Naruto Uzumaki- Is a damn fox-kid on narcotics with a brain tumor the size of a cup of ramen
Sasuke Uchiha- Is a fuckin' emo cynic with a duck on his head.
Sakura Haruno- Is an anorexic, duck-obssessed pink-haired slut.
Kakashi Hatake- Wears a mask because he does not want to be mobbed for his sexiness. Sasgay was not smart enough to think of such a genius idea.
Iruka Umino- The gay-ass scar on his nose makes him look like a two-year old attempted to perform plastic surguy.
Hinata Hyuuga- A purple turtle with hair that needs a speech therapist.
Kiba Inuzuka- Dog-man on steroids that gets turned on by puppy sex.
Akamaru- Is really a kiba fangirl using the transformation jutsu.
Shino Aburame- Likes his bugs because when they crawl on him they give him orgies.
Kurenai Yuuhi- Has the constant urge to stare at akamaru's ass for some reason.
Choji Akimichi- The real reason he likes food: he used to be an anorexic prostitute but he had a sex change.
Shikamaru Nara- Thinks that clouds are sexy and wants to fly up and fuck them.
Ino Yamanaka- An anorexic pig that got pissed on multiple times by the clouds because Shikamaru was fucking them too hard.
Asuma Sarutobi- Cigarettes make him horny.
Tenten- A Chinese bear-lady that enjoys sodemizing herself with weapons.
Neji Hyuuga- Is a blind, naked mole-rat with a hefty bag on his head.
Rock Lee- Thinks latex is hot and is obssessed with Gai's ass. Secret: His eyebrows are alive and speak to each other using Morse code Through Lee's giant bug-eyes.
Gai Maito- Made Lee wear latex because he enjoys watching his ass move as he walks. He thinks that Kakashi's mask is sexy and wants to fuck it.
Kankuro- Secretly makes "special" puppets because his face paintings scare away girls.
Temari- Her fan is really a giant sex toy and a moon is revealed every times she gets an orgie.
Gaara- On his very first Halloween, he wanted to be a raccoon so he used black sharpie to make raccoon eyes. That's what happened.
Baki- Covers half his face because he is half-woman. Yes, that means he has half a penis, half a vagina, and only one boob. It's scary, isn't it?
Konohamaru- He likes his vitamins a bit too much. No wonder why he always chases Naruto when he runs out.
Moegi- She's such a useless, shallow character that I don't know what to say. She's even more useless than Sakura.
Udon- He's Hayate's bastard son. They share their sickness.
Hayate Gekkou- Is a pothead which is why his eyes are saggy and he coughs a lot.
Genma- Has a very bad case of gingivitis, that's why he always has that toothpick in his mouth. For some reason he thinks that just having it is his mouth will get the food out of his teeth and make it better.
Ebisu- Wears sunglasses at night because the moon reminds him of a giant boob.
Anko Mitarashi- Her boobs are really peach-painted coconuts, that's why you never see any nipples.
Shizune- Has been smoking ever since she was 11, yeah, that's how smog comes out of her mouth. That's why you shouldn't smoke.
Tsunade- Her "medical treatments" are not necessarily what they should be.
Jiraiya- His hair is really a giant albino porcupine that he super-glued to his head when he was five.
Minato Namikaze- Uses his ability to fuck multiple girls at the same time.
Orochimaru- Likes young boys, and uses his snakes for purposes other than fighting. Poor Sasuke, I heard he got Manda.
Kabuto- Is really bald, he can't afford a wig so he wears a goose on his head.
Dosu- Is really a mummified gorilla with a voice changer. He wasn't supposed to sound like he had a stiffy, but it malfunctioned.
Zaku- Is bisexual and wants to fuck Orochimaru's snake.
Kin- Is really a man with a sex change. That's why she has no boobs and tried to rape Sakura.
Kimimaro- He can make a bone come out of his penis. I feel bad for his girlfriend.
Jirobo- Is extremely self-conscious of his weight. He joined the Sound Village because he thought the rope would tie back his fat. Its success is obvious.
Kidomaru- Spiderman's cousin. Marvel at the lack of originality.
Tayuya- Gets quite lonely being the only girl in the Sound 5, so her flute has multiple purposes.
Sakon- Has developed a serious neck crick due to Ukon constantly sticking his head out.
Ukon- Seriously screws around with his brother's insides. Can you imagine having someone's penis come out of your ass in the middle of a battle?
Haku- Is really a girl in denial because when he was eight he tried to fuck a tree and acorns fell out of it.
Zabuza- Has no eyebrows because when he attempted to wax his uni-brow he couldn't see what he was doing. His eyes were too small.
Inari- Overdosed on Zoloft, that's why he thought he could beat over 100 armed men by himself.
Itachi- He doesn't have the Sharingan, that's just the side affect from crack.
Kisame- He has attempted to sexually assault Iruka more times than he can count. (3 times)
Zetsu- The reason he is an S-Rank criminal: fucking weeds.
Deidara- Reason for unknown gender: His right hand is a girl and her left hand is a guy, therefore heshe is bisexual.
Sasori- Uses lubricant to loosen his joints.
Tobi- Was a gay whore before coming to the Akatsuki so he has adapted to the phrase, "Tobi is a good boy."
Hidan- Has a removable penis.
Kakuzu- Money gives him orgies.
Pein- Is secretly trying to be more emo than Sasuke with all his peircings