"She will always be my fa-vorite line. I sing about her all- the time..."
In my seat beside Archy at the side of the tennis courts I sing an old and fantastic tune. I don't focus on the man who sings it and the pain even just his name brings up and instead focus on a much more entertaining sight. Beyond my blue eyes and black sunglasses is the Councilor running around like a chicken without a head. It was a pathetic sight but father wouldn't let me voice my opinions. He needed me to be his darling little secret weapon-beautiful on the outside and genius on the inside. I was the perfect combination of beauty, brains, and brawn...said father.
I feel no worry that Archy will ask what I am humming; in fact, I'm more than certain he already knows. The thing about Archy and I is that we have always had an understanding. We didn't have to talk because we just understood certain things-one of which is don't interrupt me when I'm humming and don't interrupt him when he's reading the paper. Between his hands is today's news and I don't blame him for wanting to distract himself from the annoying schmoozing we have to do with this guy; I wish I could too.
There is an odd take in of breath and I turn to Archy, brows furrowed around my blue eyes, "Archy, what's wrong?"
"I've got something I think you and your father should see," he states simply. I turn slightly in my chair and narrow my eyes on Father at the bar-God, he was getting so old. I wave him toward us and watch him roll his eyes as he gets to his feet. So, so old and nasty.
"What's wrong now, Maddy?" His voice is soft as he makes it to us and I can't help but feel a slight sting of hatred. He hadn't started using that tone with me until I was eighteen and could be used as a bargaining chip.
"Uncle Arch, has something he needs to show us," I explain, turning back around so I can look at the only real paternal care I've ever had.
"What is it, Arch?" Father questions, placing his hands on the back of Archy's chair.
"Read here," instructs Archy, as he motions to a particular article.
Father takes in the same odd breath before he reads, "Johnny Quid, singer extraordinare, fell off a boat, missing, assumed dead."
"Well, I don't know what to say Len. Madeline,"Arch's voice is a soft whisper I couldn't quite hear anymore.
Now I wasn't listening.
Now I was remembering.
Ten Years Ago...
"Get out of this house and never come back! You crack head!"
"I'd rather be a crack head than a lying fucking rat!"
"Come here you little pie-!"
The front door boomed to a close and vibrated through out the entire house, through out my entirety of bones. I shoved the covers off of me and sprinted after him. I ran past father and past his cold words. I ran outside and slammed the door behind me, just as he had done before me, to Johnny there with his bag, waiting for me. The bags fell with a crunch onto the ground when his eyes landed on me and he ran to meet me half way. He lifted me into his arms and kissed me lovely and when he pulled away my breath was gone from me. I dropped my head onto his shoulder as I cried silently. I held tight, trying to crush him into me so he can hide and never have to leave. So he would never have to leave me.
"Madeline...," his lips pressed against my ear and I shivered, my own body threatening to cave in. He held me back just as tight as he took a fist full of my hair and pressing it against my skull.
"Don't go, Johnny. Don't leave me here all alone," my words were pitiful as I pressed my lips against his neck and begged, "Please!"
"Maddy...I. I have to go," he whispered.
Tears poured from my face in such a way I couldn't understand. The only thing I knew was that I couldn't stay quiet anymore, "Why? Just go and...and tell him you'll stop. Just go to rehab and we'll be together! We'll be together!"
"I can't..." he was shaking his head as he said these words. His fingers caressing my face and cascading through my hair, "Not this time. This time is different. There is no going back now."
"But why?" I cried. "Why can't we go back to how it was?...Johnny I-I love you."
He pulled away so he could smile his flying smile then brought me back in for another embrace. I felt him take in a deep breath of my hair as he whispered against the top of my head, "You will always be my favorite Line."
I shook my head and sadly wrapped my arms around him as I dug my face into his chest. I continued to cry because there was no winning when he was like this. There was nothing when he was like this. I protested, "You'll die out there...alone..."
"I'm not alone," he said with a hopeful, far away tone, "I got you..."
"Not when you're like this. Not when you're out there!" I snapped. I took in a deep breath of him because I could feel him slipping away. He smelled like the rainforest in a sunny day. He smelled like freedom and life-he smelled like my love.
I heard the crunching of gravel beneath wheels as a car pulled up. The horn confirmed my worst suspicion. He pulled away with that terrible smile, "That's for me. I'll see you...later."
He released me so he could grasp his bags once more. As he walked away I knew what that meant. That meant months on end /waiting/. Waiting for a call from the police. Waiting to see his face and name in the obituary. Waiting and wishing for death. I just couldn't do that anymore.
"No!" The word exploded out of me like a shot from a canon. He seemed to freeze into place and like a puppet on a string turn.
The haze was slowly descending as he grasped my words, "What? No what?"
"No, I can't sit and wait for 'later!' For an 'I love you too' that will never come! I can't wait for you to never get clean and to never come back!" I shouted with no care of who was listening, "...If you're not here tomorrow...don't bother ever returning."
My Johnny was replaced by a silent and emotionless being. As if I had not even spoken he opened the car door and dropped his bags inside. I thought I would die right then but once his hands were free he turned around and walked right to me. He placed his hands on either side of my face and kissed me as gently as he did the first time. With his lips on mine I foolishly thought he would belong to me forever. But I should have known Johnny could never belong to anyone. I would have kept my eyes shut as he disappeared from me but I always wanted to stare death in the face, especially my own.
Without another word he got into the car and shut the door behind him. As he drove away in that strangers car I grew years beyond my own age. I had been a child-done childish things and thought childish ways-but that was no more. Without blinking, without breathing, I watched the love of my life leave and realized there was no such thing as love at all. My father had been right all along. I didn't cry and I didn't feel as Johnny drove away. I didn't cry and I didn't feel when he never came back.
Now...
"I-I have to go..." is all I can say as I stand from my seat and grab my things.
"Now where are you going?" Father's voice is just as harsh as it always is in my times of weakness.
"I forgot I had to meet Matthew," I mumble, not looking to Archy or Father though my eyes are well hidden behind my sunglasses, "Meet you back home, yeah."
He nods, "Alright then."
"Bye, Arch," my voice is hardly audible as I walk away from the only eyes that can see what is happening to me.
In an all-knowing voice he calls after me, "Bye, Mad."
I leave the premises in a haze of cracking emotion. I hadn't felt anything in such a long time I feel like I'm going to shatter. I throw my things in the back seat and reach under my seat to find my secret cd case. I open it and feel my eyes watering as my fingers touch his face on the stupid cd covers. He had been declared dead by the media plenty of times before but I only ever heard about it after and never from Archy and never from the respectable paper he reads. This is different. This is real.
Though my eyes water I don't quite cry yet. I can't bring myself to do it. I can't realize the hurricane growing inside of me just yet. I turn to his first CD, my favorite, and touch his young face on the cover. The title was 'My Favorite Line.' It was about me. I put the CD in my stereo and shake as his voice fills my car.
"She will always be my fa-vorite line. I sing about her all- the time."
My hand clutches my chest as I throw myself back into my seat. Johnny is gone. He's really gone this time. And he's never coming back.