Disclaimer: I am a brunette with glasses and my name is Kila. As is obvious, then, I am not, and cannot be, a woman named JK Rowling, who has blonde hair. Furthermore, my total worth is approximately $50. That means, no real income. So... I DON'T OWN HARRY POTTER!
AN: This is a list of alarms that the Ministry has available to set off. I may eventually use them in a story, so no poaching. It plays on the idea that some wizards are just plain dumb.
AN2: No, I do not consider it poaching if you ask me nicely to use these before using them.
AN3: Thank you.
AN4: These are NOT in any particular order.
This Is An Emergency!
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The Ministry of Magic is currently being invaded. All personnel on the lifts should Apparate or Portkey out as quickly as possible. If you are incapable of Apparating or Portkeying out, please scream as loudly as you can, and help will come within twenty-four hours.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The Ministry of Magic is currently being invaded. All Unspeakables please report to the Department of Mysteries. All Aurors please report to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. If you are not an Auror or an Unspeakable, please exit the Ministry as quickly as possible, by way or Apparation, Portkey, or Floo. If you are incapable of exiting in said ways, please hide under your desk until further instructions.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The Ministry of Magic is currently being invaded. All Unspeakables please report to the Department of Mysteries. All Aurors please report to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. If you are not an Auror or an Unspeakable, please exit the Ministry as quickly as possible, by way or Apparation, Portkey, or Floo. If you are incapable of exiting in said ways, please hide under your desk and scream as loudly as you can. If you have no desk, please Transfigure the nearest rubbish bin into a desk, and hide beneath it. If you are incapable of Transfiguring said rubbish bin into a desk, find the nearest desk and hide beneath it. If there is a person already under the desk, Transfigure said person into a small animal of your choice, and hide underneath the desk beside them. If you are incapable of Transfiguring said person, run into the corridor and scream as loudly as you can.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The Ministry of Magic is currently being invaded. All Unspeakables please report to the Department of Mysteries. All Aurors please report to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. If you are not an Auror or an Unspeakable, please exit the Ministry as quickly as possible, by way or Apparation, Portkey, or Floo. If you are incapable of exiting in said ways, please hide under your desk and scream as loudly as you can. If you have no desk, please Transfigure the nearest rubbish bin into a desk, and hide beneath it. If you are incapable of Transfiguring said rubbish bin into a desk, find the nearest desk and hide beneath it. If there is a person already under the desk, Transfigure said person into a small animal of your choice, and hide underneath the desk beside them. If you are incapable of Transfiguring said person, find the nearest garbage chute and dive into it. Hopefully, you will have a safe landing.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. There is a twenty foot by fifty foot rubber duck currently in the Atrium. Repeat. There is a twenty foot by fifty foot rubber duck currently in the Atrium. Please avoid the Atrium until said situation can be rectified.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The Minister has lost his head. If someone could find it, he last saw it in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. Thank you.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. Voldemort is invading the building. If you do not know who Voldemort is, please refer to You-Know-Who, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, or The-Dark-Lord. If you are still uncertain of your comprehension, please turn to the nearest screaming person for help. If you do not need help, please scream as loudly as you can, and run in circles. Remember to turn in your wand to the nearest Death Eater rather than be Cruciated, and have a nice day. Thank you.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The Minister has been Transfigured into a pink bunny rabbit. All Aurors should please report to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, where the Director of the MLE will guide you to the Minister's office to de-Transfigure him. If you are incapable of de-Transfiguring the Minister, please do not report to the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. If the Aurors are incapable of de-Transfiguring the Minister, then he should be locked in a cage with some lettuce, and a new election should be begun immediately.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. Certain test subjects of the Department of Mysteries have escaped. They can be recognized by the T-Shirts that say "Test Subjects," and are also recognized as a blonde woman and a redheaded man. With them is our flock of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks. Please stop them, as it is vital that the Rotfang Conspiracy is hidden from the public for as long as possible. Thank you.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The Ministry of Magic will self-destruct in three… two… one… BOOM!
… Just kidding. April Fools! Happy Birthday to the Corporate Owners of Triple W, now expanding to Japan!
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. There is a muggle baby in the building. Repeat. There is a muggle baby in the building. Please exit the lifts in single file lines, and Apparate, Portkey, or Floo out as quickly as possible. Thank you.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. A child by the name of James Charles Potter is currently loose in the building. He has managed to flip the gravitational mediums of the building, and everyone is currently floating on the ceiling. Please remain calm, and wait for his father to find him. Charles Harrison Potter will be arriving sometime this week from France. Repeat. Please remain calm, and wait for his father to find him. Charles Harrison Potter will be arriving sometime this week from France. In the meantime, attempt to collect the floating liquids, as they will make a large mess once the gravity has returned to normal. If your ears are popping, the cafeteria sells American bubble gum. Thank you, and have a good day.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. I have currently forgotten what the emergency is. Please do not panic, while I attempt to recall. Thank you.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The logic puzzle that has sat in the Department of Mysteries for one thousand years has just been solved. As a result, the belief that magic exists has been proven false, by both Merlin and Hermione Granger. Please feel free to hide under your desk and scream at the idea of a witch or wizard with logic. Thank you.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. There has not been an emergency since the Rubber Ducky Incident in 1981! This is an emergency! Please draw pink mustaches on the nearest female, and drink a Butterbeer while standing on your head. If you are incapable of standing on your head, feel free to eat the "Pre-Sorted Bertie Botts' Beans – All Dragon Dung!" packs. Thank you.
This is an emergency. Repeat. This is an emergency. The Headmistress of Hogwarts has left her spectacles somewhere in the Department of Regulation of Cricket-Leg Use. All free personnel should please report to the D-R-C-L-U, and search for her spectacles.
AN: Yes, these are easily solved by magic, but, as I said, "Please feel free to hide under your desk and scream at the idea of a witch or wizard with logic."
How was my first real shot at humor?