Usually I take pleasure in this. It's what I do. I try to save lives. But failing to do it is the worst feeling ever. It's like having the chance to win a million dollars, then failing because you went on a murderous rampage. A bad, unrealistic analogy, I understand. But this person was special to me.
But before I get into the story, I'd like to talk about myself. My name is Dr. Scarlett Johnson, I have a PHD in Medical Science and a Masters' in Psychology. I should've picked that job.
Usually, when delivering the bad news, it's easy. But this patient was different.
Cody Anderson. 5'6, underwhelming brown hair, nerdy attire. Not too special, right? Wrong. He hit on me. He underestimated my brilliance. Yet, I cared about him. I cared. He intrigued me for some reason.
But like every story nowadays, there's always a sad part. And this story is no exception. Cody had an unnamed presumably cancerous disease and as soon as he was diagnosed, he was referred to me immediately.
"Anderson, Cody. Correct?" I looked through my glasses as he entered my office.
"I was expecting a male..." Cody was so ignorant, yet it was part of his charm. "Aren't you like a nurse?"
"I was expecting respect." Did I forget to mention to start with I loathed the guy? Oh yeah. I did. "Anyway. Your procedure."
"So, the Codemeister's cured?" Cody smiled. Naive and sexist. Seems like what an intelligent woman who made it on her own with a master's and a PHD would hate. And I truly did. Then.
"Possibly. Well, Mr. Anderson. This is a 50/50 chance of it working." I told him bluntly. "Whereas otherwise the odds of you living without the procedure is slim to nill. A couple weeks after, we'll run a test, then talk to you about it."
"Sweet. Can I go, then?" For a man with an unspecified disease, he was awfully calm."
"Please do." I sighed.
"Later, babe." He smiled as the first time of many he tried to hit on me, as he left my office. At that point I shuddered. He was revolting to me in every way. He was incredibly sexist, seemed to be somewhat of a simpleton, nevermind the fact he was very narccistic, or at least those were the ways he first came accross.
I knew to start with my later meetings with this particular patient would be stressful at best.
At about 6pm later that day, my shift had ended. I walked out of the hospital, after clocking out. I walked to my parking spot, only to see it was empty.
"Damn it!" I yelled in frustration as I realized I had been carjacked. "I payed so much for that piece of shit!"
Whatever. I figured as I calmed down. I could just make an insurance claim later. So I started walking. The only annoying part was, I lived all the way accross town. It'd be about a 2 hour walk. I groaned, as cars passed me as I strolled down the gritty sidewalk, envying the drivers.
My red hair in a bun, I take out the band, shoving it in my pocket, letting my red hair spring free. I'm about 30 minutes into my walk, and then a car pulled up to me. The car was rusty, dirty and as if it had been dragged from an old warehouse. The driver rolled his window down.
"Hey, doc." I was cursing myself as I saw who the driver was. "Need a lift."
Of course! Just my luck. Cody. As much as I hated him, I did not fancy walking all that way.
"Yes please." I replied, swallowing all of my pride. He gestured for me to walk around to the other side, which I did. I carefully opened the rusty door, not wanting to pull it too hard, as with how weak the whole car looked, it probably would've came off of the hinges.
"So. Where you live?" He asked, still having that stupid little smirk I oh so hated at the time.
"Down Pahkitew Road." I replied, not wanting to tell him my exact address.
"No way! I live on Wawanakwa Lane!" He smiled. He lived on the street near mine. Fan-freaking-tastic.
"Isn't that just..." I didn't continue my sentence.
"Must be fate." He smirked, flirting as I just giggled. In my head I imagined laughing as his procedure failed. Horrible thought, but I had an insane hatred for this man.
He had possibly the cheesiest thing I'd ever heard on the radio, as he started driving. Surprised the rusty old thing didn't need a jumpstart. To be fair, it ran okay. The noises it made were horrendous, but it ran okay. I was tempted to dive out of the car as he started to look at me.
