I'm in here

"Sometimes it's better not to know"

I heard this phrase thousands of time, still, I just think this is total bullshit, at least for a person like me.

There's nothing worst then not knowing what's happening around you, you're left out, you're powerless, you don't even know what or who is the enemy to face and that's scarier then anything else.

I watch my reflection at the mirror and I don't recognize myself, it's me… but it's not.

Everyone thinks they know you and they can judge you "she's cute, she's smart, she's got everything" but what is everything? What do you know?

Looking at yourself and don't liking what you see, feeling alone and scared all the time, having your friends hiding things from you, being told you're nothing… is that everything?

You want to scream, you're breaking down but you can't show it up, you're the strong one.

So you just put some make up on trying to hide the tears that streamed down your face all night and you try to hide the dark circles under your eyes because you didn't sleep.

You can't sleep.

Nightmares.

They're the worst.

You can't close your eyes, all your fears would get you so you just stare at the white wall in your room shivering at every little sound in the night.

You can hear the clock ticking, each second seems to last too long.

The morning after you smile and you know no one will look after that, no one will notice that your eyes are neurotically running here and there across the room and when they stop, finding a second of peace, when your mind totally blacks out and you feel like floating… then the reality slaps you again, grabs you, it's trying to suffocate you and you gasp for air, you try to scream for help but no one listens.

You're alone.

You're afraid.

No, you're terrified.

•••

I put the pen down looking at the confused words on my diary and I don't realize I'm crying until a tear drops on the paper.

My whole body is shaking and I can't stop it, once again I feel powerless. Weak.

I feel someone's behind me but I don't want to look, it's probably another illusion, I'm going crazy, everyone thinks that and I'm starting to think they're right, I wouldn't believe it at first but… the truth is I am. I really am going crazy.

Someone's softly touching my hair and it feels so real.. so comforting.

Whoever it is behind me sits on the chair next to mine.

We just sit there in silence for a couple of minutes until my breath gets a bit more regular.

I slowly open my eyes.

Stile's next to me, staring, waiting.

I try to say something but I don't know what to say.

He stops me putting a finger on my lips. He keeps stroking my hair.

I don't even think I don't love him, not as I love Jackson, I just know he's there and for once after a long time I feel safe.

"I'm here" he says "It will be okay. I'm gonna tell you everything"

And that's all.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

A.N. Hope you liked this, please write a comment and let me know what you think. This fic focus on Lydia's pov on everything that's going on, even the strongest people can break down specially when they don't see how strong they are.

At the end I just wanted someone to actually be there for her and tell her that it gets better, it's not about her love for Stiles or Jackson or whatever as I wanted to specify in the fic. I chose Stiles because he really loves her and he's been there for her all the time and since Jackson was a bit busy with the "lizard thing" I think Stiles'd be more appropriate and realistic for the role.