A Wacky Matrix "What-if"/"Just In Case This Happened" Kind of Fic.
Co-written with my bro, Fitz, which I think is a rather "fitting" name for him to go by (yes, that was another bad pun from the Queen of Bad Puns). Beware of really crazy stuff. We're not normal at the moment.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wot plugged in.
Immediately he ran outside into the fresh air of the Matrix, twisting around he realised that his jacket had split at the back even further than he'd thought.
"Damn . . ." Wot thought to himself, "looks like I'll have to pay another visit to . . . *drum roll* the TAILOR!" (da dum dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum).
Wot was about to do a SPECTACULAR STUNT (his "Superman thang") but remembered just in time, that any SPECTACULAR STUNTS like that would surely split his precious even further . . . no, he must be contented to walk there.
And so he set out . . . carefully ignoring the guy in the red drag.
*****Split to the Neverasneeza*****
"Whatchoo doin' know, Wot?" whispered Voltz to himself, the newly recruited navigator of the Neverasneeza.
Yodeus strode in.
"Our young one , is doing what, wonder I," he said over Voltz's shoulder.
"Gyah!" jumped Voltz, "Don't creep up on me like that, you mini freak! And what happened to Morph?"
"Indisposed, He is." Yodeus slowly tapped the tips of his fingers together in what Voltz gathered as a very patronising manner.
"Whatdayameen? You killed him!"
"Having the day off, he is." Voltz narrowed his eye.
"And where is Salinity, may I ask?"
"Having fun, she is," Yodeus tapped his nose, "be disturbed, she must not."
"Fun? She's having fun? Those Senile, nile, le . . . Seni . . . whatchamacallits that are gonna kill us all in ten minutes! And them with all those weird tentacles and arms and things and waving underpants . . . !"
"Underpants?"
" . . . are chasing us all over . . . over . . . this place! And . . . and . . . and . . . there gonna kill us! There gonna frickkin kill us ALL! And then torture us by," Voltz voice dropped to a conspiratory whisper, " wrapping us all in UNDERPANTS!!!!!!!!!!"
Voltz began running around in circles.
-Let it be noticed that the ship, miraculously, by millions of chances to two, did not hit a single thing during this little charade without its driver at the helm.-
Yodeus stuck out his arm.
Voltz suddenly began to lie on the floor and writher in pain, clutching his . . . well, by Yodeus' height, I'm sure you know, and by your anatomy classes, where old Yodeus struck. Hard.
Yodeus looked sadly down upon the diminished form of Voltz.
"I thought you were the Navigator?"
Voltz lifted up his weak head, "My sister's stepfather's uncle's second cousin's, flatmate got me into this job . . . I wanted to make my sister's stepfather's uncle's second cousin's flatmate proud."
Yodeus shook his head once more and kicked Voltz unconscious in one smooth motion.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Oh!"
"Yes!"
"Yes!"
"Ahh!"
"Score!"
"Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!"
Salinity flicked her short hair back from her face while one strand of it trailed down to her luscious lips, stepping back from her dominated other, she sighed with great satisfaction.
"Alright, man! 1001-Nil! Anyone up to challenge the champ??"
She turned around to the geeky teenagers standing at the pool table, "You wanna play me? I'll put down 50 bucks if you beat me."
The teenagers quickly shuffled out of the room.
Yodeus entered, giving the terrified teenagers a slightly sympathetic glance before standing as imposingly as he could, blocking the doorway.
"Too hasty, you are. Interesting offer, I have." He pulled one of the traumatised nerd to a corner and whispered quickly in the boy's ear, "If you want to live, with me you must come . . ."
The boy nodded emphatically to Yodeus' offer and hurried to join his friend in their escape from the short green dude who had just grabbed him by the balls.
"What was that about, Yodeus?" asked Salinity.
"Needed new Navigator, we did, best choice, he was." Replied Yodeus.
"What? But what happened to Rat?"
"Replaced by Voltz after he got cornered with a pair of underpants."
"What is all this about underpants these days? I mean, we have weirdo's who . . . "
" Run around in circles yelling 'THEY'RE GONNA KILL US ALL!' ?" finished Yodeus.
