She is beautiful. That smile is so blinding Stolkholme syndrome can't begin to describe the after effects. Her laugh is like auditory heroin, I'm addicted and can't wait until my next fix. She doesn't even see how addicted I am to her. How could she? She has no reason to believe I've had these feelings for her since the first time I saw her.
No, Rachel Berry definitely has no idea that I, Quinn Fabray, have feelings for her. I'm her former torturer and present "frienemy". I want to tell her how I feel but I know she will never believe me. I have to tell her in the only language she may understand, song. I don't know what song could possibly tell her what I need to, something that can explain my past actions and ask her to love me despite them.
I watch as she walks down the hallway with Kurt talking animatedly about their futures in New York. Her smile hasn't faltered once for days. She knows that her dreams are so close to coming true and is high on that notion the way I am high on her laugh. She is the poster child for following your dreams even though the world will try to drag you down. Her bravery and confidence are so envious. She's glorious in so many ways and all I want to do is bask in the sunshine that radiates from her. I want to hold her hand and share her happiness and help her continue it.
Glee practice is the hardest hour of the day because I am so close to Rachel I could touch her silky hair but I might as well be a thousand light years away. I can't stand the torture of being this close but so far away much longer. I have to do something to bring us closer together. I don't pay attention to anything Mr. Schue has said, instead I think of what song I could sing to Rachel for her to understand our past and what I want for the future.
After Glee I go home as quickly as possible and pull up my itunes on my laptop. I have so many songs that would be romantic but I need something more than romance. I need honesty and vulnerability. Showing her how vulnerable I am is going to be the hardest thing but it's much harder to not have her with me. As I scroll through my many songs I land on a song that is as close to perfect as I can get. Kelly Clarkson's Dark Side. I remember listening to it for the first time and thinking this song was written for me. I've always felt like I've had a side to me that was scary and shouldn't be shown to anyone. In the first two years of high school I embraced it to become the head bitch in charge and rule the social hierarchy with an iron fist. Since I got pregnant I've tried to contain it more and hide it from the world. Rachel has lived in that world with me more than anyone else. She got to see the worst of it all. Now the question is, can she love me even with my dark side?
I decide that Friday is the day I admit it all to Rachel. I've got it all planned out that I will slip a note into her locker at lunch for her to meet me in the auditorium after glee. With everyone gone I won't have to worry about someone coming in and ruining the moment for us. I'm also terrified that someone will overhear us and out me before I get the chance to tell anyone myself like what happened to Santana. I have the song striped down to be accompanied only by a piano which I've recorded onto a cd so Brad won't have to be there either. It will be a very intimate moment with just the two of us. I just hope she stays to hear me out.
Today is the day. I'm standing at my locker waiting for Rachel to gather all of her stuff together and go to the cafeteria with the rest of the club so I can slip the note I've written out into hers. Finally she shuts hers and turns to everyone which includes me. I could swim in the chocolate pools that are her eyes.
"Are you coming to lunch with us Quinn?" I almost miss her talking while I'm staring at her.
"I have to do something real quick and then I will be there. Do you guys mind saving me a seat?"
"Of course we will. See you soon." I'm so glad she didn't question me because I don't think I could come up with a different something.
I watch as the glee club walks down the hall to go to lunch and wait for them to round the corner. I make myself wait a full minute after they're out of sight before I take the few steps over to Rachel's locker and quickly slip the note through the slots. As I slip it through and hear it drops I say a little prayer that this will work. It just has to.
I pause for a minute to catch my breath I didn't realize I was holding and slow my racing heart before I go and join everyone for lunch. I force myself to hold my head up high and stride to the cafeteria as if everything wasn't going to completely change by the end of the day for better or for worse.
