I had that dream again. The one where I'm at the farm walking through the tall grass of the back forty towards the old willow tree. I don't know why but I'm absolutely positive that she's there, hiding just behind the hanging branches of leaves. She has to be.
I can hear the cicadas buzzing as I begin to run with excitement. I'm so eager to see her face again I don't care about the thin blades of grass that whip at my shins as I carve a path through the field.
But the tree remains forever on the horizon, impossibly far away. No matter how much I pump my legs I never get close. I never get the chance to see her again.
My eyes snapped open. The dream had felt so real, like I was actually there, home again. The springs of the bed groaned as I rolled over, pressing the heels of my palms against my eyelids.
The only thing I missed from Amity was being outside in the sun. Playing in the fields where there were no walls and I could run free. Here at Dauntless I felt like a mole, constantly scurrying through damp underground tunnels, barely ever seeing the sky. Though over years I'd grown accustomed to the darkness. It had become familiar and running in the grass was now only a memory of childhood folly, something I did only in my dreams.
It wasn't until I started to move, yawning as I sat on the edge of the bed, that I noticed the clock. The glowing red letters flashed, reading '12:00'. The power must have gone out in the night and so, not only had my alarm not gone off, I had no idea how late I was. The one thing I did know, was that Eric was going to kill me.
Ten minutes later I stood outside his office door, trying to catch my breath after sprinting across the compound before I went in.
"Mott. You're late," a stern male voice rang out the instant I opened the door. Eric stood over his desk, leaning forward on his knuckles, illuminated from behind by a fluorescent lamp. He looked as imposing as ever. Across the desk stood three other men. All were at ease with their hands behind their backs as they collectively looked over their shoulders at me.
"I know sir," I began, closing the door behind me. I stood still and straight with my hands to my side as I finished, "The power went out in my dormitory during the night. My alarm never went off, sir." I could see the muscles in his cheeks as his jaw tensed, contemplating my excuse. He studied me through squinted eyes for an uncomfortably long amount of time before he stood up straight.
"Fall in," he commanded with a wave, turning to look back to the other underlings. I hurried over, standing in line and mimicking their stance, keeping my hands clasped behind me.
"As I was saying. Jason will be working on arranging the details of the rotation schedule of the fence for next month. Alexander and Rodney will be acting as my proxy for a meeting with Johanna about her request for an the increase of guards for the food convoys to the city." He looked to each as he spoke, and they all responded with a curt nod, showing they understood. Then he turned his eyes to me, "And you will be the stenographer for my meetings today." I tried to ignore his smirk and focused on keeping my face still, not letting him see my disappointment.
I applied for the leadership training program on a whim, surprised that I actually qualified. I had done well in initiation only because I was stronger than everyone else. Most of the transfer class had been from Erudite and spent their lives reading and studying. While across the city I had grown up doing manual labor on the farm. I prefered it though, I could never sit still long enough to read a book. And I never would've thought that having to lug around bags of feed all day would help me survive the hazing in Dauntless.
Being accepted to train under the leaders is supposed to be a great honor, one people have literally killed for, but I wish I had never been selected. I'd rather be out on the wall doing patrol than having to stand here without moving, obeying the every command of a sadistic asshole.
The jobs he delegated to us were supposed to be on rotation, so we'd all spend equal time learning the different skills needed for a leader of Dauntless, but he did not do that. I never got to be a proxy, or even leave the compound. I would either be stuck with menial tasks or forced to act as a glorified secretary.
I had to stand there still, waiting as he explained the specific details of their tasks to each of the boys. With a wave of his hand he dismissed the others before turning to me.
"We're going to Erudite," he stated with a grin.
I hurried behind Eric trying to keep up as he took long strides across the concrete towards the entrance to the compound. I kept my head down, trying to avoid looking at the newest addition to their courtyard. Just the thought of it made me shudder. At first glance it looks to be a stage. A simple platform held up by two neon orange beams that arch above with closer inspection, you can see the series of noises that hang from the brightly colored joists as the ropes sway in the wind.
The public executions of the Divergent and their sympathisers was a regular occurrence now. It was used as a way to shame and vilify those who were different, while also bringing the city closer through a shared hatred. I despised the noise of the the crowd cheering for the death of the wrongdoer and avoided it when I could, always offering to work long hours on those days.
