First of all, I am amazed a true Sonic Unleashed parody hasn't been made yet. Anyway, before you all start saying that this is copying jackattack555's Sonic Adventure parody fic, may I remind you that he does not own the whole "player commentary" thing. If anyone would have any complaints about it "copying" anything, it should be the damn guy himself.
I do not own Sega, Sonic, Warehogs, or any of that stuff.
We start with a view of the world. The blueness of the ocean and the greeness of the earth. We move away just as Superman starts turning back time, as we see a bunch of space crafts.
The player starts to hum the Imperial March.
We go to a particular craft. A red one that is bigger than the others. The camera zooms inside and we see everyone's favorite eggheaded bad guy, Eggman.
"He. He he. Haha. HAHAHA!" He starts laughing. "God I love Comedy Central. Let's see how my plans to rule the world are going."
He looks up as a figure is now on the craft. The camera zooms in to show the gloryhog himself, Sonic, standing there without a space suit, with a fire behind him.
"HOW?" Eggman yells. "Oh, wait... nearly forgot this was Sega."
The blue hedgehog runs at several robots. "Excuse me, coming through, pardon, sorry, in a hurry." He said as he sped past the robots, who then proceeded to explode.
The player sighs. "Fat guy comes out in a robot in 3... 2... 1... now."
And sure enough, Eggman comes out in a robot.
"Fat guy tries to catch the hedgehog but fails in 3... 2..." The player says.
"I get it, I'm predictable" Eggman says.
"Well maybe you should get a life." The player argues.
"You're the one having a conversation with a video game." Eggman says.
"... Damn it."
Eggman tries to grab Sonic, but the speedy little hedgehog escapes.
"Now for my secret weapon." Eggman proclaims. "An extending arm."
"That's original." The player sarcasticaly says.
Eggman just grumbles and uses the arm. It chases after Sonic.
"Oh no, a robotic arm. However will I avoid it..." Sonic said, but his sarcasm made him get caught. "I have to be less sarcastic when stuff like this happens."
The arm retracts back to the robot.
"HAHAHA! I KNEW ALL THOSE HOURS PLAYING THE CLAW MACHINE WOULD PAY OFF!" Eggman yells.
However, Sonic starts to glow as 7 or 8 emeralds surround him. They disappear, a flash of light occurs, and our favorite DragonBall Z ripoff is there.
"Hello Goku." The player says.
Super Sonic breaks out of the hand and crashes through the robot.
"Oh... uh... BYE!" Eggman yells as he ejects the head from the robot just before it explodes and flys away.
"Oh no you don't." Sonic says as he flys after him. Yakkety Sax starts playing.
Eggman flys up hallways, shutting robotic doors to try and stop the now golden hedgehog, but it fails.
Meanwhile, on a cooking show.
"So we add the rosemary, now what Martha?" A male host asks.
"Well that's nice. Now we add the milk... that's nice." Martha says.
"Ok, milk. The milk is added, so now we..." The male host says.
"That's nice, now we sacrifice a lamb to Satan and use it's blood as icing and put it in the shape of a pentagram... that's nice." Martha says.
"We don't have any goats Martha."
"That's nice, well I guess you will have to do." Martha then pulls out a satanic ritual knife.
"For the love of god somebody help."
At that moment, Eggman flys through, and is then followed by Sonic. The male host runs out the hole in the door.
Martha stares on. "... That's nice. I guess we'll have to use the camera man."
"Wait, what?" The camera man asks as Martha moves closer with the knife. "Wait, no, no, no. AHHHHHHHHH!"
They leave the first craft just as it explodes, with sound and everything. They then fly over to an oddly shaped craft.
"I can make so many jokes right now... But I won't. Not in good taste." The player says.
A few minutes later, Eggman finally crashes and flys halfway across the room. Sonic enters and approaches him.
"NO! PLEASE, HAVE MERCY! THERE HAVE BEEN SO MANY THINKS I STILL HAVE TO SEE, SO MANY MCDONALDS LEFT TO EAT AT! PLEASE, I BEG YOU! I'LL CHANGE! I'LL BE GOOD! I'LL BECOME SANTA CLAUSE!" Eggman pleas.
"Wow, you repenting? That's new." Sonic states. "But it's to late Eggman. I'm gonna do to you what I should have done a long time ago."
"GOTCHYA!" Eggman yells before pushing a button.
Four... I really don't know how to explain it. Floor claw? I don't know. Anyway, it goes up and shoots Sonic with electricity, stopping him in his tracks and sending the chaos emeralds to the floor.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH! MY DOCTOR TOLD ME NOT TO GET ELECTROCUTED WITH ANYTHING THAT COULD TURN ME INTO A HAIRY MONSTER FOR A CRAPPY GAME!" Sonic yells.
"Woah, I actually did something right. Now I can fulfill my master plan." Eggman proclaims. He then runs to a control panel.
"And... what would that be Egghead? Taking over McDonalds?" Sonic sarcastically asks in pain.
"I only tried that 9 times. And no, I am going to summon... the plot device."
