Author's Note: I started writing this in a note on my phone at four in the morning on June 17. Four days later, I emailed myself what I had written so far, copied and pasted it into a Word document, and finished it up on my laptop. This is OT3-verse, and you'll get some references if you read delightisadream's last few EWW stories, but this works fine as a stand-alone.

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Clean by lovethatignites

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Douchebag Danny,

Since Tucker has clearly lost what little of his sanity IHS didn't previously steal, I'm doing as he ordered and writing you a letter. ASSHOLE. This entire thing is your fault! I have much better, more pleasurable things to do than to write my momma's boy ex.

Hope your day is going terrible,

Emma

Zoom Material,

A) K-tuck's mental health is in very good condition compared to your… everything. 2) Don't even try making me jealous. Your "super hot boyfriend" has been dubbed Jacquine he's let himself go so bad and he doesn't even come to school half the time, just lays under your coffee table groaning. Super sexy, Em. What an upgrade.

Speaking of upgrades, Mia made some lasagna. Gotta go.

Already know your life is going terrible because just look at that face,

DBD, aka Sex Magnet

Gross Fuck,

You are aware my dad WATCHED you and Rob the entire time you were breaking into our house and stealing our ice cream, right? Get a fucking non-summer job to help your mom with the bills, you chode; don't break into your ex-girlfriend's house to steal her groceries!

Disgusted,

Emma

Man Hands,

No, actually, I was not aware Franpa had eyes for Rob. Always knew there was some tension for me, but that's besides the point. You may not remember what it's like to have a significant other or friends or you know a LIFE, but I'm enjoying my senior year and do not need to get a job, thank you very much. My mom is doing just fine paying the bills; I only stole your ice cream because I felt like it. (Mel hated it by the way; you owe me thirty bucks.)

Also, this is my formal demand that you never again refer to yourself as my ex anything. I like to pretend those dark times never happened. Helps me sleep at night. Though, Mia helps with that, too.

Stealthily,

Daniel H. Miler

Dickwad,

I'm just gonna skip right over the comments about my dad being a gay pedophile because what the FUCK. He hates you, as do most people. Dunno how you think you're so popular. It's funny, really: when I first moved here, Andi told me you were popular only because you were athletic and good looking. Guess when Jax showed up you officially joined Lameville.

If anyone owes anyone money, you owe me the past three years of my life I'll never get back.

Sorry to disappoint you, "Dawniel," but I will absolutely always refer to you as my ex. I like to remind myself of how much better off I am without you crying and whining and being unaccepting every two seconds.

With official superiority,

Emma

Poopy,

I'm gonna have to correct you there (and everywhere besides the bedroom; please, do that wrong all you want, just don't ask me to watch). I joined Lameville when you moved to town. Mia saved me and brought me back to life.

Emma, no one wants the past three years of your life back. They were bad. Much like your face. Did you do that on purpose to correlate, or are you just that unfortunate?

Some of us don't have to remind ourselves of how much better we are without our ex by reminding ourselves of our ex, because some of us have amazing new partners who make us forget we ever dated anyone else. It's amazing: I was with you for so long, I actually forgot that a normal relationship doesn't involve accepting that you're constantly being cheated on.

The left side of my ballsack is more superior than you,

Danky Dan

Sweaty Ballsuck,

Your immaturity shouldn't surprise me anymore. Mia brought you back to life? How? By helping you "release your inner wild" and trying to end mine? Maddie told me about the spider seal and what it really did the same day you apologized, and I got mad at her and ignored her warning. Shouldn't have. She was right about you. You're just a sick person.

I never cheated on you, but if I did, who could blame me? You never wanted to do more than kiss my cheek, and as you'll so proudly shout from the rooftops these days, you didn't accept me for who I am. Unfortunately, I used to love you, and when I finally confessed my feelings before what I assumed would be plunging to my death (AT YOUR HAND, by the way), all you could do was yell, "NOOOO!" Seriously, who wouldn't look elsewhere for affection at that point?

