Please don't shoot me down in flames for this one. I am a yaoi fan. I write yaoi, some here, some elsewhere. This is meant as an affectionate parody.
Two recommendations: the idea for this came from a comment Licoriceallsorts posted on Decayed Cotton Candy's LJ site, with reference to Decayed Cotton Candy's brilliant yaoi fic "Behind Closed Doors" at www. fanfiction . net/s/6863213/1/Behind_Closed_Doors , saying, "I always feel kind of sorry for poor Elena in the gay world of the Turks ".
If you like truly well-written Turk yaoi, then "Behind Closed Doors" is the fic for you!
If yaoi isn't your thing - or even if it is, because this is worth reading in any case - then read Licoriceallsorts' "Death is Part of the Process" at www . fanfiction . net/s/5734947/1/Death_is_Part_of_the_Process . It includes almost all the characters, and all the BC Turks. It's not yaoi, although it does contain one major same-sex relationship. It's beautifully written and a brilliant story.
Anyhow, also feeling sorry for Elena, I gave her the chance to be revenged on all those yaoi writers who keep her from the men.
As you doubtless know, the Before Crisis Turks have no official names because they were named by the player. The ones who feature in this story, with my names for them, are:
Katana m. - Kit
Rod m. - Rod (inspired, huh?)
Nunchucks m. - Tristan
Two guns m. - Quin
Martial arts m. - Max
Shotgun f. - Cassie
My three evil yaoi writers, Slash, Squee and Poison, are based on no one living or dead, except (in the case of Slash) for myself, altered to protect the not-very-innocent. Her yaoi crimes are similar to my own. Passages of purple prose are entirely intentional.
Warnings: lots of implied yaoi, but nothing graphic.
Disclaimer: If I owned them would I be here, writing this?
Elena Vs. Team Yaoi
Chapter One
Elena sat, alone as usual, on the too-big sofa in the living room at Healen. It was Saturday night again, and no one had wanted to go into Edge, again. There was nothing on TV - again. Since Meteor and Chaos there had been nothing on TV except for earnest reports about mako levels, and endless repeats of the old films and series that had been salvaged from the rubble. No one seemed to have the heart to make anything new – not now, not yet.
She knew what was going on upstairs, and it depressed her. She had no problem with people being gay – Gaia knew she'd always been open-minded and unprejudiced – it was just that she was sure it hadn't always been this way with these particular people. Rufus – well, yes – she was pretty certain he'd always been one for the guys. Even while acknowledging the physical perfection of his face and form, there had always been something about him that had warned her – no – not for you. And although it had been a sorrowful realisation, it hadn't really been a shock when she'd worked out that he spent most of his nights with Tseng.
Thinking about Tseng still made her give a little, resigned, internal sigh. She had been so hopeful when he'd promoted her, after Reno's hospitalisation following his fight with Avalanche on the Sector Seven pillar. Tseng had chosen her out of a large group of potential recruits – he seemed to approve of her – even when she screwed up he was never unduly harsh. He was everything she admired – controlled, professional, devastatingly handsome…
And, on that terrible day at the forest temple, Tseng had asked her out to dinner – Tseng had asked her - and for one, fleeting moment she had dared to turn the key of that secret place in her heart where she had locked her foolish dreams…
But Sephiroth had ruined everything. She suspected that it had been then, during Tseng's recovery from the awful wound Sephiroth had inflicted, that Rufus had made his move.
Reno. Well, Reno was less of a surprise. Reno was Reno, and she'd always known he was flexible in such matters. It did seem a little hard, though, that for all the women he'd got through over the years, he'd never once made a move on her. Reno was nothing like Tseng – but there was something about him – a confidence, an energy – combined with the undeniable physical appeal of all that bright red hair and those blue-green eyes – that often made her wish that just once…
But then she'd accidentally walked into an office that really should have been locked, and the image of Reno on his knees in front of Rufus was burned indelibly into her brain.
