Of Sneezes and Weasels
Disclaimer: No, I don't own Naruto. Hence the term FANfiction, meaning it was written by FANs, which means that I don't own it since I'm technically a FAN. Yeah...
Author's Note: Oh, boy, my first multi-chapter fic! Woot! This is a pure crack pairing, but I just can't help but keep thinking that Temari and Itachi are an awesome couple. Even if they never converse in the series...but whatever. Anyhow, this is also my first attempt at humor instead of my stupid romances, so it may not be completely hilarious like you might expect, so yeah. Um...OOC-ness might occur, especially on Itachi's part. It's hard to write in character when the character you're writing about has just about no personality whatsoever. Temari, on the other hand...I might've written her a bit happy-go-lucky-ish. About the title...read to find out.
Enjoy!
Chapter One: Of Introductions and Picnics
The man stared at the young couple in contempt. He had not expected things to end up as they were.
Uchiha Itachi slaughtered his clan with one thought in his mind- that they were pathetic. This was the whole reason he massacred his own family: to later replenish the Uchiha clan's lost and forgotten power and to eliminate their weak and useless. Of course, that was also the reason he left his younger brother alive since he believed the boy had potential, a good trait for their future descendants.
Nevertheless, despite his faith in Sasuke, he didn't foresee that his brother would end up trying to revive their clan with such a weak kunoichi. After all, the girl had no particular talent that he could detect, and she had naturally pink hair. Pink. He would not allow their descendants to have pink hair. He shivered at the idea, but then stopped. It could have been worse. The boy could have ended up gay. Itachi began shivering again.
Suddenly remembering that he was stalking his little brother and his girlfriend instead of going after the Kyuubi like he was supposed to, Itachi leapt from his perch and not-so-casually strolled to the cheap hotel he and Kisame were staying at.
"Oi, Itachi-san, were you stalking your little bro again?" the shark-like man asked lazily as the man in question entered, lounging on the only chair provided in their room.
The Uchiha didn't reply, instead toying with the small bells on his straw hat, deep in thought.
"You really should stop doing that," Kisame went on, referring to his partner's stalking habits and ignoring his partner's lack of interest. "You're risking getting discovered."
"Hn. I'm going out for a walk." And thus, Itachi left as quickly as he had arrived.
Kisame shouted after his already-gone partner, "Just stay out of everyone's sight!"
Itachi, having exited the inn by then, was unable to hear, therefore also being unable to reply, which meant he was unable to whack Kisame for thinking he was so incompetent as to be caught by the enemy. In shorter words, Itachi didn't answer back.
Trudging in the shadows of buildings and trees, looking as inconspicuous as a man in the telltale Akatsuki attire could, Itachi observed the villagers below him who were scurrying about Konohagakure. The fools.
Glancing around the streets, he recognized several faces from previous encounters. There, walking into a bookstore, was Hatake Kakashi, and sitting together outside a tea house were Yuuhi Kurenai and Sarutobi Asuma. He noticed his target, Uzumaki Naruto, walking with the pink-haired girl his brother was currently dating. Haruno Sakura...even her name was lacking.
Averting his gaze to the next pair in the streets, Itachi saw Nara Shikamaru, the man who had defeated Hidan, and an older blond girl with smooth, suntanned skin accompanying the shadow manipulator. What intrigued him about this new person was that she had what appeared to be a very large fan strapped to her back and her Suna forehead protector. Apparently a Sand kunoichi on a diplomatic mission, the girl held her head high with dignity, indicating an awareness of her probably superior status.
The reason Sasuke hadn't chosen someone like this unnamed girl over Sakura was lost to Itachi. The Sand kunoichi seemingly had strength (he sensed an impressive amount of chakra from her), was probably of at least jounin level, and was strikingly beautiful. The pink-haired love interest of his brother, on the other hand, was only strong when she used her chakra attacks, had just average chakra reserves, was only a chuunin, and had pink hair. Well…Sakura was rather pretty, despite her abominable hair color, but Itachi would never admit that Sasuke had a good taste in women.