"Eyes on the road." I snapped. I then fakely smiled, to give it a lighter tone. He nodded.
"So, other than being cute and medical stuff, what do you like to do?" Cody asked as I cringed at his attempt at a pickup line.
"Reading. Learning." I replied, giving very one dimensional answers.
"Cool. I like playing the keyboard and setting off fireworks at the top of my apartment." How much time did this guy have on his hands? Fireworks. Of all things, fireworks. No special occaision. To this day, I still don't understand him.
"Charming." I replied wholeheartedly.
The rest of the way was silent. There was no talking. He got to the top of Pahkitew.
"I can walk from here." I told him, getting out. "Thanks for the ride."
"No prob, babe." He smirked, as I shut the door on him.
He frustrated me at that point. We were the complete opposite. He infuriated me. He was sexist, thought he could get any girl he wanted, and not to even touch on the fact he had no life plans. As I got home, I clutched the handle, as I was greeted by the silence and loneliness of my own home. The big, cold hallway of my sizely house invited me in, as I slowly walked inside.
I loved my home. But the sadness always consumed me. I was always alone. Come to think of it, my only true interactions at that very time were with patients I were obligated to talk with during medical checkups.
I had it all. Money, a nice house, anything I could ever want. Yet I had no friends. Typical rich person scenario, I know. But whatever.
So I get to my laptop, and I open it so I'm able to contact my insurance company. I get onto Google Chrome, typing in the URL, also putting Facebook in. One friend request. That was odd. I swear I had all my family already on there.
I clicked on the icon, not looking at the name yet, only to see there being no mutual friends. Then I look at the picture, then the name to verify. Of course, just what I needed. Cody. If I rejected, he'd probably know about it. So what did I do? Accept it. Instantly, I get a message.
Back
Facebook Messenger
Cody Emmet Jameson Anderson.
Hey!
Hello.
It's crazy you're on here too!
It's facebook.
LOL, TRUE! xD
Gotta go...
Aww. :*( Bye then!
Seeya.
I didn't really need to go. I just didn't feel like speaking to him. I close the tab, so he thinks I'm out. I then get onto my insurance company's site. I register my vehicle as stolen, and nothing really interesting from there happened on the insurance front. I eventually got my car back.
I realized then, Cody was my only friend. I'd only met him that day, and he was the worst in my mind, but he was the only one even willing to be my friend. I then realized I wasn't giving this guy much credit. So I opened Messenger back up.
Back
Facebook Messenger
Cody Emmet Jameson Anderson.
Hey, I'm back.
Cool!
Listen, I didn't give you enough credit earlier. Sorry.
Really? I thought you were kinda patient.
Really?
Yuhuh.
Oh. Interesting. So, how are your fireworks going?
Oh, I don't do it often. Just a little thing I like.
That would explain why I don't hear them.
Yeah, LOL.
Haha.
Well, I'm off to bed. See you when my procedure happens?
I suppose.
So he wasn't as bad as I thought. Who would've thought it, right? Well, if you read the first section... you. After the above conversation, we only talked one more time before the procedure. Here's the last time. Halfway through the chat, a realization dawned on me.
Back
Facebook Messenger
Cody Emmet Jameson Anderson.
Hey.
Hi.
How are you?
Great, you?
Good, thanks. Little worried though.
Well, I'm sure your procedure will go well.
Wait. Aren't you supposed to not converse with
patients?
Listen, I'm gonna be honest.
Us being friends is technically
unallowed. But, if I'm truthful,
you're the only friend I have.
So, we need to keep this
on Facebook.
Oh. Okau.
Thanks for getting it.
This is kinda awkward now.
Yeah...
TTYL?
Sure.
