A Very Foul Mouthed Recap

by The Recapper of Badassery

A recap of the first Jurassic Park movie. Is it accurate? BARELY. Is it fun? I HOPE SO. Is it safe-for-work? NOT UNLESS YOU'RE A SAILOR. Will it kill about an hour of your time? PROBABLY. Do you have that kind of time to waste? YES.

Hey look! Giant crates! Sinister lighting, strange noises coming from the crate, everyone is armed...could something dangerous be in there?

...nah.

Hey look, a guy is lifting...something...could something go wrong here?

...nah.

OH SHIT NEVER MIND.

Guy: OMG
Other guys: OMG
Dinosaur: om nom nom
Guy: (dead)

How delightful. I've got a great feeling about this movie.

Now we're somewhere in South America. It's all humid and hot and jungle-y looking. Hope nobody comes along wearing the wrong stuff! I'd hate to see some douche come along in like a suit...

Oh, look, there's a douche in a suit. Hey Douchey Suit Guy! You have "I'm going to die in this movie" written allll over you!

He's going on about some legal shit to some South American dude who very clearly couldn't give a crap. Blah blah blah, legal talk, blah blah blah, token lawyer bullshit, blah blah blah, safety hazards with the park (shocker), blah blah blah shut the fuck up dude, I hate you. He almost falls but the other guy catches him. I'm sad about that.

They go underground, Douchey Suit Guy is still rambling, I stopped listening, but OH LOOK! They mention Alan Grant! He's super famous, y'know. A real bigshot. He's like Johnny Depp, he's SO IMPORTANT.

Srsly, do people really give a crap about archaeologists? Really? But these guys do. "Alan's a digger," says the too-nice South American dude, grinning at a piece of...

GOLD!?

Oh no wait it's amber. Whatever.

IMPORTANT ZOOM IN ON THE AMBER! THIS MUST BE GOOD! *leans in excitedly*

IT'S A...

A....

A...!!!

...mosquito, omg.

NOW WE'RE BACK IN AMERICA. Home sweet home! Where are we in this beautiful country? Let's seee...

Montana. Okay.

They're digging up some bones, that's not surprising. Everybody does that in Montana.

ENTER ALAN GRANT. He's got some cool Reno 911 sunglasses and, I don't know if it's just me, but I think he's really hot.

Like REALLY sexy. Seriously. Ahem. Anyway.

Alan is sad 'cause he has to use a computer. Apparently computers hate him. I dunno why; he's gorgeous. Maybe he slept with the computer's wife.

So they go talk about some velociraptors and some little dickhole kid is like "IT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING TURKEY BIG DEAL" and Alan is like "THIS TURKEY WOULD HAVE CUT YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND EATEN YOU ALIVE AND MADE YOU SUFFER YOU LITTLE SHIT AND I'M GOING TO BRANDISH THIS FOSSILIZED SPECIAL PROP i mean fossilized raptor claw that definitely doesn't appear in the film after this point AT YOU AND MAKE YOU THINK I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU SO BACK THE FUCK OFF BITCH"

Ellie the Girlfriend: Jesus Christ dude.
Alan: Kids suck.

So then a helicopter comes from out of fucking nowhere, which pisses EVERYBODY off because it blows their shit everywhere and it's getting sand all over their new fossils. I wonder who this douchebag is?

Alan runs over to his trailer for some reason and finds… some old guy raiding his fridge? I'm not alone here in saying WTF am I?

Alan is too, but the old guy is just happy as a clam, popping open Alan and Ellie's bottle of wine. Alan is pissed and says, "We were saving that!" but does it look like this old dude gives a damn? NOPE. He says they were saving it for today. YAY WE HAVE A PROPHET. Or we have somebody with great news. He says he's John Hammond, not at all concerned by the threatening finger Alan is poking his chest with. In fact, he shakes Alan's hand with that finger and blows off the dust, all with a smile on his face. John is apparently a very big deal, just like Alan Grant the Super Famous Archaeologist Everybody Knows About.

Okay, so far John IS kind of a twat, but it's actually kind of cute, so I don't hate him yet.

Ellie: *storms in* OKAY WHO'S THE ASSHOLE WITH THE HELICOPTER!?
Alan: HE'S JOHN HAMMOND SO SHUT THE FUCK UP WOMAN
John: Hi!
Ellie: OMG

I'm still confused how John got into the trailer so fast. He was on the helicopter that like JUST landed, wasn't he?

John says he wants Alan and Ellie to come to the park to give some annoying people their good opinions on it.

Ellie: Why do they care what we think?
John: 'Cause you two are a BIG FUCKING DEAL, haven't you seen the first fifteen minutes of this movie at all!? Plus everybody's got their panties in a twist because it's "dangerous" and stupid shit like that. Pfft. Come on.
Alan: Sounds boring. Plus we like just set up this camp.
John: I'll fund your digging...
Alan: No.
John: ...for the next 3 years. I'm rich, dude.
Alan: SWEET LET'S GO TO YOUR STUPID ISLAND! YAHOOTIE!

We're back in South America. Why? I thought we were done here. Ugh. Whatever, at least it's pretty.

Some nerdy-looking dude comes over to an equally nerdy-looking fat guy, Nedry. I'll call him Nedry, even though Fat Guy Who Gets Eaten by the Cute Frilly Dinosaur is a much better name. But it's so time-consuming to type that.

So the nerdy guy wants some dino embryos or something to advance his company's research by 10 years. Whatever. NERDDD. Nedry is going to do that, I guess, by stealing embryos from John Hammond's park. LOYALTY. DENNIS NEDRY DOES NOT HAVE IT.

But enough of that boring shit, let's get back to Alan McSexyfine! He and Ellie are in a plane with John, Douchey Suit Guy, and Ian Malcolm the Deadpan Snarker. Fun!

Ian: So you and Alan dig up dinosaurs?
Ellie: (takes an annoyingly long time to spit out the word "Well" for no apparent reason)
Alan: We try to.

Why is his voice so quiet and somber there? Did I miss something?

Ian gets a kick out of it, and starts giggling and snarling at the same time. Dude get this guy some fucking meds, he's WEIRD.

John: I brought Ian along because he's funny. Just ignore him.
Everybody: k

They reach the island, and we're treated to a nice bit of Alan struggling adorably with his seatbelt. Wow, technology really isn't his thing. After everyone tries to help him fasten it but eventually he just ties it and gives them all a dry look. I love you so hard, Alan.

Everyone goes OOH AHH OOH at the scenery and then they hop into some Jeeps and they're off. I'm assuming John didn't tell anyone WHAT exactly is in his park, because Douchey Suit Guy is the only one expressing any concern about safety and the fences and shit, and I guess he didn't bother giving the others a heads-up or anything. What a dick. John tells him to STFU and relax because NOTHING could POSSIBLY go wrong!

Ellie is yammering on about something, looking at a dumb map or something that LOOKS like a map (who reads maps?) while the Jeeps stop in a grassy field. Alan glances out the window and his face goes from an unimpressed ":/" to an adorably awestruck "O.O". I melt a little. We wonder, "Dude WTF is the matter?" as he yanks off his hat (for no reason other than to convey the sheer WOAH of this moment) and stands up. Ellie is still going on about her stupid map-or-something. Shut up, Ellie, you're cool but I don't wanna listen to you.

Neither does Alan, because he reaches over and grabs her head, turns it to look out the window, and her face is even more OMG than Alan's.

PAN OVER PAN OVER PAN OVER TO SEEE...

OH MY GOD IT'S A FUCKING DINOSAUR. LOOK, LOOK, IT'S LITTLEFOOT'S GRANDMA! Fucking sweet!

Ellie and Alan scramble out of the Jeep and get closer to Granny Littlefoot. I don't know why, because if that was me I'd be backing up. Sure, if I wanted to spend time with a dinosaur, I'd choose that kind, but I'd still kinda be worried it would step on me. I guess Ellie and Alan are experts at surviving stuff like that. They ARE super famous archaeologists, after all.

Anyway they get closer, and Ellie is like panting really heavily into the mic and it's kind of annoying, but Alan makes up for it by being so damn cute. He points at Granny Littlefoot and looks around and everybody, stuttering, "Um, it's...it's a dinosaur."

GOD I WANT TO BOTTLE YOU, ALAN. You are the cutest Captain Obvious the universe has seen.

Ellie pants in agreement and Ian expresses that he is horrified/impressed in his snarky way.

Alan and Ellie waste no time in geeking out on everyone.

Alan: DUDE THIS THING IS SO NOT COLD-BLOODED HOLY SHIT
Ellie: This thing doesn't live in a swamp!
Me: No shit, sweetheart, you're in a field.
Alan: ZOMG IT'S NECK MUST BE 28 FEET LONG
John: 30 actually
Alan: (wets his pants)

Douchey Suit Guy is sold on this awesomeness, you can count on that.

Alan demands to know how fast Granny Littlefoots (Littlefeet?) are, and John is all, "well uh we clocked the T. rex at 32 mph, not that you asked about that, but I chose to tell you about the T. rex instead of the Granny Littlefoot so I can get this plot going" and I decide to roll with it because his mentioning the T. rex gets Alan to nearly kill me with adorablocity.

Ellie: OMG you have a fucking T. REX?
John: Uh yeah they're all the rage, honey, where have you been?
Alan: SAY WHAT!? What did you say!?
John: We have a T. rex.
Alan: omg (staggers)
Ellie: Put your head between your knees!
Alan: (collapses)

No, really! Alan staggers! John repeats that they have a T. rex and Alan moans and staggers, hunching over to brace himself on his knees. Ellie tells him to put his head between his knees and he falls on his ass. It's honestly one of my favorite parts of the movie.

John is pleased by their dino-gasms and shows them some more dinosaurs frolicking in herds by a lake. The fact that they move in herds makes Alan jizz in his pants again.

I like this movie.

Now we're treated to a pretty boring scene. They watch a video talking about how they made the dinosaurs. They cloned them by getting dinosaur DNA from the mosquito found in the amber. Apparently it had sucked blood from a dinosaur. They used that DNA and filled in the gaps with frog DNA and tah-dahhh! Dinosaurs!