Rude had been the biggest shock. She'd been almost certain Rude was straight. What had all that angst over Chelsea been about? And his crush on Tifa - the one that had been strong enough to make the ever-loyal Rude ignore his duty and refuse to fight her - what had happened to that? Yes – Elena had once held high hopes of Rude. He was strong, and handsome, and she couldn't help having improper thoughts about his sheer physical size, and whether all those piercings in his ears had their equivalents in other parts of his anatomy… But, it seemed, she was never to find out, because just last week there had been that hideously embarrassing incident when, looking for a little relaxation and me-time with her favourite trashy gossip magazine and a large bar of chocolate (some things were so essential that not even Meteor or Chaos had stopped their production), she had wandered into the spa intent on a nice long solitary soak in the hot tub, and discovered all four of them –
Well - cavorting was probably the word.
Best not to think about it really.
So, here she was, all alone again, on a Saturday night. It almost made her want to cry.
Elena was a Turk, though, so instead of crying, she went to the fridge for a beer. She returned to the sofa and drank the beer in front of a tedious romcom that she'd seen at least a dozen times before, while trying to think of a solution to her problem.
An hour later she found herself in the bathroom, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She'd turned the TV up as loud as she could, but it still hadn't drowned out the noises coming from upstairs. Sometimes she felt like getting a bucket of icy water and tipping it over the whole lot of them. Did any of them ever give her a second thought? Didn't they realise what it was like for her, living and working so close to four such attractive men and knowing that the whole, sexy, testosterone-drenched atmosphere – all the smiles and touches and significant glances – included everyone but her? It was slowly driving Elena crazy.
The whole situation wasn't helped by the fact that over the last couple of years everybody seemed to be growing mysteriously sexier and better looking. It was sometimes hard to remember – but Elena could have sworn that the first time she'd seen Rufus Shinra his hair had been more orangey red than strawberry blond, which, she supposed, did make sense of his name. Now, ever since having contracted and then survived Geostigma - perhaps it was some weird side effect? – he'd gone all pale gold and gorgeous.
Rude's muscles were more defined than they used to be – he'd grown that beard, and she had to admit it really suited him. He just seemed – sharper – more handsome – more desirable and less available than ever.
Reno – well, she wasn't sure that Reno had got sexier, exactly. He'd always been sexy. It was just that, in the past, he'd possessed a dangerous, down-at-heel sort of sexiness – something that spoke of hard sex in dark alleys, and definitely no swapping phone numbers. No – Reno hadn't got sexier – he'd got prettier. She didn't know why or how, but that ratty red ponytail of his had somehow gone all sleek and shiny. He seemed to have a lot more hair than before, and it looked soft and well cared for. His eyes – and she was sure they'd used to be so much narrower – had always been a vivid colour – but now she kept thinking of the word cerulean, which was strange, because she was certain it wasn't a word she'd ever used before.
Tseng – ah – Tseng. Well, she'd been in love with Tseng from the start, but this Tseng – the intensity of those dark, dark eyes that any girl (or boy, so it seemed) would be mesmerised by, and all that sleek, shining hair that he had apparently decided to grow long and wear loose just to torment her - Tseng was just beautiful.
"Woah! Wait a minute!" Elena told her reflected self severely in the mirror. "When did you start calling men beautiful? What's going on here? Is it an effect of all the mako in the air, all the dust containing Gaia knows what that was thrown up after Chaos? But – no – it started before that. It started sometime after Meteor."
She frowned, studying her own image critically. She'd changed too – she couldn't deny it. Her hair had lightened, like Rufus', to a pale ashy shade that she supposed quite suited her. Her eyes, which she'd always felt were her best feature, had grown softer and more liquid brown, like melted chocolate. Her mouth, which she'd always felt was too small, so that sometimes she thought it virtually invisible without makeup, seemed prettier, and her lips pinker than before. But her transformation was nothing like as dramatic as that of the guys. It was almost as if Gaia, or whichever god or goddess was responsible for these strange transformations, hadn't really bothered as much with her.
