a/n: this is just a little something I had unfinished and decided to finish it. Nothing special, just something I envisioned to have happened between Brittana before the pilot aired and all of Santana unsaid feelings towards Brittany.

disclaimer: I do not own Glee or it's characters.

I never knew there was a difference between someone feeling sad and someone being sad. I guess I'm one of those people that say they pay attention when they really don't. I think I started noticing my imperfections when I realised how perfect she was. People that don't know her personally witness the awkward, inattentive Brittany. She may possess qualities that not every person can eventually grow used to, but I managed too. I managed to grow used to everything she was as a person and find the love inside her she hid away for so long.

It was never a chore for me or charity work. We became friends in freshman year because everything she felt, I felt. I'm sure she had the same impact on everyone she met in life; they just never admitted it to her. When I first did, she ran away. She wasn't used to the verbal communication with someone as pretty as me; her words not mine.

Walking beside her without touching felt like there was something missing in our friendship. She changed everything when her pinky linked with mine as we walked into the auditorium with Sue and Quinn. I didn't even feel it at first, that's how natural it was. I kind of just had this internal spark and when I turned to Brittany she was smiling really small. I knew I wanted to make that smile grow, so I tugged tight onto her pinky as a promise.

We were in her room one day reading magazines; as normal teenagers do. There was, however, some strange tension in the air as she shuffled closer to me. I pretended not to notice at first. Brittany always sat close to me or stood beside me so our arms grazed each other's. I knew what she was thinking but I just once again pretended not too.

I had gone so long hiding my feelings from her, from everyone, that I didn't expect her trying to get closer to me than usual.

I wanted to kiss her so bad.

I wanted to tell her that I wanted to kiss her and be with her but I couldn't. I thought maybe if she made the first move then I could muster up some courage inside my hard exterior to tell her that I've loved her since we met in cheerios practice.

She asked me what I was thinking in that moment and I remember releasing a nervous laugh to ease the tension and maybe divert her attention from the answer she wanted to hear.

It didn't work. I ended up telling her that Zac Efron was my latest celebrity crush and I remember seeing her smile fade. She told me he was okay looking but she found someone even more attractive. I made the mistake of asking who that person was.

"You."

I then made the mistake of looking into her eyes. Because for the first time she was sending me back that want I had always given her when we would joke around at school. We were in a private place then, and I knew anything could happen resulting from the looks we were giving each other.

She nudged her nose with mine and kissed me softly. I remember thinking; just pull back, tell her you think this is gross and unnatural.

I kissed her back instead, I felt that I had too.

I put everything into that kiss because she was so enchanting and pure that I thought I would go to hell if I didn't kiss someone like her back. She pressed harder into the kiss, effectively making me turn over on to my back. She crawled on top of me, placed both her hands on the side of my face and moaned. She apologized for that and I said it was fine. Because it was indeed fine. More than fine. I would give anything to hear that sound every second of every day.

Her lips parted and I flicked my tongue against her upper lip. She pulled back and was breathing heavily. I thought maybe I had gone too far. But then Brittany parted my lips with her tongue and this time I moaned. Her tongue swept along mine and challenged me. I let my hands fall to her hips, delicately tracing my fingers along her sides. I managed to unzip her cheerios top and throw it on the floor in less than ten seconds.

Brittany was very confident showing off her body. But when it came to her taking my clothes off, I recoiled to the other side of the bed and told her to stop. She looked as though I told her Santa wasn't real and unicorns didn't ride over rainbows. She made the heaviness on my heart push down so hard that I couldn't breathe.

Her eyes watered and she pulled her shirt back over her head and left. I thought if she knew what she made me feel then she would stay.

I remember standing up and following her downstairs, stopping her at the doorway with a firm grip on her arm. When she looked at me, I saw a different kind of pained expression than the one she showed after people at school would call her names. I had to raise my hand and wipe some tears away because my heart was breaking at the sight of her crying. I couldn't witness someone so beautiful show me that kind of pain.

I apologized to Brittany, telling her that maybe we shouldn't have done that and we could be friends. She asked if I was sure and I said I was.

However, a few weeks after that she had me on my back with her tongue down my throat. I didn't tell her I gave in to her once again because I loved her. No. After every sweet lady kiss and scissor session we had, I would tell her; sex is not dating.