Then they take a field trip to the place where they do all the DNA stuff. Ian goes around being skeptical about everything and obviously disapproving of the whole situation, but nobody likes the complainer. It's okay, Ian, I like you.

They find the place where they hatch the baby dinosaurs, and would you look at that? One is hatching right now! Everyone gathers round to watch and go AWW at the cute little baby. The geneticist guy stresses that they control the breeding of the dinosaurs and that they're all female so no baby-making can happen on its own. Ian is SKEPTICAL. STOP IT, IAN.

Alan holds the baby dinosaur and learns that it's a velociraptor. He makes a face that shows that suddenly this park idea sucks a whole lot. I don't know why. He almost fainted from happiness when he learned about the T. rex. Make up your mind, dude.

Now, back to the good stuff! Everybody's preparing for lunch, but Alan annoys everyone by running off somewhere outside. John is like "wtf dude we're hungry" and oh look a cow! Alan asks what they're doing with the cow, and John says, "Feeding them!" with a big ol' smile on his face.

The PETA does not approve of John Hammond. But we're distracted from the PETA's rage by THIS:

Cow: Moooo. (is lowered into the jungle)
Jungle: (rustles its leaves and lets us hear some horrible screeches and squeals and agonized moos)
Everybody: HOLY SHIT.
Cool British Guy AKA Muldoon: They should all be destroyed!

Hello, Muldoon! I like you, it's a shame you die in the end. Sucks to be you.

John giggles and brushes off Muldoon's cold complaints. I don't know why Muldoon works there if he hates it so much. Muldoon goes on about how the velociraptors are like total geniuses. Awesome. It all sounds ominous and scary. Foreshadowing, perhaps?

...nah.

Anyway, the blue thingy that the cow was supported in comes up, squeaking brokenly and it's torn to shreds. I've seen this movie a thousand times, but that's one of the very few things in this film that still makes me honestly cringe. It's all tattered and mangled and just JESUS CHRIST those damn raptors are SCARY.

So anyway, another boring scene. Douchey Suit Guy is being a typical sleazy lawyer who wants money and wants to make everything all expensive and shit. Ian is being such a Debbie Downer and gives John a verbal lashing, going on about how recreating the dinosaurs is reckless and dangerous and stupid. John is wielding too much scientific power with very little responsibility. He's handling his discoveries badly and rushing into it all and dinosaurs went extinct because that's how nature works and Ian's being so annoying. Cut it out, Ian. Quit being right, okay? God.

Ellie and Alan start agreeing with him, and John finally quits being so smiley, and he's pissed that the only one who agrees with him is "the bloodsucking lawyer." Douchey Suit Guy looks like he's confused about whether or not he should be offended, so he goes with saying, "Thank you," while looking offended.

Yay, we got past another boring scene!

So now John is smiley again, and he says that they (as in, Alan, Ellie, Malcolm, and Douchey Suit Guy) are going on the first tour of the park. Yay, fun. And guess who's going to guest star on this tour? Everyone looks around, not knowing the answer.

The answer is TWO ANNOYING CHILDREN! They're really smiley and irritating in an endearing way, so they must be John's grandkids! Oh, and they call him "Grampa" but you know, whatever. BTW, Lex's (the girl) outfit? So 1993, lol.

Ellie smiles at these happy children, Ian looks uninterested, and Alan quietly hangs himself in the background.

So two really brightly-colored cars come along. They're so pretty and brand-spankin' new! I hope nothing happens to them, like getting muddy or falling into a tree!

Ian wants to ride with Ellie, obvs. And why not? She's pretty. But Ian's stupid, so he tells Alan he wants to ride with Ellie. OH SNAP, IAN, DON'T YOU KNOW THEY'RE TOGETHER!?

Anyway, the little boy Timmy grins at Alan and starts fanboying all over him.

Tim: I read your book!
Alan: Cool. Bye.
Tim: ILU
Alan: GTFO
Tim: (talks about dinosaurs and follows Alan into the car)
Alan: (gets out of the car)
Tim: (follows him and doesn't shut the hell up)
Me: Kid, srsly, you're annoying. I hate your voice.
Alan: Listen, Tim, what car are you riding in?
Tim: Whichever one you are.
Alan: :|
Me: Oh who am I kidding, I love you Tim.

Alan shuts Tim in the other car and makes for the other car, only to find that Ellie sent Lex to ride with Alan. Alan is like :|. Oh Alan. You can't win, can you?

Back at the...the place...fuck it, I'll just call it HQ. Back at HQ, Muldoon tells John that there's a tropical storm heading their way. But whatever, it'll probably swing south like the last one, right? Of course not. This movie is a thriller, remember? Thrillers have to have lots of scary rain.

And the tour begins! The voice in the cars is all, "Look out the window and you'll see this super cool dinosaur! Diloposaurus or something!"

Alan fanboys a little and Ellie fangirls a little and Lex and Tim crawl to the window to look around excitedly but there ain't no dinosaurs. LAME. Everyone is disappointed. This tour sucks, you guys.

Back at HQ, everyone complains at Nedry about something or other that I don't give a crap about. Nedry is annoying and complains right back about his financial problems out of nowhere. Whatever, Nedry, nobody likes you. Muldoon tells him to put in a sock in it. Thanks, Muldoon, I knew I liked you.

The tour cars are approaching the T. rex habitat, omg. Let's see what happens!

...

...

...

...

Nothing happens. Ian entertains me in this time of boredom by saying, "God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs." We get it, Ian, you hate dinosaurs. Why'd you fucking come to the island then? You're a mathematician, what do they need you for? Ellie distracts me from my irritation with Ian by adding to his pondering, "Dinosaurs eat man. Woman inherits the Earth." I love you, Ellie. Ian and Alan give her priceless looks.

Still, it's boring, so HQ decides to makes things not boring by throwing a GOAT into the mix! What the hell, dudes, anybody could see a goat at a farm or a petting zoo.

Lex says in horror, "He's gonna eat the goat!?" Oh, they're trying to lure out the T. rex! Thanks, Lex, we couldn't have done it without you.

Alan says, "T. rex doesn't wanna be fed, he wants to hunt!" Weren't you listening to the geneticist a few scenes ago, Alan? The T. rex is a She-rex. Duh. Get it right.

Plus, I recognize that line from A Very Potter Musical! AVMP took a line from Jurassic Park! Yay!

The goat decides to lie down and chill for a while because this tour is so boring. Seriously. This park sucks. Everyone in the cars agree. Ian is obnoxious about it and knocks on the camera thing in the car and says, "DUDE YOU SAID THERE WERE GONNA BE DINOSAURS." John mutters, "I really hate that man." Well let's face it, John, you suck at entertainment.

Ian tries to make conversation with Alan, who is clearly too cool for him. Ian turns his charm onto Ellie, since Alan's gay chemistry with a secondary character doesn't crop up till the third film. Ian explains the butterfly effect to Ellie with an experiment with water on her hand. The whole thing goes right over my head, and I wonder why he didn't just show her the movie. But whatever, it seems to make sense to Ellie, who is delighted. You go, Ian. I never knew chaos theory was such a turn-on for the ladies.

Alan randomly hops out of the car, and Ellie follows. Soon everybody except for Ian, who's too sexy for that shit, is following Alan. Tim continues his rambling about dinosaurs to Alan, who doesn't listen. Lex stumbles and Alan catches her by the hand, asking if she's alright. She's MORE than alright, babycakes, just like I would be if I was in her place! She's grinning like the dumb little 12-year-old she is and doesn't let go of Alan's hand. Lucky little bitch. Alan looks quite uncomfortable. I laugh through my jealousy.

LOOK A TRICERATOPS. She's lying down and groaning a lot, so something must be wrong. The vet says that she's sick, which anybody with eyes could have figured out, and that's about as far as his competence goes.

Ellie and Alan are amazed and wander closer to touch her pet her and be all emotional over the sick dinosaur, whom I shall name Sally. Ellie is laughing and crying in complete awe, which I think is a little over-the-top, but hey, I'm not a dinosaur nerd who actually got to interact with a real triceratops, so...

Alan is rubbing Sally's head and saying that triceratopses were his favorite dinosaurs when he was a kid, and now Sally is the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He even sounds close to tears, which I find more attractive on him than I do on Ellie.

Ellie asks what Sally's symptoms are, and the vet says she's imbalanced, disoriented, and her breathing is labored. It happens every six weeks or so. Weird. This sounds like a medical case they should turn over to Dr. House! I bet he could figure it out within the timeframe of an hour, using only his cane, Vicodin, lacrosse ball, and sarcasm. I don't remember if we ever find out what was wrong with Sally, but I hope she's alright.

We get a funny/cute little shot of Alan more or less lying on Sally's belly and feeling it rise and fall hugely underneath him. He grins stupidly, and it's the cutest thing EVER. Lex shares my feelings by the way she comes closer, smiling.

Ellie shows some usefulness by telling the Useless Vet that Sally's pupils are dilated (which he should already knows because he's the VETERINARIAN) this means it's something...well, something that's in Ellie's line of work, I guess? It's from local plant life, apparently. She sees some toxic plant and the vet is like, "Yeah we know they're toxic but the animals don't eat them so it's all cool." Ellie is reasonably skeptical because this vet has already shown that he is bad at his job.

So she decides now would be a great time to dig around in dinosaur shit. Yay!

Back at HQ, Muldoon gets off the phone with a dude who tells them that the tropical storm seems intent on pushing this plot forward, so they've gotta cut the tour short. John is sad, and I'm sad that he doesn't care that Alan, Ellie, Ian, Douchey Suit Guy, and his grandkids could get hurt in a tropical storm in the middle of a park full of DINOSAURS.

But enough of John, we have Sickly Sally to focus on! Ian, who has magically appeared, approaches a big mound of dino-poo. It's huge. It's, like, as tall as Ian.

Ian: That is one big pile of shit.

I love you, Ian.

Ellie is digging around while Ian, Alan, and the Useless Vet stand around watching with "eww" expressions on their faces. Ellie's digging comes up with none of that toxic plant, though, so she's still puzzled. She wanders off, trying to figure out what could be wrong with Sally. Ian and Alan agree on her "tenacity." You kids. Ian calls after her, reminding her to wash her hands before she eats anything, while Alan wobbles around trying to avoid the inevitability of stepping in Sally's crap. It's cute.

