Disclaimer: I don't own Our Girl. Everything you recognise was created by Tony Grounds and is owned by the BBC.

Author's notes at the end.

Chapter 1: The Confession

21st September 2034

My Dearest Charles,

I wanted to send you this letter from beyond the grave, as it were, to apologise for something that has been very much the elephant in the room in our relationship over the past 20 years. I'm sure that, during your time in the Army, you must have written enough of these letters yourself, and for one awful period in early-2014 I thought that there was a good possibility that yours may be delivered. I didn't know about these letters at that time, but subsequently found out from watching a TV drama series. I think that it is a good thing the Army encourages you to do and, in the absence of the ability to say goodbye to a loved one, to hear that they cared for you is an important thing.

It is a terrible thing when you do the wrong thing, but for the right reasons. Please understand that as your mother I have always tried to do my best for you. You should know that your father was very much against the course of action I took. He felt, and still feels, that people only learn by making mistakes and that we must let them make mistakes to grow as people. Given what has passed since then, I wish that I had listened to his advice. I only acted the way I did because I love you. I had seen how much you were hurt by what happened with Rebecca and I wanted to avoid a repeat of that. Little did I know that by acting as I did that I would cause you hurt for the rest of your life. If I could go back and change any one thing that I have done in my life, it would be that conversation with Molly.

It is interesting that I talked about that period in 2014 when you were injured, because of course that was when we met Molly for the first time. At that point when you first introduced her to us as your girlfriend I thought that it was just a momentary infatuation caused by hero worship associated with her saving your life. I didn't understand until you explained it many years later that you had already developed a fledgling relationship before she saved your life.

It will be no surprise to you that I didn't like Molly. She was young and outspoken and clearly socially inferior. None of these things seemed to matter to you and you were certain that she was intelligent enough, even though she had no qualifications, to improve socially and be comfortable in our social sphere. But I had seen things like this before and I knew there was only an infinitesimal chance that she could possibly transcend her upbringing and be comfortable with our way of life. In addition to that she was 8 years younger than you and, while you didn't see that that was an issue, I knew it could be.

She went off on her second tour and I thought you would find someone else while she was away. But you didn't, and you waited for her and then, after she returned you were talking about moving to Aldershot to live with her. I knew then that I had to act to make sure that you didn't make another relationship mistake.

I have always told you that I don't know why Molly left early that weekend when you, Sam and your father went to the rugby. Of course, I do, and I think you do too. It was because of me.

While you were out I sat Molly down and had a free and frank discussion with her about the future and about how your future would be better without her in it. I explained to her how she would always be a social leper in our group of friends and that, with no qualifications and no grounding in history or literature, she would find it difficult to interact. I explained how women in higher social classes were expected to be demure and respectful and I explained why I would never like her and why Jim didn't like her and why Sam was rapidly going off her (those last two were lies). I explained that she would pull you down. She got it. Maybe you were right after all about her being intelligent. And so she left.

You were upset when you got back, and more upset when she broke up with you, but I was content because even though I knew you were in momentary pain, I knew it was for the best.

But it hasn't been for the best has it? I know that Molly must have told you that I spoke to her, although obviously not the horrific details of the conversation, because even though you were angry with me, you never hated me the way you would have if she had told you the whole truth. I have to conclude that Molly loved you enough to know that you still needed your family when she had gone. Proving again that she was a better woman than me.

I expected you to pick yourself up, as you did after Rebecca, and go back out into the world. And I expected that, over time, you would forgive me. But you never did either. It broke my heart to see you drift as you did. Your father urged me to tell you what I had done so that you had a chance to fix it, but I didn't have the guts. We still had a relationship, even if it was strained, but I knew that if you found out the gory details of what I had done you would cut me out of your life entirely and I couldn't stand to lose you, my only child.

Because it became very clear that I had acted stupidly and didn't know the full situation. That you had feelings for Molly beyond hero worship. That you loved her. That she was your soulmate. That became very clear over the months and years that followed as you desperately tried to pick yourself up. You had lost everything that mattered in your life. Your injury made you give up the Army and I made you give up Molly. You went through the motions for Sam. You got yourself that job as a mortgage broker to pay the bills and obviously it was flexible so that you could spend more time with Sam, and I know he appreciated it. But it wasn't you. The idea of you with a desk job was just anathema to me.

Luckily Veterans Aid came along after seven years and you got involved with that and, for the first time in a long time, you had something that interested you. I saw signs of the real you coming out for the first time in ages. When you mixed with the other veterans I saw you the way you were in the Army, and you were making a difference. I knew it was only a matter of time until you quit your job and went full time for the charity. For a while it was great. I thought you would push on and re-start your life, but it was like you felt no push to re-start your life. You never really dated again and you got so involved in the work – it's all you do now. I know you take time off every week to spend time with Sam and his kids and you see your father for coffee regularly but you never do anything else Charles, and it's not healthy.

It's 20 years now Charles, since I had that fateful conversation with Molly. You have been to see me at the Hospice as I fade away, and you make all the right noises. But I know you still blame me for breaking you and Molly up. And maybe you hate me as well. But please know Charles, you do not hate me nearly as much as I hate myself. I think even your father hates me to some extent for what I did. He has been a rock over the course of our marriage, but he has been noticeably cooler to me over the past few years as your pain has been more and more obvious.

Sorry doesn't cover what I did. And it never could. As I die and go on what your favourite character, Professor Dumbledore, would call the next great adventure, I know that I leave unfinished business in this life. In this letter I wanted to explain that I did what I did out of love. And also, because I think you do, that you shouldn't blame Molly for what happened. She wanted to fight for you, and I think she would have, if I hadn't been quite so nasty to her. The more I think about it (and I have thought about it a lot) I see that Molly had quite big insecurities of her own, and I don't think that she was totally well after the two tours of Afghanistan either. I think if she had been well, and perhaps a bit more confident, then she would have fought for you Charles.

I have tried to search for Molly Dawes over the past few months to see if I could undo the damage I caused, but I haven't found anything of her at all. I sent a request in to the Army but they said that since I wasn't related to her they couldn't give me any information. You may be in a better position than me if you want to find her. I urge you to do so Charles. You are only 48 Charles, and Molly would still be in her early-40s. It's not too late for you to have something, even a friendship.

I don't want to end this letter Charles. Knowing that once you have read it, you will hate me. Knowing that the last thing I left in the world you will probably screw up and toss away. But that's the bed I made all those years ago and now I must sleep in it.

It is a terrible thing for a mother to say to her son, but I'm sorry I ruined your life. And if you ever see Molly again, please tell her that I'm sorry for what I said, and I'm sorry I ruined her life too.

With all my love and hopes,

Mum x

A/N 1 So this is totally different to all my other fics. A bit of an experiment really. Grateful for any views/reviews.

A/N 2 Fair warning up front – this is going to be a somewhat emotional story. If you don't like that sort of fic, you might want to give this a miss.

A/N 3 The characters in this will be quite different to my other OG fanfics, as you can no doubt tell.