シ田中さんの 恐れ
Mr Tanaka's Fear
Mr Akio Tanaka had a lot of fear in his life, especially since childhood. The first thing he remembered about being afraid of was his father's strong presence in their household. It was the sort of steely mood that would cut through the atmosphere of anything with all the swiftness and brutality of a dagger in the back. That is what it always felt like. A sharp pain, stretching out across the nerves and muscles of his back. A jolt that yank on the twelve vertebrae that made up his tiny spine.
He remembered at a party his mother and father hosted, he had gone to bed early, and his mother took time out to read him a short bedtime story, his favourite, The Story of Kaguya Hime. He did not like it for the princess and love parts. To him, those were for girls. He liked it for the dragon the princes fought, the way his mother used to make her voice growl low when she described the dragon.
"Big and green it rose from the sea! Coming for those that made it be!" She would roar, her arms raised, fingers clenched to look like claws.
He always had wondered what his mother meant by, '"Big and green it rose from the sea! Coming for those that made it be!"'. Was it a metaphor for the legend of the dragon? Had the warriors in the tale made the monster, a monster? Made the beast mad intruding on its den. Or was it mankind's obsession with myths and legends. Was it a bit of poetic license passed down to his mother by ancestors?
He began to giggle, hiding his small round face behind eyes, yelling "Oh no, Mummy!" then she'd descend down on him, fingers ready to tickle his sides. She would tickle him. He would giggle and wriggle until he asked her to stop. Sometimes, she would stop, then dive back in as he sat up in bed again. He always knew it would come, but never acted as if he knew.
However, this time, was different. Just as Mummy dived in for another tickle, the door swung open loudly, banging against the wall, bouncing back slightly. The jolt yanked Akio bolt upright in his bed as his mother pulled away. He spied a dark shadow over her shoulder blocking the yellow light of the hall, creating a horrible humanoid form that stood in the doorway. It spoke.
"Hatsune! Come on now! Stop this foolishness." It, his father, said.
His mother didn't say anything. She bowed her head in silent, un-wilful agreement.
Akio had never seen him like this. His father always let them play around a bit before bed. It helped Akio sleep after all. This time, however, his father seemed hell bent on ruining the fun.
Silently, his mother rose up and joined her father's shadow in the doorway. Akio saw the head move to face him.
"Good night, Akio." His mother said, solemnly.
He did not say good night back. The door swung shut, plunging the room into darkness. He heard his mother's voice raised slightly through the door.
"Why did you stop me playing with Aiko? You know it helps him sleep!"
"We have guests to entertain! We can all hear your silliness in the living room. It's not appropriate." His father replied sternly.
They carried on their argument down the hall as Aiko remembered his little heart pounding away, his back sore from how stiffly he had sat. He remembered slipping under the covers, a few tears tickling down his plump cheeks.
His heart was pounding again now, the same pain in his spine, but his back was slacked and sore. He stumbled along, blood blending with sweat, creating a stinging cocktail in his cuts. His head pounded with every running footstep he took. His camo khaki uniform clung to his sticky and drenched skin loosely, coming off in strips. His body lurched like a raggedy man, leaning on the various parked and abandoned cars in the streets. He was on his own, a soldier, without anyone to lean on or offer comfort. He broke out into a tremble, a spasm of fear.
This fear, the fear he was feeling now was one paralleled to the one he felt before joining the JGSDF. His mind tumbled in thoughts as he fell to the floor, leaning against a lamp post, slowly slipping down it as his feet slid out underneath him from exhaustion. His body throbbed. His mind ached as it reached back into his first drill training.
He had finished a sparring exercise, for hand to hand combat. He had not grown much stronger since his youth. He was scrawny, weedy. An easy target for bullies. It just happened he was paired up with his biggest bully. Daiki, who was just about 6ft and three years his senior, was his human nightmare. The teasing, the constant laughing behind his back and to his face. The various comments made when he was training in the gym where the worst, and most demoralising. Daiki knew how to push Aiko's buttons, and it made Aiko feel shame for what he was doing.
Aiko would never have become a military man, would never have chosen such a brutal life if life had not been tough on him. Around a decade after that night he remembered so vividly from childhood, being pulled from his mother's comfort again, and permanently, at 16. He remembered the fear within that. The dragon stalking the streets, breathing fire down on the innocents, down on the army men. His father at this point had already been lost, consumed by rubble from the collapse of his office block, but he had only found that out after the cleaning up was done. Aiko had been with his mother during the attack. She had picked him up mid-school day when the alert had been rung.
"Aiko dear, the army are in the city. It's got to the shore." She said, a graveness in her voice.
Aiko had no response as he watched the tanks roll through the streets, the armoured cars rattling along behind them across the highway. A few soldiers ran alongside the convoy to guide them along the road, while others urged the evacuating civilian cars further onwards, controlling the flow of traffic, trying to ensure no panic. He was transfixed by the spinning wheels rolling past in fluidity. Across the river, he could see what they were targeting, caught in glimpses between the passing vehicles. It was huge, even as a spec on the horizon. He looked on at the brave men and women who he admired for their courage, the way they stood against the dragon in the distance.
