A/N: So, I'm not sure how long this is going to be, but probably just a few chapters. Basically, it's bothered me for a while that they often tend to only show the 'fluff' of Captain Swan (and I love fluff as much as the next person) after a problem has arisen, and I feel like they've glossed over what would be some pretty major issues, particularly with Emma's fragile trust. I've never really seen anyone write what I believe would actually have happened after season 4a, when Killian gets his heart back, and while I can't say that this is any better, this is more along the lines of what I think might have happened. And don't worry, we all know they're back to being happy in 4b, so this will have a happy ending. But there were six weeks in between... ;)

Enjoy!

As Emma shoved his heart back in his chest, relief – and a thousand other chained emotions – rushed through Killian. He couldn't hear a word she was saying, and he couldn't help himself when he cut her off. He wanted Emma with every fibre of his being, though he settled for capturing her lips in a deep kiss and moving her against the wall. His body mere centimeters from her own, his heart racing in a way he had almost forgotten it could. Heat burned through him from the passion of their kiss, and he wanted nothing more than to remain in this moment for the rest of his life.

But that was an impossibility, and he also knew himself well enough to know that if they continued this much longer, it would be far harder to stop. And while Emma's smile when he gently broke off the kiss told him that she was too drowned in relief – for the moment – to question him, he also knew the emotion would die off. And then her relief would be replaced by anger.

"I told you, Swan. I'm a survivor." The words came naturally, though he knew they contradicted the events of this evening. Yes, he had survived, but he had also come so close to the edge that it hardly counted. But, still, he had kept his promise to Emma Swan. The promise he had made that night, in the middle of the street, when she'd finally admitted that she was afraid to lose him.

Not only that. That she couldn't lose him. It had warmed his heart in a way he had barely thought possible, to know that someone needed him again. And he'd almost broken that promise, due to his own stupidity.

Killian tried to push back the guilt that flooded him at the thought, reminding himself that he was still here. But he could almost hear Emma's next question, and knew that he would have to answer it when it came. What happened? How did Gold get your heart?

But for the moment, when she leaned in and kissed him again, he couldn't bring himself to pull away.

It took longer than expected for Emma to ask the questions he knew would come eventually. Though, on reflection, Killian supposed it made sense for her to revel in his 'not being dead' rather than pounding him with questions right away. Besides, it clearly hadn't crossed her mind to blame him for anything. Everything pointed to Gold, and while Killian's guilt had initially led him to believe that she would immediately find fault with him…it hadn't occurred to him that he could hide the truth if he wanted. She never need know that his own actions had caused a good portion of his pain. That his own actions had almost caused her to lose another person she'd entrusted her heart too. He wouldn't tell her.

You told her you would win her heart without any trickery, his conscience reminded him. This counts as trickery.

Oh, how Killian missed the days when that little voice was silent. Or, some parts of those days. He tried to tell himself that he'd already won Emma's heart, and so all bets were off. But he knew that Emma Swan was not so easily conquered. Not that conquered would ever be a word to describe the feisty blonde – and he would have it no other way. Still, the thought of her anger, of once again having to hear the woman he loved tell him that she couldn't trust him…it was heart wrenching. And so he stretched the truth, when her curiosity eventually got the better of her. Just a little.

Alright, a lot.

"Killian, why did Gold need your heart? And…how did he take it?" Emma asked a few days after the event, sitting with her legs propped up on the desk at the Sheriff's station. Her eyes moved to meet his, and she popped an onion ring in her mouth, chewing slowly as she waited for his answer.

Killian bit his lip, having expected the question any time, but somehow not…now. His eyes immediately averted themselves from hers, which he knew to be a mistake. He could see Emma tense in his peripheral vision, and he inwardly cursed himself for such a dead giveaway. Clenching his jaw, he forced himself to meet her eyes.

"He took it the night he tried to…" Killian trailed off for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "The night you tried to give away your magic. I came after you, and he used his magic to disable me, before taking my heart. I thought…I assumed he bloody well planned to crush it, though I couldn't for the life of me figure out why he chose that moment." Killian's words were honest, as he told as much of the truth as he could without slipping into any danger zones. "But, as I learned, he needed the heart of someone who'd known him before he was the dark one, in order to free himself from the dagger. That was the ceremony you saw him performing, before Belle managed to stop it."

"And a good thing too," Emma said, giving him a smile. It seemed that whatever moment of doubt she'd had, it had been dispelled on hearing the truth. Or as much truth as Killian could manage. Reaching out, Emma took his hand. "I almost lost you. I…" she trailed off, and Killian wanted to push her to continue, but he knew it wouldn't be fair to ask for her truth when he was unwilling to give his own.