"It's no good," Elena lectured herself. "I can't go on like this – being the only girl in a house of gays – er – guys. If I wasn't straight myself it wouldn't be such a problem – but as it is… I'm going to go nuts if I can't find a man who's interested in women!"
Suddenly Elena longed for a female friend to confide in. Never close to her sister, she had grown up used to working in male environments, and the lack of a good girlfriend had never bothered her before. The boys used to be my friends, she thought sadly. But now they're just too busy with each other… I wonder? Well – it's worth a try.
It didn't take long to find the phone number in the filing cabinet.
Unsurprisingly, Tifa was wary at first. "What makes you think I'd want to discuss anything with you?" she asked, her normally gentle voice sharp with scorn. But when Elena outlined her problem, there was a long pause.
"Come to the bar," Tifa told her. "There's something you should know."
By the time Elena arrived in Edge the Seventh Heaven was already closed. Elena parked her bike on the street and knocked on the door. Tifa answered almost immediately. She didn't smile, but gave Elena a nod that wasn't unfriendly. "Come in. Would you like a drink?"
"Thanks. I'll have a beer."
"It's not great beer, I'm afraid. Everything's so hard to get these days. But it's better than what most of the bars around here sell."
Tifa pulling pints was a sight to behold – the slight swell of her biceps as she worked the pump drawing the eye inevitably towards the far from slight swell of her breasts –
Elena shook her head, startled. What was happening to her? Surely she hadn't been without a man that long?
Tifa caught her staring and smiled. "Had one of those 'Good Gaia, have I started fancying girls' moments?" she asked. "Don't worry. It's just part of what's happening. It doesn't seem to affect us as much, or as often, as it does the men, but it can throw you a bit until you're used to it."
"So – it's not just Rufus and the Turks, then?" Elena asked.
"Gaia – no! It's almost everyone. Barret seems to be the only one who's hardly affected at all. Cloud…" She shook her head, eloquently.
"Cloud?"
Tifa poured herself a drink, and came around the bar to sit with Elena at one of the tables. She stared down into her drink, looking pensive. "It started with dreams. He said he couldn't stop thinking about Zack. Apparently… he and Zack used to have a thing. The weird thing is, he'd forgotten all about it until recently. He said he thinks he must have been in denial – must have blanked it out. But apparently relationships in the army were quite common." She looked up at Elena, her beautiful brown eyes troubled. "You wouldn't believe some of the things that used to go on in SOLDIER, according to Cloud. Although, again, he says he's only remembered them in the last few months."
"Since Meteor, or since Chaos?"
"It started after Meteor. But it's got much worse recently."
"Strange."
"I know. The things he told me! Sephiroth, Genesis and Angeal – Cloud and Zack – all of them really. In every combination you can think of!"
"I don't want to think of it!" Elena said. "It's bad enough with Rufus, Tseng, Rude and Reno."
"Yes – well – I don't think Reno's confining his – um – activities to Healen," Tifa said, with a little shake of her head. "I caught him coming out of Cloud's room a couple of days ago. He just grinned. Cloud said he didn't know what came over him –"
"Tifa!" Elena exclaimed.
"Sorry. Bad choice of phrase. But now Cloud keeps disappearing, and I never know where he's gone, or who he's with. And the other day Vincent came into the bar – with Cid!"
"With Cid?"
Tifa shuddered. "Very much so I'm afraid. Shera's devastated. Keeps asking him why. And all Cid can say is that he doesn't know, but there's just some kind of irresistible attraction between them…"
"Cid? And Vincent? So – Vincent's forgotten Lucrecia then?"
"It doesn't seem to matter!" Tifa's voice broke. "Whoever they cared for in the past – they just can't keep their hands off each other! I spent so long hoping that Cloud would come round – that Aerith would become just a memory – and then he did come round, and I thought everything would be all right – but now he doesn't care about me at all – because he's too busy running around with guys!"
Elena thought of Tseng, but only said, "That's rough. I wonder – is this planet-wide, or just here, around Edge?"
