When he wasn't there, it was like a physical ache.
They couldn't be together all the time, this he had made abundantly clear. There were times he fought without her, and, as much as she despised these times, she had yet to persuade him (or anyone else) to let her come to these fights.
They were at different skill levels, and he was a man. Though she attempted to convince him many times, the conversation always went the same way: a defeat on her part.
She would explain to him that she had fought with no experience and done fine. He would say it was part luck and part his, Alec, and Isabelle's protection. She would raise her eyebrow, and he would then hastily add in that it was no secret that she had plenty of raw talent, but he worried about her.
"I can't protect anyone else if I'm too worried about protecting you. You must know by now … I would put everyone's safety below your own if I had to make that choice. Don't make me make that choice, Clarissa."
Clarissa. That was the name he used when he tried to get her to listen. Whenever he pulled the 'Clarissa' card, she always relented. Maybe it was the way he said 'Clarissa,' or maybe it was just that he chose to use that name when he was really being serious. Either way, she always listened better. His logic always wormed its way through her defenses.
She would try to approach the argument from the angle that he did dangerous things, too, above his skill level, and he never got hurt. But this was a fruitless argument, because he would only laugh like a maniac and then dare her to ask the infirmary how many wounds they had tended him for, how many iratzes Alec and Isabelle had written into his skin. She had yet to take him up on this dare. She didn't want to think of him hurt.
"As I don't want to think of you hurt."
And he would say that in a really deep, masculine voice, and his golden eyes always got a little darker, like a lovely shade of amber, and his hair always managed to fall in his face in a really sexy way when he said that. And when that perfect storm happened, she could barely remember her own name, much less the follow up to that argument.
She would argue that she was learning, and how could she ever get better if she never had any practice? He would raise his eyebrows. This argument is weak, and they both know it. But he still answers, patiently, like they haven't had this conversation 20 times already. 20 times already this week, for that matter.
"You practice like every Shadowhunter has done before you; in a controlled environment, with a teacher guarding you, in a situation that we can instantly take a hold of if things get out of hand, in a situation where I know you're safe."
And even though she's a Shadowhunter, and therefore she is strong, independent, and fierce, the thought that her perfect boyfriend wants to guard her turns her into a damsel in distress, and she suddenly thinks, 'it's not so bad if my boyfriend wants to keep me safe.'
Sometimes, when she's feeling particularly Shadowhunter-y, and less girlfriend-y, she'll hit him where she knows it hurts. She reminds him she is a target; she has skills that no other Shadowhunter has, and therefore, there is a hefty sum on her head. Since they returned from Idiris, the fights have been more brutal and more concentrated, and it's because they are special now. One day, he may not be there to protect her, and then, what will she do? She needs to be in these situations now, before it's too late for him to be there, before she might have to stand on her own.
"That will never happen. I simply will not let it."
His eyes flash, like gold being made in a fire, sparking and volatile. It's that look that has inspired fear in many of his enemies, and sometimes even his friends. She has never been scared of him, obviously, since she knows that she only has to reach out and stroke his hair, and his body will melt, but when she has yet to do that, and his eyes are fierce and his stance is tense, like a snake ready to strike, she remembers just who her boyfriend really is.
And then there was this one time, only once, where she went even further than reminding him that he may not always be there to protect her. Once, she reminded him of how she feels when he's gone. I miss you so much, she says. I think of you constantly, I can't get anything done; I'm terrified until I see your face again. She told him that she had never been so scared previously, and when he comes back in less than perfect condition, she feels those wounds like they've been inflicted on her as well. His wounds are her wounds, just as they should be in a relationship of their caliber. By leaving, he hurts her, inadvertently, every time.
"Do not say these things to me, Clarissa Morgenstern. This is my duty. I gave my heart to you, but I am a Shadowhunter, and I always will be. If this is too difficult for you, we need to reevaluate our relationship."
Oh, he was angry. It wasn't what she was expecting. She was expecting melting, and guilt, but he surprised her, as he frequently does. However, usually the surprises are nice, like when he wakes her up and takes her to the greenhouse, and they kiss until the sun comes up, just because. Or when, one day after training, they took the long way home, and went swimming in a lake and lay in the grass, staring at the clouds. Or the day she came home and headed to her bedroom, only to find that all her stuff had been moved into his room, because he swears that he can't fall asleep anymore when she's not there. This was not a good surprise. It cut her that he may one day choose to risk his life before choosing to be with her.
This was the battle they would fight for years. Clary faced insecurity as a Shadowhunter, hyper aware that her boyfriend once threatened to break up with her before take her on a mission because she made the mistake of opening up to him about how much she missed him when he was gone. She would worry about it right up until the day they got married, and that's the reason their marriage almost didn't happen, because what if he once chose to be a Shadowhunter before being a father?