Meanwhile, Nedry is doing whatever on his computer at HQ. Then it thunders over where Sally's at. Douchey Suit Guy jumps at the sudden clap of thunder. I jump too. Everytime. I hate being astrophobic. Douchey Suit Guy insists that they leave in a tremulous voice. Pussy.

Ellie doesn't want to leave, so everyone's like, "Okay. Later dudes."

At HQ, Nedry is talking to the dude that he met with in South America (I think) who's bitching about how he hasn't gotten the embryos yet. Oh yeah, I forgot we had a subplot going on. Nobody really cares, though.

John complains about how his tour sucks, what with "two no-shows and one sick triceratops." Shut up, John, Sally was awesome. You're the one who can't make a decent amusement park. The black dude with the cigarette tells John to STFU because it could have been worse, and Nedry butts in, rambling with transparent innocence about how he's totally just going to the vending machine to get a soda anybody want one he's buyin'! He debugged the system and some other systems might shut down briefly but it's nothing to be worried about so bye!

Back in the pretty, colorful cars, it's pouring rain and Alan asks if Ian wants any kids. Woah now boys, you have no chemistry. Don't make me activate my Slash Goggles too soon!

Ian says, "Hell yeah, three! I love kids!" and takes a swig of whiskey. Nice. I bet you beat your wife. He mentions wives, and Alan says in surprise, "You're married?" KNOCK IT OFF, ALAN.

Ian responds with "Occasionally. I'm always on the lookout for an ex-Mrs. Malcolm." He chuckles and stops when Alan looks unamused. Don't be such a stick in the mud, Alan.

Nedry goes up to the Embryo Room or whatever at HQ and steals some and puts them in the special shaving cream bottle the nerdy guy in Costa Rica gave him. In the computer room part of HQ, Black Guy With Cigarette notices with some alarm that the security systems are shutting down. John is not genre savvy, so he reminds Black Guy With Cigarette that Nedry SAID some systems would shut down! Nothing to worry about!

Back in the cars, Ian still insists on bothering Alan.

Ian: So, uh, Ellie...she's not, like, available, is she?
Alan: (sharply) Why?
Ian: (wises up) Yeeeah...I'm sorry, you two are...?
Alan: Yeah!

Aw, possessive Alan. It's cute. But he and Ellie barely look like a couple. They hug like twice and never kiss and don't exchange loving stares or anything. So don't get all pissy, Alan, you're not a very good boyfriend.

The car stops and Alan is like, "Fuck, what'd I touch?" and Ian is like, "Nothing, dumbass, it just stopped."

At HQ, the computers are all beeping! Oh no! All the fences around the park are failing! OH SHIT. John is pissed and tells them to find Nedry.

But Nedry is hauling ass out of there. He's passing through gates and fences and stuff and running into shit.

At HQ again, John worries that the raptor fences are failing too, but Black Guy With Cigarette says no, they're still on. Yeah, like that'll last.

HQ is trying to get into Nedry's system to undo whatever he did, but they can't hack into it, so they try to call Nedry's people in Cambridge, but the phones are out! Shocking! John asks in horror where the cars stopped.

Hey look, the goat is back! We pan over to see that the cars stopped right next to the T. rex habitat! Who would have expected that?

Alan finds out that the radio in his car is out, so he goes to check the other one and it's out too. He goes back to his and Ian's car and says that Douchey Suit Guy said to stay put. Ian asks if the kids are okay, and Alan says he didn't ask because he didn't care because why wouldn't they be okay? Jeez, Alan, are you stupid?

Ian, daddy of three, clearly understands kids better. "Kids get scared," he tells Alan. Alan scoffs at the idea of being scared because of a little "hiccup in the power" which Ian interprets as Alan saying Ian is scared, so he gets all defensive and says that he didn't say HE was scared, and Alan says he didn't say Ian was scared, and Ian says he knows. Jesus Christ, guys. Ian, you're scared. Alan, you're a dick. End of discussion.

Tim pops up and screams BOO at Lex, who jumps. Tim is wearing some goofy-looking goggles that match the car. HEY THOSE LOOK LIKE MY SLASH GOGGLES.

Douchey Suit Guy asks Tim where he got those goggles, and Tim says he found them under his seat.

Douchey Suit Guy: Are they heavy?
Tim: Yeah.
Douchey Suit Guy: Then they're expensive; put it back.

Douchey Suit Guy is douchey. You're such a buzzkill, dude!

Tim ignores him, though, so my appreciation for this kid goes up a little. He crawls into the back seat and peers over at Alan and Ian's car with the goggles. HOLY SHIT TIM YOU SEE IT TOO!? See, Slash Goggles are the best!

Alan fills up his canteen with rainwater and takes a gulp, then offers some to Ian. Aww. Ian accepts it gratefully with a smile. Double aww. Clearly, all is forgiven after the Ian-wants-to-bang-Alan's-girlfriend thing and the Alan-is-bad-at-not-wounding-Ian's-pride thing.

Tim is watching them, thoroughly entertained. Me too, Tim. But he is soon distracted by...something. Ooooh. Tim removes his Slash Goggles and turns to his sister, asking, "Do you feel that?" UH OH.

Oh wait, this is good, Douchey Suit Guy is about to get eaten! Yay!

Tim scoots forward some more and looks at a glass of water that's been conveniently placed in the car to give the movie industry an iconic "oh shit something's coming" image. The water is...can you guess? RIPPLING!

Tim knows shit is about to go down. And we know he knows because he starts breathing really heavily all of a sudden. He and Ellie should start a club.

The ominous footsteps wake up Douchey Suit Guy, who fell asleep unusually fast, now that I think about it. Whatever, he's awake now. He whispers, "Maybe it's the power trying to come back on." Right. My power doesn't do that when it tries to come back on. It's never done that. And my power goes out a lot. I live in Alabama, right near the Gulf of Mexico. I get hurricanes. Power doesn't go THUMP THUMP THUMP when it tries to come on. You just sit around and wait until it feels like coming back on, but it always comes back on right after you missed something cool on CSI.

Tim is spontaneously interested in the goat, so he looks over there with his Slash-Turned-Night-Vision Goggles, but oh crap the goat's gone! Lex is alarmed by this, and she starts panting too. Way to go, Ellie, you've got yourself quite a following!

Lex asks where the goat is, like Douchey Suit Guy would frickin' know, and then a bloody goat leg drops down out of nowhere onto the windshield. Like the torn up blue thing that held the cow earlier, this is one of the parts that still actually creeps me out.

Lex gasps and scrambles away from the windshield. I applaud her for not crapping her pants like I would have.

Meanwhile, Tim is gaping out the window, and we see a huge-ass T. rex gulping down the rest of the goat. I don't know why she threw away that leg, though, it looked scrumptious. Maybe she wanted to share with the ickle humans? I dunno.

The T-rex (whom I shall now name Delilah, because it sounds like "delightful" and she looks like a big ball o' sunshine!) looks over at the car like, "Well hello there!"

Douchey Suit Guy gasps out, "Oh Jesus! Oh Jesus!" and pulls THE douchiest move of all time. He leaps from the car, abandoning the kids, and runs away. Lex and Tim stare after him, Lex whispering in horror, "He left us! He left us!" I know, what a dick, right? I'm glad you die, Douchey Suit Guy!

Douchey Suit Guy runs into a porta-potty, wheezing and gasping and sounding really fucking strange and douchey. He falls on the toilet in such a dignified manner. NOT.

Alan and Ian watch him make his mad escape, unaware of Delilah lurking just behind the fence.

Alan: Where does he think he's going?
Ian: When you gotta go, you gotta go.

Oh, Ian.

Delilah starts walking again, but this time it makes a very noticeable thump. I don't know why her footsteps started making so much noise so suddenly, but whatever. It catches Alan and Ian's attention, because they don't have strategically-placed cups of water to let them know trouble's afoot.

The wires of the fence snap away, and the fence groans and squeaks weakly. Oh shit, right? It starts wobbling all precariously and stuff.

Back in Lex and Tim and not Douchey Suit Guy's car, Lex and Tim are looking around in terror. Lex whispers desperately, "Dr. Grant?" But I haven't a clue why, he's like fifty feet away in a different car. Dumb kids.

Anyway, Delilah has decided that she just doesn't DO fences, okay? So she comes out of her habitat and checks out the cars, and she roars. That T. rex roar is one of the things that still creeps me out, too. It sounds like metal screeching together, plus something else, plus it's coming from a huge-ass dinosaur. I dunno, it gives me the willies.

Ian is true to his snarky nature and says, "Boy, I hate being right all the time." Shut up, Ian.

Delilah roars again, I wince again, and she stalks around some more.

Alan reminds us that he's a dinosaur expert and tells Ian to keep absolutely still because Delilah's vision is based on movement. Thanks, Alan, we almost forgot!

Lex is scrambling around in the other car, looking for something useful. What could possibly be useful against a T. rex that a little girl would know how to operate? She finds a flashlight. Okay, cool.

Delilah is sniffing around Alan and Ian's car when Lex starts waving the light around. Dumbass. Alan hisses, "Turn the light off, turn the light off!" What is it with these two and whispering uselessly to one another?

Anyway, Delilah is like, "Awesome, shiny!" and goes for the other car. Shit. Tim shrieks for Lex to turn the light off, and Lex's OH CRAP face is funny enough that I forgive her for being stupid.

Tim shuts the car door that Douchey Suit Guy very impolitely left wide open (he's gonna let all the A/C out, the asshole!) which Delilah notices. Lex and Tim freeze, and Lex still hasn't turned the damn flashlight off because she's STUPID. Delilah roars, I die a little, Lex and Tim cover their ears, and then they scramble away to the other side of the car because they're like the only two people in the universe who haven't heard of the "it can't see you if you don't move" thing.

Delilah nudges the car, and Lex and Tim start screaming. Tim and Lex try to turn off the flashlight, but they...don't know how? Christ, Lex, how the fuck did you turn it on? It's a FLASHLIGHT, it's not that hard to figure out. How did you survive to your age?