"It seems to be mostly here," Tifa said, controlling herself, swiping the back of her hand across her eyes impatiently. "I'm still in contact with Yuffie, and she says the guys in Wutai are fine – the gays are still gay and the straights are still straight, as she put it."
"I need to contact Veld," Elena said. Then she smiled, as a wonderful idea came to her. "Don't worry, Tifa," she said, brightly. "We'll get to the bottom of this."
Tifa winced.
"I'll get back to Healen now," Elena said. "I need to make a few calls. But I'll be in touch. You look out for clues – listen to gossip in the bar. We have to narrow this down – find out where it started."
"Well – from what you said, it affected the Turks in Healen before anyone here," Tifa told her.
"Hmm. So – we'll need to start looking for clues around Healen. Can you ask Yuffie to visit? I suspect we're going to need all the female help we can get!"
x-x-x
Elena rode the bike back to Healen, grateful to have something large and throbbing between her thighs that wasn't likely to lose interest and go off with a pretty guy. Moonlight glimmered on her pale hair.
From the bluff overlooking Edge and the ruins of Midgar, three pairs of narrowed eyes watched her progress.
A cool female voice said quietly, "We can't allow her to interfere."
"No, indeed," came the response – a younger voice, also female. "Not when we've arranged things so nicely."
"Hmm. I was so enjoying what Reno and Rude were getting up to on the sofa while she was away," a third woman added.
The first voice spoke again. "World_of_squee? xRenoIsMyPoisonx?"
"Yes, Boss?" two voices answered in unison.
"You know what to do."
Moonlight glinted on the barrel of a shiny silver pen. There was a click as the lid of a laptop flipped open and an eerie blue glow illuminated the face of a frowning twenty-five year old woman with oddly familiar spiky red hair held back from her face by a pair of plastic swimming goggles. The hair appeared to be a wig, to judge by the much darker hairline visible below the roots of the long spikes that fell over her eyes.
Their boss – an older woman clad in nothing more exotic than jeans and a t-shirt bearing the Shin-Ra logo – smiled a cool smile.
"You see?" she said, turning to her minions. "Didn't I tell you self-inserts weren't always a waste of time?"
"You were right, as always," the nineteen year old World_of_squee-but- just-call-me-Squee said, writing frantically in her tattered spiral-bound notebook. She pushed blonde hair back from her pretty face and glanced up at her boss. "I never thought it would work – but look what we've achieved!"
"Yes," replied the leader – a woman officially known as Ulikeitslashy69 – Slash for short. "And soon there won't be a single significant male character left unslashed in the whole of Gaia – thanks to me, and my legion of helpers!" She frowned at Squee. "By the way, have you finished that Barret/Cloud fic I told you to do? We don't need Barret helping Tifa and Elena against us, do we?"
xRenoIsMyPoisonx gave a short laugh, adjusted her goggles, looked at her fingers and then cursed as she realised she'd smudged one of the red lipstick lines she'd drawn shakily along her cheekbones. "Damn. But come on Slash – you know Squee is never gonna finish that, yo! She doesn't fancy Barret!"
Squee shot the bewigged woman a fierce glare. "Shut up, Poison. Stop saying 'yo' all the time – you sound stupid! And I told you to use face paints and not lipstick for the scars. Of course they're going to smudge!"
"They're not scars – they're tattoos, idiot!" Poison sneered, poisonously.
"They're scars – from when he got attacked by Dark Nation when he started working for Rufus," Squee countered. "I wrote it, so I know."
"They're tattoos from when he was a child prostitute and then escaped and became part of the Red Rebels street gang," Poison shot back. "I know, because I wrote it first. You don't even write Reno anymore, since you got into Clack. And scars from Dark Nation is just stupid! How would he get two, exactly the same shape and size?"
Squee's eyes narrowed dangerously. "You want me to show you?" She curled her fingers, with their long, red-varnished nails, pointedly, and pointily, in Poison's direction.
"Stop it, both of you," commanded Slash, frowning. "We have to stick together if we're to achieve our aim. Squee – I'm helping you out on the Barret front. I've already begun a story in which he falls into a vat of mako and emerges pretty. I was thinking tall and slim, with long dreds and nice eyelashes."