Having to say that crushed me. But I knew I had to keep it professional. It's like when you say you'll keep in touch with someone moving far away. You never do. Or like saying when you give up a pet that you'll visit them. And doing this was like throwing away my only shred of friendship. Today, the day I am currently writing this, is the day I'll find out the results of the procedure and relay them back to him. But more on that later. I didn't go in on the day he went under the knife. I couldn't bare to see the upset in his face. I know he would've been just as upset as I am. I don't want to have to face him today. I can't. We've connected so much over the last week. And for me to just throw it away. But it's my career. Who even knows if he'll survive anyway? I'll stay strong. I can fake it. But I know, whether the results mean he's okay or not, I'm going to come back home, with tears in my eyes. I, Scarlett, am weak. I used to be strong and independant, but only three Facebook chats have made me learn to love someone? Why must emotions be a thing? I feel as if the power of emotions, if bottled, could cure any disease.
Not like that'll cure Cody.
Not like that'll cure any sick person.
I can't believe what I just did today. I'm so disappointed in myself. I lied. To my only friend. The only friend I threw away. I guess I'll entail the details, what harm can it do now?
I walked into the hospital, a sweating wreck. I clocked in, entering my office. As I put on my lab coat, I feel a nervous shiver down my spine, like bony fingers caressing the back of me. The intercom makes a buzzing noise, before a voice comes through. My heart drops.
"Anderson's test results at the front desk." I hear the receptionist's gruff withered voice, as I cross my fingers for luck. On the verge of tears, I take a deep breath, walking out of my office. As my shoes hit the cold, hard, grey floor my hands start to tremble. It's like the feeling of when you're little, and about to get in trouble for something, times ten. His life could be over soon. And I had to deliver whether it was to him or not.
I made my way through the glass doors, as they automatically open before me. I fakely smiled to the receptionist, as she was about to gossip.
"This Anderson guy-" She started to talk about Cody, so I quickly cut her off.
"Doctor patient confidentiality." I scolded her, as she looked down. I quickly walked away from her, who seemed ashamed, as I breathed heavily. As soon as the glass door closed, I felt my lip tremble. I ran to my office, slamming the door. I didn't want to read that paper. I put my back against the wall, as I sank. A tear rolled down my pale cheek, as I bit my lip. I slowly retracted the clipboard the paper was clad to. I skim the sheet all the way down to the results.
Anderson, Cody.
Saint Mclean's Hospital.
Results
Anderson was diagnosed with CDNS (Cancerous Disease Not Specified.) on December 13th 2015.
Referred to Dr. Scarlett McGrady.
Underwent medical procedure which involved going under the knife.
Tested.
Results: Failed.
Please relay results to Anderson.
At this point, tears were streaming from my eyes at a rapid speed. I needed to clean up. I ran to the bathroom, so if Cody walked in he'd wait to come in. I opened the Staff door, as luckily no one was there. I washed my face, breathing heavily. It's likely he's going to die. I dried off my face. At least I looked fine. I knew what I had to do. Even if it'd hurt him.
Just as I got back into my office, a few minutes later, he opened the door himself, not saying a word. I knew I had to give the appearance I was being professional.
"Hello Cody." I look to him, sucking in everything I felt before.
"Hi,doc." I could see him also trying to stay professional, after our Facebook chat.
"Well, about your results of your procedure." I was sweating, as I tried to play cool. "We need to fix the heat here. Anyways, the sheet I was given won't make sense, so I will, um... explain to you. So, your procedure took place. You went through I believe a brain surgery, which was crucial. Anyway, your results. Results, results, results. Your results came back as a pass! You'll have to go through a few more procedures, which we'll discuss around December 26th."
I lied to him.
"Great! See ya later, doc!" Cody smiled.
So, that's the story of my day today. I lied to my only friend. I know if you, the reader are reading this, as I plan to put this in my manifesto 'The Doctor', you're probably sympathizing with me. Don't. Cody is the one that needs sympathy. And the possibility of him living now is slim to nill. And he'd know this and come to terms with this if it wasn't for me. But my lying lips and I just have to screw everything up. I just wanted to help. To care. But, to lie is not to care. Lying breaks hearts, eventually.
I'm just not meant to love.
I'm just not meant to care.