A few hours later, a lone soldier pulled him from the wreck of his mother's car, the dragon marching away, leaving nothing but destruction in its wake. The soldier, lacking any equipment, lost to the toils of battle, hoisted the young boy onto his back and ran the other direction, into the deep alleyways of the city. Aiko cried, but the soldier did not stop him. In some way, this brave soul who saved him knew of Aiko's plight. Lord only knew how many friends this army man had lost.
This single act of valour and bravery was the trigger to become part of the force.
Back in training, however, Daiki had always preyed on that. He knew that Aiko had had that experience, had been through similar when it all happened. Daiki, possibly through his own trauma, knew that Aiko was doing this out of a foolish pact of revenge he had made to himself, to avenge his mother and father's deaths. Daiki thought him a fool. Emotionally charged and weak. Daiki hated wimpy fools. They offered nothing but an egotistical lust for revenge not wanted in the JGSDF.
Aiko however, was still there to prove his metal. It had been two years since that incident, and now on the eve of his 18th birthday, he had something to prove. Daiki was the last stand between him and his righteous mission of revenge. This was his final straw with Daiki before continuing with his mission. Daiki had watched as Aiko had been pummelled into the mats, being swept under foot and flipped.
"The big baby!" He cried with laughter. "Can't even find his footing! What sort of soldier can't keep on their feet?"
A few more of Daiki's friends laughed along, crowding the mat. There were not superiors in sight.
Aiko was beginning to step away from the mat, letting the laughter slip behind him.
"He was quick enough on his feet when he was younger. That's the only reason he's here now! Coward!" Daiki was cackling now.
This stopped Aiko in his tracks. This was not the first time Daiki had brought up his tragedy, in his sneering put-down way. Aiko, normally walked off, allowing himself to cry privately. He always thought in these self-pitying moments, 'Why me?'
Today, however, would be different. Aiko turned to the laughing Daiki, who was beginning to quieten down, noticing a challenge in Aiko's stance.
"Daiki. Me, you, on the mat, now!" Aiko cried out.
Daiki laughed again, feeling no threat from the younger boy.
"Alright, then you big baby. Let papa put things right with a good thrashing!" Daiki pounded onto the mat, his lips curved in an evil grin.
Aiko held his ground, watch the lumbering giant come towards him. His mind at this moment began to flash back, to the dragon. He, in that brief flash of lightening thought, realised Daiki was the first of his foes to be conquered. Behind Daiki's large and vicious stature was the spiteful spirit similar to the dragons.
Aiko held his position, following Daiki as he paced the mat, who was waiting for cracks to form in Aiko's demeanour. He hurled a few more insults at the weedy little lad. Aiko did not budge. He watched his opponent intently, not losing concentration, not allowing the insults to pierce his confident and steely barrier. That was when Daiki began to sweep forward. Their sparring match had begun. What started as fluid and controlled movement between the two young men, as if in some rehearsed and violent dance, soon descended into a slapping match. Daiki was the first to fall victim to his urge to beat his opponent. Pressing forward, Daiki had tried to sweep out Aiko's legs. However, the younger boy had managed to kick his foot back, sending a jolt of pain and fury through Daiki. Gradually becoming more and more frustrated with this, what had begun as an easy humiliation was beginning to fall back onto him. Not willing to allow his opponent the upper hand, Daiki began to get vicious, hoping to take Aiko out with an underhanded move or two. But Aiko seemed to notice this evil streak in Daiki. As the older lad lunged for Aiko, trying to break his defensive stance to topple him, Aiko struck forward with a stinging back fist to the face. Daiki fell backwards, but in that moment, reached out one of his gangly long arms, gripping Aiko's fist. Pulling Aiko forward, the two young men fell to the floor, and that is when Daiki began to slap Aiko around. Gaining the higher ground, he dominated Aiko, smacking his face and eyes, forcing Aiko to curl up in the defensive position. Throwing out all sorts of insults and curses, Daiki was beginning to hurt Aiko.
Just then, a whistle blew. Through half closed eyes, Aiko could see Daiki's red and revengeful face fall away, as the face of their superior officer filled his vision. Aiko gulped.
In one way, he was great full for not being kicked out there and then. His heart racing with fear, the same sharp pang of pain jolting through his spine as he stood in the superior officer's office. He was lucky at the time just to get caretaker detail for a month.
However, back in the present, he was beginning to regret that decision made on his behalf. As he sat slumped against the lamp post, he began to feel fear deeper than before. He remembered the call of duty beckoning him. The fear he had felt in the moment he heard the dragons name again.
It had started with a siren blaring, the message echoing out over the camp.
"Godzilla sighted in Tokyo Bay. Battle Stations. Repeat, Godzilla sighted in Tokyo Bay."
