Liar
Just how many lies do I tell myself exactly? Just how much have I deluded myself?
I'm just fine by myself.
I don't need anyone.
I'm still as strong as ever.
People still like me.
People still respect me.
I'm awesome.
And there are more. Many more, I know there is. I can't go five minutes without telling myself another lie, five minutes with feeding myself more delusions that will eventually drive me mad.
I can't take it anymore.
Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if someone actually reassured me of just one, tell me that it wasn't a lie, that I'm actually right like I haven't been in a long time.
I don't want to be lonely anymore. If I could see that people were still there for me, still cared about me though I am no longer a country, I could live with my other delusions. I could cope. But no, I'm alone, and that doesn't seem like it will change anytime soon.
I've been getting a little stronger recently, but not for a reason that will gain back the respect I used to command from the rest of the world. I'm a micronation now. A fucking micronation. I'm still not worth anyone's time. Even my baby brother thinks me a burden and a waste of space, I know he does. He could be using his basement for better things, like storage, instead of using it to house his deadbeat, useless, annoying, arrogant bum of a brother. I've heard him complain to others before. I sneak up to the doors of the meetings so I can keep informed and see how well Lutz is doing, knowing he'll make me prouder than I already am of him. But then… after the meetings, he always says something to Hungary or Austria or Switzerland about how I do nothing but laze about the house, never doing anything productive, anything useful. That's when I have to walk away, and no one ever sees me again for three days or so, and what do I hear when I get back?
"Oh, there you are. I was wondering where you'd been. Could you maybe clean you're room for once? It's atrocious."
Gone for three days and that's the first thing I hear from my own baby brother, the one I raised from an infant, the one I nursed back to health after all of his wars. Just a request to clean my goddamn room. Not even a fucking hello.
Why can't they see I'm lonely?
I'm done lying to my self, so here is a brief list of truths I must remind myself of everyday:
I'm lonely.
I will always be lonely.
No one loves me.
Ludwig doesn't care about me anymore.
Roderich doesn't care about me anymore.
Elizaveta doesn't care about me anymore.
Basche doesn't care about me anymore.
No one will ever care for me again, because I'm simply not worth caring for.
Spain and France have better, more important things to do in their busy lives than hanging out with me every damn day, so it's best for everyone if I stop calling them desperately asking them to hang out with me. They don't want to. They're just too nice to say no.
I need someone there for me, but I never will have one.
I'm the weakest of the weak, and that won't change.
No one respects me anymore, if they ever have. I don't deserve their respect. I'm just a nobody with no land that shouldn't even be alive anymore.
I don't have anything to live for. My baby brother is grown and doesn't need me to look after him any more. Hell, when I try to help him with anything, I fuck up and he just yells at me and tells me to go somewhere where I can't mess something up or bother him. Hungary is perfectly happy with Austria. Austria is doesn't need any help fighting, nor does he have anything to take.
I'm not awesome. I'm the scum of the fucking Earth, and I will never amount to anything ever again. I'm the lowest of the low and will never rise back to the top where I once stood. I am everything but awesome or its equivalents.
Everyone deserves to be around someone better than me.
…
I doubt that even counts as half of them.
I think… I think I should just go to sleep and never wake up. That sounds good right about now. It's not like anyone would miss me anyway.
-Gilbert
Hungary looked up from the book she was reading with tears glistening in her eyes. She had raided Prussia's room as a prank and found the latest volume of his many diaries. She had expected something funny or embarrassing, so she read all of the passages out to everyone present at the world meeting. At first, she had gotten what she expected, but as she turned the pages, the thoughts written on them became steadily darker. She looked around the room at everyone who had gathered around to listen. Germany looked incredibly guilty, almost as if he were about to cry. The only time his stoic exterior cracks is when something has happened to either his brother or Italy. Austria looked morose, staring at the floor. Spain was already in tears, France trying to comfort him.
Switzerland, who also looked slightly guilty, was the first to break the solemn silence that blanketed the room.
"Hungary, when is that passage dated?" Hungary looked back at the page.
"It was written two days ago." A tear finally escaped and trickled down her cheek. She had no idea her friend felt this way. Of course she cared about him! She wouldn't bother even talking to him, to even yell at him if she didn't. Spain began to cry harder, burying his face in France's shirt.