Itachi looked away, focusing on the Kyuubi container once more to distract himself from his slightly disturbing thoughts. He wondered how the hyperactive, blond teenager could possibly have the Kyuubi no Kitsune, the nine-tailed fox, at bay inside of him. He was probably the last person anyone would expect to have the most powerful of the nine demon lords sealed within their body.
The seventeen year-old he had to watch was currently with his girlfriend, the Hyuuga heiress, at the Ichiraku Ramen Shop, stuffing the unhealthy noodles in his face. Still cloaked by shadows, the Akatsuki member moved closer to the pair and listened in on their conversation.
"Naruto-kun, you shouldn't eat so fast. You're going to choke," the girl said softly.
As if he were waiting for her permission or cue, Naruto began choking. Swallowing the noodles, he replied with a sheepish grin, "Sorry, Hinata-chan," and began eating again. Ironically (or was it stupidly?), he was eating at his previous pace, clearly having not learned his lesson.
The dark-haired girl shook her head, but let out a small giggle that betrayed the original emotion she was trying to portray. Giving up her attempt to look annoyed at the blonde, she kissed him on the cheek. At this point, Itachi had turned away from his target, deciding that retrieving the blond teen would be an easy enough task to accomplish.
Upon the realization that he had absolutely nothing to do, he decided walking aimlessly around his former village would hopefully compensate for his boredom. Once again pondering how Sasuke had ended up falling for a girl with pink hair, the elder of the Uchiha brothers lost himself in his thought. He completely forgot about remaining hidden when…
SLAM!
The prodigy ran into someone who was slightly shorter than him, and they both fell somewhat ungracefully onto their butts.
"Ow!" a female voice exclaimed. Itachi looked to see that he had bumped into the blond girl from earlier. She had an agitated expression on her face. "Ugh… This is why I don't like the layout of Konoha…too many random turns," she muttered to herself.
After mumbling an incoherent apology to her, he said, "Talking to yourself is the first sign of insanity."
"I suppose you would know from experience," she retorted, glowering.
"Hn."
"Sorry about walking into you. I'm Temari."
"Itachi."
"Bless you." His eyebrow twitched slightly.
"No, my name's Itachi."
"Your name means 'weasel'?"
He gave a stiff nod.
"Your parents must not have liked you very much to name you 'weasel'." Itachi didn't know how to take this. She continued thoughtfully, "But, then again, my little bro's name means 'self-loving carnage' so yours isn't that bad."
He scowled. This girl who he had estimated to be two years younger than him was insulting his name.
"My name isn't that one that means soy sauce," he said condescendingly.
"Hey! It's Temari, not Tamari!" she objected, placing her hands on her hips in a defiant manner. ((A/N: Tamari is a type of Japanese soy sauce.))
"Whatever." His indifference evident, he began to return to the hotel.
"Wait!" Temari ran up to block his path. "Weasel-san, you're a missing-nin?" She was glancing at his forehead protector with the indicative slash through the Konoha leaf symbol.
He glowered at the blonde's new name for him. "It's Itachi. And yes, I am. Now go away." Itachi began glaring at her, hopefully into submission.
She grinned. "Don't bother with the evil deathglares because my little brother has the evilest glare ever, so whatever you throw at me is pretty useless."
With an inward and unheard groan, he tried to continue his lethargic trek back to the inn. He almost grinned when he noticed she wasn't following him. Almost.
Contradicting his earlier thoughts, the female in question shouted after him, "Oi, Weasel-san!"
"What?" he asked with increasing impatience.
She smirked at the nukenin's exasperation. "Well…since you and I are both obviously ninja and you seem to have nothing to do or look forward to from the way you were talking…I wanted to ask if you would train with me."
Training with her? That insufferable girl? Well…he was admiring her earlier, so it might not be too bad, even if she was an extremely annoying kunoichi.