Anyway, Delilah decides to bust in through the glass/plastic/whatever in the roof of the car. Lex and Tim hold it up, blocking Delilah while they scream their empty little heads off. Delilah roars, annoyed by their desire to live. Resistance is futile!

Alan stares at the spectacle, horrified. Pan over to Ian's side of the windshield, which is all fogged up. What were you two doing over there? Snagging some quick "we might die today" sex? Don't worry, boys, I gotcha. Anyway, Ian rubs away the fog to watch the would-be feast, too.

Delilah gives up on the through-the-roof approach and tips the car over. It's very "bitch plz." I kinda like Delilah, despite her nightmarish roaring. Lex and and Tim scream some more, and Alan leans forward with wide eyes. Aw, he does care.

Delilah starts munching on the tires for whatever reason, and then we get a reaction shot from Ian this time. His expression is like Alan's, only since we see it right after Delilah destroys the tires, it kind of comes across as him being scared for the tires and not the kids.

It's okay, Ian, I thought those tires were nifty, too. They will be missed.

Lex and Tim? Still screaming and pretty much just having a sucky day over there in the Car of Wonders.

Alan says "fuck this shit" and finds a box of emergency flares. Delilah does her freaky roar again (seriously, I find that sound abnormally unsettling; like, I feel a little nauseous whenever I hear it, honest to God) and steps down on the car. Lex and Tim are freaking out, and the car is sinking into the mud. There are bubbling, gooey sounds to go along with the top of the car sinking and Lex and Tim being submerged to their elbows in nasty, muddy water. It's quite a vile sound, but maybe that's just me.

Alan runs out into the rain with his flare lit, waving to Delilah. She looks up at him and roars (QUIT IT, DELILAH!) and now that she's distracted from the kids, Alan...doesn't really have a plan after that, so he kind of just falters and looks like, "Oh crap."

Then Ian lights a flare! ...why?

Alan waves the flare back and forth. Delilah's head follows it. Alan throws it into the forest, and HOORAY! Delilah starts to go after it! Everyone's saved!

But then Ian leaps out of the car, screaming, "Hey!" at Delilah and waving his flare around. GOD, IAN! YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING!

Alan: IAN, FREEZE!!!

He sounds so awesome and sexy right there.

Ian doesn't freeze. He leads Delilah further away, running and waving the flare around, hollering for Alan to get the kids. Alan complies and tells Ian to get rid of the flare. Ian throws his flare into the woods, but Delilah thinks Ian is yummier than a lame-ass flare. I agree.

Meanwhile, in the porta-potty, Douchey Suit Guy is praying frantically as the walls around him shake violently. Stop it, Douchey Suit Guy, that never helped anybody.

But Ian, being awesome, has inadvertently led Delilah to the porta-potty. Delilah bursts into the porta-potty. Douchey Suit Guy screams. Ian falls and is trapped underneath the walls of the porta-potty. Can we get a number count of how many times I've said "porta-potty" now? I'll add the numbers to the end of this recap.

Delilah stops and looks at Douchey Suit Guy sitting pathetically on his toilet.

Delilah: You're not nearly as delicious-looking as Ian Malcolmn. Who the hell are you?
Douchey Suit Guy: I'm Douchey Suit Guy. I'm a lawyer.
Delilah: Eh, whatever. OM NOM NOM
Douchey Suit Guy: OMG (dead)

Alan has made his way over to the kids' car and is trying to get them out. They're squealing his name over and over, like that's gonna do anything.

Tim's feet are stuck beneath the car. That's not good! I like Tim! But Alan manages to pull Lex out of the car easily. She's gasping and crying and covered in mud. She looks gross. Take a shower, Lex. Once she's out, Alan gets to trying to yank Tim out. Lex thinks this is as good a time as any to sit up on her knees and scream bloody murder.

Alan throws himself at her and claps a hand over her mouth, ordering, "Don't move! He can't see us if we don't move!" Uh, Alan, hello? HER name is DELILAH.

Delilah comes over, very upset with Alan for calling her a boy. But Alan and Lex and stock-still, and Delilah can't see them. Well, that puts a damper on her plans, doesn't it? Poor Delilah can't get nothin' done right. But she comes really close to them, and her breath sends Alan's hat flying. Nooo, Alan's hat! It's like Indie's hat!

Delilah figures spinning the car around in circles will help (uh, whatever...) so she does just that. Alan and Lex stumble around, trying not to be taken out by the car. It stops spinning, and Delilah's plan didn't work. Sucks for her.

Delilah spins the car again. I don't know what you're trying to accomplish here, Delilah. But anyway, Tim screams, and we're all like, "Oh yeah he's in there isn't he?"

The car + Tim (and Alan and Lex) are very close to the edge of a...cliff thing? It's like a concrete cliff or something, I dunno, but anyway, they're all about to fall off it. Lex clambers onto Alan's back, and he grabs one of the wires that used to be a fence to rappel down the cliff-thing. Alan sees the headlights of the car above them. Delilah is about to push it off the cliff-thing, and Alan and Lex are right in it's falling path. Oh crap!

Lex wraps her arms tightly around Alan's neck, choking him. When she's done doing that, they try to swing over and grab the other wire so they'll be out of the car's way. It takes a few tries, but they finally get it and out of the way just as the car plummets off of the edge and into a tree below.

Delilah roars again, pissed that she didn't get any food. This is going to be the third day in a row that she has to settle for a nasty Hot Pocket that's been sitting in the back of her freezer for like three weeks. Oh well.

Back at HQ, Black Guy With Cigarette does some computer talk and figures out that Nedry is turning all the safety systems off, that he doesn't want anybody to see what he's about to do. No one cares about his subplot, guys.

John asks Muldoon if he'd be so kind as to take out a Jeep and bring back his grandkids. Muldoon's like "Sure whatever." Ellie says she's going with him. You go girl. Bring back your boyfriend!

Black Guy With Cigarette says to John that he can't get Jurassic Park back online without Dennis Nedry. Ugh, why nottt? Come on, BGWC, we don't like Nedry! He's ugly and annoying and douchey and he's shaped like a pumpkin. Can't you figure a way around getting him back?

Somewhere in the park, Nedry is failing at life. He sends his car flying into a ravine and gets eaten by the Cute Frilly Dinosaur. Yay! I guess that means Jurassic Park doesn't get him back!

Anyway, Alan is bellowing up at car in the tree for Timmy. There's no response. He turns to Lex, who's just over there hyperventilating, don't mind her.

Alan: Lex, I'm right here, I'm gonna look after you, but I have to go help your brother. So I want you to stay right here and wait for me.
Lex: He left us! He left us!

Why can't kids these days act as well as she can? Srsly. She actually looks traumatized. I guess that's what happens when you act with Douchey Suit Guy.

Alan assures her that he's not going to leave her, and because he's sexy Alan, Lex believes him and crawls into the safety of the pipe nearby.

Alan goes to the tree and calls for Tim again, and there's still no response. He climbs up the tree and finds Tim just sitting there. Dude, kid, don't you wanna get out? I guess not. He tells Alan that he threw up, and Alan looks like he's not sure if he's supposed to care or not, so he just says, "Okay." He tries to get Tim to take his hand, but he won't for God knows what reason. Alan promises not to tell anyone that Tim threw up (what's with this stupid kid?) and Tim finally starts trying to get out.

So they're out of the car and starting to climb down. Alan is obviously afraid of heights but he's trying to reassure Tim. It's funny in a sadly adorable way.

Alan: Okay, now that's not too bad, right Tim?
Tim: Yes it is.
Alan: Just like coming out of a tree house. Did your dad ever build you a tree house?
Tim: No.
Alan: Yeah, me too.

You know he's not even really talking to Tim. He's totally giving himself a pep talk. I just squee'd so loud that my dog came running over with a very alarmed look on his face. Go back to licking your ass, Bandit, I'm just fangirling.

Anyway, he says that the most important thing is to never ever look down, and he's gonna help Tim, ad Tim's just looking down and going, "This is impossible! How'm I gonna do this!? It's like 50 feet!" BUT THEN THE CAR'S WEIGHT SNAPS A TREE BRANCH ABOVE THEM, OH GOD.

Alan says, "Oh no..." and tells Tim to start FUCKING CLIMBING. They have a mad race for the ground with the car, and Tim and Alan win! But then the car falls on top of them.

Tim: Well...we're back in the car again.
Alan: Well...at least you're out of the tree.

I love you two so much it's insane.

Ellie and Muldoon zoom up to where the cars (now just one car) were when Delilah broke out. Ellie freaks, seeing that there's only one car. She and Muldoon start screaming various titles of Alan Grant, who, obviously, doesn't scream back because he and the kids are somewhere else.

Ellie and Muldoon wander around some more, and Ellie stoops to look at something off-screen with a revolted expression, while Muldoon picks up something in the background.

Muldoon: I think this [whatever he picked up] was Douchey Suit Guy.
Me: LOL
Ellie: I think this [whatever she's looking at] was, too.
Me: LOL!!! Dude you must have tasted awful, Douchey Suit Guy! Delilah spat you right out!

Delilah roars somewhere in the distance. Ellie is alarmed, and Muldoon might be alarmed too, but he's too cool to show it. "I think it's ahead of us," Ellie guesses worriedly. "It could be anywhere!" Muldoon corrects unhelpfully. Shut up, Muldoon. But Muldoon doesn't listen to the uncool likes of me, and continues, "With the fences down, it can wander in and out of any paddock it likes." Okay, you know what, Muldoon? YOU ACCOMPLISH NOTHING BY TELLING ELLIE THAT. So STFU, you're just scaring everyone.

He finally shuts up when we hear somebody groan among the rubble of the porta-potty. Oh God, please tell me the two halves of Douchey Suit Guy didn't actually survive!

Oh no wait it's just Ian. We forgot about you, cupcake! Sorry! But you're alive, so that's good.

Ellie and Muldoon go to Ian's aid. They find that he put a tourniquet on some injury of sorts he obtained in the Delilah Massacre a few scenes back. Where'd he get something to make a tourniquet from, anyway? And why did he just now make some noise? These are the questions that haunt me...