It's the morning after the lie. What have I done? Why did I do it? If I told him he wasn't cured, he just would've undergone another procedure. And now all I can do is cry. All I can do is feel bad for myself. Unfortunately, that's not going to change anything. It won't help him, or me. I need to fix this.
I'm getting up right now, about to check my messages. But I can't bring myself to see them. In case Cody messages me. My sore eyes look around the room, seeing the lonely room. Undoubtedly, soon I shall be lonely again. If I'm telling Cody the truth I'm telling him in person.
I need to pluck up the courage to do it, my head not in the best state. Upset, I pace around the room, breathing heavily. Why is it, I finally get my life together and now I destroy myself due to my own ill telling of a result. I stop pacing and console myself. I'm going down to Wawanakwa Apartment Complex and telling him straight.
Whether I like it or not he deserved to know. And that's a fact.
I did it... Here's the story.
I went over to the complex, dashing around. 100 rooms, but which one was his? Then it clicks. I could see stairs onto the roof, that seemed to lead to the apartment. And where did Cody practice his main hobby? The roof, of course! Not really a hobby, but still! I breath, still rather nervous. Swiftly, I run to the elevator, frantically pressing floor 20's button. As the door shuts, I wait for the elevator shaft to start moving the elevator up to wha
"Okay, Scarlett... You can do this." I psyche myself up, trying to calm my nerves.
As the elevator finished it's ascension and the doors opened, I was shocked at who I saw in front of me.
"Scarlett! Hey!" Cody smiled, as I was in complete and utter shock at my unpreparedness and bad luck.
"Cody, Hi..." I rub the back of my head, the awkwardness seeping in.
"How you doing?" Cody asked.
"Good, but... Listen. You just... uh, you..." My sweaty palms locked into each other. "I lied! You still have a CDNS. I'm sorry. I just didn't want you to know you would probably die, and you could still live, but it's going to require another procedure which could fail..."
"That's okay." Cody shrugged, looking to me.
"Uh... Cody. You could die." I was taken aback by his calmness.
"Couldn't everyone? What's life worth living if constantly worrying about death?" He pointed out a philosophy. It really struck a chord with me. I pull him into a tight embrace, tears in my eyes. He returns it, looking to me. He bends down slowly, locking our lips into a soft, tender kiss. My eyes close a split second after he starts kissing me.
I knew from that point everything would be alright. That everything would be okay, as long as I was by his side through all of this. As long as we defeated the odds.
"I'll arrange your procedure for, say, a week from now?" I look to Cody, who smiled.
"Sounds good."
I haven't wrote for a little under a 3 days. Not much has happened, barring a few Facebook conversations. We're not fully in a relationship, but he invited me to watch fireworks with him tonight. I don't really see the point in them, but of course for Cody I will. At this point, I would do anything for Cody. I just don't know how to express that. He has his procedure in two days. I love him. It's crazy to think around 2 months ago, I hated this guy. Now I can't even imagine life without him.
Checking the clock, I realise the time. 7:30pm, and the fireworks were at 8:30pm. Wanting to be punctual, I immediately plug my curling iron in. Although I am not one to prettify myself to make a man happy, I wanted to. As I curl my hair, I think about what I can wear. I don't have any dresses, due to not really being in many social settings. In fact, the curling iron is a never been opened before gift from when I graduated from medical school a few years back.
I finish curling my hair, running up the stairs. I look in my wardrobe, and as I am deciding to spare you the boring details and hidden insecurities, I'll skip to what I wore. A yellow sweater, a white shirt underneath it. I wear a green skirt. I look presentable, I guess. Not exactly pretty, but definitely presentable.
I'm going to go now.
I'm back! And although I had doubts, it was spectacular! As soon as I got up the elevator, he ran up to me and hugged me. Sure, it was kind of cheesy. But I loved it. He lead me into his apartment.
"This is my place. Not much, but I love it." He smiled, showing me something much less tasteful and beautiful than what I had. But it had happiness. Colour. Brightness.
"It's beautiful..." I smile, looking around the raggedy yet charismatic room.