Sickened by your hairless legs,

Emma

Moron,

*deep inhale* No. Mia brought me back to life by being her fucking self. It didn't matter how many times my old stick-in-the-mud personality bitched that she needed to be more serious about life; she wasn't changing for anyone, least of all me. Quite the contrast to you, the girl who lied to me then made it my fault you were too scared to be honest with me. And while you're accusing me of wanting to kill you, let me remind you the entire reason there's a shell of a man living under your coffee table is because he came here TO kill you and only changed his mind last second, after I stood by you all day. He ripped your powers out of you, threatened to kill your dad, and laughed right in your face.

This might shock you, Emma, since your head has grown bigger than Mrs. Van Pelt's hair, but most guys don't exactly appreciate their girlfriends sneaking around with "the hot new guy" and lying to them. I never said you couldn't be yourself around me, but if you really thought I'd hate you for having your powers back, why on earth wouldn't you dump me and just go be with Jax? Was it that fun playing with our heads that you really thought it was worth it to be with someone who didn't like you for you?

Saddened by your life choices,

Daniel

Bigger Moron (not like that),

While your old personality had just as many flaws as your new one, at least your old one was nice. You tried to be a good person so much that you were actually a really shitty one when I stop and think about it, with all your rules and legalism about magic. But still, you thought you were doing the right thing. Can you honestly tell me you think zooming in on my face and taking pictures to make fun of my appearance is the right thing? Do you even care anymore how you make anyone feel?

About Jax: he never wanted to kill me. His dad wanted him to get close with "the Chosen One" and convince her to open the portal during the Last Light. Jax was unaware that process would involve ending my life. Not that it's any of your business, but before Jake and Andi got together, Jake was an abusive dick. Jax was legitimately afraid for his and his twin sisters' safety if he didn't do what their father wanted. It wasn't until he met and fell in love with me, someone who saw he could be good, that he had the courage to do the right thing.

I never tried to play anyone. I wanted to be with you, but a part of me wanted to be with Jax. You and I had been through so much together, I'd gone against the Council to be with you, I didn't want to give you up. And then, after you dumped me, after I spent a week mourning, I tried to move on with him. Until you started messing with my head. Seriously, you broke my heart and yet you had the audacity to tell my new boyfriend I was your girl and you'd get me back? That fucked with my heart and it was then I knew I wanted to get back together with you. If you had just kept your jealousy in check, I would've stayed with Jax, end of story.

Hoping you understand just how thoroughly you've been schooled,

Emma

Emma,

Ever notice when my old personality started to deteriorate? It was when Jax showed up and made it a point to ruin my life. From getting me in trouble with your dad to constantly reminding me of how inferior I am because I'm human to stealing my girlfriend, he went out of his way to make me feel like shit all the time. You don't think I already felt inferior before he showed up? Sure, I hate magic, always have, always will, but I was always open about how vulnerable it made me feel to know I couldn't protect you. If you'd bothered to read between the lines, that might have sounded something like, "I know I'm not good enough for you."

Mia has never made me feel like I'm not good enough for her. She told me what the spider seal did, too, once I calmed down enough to listen, and it makes sense. I'd had a whole year of being stepped on, treated like a doormat by your previously attractive boyfriend. I'd had enough. He has a bad home life? So do I. Rob's a total dick, Mel's only sane because she has Jonathan to support her, and who knows how much therapy Tom will need once he catches on to everything going on around him. So, what, Jax's actions are excusable because he has a shitty father, but mine aren't even though mine left?

Well, Emma, what can I say? I did love you. I tried, anyway. I don't know, I think we just didn't work. But that's why I said all that stuff to Jax. I wasn't over you; I only broke up with you because you lied to me, plus I had an inkling you'd been sneaking around with the Australian. I guess it's a good thing I did all that stuff, though, because if we hadn't gotten back together, Mia would've been trying to get with Jax when she came here, and that wouldn't have been good for anyone. As fucked up as shit at IHS has become, things worked out for the four of us.