Once inside the conference room, I was seated to Eric's right at the large meeting table. There were about five other people around the table, each accompanied by their own assistants. Once Jenean started talking I began to type on the small tablet, mindlessly taking notes of everything said. This continued for hours as they reviewed plans and discussed future changes.
"Today's execution will be at seven o'clock," one of the men eventually stated. I could tell by his black suit and white lapels that he was Candor, where all the trials are held. "Four factionless caught trying to steal food, and two of them tested positive for divergence," he explained before handing around papers that listed the details for the event later today.
Eric tossed the sheet to me without looking at it. I scanned the page quickly, moving to tuck it in with the other notes when something caught my eye.
There in black ink at the bottom of the list was her name.
4. Baker, Layla
I froze with the sheet of paper in my hands as my mind was thrown back to the last time we were together under the willow.
She was wearing the yellow jumper I had made her as we laid against the trunk in the early summer shade of the tree, our heads resting together while idly playing with each others fingers. The light of the setting sun filtered through the leaves, blanketing us in a warm speckled glow.
"Inconclusive? What is that supposed to mean?" I asked quietly as I rubbed my thumb across her knuckles. It was the day after our placement tests, I got Dauntless and I was sure she would too. I thought we were going to be together forever.
I could remember looking up at her, watching the way the sunlight danced across her face making her dark skin glow. Everyone would say that her eyes were black like oil, but in moments like this when we were alone, I could see the warm brown of her irises as they glinted in the sun.
"It means I don't belong here," she whispered, water welling in her eyes.
"You belong with me," I pressed unable to imagine where she would go. There was only the city. There was only the factions.
"I'm running away," she stated, looking at me as a tear ran down her cheek, "I'm leaving tomorrow, I found a way out."
I was speechless as she took my hand and held it to her chest, "Come with me," she pleaded.
"I- I can't," I stuttered. I felt like my world was collapsing around me. Suddenly all my hopes for the future now sat under foot in jagged broken shards.
"You can't or you won't?" she replied in a biting tone.
"I- I'm going to Dauntless, and you are too. You're going with me," I said, hoping she'd agree.
"Don't you understand?" she pressed, begging with her eyes for me to comprehend, "I can't live in the city, Mott, I'm not like everyone else. I don't fit in. Please, just come with me," a million different possibilities raced through my mind at once. How could someone survive without the city? Did she plan to live in the wastes beyond the fence?
"I'm leaving tomorrow, I'll be waiting here under the tree at sundown. Don't come if you aren't going to join me."
I was brought back to reality by Eric's fingers snapping in front of my face. I had zoned out for the entire end of the meeting. I hurried, pushing everything in my bag before briskly walking to catch up with him as he crossed the room to leave.
Once we had returned to Eric's office he grabbed the folder from my hands. Thumbing through the leaves, he pulled out a single sheet as he sat in the chair behind his desk. I stood in a resting position waiting for him to speak. He leaned back as he laid a finger on his chin reviewing the page.
"So which of them do you know?" he asked abruptly, keeping his eyes trained on the page.
"Excuse me?" I asked nervous about what he meant. The last thing I wanted was for Eric to know about my personal life and past, I couldn't begin to imagine all the ways he'd be able to use it against me.
"Don't play dumb," he snapped looking up, "What name on this list did you recognize."
I fought the urge to look towards him, trying to keep my expression neutral as I focused on the blank stone wall in front of me. I swallowed hard before responding, "The fourth one, sir."
He hummed as he looked back over the list, "Layla, you mean?" he asked with a general tone, "That would make sense, she's also from Amity. Where you close?" Though I kept my face forward I could tell from the corner of my eye that he was studying me, watching for my reaction.
"No sir, not very. Just classmates in school," I replied in a flat tone.
"Did you know she was factionless?" he questioned, continuing to press the subject.
"No sir," I forced myself to reply, using every last bit of self control to remain still as I stood in front of him, "I did not know she was factionless."
He sat in his chair again contemplating my answer as I stood rigid in front of him, waiting for him to ask the next apparent question; 'Did you know she was divergent?'
"Very well," he finally spoke, "You're dismissed for now, go have an early dinner and meet me in The Pit at six o'clock sharp," he stated as I began to nod, showing I understood the orders before he continued, "We have an execution to see tonight."
I couldn't help as my head whipped to the side, looking at him. He sat with a content expression, obviously excited for what would happen this evening.
