Sasuke was leaning back in his orange plastic chair, one skinny leg crossed over the other, with his right hand hidden behind his desk while he flipped through the songs on Sakura's mp3 player. When he found the one he was looking for he resumed watching the teacher and pretending to pay attention.
Gai was sitting on his desk up front, listening eagerly. The other kids in his class were on the edge of their seats. Sasuke could see some of their mouths moving enthusiastically, lights from the class' tiny Christmas tree flashing on their profiles and glinting off some kid's glasses. The image was... i warm /i .
They were sharing stories, about, what they were doing that year for Christmas, what they did last year, what gifts they received, how awesome it was, how awesome it's going to be.
Sasuke felt separate. The music was a window and he observed from behind it. What did he have to add to that conversation?
He watched for a few moments, and before the outro of the song he'd been listening to faded away, his classmates were out of their seats and tripping over each other in order to reach their friends.
Sasuke flicked off the mp3 player with his thumb, and the headphones fell out of his ears when he gave their cord a light tug. He wrapped the cord around the player with cold hands.
"Sasuke." Sakura said, bubbly.
"Sakura." He returned flatly. She was one of his many acquaintances, and was bouncing at the end of his desk. He slid the mp3 player across his desk with his fingertips, towards Sakura, who waved her hand dismissively.
"No, no, I'm your secret santa!" She told him. She placed a package on his desk, small and neatly wrapped with reindeer-print wrapping paper. And a pink bow.
"Um. Thanks."
"No prob. Open it!" Sakura said. Sasuke reached for the package, and Sakura snagged another orange plastic chair by it's back. She plopped into it, sitting directly across from Sasuke.
Sasuke fingered a crease in the wrapping paper and bluntly ripped it off with a tug. Sakura raised an eyebrow, but her smile was still there.
Sasuke turned the blue vynil cell phone case between his fingers.
He didn't have a cell phone.
"It's nice."
Sakura covered her mouth with her hand. She looked like she was trying not to laugh. She knew he was just as underwhelmed as he looked.
"Good. I'm glad." She said, voice quivering in amusement.
"You got him cell phone accessories?" Asked Ino, also dragging up an abandoned chair. "Sasuke doesn't want something like that." Both girls were dressed kind of... sparsely, and Sasuke thought, if he's cold in a sweatshirt, t-shirt and jeans...
"Yes he does!" Sakura countered, "It's practical, it's useful, and it's blue. It suits him perfectly."
Sasuke rose from his seat, remembering he was a 'secret santa' as well. He squatted, black hair falling over his face. He pulled the unwrapped gift from his backpack, which was sitting on the floor beside his desk, and replaced it with his new cellphone case. When he stood the girls were still arguing playfully, and they were smiling, and they looked-- happy. Sincerely so.
Sasuke's lips turned up at one side, somewhat, and he excused himself without being noticed.
As he approched one desk on the opposite side of the room most of his classmates were oblivious to him. It was crowded, and boisterous, but familiar to Sasuke.
Two girls and two guys, one he knew was Chouji, and a third guy, Lee, the recipient of his gift, were all packed around one desk. He threw the gift onto the desk and it spun across the flat surface. Five pairs of eyes were on him.
"Lee." His voice sounded weak in comparison to the hum of thirty other voices. "That's for you."
He saw understanding wash over Lee's face. "Oh-- well-- thank you, Sasuke!" He yelled, before seeing the gift. He took it in his hand, delicately, respectfully, and Sasuke was faintly amused with the corny show Lee was putting on. He spent three bucks on that thing. Plus, it was an obligation-- Gai had assigned secret santas the same way he'd assign homework.
"I like it." Lee said, but looking just as puzzled as the other guys at the table. The girls looked amused.
"Enjoy." Sasuke said shortly, and left Lee with his friends and his new eyebrow trimmer.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
Snow clung to Sasuke's running shoes, and melted through the shoelace holes, and the gaps between it's tongue, and the hole on the side of his sole. His socks squished wetly every time he took a step.
It was dark out, already. The leafless trees were adorned in plain, white Christmas lights, and reflecting off shop windows. Downtown South Konoha was beautiful in winter. The snow hid the graffiti and litter and the crumbling brick buildings.
Sasuke crossed his arms over his chest. The winter air was seeping in through the tear in his jacket. Pitiful-- that's how he must look.
He saw a particularly distinctive shop window. It looked like a restaurant. The large window was glowing, even lighting the sidewalk outside softly. And as he got closer he could see inside. There was garland, and a small Christmas tree, and wreathes, and a fireplace towards the back. He could see people sitting near the window.
He felt separate again.
Those people, they were-- being together, fire light warming their faces, arms covered in stupid patterned sweaters-- and Sasuke was ripped from that reverie as he passed the window. A strong gust of cold whipped passed him, tugging his hair along with it.
He shivered and covered the tear in his jacket with his bare hand.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
The bell attached to the glass door jingled as Sasuke entered his deserted place of employment. Inside was barely warmer than outside. Slight heat glued to his stinging face nonetheless.
"Sasuke! You're here!" Temari, his coworker, shouted from behind the doughnut shop counter. She was wearing her funny uniform, with the striped burgundy button-up top, and the funny burgundy visor. The same uniform Sasuke had to wear. "Late, but here!"