"I've told you a hundred times, love. I'm a survivor. I'm not going anywhere." His smile was half hearted, but he hoped Emma wouldn't notice.

Of course, that was a foolish hope. If he could read Emma like an open book, she had at least the same ability when it came to him.

"What's wrong? What aren't you telling me?" Her question sounded simply confused, not accusing, but he could read the undertone of suspicion in her voice. He knew it came from the walls he had yet to break down, the immediate distrust of anyone close to her, but the small accusation still hurt. Even if it was completely deserved.

"Nothing, Swan. I'm just…relieved that you managed to save the day. Again." He made sure not to completely meet her eyes as he spoke the words, and while it took her a moment, she finally nodded.

"It comes with the job. I'm literally the savior, after all," Emma said with a smirk, and Killian knew she was teasing him, trying to raise his spirits. He wanted to let her, but a strange heaviness – certainly from his falsehood – had descended on him.

Still, he forced a smirk. "Aye, that you are," was his simple response, and after shooting him a confused look, Emma went silent.

It took a few days, but Killian managed to bury the incident into the deep recesses of his mind, and continue in his path to win the Savior's heart. It didn't feel quite right, but he told himself it was better than losing her. After all, what would she say if she knew he almost got himself killed over the matter of regaining his hand for a night? And that he didn't come to her in the first place, after that problem, but rather 'dug himself a deeper hole' as the residents of this land would say? She certainly wouldn't be happy.

That was an understatement.

He was alone in the library a few days later – Belle having finally allowed herself a few hours to nap, after barely sleeping at all since her banishment of the dark one – when Emma wandered in. Killian didn't hear the door open, his eyes fixated on the book he was reading. He'd gone over this page a thousand times, but he felt sure he had to be missing something. He needed to figure out a way to get the fairies, and the old man, out of that hat. It was the only way his guilt would be assuaged.

"Damn it! What use am I if I can't help rescue a few bloody fairies?" He muttered under his breath. "Fairies I captured in the bloody first place." His voice was heavy with emotion, something he hadn't allowed himself to loose, choosing instead to bury it deep within.

"It wasn't your fault, it was Gold's." Emma's soft voice came from over his shoulder, and he spun around to face her, his heart racing the way it always did when she was anywhere near him. This time, though, it was as much from guilt as attraction.

Killian's jaw clenched at the same time as his fist tightened. How could he do this? As much as he felt that he had buried his guilt inside…he knew the truth was that it was eating him alive. And he was slowly coming to realize that sooner or later he would need to be honest – he might as well not draw the moment out.

Letting out a harsh breath, Killian's eyes averted from Emma's worried ones. "Perhaps, Swan," he said, forcing out the words. They were true, after all. The fairies had been Gold. But they were still his fault. "But there's…" he trailed off for a moment, before changing his words slightly. "I may not have been completely honest with you." His eyes immediately moved back to her face, scanning for the emotions he expected to flit across it. And he was not disappointed.

First confusion. Then frustration. Then a cool mask, her walls slipping back into place as she realized that once again, something had happened that she wasn't going to be happy about. Because she knew him well enough to know that he never got like this, not unless whatever he was dealing with was serious.

"Do you plan to tell me?" She asked, her words measured and even. Not quite cold, but certainly nowhere near warm.

"Aye," he responded quietly. "But not here."

Emma simply nodded, and Killian almost reached out to take her hand, but stopped at the last second. She didn't know what had happened, not yet, but he couldn't bear the thought that she might pull away anyway.

Setting down the book and marking his page, Killian stood and pulled his jacket over his shoulders, though the weather wasn't particularly deserving of the heavy coat. It made him feel safe, somehow, and inwardly he knew it was simply his own way of putting up a wall. A mask of Captain Hook that he was surprised Emma hadn't questioned him about. Before the last few days, it had been a while since he had worn his old pirate coat. But he'd felt more like Hook than Killian recently. Whether that was fair or not.

It only took a few minutes for them to reach his room at Granny's, and rather than the gentle kiss or smile that might normally greet him in such a situation…this time there was simply a cool silence. He closed the door and leaned against it, Emma having already placed herself at the foot of his bed, staring at him. Studying him, analyzing him, trying to figure out what he planned to tell her. He could see in her eyes that there was a part of her that didn't want to know, that wanted to simply live in a fantasy of peace for as long a time as was granted to them. But they both knew that was impossible. After everything they had been through, honesty was the only real way to go. And Killian knew that his initial dishonesty would perhaps hurt Emma as much as his earlier stupidity.

