Making friends

Staring at her apartment floor Ziva felt the tears start to fill her eyes. She knew that working in America would prove a lot less complicated than being a part of Mossad, but her homesickness prevailed. Despite the knowledge that her father was never really there for her, and her "friends" had no trouble letting go once she left. All Ziva wanted was to go home. Not that she could do that, if she did resign from her NCIS position she knew that her family, her friends and her colleagues would all but disown her for this weakness that she was showing.

Not that she has a family, after her mother and sisters deaths it had been only Ziva, Ari and their father. Then it turned out that Ari was not very sane. She could remember back when he was sweet and pure and innocent, he had so much potential when it came to his studies, would have been an amazing doctor. But her father couldn't have him not follow in the business of Mossad. With his first kill Ari lost his innocence, and every one after that just robbed him of his sanity.

Then he had lost his life. Some theorized that he had been sent on a suicide mission. With his killer being either Gibbs or Ziva. It was inevitable she reasoned with herself, he had killed an agent. Special Agent Caitlin Todd. Ziva couldn't stop thinking of how things could have worked out. Maybe if she had spoken to him before he started stalking Gibbs team. She had been the one to get him their files, she had helped him "warn" the agents of a terrorist cell. That warning had cost Kate her life.

Ziva took a swig of beer. It wasn't usual of her to get this... emotional, but recently...she couldn't stop feeling like everything was just bad.

The guilt wouldn't leave. Even though she had killed Ari and facilitated Gibbs trust. She had still shot her brother. Inwardly she had to laugh at how her father used to complain at Americas lack of family standards. Ziva had killed her own brother, a man who had tortured Gibbs and his team. He had tormented them for months, and she had believed the lies. She had believed that he was helping them with cases, that it was all in the line of duty, that he was simply doing his job. All of his jobs... he was working for so many different sides as moles and as family.

Sighing Ziva stood up and crossed her room to look out the window.

America was beautiful, but it was also noisy. She could even see how noisy people were just by watching. A man on the sidewalk yelling at a man on a bicycle, a man trying to sell food as he walked down the street with a cart; this was their lives, but she was not a part of it.

Moving to the kitchen she thought of NCIS. No-one there liked her much, except Gibbs ad Jenny. She could see how everyday Tony looked at her with a mixture of two looks. The first being that he thought she may as well have pulled the trigger that killed Kate, she was Ari's sister after all... The second look was that he was picturing her naked. Something the movie buff did a lot. Mcgee seemed to regard her with fear. There was some respect in there, but mostly he viewed her with fear. The time she slapped her laptop silly or was left to "interview" a suspect with the door closed probably didn't help. As for Abby, the usually friendly and sociable goth. Abby positively hated Ziva, and she had no idea why...

Gibbs was a man of action, he would be loyal, but was probably not true friend material. And Jenny was so busy being "Director" she forgot to be herself.

Ziva felt alone, more alone than in years. She'd never had many friends in Israel but at least she knew the place and her apartment very well. Every day she saw the people who reminded her of Ari, of the act she had done. For her safety, they were not permitted to know who exactly shot her brother. Everyone thought that Gibbs had put the bullet in her brother's head. Sometimes she wishes he had. Or that Ari had never been allowed to get to Kate in the first place. If he was so emotionally unfit for a simple mission... why was he an agent? Why was he a triple agent?

Sometimes the frustration would get too much. She would want to scream and hit things. Instead she would go for a run. Her flat often felt like a prison, there was no harm in leaving for a while.

With that she put on her shoes. It was time to go and talk to Abby. Abby was loved by everyone and had the most hostile reaction towards her. If she could make Abby her friend... maybe she could get her foot into the "door" of the group. Sighing at the silly American Idioms she sprayed some breath freshener and washed her face. No need for Abby to think she was drunk.

Ziva was tired of feeling bad. She was going to go and make a friend, earn herself a seat at the proverbial dinner table of the Gibbs team family.