A/N – the inspiration for this one shot came from a drawing Nikitajuice had done a month or so ago called Breaking Jacob. I know the picture was a depiction of how she felt about the upcoming Breaking Dawn movie but my mind went to a different place with it. In case you can't access the link, the picture was a drawing of Jake crying with his hand over his heart which was bleeding through his shirt. This is OC Jake and although it takes place in the future, his memories start from the mountain top during Eclipse. I hope you enjoy it and if you want to see her work it is located on .com.
Warning – Story does contain some crude language – you are warned.
Disclaimer – I own nothing Twilight. I just like to play with the characters.
My chest burns as the air is forced deep into my lungs suppressing my voice and tears for a few brief moments while I force my human body to its limit in an effort to reach my final destination.
When I finally reach this special place just as the sun rises over the mountainous terrain of my home town, I'm filled with a sense of peace. This was the place I once called home, a place my heart had found peace, love and a sense of family. However with that came heartbreak. After just one short year all that changed and the only thing that remains is the memory which I fall back on once every year since that day.
I stand upon iced wet ground, my feet bare, the soles raw from the long run it took me to get here and my body aching with extreme fatigue. I'm out of breath but only for a moment, for in that brief moment my mind and body are at peace.
This sense of peace and tranquility was what I clung to like the very air I took in to retain life, for it is in that peaceful state that my mind was numb to the outcomes of my visit and the implications of how I would feel once I arrived and came face to face with the turning point of my life.
I knew the importance of this day, what it represented, how it made me feel and how much my heart bleed each year I did this to myself, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help the need that burned deep within me to feel that fleeting passion I felt in that pivotal moment in my young life. After that day nothing in my life seemed to matter, the earth stood still, my emotions ran through me like wildflowers in a field and my fate was sealed all in one brief intimate moment shared between two destined lovers.
The thought of her, the way her hair whipped in the wind, the way her face became flush with the brightest of crimson red as she screamed my name and forced me to step away from my fate and back into her gravitational pull just so she could cheat me out of what she promised was more debilitating each year I relived it. Some call it punishment while others closure but to me, it was the only way I could see her, feel her, know that what I felt that day was more than merely the hormones of an overgrown child.
It had been five years since she kissed me and not just any kiss, it was the kiss that changed everything. I knew she felt the connection just like I had. The feeling was beyond anything I had ever felt before. It surpassed true love, unconditional love and utter devotion. It was fate. We became one in the same that day. My heart, soul and body imprinted on the very fabric of her being and although she fought it, she knew it was a force to be reckoned with. I left her on that mountain top in denial but with a sense of peace that I wouldn't put myself in harms way.
I watched as she walked back into the arms of the man I despised, loathed and wished I could rip apart from the very second I met him, his body chilling her to the bone but somehow warming her heart.
With every ounce of will, I forced myself to leaving because I was fighting for her right to live or at least I thought. I ripped, shredded and clawed my way through so many of his kind I lost count. When the battle was over the first thing I thought of was her. I thought that if I proved I was more of a man than he, she would see past his glamour and take her rightful place by my side. I thought if she stayed within my light, his darkness would no longer hold such power over her but I was sadly mistaken.
Unfortunately, in my clouded state I hadn't noticed there was one looming loose end left and as a result, it charged head on and came into contact with one of my pack members. I being the strongest of the lot, or at least at the time thought so, assisted and caught the brunt of his unimaginable strength.
I clung to my chest in pain, the bones continuously shifting and protruding through my skin, the burning and stingy more painful than ever before and all I could think of was her. That if I died here at least I knew I hadn't died in vain.
She came to see me that night and I have to say the pain that filled my body became numb at the sight of her. My hearing was acute and I could hear her heart racing as she moved closer to me bedside, her obvious guilt over my injuries apart but more than just friendly. Through my pain I turned and waited for my reward. I waited to hear I had finally proved myself worthy of her but alas, the final blow hit like a Tsunami and the pain of her removal from my life was more than every broken bone in my body.
I thought it best not to fight because her mind was set. It was in that moment that I vowed to never love for another the way I loved her. There was no way I could. She had only an inkling as to what imprinting was and although it was obvious on the mountain, I assumed not being of Quileute descent it was easier for her to deny.
That day marked the end of Jacob and Bella. It was the day my heart ripped from my chest and crawled behind her pleading for a second chance. I became a shell of myself, a zombie and almost comparable to the grim reaper of a man she chose to marry.