This is the most I've ever written in my life,

Daniel

Daniel,

So your insecurity was my fault? I told you repeatedly I wouldn't care if you were ugly, and that I didn't care about you being a non-magical creature; I liked you for you. You could hardly say the same—you wanted me to not have my powers so I'd be "normal." Do you know what that felt like, to love someone so much and know the only way he'd return your feelings was if you weren't even yourself? I admit I should've just broken up with you to be with Jax, but I wasn't ready to lose you in that way. The very idea hurt too much.

I'm not saying Jax's actions are excusable. Before he moved here, he had a lot of vices—drugs, sleeping around, extremely reckless use of magic… The difference between the two of you is that he's now changed for the better. You have Mia now; she wants nothing to do with me or Jax, so why can't you just be happy with her and leave us alone?

For the first time in a year and a half, I have to agree with you. I don't even know what Mia would've done for a plan if I'd been with Jax back then—he would've smelled her, and she would've hated him.

Wondering when these letters became less biting,

Emma

Emma,

Yes, my insecurity was your fault, because actions speak louder than words. You didn't even tell me Jax was a wizard, something that I clearly should've been worried about. You were bonding with him over illegal spells behind my back, growing closer to someone who had every intention of getting in your pants. Andi told me your clone kissed him the night of our anniversary dinner. How was that supposed to make me feel, that even on a night so significant in our relationship, there was a part of you that couldn't care less about anything besides getting laid by another guy? You could tell me whatever you wanted, Emma; your actions showed me all I needed to know. And I acted accordingly, like an insecure, jealous loser.

Emma, can you really tell me Jax is happier this way? He has a squashed muffin for hair and lives under your coffee table stuttering, "Uh-uh," at all hours of the day. Is it a rule or something that being an asshole means you look good and being nice means you look bad? Well, clearly not, if I'm to take your appearance as—sorry. Force of habit.

To answer your question, I like myself this way. I have a sense of humor—tell the truth: can you ever recall me laughing once when we were together? I can't. I was literally dead inside, Emma. And much like IHS, Miami in general has gone to shit. My mom is dealing with the fallout of being a single parent, sometimes that deadbeat Rick shows up drunk and she has to put up with him for the night, Rob's nerd friends are constantly trying to perv on Mia and Andi, Rob's football buddy Cole is legit stalking me, Andi is fucking my ex-rival's dad and overshares way too much, literally none of us are going to college or have any sort of future whatsoever… I need some sort of coping mechanism. And given everything that went down between us, paired with your and Jax's new… appearances, well, you tend to be an easy target. Especially after all you put Andi through.

Mia's plan in that scenario probably would've still been me, only instead of breaking up with you, I would've been trying to get you back (again). This of course would've provoked Jax, and then he probably would've beaten me up. There's a slight chance I'm getting a little buzzed from the weed I just stole off Rob, so I'll say this now since I never would any other time: I still can't believe I tried to fight him. Did I want to die? Which makes me wonder: does he still have big arm muscles, or are they fading away with his will to live? Serious question; I try not to look at him these days, and Diego's hardly a reliable source when it comes to describing Jax's appearance.

Seriously considering becoming an author,

Damiel (heh, get it, like DAAAAAMN, DANIEL, but just—Damiel? Told you I'm fuckin hilarious now!)

Daniel,

Okay, I have to address this. Our "anniversary" date? That was my birthday, Daniel. My Sweet 16. We had only been together for about four months at that time. I never understood if you were trying to celebrate my birthday by calling it something else since you know I don't like to celebrate my birthday, or if you somehow got the dates mixed up, but apparently you were legit just entirely off. Were you smoking weed even back then when you were a goody two shoes?

I know you don't understand magic (not trying to be a bitch, just… you don't), so let me clarify: the cloning spell takes one part of a witch's personality and amplifies it. My evil clone is who Andi saw kissing Jax. She only liked him, and my nerdy clone only liked you. So it's not like all of me wanted to cheat on you, and it's not like all of me wanted to fall on my living room floor and hold onto your leg and beg you to take me back.

Clones aside, okay, yeah, I was sneaking around with Jax. Nothing ever happened until you and I were broken up, but yes, I was meeting up with another guy in secret and I lied to you when I said he was just a friend. I'm sorry.

