Delia Jem Rosewood waltzed into the Hogwarts' Great Hall one day, and sat down at the Gryffindor table next to the Golden Trio.

"Hello!" she trilled in her musical voice, long golden waves of hair dripping down to her perfectly formed breasts as the words passed her perfectly plump red eyes like honey. "I'm Delia Jem Rosewood, and I just transferred to Hogwarts from Beauxbatons. I was given permission to choose my own house, and I choose Gryffindor!"

"Great?" Harry said as he stared at the strange girl, who stared back at him, her blue eyes unblinking.

"Oh, look the feast!" Delia exclaimed as food appeared on the table, and everyone very uneasily dug in.

"Delia, I love you!" Harry proclaimed after a couple bites. "I just want to kiss you on your red, juicy lips and-"

Harry was interrupted when Ron shoved him onto the floor. "No! Delia, I love you! Please accept this ancient family heirloom and be my-" Ron was barely able to hand her a gold necklace adorned with red diamonds when Draco jumped over from the Slytherin table and kicked him in the back of the head mid-air before landing on the table.

"Delia, don't accept love of that blood traitor!" Draco exclaimed.

"Why not? It's shiny," Delia licked her lips as she admired the necklace Ron had given her.

"Uh…" Draco faltered for a moment. "Because I love you more! And here, is the Malfoy tiara, to prove it." He presented her a silver tiara with emeralds, sapphires and diamonds before falling backwards, being cursed.

"Delia, don't do it!" Hermione exclaimed after petrifying Draco. "I am your true love!"

"Do you have any presents?" Delia asked dryly after she had put on the Malfoy tiara, cutely lopsided.

"No."

"Then what do you offer?"

"Hot lesbian snogging sessions, my love."

Delia paused for a second. "Good point."

The two girls leaned towards each other, lips puckered and wet in anticipation before Hermione was also petrified.

"Fiddlesticks!" Delia cursed as she saw Hermione's form fall on the floor. "Who now?"

The rest of the Hogwarts population jumped up on the Gryffindor table, before ensuing in an all-out brawl.

BEAUXBATON'S STUDENTS PUT LOVE POTION IN HOGWARTS STUDENTS FOOD

Madame Maxime says she does not represent the school

Yesterday, chaos broke out at Hogwarts as a rouge Beauxbaton's student, Jessica Brooks, masqueraded as a Hogwarts transfer student to infiltrate the castle. She also used Polyjuice Potion to make herself look like a muggle supermodel during the act. That's not all, as she managed to bribe a house-elf, now let free from his duties at the school, to let her in the kitchens to sneak Amortentia into the food, causing all the students to fall madly in love with her. A brawl ensued for her affections, leaving 200 injured, none dead. I managed to catch Madame Maxime, head of Beauxbaton's, for a few words regarding the incident. "Ms. Brooks does not represent the ideals and standards set forth by our school…" continued on A1

Ron crumpled the newspaper Fred and George had sent him, along with the little note making fun of the incident, and threw it angrily down on the table.

"Still mad?" Harry asked, watching his friend bemusedly.

"Yeah! Aren't you?"

"Of course, but I wasn't the one that gave away a valuable heirloom…"

"I told you, that wasn't mine! You think if I had that my family would be havin' our troubles?"

Hermione nodded her head in agreement from where she was reading the newspaper. "Ron's right. Apparently Jessica robbed an expensive antiques shop before coming here so she could apparate them to student's pockets so they could give her them as presents." Hermione shook her head. "Shame. Could have been a talented witch if she weren't so mad."

"Where is she now?" Harry asked.

"First there's the trial, completely unnecessary but Jessica seems to be fighting her case, but the prosecution seems to be fighting for a conviction in wizarding prison for a few years. But the defenders are arguing insanity, so maybe St. Mungos. But right now she's in temporary house arrest until the trial." Hermione placed the newspaper down on the table and took a bite of her buttered toast.

"I still can't believe she managed to get all that jewelry," Hermione continued. "Imagine the heist!"

"Who said all those jewels were stolen, Granger?" said Draco as he walked by their table, his pockets clanking.

Author's Note: Hey, if you like this, check out my other Harry Potter parody, "Mary Sues, They're Quite Strange Creatures" updated every Friday. Remember to leave a review!

Parodying This Week: Everybody-Loves-Her-Sue

Parodying Next Week: Hogwarts= Everybody is royalty