Her wedding invitation infuriated me. I couldn't fathom why she would choose to be with someone soulless, heartless and cold when she could have someone like me. I had been there for her when she was at her lowest and brought her back into the world of the living only to lose her once again to that same fate. This thought made me blind with rage and the longer I stayed, the angrier I got.
I spoke with my father the morning of her wedding and explained my need to leave. He was adamant that I couldn't survive on my own and that I would be hurting not only him but the pack as well but I didn't listen. I didn't care if anyone else hurt because in my mind no one could hurt more than me. They didn't see this gapping whole where my heart used to beat, they didn't sweat through countless nightmares of hurt filled dreams of a future that would never come nor did they feel like they were a caged beast on the verge of utter destruction so who were they to judge. I stormed out of the house, my father yelling for me to think it through but I didn't hear nor acknowledge his pleas. I needed to be free of her, this life, this animal and on some levels this existence.
Today marked the fifth anniversary of my return. I was still nowhere near ok or even fully accepting of the path I had chosen to lead but it seemed to keep me numb long enough to survive. I cut all communications with my pack, family and Bella. I denied my inner wolf the pleasure of phasing and even now I wasn't sure I could.
I hoped that with each visit, the pain would become so minuet that eventually I could return home with ease however each time I visited, the wound reopened exposing my lifeless heart to the travesties bestowed upon me.
I fell to my knees at the edge of the mountain, my eyes filling with tears over what had happened, what could have happened and what will never happen. The harsh reality becoming so overwhelming my whole body trembled with a mixture of anger, hate and despair. I wondered if my ancestors meant for any of this to happen. Did they know I was destined to live this life, loveless and imprint less? Would this have been my chosen path or was this fate's sick way of fucking with me? Either way it didn't matter. Nothing could change my fate. It was something I had to deal with and although being away from it helped, coming back always made it seem like the wound would never go away, not without her in my arms.
My hands formed fists beside me, my muscles flexing as I forced the pain out of my heart and into my hands that slammed into the cold wet ground beside me. I hit the ground repeatedly with my fists forcing all the anger, rage, hurt and heartbreak out of my body hoping it would help ease the pain of her dismissal. Each jab caused my knuckles to crack and bleed, the cold ice only burning me further with its artic chill and the ground causing my bones to crack with the extreme pressure of my force upon it.
After my hands could take no more, I leaned back on my heels, my chest heaving with great distress and my head pounding with images of my life had things been different. It wasn't healthy to feel this way, to walk through life as if a part of you was missing. It enraged me that she could do this to me, that is was so easy for her to walk away from me, from us and from her family. Was she truly heartless and if so then she deserved that miserable piece of soulless matter she married.
No, she wasn't heartless, her eyes, her mannerisms, the way her lip quivered when she told me she didn't love me the way I loved her, all these small gestures told me they were mere words with no true feeling behind them. She denied me her heart because the illusion of him was too grand to deny.
My wishful thinking brought me nothing but heartache but still I clung to it with hope. I couldn't continue my life full of nothingness. I needed the other half of my heart. I needed her rhythm to revive me and make me the man I was meant to be. This was her destiny and the longer she denied it, the more pain I felt.
The cold air filtered through my lungs, its burning chill forcing me from my tormented thoughts and back to my present state. My eyes gazed upon the beauty of my home and for a second I almost felt warm and tempted to see if I could phase if only for a moment. I had denied everything because of her and for her. Once she became one of them I knew I would have to kill her and so besides my aching heart, I left so I wouldn't have to choose. As much as it killed me not to be chosen, I could never take her life because if I had, it would force me to take my own as well.
I rose to my feet, my mind firm that I had fulfilled my quest and was ready to head back to the emptiness of my life. When I turned to walk away, my eyes gazed upon what could only be described as a ghost, my mind playing a sick game as it forced my eyes to see a person that I knew could never truly be there, not in the flesh at least.
My body began to tremble, the feeling familiar as my bones started to ache as they threatened to contort in an effort to bring forth the wolf. I denied my beast his request. I didn't want to give this illusion any reason to fear or retreat. I closed my eyes, breathing heavily through my nose and out through my mouth until my body simmered. I tried to remind myself she wasn't real however, the more I breathed in, the more my senses were invaded by her sweet scent of strawberry mixed with a light scented perfume.
I shook my head denying what I smelt, denying that this was anything more than just some fucked up mind trip and above all, denying the warmth that started to penetrate my heart at the thought that it was truly her standing just off into the distance toying with me.