I couldn't eat. I sat in the cafeteria, staring at my hamburger, trying not to cry. Crying was frowned upon in Dauntless. There was barely anyone around since no one really ate this early, but even still I did not want them to see. I knew how the rumor mill worked here, and there was nothing more disgraceful upon than sobbing in public. I gnawed on my lip trying to fight back the tears.
I fought to keep down my thoughts of Layla, finally lifting up my burger and taking a bite. The food felt like plastic in my mouth as I chewed and swallowed.
I didn't know why Eric was doing this to me. When I first started working under him I just assumed he didn't think I was as capable as the other boys. That's how it'd always felt during initiation.
After I had won my first sparring match I stood over the lanky boy from Erudite as he laid on the floor of the ring, hoping I had impressed my instructor. That was what I thought of Eric at the time, before I had gotten to know him better.
"Really?" He called out, staring daggers at the boy on the mat, "You're going to tapout in a fight with some little girl from Amity? All they're good at is picking flower, terrible singing and hugging everyone," He looked disgusted as he spoke, "And you lose a boxing match to her?" he jerked his thumb towards me as Four interrupted calling out the next pair to spar.
I had taken two bites of my food before I had to put it down, resting my elbows on the table, and pressing my hands over my eyes. Eric and Layla couldn't be two more different people. She was so open and warm. When you spoke with her it really felt like she was listening and cared about what you had to say. She was honest but not like biting honest in Candor, she was kind and cared about others' happiness.
Eric was the polar opposite. He was cold, manipulative, and egotistical. He was a textbook sociopath who never got personal and cared for nothing but himself. The only time he had actually asked me a question about myself, he was piss drunk.
It had been another execution that day, so I had offered to work overtime. I was in his office late at night when he burst through the door. He didn't stumble as he walked, remaining well composed as he crossed the tile floor to where I knelt by the filing cabinet. I could tell by his bloodshot eyes he had been indulgent at the afterparty.
"Uhm, shouldn't you go home, sir?" I suggested in a careful voice as he stopped, standing over me while I crouched besides the files I had been sorting on the floor.
"I knew you'd be here," he replied, as I stood up in front him.
"Excuse me?" I was used to being at Eric's beck and call, and the idea that he would come looking for me seemed backwards.
"I knew you'd be here and I wanted to talk to you." This made me nervous. I was almost certain I hadn't done anything wrong but I'm sure he had a long list of everything I'd ever fucked up.
"What did you need to speak with me about, sir?" I asked as I avoided eye contact, trying to not let him see who on edge I was.
"Do you miss Amity?" his question surprised me, he had never wanted to know anything about me beyond my name and even still I'm pretty sure he didn't care much about that.
"Sometimes," I replied, focusing my eyes on his chin, "I miss being outside, sir."
"Are the people in Amity really as nice to each other as they say?" I was completely flabbergast as to why he suddenly wanted to know so much about my original faction. I tried not to flinch as he gently rested his finger under my chin. Squeezing my fists, I kept my arms to my sides, trying to say still as he tilted my head up, forcing me to look into his eyes. "All the girls I've ever known from Amity have always be quite accommodating." The emphasis he used on the last word set off a light in my head and suddenly I understood what he was asking.
"Yes, sir, everyone is very nice in Amity," I swallowed hard, wishing I was anywhere else in the city but here. He squinted his eyes as he studied my face.
"Have you ever been kissed," He inquired with a slightly amused tone. A brief memory of Layla flashed through my mind. Just the quick mental image of her leaning in as I turned away, embarrassed.
"N-no, sir," I stuttered, feeling the warmth creepy across the sink of my ears and cheeks. He clicked his tongue as he smirked, leaning in. I acted on impulse and dropped down, pushing him away as I dove under his arm and bolted out the door. I was about halfway back to the dorms when I realized I had left my bag and the key to my room behind. Thankfully when I returned to the office he was no longer there.
I sighed as I leaned back from the table. Looking to the big clock on the wall, I saw it was time for me to leave. I left my food almost completely untouched as I stood. I didn't want to go but I knew Eric well enough to realize I had no choice.
The walk to the Erudite square was long and arduous. I kept my head down, staring at my boots as I stayed in pace just behind him.