"You're beautiful..." He smiled back to me, as I blush. He runs near a door, opening it. As he entered, he quickly ran out with a large box of fireworks, running up the stairs. "Race ya!" The childlike glee in his voice was apparent. I ran up the stairs after him, giggling. As we reached a hatch, he opened it. I pushed myself onto the roof as he did.
"Ready to get this show on the road?" Cody asked me, holding a firework.
"Of course." I smile.
Cody placed down the firework, lighting it quickly, then running back to where I was standing. He holds my hand, as we watch the first one spiral into the air. The pink firework fizzled into the air, as we laughed. It was so beautiful!
He smiles. "Screw it!" He runs, placing almost 10 fireworks, as my eyes widen. He lights then all, running back. I watch the display, seeing all sorts of colours as they go off. Ref, yellow, green, orange, pink, purple, you name it, all different sounds. He then speaks up.
"Will you be my girlfriend?" He looked into my eyes, as I lean in, kissing him. As our lips embrace and the fireworks go off, he pulls away from what seemed like a very long kiss. "That a yes?"
I nod, giggling. The rest of the night we spent lighting multiple, and kissing. It was the best night of my life. The first night I could certainly say I felt loved by someone. At this point, I knew Cody never cared about his life. He cared about the people he lived it with. And from now on, that will be my philosophy. I guess you could say we had a spark. A firework, even.
Cody's having his procedure as I write. This is life or death, more likely than not. But for some reason I feel happy. I wholeheartedly feel as if whatever happens I will be fine. Many of the feelings I've experienced recently I haven't before. He seemed so calm before his procedure. I mean, we have to keep professional until we know his final result. But, will that matter to him? No. And in such a strange way, not me either. It's Christmas Eve tomorrow. And at least we'll spend it together.
I just got approached by my boss. I got fired! I'm so infuriated right now. I guess I really deserved it. She found out I lied to Cody. Don't know how, but I got fired... what am I going to do? All I've worked for... all I've studied... to be fired because of an act of love? I can't take this lying down. Can I? Should I? Cody doesn't know yet. He's being referred to another doctor, I do not know who.
I feel so cheated, even though I know I deserved this. I shouldn't have lied. But if Cody forgave me for it, how did anyone find out? Security cameras? Not in my office. I can't take this! Let me take a second.
Okay. I just got such a rush! I marched into my boss's office, all my things in my bag. I stare into her eyes, as she smirked.
"Scarlett." The raven haired boss narrowed her eyes. "Unfortunately, you have been terminated. You may not remember since you seem to not be able to read results right that I fired you.
"Heather. I'm not leaving just yet." I look back to my ex boss.
"That's Dr. Andrea-Burromuerto to you." She falsely corrected me, as I rolled my eyes.
"Not anymore."
She angrily pointed to the door. "Out."
I smile, nodding, looking at her desk, as I sweep everything off of her desk. Well deserved, if I do say so. I rushed out, laughing as soon as I walk out. A little cheesy, I understand. But this woman, ooh. Cody will be fine with any other doctor. I guarantee it. I can get any other job, I'll be absolutely fine, too. Don't you worry.
So. Been a little while since I wrote. About a week to round it off. And oh boy, has it been nerve wracking. All week, I've been waiting for Cody to call and let me know what's going on. I tried visiting, but he's never home. I'm trying to hold off from visiting the hospital, so I don't have to see my bitchface of an ex-boss. Oh man, how I despise her. How I detest her. I assure you, she is one of the worst people you could ever meet. Her hostility and coldness makes me suffer beyond hope. As for finding a job, my options are open.
As we speak, I'm getting into the car. I can't write and drive, so I shall write you a paragraph and then be on my way. I'm going to have to commute to the hospital. Hopefully Glenda will let it slide that I don't have a visitors appointment, it's some security thing with Heather. She's so infuriatingly paranoid, for some reason, yet refuses to even admit it. Okay. I'll tell you how it goes if Cody is even there.
As I slipped into the doors, I looked to Glenda.