"Hmm." Squee sounded unconvinced. "I suppose that could work."
"Write the damned Barret fic," Poison said. "You can't write Clack your whole life."
"Why not? There are plenty of volunteers for most of the other pairings too, so I can write what I like," Squee sulked. "And while we're having this discussion – you leave Reno alone. Square prettified him just fine – he's going to end up looking like that cat out of Shrek if you make his eyes any bigger."
Slash held up a hand, and her lieutenants fell silent. "Squee can write as much Clack as she likes – when we've succeeded in our mission," she said. "And she's right – no more character adjustment. We have all the other fangirls and boys to think of. We go with Square on design unless they have a major bishie fail – as in the case of Barret. Our task is simple. Yaoi to the max. We are Team Yaoi!"
"With a bit of yuri thrown in for my mate Sue," Poison added.
"Yes. Just a bit, mind. We have to reflect the ratios," Slash stated solemnly. "But enough of this bickering! Elena must not put her plan into action! Write!"
x-x-x
Elena parked in the underground garage at Healen and wiped her brow. What a journey! She'd never expected to see shadow-creepers again after the destruction of the remnants. And there had been a nasty moment when the remnants themselves had turned up, all on bikes and blocking her path. Kadaj had smiled at her unpleasantly, toying with Souba, and she'd exclaimed, "I thought you were dead!"
Yazoo had tossed his moonlight hair and murmured, "But we're far too bishie to waste…" Loz had only nodded and said, "Yeah!" Elena had drawn her gun, fearing the worst, but fortunately Loz had grabbed hold of Yazoo and begun doing something that she was trying hard to block out of her memory. Kadaj had looked from Elena to his brothers and back, before giving a little shrug and joining them. She'd done her best not to glance in their direction as she revved past.
The shadow-creepers had continued their pursuit for a while until, for some reason, a Hellhouse had materialised out of nowhere and crushed them. Then the road had started developing random potholes, and it had taken all Elena's skill to get back to Healen in one piece.
Forgetting what she was likely to find there, Elena burst into the living room, then shielded her eyes from the sight of a naked Reno fast asleep, sprawled on top of an equally unclothed Rude. She crossed the room with her hands either side of her face like blinders on a skittish racing chocobo, and made it to the lobby where she could phone Veld in peace.
"Veld," Elena said, sighing with relief. "You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice. Can I ask you a strange question?"
"Of course, Elena. Is everything all right over in Edge?"
"Not exactly, no. I'll explain later. But – you're in touch with all the guys, yeah?"
"Yes. We're still all working on rebuilding projects."
"And are they all – okay? Especially the actual guys?"
"Yes," Veld replied, sounding cautious. "They're fine. Kit was trapped under rubble after Meteor over in Gonagaga and damaged his leg, but he's better now. What's wrong, Elena?"
Briefly Elena outlined the problem. Veld said, "How about I send some of the boys over to you. See what happens. If any of them show any signs of going the same way, send them home immediately."
"Thanks Veld," Elena said, relieved beyond measure. "You don't know how good it's going to be to have some other guys around again."
"I'll send four," Veld said. "Legend I need here. And Max is busy on a mission for me over Wutai way. But the others can be with you by tomorrow evening. We've got working choppers now."
"Thanks again," Elena said. "Gaia – I could hug you Veld!" And the rest, she thought. Yeah – definitely – the way I'm feeling at the moment!
When Veld had rung off, Elena went to the files and pulled out the pictures of the four Turks she had only met briefly after Meteor. First – Kit – a tall, dark, bespectacled Gongagan – expert in the katana – his scarred cheek not detracting at all from his good looks. Hmm Elena thought. I wonder if he likes blonds? Realising that she'd mentally left off the 'e', and that her mind was filling with unwanted pictures of Kit and Rufus, she thought quickly blondes! Blonde women. Me!
Next was Rod – a natural redhead – not unlike Reno in looks – but hopefully a lot unlike him in sexual orientation, at least at the moment. Not bad at all.