"Jesus Christ, no."
"HAHAHA! NOW WATCH AS I FIRE A BEAM AT THE PLANET AND MAKE THIS CRAFT LOOK EVEN MORE WEIRD THAN IT ALREADY IS!"
Eggman presses a button, sending said beam at the planet, casting a purple throughout the planet. Sonic, meanwhile, is getting full shock therapy while the chaos emeralds are used as power for the electricity. The planet starts to break apart. Suddenly, Sonic starts growing more hair, gets longer teeth and claws and his fur turns darker.
"By god... Sonic's finally hit puberty." The player states.
The electricity stops and Sonic, who now looks like a horrible Teen Wolf look alike, falls to the ground. The chaos emeralds also fall down, but they have lost their colour.
"... Woah. I actually succeeded... I RULE!" Eggman yells.
"You've really done it now Eggman." Sonic growls.
"You look different. That look suits you. You should keep it."
"Ok... and how about I give you a new "mauled by a wearhog" look?"
"Um... pass."
"To bad."
"Well Sonic, I think it's time for you to go." Eggman then presses another button and a glass shield covers him. Then he presses a third button and the hatch opens. Sonic trys to hang on, grabbing the ground, a metal pole, a mime, and Carrot Top. He still flys out, but he at least takes Carrot Top with him.
"I actually won... HEY, GREG! YOU OWE ME A THOUSAND BUCKS!" Eggman yells.
We then see the title, and we then go to Sonic, who is still falling. He falls for a good 30 seconds, then... he stops for some reason, then starts falling again.
"Well... he's a goner." The player states.
Sonic finally hits the ground. After a few seconds, he gets up.
"Oh, right... Sega." The player says.
"Woah, that was a huge fall." Sonic states
"And yet you haven't got a single scratch or bruise." The player retaliates.
"It's a game moron."
"Doesn't mean you can't have some physics in it."
"You're wasting your time."
"How come?"
"Well for starters, you're arguing with a video game."
The player has a blank stare. "Damn it. Twice in one chapter? I really do need a life."
Sonic turns around and sees an unconscious purple thing.
"OH CRAP! I KILLED SOMEONE!" Sonic yells. "Ok, don't panic Sonic, stay calm and act natu... I'M SO SCREWED!"
The purple thing starts to move.
"AH! ZOMBIE!" Sonic yells.
"I don't want any chocolate." The purple thing says.
"Great, only a few seconds and I'm already annoyed by that guy." The player says.
The purple thing flys up.
"Hey, are you ok?" Sonic asks.
"I'm ok..." The thing asks, turning around and looking at Sonic. "AHHHH!" The thing then flys behind a rock.
"What the?" Sonic asks himself.
"I TOLD ONE OF YOUR PEOPLE MONTHS AGO, I WILL NOT COSPLAY WITH YOU FREAKS!" The thing yells.
"Um... what?"
"Never mind... um... hi Mr Monster man."
"Mr Monster man? Where? That guy owes me fifty bucks."
"No, I mean you."
"What? Oh, right... the fur and teeth."
"And claws."
"Right..."
"WOULD SOMETHING TO ADVANCE THE STORY HAPPEN ALREADY?" The player yells.
"So who are you?" Sonic asks.
"Um... I don't know." The thing says.
"Great... Next pointless character." The player says.
"You don't remember your name?" Sonic asks.
"No. All I remember is running away from the Japanese mafia and some Chinese guys who want to cook me for some sort of spicy purple flying thing who like chocolate dish, then everything went blank." The thing says. "Who are you?"
Sonic then goes into the stupidest pose ever. "I'm Sonic, Sonic the Hedgehog."
"Ok Sonic... how did you become that?" The thing asks.
"I don't really know. But I need to find a way out of it."
The sun rises, and sonic suddenly glows.
"Woah, the LSD is kicking in." The player states. "Wait... I don't take drugs... But I probably will after playing this."
After a minute, sonic is back to normal.
The thing looks at Sonic. "Woah. Is that what you really look like?"
"Yes, yes it is." Sonic says.
"Wow... you're actually a chick?" The thing asks.
"What? No, I'm a guy."
"Really, woah. You had me fooled for a minute."
"And what does that mean?"
"Forget it. *snicker*"
"Well the chaos emeralds are useless, so let's try and do stuff."
"I'll come with."
The player sighs. "I have a really bad feeling about this."
"Alright." Sonic says. "And hey, maybe we'll get your memory back."
"Yeah." The thing says. "So which way do we go?"
"... I don't know. I just usually follow some rings and I end up where I'm meant to be." Sonic sates.
"Ok then. Let's go." The thing says.
The player looks relieved. "Finally, I get to play something."
As soon as the level starts, Sonic starts to run around all over the place. The player's relief vanishes.
"... Screw this, it's refund time." The player then gets up, takes the game out of the console, and leaves.
So yeah, that's the first chapter. If people don't get offended by the "Japanese mafia and Chinese" line, then I'm doing my job right. So yeah, more humor to come.