"Anderson in?" I narrow my eye.
"Yeah, but you need an appointment approved by Dr. Burromuerto." Glenda replies, rather coldly.
"For me?" Slyly, I asked.
"How much we talkin'?" Glenda took out her purse.
"Oh, come on, Glenda! It's for love. You understand, you're a lonely receptionist." I rolled my eyes.
"Which is why I should be costing more." Glenda, as I coughed up a five, opened the gates for me. I sigh. "Ward eight!"
As she calls, I make my way down to ward 8, rather swiftly. As I pull the door open, I panic as I see Cody on life support.
"Cody..." I breathe, tears in my eyes.
"Scarlett... I can't hold much longer. The procedure failed. And I feel so rough." Cody weakly replied, as my eyes filled with tears.
How could this happen... the love of my life. My one and only. The man that brought me so much happiness... he'll be gone soon. The one I loved, needed, cared for. Gone. Gone, gone, gone. Just the word gone. It's so empty... and sad. The saddening truth is, I can't save him. I can't save myself.
"No..." I try to process theheartwrenching, ugly, vile truth. The truth gripped me. Like a punch to the gut, the pain winded me. Took over. Made me drop what I was doing. The pain... won't ever go away. Will it? Can it? Could it?
"You love me. And I love you. But, it's time for you to let go of me... You can do better things without me. You don't need me. I just need you. But I'm not gonna be around much longer." He sniffled, looking into my teary eyes.
"No... No...! I had plans for us. We were supposed to be married, and have children. We would've saved enough money to stay at home and find new hobbies! We were supposed to live in a nice little cottage, with a beautiful garden...! The kids would've gone to school, and we'd teach them how to be good people and find themselves! Anything but this. This isn't our story! This is a nightmare! We were supposed to have a spark. A undying open flame, never to be extinguished. A firework. Now that's all been ruined... after all this heartache and tension, we were supposed to be happy..." I lay down my head in his lap, crying.
"Well, I'm happy... because I'm with you. So what if I die? I get it, it's not our fairy tale ending. It's so much better. It's life, in it's most raw, pure, true form. What we have here is genuine art. A beautiful painting, intricately designed by us. Each moment. Each little detail. We did it. We left this imprint. And I know how much you like to write in that book in your spare time. So, end the story. Finish writing. This is the blueprint to a construction of love. It's not the most secure building. But you did it. We did it. Let's leave this imprint." He finished his speech, as I immediately locked lips with him, my eyelids shutting.
Then, when I pull away from his lips, the heart monitor started racing fast and hard. I looked into his eyes, then he looked into mine. Suddenly, it slowed to normal rate. Not stopping at all. I was confused to say the least, but I was happy. He was alive.
"Wh-what...?" I look to him, confused, hugging him.
"Scarlett! I saw my life flash before my eyes. A bright light. I saw it, swear! But I'm alive!" He smiled. "Maybe I'll be okay."
I smiled, nodding. Suddenly, the door was pulled open. I spun on my heels to see Heather.
"Get out of my hospital." She snarled, narrowing her eyes. "I saw you in my security cameras. This is trespassing!"
"Heather, please. You would do the same for your husband. I know you would. Imagine yourself in this situation. Now imagine how it feels for me. I've been lonely for so long, and now Cody is in my life. And maybe out, soon!" I glared to Heather, as she started to tear up.
"I'm sorry, okay?! It did happen to Alejandro. But I wasn't there for him. And he died. My love is gone. But it's not too late for me. Or you. Please, forgive me. Don't end up like me. Love him like he could die now. Consider this your job back." She smiled towards the end, then rushed off before I could say anything.
"I guess maybe we'll be fine after all."
And that's what we were. We got everything I mentioned. It's been 5 years. We have a cottage, children, and yes, even marriage. And Heather now has moved onto a nice man, named DJ, even if he is a little bit of a Momma's Boy. But Cody survived through it all. And we couldn't be happier. We got our spark. Our undying flame. Our fireworks.