HI ALL YOU PEOPLE OUT THERE! CAN YOU HEAR ME? What? Too loud you say?
My greatest apologies.
My name is Doc. I used to have a better name, but I cant quite remember it right now… it wasn't Doug, or Gary, and I'm pretty sure I wasn't Princeton. I think my name had letters in it though, not numbers. But, I have been wrong before! Haven't always been right. Sometimes I'm left. Who decided that left was left anyway? How do we know that the guy that first came up with directions didn't say that left was right? Maby he was about to tell everybody, but his friend bob hit him on the head with a rock till his brains came out like toothpaste, and stole his idea! But he said it wrong, and said that left was really left and right was right, right?
Where was I? Oh yeah, my name.
I think I had a name at one point, but I forgot it. I don't know how people keep track of it all, there are SO many people and SO many names, how does anyone know whose is whose? But everyone calls me Doc, cuz' that's the name on my tag. It used to say 'Doctor Someone Somethingson' but now it dosent really say anything. But, it also had writing on it, and that writing has worn down over the years, and now just says Doc. And that's fine with me.
My house is a fun place. I used to think that I was a doctor, and helped crazy people. I think the place I live in used to be an asylum of some sort. But now its just my place, mine and the dozens of homeless buddies of mine that stay the nights. I gave them all comfy jackets, white leather! Long sleeves too, all tied up in the back, cozy like. They are such jokers too! They are always yelling "For the love of god someone help us!" they think god loves them! God dosent love homeless people, because homeless people aren't people! Thus the preface homeless!
They also say things like "please don't kill me!" I don't kill any of them though! Don't worry, I don't kill people, even if they aren't really people. Unless I want to. But I don't want to. At least not yet. Nope, they are just my homeless buddies! And my water bottles, full to the brim with yummy red hobo juice!
Did I mention that I'm a vampire? I think I did… in a vampire named Doc. That's not really my name, but I like it! Did I say that already? Oh well, I have now! And I'll way it again! Doc doc doc doc doc, doc doc doc doc doc. Doc Doc… whose there? DOC Malkavian!
I think I like people. I like how they taste, and I like how they say funny things. Like, I once knew this one guy, I never caught his name, but I was in therapy and he was there too! I don't know who was the patient and who was the doctor, but I don't think we took turns, which was pretty selfish of me! Anyways, he said "I'm a vampire!"
And I said "Nuh-Huh!"
And he said "Yeah-huh!"
And I said "Prove it!"
So he bit me on the neck, and turned me into a vampire too! I think he took my sanity, because I haven't seen it since. It was either my sanity or my wallet… No, it must have been my sanity, because I have my wallet right here. Or someone's wallet. Or a pile of dirt, I can't really be sure. But then, after I went crazy, I kept coming in to work. I kept helping my peeps! I would come into work, prescribe medication, attend therapy, talk with nurses, drink from the water fountain, and even spoon-feed catatonics!
I didn't figure it out till later that I just was seeing things. The vampire, (the other guy, not me) went and ruined the hospital after I fell asleep from a massive case of deadness. I kept coming in to work, but there was no one here! Isn't that funny? I spent 8 years of my life (death? Unlife? Vampiric existence? Cheese? Grandpa? Taco? What was I doing? Oh yeah) helping people that weren't even there! I spoon fed ghosts! I gave medication to homeless people! Isn't that funny? Isn't it? ANWSER ME!
Hi I'm Doc.
I like my name.
Anyways, I spent most of my time after that just a hangin' with my new homeless peeps that weren't people, (cuz I'm not a person either! But not because I'm homeless, I have a home. I think it used to be an asylum of some sort…) and helping them with their problems. I think some of them have Tourettes because they yell a lot, and curse, and cry uncontrollably. I think I might be crazy too, but I don't know…
First rule of psychology: don't self diagnose. But, I am allowed to self prescribe. I think I'm gonna go drink some yummy hobo blood!