Never Had A Chance
by
CrinkleCutRuffles
Disclaimer: J R R Tolkien created the wonderful world of Middle Earth and all the characters attached to it. I don't pretend to lay claim to any of it. I (unfortunately) own the characters Kyralee, Sessalene and Feuya. But then again I don't really care if you want to take them and do something with them. I do own the term 'shockstipation' however.
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Kyralee was your typical, average sixteen-year-old girl. She had long, light auburn hair she liked to keep in two thick plaits down her back. Sometimes she would tie them around her waist to keep them out of the way because although her hair was breathtaking it could prove quite troublesome when left to it's own devices.
Today she did not need to do that. Kyralee flipped the plaits behind her where they settled nicely in the back seat of her brand new car, coiled up like orange pythons lying in wait. She turned the key in the ignition and pulled out of her driveway in Malibu in her new snazzy little red convertible. She'd been able to afford it all by herself due to the royalties she'd received for doing Garnier Nutrisse ads and sweeping her hair around in dramatic gestures. Some of the money though had to go to the crew filming the ad and the multiple injuries inflicted on them due to her mane.
She cruised down the street towards her friend Kwanesha's place with the music blaring. The radio was playing something the DJ described as punkish.
"Everything's changing, when I turn around, out of my control I'm a mobile" she sang at the top of lungs and terribly out of tune. A car on the opposite side of the road swerved to miss a plot point and Kyralee screamed, her sapphire coloured eyes widening, forcing her car over the edge of the barrier and towards the beach dunes below.
All of a sudden her car had vanished from around her and she found herself falling through the sky. Below was a dark forest and towards the horizon she could see a mass of black clouds smoking slightly and with flashes of red here and there.
"Wow, that looks just like Mordor in the Lord of the Rings movies" she mumbled to herself, not at all concerned that she was dropping out of the sky and would probably end up splattered on the forest floor. The forest loomed up below her and she fancied herself tumbling lightly onto a canopy of leaves in the highest tree top. But this didn't happen. She fell past the tallest tree and continued her descend into the foliage.
One golden red plait got tangled on a tree branch and as Kyralee continued her plummet to the ground the plait seemed to strain and a crack was heard as the girl's neck snapped quickly, killing her instantly.
Later when four hobbits and a man made their way through the forest on their way to Weathertop they were surprised to find a dead girl lying on the ground. Her head was bloodied and a scalp with ridiculously long plaits attached to it hanging from the tree above her. Aragorn wanted to keep on going, hurrying them on towards their place of rest for the evening but Merry and Pippin looked at the fresh meat hungrily. Images of rump roast danced in their heads.
As they were low on supplies they decided "Waste not, want not" and Sam took the opportunity to brew up a lovely stew.
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Sessalene wasn't just blonde, she was the ultimate blonde, so blonde it could be called white. In fact her hair was like pure gossamer. It floated around her face like a buzzing fly around a dung heap. Her icy blue eyes occasionally betrayed warmth and she had to make sure she had a handkerchief on hand to mop up the mess. Her ample chest was a great place to rest your head after a hard night on the booze.
She nestled back into the cushions of her couch as she watched The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (the extended version of course) on her DVD player for the fourth time that day.
"Elijah Wood is just the dreamiest" she sighed to herself as the camera panned in for his look of shockstipation when he discovers Boromir picking up the ring in the snow. Then the screen went fuzzy and blinked out.
"What?" she screeched, not caring how much she was overreacting. "No, no, no!" She got up off the couch and stood in front of the TV. The cord was still plugged in and there didn't look to a power failure. "What is going on?"
Sessalene raised her hand to pound on top of the television in an attempt to get it functioning again when she was, without warning of course, sucked in through the TV and found herself in the sky, high above Caradhras and surrounded by fluffy clouds.
Of course the clouds did not keep her in the air and she was falling rapidly towards the side of the mountain. It was so cold she started to develop icicles on the tips of her fingers and nose. She gulped at the air desperately but could not find a sufficient supply of oxygen.
Her body slammed into a chunk of snow-covered rock, shattering all her bones and scrambling her internal organs. Her crumpled form started an avalanche that tumbled rapidly down the mountain and heaped a lot of itself on a ledge that contained the Fellowship. Gandalf cursed Saruman and Saruman thanked the convenience of the girl in his attempt to bring about the avalanche.
Sessalene's battered body was picked up and pushed along by the frightful winds before she tumbled again, further down, and flopping into a lake at the bottom of a mountain. The corpse sank gratefully to the bottom where a tentacle looped its way out of the darkness and pulled the ready-made meal towards it.
The Guardian of the Gate was hungry no more. Well, not until a certain Fellowship would makes its way towards the Gates of Moria, then it was going to try it's darndest to get a Hobbit for supper.
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Feuya was beautiful. The kind of beauty that makes men drool and trip over themselves like eager puppies. Occasionally she had to put newspaper down as some of them would wet on the floor.
She hummed to herself softly while looking at her reflection. Her eyes contained a fire of which had never been seen before. She constantly had to put it out with a small water bottle she carried for this exact purpose.
Her glossy black hair fell to her knees. Then it picked itself up and reattached itself to her head. It was painful but if you were as beautiful as Feuya you knew it was just a part of life and a small price to pay for nonstop adoration.
She flicked the on switch to her stereo system and listened to the strains of Linkin Park fill the room. Soon she was jumping around the room and really getting into the song. Her chunky black boots crushed things underfoot as she twirled around, even though she was a slender girl. Her cut off cargo pants showed her tanned calves off nicely as she leapt onto her bed and began to head bang.
Then as a particularly raucous part of the chorus blared out she tripped over her own hair and slammed into the poster of Orlando Bloom she had stuck up on her wall...no wait, she didn't slam into the wall. In fact she fell right through the wall and into a large puddle of mud, face down. Spitting the foul substance out of her mouth and fuming at the lack of dignity she had mustered she tried in earnest to scrape the smelly mud off her gorgeous clear skin. Skin that in the sunshine shone like the bum of a firefly.
But the mud stuck and she sighed, pulling herself to her feet with the use of a handy tree root. The raven haired beauty headed in the direction she thought water would be so she could have another attempt to get this stuff off her face. It would be terribly tragic if she ran into a handsome man and was not looking her best.
An odd noise caught her ear and pulled her in a different direction. Feuya made her way through the forest towards the odd twanging sound that she found was coming from behind a clump of tall bushes in front of her. She pushed her way through the greenery and her head poked its way into the clearing. She saw the determined blue eyes of an elf and heard a cry of "Yrch"
Before she knew it an arrow had planted itself right in the middle of her forehead. She thumped to the ground and Legolas smiled before gracefully running off.
THE END
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A/N: There are just so many Mary Sues out there that I couldn't help myself by contributing to them (: And then subsequently getting rid of them!