Second time I'm agreeing with you: yeah, we just didn't work. Sure, we both could have done some things differently, but when it comes right down to it, I think that I was meant to be with Jax, and you were meant to be with Mia, and no matter how hard the two of us tried to make us work, it just wasn't going to happen. Maybe in another life, if I was a human, or you were a wizard… I don't think those things matter—love exists completely outside prejudice; just look at Diego and Maddie before… you know—but I do think they played a part in our downfall. We were too different for that whole "opposites attract" concept to apply.

Can I honestly tell you Jax is happier living under my coffee table? No. But don't mix up events here: his changing to become a better person and Jake having sex with his ex-frenemy are two totally separate events. Jax was happy all of junior year. It wasn't until late September of this school year when Andi… officially started not-dating his father that things went south for his appearance and life.

I know this will sound weird, but maybe since we're having decent communication and clarifying some stuff, we won't act so hostile toward each other anymore? I'm not suggesting we be friends or anything, and to tell you the truth, your zoomed in pictures of my face don't hurt my feelings, they just piss me off, but maybe now you won't feel the need to take so many of them? I mean, you did mention Mia helps you sleep at night; maybe you can put in some effort in the bedroom to cope with the hellhole that is Iridium High/Miami? And if you do that, maybe I won't feel the need to make as many comments about your sophomore year non-haircut? Just a thought.

Wait, what did I "put Andi through"? We grew apart, she got closer to you, became best friends with Mia, and started insulting me on social media. And now she's ruined my sex life by having a sex life with my boyfriend's dad. Not sure what I did to her.

About Jax: yes, his arm muscles are still impressive. Not that I ever get to see them these days…

Admittedly slightly amused by High!Miler,

Emma

Emma,

First of all, I'm changing my Twitter display name to High!Miler and telling Andi if she changes it I'll burn all her butt plugs. That's genius.

Second, are you kidding me? I took you to Twilight: On Ice for your birthday and it wasn't even for your birthday? Shit, Shirley, I would've cheated on me at that point.

Third… was not expecting an apology. Thank you. This sounds odd to say nowadays, but I forgive you.

I think we could make being civil-er work. Well, providing we're ever again permitted to use verbal communication and not just written. Damn, guess K-tuck knew what he was doing after all, making us write letters to each other. Come to think of it, maybe we should only talk through letters; seeing you in person brings out my inner #lankydanky.

You should write Andi a letter asking what you did to her. That's not my can of worms to open, and I'm sure you'll have to work through five layers of her Man D persona before she gives you anything to work with, but it's worth a shot. Not to get in touch with my feminine side like Gigi's cameraman or anything, but it's actually been nice writing to you. Can't speak for you, but I feel like some old wounds I didn't even realize were still open have been healed. It could be nice for you and Andi to have that same experience.

As far as your coping method suggestion goes, I happen to be perfectly adequate in the bedroom. If I really want to focus on improving some aspect of my relationship with Mia, I should work on not breaking the TV again. I think I will; that'll boost her mood by at least seven percent. Now I feel the need to return the favor and improve your relationship somehow. I think I have an idea…

From,

Daniel

Daniel,

1. Can you believe Tucker lifted our punishment?! I must admit, I've come to enjoy these written exchanges, but I'm looking forward to spending my time on other things, which brings me to…

2. I don't know what you had Andi say to Jax, but SHE FIXED HIM! He took a shower last night and everything, and even asked me to join him for another one afterwards! Thanks to you, I had sex for the first time in months! Never thought that would be a sentence! And Jax looks good again! He even slept in my bed with me last night! He got his mojo back! Thank you, Daniel!

Gratefully,

Emma

Emma,

Did you see Mia's latest Instagram post?! She's so proud of me for not breaking the TV two days in a row, she's making me TWO lasagnas! One to eat at home; one to pack up for school lunches! My miler has never been this excited!

You know, I used to think you and I were meant to be a couple. Then I thought we were meant to be enemies. But now, I think we're meant to be… well, decent to each other.

Wishing you a lifetime of lasagna,

Daniel