The name had jolted Aiko into a frenzy. The name sent shockwaves.
"But I thought we got rid of him?" One voice cried.
"How did he get free?" Another questioned across the way as Aiko stood, watching the groups of soldiers amassing at the vehicle depot.
Aiko's head lulled slightly. He was passing out. Unsure of the where the monster may be, let alone any surviving men, he knew that was a death sentence. If he passed out here, he could not be sure that another soldier would find him before Godzilla did. He rose his head slightly, looking up to further down the road. The street looked, so far, untouched. If anything, he thought it to be the last untouched part of Tokyo. He swallowed hard, his throat raw from the yelling out his comrade's names. Not that it mattered. When he did, most were dead before he had a chance to utter a syllable to them. Anything after that had been drowned out by the crumbling of rubble, the crackling of energy on the air. Aiko watched as the beams that erupted from the beast's back sliced through the buildings surrounding them. Their tops caved in, the building falling into itself, the sections sliding apart in neat slabs. That was when Aiko had started running.
He thought back to the running the soldier had done. His sixteen-year-old self-was too weak to, so he bounced gently on the soldiers back, as the soldier screamed obscenities, forcing his tired body forward as the monster footsteps could be felt rumbling behind them. Aiko clung to the man for dear life, hoping the soldier had energy enough for two. He was lucky that the man did. In a brief moment, he could see the monster in the distance, its profile, wandering off into the untouched parts of the city. A juggernaut of pure destruction, constantly chugging forward, never stopping. He spied the monsters hands, held to its chest, clutching upwards in the air. Its body burned red along the back and front, down the neck and spines, ending in a morbid, cancerous looking tail that pulsed red.
Aiko snapped his head upright, aware of his unconscious state. In this snap moment of awareness, he felt a fear seep back into him. Fear. Fear. Constant fear. Living with it, the trauma. Was this not meant to be his moment to get his revenge? To allow the simmering pot of emotions that boiled away in him for 2 years since his parents died to boil over into triumph? He stood up, suddenly spurred by a new rising energy, fed by his fear. His fear slipping away into hatred. He limped to the middle of the street, turning left back the way he came going against the flow of cars that had once streamed forward. He was going to go back, and face Godzilla. He needed to face Godzilla. Something within him, his weak and battered body, the bizarre collage of fearful memories, and fearful journeys through his life. Growing up, growing tougher. He limped harder, trying to break out into a run as fast as he could. That is when he stopped.
A few feet up ahead, he could see someone in the distance. Like a spectre, the figure wandered blind through a low lying smoke that had descended around Aiko. He watched as a small figure, greyish brown and impish lumbered towards him. No taller than 3ft, the humanoid shape came tottering towards him. Aiko was taken aback. He was unsure what to make of it. Was it a demon? A gargoyle or hell creature coming to take his soul, for running away?
The little figure stopped. On the form of its head, two small whitish/red eyes appeared. Streams of darkening black fell down its face, slowly tearing away the grey to reveal the pale porcelain of skin. It was a child. A small slit of a mouth opened, and the small thing let out a cry. Aiko, realising he was fused on the spot, ran forward, arms outstretched.
"Oh God! Okay! It's fine!" He panted as he ran forward.
Falling on this knees in front of the child, he spat into his hands, wiping the face of the child, smearing his wet hands across the child's cheeks and forehead. Wiping his dirtied hands on his tattered uniform, he wiped down the child's face again, whose nose was now running with snot, and tears flowed more freely. As he peeled more and more caked on dirt, grime and ash off the child, he revealed it to be a little girl. She sobbed, blurting out for her mother and father. Aiko held her shoulders.
"It's okay. I'll get you away. We'll find them. We'll find them."
He kept repeating this as he hoisted her on his back and turned back down, away from the ruined centre. The girl kept sobbing, crying out; 'Momma, Poppa.' Aiko knew she would never be the same again. Another child ruined by the beast. He wondered if her family were even still alive. He doubted it.
Would she become like him? A vigilante against the monster?
His feet pounded down the street, the urge of survival causing the hairs on his neck to prick up, the pulse of another heartbeat thumping against his back. He realised, with this child on his back, that his fear was now bravery, an act of valour. Walking back towards the centre of town would have been suicide. Now, his abandonment was an act of heroism.
He turned back once more, the sound of crumbling and thundering footsteps drawing his attention. He watched as orange waves of flames splashed against the remaining buildings, the black horizon of night turning a sharp red. In the middle of it, stood Godzilla. As a swash of fire billowed out the beast's mouth, Aiko thought once more of his mother and her silly dragon impression. Red blended to purple as the beast doubled over and wretched out more flames.
"Big and green it rose from the sea, coming for those that made it be."
A tear rolled down his face as the monster uprighted itself and stood, red glowing chest puffed out as if in mocking pride.
As the monster let out a triumphant roar, Aiko ran off into the night, hoisting the girl up once more to slip away into the dark streets.