"How did you . . .?"
"Yodeus, I am, the prophecy, I know."
Suddenly a muffled yell came echoing from the depths of the Neverasneeza.
"Another prochecy? Are you mad??? The last one nearly killed us all!!!! With underpants!!!! Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!" a rapid sound of pattering feet followed with a very loud CLUNK.
Salinity looked to Yodeus who shrugged.
"I haven't actually been able to drug him effectively lately, poor guy."
"Rat?"
"No, the other one."
"Thank?"
"No, the one before that."
"Oh, you mean the one with the shiny top and the weirdo glasses that didn't fall off his nose even though they only sit on his nose, balancing precariously? That guy . . ."
"Yeah, him."
A loud banging came from below.
"Yes! I am the guy! A guy! Any guy! Yes! And the prophecy is fulfilled through my guyness! Through that other guy! Who's a guy too! Yet we are all different with a different part to play! But I am not different! No! UNDERPANTS! Yes! I am a guy! With underpants! Murderous underpants . . . But he is the Guy! Or is it the other way round??" the continuous banging resumed continued with a disconcerting low whistle and a bloopBANG F# Bb G.
Yodeus looked to Salinity, "He has started to bang his head on the walls repetitively if he can't get and idea through it . . . it hasn't worked so far, thankfully. Ah well, he won't be doing that again . . . I think I just found out where my safe spot for my grand piano is."
"What happened to your speech impediment?"
"What speech impediment?"
"You know . . . think I do, I will."
"What? Oh that, it got tiring, plus, Aman'mai and Fitz can't be bothered to type that way all the time, and it makes me sound stupid so I lodged a formal complaint."
"Good, how the union can fix that up for us like that."
"Yes . . . now where has the plot gone to, I wonder?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N: Will we ever get to the main plot line? Is Wot ok? What the hell is wrong with all these characters? And what kind of name is Salinity? Will Yodeus get his speech impediment back yet? And where the hell is Agent Swiss? Tune in next time for another wacky go at the wacky Matrix story!!!!!
Co-written with my bro, Fitz, which I think is a rather "fitting" name for him to go by (yes, that was another bad pun from the Queen of Bad Puns). Beware of really crazy stuff. We're not normal at the moment.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wot plugged in.
Immediately he ran outside into the fresh air of the Matrix, twisting around he realised that his jacket had split at the back even further than he'd thought.
"Damn . . ." Wot thought to himself, "looks like I'll have to pay another visit to . . . *drum roll* the TAILOR!" (da dum dum duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum).
Wot was about to do a SPECTACULAR STUNT (his "Superman thang") but remembered just in time, that any SPECTACULAR STUNTS like that would surely split his precious even further . . . no, he must be contented to walk there.
And so he set out . . . carefully ignoring the guy in the red drag.
*****Split to the Neverasneeza*****
"Whatchoo doin' know, Wot?" whispered Voltz to himself, the newly recruited navigator of the Neverasneeza.
Yodeus strode in.
"Our young one , is doing what, wonder I," he said over Voltz's shoulder.
"Gyah!" jumped Voltz, "Don't creep up on me like that, you mini freak! And what happened to Morph?"
"Indisposed, He is." Yodeus slowly tapped the tips of his fingers together in what Voltz gathered as a very patronising manner.
"Whatdayameen? You killed him!"
"Having the day off, he is." Voltz narrowed his eye.
"And where is Salinity, may I ask?"
"Having fun, she is," Yodeus tapped his nose, "be disturbed, she must not."
"Fun? She's having fun? Those Senile, nile, le . . . Seni . . . whatchamacallits that are gonna kill us all in ten minutes! And them with all those weird tentacles and arms and things and waving underpants . . . !"
"Underpants?"
" . . . are chasing us all over . . . over . . . this place! And . . . and . . . and . . . there gonna kill us! There gonna frickkin kill us ALL! And then torture us by," Voltz voice dropped to a conspiratory whisper, " wrapping us all in UNDERPANTS!!!!!!!!!!"
Voltz began running around in circles.