But Ian proves even further that he's alright but reminding us that he's the comic relief of this movie. "Remind me to thank John for a wonderful weekend," he groans. Oh, Ian. Sticks and stones and porta-potties and dinosaurs may break your bones, but your sarcasm never dies.

Delilah roars again, because hey, she can't have the audience forgetting that she's MEAN and SCARY, right? Go Delilah! Assert your screen time!

Delilah's screen time assertion scares everyone this time.

Ellie: Should we chance moving him [Ian]?
Delilah: PAY ATTENTION TO ME! ROAR!
Ian: Please chance it.

At least Ian has the decency for once to look like this whole clusterfuck frightens him.

Ellie is still wandering around trying to find Alan, which pisses Muldoon off because he wants to GET THE HELL AWAYYY. He hisses, "Ellie, come ON!" when Delilah roars again in the distance.

But Ellie's not the kind of girl to pay attention to what the Cool British Guy Who Never Looks Scared, Only Looks Really Stressed Out says. So she peers down over the wall and sees the other car lying underneath the Tree of Death.

Muldoon figures that's a good enough excuse to put off running away for a while, and they go search around the car, calling for Alan, but they don't find anyone. Alan and Tim must've gotten out from underneath there a while back.

Ellie is crying some more, disappointed that they haven't found her boyfriend, but she feels a little better when they spot some footprints leading away from the car. Cool beans, they might not dead!

Ian is sitting in the Jeep, looking very tired, when OH SHIT, MORE ICONIC WATER-RIPPLING. He hears the thumping footsteps and looks down at the giant T-rex footprint filled with water. It's shaking.

Ian's voice is FINALLY scared, and not just sarcastic and stuff. Thank you, Ian, you're getting a little more believable. He starts talking as if Ellie and Muldoon are right there with him, even though they're not, but it's okay because he's scared and he has to talk when he's scared. Coping mechanisms, y'know? He says in not a small amount of alarm, "Anybody hear that? It's a, um...it's an impact tremor is what it is. I'm fairly alarmed here." Yeah, we got that.

Ellie and Muldoon are coming back, but they're not coming nearly fast enough for Ian, who starts waving his arms and saying, "Come on, come on, come on, we gotta get outta here! Now, now! Right now!"

Ellie and Muldoon: (jogging all too leisurely, goddammit)
Ian: GO GO GO LET'S GO!!!
Ellie and Muldoon: (hop in)
Ian: START THE ENGINE!!!
Delilah: HEY DUDES
Everyone: :o

Now that they're all in the car with Muldoon at the wheel, Muldoon starts hauling ass out of there. Ian is an annoying backseat driver throughout this, and Delilah is tailgating them the whole way. You're gonna get a ticket, Delilah.

Ellie is screaming, "Shit!" over and over again while Ian finally starts screaming too, STILL backseat driving. Muldoon is not happy. Ian is flailing all over them, trying to scoot his way into the front seat with everyone else because they tossed his crippled self in the back, and he's closest to Delilah. Delilah knows how tasty Ian must be, and she remembers that she almost had him, and she doesn't want another shitty Douchey Suit Guy instead this time.

There's some more screaming, more terrifying roars from Delilah, but eventually Delilah stops chasing them and stares after them mournfully, unhappy with missing a tasty Ian opportunity again.

Ellie is relieved, and so is Ian by the way he goes right back to his comic relief-y self. He asks, "Think they'll have THAT on the tour?" No, Ian, because that's dangerous.

Delilah roars again, and we go back to Alan and Lex and Tim, who hear Delilah's freakish roar. "Are you hearing this?" Lex whispers in terror.

They're next to a tree, so Alan tells Tim to hurry and get into the tree. Tim is his favorite, obvs, because he's the only one he pays attention to. Tim complains and whines and groans about it.

Tim: I hate trees!
Lex: They don't bother me!
Me: You went from "traumatized" to "happy-go-lucky tree climber" in no time.
Tim: Oh yeah? Well you weren't IN the last one!

I love those kids.

Anyway, they get pretty high up into this really-easily-climbed tree from like the Mesozoic Era, and they all just chill there comfortable. They look out over the rest of the forest and Tim eagerly points out some Brachiosauruses. These kids recover from terrifying, nearly fatal encounters with a fucking T-rex really quickly.

Anyway, all the Brachiosauruses are groaning and roaring(?) and being really chatty. Alan, like Tim, is still a dinosaur fanboy, and he scrambles closer to the edge of the branch, saying excitedly, "They're singing!" Dude, awesome. Ellie forms a club for Panting People, dinosaurs form bands. Small world!

Alan starts making sounds like the Brachiosauruses, because he wants to be a dinosaur rock star too. All the dinosaurs are like, "Nice pipes!" and one comes closer. Lex freaks.

Lex: Shh, shh! Don't let the monsters come over here!
Alan: They're not monsters, Lex, they're just animals.

Shut up, Alan, don't bitch at her. She's twelve, she had a sheet of plastic between her and Delilah's teeth. She's allowed to think dinosaurs are monsters, even Granny Littlefoots/Littlefeet.

Alan tells her that Granny Littlefoots/Littlefeet are herbivores, and Tim elaborates for his sister, "That means they only eat vegetables. But for you, I think they'd make an exception." Dude, really? You're gonna joke about being eaten by dinosaurs when it ALMOST FUCKING HAPPENED LIKE FIFTEEN MINUTES AGO? Christ, in this world, therapists must be out of a job. Who needs 'em?

Lex seems a bit reassured by the fact that these dinosaurs are herbivores, but she says tightly, "Well I hate the other kind." No kidding, honey.

Alan defends the carnivores by saying, "The other kind just...do what they do." Seriously, Alan, STFU. You almost got eaten too. And quit trying to pretend like you don't agree with Lex. We get it, you like Tim more than you like her.

Alan goes back to sit against the trunk. He looks adorably bewildered when Lex and Tim immediately go to sit on either side of him and snuggle up under his arms like scared puppies. Then something stabs him in the ass and he pulls out his fossilized velociraptor claw. He and the kids look at it for a moment.

Lex: What are you and Ellie gonna do now, if you don't have to dig up dinosaur bones anymore?
Alan: I don't know. I guess...I guess we'll just have to evolve, too.

He looks so lost and cute and sad. He loves his job, he loves dinosaurs, but now that he's nearly been EATEN by them... Poor Alan.

Alan fiddles with the claw and looks at it sadly. Then Tim pipes up out of nowhere, "What do you call a blind dinosaur?"

I'VE HEARD THIS ONE BEFORE!

Alan looks at Lex like WTF real quick before he remembers that he likes Tim and decides that kids say random stuff like this all the time, so he might as well just go with it. He says he doesn't know and Tim says, "A do-you-think-he-saurus?"

Hahaha. I love that one. Alan does too, 'cause he laughs. Tim then asks, "What do you call a blind dinosaur's dog?"

I haven't heard this one...

Alan says he doesn't know again. The answer is "A do-you-think-he-saurus rex."

HA!

Lex asks, "What if the dinosaurs come back while we're all asleep?" You actually plan to fall asleep after that Delilah fiasco!? How!?

Alan immediately says he'll stay awake. "All night?" asks Lex. "All night," Alan promises.

AWW. ALAN. BOTTLE. SRSLY.

The kids tuck in and go to sleep (somehow, holy crap) and Alan tosses his claw away into the forest.

BORING SCENE AHEAD. Gross!

John is sitting alone in the restaurant part of HQ, eating melting ice cream, and Ellie comes and sits across from him. She tell him that Ian's okay for now, she gave him a shot of morphine.

John says, "They'll be fine. Who better to get the children through Jurassic Park than a dinosaur expert?"

DUDE. YOU ARE A HORRIBLE GRANDFATHER. Alan knows a lot about dinosaurs, but he can't frickin' fight them off or anything, you dipshit. GOD.

Then he rambles on about his first attraction he ever built when he came down from Scotland. The audience looks around and goes, "Scotland? He's British!" But whatever. His first attraction was a flea circus, and he goes on about how he wanted something real, something that wasn't an illusion, something people could see and touch, an aim not devoid of merit. Whatever dude.

Ellie tells him he can't think through this one, he has to feel it. John doesn't get it. He's like, "Yeah hiring Nedry was a stupid move, we're too dependent on automation. But next time, it'll have all been corrected, yay!"

Ellie snaps that the park is still an illusion. It gives him the illusion that he has control. But he doesn't, and the power is out now, and the people they love are in danger and there's no control over it.

John says he spared no expense. Idiot.

It's morning now, and Alan and Lex and Tim are awakened by Granny Littlefoot snacking on the leaves right by them. Lex screams and Alan assures her that Granny Littlefoot is just a Brachiosaur. Tim reminds Lex that Granny Littlefoot is a veggie-saurus.

Alan holds out a little tree branch filled with leaves, and Granny Littlefoot is like OM NOM NOM and Alan is laughing and fanboying and saying, "I'm not letting go!" and being the cutest man in the universe.

Lex starts smiling now, and Alan manages to get Granny Littlefoot to let him and Tim pet her. Tim says it looks like she has a cold. Could dinosaurs get colds?

Lex asks if she can touch Granny Littlefoot (aw) and Alan says yeah, just think of her as a big cow! It's adorable. Lex says she likes cows and reaches out to try and pet Granny Littlefoot...

...who then sneezes disgustingly all over Lex. Omg it's so gross. Tim thinks it's hilarious and says "bless you!" while Lex gasps and shakes and looks repulsed. Poor kid.

Later, as they're walking through the forest, Lex is still disgusted, and Tim is all like, "Great now she'll never try anything new. She'll just sit in her room and play on her computer."

Lex: I'm a hacker!
Me: Yeah just scream that for the world to hear.
Tim: That's what I said. You're a nerd.
Lex: I prefer to be called a hacker!

Alan stumbles across a nest of hatched dinosaur eggs. OMG THE DINOSAURS ARE BREEDING!

Tim says in confusion, "But Grampa said that all the dinosaurs were girls."

Alan: Amphibian DNA...
Lex: What's that?
Me: The DNA of amphibians, sweetheart.

Alan explains that the geneticists mutated the dinosaur genetic code by filling in the gaps with frog DNA. He goes on to speculate that some West African frogs have been known to change sex from male to female in a single sex environment. So Ian was right. The chick dinosaurs suddenly grew schlongs!