I slowly lifted my head and noticed she was still standing there, her body never flinching, reluctant or scared in any way. I moved towards her, her body frozen like stone yet her eyes, her eyes looked both shocked and tired. She looked similar to how I looked the first few years, weathered, beaten and lonely.
I fought my bodies urge to reach out to her, cradle her in my arms like I had done countless times before. It was strange how old habits lie dormant but spring to life at the mere sight of her. As much as I wanted to deny she existed and that I could get over her, I really never had. I relived these moments, harmful and devastating because I had to believe they weren't for nothing. I had to believe eventually she would come back however, I never really knew what I would do if and when she did.
Her arm reached out to me, her words fragile and soft when she spoke "Jake you're bleeding."
My instincts kicked in and I took a step back, my eyes retreating to the floor, my hands balling into fists beside me as her openly sincere insight caused me to rumble with anger. My mind's anger played like a broken record while my heart pinched with a need that was hard to deny. This inner turmoil was too much for even my strong stature to withstand.
I fell to my knees, my hand instinctually covering over my chest, my hand sensing a warm texture oozing over my shirt and onto my fingertips instantly. I looked down, the tears flooding my eyes, my lip open and quivering as I respond, my body conveying what my heart has felt for years since she left but now only becoming noticeable because of a deep gash just below my left peck where my fractured heart resided. "My heart bleeds for you"
"Jake please I…"
I couldn't allow her to finish because I wasn't done. If she really was here and this was my only chance to let it all out, I was going to do so no matter how much it killed me.
"Do you know what it's like to go through life with no emotions? Do you know what it's like to feel like you are missing something that is so pivotal to your existence that without it your life becomes meaningless? Do you Bella? I questioned as I forced my eyes upward to look deep into hers as I continued.
The tone of my voice started to rise as the anger threatens to seep through my plea for understanding and acceptance.
"Do you understand what it means when the one person that has been chosen by you, for you and is suppose to be with you denies you? Do you know what it feels likes to have your heart ripped from your chest so that all that's left is a hole which can never be filled except by the one who denies it even exists? This is my life, my pain without you. This is why my heart bleeds because the sight of you brings me such hope that you've come back to me, CHOSEN ME! This is my way of showing you how much you mean to me and how much your denial of our love and friendship has utterly destroyed me. Now you see the truth, now you see how my body, my very soul pleads for the return of my heart."
The tears fall heavily from her eyes, her body trembles but her stare never leaving mine as she falls to her knees right in front of me. I flinch when I notice her arm extend and her hand come close to my body. I fear any contact would destroy what little I've rebuilt and learned to live with since I left. Her hand pulls back but then her will forces it upon my chest. I watch its movements as it trails down and pulls my shirt from within my jeans. The warmth of her hand rides back up my chest pulling my shirt with it and the feeling of her soft skin on mine is undeniable.
My mind and body are at war now, my mind screaming to push her away and deny her like she had me while my heart or what's left of it, says just enjoy the moment for it might be fleeting. I was always one to allow my heart to override my mind and on some level, that's what got me to the state I was presently in but I couldn't deny my desire, my need to be loved and wanted by my imprint, no one could.
Her hand reaches the gash in my side, my eyes flinch at the pain of her cold hands on my torn flesh. Her eyes in turn scrunch up at the truth before her eyes. I couldn't have planned this cut any better. I hadn't felt it until now which ironically was the best time to feel it. Apparently while running, my shirt and skin got caught on one of the sharp frozen branches and torn both my flesh and shirt at once. Up until now I felt a slight tingle but nothing like the throbbing sensation pulsating through my veins now at her touch.
"I never meant to hurt you" she whispers, her hand moving off my chest and into her coach pocket. "I loved you…I mean I love you. I never stopped."
Her hand came back towards my chest, a tissue laced within her fingertips but I was quick to stop her, my eyes still not meeting hers as I questioned her sincerity, "Then why did you deny me?" my voice, firm and desperate yet laced with longing and a need to know the truth.
She sighed deeply, her arm pulling away from my grasp and falling into her lap to meet the other. She toyed with the tissue for a moment and as if she regained her courage, she moved my eyes up back up from the snow filled ground so she caught my full attention when she responded, "Because I didn't know what was good for me. I didn't know what I truly needed until it was lost to me. I never thought you would leave. I never thought I would have to live without you until I was forced to. I thought…" her voice lost behind the whimpers that forced themselves from her lips as her eyes shifted downward and her hands rustled with the tissue between her fingers.
