Disclaimer: I do not own Saiyuki

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I really don't have a love life, considering the fact I look as If a child to many. To be honest I'm not interested in deep relationships, only Sanzo. Ever since that day he held out his hand to me, I knew he would be the one that I would trust. Sure I trust Hakkai and maybe Gojyo, but Sanzo is whom I can trust with secrets and everything. I would do anything for Sanzo, I would risk my life just for him, and he saved me from that prison. And my relationship grows stronger practically everyday, sure he hits me and calls me names, but that makes me love him even more. I hide my true feelings for Sanzo, and I'm sure the kappa doesn't even notice. Considering Gojyo been around with the ladies and knows when people are in love or not. He probably thinks I see Sanzo as a hero and not what I want him to be.

I just wish one day I have the courage to tell Sanzo those three words, but I'm afraid he'll ignore me for life. Which I doubt, but I can see it now. I tell him and he tells me "You only do because you're a child and don't understand true love". Makes me sad to think that but I could be wrong yet I'm afraid to say anything.

As I said I would tell Sanzo mostly all my secrets, well once a man raped me, lucky me right. And no one suspected a thing, which is amazing! Usually Gojyo wants to know what's wrong with me and stuff. But nothing was said...

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It was a cold night I went out for a walk since Gojyo and Sanzo were bickering and I didn't feel like listening to it. I was still hungry so wanted something to eat and Hakkai was nice enough to give me some money. It was night and hardly anyone was out, and past the bar I went until I heard someone call out to me. I go back and I see this tall buff man wearing tight pants and a tight black t-shirt. His eyes were dark green and had short brown hair, it was all spiked up.

"Why are you walking the streets at this time of night, kid?" He asked as he dropped his cigarette and put it out with his shoe.

"I'm not a kid, and I'm just getting food." I saw a smirk go across his face.

He came closer and I realized how huge he actually was, I was an ant compare to him. I backed away but he grabbed my arm and pulled me inside. I tried to get away but compare to him, my arm would have been snapped liked a twig. Upstairs we went he threw me into a small room, he locked the door and picked up some rope. He tied my arms behind my back and stripped me. I was scared, I would have kicked him in his face but he tied my legs up knowing I would have fought him.

Down my body went his hands to my you-know-what, he strokes it and smirks at me. At that moment I knew I should have just ignored him, but now I'm here he needs to do this quick. Off his tight pants went showing his erection, I just to move but my body refused. He sat me to my knees and had it hang in my face, it was huge and I had to and I did I yelled at him, "Get that away from me you prick!"

"I try to move but my legs hurt from the rope, he grabbed my head and tilt it back. He shoved his into my mouth, "Suck it little bitch!"

I closed my eyes and didn't move my body at all; I thought maybe if I didn't he would take it out. It didn't happen I couldn't breathe and if sucking his would help me breathe a little I had to. So I sucked it, I felt like crying because I thought of Sanzo. What would Sanzo think of me? A little bitch as this man had called me?

He pulls it out and shook his head, because he saw I started to cry. He took some more rope and put tied it around my mouth and head, he didn't want to here me cry or scream or something. I felt his down by mine, I knew what was next. He pushed my tied legs up in the air and thrusts into me hard, "Your tight little bitch, this your first time?"

I cried more from the pain and the pain I would feel after when I face my friends especially Sanzo. The man turned me over to my hands and knees and thrusts into me the hardest he could, when he finally finished he left me there bleeding and tied up. When the door closed I suddenly got the strength to sit up and find a knife to cut the rope. I put my clothes back on and left the bar barely able to walk. I walked backed to the hotel feeling ashamed; I entered our room and saw everyone was asleep. Good I thought, its best that they didn't asked what happened. I flopped down on the bed, and realized Sanzo's bed was next to mine. Then I cried my heart out, I failed Sanzo by being raped. I failed only because I loved him and I felt like I cheated on him or something. Even though we weren't together I still felt it.

That next morning I acted as If nothing happened, no one asked where I went or ate. And I was ashamed so I didn't bring myself to tell anyone not even Sanzo.

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After that night I lost complete courage to tell Sanzo those three little words, before I almost did but now I cannot say a word to him related to love. I think someday I'll snap and tell everyone I was raped and I love Sanzo. And I'm afraid it will happen soon considering I cry every night because of it.

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DarthRhi