"Hm-m." Sasuke mumbled, unwrapping his linty black scarf from around his neck. Temari maneuvered her way around the counter, and met him at the doorway by the time his jacket was unzipped. He shrugged one shoulder out of his jacket, face listless, and Temari grabbed hold of his other sleeve. She attempted to help him remove his jacket. Sasuke said "I can do this myself, thanks," to which Temari replied with a,
"I'm just trying to be--" Shhhhhh-- "Oops."
Looking stunned, Temari held up a large chunk of Sasuke's jacket. The rest of it was still attached to him.
Sasuke, looking from his jacket, then Temari, appearing severely irritated.
"Well, if it just falls apart like that, then you obviously need a new one!" Temari insisted.
Without a word, Sasuke removed what was left of his jacket, and Temari forced herself to mask her amusement with guilt. That changed, though, as she took the remaining piece of it, and a look of glee split across her face. A strangled sound burst out of her mouth. She was looking at his feet.
Sasuke looked down and found his feet completely caked in huge, round globes of snow.
Temari bent over, laughing, while clutching her stomach dramatically. "They look like slippers! Snow shoes!"
When Temari looked up and found the utterly serious expression on Sasuke's face, her gasp of air was cut off by another burst of laughter.
"Whatever," said Sasuke. He then stomped his feet on the welcome mat, which highlighted the entrance of the shop, and his "snow shoes" crumbled to a pile on the mat. He passed Temari, who was still giggling profusely, and headed towards the employee's change room.
Once inside, Sasuke removed his wet socks, jeans, sweater, and his t-shirt. He removed the shirt with care, aware that it wasn't in much better shape than his jacket, and as he changed into his uniform, he knew he looked goofy.
It wasn't an unpleasent place to work. His co-workers and his boss were decent. It was close enough to his apartment, which was also in Downtown South Konoha, or 'the rough side of town' as the polite kids at his school called it.
Private school wasn't like television had led him to believe. The place wasn't crawling with rich snobs. Well, not snobs. They didn't care he was there on scholarship. They treated each other with dignity and respect, for the most part. And they were friendly enough towards him.
Especially at the beginning. When he walked in there with his chin up and his face unfeeling and with disregard for everyone else, his classmates were intrigued.
But, the thing is, brooding and isolating yourself from others is only mysterious and cool in the first half of highschool. By the second half, your peers expect you to be open and happy and to have the ability to recruit crowds and friends. But Sasuke never evolved in that way and it left him alone. Separate. And back then it was fine.
Back then.
"You almost done? It's getting busier out here." Sasuke looked up and found Temari, or rather, her head in the doorway. He merely nodded at her, and followed her into the shop to begin his shift.
\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/
The stairway of Sasuke's apartment building was, for the most part, dark. The power barely ever worked properly out there. One lamp at the top of the stairs flickered off and on occasionally, and the wooden stairs groaned dangerously loud as he climbed them. When he reached his floor, wind flung itself at him, and it might have felt cold if his body weren't already numb.
Sasuke had a small broken smile on his face when he saw his swear word-covered apartment door.
Home, sweet home.
He entered the apartment, and he smelled dew and old paint. When he hit the light switch, the lights buzzed and flickered before adopting a steady glow. He removed his wet shoes with their dirty shoelaces, and his holey jacket, and placed them on the floor next to the door. He'd found his coat hanger already ripped off the wall the day he'd moved in. There was no closet.
He wandered into his kitchen and opened a cupboard. He reached in and removed a bag of ramen. Ramen-- one of his guilty pleasures. He'd hated it when his parents-- when he was younger. It was too salty, and the noodles tasted like cardboard to him back then. The taste had grown on him. It was familiar.
His boisterous class and his acquaintances grew on him to an extent, too. They were also familiar.
Familiarity was important to Sasuke. One day people-- people are there, and the next day, they're not. And then you move from home to home, family to family, never really considering them homes or families.
Sasuke realized that his water was boiling. He added the noodles to the water, and while he waited for them to cook, he removed some chopsticks from a kitchen drawer.
Afterwards, he settled with his bowl of ramen at his dinner table (which doubled as a computer desk and bookstand). And as he swallowed a mouthful of noodles, his body felt uncomfortable with the introduction of something so hot into a body so cold.
His apartment was quiet. His refrigerator hummed from somewhere behind him, and that added to the quiet, the space, empty space.
A heaviness settled on his shoulders, in his arms. There was this ache, in his legs, in his fingers. Holding the chopsticks was trickier than usual.
As he stared at nothing in the quiet, he decided he was going to sleep this exhaustion away. He didn't have to work for several days, because of the holidays.
His train of thought led him back to that afternoon, at school, to his classmates sharing their holiday memories. They all had this look. It was so real. They were together, happily, like those people at the restaurant, and they knew they were going home that day to be just as together with their families...
Sasuke looked up, at the picture frame on his table, with a photo in the middle of his parents. They stared at Sasuke, and he stared back.
Sasuke stood up, abruptly, chair dragging across the floor with a groan. He grabbed the picture viciously, and threw it. The picture frame hit a far wall and it's glass shattered with a deeply satisfying smash and a clack as the frame hit the floor.
Sasuke's breathing was hard, and his hands were clenched into fists, his slight shoulders tight. He hated it, he hated it, but there was anguish around his eyes, and he hated it.
With a ragged breath, he leaned heavily against his table, palms down, gripping it. As the silence settled around him like dust, everything else settled too, on him, so heavy, his situation, his life.
He spent the weekend alone, sleeping his exhaustion away.