Twelve chimes of the clock marked the opening of a new day. However, the lone occupant of the Grimmauld kitchen was unaware of it. He simply held his head in his hands, seemingly entranced by the table against which his elbows rested.
Several minutes later the familiar thump of heavy boots, somewhat muffled by the thick carpets, intruded on the silent darkness. Then, as the door opened, a circle of bluish wand light dispersed some of the night that settled like fog on the room, matching the man's mood.
"Wotcher, Remus!" He lifted his head at Nymphadora Tonks' cheerful greeting, but he did not give her his usual warm smile. "Are you all right?"
He shook his head as if ridding himself of a cloud, or unpleasant thoughts. "I'm fine, Tonks. Did you just get off a guard shift?"
She nodded wearily. "Yeah, I figured I would kip here 'cause I have to be at work at seven thirty." Remus didn't respond when he usually made some sympathetic quip about her bosses as slave drivers. She tried to change subject. "Where's Sirius? He isn't usually in bed by now." She lit a few candles before sliding onto the bench across from him.
He stiffened almost imperceptibly, but Tonks noticed the change in his demeanor. "I'm afraid Sirius was a bit…out of sorts tonight." He didn't elaborate.
"He was drinking again, wasn't he?" She did not need his nod to confirm her fears. She sighed. "I wish the kids could be here all the time. He was so happy at Christmas."
"I told him that he would only have to wait a few more months for a full house again, but he replied that four months was not a few."
"I wish there was something we could do."
"As do I, but I don't think that anything short of capturing Peter Pettigrew will suffice." He sighed and looked a little wistfully at the bottle, but he pushed it away from him.
"Were you planning on joining my cousin by falling into a drunken stupor?" She arched a brow, but she was growing concerned about Remus' behavior.
His mirthless puff of laughter sounded hollow to both of them. "I considered it." Again, he did not seem willing to broach the topic further.
"Did he say or do something to upset you?"
"No- no. He did not have full control of his faculties." His tight smile belied his words. "But can I get you anything? Tea, butterbeer?" He started to rise.
Tonks refused to accept his subject-changing tactics. "Don't try that with me, Remus." She placed her hand over his on the table, and he resumed his seat. "What happened?"
"Nothing worthy of note. Sirius always gets…cantankerous when he's had too much to drink." He removed his hand from underneath hers.
She was prepared to be patient to get him to really talk to her. "You're not acting like it was 'nothing worthy of note.'" She made air quotes, which she knew annoyed him to no end. He rolled his eyes at her because they had had several conversations on that very subject. But she had learned in Auror training that a good way to obtain information was to ruffle the suspect.
"You really don't have to worry, Tonks. He committed no grave offense."
"So you admit there was something 'worthy of note;' it just wasn't a 'grave offense,'" she crowed triumphantly. Remus realized his mistake and rubbed his hand along his forehead in self-exasperation.
"Apparently, I am no match for such a skilled interrogator. I should know better than to try and outwit an Auror." His amusement was more genuine this time, but his brow was furrowed and his eyes looked vaguely haunted.
Tonks' tone softened and she retook his hand. "Tell me what happened, please. You're obviously upset, and it's not good to keep these things inside."
Remus' sigh came from deep in his bones. He removed his hand from hers again and ran it through his hair. "But I shouldn't be. I know he didn't mean what he said." His facial muscles twitched with the effort of maintaining a neutral expression.
"That doesn't mean you're not entitled to be upset about it."
He gazed up at the ceiling as if all his answers were written there. A heavy silence descended on them, pressing like the semi-darkness. "You can tell me anything, you know. I do know how to keep a secret."
He obviously arrived at some sort of decision because he met her eyes. "There's not really that much to tell. He started drinking, and we had a familiar argument about Harry and Severus's Occlumency lessons."
"I've heard a few of those." She waited for him to go on, but he appeared to think the subject was closed as he resumed examining the woodwork patterns on the table. "But there must be more, or you wouldn't be upset."
"He…he said that James would side with him. He said that, wherever he is, James is cheering him on and telling his best mate to stand up for his godson. He said that James would be ashamed of me and how I'm not fighting Dumbledore's decision."
Tonks' heart went out to the man who had lost so much. Then, he had one of his best friends restored to him, only to have that friend waste away in thoughts of the past. "I'm sorry, Remus."
He smiled sadly. "Well, since I've already begun, I might as well tell you the rest. He went on to say that, if it weren't for Harry, he'd rather be with James and Lily than stuck in this house. That James was the best mate anyone could ask for and that I'm no comparison, not by a long way." He hung his head in his hands again.
She stood and went to sit next to Remus. She hesitated, not knowing what to say or do. She settled on simply not moving or saying anything. He glanced sideways at her and appeared to be done talking. Tonks didn't know how she was going to see her cousin the next time without becoming angry. "That's not true. You've done so much for him and he knows it."
"Oh, it's true." He sat up straighter and held up a hand to still her protest. "But he never would have said it if he hadn't been so drunk."
She knew she wouldn't be able to argue with him about this, but she ached at how Sirius' comments must have touched on many of Remus' long-held insecurities. She felt utterly inadequate to comfort him.
"And I don't suppose you want to call him names or insult his mother?"
His smile was faint, but she considered it progress. "Well, I may want to insult his mother, but no, I don't want to call him names."
"Would it help if I told you how you've been the best of friends to me, how you always listened when I needed to talk and made me laugh when I needed not to think for a while?"
"I only tried to return half of what you've given me." This time his smile was a real, Remus smile. He reached over to where her hand rested on the table and clasped it. She put her other hand over their joined ones. They remained that way for some time before they realized that the fire had begun to gutter.
They released each other's hands. Tonks stood and moved toward the stairs. She turned back to say, "Remember what I said. Good night, Remus." When she saw his face lighten, she felt she wasn't so inadequate after all.
"Good night, Tonks. And thank you; I will."
He stayed where he was seated as her footsteps faded overhead. He resumed examining the grooves of the table, but now a slight grin lingered on his face.