set after 4x09

When you kissed me, that was when I knew. When I knew we had finally come full circle, you and I. One year ago, I could have loved you, but you never gave me the chance. One year ago, you stopped me cold. One year ago I would not have thought that you would press me against the wall and kiss me like you did yesterday. I would have given you the world, one year ago. Back when I was Caroline Forbes; vying for Miss Mystic Falls, seventeen years old and under your brother's compulsion. Back when I needed someone good, like you, to love me. But I don't need someone like you, not anymore. Not when all I need is me.

Last night I put my hands on your chest, holding my breath and waiting for you to walk away. That was what you did and I almost gave a sigh until you turned and kissed me again, hands gripping my face like I used to wish you would. I knew I could not love you last night like I could have one year ago, back when you told me not to fall for you. But there we were, there was our chance to start a new chapter. I took that chance on you as you lifted me up and kissed softly, carrying me until we dropped on to my bed.

You loved me then, and I let you. But that was last night, when we could have started again.

Now I am cold. Wrapped inside the sheets, pinned underneath you and feeling the sweat between us. You are asleep, safe and warm. But I am cold and empty and I want you to leave. I want you gone so that I can shiver alone in my room, naked under the white covers. But here you are; your arm around me as you breathe slowly, softly. You sound peaceful to my ears but I am restless and cold. When you touch me, I don't feel your warmth, I just shiver. And shiver.

I am like this room, empty and worn. Nothing is wrong, I swear. Last night was fun, I promise. I'd even do it again. Maybe.

But you don't love me. Your arm is draped over my waist and your chest is pressed on to my back, falling and rising closer and further to me. I can feel you; I can feel that you are warm. But the fingers grazing my hip bones make me shiver. When a foot slips, or a finger strokes my arm, the touch is cold. Your touch is cold and I am cold underneath these sheets. Who knew I could still feel cold?

You sigh and my heart aches as I wait for you. I want you gone because when you wake you will know the same feeling. You won't mean those words you said last night, you won't remember how you felt. You can press a kiss to my shoulder and pull me in close, pretending I am her, but I know that we can never be the ones we want each other to be. And when you wake, you will feel the chill of recognition. You cannot love me like her.

You sleep peacefully but I need to start picking up the pieces and you don't have the right to tell me I don't have to pretend around you. Because from now on, we both have to. I know that after last night, we can never go back, and we can never go forward. You can't spend the day calling me beautiful and buying me chocolates. Only I get to do that. And you don't love me, so please get out of my bed and on to yours so that I can shower and scrub myself new again. You can't love me because I can never let you. You can kiss me and call me sweet words. You can act like what we have is meaningful, but you can never love me. Not like you love her. And that is what makes me shiver; knowing that I might never be enough for you and you might never be enough for me, no matter how hard we try to fool ourselves. You said that I don't have to pretend with you, so here is our truth:

I am cold and I want you to wake and realize that I am struggling with you against me. I want you to wake and notice that the arm you keep comfortably moving up to hug my chest, is being pushed away. Don't pull me in closer, stop acting. I hear you, your pulse is faster and you swallow. You are awake and you pretend that I am her. But I have been awake far longer than you and you can never replace him. We were fools to think that we could ever try to make something when our story ended long ago.

We had our chance. I could have loved you and you could have loved me. But you pushed me away and I let you because I didn't deserve anyone's love but his. And you deserved better than the person I was those months ago. So I push and push until you can no longer feign sleep, until I am alone on my side of the bed, bunching up the sheets closer and trying to keep warm and as far away from you as possible.

You open your eyes to look at me and I see that you see it now, too. We cannot have our fairy tale; we cannot just have our own happy ending. Not one where we're together. Because when you told me it was never going to happen between us, you were right. That is what makes the very idea of us so tragic. You decided to side with fate, Stefan Salvatore. And fate decided to side with you.

We were never meant to end up together. You knew when you kissed me, you knew when you walked into my room. You knew. And yet you decided to take back your words and press your lips to mine like I wanted you to one year ago, when I young and insecure and I wanted the new boy, before I knew what I would have to go through just to get to now with you. But our story ended before it even began, you made sure of that. And yet you kissed me, despite all those things you said. You kissed me and pretended that we could still have that chance. So now you stare at me and register that I am not her and you are not him.

"C'mere, cutie," You whisper. And I shiver because my room suddenly feels arctic.

You put a hand to warm me and I look at you, even more confused as I inch back towards your chest. We never had a chance in hell of being together, not after her, not after him, not after what you made of us. But you smile at me and kiss my lips and pull me in close even though I will never be her and you can never come close to him. I can't understand, and those words you spoke still run fresh through my head, my mind screaming for me to push you away like you did me. I want to push you away.

You are a fool for thinking we can pretend. And yet, you slowly fall back asleep murmuring my name and make me feel the warmth of a new beginning. I am a bigger fool for thinking this could actually work. But you press a kiss to my temple and I decide that I do not care that our story started with The End.

I will be your fool.