The tears never faltered and her body was trembling now and as much as I wanted to hold her, I refrained. I was still bitter over her quick disregard of me in years past and although I would forgive her because the imprint gave me no choice, I still couldn't fight the anger I felt over the situation.
"I thought I would always have you in my life. I didn't think that I would lose my best friend just because the feelings weren't reciprocated in the same way."
"It had nothing to do with that" I hissed. The anger building and building like a Jenga tower, each selfish word she uttered was like a player pulling the wrong piece and causing my will to break and unleash all the pain I had endured without her.
"I know that now. I understand why you left. I'm not asking for your forgiveness but I was hoping maybe we could start again. I love you Jake more than anything and I'm sorry it took me this long to see it but I guess the point was that I finally did. I know it doesn't take the pain away but I hope you will give me the chance to heal those wounds. I want to make this right. I want to be with you. I chose you."
I had longed to hear those three words since that day on the mountain. I wanted her to break from our kiss hopelessly in love with me and although our souls were bound with that kiss, her heart was not. One part of me wanted to agree and allow her back in while the other remained guarded; protecting what shred of balls I had left to claim as my own. If I accepted, I would be sanctioning all she had done and if I denied, I would continue on a path to utter destruction. Not one wolf could survive without their imprint and I was no acceptation, alpha or not.
I pulled away from her, rose to my feet and turned to face the open air ahead of me. My mind was conflicted, my body in pain and my soul pleading all for different reasons. It was like I was on a torture stretcher, my arms and legs being pulled apart like a rubber band in all different directions. I couldn't deny I needed her but could I stand another rejection? Could I stand to lose her again? Doubt was a putrid thing and it was one that continuously plagued every decision I had and will make. When it came down to it could I trust her? Could I believe that she truly had chosen me? These were the answers I needed and deserved.
"Why should I? Why should I believe you Bella? You made me believe you loved me and then when I'm at my weakest, you tell me it will never be me. How am I to be sure this is not some sick game you and Cullen are playing on me?"
"Jake please…" she calls out from behind me, her voice fleeting, her whimpers loud enough to echo throughout the stone that surrounds us.
"Tell me the truth. Tell me right now why I should trust you."
I felt the warmth of her hands on my back, their trembling and hesitation a clear indications she feared her answer wouldn't be enough. That alone made me skeptical but I was waiting with baited breath to hear her out.
"After that night when I visited you, I went back to Edward and when I fell asleep in his arms that night, I didn't feel it. There was no warmth, no spark, just nothingness and that's when I knew I was in love with the idea of him but not him as a man. I was glamoured by his looks and charm but that's all it was. With you its different, it's almost like second nature to love you. There is no effort, no convincing and no pressure. I just feel it. I feel it when I touch, see, hear and think of you. I guess you could say it was as easy as breathing. I love you Jacob Ephraim Black and I hope that with time you will learn to love me too" she replied, her soft lips kissing the top of my shoulders.
My eyes closed at the feel of her skin on mine. It was a feeling I longed for, craved and ultimately desired like no other. I wished that things had been different. I wished she would've seen it sooner but would I continue to chastise her for her mistakes which would only lead to more pain on both sides? The predicament I was in was a double edge sword and I was tired of feeling this way. Should I deny what we both need to satisfy my inner desire for revenge? Could I truly make her feel the pain I endured knowing I would relive it all over again with her?
I turned and noticed she was walking away, her head hung low and her hands cradled around her chest. I decided in that moment that I wouldn't allow her to walk out of my life. If she was truly in love with me, I would feel it and it would feeling just like the day on the mountain when I imprinted on her.
I sprinted towards her, pulled her arm and swung her around, catching the front of her body into my chest. I laced one arm around her waist while my other hand came up and brought her sunken head up from the ground. I lowered my lips onto hers, that metaphoric spark igniting instantly once our lips touched. The feeling was mutual as she quivered within my grasp in one moment and the next, her arms were coming over my shoulders and her hands were wrapping around my neck forcing me closer to her.
It was in that moment that my heart quaked within my chest. The rhythm that had been lost to me for so long had returned and with its return, the warmth of the love I once knew. I whispered the only words I could conjure and the only words I knew she would understand without explanation "No matter what".
She smiled up at me before claiming my lips within her own. She knew I had never stopped nor would I ever stop loving her. I knew we had a bumpy road ahead and that our instant connection couldn't wipe the past away in one fail swoop but I was hopeful and that was something both new and exciting for the both of us. We knew that no matter what happened our love would always bring us back together so I held firm in that belief and somehow I knew everything would work out. It had and always will be just her as I, no matter what.