For me, things have always made sense. I never once questioned anything. But now. . . .? I question everything, from the simplest things to the overly unthought-of type of things. Maybe to make things less confusing I'll start from the beginning.

I was conceived by a seventeen year old girl and a thirty-seven year old man, weird and sad but completely true. Thing is my mom, Renee has always been a flighty dare devil, who in the end will always run from things and be a 'free spirited person'. She had seduced, Charlie, my biological father. She'd always refer to it as her new 'challenge'. Thing was it wasn't easy because he was married with kids of his own. She used her light brown, well trimmed hair, perfect caramel eyes, and long sexy legs to capture his eye. Renee had done all her research on him and for her the hard part was figuring out how she could be near him long enough to make an impression. She applied for the summer position at the local sheriffs' station as a receptionist.

Things got sticky when she started falling in love with his dark haired charm. 'And it didn't help that there was this strong appeal to a man on the force, carrying around a weapon' she would say. She knew that the feelings she harbored for him wouldn't be returned because all she was to him was the 'other women' not the one he 'loved', not the one he stood by in the end. When my mother found out she was going to have me she took it as a blessing and a burden but knew she couldn't stay in the small town of Forks any longer.

She had done the right thing and told him about their baby but had made it clear she was going to leave before the end of the month. Charlie didn't have much of a choice but to tell his wife of the news and his misshapen with Renee. Even though he didn't plan on raising me he did plan on helping out and being there when needed. His wife Diana had only one request that I never come stay in their home. In the end she was fine with it all she just didn't want to see my face and be reminded each time that her husband wasn't faithful after all they had been through and shared.

Renee was right, in less than a month she was all settled in a small apartment in Arkansas. Arkansas be came my home, it's were I was born and wear I grew up. Even now to this very day I have the Arkansas accent, it's a bit sassy and twangy some people say. Some even see it as a kind of Texas draw.

I was about 15 and half when my mom met and married Phil. He had seemed like a great guy at the time, funny and charming. He was 'that' kind of guy. He was very young and a businessman. Put that all together and it's the perfect guy for Renee, or at least the kind she was always into. But maybe that was the problem. Maybe all the guys she wanted and described were the 'wrong guys'. It seemed that way too. Then again it could be due to the fact that he was young. Or I'm making excuses, I thought.

Phil was a businessman which meant he moved around a lot. Right after they were married we had to move to Phoenix, Arizona. Renee and Phil's marriage started going down hill from there, and fast. Phil started staying out late and it was no doubt infidelity was the cause. As for Renee she was hardly ever there. She used the money he was making to invest in many projects that would end in failure. Alcohol started being a coping source for Phil. One Friday night a friend was over helping me in math and Phil stumbled in drunker than I've ever seen him before. I stood up immediately and had assured my friend everything would be fine just to hurry and go. But before she could get away Phil had us both trapped. I knew that this night would affect the rest of my life, so I didn't fight it and I kept my eyes closed and silently prayed.

My mother came home the next day with Phil passed out and me unconscious. She called the policy. When I woke up was confused. Everything from the night before came rushing back to me and I realized my best friend was no where to be found. I had panicked and started to scream because there was a reason she wasn't here. She was gone. He killed her and I had survived. But I guess the guilt is my punishment. But why? I had asked myself.

After loads of therapy over a course of weeks I had realized it would always be there a part of me. Phil was charged for rape and murder as well as a lot of other things. While this all went down I tried getting back into school, but it was hard. The things people were saying were getting to me. I started going into a deeper depression and stopped running Track, stopped turning in work, and all together forgot about school. I had been in this deep trance for so long I didn't notice I had missed my period, to be honest I wasn't noticing much. But my mom was.

She had taken me to the doctors for a 'check up'. The doctor started asking me questions and that's when I realized it. Mom knew it, he knew and I knew it.

I was going to have a baby. This wasn't what I thought about growing up. This is far from any plans I had. But it turned out after a couple months when I went to find the sex of the baby that there was another in there that had been hiding. Twins. It was starting to become a nightmare, I swear.

When I finally went into labor I couldn't wait to have these babies out of me and hand them over to the nice couple willing to adopt from me. But after 13 whole agonizing hours in labor I couldn't turn my back on them. All it took was one look. I loved them. I knew what it felt like to love someone like a mom or cousin or a friend, but this was different it wasn't that 'family' love or that 'in love' love but that mother son bond. And there was to of them. All the more to love. It was heartbreaking to even think about letting them go. The Jenkins understood what I was going through and they were very cooperative when I decided to keep the twins.

Caden Payton Swan: born on April 17th at 11:48 P.M. in Phoenix Memorial Hospital

Colton Cooper Swan: born on April 18th at 12:04 A.M. in Phoenix Memorial Hospital

I had buckled up Caden and Colton in to the back seat before getting into the passenger side. My mom set off on the road and when I noticed we weren't heading home I asked why. She had explained that both she and the doctor had agreed that it would be best if I go stay with Grandma Swan. Who happened to stay a couple a blocks from a nice high school and in the other direction Charles stayed ten to fifteen minutes away from her.

It was a tearful good bye but even I knew it was for the best. As I settled down on the plane that's when I started to 'question life'.

Was the affair between Charles and Renee meant to be or was it just the pregnancy? Did my mom always fall for the wrong guys on purpose or was it by chance? Was I meant to be at home with a friend when Phil decided to get drunk? Was it fate for Colton and Caden to be brought into this world? I never had been too religious. In fact I'm not sure I knew too much about God himself. But there were two things I did know 1.) I was going to change that and 2.) I may or may not answer any of these questions but I will find who I'm meant to be and what destiny has in store. I will find out who I am?