Meanwhile, back at HQ, everyone is still pissed at Nedry because they can't figure out WTF he did or how to undo it without shutting down the entire system. Black Guy With Cigarette is strongly against doing that because they've never shut down the entire system before, so they don't know if it'll start back up again. But shutting it down is the only way to wipe out everything Nedry did. So John snaps at Black Guy With Cigarette that "PEOPLE - ARE - DYING!" What, you actually give a shit?

But BGWC finally agrees to shut down the system. All the computers are gone, all the lights are gone, everything's gone. BGWC restarts it...and the computer starts blinking "System Ready." It worked!

Ian worriedly says, "What do you mean it worked? Everything's still off!" Yeah, nothing came back on, guys.

BGWC explains, "Maybe the shutdown tripped the circuit breakers. All we have to do is turn them on, reboot the system: telephones, security doors, half a dozen others, but it worked. System's ready."

Muldoon asks where the breakers are. Apparently, they're in the maintenance shed at the other end of the compound. Oh, that's perfect... BGWC says that it would take him three minutes to get everything up and running again. Cool beans!

John wants everyone in the emergency bunkers until BGWC comes back just to be safe, because safety is his brand new schtick as of two seconds ago.

Back with Alan and Lex and Tim, they're walking in a pretty field. Lex and Tim are bitching, and Alan tells them to shut up 'cause HQ is just another mile away.

Then a big herd of dinosaurs comes running! Alan decides to play the teacher and asks Tim if he can tell him what those kinds of dinosaurs are. Tim knows the answer because he's awesome. They're Galimimus. Whatever.

Lex stutters anxiously, "Are - are those, um, meat-eating? Uh, meat-asauruses?" She's so cute.

Alan is too busy being a geeky fanboy to answer her.

Alan: Look at the wheeling! Uniform direction changes just like a flock of birds evading a predator!

Tim is smarter than Alan, though - or at least, a little less fanboyish - because he gets an OH SHIT look on his face and he says, "They're, uh, they're flocking this way!" He smiles nervously, and then he and Lex run for the hills. Alan stands around stupidly for half a second longer before he wises up and takes off running too. Dumbass.

He grabs the kids by the hands and they're right in the middle of the herd. These dinosaurs are polite enough to swerve around them, but Alan would rather be on the safe side so he leaps over a giant fallen tree and yanks the kids with him. The dinosaurs are jumping over it, so at least the humans are out of the way now.

When the herd is done doing that, Alan and Lex and Tim go around to the other side of the dead tree and peek over it to look at the herd some more. Then all of a sudden, DELILAH APPEARS! Hey Delilah, we missed you!

Delilah finally gets something to eat this time, but she's still a little depressed it's not Ian. Oh well, she's got herself a Galamimus. Alan and Lex and Tim are staring at Delilah while she eats very messily, and Alan and Tim are unusually chill about seeing her again for some reason. Lex is the only one who's scared.

Lex: (whispers) I wanna go now.
Alan: Just look how it eats...
Me: That was almost YOU last night!
Lex: Please!
Alan: I bet you never look at birds the same way again.
Me: You're definitely not helping, dickwad.
Lex: Yes. Go now.
Alan: (disappointed) Okay. Keep low and follow me.
(they keep low and start leaving)
Tim: (stays there and actually starts trying to get closer to Delilah) Look at how much blood...
Alan: (carries him away)
Me: …

Back at HQ, it's still dark. Ellie is freaking out and saying something must have gone wrong. Muldoon is pacing nervously. John says it's just a delay. Dude, you should know it's NEVER "just a delay."

John: (taking care of Ian's leg) All major theme parks have delays. When they opened Disneyland in 1956, nothing worked.
Ian: But John, if Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don't eat the tourists!

Ian is even funnier when he's scared. I want to bottle you, too. I'll even put you and Alan in the same bottle so you two can bang.

Ellie decides that something definitely went wrong, so she's gonna go turn the power back on herself. Muldoon says, "You can't just stroll down the road, you know." Shut up, Muldoon.

John says that they shouldn't be too hasty, because BGWC has only been gone...well, way too long, but still!

Muldoon says he's going to go with Ellie. Ian struggles to sit up because he wants to let the audience know that he doesn't want Ellie to go. Aw.

Muldoon loads a gun like the badass British Cool Guy he is. I love Muldoon. It's sad he's about to die.

John pulls out the schematics of whatever and puts them rudely on Ian's hurt leg. He warns Ellie that turning on the power isn't going to be simple, but he should be able to follow the schematics and talk her through it. Ellie gets some walkie-talkies.

John: But, uh...it ought to be me really going.
Ellie: Why?
John: Well, I'm a... And you're, um...
Ellie: (pissed) Look--
Muldoon: I don't have time for this girl power scene, let's go.
Ellie: We can discuss sexism in survival situations when I get back. You just take me through this step-by-step. I'm on channel two.

Sorry Muldoon, but...GIRL POWER! Suck it, John!

Outside, Muldoon and Ellie see that a hole has been torn through the velociraptor fence. Shit.

Muldoon leads Ellie into the forest.

Ellie: (looking down a little path in the forest, relieved) I can see the shed from here! We can make it if we run.
Muldoon: No. We can't.
Ellie: Why not?
Muldoon: Because we're being hunted.

MMPH. GOD, MULDOON. You are SO FUCKING AWESOME. Ellie doesn't think so, though, she's kinda scared now. Muldoon says the raptor(s?) is/are in the bushes straight ahead. Oh snap.

Muldoon: It's alright.
Ellie: Like hell it is.
Muldoon: Run. Towards the shed. I've got her. Go! Now!

Ellie starts running, tripping once but then being pretty badass the rest of the run to the shed. She bursts into the shed and slams the door shut behind her. She starts calling for Black Guy With Cigarette, but we've seen the movie up to this point so we know that nobody's gonna call back to her.

Ellie tells John through her walkie-talkie that she's in the shed.

Johns tells her to go down the stairs, and she goes down them. She does her signature panting thing right into the walkie-talkie. I'm surprised nobody comments on it.

John: After 20 or 30 feet, you come to a T-junction. Take a left.
Ian: Just have her follow the main cable.
John: I understand how to read a schematic!

I love lulzy moments like that.

Meanwhile, Alan and Lex and Tim approach an electric fence. 10,000 volts says the pretty sign hanging on it. Alan hops up onto the ledge of the fence with a stick. He looks up at the red and blue lights at the top of the fence, which aren't shiny or blinky or anything. Just to be careful, Alan tosses the stick against the fence. It doesn't catch on fire or explode or anything, so he turns to the kids and shrugs, saying, "I guess that means the power's off."

He turns back to the fence and slowly, dramatically, raises his hands to touch it...

OH MY GOD HE'S SCREAMING HE MUST BE BEING ELECTROCUTED OH GOD OH NO OH GOD oh wait he's just kidding lololol.

Lex: That's not funny.
Tim: That was great!

Alan tugs on the fence, trying to see if they could just like stretch it out and crawl through. But then we hear DELILAH ROAR IN THE DISTANCE. Oh crap!

Lex and Tim climb up hurriedly onto the wall and they all start scaling the fence.

Back with Ellie, she's reached a dead end. John says, "Uh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Yes, there should have been a right turn back there somewhere..." But Ian has had enough of his stupid-ass bullshit and takes the walkie-tale. "Ellie, look above you," he orders. Ellie does. "There should be a large bundle of cable and pipes all heading in the same direction. Follow that." Ellie says okay. John looks pissed that Ian stole his ice cream I MEAN WALKIE-TALKIE.

Back at the fence, Lex bets Timmy that she could climb over the top and get to the other side before he could to the top.

Tim: What would you give me?
Lex: Respect.
Alan: Come on, guys, it's not a race...

Alan is such a daddy.

At the maintenance shed, Ellie sees the box. It says "high voltage."

Meanwhile, with the better half of the cast of this movie, Alan and Lex and Tim have reached the top of the fence and are making their way over it. Alan gently tells Tim to take his time, to remind us that he likes Tim the best. You're not supposed to have favorites, Alan. Oh wait that's only if you're really a guardian, okay I gotcha.

Tim is a bit clumsy getting over the edge. Alan urges him to find his footing.

Back at HQ, John has got his walkie-talkie back and is telling Ellie she can't throw the main switch by hand. She has to pump up the primer handle (whatever the hell that is) to get the charge. Ellie pumps it up and gets the charge. John tells her to press a special button under a special...thing...to close whatever. Ellie pushes it. It lights up a big column of other buttons, and suddenly, back at the fence that Alan has just finished climbing, the lights start flashing and beeping loudly, which scares Tim so badly that he almost falls off the fence. Shittt.

John: Now Ellie, the red buttons turn on the individual park systems. Switch them on.
Ellie: *starts going down the column of buttons, switching them on*
Camera: *pans down to the bottom, which is the button for the perimeter fence, which is OH MY GOD THE ONE TIM IS STILL ON!!!*

Alan and Lex, at the fence, freak out. Lex screams for Tim to get down, and Alan screams that Tim is gonna have to jump. Jesus. No pressure, Timmy. Timmy shrieks, "You crazy!? I'm not gonna jump!"

Lex: Do what Dr. Grant says!
Alan: Let go! I'll count to three! ONE! TWO THREE!
Tim: (doesn't jump)

Meanwhile, Ellie is making her way to the bottom button. Augh!

Alan says he's coming up to get Tim. Lex drags him back, but Alan tells her he has to get Tim, so she lets him go. Tim says he's gonna count to three...

Ellie is closer to the bottom...

"One..."

Even closer...

Tim says, "Two..." and then ZAP! The fence turns on. Tim goes flying back, pumped full of 10,000 volts of electricity. TIMMY NOOO.

Alan catches him, and Lex is screaming "Timmy!" over and over. Alan says he's not breathing!

All the lights in the maintenance shed all come on, and Ellie is delighted. She says, "Mr. Hammond, I think we're back in business!" and OH SHIT A VELOCIRAPTOR COMES OUT OF NOWHERE! Ellie screams and climbs over a fence or something while the velociraptor forces its way through. She manages to shut some sort of fence/door thing, locking the raptor out, and she backs into a wall.