That fight, in a deep red and sparkling dress (because white is the color of mourning, you don't get married in white dresses when you're a Shadowhunter), and a jet black Tuxedo jacket, was the closest they ever got to walking away. He was furious that she thought so little of him. She was angry that he ever said they should walk away if she couldn't handle him being a Shadowhunter. He called her a hypocrite, because by this time, he wasn't the only one going on life- threatening missions. She furiously replied that she had never put Shadowhunting above him. He begged her to give an example of when he did.
And they regressed back to the old battle: when he left her to go be a Shadowhunter, and she had to stay home, because she wasn't experienced enough.
"You're so stupid, Clarissa. You still don't see it?"
"See what, Jonathan? See that you picked Shadowhunting over me a million times, that you left me home while you went gallivanting off with Isabel and Alec, dismissing me because I couldn't handle it, according to you, the supreme authority of all things Shadowhunter? You know what you didn't see? You didn't see me cry for hours when you were late to come home, desperately clutching your pillow and praying to the angel that you were okay, that you were just goofing off with your brother and sister and lost track of time. You didn't see me when Isabel and Alec brought you home, bloody, bruised and unconscious, wondering if you would ever wake up, or if you had finally pushed yourself hard enough, past the point of no return. You didn't see my insecurities that you were just dismissing me because you needed to be away from me, that you secretly regretted the whole thing. And you didn't see me on all the nights when we were supposed to have a date, and you'd call and say something came up, and I was in a pretty dress and my hair was up, but I wasn't good enough for you. That's what you don't see."
He looked like a million volts had gone through him. He looked beautiful of course, he was the most beautiful person on the planet, but he didn't look like her future husband; he looked like her boyfriend that just had his world rocked.
"That's what this whole thing was about? All those stupid fights we had, when all I thought you wanted to do is experience a rush and kill demons?"
He laughed.
"We're the stupidest people alive, and we're together. Do you know how wrong that is? Do you know how wrong we are for each other? I always think you want to be a Shadowhunter above all else, and you always think I want to be a Shadowhunter above all else. I always thought when you'd beg to come, you just wanted to be a Shadowhunter. Oh, you said it was about me, you were just worried, but I never believed it. I never thought I deserved you. I never thought I could keep your attention. I was so scared to lose you before I was ready, so I never let you go. I was so terrified to look over during a battle and see a monster lunge at you, and you to swing one second too late, or miss just by a little, and see you die. I never let you go, because I couldn't imagine that kind of pain. I was scared that you'd love being a Shadowhunter, that you'd want to run away and focus on that."
He was pacing now. She had never seen him look so focused.
"And you think I wanted space from you, or I loved Shadowhunting more than you? Clarissa Morgenstern, you silly girl. How many times do I have to tell you? Love has made me stronger than anything else. I'm strong enough to give up Shadowhunting, to change my entire life. The only thing I'm not strong enough to do is live in a world where you don't exist. You matter more to me than anything else in the world, combined, tenfold. By the angel, Clary … you are my entire world. I would never try to hurt you. I love you."
And she was looking at him, and she was getting mad.
"You ass. You couldn't have said this before? I'm going to cry, you big idiot, and it's just because you couldn't say what you meant until this very moment? I'm going to cry, and I have less than ten minutes before I have to walk down an aisle in front my entire world. You couldn't have said this before I put my makeup on, before I got into this pretty dress that I'm sure stains with saltwater? Jonathan Lightwood, you have the worst timing of any individual on the planet!"
He laughed more, and he kissed her, and she kissed back, and, yes, she did cry. But thankfully, Isabel was in her wedding party, so she walked down the aisle ten minutes later, looking as beautiful as ever, and more aware than ever of the truth: she and Jace are Shadowhunters, but, more importantly, they're in love. Love makes you the weakest person on the planet, but it could also make you the strongest. As she walks down the aisle, looking at the only person she could never look away from, she's sure of her future.
There will be more battles. Some will be with demons, and some will be with each other. Some may be over dishes, laundry, or politics. Some will be over their sacred duties and sacred gifts. Sometimes they'll argue about what to name their future children, or how many future children, or whose turn it is to help Isabel in the kitchen. Sometimes they'll scream and slam doors, and tears will fall, and they'll swear they're the worst pair in the world. Sometimes they'll argue until they start laughing. They'll call each other idiots and fools. They'll fight until they forget what they started arguing about. They might end up in the training room, sparring with each other until they are both bruised and winded.
They will always make up. They will laugh, and kiss, and promise perfect things to each other among moans and sweat and sheets. They will wake up in each other's arms and remember what they fight for is precious. They will swear they will never fight again, but they will both know they will, because they are Shadowhunters, and this is what they do. They will hold each other until they find breathing difficult. They will kiss until they run out of breath, hug until their arms cramp. They will stare at the rings on each other's hands and remember what they fight for: they fight for love, and they fight for each other.
They are Jace and Clary, and they are stronger together.
A/N: I hope you enjoyed my first foray into the wonderful relationship of Jace and Clary! I love these two, so I can't wait to write more about them! If you have any questions or comments, please review this story! I'd love to hear from all of you! Thanks!