-Let it be noticed that the ship, miraculously, by millions of chances to two, did not hit a single thing during this little charade without its driver at the helm.-
Yodeus stuck out his arm.
Voltz suddenly began to lie on the floor and writher in pain, clutching his . . . well, by Yodeus' height, I'm sure you know, and by your anatomy classes, where old Yodeus struck. Hard.
Yodeus looked sadly down upon the diminished form of Voltz.
"I thought you were the Navigator?"
Voltz lifted up his weak head, "My sister's stepfather's uncle's second cousin's, flatmate got me into this job . . . I wanted to make my sister's stepfather's uncle's second cousin's flatmate proud."
Yodeus shook his head once more and kicked Voltz unconscious in one smooth motion.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Oh!"
"Yes!"
"Yes!"
"Ahh!"
"Score!"
"Uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh!"
Salinity flicked her short hair back from her face while one strand of it trailed down to her luscious lips, stepping back from her dominated other, she sighed with great satisfaction.
"Alright, man! 1001-Nil! Anyone up to challenge the champ??"
She turned around to the geeky teenagers standing at the pool table, "You wanna play me? I'll put down 50 bucks if you beat me."
The teenagers quickly shuffled out of the room.
Yodeus entered, giving the terrified teenagers a slightly sympathetic glance before standing as imposingly as he could, blocking the doorway.
"Too hasty, you are. Interesting offer, I have." He pulled one of the traumatised nerd to a corner and whispered quickly in the boy's ear, "If you want to live, with me you must come . . ."
The boy nodded emphatically to Yodeus' offer and hurried to join his friend in their escape from the short green dude who had just grabbed him by the balls.
"What was that about, Yodeus?" asked Salinity.
"Needed new Navigator, we did, best choice, he was." Replied Yodeus.
"What? But what happened to Rat?"
"Replaced by Voltz after he got cornered with a pair of underpants."
"What is all this about underpants these days? I mean, we have weirdo's who . . . "
" Run around in circles yelling 'THEY'RE GONNA KILL US ALL!' ?" finished Yodeus.
"How did you . . .?"
"Yodeus, I am, the prophecy, I know."
Suddenly a muffled yell came echoing from the depths of the Neverasneeza.
"Another prochecy? Are you mad??? The last one nearly killed us all!!!! With underpants!!!! Arrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhh!" a rapid sound of pattering feet followed with a very loud CLUNK.
Salinity looked to Yodeus who shrugged.
"I haven't actually been able to drug him effectively lately, poor guy."
"Rat?"
"No, the other one."
"Thank?"
"No, the one before that."
"Oh, you mean the one with the shiny top and the weirdo glasses that didn't fall off his nose even though they only sit on his nose, balancing precariously? That guy . . ."
"Yeah, him."
A loud banging came from below.
"Yes! I am the guy! A guy! Any guy! Yes! And the prophecy is fulfilled through my guyness! Through that other guy! Who's a guy too! Yet we are all different with a different part to play! But I am not different! No! UNDERPANTS! Yes! I am a guy! With underpants! Murderous underpants . . . But he is the Guy! Or is it the other way round??" the continuous banging resumed continued with a disconcerting low whistle and a bloopBANG F# Bb G.
Yodeus looked to Salinity, "He has started to bang his head on the walls repetitively if he can't get and idea through it . . . it hasn't worked so far, thankfully. Ah well, he won't be doing that again . . . I think I just found out where my safe spot for my grand piano is."
"What happened to your speech impediment?"
"What speech impediment?"
"You know . . . think I do, I will."
"What? Oh that, it got tiring, plus, Aman'mai and Fitz can't be bothered to type that way all the time, and it makes me sound stupid so I lodged a formal complaint."
"Good, how the union can fix that up for us like that."
"Yes . . . now where has the plot gone to, I wonder?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A/N: Will we ever get to the main plot line? Is Wot ok? What the hell is wrong with all these characters? And what kind of name is Salinity? Will Yodeus get his speech impediment back yet? And where the hell is Agent Swiss? Tune in next time for another wacky go at the wacky Matrix story!!!!!