A hand falls on her shoulder. Ellie jumps, but then she recognizes it to belong to Black Guy With Ciagrette. She relaxes, grabbing it and turning...but IT'S JUST BLACK GUY WITH CIGARETTE'S ARM AND NOTHING ELSE, EWWW! Ellie gasps and screams and looks horrified, but then the raptor shoves its face into the fence/door thing! It's breaking through!

Ellie runs, limping, though the halls of the maintenance shed, and the velociraptor follows hungrily. Ellie escapes the shed and shuts the door behind her, crying.

But now we get to see Muldoon die! Yaaay, right? NO.

He's got his gun and his hat and his khaki outfit and his badassery. He's READY to ROCK, you guys.

He hears a raptor purr, and he looks over to see the flora rustle. He aims his gun, thinking he's got her...

But then she pokes her head through the bushes right beside him, hissing ferociously! Muldoon's eyes widen, and he manages to utter an impressed, "Clever girl," before he gets the shit eaten out of him! Oh no! I'll miss you terribly, Muldoon.

The cinematographer decides now would be a good time to show everybody a random snake slithering around. Just thought I'd mention it.

Back at the fence, WHAT'S THIS!? Guy-on-guy action!?

Oh no wait, it's not the kind I want. Alan is giving Tim mouth-to-mouth. Oh well.

Lex walks around crying as Grant pushes repeatedly on Tim's chest. Timmy still isn't breathing!

"Tim!" Alan bellows, diving back down to blow more air into Tim's lungs. He pushes on his chest some more. Nothing. "No, Tim!" He pinches Tim's nose again, presses his mouth to Tim's again, we're all losing hope and oh God Tim's gonna die OH MY GOD TIM IS ALIVE! He coughs right into Alan's mouth, which I think is really gross, but whatever. Tim gasps for air and coughs and Alan pulls him up, saying, "Good boy! Good boy!" Lex is crying again, but now she's happy! Yay!

"...three," Tim finishes counting, just a little bit late. Alan laughs. It's all very cute.

They've made it to HQ! Yay! But nobody's there. Well that sucks. Alan carries Tim with Lex trailing behind and leads them into the restaurant. Alan says he's going to have to find the others and get Tim to a doctor. He sets Tim down on the table, who just looks tired as hell and so adorably sick of this shit.

Alan tells Lex to look after Tim, and pats Tim's hair, grinning that it's all sticking up. He says, "Big Tim, the human piece of toast." Tim almost smiles. This kid is gonna have so much stuff to brag about at school. "Yeah over the summer I was nearly eaten by a T. rex, two velociraptors, and was electrocuted. What about you? Oh you went to the beach and got stung by a jellyfish? That's exciting."

Alan leaves and promises to be back soon. Tim limps over to the huge dessert table and helps himself. Fuck, now I'm hungry.

We're back with Ellie, who's hunched over and limping through a field, nearing the edge of the woods. We hear Alan's voice calling, "Ellie!" and Ellie straightens up, gasping in relief when she sees Alan looking around for her.

Alan hears her famous Panting and turns around, looking pleased to see her. Ellie looks like she's about to smile and do her crying thing, but then she decides to grind out a terrified "Run!" (gasping, of course, as she says it). Aww, but Alan wanted to have a running-through-a-field-to-meet-in-a-romantic-kiss-and-hug moment.

He gets part of it, though, so I guess that counts? He calls her name out happily, but Ellie's not having any of that. She runs/limps over to him, gasping (natch), and she flings her arms around him, sobbing. Yay for reunions! Boo for lacking the romance they supposedly have!

The movie decides that since there ain't gonna be no kissing or anything with those two, we go back to Lex and Tim. There won't be any kissing or anything with them, either, but they're more interesting than Ellie and Alan together are. No offense, Alan. I still want to have sex with you.

The siblings are eating all sorts of delicious, unhealthy looking crap that I will never, ever, ever be able to eat in my life because I don't have a rich grandfather who risks my life with his stupid dinosaurs. There's Jell-O and ice cream and cake and bunnies and rainbows and a fucking unicorn with a leprechaun riding on its back and GODDAMN I WANT SOME OF THAT FOOD.

Tim and Lex grin at each other and giggle, because hey, what's nearly getting eaten by dinosaurs and getting electrocuted to them? They get free dessert as three-course meal! Fuck therapists, this food is MAGICAL.

Tim takes a bite of something yummy-lookin' but unidentifiable from a spoon that's bigger than his fucking head, electrified hair and all, and then freezes, staring at Lex, who has suddenly adorned the best OH SHIT expression on the face of the Earth, and her hand with a spoonful of Jell-O starts having a seizure. Goodness, Lex, whatever could be the matter? Surely not a dinosaur, right?

OH MY GOD THERE'S A DINOSAUR SOMEWHERE BEHIND TIM! I did NOT see that coming! It's a velociraptor, lurking behind some really thin...sheet?...wall?...thing that's decorated prettily with dinosaurs behind Tim. It's a scary shadow for now, but you can hear it breathing (like Ellie!) and walking and stuff, so you know shit is about to hit the fan in like .2 seconds.

Tim, looking confused as to why his sister is freaking, turns around and sees the dinosaur behind the thing. He whips back around, sucking in a terrified gasp.

Cut to the kitchens, where the children have run to hide. They slam the door shut and turn off all the lights before running across the room and hiding behind one of the table/counter/work station things.

We get a shot of the door to the kitchen, focusing on the one little round window in there. The velociraptor pokes its nose up to it, fogging up the glass ominously. Yikes!

Tim peeks around the table/counter/work station thing to see the velociraptor peeking right back at him through that window! Tim makes a hilarious sort of screaming gasp that has me rolling on the floor pissing myself. Sorry, Tim, I know you're scared, but that was the stupidest sound I've ever heard.

He ducks back behind the thing with Lex, both of them sitting ramrod straight and wearing matching "CRAP" faces.

Steven Spielberg agrees with me when I say I think it's about time Alan gets a proper badass moment, so we cut to him cocking a gun menacingly and saying, "It's just the two raptors, right?"

Thank you, Steven. GOD, ALAN. Just...MMPH.

Alan gets a confirmation from Ellie that the third raptor is contained. Well, at least, unless they figure out how to open doors, she says. Ha, right. Like super-intelligent velociraptors could figure out how to--

OH MY GOD THE KITCHEN DOOR JUST FLEW OPEN WTF? Jesus H. Christ on ice skates, Ellie, could you knock on wood next time? You just doomed two little kids, you stupid bitch.

While the velociraptor lurks in the doorway, Lex hisses, "Timmy, what is it?" Tim tells her it's a velociraptor. Lex knows that's not a nice dinosaur, because she whispers in horror, "It's inside." We know, hon, we just saw it happen.

The velociraptor gets bored with just standing there doing nothing, but doesn't feel like really doing anything strenuous just yet, so she stands up straight and starts, uh, barking. Yeah, I do that too when I get bored but not bored enough to actually do anything. I feel ya, girl. The finale to her barking is a nice RAAAAEEEEH! roaring sound, which I guess is her friend's cue to make his debut in the movie. Hey dude.

Since there's two of them, and we've learned that some of the dinosaurs are growing schlongs, I'm going to assume that these two are a boy and a girl and they're hitched. The girl is Holly and the boy is Ichabod. 'Kay? 'Kay.

Holly nips at Ichabod's neck (PDA, guys, don't do it) and it looks like it pisses him off, but either that wasn't actually a mean nip and his pissed off reaction is actually "HAWT DAYUM RIGHT HERE IN THE KITCHEN?" in velociraptor speak, or Holly's nip was a mean one but not really that severe and Ichabod's just a pussy. Whatever, I'm not going to contemplate their dysfunctional relationship.

Lex peeks over and sees that there's two of them, and she ducks back, whispering, "Follow me," to Tim.

Lex and Tim crawl over to another table/counter/work station thing and start making their way along the aisle between two of them. I guess they're trying to see if they can get around Holly and Ichabod.

Holly is is pretty close, but she can't see Lex and Tim. She makes a sound, which makes Lex and Tim stop crawling and press themselves up against the thing real fast. We get a shot of Holly's feet; she's right on the other side of the table/counter/work station thing, and she's peering over it into the aisle that Lex and Tim are in. I guess she can't hear them doing the Ellie Gasp like there's no tomorrow, and they're pressed so tightly against the thing that she can't see them from her position. She and Ichabod make some pissed off sounds, 'cause they're hungry and they can't freakin' find their food, so Holly goes off to search some more. Lex and Tim lucked out!

Lex and Tim start crawling some more. They're past Holly, but not safe or anything, plus we don't know where Ichabod is. Then Holly turns around, her tail knocking a bunch of stuff off the table/counter/work station thing and all over Lex and Tim. Lex and Tim crap their pants and and scramble around into the next aisle. Tim gets around just as Holly bashes her nose through the stuff on the little bottom shelves that go through the work station things. Tim, in his scrambling, disturbs a bunch of ladles hanging there on the station, and he reaches up to stop them from jangling, while Holly peers around suspiciously.

She sniffs around, like, "I swear I thought they were here...DAMMIT ICHABOD YOU LIED TO ME (slap)" and pulls her head back out through the shelf thing. One of the ladles Tim ran into (one that wasn't even wiggling around) figures now is a good time to leap noisily from its rack and screw the kids over! Yay for traitorous kitchen utensils!

Holly and Ichabod's heads snap around in the direction that the Ladle of Douchebaggery's noisiness came from. AH-HA! They've got you now, you tasty children!

Lex starts crawling again, just as Holly jumps up on top of the work station two aisles over, looking around, and Ichabod stalks through the aisle next to Lex's.

Lex is at the end of the aisle and darts around the corner of it, about to go back to where they were originally hiding, but Tim panics and freezes up against the work station thing. Lex poked her head around to see what the holdup is, and motions frantically for Tim to fucking FOLLOW HERRR. Tim shakes his head like NUH-UH GIRLFRIEND YOU CRAZY?