"Alright, talk," Emma finally said, and her abrupt words made Killian's gut churn. He took a breath, and steadied himself against the door.

"Do you recall the night of our first date, when the crocodile – "

"Gave you back your hand. What the hell does that have to do with anything?" Emma interrupted, clearly more agitated by this whole situation than even Killian had thought.

Forcing himself to unclench his fist and release a breath, Killian looked at her for a moment. "Swan, I'm trying to be honest with you. It would be much appreciated if you could bloody well refrain from interrupting."

Emma's look was completely unimpressed, and she crossed her arms over her chest. Still, she raised an eyebrow as though telling him to continue, and he did as she silently requested.

"That night…I was not entirely honest with you as to how I managed to regain my hand. I knew that the dagger the crocodile had given Belle was a fake, and I blackmailed him into returning my hand in exchange for my silence."

Emma's incredulous expression was enough to push Killian into another bout of quiet. "You've been lying to me since…our first date?" He could hear the anger in her voice, but what hurt more was the underlying sadness. And worse, the look in her eyes. As though she should have expected this, as though she had been stupid to believe that he could have been different from any of the people who had come into her life only to betray her.

His eyes drifted to the ground again, unable to see the pain in her gaze. "Aye," he responded quietly. "I wanted so desperately to be good enough for you, Swan, that I didn't consider the consequences of my actions. Gold tricked me into believing that my hand would return me to the man I was, and after landing a punch on Will Scarlet – "

"That was you?" Emma asked, her eyes widening as he moved his gaze to meet hers again. He'd forgotten that she didn't know about that. It appeared that this lie had been far more…far reaching…than even he had recalled.

"It was," he responded. "And afterwards…I went back to Gold and told him to remove it. But he'd given the real dagger back to Belle, and I had lost my leverage. He made me agree to work with him and I…accepted his deal. That's how this all began. He had a tape incriminating me in a crime, and I was too ashamed to tell you. I didn't want to lose your trust again." Killian could barely get the words out, but he knew that she deserved the full truth.

Emma's gaze was hard now, and the coldness he had been hoping never to see there was back. "And now you've lost it anyways," she said, her words firm, though he could still hear the underlying sadness in her statement. She'd clearly wanted to believe the best in him, but he'd broken her trust. Again. "Is there anything else you want to tell me, or can I go?" She stood up at this, and Killian felt as though his heart was breaking into a thousand pieces when she moved towards the door.

He caught her wrist with his hook, hating the memory of that night outside of Granny's that rushed over him as he did so. Now wasn't the time. "I tried to tell you, Swan. I called and left you a message the night that Gold planned to steal your heart."

"I never got a message." Her words were measured and cold.

"The crocodile deleted it."

"You expect me to believe that?"

Killian's breath hitched in his throat at the clear disbelief in her words. He knew Emma, and he knew that his actions had caused all his hard work, all of her walls, to shoot back up full force. Still, the sound of her complete distrust…it was even worse than he had possibly thought it could be. Especially now, when things had finally been okay between them.

His eyes lowered again, and she pulled her wrist from his hook. "I suppose not," he began quietly, "Though, it is the truth. As is everything else I told you. Gold stole my heart that night, and after that…there was nothing I could do. When you gave it back to me, I couldn't tell you. Too much had happened, and the thought of having you hate me…it was too much."

Killian's words were almost a plea, but Emma' gaze didn't soften.

"You lied to me. And you almost got yourself killed. I can't…I can't trust you anymore, Killian – " the way she said Killian, it was almost worse than having her call him Hook. It reminded him that he had changed, that he no longer had the guise of Hook to hide behind and blame for his actions. And her words sounded so…final. As though she'd given him enough second chances, and she was done with him for good. He desperately didn't want to believe that, but perhaps he truly had pushed Emma too far this time. "Trust is like a mirror. You can never fully repair the cracks, and when there are too many...it shatters." He wasn't sure if the words were something Emma had heard before, or if she'd just come up with them. But they sounded like something she chose to live by. The precept of an orphan girl who didn't let anyone in, not really.

He hadn't even noticed that she'd moved towards the door again, and he only knew that she was gone when he heard it slam shut.

To be continued...

A/N: Let me know what you think! I love hearing people's thoughts, and getting a review makes my day :)