Then a little blond called Tristan, with huge blue eyes and a soft face. Hm. Elena shook her head, thinking that people might mistake him for her little brother. But he was cute. Definitely cute.
The fourth Turk was Quin – all slum-styled dark hair and cheekbones. He looked dangerous in the way Reno used to, and Elena found herself smiling at the memory. You could be just what I need, Quin, she thought.
Elena made her way up to bed, almost tripping over Rufus and Tseng who were getting up to – something – on the stairs. She muttered, "Oh, for Gaia's sake!" as she stepped carefully over them, but they took no notice of her at all. Once in bed, Elena put in her earplugs to drown out the inevitable noises that would continue until dawn, and settled down to sleep, hopeful for the first time in months.
x-x-x
Poison was whinging again. "Squee – couldn't you have written us a better tent? I'm freezing!"
"I'll edit it in the morning. Try to sleep. The next few days are going to be busy – thanks to you and your stupid remnant fantasies!"
"Oh – well – sorry for fancying a bit of remcest! But I'm not the one who went and dropped a frigging Hellhouse on Slash's shadow-creepers, yo! We almost had her!"
"It's not my fault!" Squee retorted. "You were yelling 'write a monster' at me – and I told you before – I've never played the game! I only watched my brother play it a bit, and I like the film. The hellhouse was the only monster I could remember, okay? Anyway – why all those potholes? Couldn't you just have written a falling boulder, or sudden engine failure?"
"We're not trying to kill her! She must have some fanboys and girls. We just want to capture her to stop her interfering."
"It doesn't matter," Slash told them calmly, from the depths of her purple, fleece-lined sleeping bag. Squee looked at it enviously. "Why can't I have a sleeping bag like that?" she demanded.
"You can," Slash told her. "You just have to remember to write one. Your work tends to lack descriptive detail. I'm sure you'll get better with experience. But this is no time for concrit - we have plots to think of! Elena's plan has played right into our hands. By total fluke, Veld's sending her all the pretty ones. All we have to do is write them together, and Elena will be out on her own again."
"Oooh!" Poison exclaimed. "Bagsy I get to do Rod/Quin!"
"You just like Rod because he looks like Reno," Squee said.
"Yeah, so? And I like Quin because he acts like Reno. You can do Kit/Tristan – cause Kit's from Gongaga, like Zack – and Tristan's little and blond – like Cloud. It's like Clack, only Kan. Or Trit."
Squee seemed considerably cheered by that idea.
"Poor old martial arts male Max is the one I always feel sorry for," commented Slash. "He's another Square bishie fail isn't he?"
"Yeah," agreed Squee, sounding bored. "I never write him."
"I have written him," said Poison. "But I usually send him away on missions, or make him expendable."
"It's tempting," Slash agreed. "If he was on Star Trek he'd definitely be the only member of the landing party whose name you don't know. But I'm going to challenge myself to find him someone one of these days. Maybe I'll be kind to him, and give him Rufus?"
"You and your crack pairings!" Poison sniggered. "But you know you'll never do it. Or, if you do, it'll be like a two-hundred word drabble. You'll be drawn back to your precious Reno/Cloud, or your Cid/Vincent. Just like I can't keep away from Reno and Rude, or anything remnant. And Squee and her endless Clack. Bet she still hasn't finished that Barret/Cloud, in spite of you yelling for an update."
"I'm working on it," Squee responded, sounding a bit guilty. "Let's get some sleep, and we'll be ready to write again in the morning."
"You sleep," Poison told her, taking off her Reno wig, and fluffing up her short, dark hair. She laid her homemade wooden EMR beside her tenderly. "Sleep's for wusses. I'm starting my Rod/Quin fic right now, and I'm not stopping until it's done, even if it takes me 'til four in the morning. That way they'll be all over each other before they've even arrived, and Elena will know her plan has failed."
"Good luck with that," Squee replied sleepily. "I would say 'mwahahaha' – but I'm too tired to do it properly…"