"I was considering sending you as proxy to Amity today. Too bad you were late" He spoke suddenly, keeping his face forward and hands in his pockets as I looked to his shoulder, "I think you'd actually be good as a proxy. But I prefer having you around as an assistant," I could see the piercing on his brow move as he looked to me out of the corner of his eye.
I merely nodded in response, looking back towards my boots as we walked among the other Dauntless heading to the event. There was an excited energy in the air. Executions had become a celebration, with most people staying up all night after drinking and partying afterwords. Apart from the Deciding ceremony this was the only time all the factions gathered together.
I kept my arms crossed, clutching at my elbow to keep from shaking. My feet felt like bricks with each step I took. The gathered crowd was massive by the time we arrived. Eric skirted around the edge of the mass of people, walking to a small section in the front that was designated for leaders and officials. First he walked up to Jenean who stood near the stage. She wore a long dark blue cape with her hair in a tight bun. I assumed he was shaking her hand both in greeting and as a sign of respect before falling back towards the crowd. I moved to stand just behind him as I would any other time but he caught me as I went to pass. He pulled me to stand directly in front of him, keeping me in place with both of his hands resting on my shoulders.
I studied the ground, refusing to even look at the empty gallows. The crowd behind us milled about in anticipation before the bells from the clock tower began. Everyone grew silent as they rang out seven times. During the quiet Jenean climbed the stairs behind four Dauntless soldiers as they lead the convicts onto the stage.
I tried to keep my eyes down. The silence around of the crowd felt oppressive as I thought of their joy in viewing this spectacle.
"You have been tried in found guilty for theft along with being Divergent or Divergent sympathizers, for which you will be hanged to death," Jenean spoke, projecting her voice through the air.
One of Eric's hands lifted from my shoulder and reached forward, grabbing at my jaw as he wrenched my face forward. He continued to hold my head in place, forcefully resting his arm across my shoulder as the back of my skull rested on his chest.
"Any last words?" Jenean asked. Her blue cape looked brilliant against the neon orange pillar. Across the stage I could see the four prosecuted. There was a woman and two men, all wearing similar disheveled clothes, each with their hands tied behind their backs. The three of them looked to Jenean as she spoke, but at the very end stood Layla. She looked forwards, eyes trained somewhere above the crowd. She wore the same firm expression of defiance as she did when we were scolded as children. She looked beautiful, the baby fat from her teen years long gone, leaving her cheekbones now well pronounced. She stood with a more confident air about her, keeping her shoulders back and her head up straight. I tried to keep my composure, sure that Eric could feel me shaking as he held me.
I could taste the coppery blood in my mouth as I bit my cheeks. I stood there watching her under the gray clouds of the sky. I don't know if I'd have noticed had I not been in the front of the crowd, but as a gust of wind blew half of her jacket was thrown open. I could see underneath her jacket she wore an old raggedy yellow sweater. I knew instantly that it was the one I had made for her 16th birthday.
I let out a sob as my legs gave way. I slumped forward against Eric's grip as I shamelessly cried every tear I had been holding in.
"Just one more minute," Eric whispered in my ear as he held me closer, up right against his chest, his hand still keeping my chin forward. Through my tears I looked to Layla as she turned her head. Her stern blank expression dropped for a second as her eyes landed on me before a black bag was roughly pulled over her head.
"Very well," said Jenean as she turned and descended the stairs while the soldiers tightened the noose around their necks. A Candor man dressed in black and white hood, wrapped his hands around a lever. It groaned as he pulled it back before the mechanisms below release the panels under the convicted.
The cheers of the crowd were deafening as I watched their legs kick violently through the air.
It wasn't long before all four hung motionless.
I made no effort to stand as Eric held me close to him. The cheering crowd drowned out the noise of my weeping as I hung there weak and defeated in his arms. I felt completely empty knowing I'd never her see her under the willow tree again. She was gone forever. The image of her standing there was burned into my eyelids. It was all I could see as I gasped for air.
He wrenched my shoulders around, turning me to face him. I merely slumped forward, whimpering against his chest as he wrapped one arm tightly around my waist. Reaching down, he ran his finger gently along my jaw bone, again pushing my face up to see him. The moment felt all too familiar as he leaned forward. This time I was to weak to run away as his lips touched mine. He took my bottom lip between his, sucking on it before he lifted his head back up. His hand cupped my cheek while his other arm was wrapped around me.
"Don't worry," spoke in a quiet voice as I shook, wiping away a tear with his thumb, "You still have me."