He had loved her with furious adoration. She had changed his world forever, even if she often said he was the one to do that to her.
He knew better, tho. Severus could had never transformed anything into good, but he let her be when she said those stuff. Didn't care to contradict her. He was happy just to watch her smile with fondness at him.
He knew he was right.
In the alternate universe in which he indeed had changed her life for the good, he would still be right there.
Lily had made him feel love for the first time.
With her hugs and laugh. With her soft hair tickling his cheeks while they were both lying in the grass. With her encouragement.
She accepted him. Fully and loving.
He used to dream that Lily went to his bedroom at night and would snatch him from his life.
They would both leave the muggles and stay camping in beautiful forests, learning magic by themselvs. Forver together. Guarded.
When Hogwarts had started and they got separated, the ache to make that happen felt stronger. At least the firts two years.
Lily still made time only for him, in which they both would lie on the grounds of their school and talk tiredlessly.
She was light and pure kind. Cheeky and ethical.
He was a mess. But with her, he felt grounded.
He had kiss her and she had laughed.
"Silly, don't put that face! Am I that ugly?"
He liked boys and so did she. Apparently, being brilliant wasn't their only thing in common.
She smiled on pictures while he went still, uncomfrtable and self-concesious.
She didn't mind. Didn't care. She loved him. Him, in his awkwardness and stupidity.
But soon she wasn't enough. He needed more than just her smiles and hugs and bad baked cookies. More than loving understanding and cheeky jokes of blokes that made him turn beet red.
He needed control.
He so desperately needed it.
By the time fourth year came, Severus wanted to feel in shape of his emotions more than ever. Needed it.
Knew his life like now was doomed. A shitty father and useless mother. A school filled with maggots and incopetent people.
At fourteen, he hated himself more than he had ever did.
And that hate had a first and last name.
James Potter.
He had Lily, still. Less frequent, but she was there, to make him forget a bit that his stomach and chest felt tight and gross with something that belonged to her only.
I love him. He had mouthed those words a billions times in fifth year. He wanted to tell her. He knew better.
Lily was what felt good. But she wasn't his only rock anymore. All those absents had been filled with new people. People who understood him better than Lily would ever do. When the hunger for power that Mulciber fed him with became binge, it was when Severus felt more centered. Sure of himself.
She had been his whole life. His prime reason to keep going. Then, she wasn't. And after, she wasn't there at all.
The hole on his chest destabilizing him, making him a mess again.
"Lily, please! Just let me explain!"
Severus needed her. Needed her to keep the balance.
And after many times begging, he left himself go.
Voldemort was becoming stronger and he had nothing and nobody to stop him from his greatness. That was what Avary said. He was right. He was right. He was right...
So sorry for any typo. Also, I've been on this website for so long and STILL have no idea how to put spaces when I submit the story. Please help?
Please leave a comment. If you enjoy my stories, know that I make them with love, but I usually feel like I'm putting them here and nobody cares.