As I look around the lunch room I see my friends all sitting at a table with one chair open, for me. I smile at the fact that I have a great group of people that are more like family than fellow students like they were just two years ago. I don't notice who I'm sitting next to until I've sat down and got my next fix. She is laughing at something Artie has said and I soar into the clouds above. As soon as I realize this though I immediately tense up and forget how to speak. This would happen when she turns around and asks me if everything was okay with what I had to do. I do the only thing I can do and just smile and nod before jumping back up and going to the line to get something to eat even though I know I won't be eating a bite of it.
Lunch thankfully goes by quickly and consists of me listening to Rachel and Kurt debate on what the best Barbra Streisand song is. My input was unnecessary so I was saved from having to speak.
I slowed down at the corner to our lockers as we walked back from the cafeteria so I could watch Rachel open the note with the protection of the wall to duck behind. I hold my breath as she spins her combination and then bite my lip as she pulls out the note and reads the words I've written. I watch her eyes go over each line and read it in my head as she does.
Rachel,
I have something that I need to discuss with you of the private manner. Please meet me in the auditorium about 20 minutes after glee practice. I would really appreciate it if you did not talk to anyone else about this. I'm trusting you to be discrete. I hope to see you after glee.
Quinn
Rachel immediately looks up towards my locker when she finishes reading my note. I quickly lean back around the corner out of sight and start walking to my next class patting myself on the back for thinking to take my books with me to lunch. Now it's a matter of waiting for the day to end for everything else to begin.
Glee practice went well and Rachel proved yet again to be a fantastic actress since she acted the exact same towards me as she does every other day. I want to stand and applaud her performance because I know she wants so badly to know what I could possibly need to talk to her about. I also now know that she will not break my trust which makes me feel that much more calm as the hour dwindles down and Mr. Schue releases us to our weekends. I quickly walk out and to my locker as everyone else walks to the parking lot and make my way around to the auditorium to set up the music.
Rachel is of course right on time since punctuality is a must in her book. I've got everything set up just before she walked in and am now standing at the back of the auditorium as she makes her way to the front. I wait until she is sitting down before approaching so I can gather my courage.
"Thank you so much for coming and not talking to anyone else about this." She jumps slightly when I begin and then turns to me with that pleasant smile of hers that means she's happy but also extremely curious.
"Of course Quinn, I am always willing to help out a friend in need. I am curious as to why I'm the person you chose to talk to though."
"It pertains to you more than anyone else. It's something I need you to know." I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "I have feelings that I need to explain to you and I think a song is the best way to do that. I hope you understand what I mean with this song. Please just promise you will listen to it all before leaving." I open my eyes and let hers anchor me and give me the strength I need.
"I promise."
Once she says this I make my way to the stage and push the play button on the remote to start the music. As the piano begins I take a breath and close my eyes waiting for my cue to begin.
There's a place that i know
it's not pretty there and few have ever gone
if i show it to you now
will it make you run away
or will you stay
even if it hurts
even if i try to push you out
will you return?
and remind me who i really am
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
I finally get the courage to open my eyes and look at Rachel and she looks like she's still confused but it's slowly coming together for her. I pour everything I have into the rest of the song and sing it softly so she knows I mean every word.
like a diamond
from black dust
it's hard to know
it can become
a few give up
so don't give up on me
please remind me who i really am
everybody's got a dark side don't run away will you love me? Ohh
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
don't run away
just tell me that you will stay
promise me you will stay
don't run away
don't run away
just promise me you will stay
promise me you will stay
I walk off the stage and come to stand right in front of her and sing the rest of the song. everybody's got a dark side
do you love me?
can you love mine?
nobody's a picture perfect
but we're worth it
you know that we're worth it
will you love me?
even with my dark side?
I sing the last line staring directly into her eyes in almost a whisper. When I finish I look at her waiting for an answer. She gazes back into my eyes and I can see she's searching them to see if this is real or if it's a sick joke. I see the question on her face. Is this a serious question? I nod and wait for her answer to my original question. I don't want to speak in case I say something wrong and ruin this moment. I watch as she slowly opens her mouth to answer.
"Yes"