"…Fine…" he finally answered her, albeit a bit reluctantly.
"Perfect! Meet me at the gate." With that, she left a somewhat speechless Itachi. Had he really just accepted to train a girl he had just met?
As Itachi entered the hotel room, Kisame discerned his partner's thoughtful and vaguely troubled expression. "What's up?"
"Hn."
"You have your thinking face on. Something's up. Care to share?"
"No."
"Jeez, it's not like you were rejected by some hot babe. You probably wouldn't even bother talking to some hot babe." As the man with shark features said this, Itachi gave him a glare.
"No…"
"No? No what? No, you weren't rejected by some hot babe? Or no, you actually talked to some hot babe? Kami, did you talk to some hot babe?!" Kisame threw question after question at the Uchiha.
Eyebrow twitching once more, the Sharingan master calmly stated in his deadliest voice, "No, I was not rejected," thus effectively shutting up his partner.
Not taking the threatening hint, the shark-man persisted, "So...you talked to some hot babe?!!"
"Talked, yes. 'Hot babe'…sort of." The prodigy was not yet ready to admit that he had just met and spoke with a rather pretty girl.
Kisame stared in complete disbelief. "You're kidding…right?"
"Hn."
And that's how Hoshigaki Kisame died of a heart attack. Just kidding, he only went into a state of shock.
"I'm going to sleep now," Itachi informed his unmoving teammate.
The shark-like man mutely nodded, a stunned look in his eye and a belief that it was the apocalypse etched into his mind.
The next morning, before Kisame recovered from his previous shock and pestered him with stupid questions, Itachi left the hotel in search of Temari. Why? Because he had nothing better to do other than to wander aimlessly again. And look how that turned out.
Sighing, he promised to himself to make this training session quick. He didn't want to waste time playing ninja with the blond kunoichi who wasn't even from the village.
"Oi, Weasel-san!" called out a voice that was becoming more and more familiar. Temari ran up from behind him. "You came!"
"You sound surprised."
She shrugged. "I thought you didn't like me."
"I don't…but I like my partner even less." It was true; Itachi had a strong dislike for Kisame and his prying questions.
"Ah… It must suck to be you."
He thought 'Hell, yeah!' but said instead, "Hn."
"I'll take your word for it."
Itachi glared at the blonde. "Let's get this over with."
"Whatever you say, Weasel-san."
"Itachi."
"Bless you."
He glared some more. The kunoichi smiled innocently. Teal orbs met onyx. Together, the unlikely pair walked to the training grounds.
Along the way, Temari tried to make small talk with the Akatsuki. "So, Weasel-san, what sort of techniques do you use?"
Now, Itachi, not wanting to give away his identity, could not reveal his Sharingan and ancestry, so he would have to make up something else. "Fire."
She nodded. "That makes sense." And it should. After all, he was a former Leaf shinobi of the Fire Country, so it's only logical that he should have some fire attacks in his arsenal. Continuing her attempt at intelligent conversation, the girl said, "I use wind." Okay, maybe not so intelligent.
"Hn."
Observing how he seemed to be trying to stay concealed from all others' eyes, she inquired, "Why are you hiding?" He gave her a look, and she laughed at her accidental silliness. "Oh, right. Missing Leaf nin in Leaf Village. Got it."
He glared at her. She glared back. They had a glaring contest. But they were interrupted by their arrival at the training grounds.
Temari broke off from his gaze and announced in a singsong voice, "We're here!"
"I can see that," Itachi muttered. The Suna nin ignored his rude comment, pulling her supposed fan from the sash that bound it to her back. In one swift movement, she unfolded it, revealing that it was, indeed, a fan. A very large, iron fan.
"Ready?" he asked.
She replied with a smirk, "I should be asking you the same thing, Weasel-san."
If she was expecting a response, then she had been sorely disappointed since Uchiha Itachi is never betrayed by his emotions. Or something along those lines.