"That's why I haven't gotten a call from him three days!"
"Neither have I, mon ami. Usually our dear Gilbert would call everyday just to chat or ask us if we wanted to go drinking or even just go hang out with him and watch a movie. I haven't heard from him in three days, but I didn't really think anything of it. Now I feel horrible."
"He really thinks no one cares about him? We put up with him, don't we? I certainly wouldn't even give him the time of day if he weren't a friend, he if wasn't family!" Austria snapped, offended that Prussia seemed to think so little of him. Hungary glared at hi.
"Put up with him? This is why he thinks we don't care, 'Because we only ever 'put up with him!' We should have noticed sooner! We… we should have been nicer!"
Germany seemed to be a little shell shocked, all he did was stare at the ground, lip trembling as he mumbled.
"All I ever did was yell at him, even though he was only trying to help. I always pushed him away. I barely even noticed it when he was gone! I just saw it as quieter, a nice break from him! Yet… yet he still said he was proud of me after the way I've treated him…" His tears finally fell as he realized just how his precious older brother felt. Prussia was right. The albino had done so much for him, had loved him endlessly, everything he did being to benefit Ludwig rather than himself. And how did he repay the man who did everything in his power to take care of him? He had treated him like he was worthless, like he was a waste of space, like he was burden who couldn't do anything right. The large German fell to his knees, face in his hands, shaking. "I'm so sorry, Bruder!"
"He even stopped signing off as Prussia. He used his human name…"
"Hungary, is that the last entry? Everyone knows he writes in it everyday. Is there a more recent one?" Hungary flipped the page at Italy's question. There was.
"Yes, but it's very short, from yesterday." She began to read.
Dear Diary,
This is the last time I will be writing in this diary, or any diary. Tomorrow, before Lutz heads to the meeting, I'll give him the fresh beer that just finished brewing today, I'll cook him liverwurst with eggs and hash browns like I did when he was little, and when he's about to leave, I'll give him one last hug. I would ruffle his hair like a did when his was a child, but he would probably get mad at me for messing his hair up after he took the time to make sure his hair would stay slicked back. I don't want to make him angry tomorrow. He'll probably be angry, later, though, because he'll be stuck fixing everything up once I'm gone, what with making funeral preparations and all once he comes back from the meeting. If he even bothers. I'm not worth all that trouble, and I know it. I don't want him to do that if it puts more stress on him. He works too hard as it is already. They'll probably just burn me instead. That's fine.
I'm not worth the space I take up. I'll clean up the house and pack up my things so Lutz won't have to, and then I'll lock myself in the bathroom. I won't make a mess, that would make me even more of a burden and I don't want to put Lutz through that anymore. If someone reads this, Please tell them I want to be buried, if they bury me, in my white suit with my flag, a picture of Lutz, and the picture I took of that painting of Old Man Fritz. The only other thing I ask is that someone takes care of Gilbird. I don't want him to end up lonely too.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
-Gilbert
"No!" Germany was sobbing. "That's why he did all that? Just to make me happy before he—Oh Gott! I have to check on him!" He sprinted out of the room in a flash, heading for home, praying his Bruder wasn't dead. Hungary called after him,
"I'm going too!" and took off after him.
They arrived at the German's house much more quickly than they usually would have since the meeting was actually being held in Berlin that day. Germany didn't bother fumbling with keys to unlock the door. When he reached it, he immediately kicked it down and ran inside, searching frantically for Gilbert, praying he hadn't locked himself in the bathroom yet or worse…
"Gilbert? Gilbert, where are you? Gilbert!"
The Prussian was already in the bathroom, sitting in the tub filled with water. He had begun to feel dizzy a minute or so earlier, and he could swear he was hearing things. He heard a crash and a voice that sounded like his brother's, but that couldn't be. Lutz was at the meeting and the voice sounded much too concerned, worrying about where he was. That couldn't be Lutz. Lutz didn't care.
"Prussia? Are you here? Are you alright? Prussia? Can you hear me? If you're here, please, speak up!"
Hungary too? Now he knew for sure it was only in his mind. Hungary didn't care either. She never did. Oh? The voices are getting closer and the door knob is jiggling.
"Germany, He's in the bathroom! The door's locked! Prussia, please, open up! Tell me you're okay!"