Ichabod pokes his head around the corner that has the ladles. He's like three feet away from Tim, who's just around the other corner. Ichabod sniffs the Ladle of Douchebaggery and nudges it away, and he actually manages to look sort of cute when he does it? I dunno, Ichabod's just that kind of dinosaur who can look adorable when sniffing and nudging Ladles of Douchebaggery.

We hear a clacking sound, and so does Ichabod, because his head whips around to see where it's coming from. His head is like right over Tim and he doesn't even know he's there.

The clacking is another noisy Ladle of Douchebaggery, but this one is a Ladle of Douchebaggery That Saves Lives! Lex is tapping it on the ground, distracting Ichabod and keeping him from discovering her brother. Go brave Lex!

Ichabod and Holly catch a glimpse of Lex as she drops the Ladle of Douchebaggery That Saves Lives and darts away. Ichabod stalks after her, Holly jumping off the work station to follow him.

Lex folds herself into a sort of storage thing, which is an unsually good hiding spot. It's like whoever designed the kitchen said to himself, "You know, in case some kids end up trapped in this kitchen with two hungry velociraptors, I think I'll make this pointless thing here big enough and small enough to fit a twelve-year-old girl." Srsly, I honestly can't figure out what that thing is that Lex sat herself in. It looks like its sole purpose is for kids to hide from dinosaurs inside it. Nifty kitchen you got there, John Hammond.

Ichabod, apparently, can see Lex struggling to close the door to her specially designed hiding spot, and he starts running at her. Lex can see him, too, and she starts screaming. Oh God, Lex is gonna get eaten!!!

OH NO WAIT ICHABOD JUST GOT PWN'D SO HARD OMG LOL. Turns out, what Ichabod was seeing was Lex's reflection in the metal work station across from her hiding spot. And he just ran face-first into that shit. Omg, priceless. What was that Muldoon said about raptors? They're geniuses?

Ichabod, you are embarrassingly retarded. For lack of a politer, more politically correct term.

Ichabod flails on the ground for a minute in pain, recovering from his epic fail. Lex crawls out of her hiding spot and crawls away, passing the aisle that Tim is still cowering in.

Tim looks around for a moment, then decides to risk getting up and just RUNNING LIKE HELL. He catches Holly's attention, which was previously on Ichabod's stupidity, and she starts going after him.

Tim limps desperately for the freezer, screaming, and when he gets inside, he immediately slips on the icy floor. We're shrieking, "NOOO TIMMM!" but then we're not because Holly slips too, banging her head on the wall and we all laugh at her expense. You and Ichabod make a great couple, Holly.

Tim hauls himself up off the floor and dashes out of the freezer as quickly as a kid can when he's limping and the floor is icy. He's screaming again, and Holly is pissed off, and he slams the door, catching her face between the door and the wall. Tim is trying to trap her in there and she's trying to get out and EAT HIMMM.

Lex comes running, looking FUNNY AS ALL HELL OMG. She's screaming and her hands are actually stretched out in front of her while she runs! No seriously! It's THE funniest lookin' thing I have EVER seen, omg. If you have a DVD of "Jurassic Park" lying around, pop it in. You've got to see this. It should be at like 1 hour 51 minutes 52 seconds. Oh God, HILARIOUS.

Anyway, Lex manages to lock Holly in the freezer while Tim leans heavily against a shelf, panting...like Ellie. Lex comes up behind him and grabs him (which makes Tim piss himself all over again) and drags him out of the kitchen while Ichabod finally stands up, recovering from his fail. He is very pissed at Lex for embarrassing him in front of his girlfriend and then locking her in a freezer.

Lex and Tim sprint through the restaurant, greeted by Ellie and an armed-with-sexy-and-a-gun Alan. Tim flies into Ellie's arms while Lex clings to Alan's probably-drool-worthy bicep, pointing at the kitchens. She says, "It's in there."

They go to the control room and Lex asks if they can call for help. Ellie says they have to reboot the system first. Oh yeah, I forgot they hadn't done that part yet. Ellie staggers over to a computer and turns it on while Alan shuts the door, searching for the lock. But oh shit, the door locks are controlled by the system, which isn't on!

Alan bellows for Ellie to boot up the door locks, looking through the window on the door to OH SHIT COME FACE TO FACE WITH ICHABOD!!! Ichabod and Alan look down at the door handle at the same time, and Ichabod starts turning it. STOP IT, ICHABOD, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO BE SMART AND EFFICIENT ANYMORE, OKAY? After that dumbass move in the kitchen, I don't want to take you seriously anymore. So quit forcing more awesomeness on me when I already established you as a stupid-ass dinosaur.

Ichabod shoves the door open, but Alan slams it back shut, leaning into it and trying his hardest to keep Ichabod from getting in. Ellie sees what's happening and lurches over to help him. Alan shouts, "No, boot up the door locks! Ellie, get back! Boot up the door locks!" but Ellie throws herself against the door, screaming, "You can't hold it by yourself!"

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO!?

Lex stares at them, Tim jumps up and town tugging at his hair in terror, and Lex slowly turns to look at the computer. She goes to sit at the chair in front of the computer. OH YEAH SHE'S A HACKER! SAVE THE DAY, LEX, OMG!

Lex stares at the screen as Tim stumbles over to her. She breathes in amazement, "It's a UNIX system. I know this." You're twelve! How do you know this!?

Lex looks at whatever the hell all that shit on the screen is, saying that it's all the files of the whole park. "It tells you everything," she says. She has to find the right file.

Alan and Ellie are still preoccupied with Ichabod being a dick with the door. NO, Ichabod, they don't want to learn about your savior Jesus Christ! Damn Jehovah's Witnesses!

Alan tells Ellie to try to reach the gun, which lays discarded on the floor several feet away. Ellie tries to reach.

Lex is searching on the computer.

Ellie is panting predictably, hooking the tip of her boot underneath the strap of the gun...but she can't get a grip on it unless she moves!

Lex searches frantically.

Ichabod is winning this push-of-war. His claws hook around the edge of the door and he slowly pushes it open. Ichabod screeches furiously as Alan continues to struggle.

Lex thinks she's found the right file! Oh wait no she didn't.

Alan shuts Ichabod out briefly, but then Ichabod's claws come back around the door edges.

LEX'S GOT IT!

ALAN SHUTS OUT ICHABOD! THE LOCK CLICKS SHUT!

THANK YOU LEX! See, guys, this is why you should always be nice to the nerds in school. 'Cause if you're not, one day they might not want to save your stupid ass.

Alan demands to know what works. Lex says phones, security systems, everything. Everyone is happy. Alan grabs the phone.

Back with John and Ian, the phone rings. They look around in surprise, and John goes to answer it.

John: Grant?
Alan: Mr. Hammond...the phones are working.

Aw.

John asks if the kids are okay, and Alan says they're fine. He says, "Call the mainland. Tell 'em to send the damn helicopters." Marry me, Alan. Have my babies.

Suddenly, there's a sound of smashing glass, and everyone gasps. They whirl around and Ellie screams, "He's gonna cut through the glass!" Alan drops the phone, and from John's end of the line, we hear gunshots. Close up to John's horrorstruck face as he screams, "GRANT!!!"

OH GOD WHAT'S HAPPENING!

Cut to the control room, where Alan has cast aside his gun. They magically produce a ladder out of nowhere and are climbing into the vent system in the ceiling just as Ichabod bursts through the window. Alan knocks the ladder down, and Ichabod looks up at him like, "Srsly?"

Alan, Ellie, Lex, and Tim are crawling through the vents, but Ichabod can see their movement from below. He jumps up underneath Lex, his head lifting the ceiling tile she's on, pushing her up. She screams bloody murder as Ichabod clings to the ceiling, but Alan kicks him in the face and he goes tumbling. Dude, Ichabod is like Delilah, he just can't get anything done correctly.

But as Ichabod goes tumbling, so does Lex! She manages to catch herself on the edge of the hole in the ceiling, and the others start pulling her back up as Ichabod picks himself up off the floor. Alan has to grab Lex's ass to pull her in just as Ichabod snaps at her feet. This guy is getting away with so much stuff when it comes to these kids. Kissing Tim, groping Lex... Lord have mercy on your soul, Alan.

Alan tells everyone to pick up the pace, and they scramble on. They find an opening into the main part of the visitors center, right over the T. rex skeleton.

They jump down onto the little metal platform thingies, and suddenly, a velociraptor is there! Oh crap!

They jump off the platforms and onto the T. rex skeleton, and the raptor is like, "I can do that too!" and jumps right on, and the skeleton starts falling apart. Alan tells Tim to let go so he can drop to the floor, so he does. There's an unpleasant groaning sound, and the things in the ceiling supporting the skeleton start to come loose. Lex's part of the skeleton drops like twelve feet but doesn't hit the ground. Ellie's dumps her on her ass and then rains dust and stuff all over her head. The giant ribcage that Tim was on and Alan still is on comes loose, and Alan is bucked off. He hits the ground hard, and the pointy ribcage comes down on Tim!

He just narrowly escaped being impaled!

Ellie stands up in time to see another raptor appear.

Alan picks up Tim, and Lex screams. ANOTHER RAPTOR, GODDAMN. And here comes Ichabod. Jesus Christ. These guys are screwed. One of the raptors is advancing, when...

HOLY SHIT DELILAH EATS HIM! Way to go, Delilah, you're so fucking awesome!

Alan, Ellie, Lex, and Tim all look up at Delilah in surprise as she chomps down on some yummy raptor ass. It tastes even better than Ian would have!

The other raptors are kind of pissed that Delilah just crashed their party and started eating their homeboy, but does it look like Delilah gives a shit? NOOO. She kicks those wimpy raptor's asses while Alan, Lex, Tim, and Ellie HAUL ASS OUTTA THEREEE.

They run outside just as John and Ian pull up in a Jeep. Everybody piles in, and we get this nice little bit:

Alan: Mr. Hammond, after careful consideration, I've decided not to endorse your park.
John: So have I.

FINALLY. FINALLY YOU'RE NOT SO FUCKING STUPIDDDDD.

Cut to Delilah pwning the shit out of everybody in the visitors center, and she decides to say goodbye in the one way that makes we want to curl up and die. Any guesses how her farewell went? IF YOU GUESS ROARING FREAKISHLY THEN YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

So, uh...then everybody leaves. The end.