"Hn. Katon: Goukakyuu no Jutsu (Fire Release: Grand Fireball Technique)," he said, beginning their sparring.
Temari dodged the giant fireball by leaping to the side. The Uchiha wasn't impressed. She cried out, "Kamaitachi no Jutsu (Cutting Whirlwind Technique)!" and waved her fan, creating a huge gust of wind.
He simply sidestepped the otherwise dangerous technique. Noticing the immense damage her jutsu did to the trees he had just been standing in front of, Itachi made a mental note to stay out of the way of her attacks.
"Not bad…if you were still a genin," he mocked her…at least it looked like he did. Hard to tell when he always talked with an emotionless tone.
"I'll show you a real weasel, Weasel-san," she sneered, angered by Itachi's disregard. Biting her thumb, the blonde smeared a line of blood down her fan. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu (Summoning Technique)!" She summoned a human-sized, scythe-wielding weasel that wore an eye patch. Temari announced her attack, "Kuchiyose: Kirikiri Mai (Summoning: Quick Beheading Dance)!"
The weasel flew forward, wildly swinging its scythe, thus causing absolute chaos. An entire section of the forest fell, and dust flew. Once the clouds had settled, Temari peered at where the man had been standing earlier. He wasn't there.
"Oi, Weasel-san. You're not that bad." She swung her fan again, performing her Kamaitachi no Jutsu, in the direction where Itachi was hiding. "But neither am I."
"Modest, I see," the missing-nin scoffed.
"I know." He couldn't help but roll his eyes at her arrogant statement.
"Your vanity surpasses all."
"Thank you." She blew another slicing wind at him. He dodged again.
Temari narrowed her eyes at the Akatsuki member. The blonde could easily tell that he was holding back, but she didn't know why. Maybe a little taunting would help… "You actually going to fight me anytime soon?"
"Perhaps…if you wish to die."
"Cocky bastard," she muttered, throwing another futile attack at him.
"Hn." This girl intrigued him. True, she was most definitely not as strong as he was, but she was more powerful than the majority of the other kunoichi he had fought before. After all, she had just leveled an immense portion of the forest.
"Yeah, that's right!"
He had no reply to that. Not because it was a good comeback, but it made absolutely no sense as a response to his 'hn.'
"Kamatari!" she called to her weasel. "Kirikiri Mai!" The small mammal lunged again, slashing with its scythe, decimating the surrounding forest. Yet again, the Uchiha easily dodged.
"Stay still!" she yelled at him.
Itachi raised an inquisitive eyebrow. He asked, "Do you really expect me to listen to you?"
"No…" she admitted before waving her fan once again in his direction. This time, however, she shouted, "Daikamaitachi no Jutsu (Great Cutting Whirlwind Technique)!" Much like her earlier jutsu, this was basically a gust that slashed at her opponent, but this one was significantly stronger and more powerful. Still, Itachi, being Itachi, was able to avoid the attack without the slightest bit of effort.
He had found her weakness long ago- she depended too much on that fan- but the Uchiha hadn't acted upon it until now. Using the Shunshin no Jutsu (Body Flicker Technique), he 'teleported' behind the girl.
She quickly turned to face him, a surprised expression gracing her tanned face, and swung at him with her now-folded fan in an attempt to hit the shinobi. Like he had predicted, she wasn't much of a taijutsu user, preferring long distance ninjutsu attacks. Taking advantage of this, Itachi kicked her in the stomach with a great force, knocking the wind out of her and slamming the blonde into a tree.
The breathless girl gasped at the pain, doubling over and clutching her stomach. "Ow…Weasel-san, I think you won."
"You don't seem too surprised." He offered Temari his hand. She grabbed it and pulled herself up, subsequently tying her fan securely to her back once more.
"Should I be?"