My bath water had long turned red and my vision began to grow fuzzy as I stared at the door, the arm I had carved into leaning against the wall, but not at an angle where it would leave a mess on it. I could hear more footsteps outside the door before they stopped and were replace by a loud banging noise instead as someone beat their fist on the door,
"Bruder, please! Don't hurt yourself!" There were a few more bangs on the door before it burst open, the lock broken by a powerful kick. Two people, the ones he thought to be figments of his imagination at the moment, looked in, eyes wide before rushing over to him, Germany kneeling down beside the tub his brother was bleeding out in, surrounded by crimson water one could barely see through now. He caressed the albino's hair before gently grabbing the Prussian's wounded arm. Gilbert tried to resist, but he was currently too weak from blood loss. He growled when he saw the word 'burden' cared into the porcelain skin. Gilbert flinched away and looked down at the bloody water, unable to look his brother in the eye. Ludwig's expression changed to guilty.
This is why he thinks I don't care. He probably thinks I'm angry that he's made a mess of himself. I'm so sorry, Gilbert.
He turned to Hungary.
"Hungary, please, go find the first aid kit!" He turned back to his older brother as the woman scampered away to do as she was told. "Bruder, bitte, look at me. Why would you do this?" The Prussian still refused to look at him. He looked like he was about to cry.
"Why are you asking? You don't care." His lower lip was trembling. Ludwig went to circle his arms around the albino, but stopped when the albino cringed in fear.
"Bruder… I love you. You are my brother. You have always taken care of me, and I appreciate everything you do for me. I'm so sorry I didn't see how lonely you were. I should have noticed you were in pain, Bruder, and I never should have treated you the way I did. Please forgive me. I want you to know that you are loved by many."
In the back of Prussia's mind, he wondered how exactly Lutz knew how he felt, but he was much too groggy to ponder on it for more than a brief moment. At that moment, Hungary returned with a first aid kit along with some cloths, clothes, and a towel.
"We need to bandage his arm quickly and stop the bleeding." She said as she set down the items and opened the first aid kit. She picked up the wound disinfectant in the kit as well as one of the cloths before pouring the fire liquid on it. She gently rubbed the cloth over Prussia's arm, causing him to whimper weakly at the burning sensation it gave. In order to ease the pain a bit, Ludwig blew on the wound once she was finished cleansing it, making a cool feeling run down the length of it. Prussia leaned closer to his brother without even realizing it, resting his too heavy head on the man's broad shoulder. Hungary removed the bandages from the kit and carefully wound them around the albino's forearm, tight enough to help stop the bleeding, but not too tight to where it cut off circulation to the man's hand either. She applied pressure to the bandaged wound to staunch the blood flow. Eventually, she succeeded and gently let the albino's arm drop beside the tub away from the dirty water. She reached into the bathtub and pulled the plug on the drain, waiting for all of the soiled water to leave the basin before plugging it back up and running clean water into it at a temperature that was perfect. Once the tub was full again, she grabbed some soap, as did Ludwig, and they began to lather the albino's body up, scrubbing away the blood and filth still stuck to him with gentle hands. When they found his body to be clean once more, Ludwig grabbed the shampoo and repeated the process with his brother's hair. He massaged the albino's scalp and rubbed the back of his neck, helping the smaller man to relax. The two rinsed off the Prussian and Ludwig wrapped a towel around his weak body.
Gilbert tried to take a step forward on his own, but failed. His little brother caught him before he could hit the ground. Germany would not let him try again; instead, he lifted the older man up and carried him to his own room just across the hall instead of down to the basement. He laid Prussia down carefully, lifting back the covers and placing them on top of him. Gilbert's eyes were beginning to droop, his body needed to rest to recover the blood he had lost. Before he fell into his dreams, he heard his Kleiner Bruder say: "Ich liebe dich, Bruder. Danke for doing so much for me. Rest now. I'm sure many people will be over here to see you later. They all love you and want to know you're okay. Gute nacht, Große Bruder. Sleep well."
When Prussia awoke later, still weak but with a clear head, he remembered to ask how they knew what he was planning. That particular diary volume was burned in the fireplace that night after he received hugs and reassurance that, should he ever feel that way, he tells them so and they will always be there for him. He'd never been told he was loved so many times in one night.