The usually impassive nin paused to contemplate the thought. "I suppose not." He was surprised at his own words. Was he, the man who killed his own clan without a second thought, making casual conversation? With a foreign girl, nonetheless? Hm…the world works in mysterious ways.
"Do you want to go for a break?" she asked. "We can stop by a teahouse."
"I'd rather not." Now, that wasn't entirely true, Itachi would never acknowledge his growing fondness for the kunoichi and want for her company.
"Oh, yeah. Missing-nin. I keep forgetting about that…" she said, feeling a bit sheepish, but misunderstanding the meaning of the older man's words. "Well…I guess we could make it sort of a picnic type thing."
"Picnic?" he repeated flatly, but with disbelief evident in his voice.
"Yeah!" she said enthusiastically. "Stay right here. I'll go buy some sandwiches and drinks and stuff." Without another word, Temari ran off to do as she had proposed, leaving a certain missing-nin confused and dubious in the middle of the training area.
In only fifteen minutes, she returned with a large bag filled with sandwiches, bottles of some fruit juice, and bags of chips among many other things.
Itachi asked curiously, "Is all this necessary?"
She gave a shrug in response. "I didn't know how much you ate or how hungry you were."
And so they ate.
The blonde sighed in satisfaction. "I am full!" she exclaimed her content, laying back lazily on the ground.
"Hn."
"Do you ever say anything other than 'hn' all the time? Seriously, my brother says it, that Uchiha kid says it," he grimaced when she mentioned Sasuke, "the Hyuuga guy says it… And they all act like you! Just say something else!"
Smirking maliciously, the prodigy gave his usual response to the kunoichi. "Hn."
She threw her hands up in resignation, but not before throwing a random pickle from their picnic at him. Unfortunately for him, the missing-nin was caught off guard and the pickle connected with his forehead. He scowled and tossed it back.
The pickle hit Temari in the chest. The Suna nin stared at him with an open mouth and shock in her teal eyes. "Oh, it's on, Weasel-san," she finally said with an evil grin.
"Bring it."
So she did.
They spent the next thirty minutes or so chucking random leftover food items at each other, eventually moving on to dirt clods. Neither dodged, instead occupying themselves with hurling as many objects as they could.
After being hit by an enormous dirt lump in the face, the blonde leapt forward onto Itachi, smearing mud all over his own face, his long black hair, and the cloak that he refused to remove.
"Hah!" she shouted triumphantly. "Take that!"
Still having soil shoved onto his face, Itachi's reply was a little muffled. He roughly shoved her off, brushing off as much dirt as he could and shaking it out of his hair. He didn't do very well though and only succeeding in making the stains larger. Temari, however, was not looking much better. In fact, both of them had smudges of mud, mustard, and other condiments all over their faces and clothes.
The mischievous kunoichi couldn't help but comment, "You look terrible."
He scowled. "You look worse."
She subconsciously rubbed at a splotch on her arm. "No, I don't, Weasel-san."
"Hn."
"Hn."
Initially, Itachi made no reply, and the girl grinned cheekily. "Whatever. I have to go."
He almost smirked at her disappointed frown. Almost.
"Already?" she asked. "Why?"
"Does it matter?"
She didn't respond at first. "Jerk," she mumbled after a long and awkward silence.
"Bye." With his derisive farewell, the elder of the surviving Uchiha left her alone in the middle of the training grounds.
For a few seconds, Temari stared blankly in puzzlement. Suddenly, she shouted angrily after the long-departed shinobi, "Oi, Weasel-san! Get your ass back here and help clean up!"
Apologies from the Author: Gahh! Sorry for the OOC-ness! I tried to keep them as in character as possible...but things happen... I have to admit, though, this is one of my better stories. However, I have no idea where the plot is going to go from here.
Get the title yet? Coz Temari keeps saying 'bless you' whenever Itachi corrects her and is always calling him 'Weasel-san'!! Poor Itachi-kun... It'll keep appearing throughout the story. Haha!
Thanks for reading!