Title: HERE I AM
Author: Brokeback Mountain
Rating: NC-17 FRAO
Genre: Slash
Warning: Sexually explicit M/M scenes & bad language.
Disclaimer: These characters belong to the wonderful Annie Proulx.
Summary: Ennis, filled with regrets, has a change of heart and takes off after Jack.
He pulls his trailer up to Lightning Flat and announces to Jack, "Here I am"; echoing Jack's
Words when he came up to Riverton after the divorce.
HERE I AM (Part l of 5 parts)
Ennis kept looking back, trying to get one last glimpse of Jack
standing there by his truck with 'that' look on his face. He had
hurt Jack again; and still he came to him, held him in his arms,
comforted him. They had great make-up sex and everything was
settled. Or not. Nothing between them ever was settled really.
Each had made their feelings clear to the other. Jack wanted them to
live together; Ennis insisted that was not going to happen. They
each had to accept the other's feelings on the matter. They had done
it now for twenty years nearly; it was nothing new.
The one thing that was new, was the look in Jack's eyes when they
said good-bye. It was like the light behind them had gone out.
Ennis not only saw this but felt it as well. A new ding in their
relationship; something bent seriously out of shape. He wondered if
it could ever be made right again.
He couldn't understand how or why he kept on hurting Jack. He did
want to be with him, but Jack was being unreasonable; expecting too
much. More than he could give. More than he had in him to give.
Jack must surely know this, yet he keeps on wanting this magical
place together, like it would solve all their problems. Living
together was just a dream; a fairy-tale. That sort of thing didn't
happen in real life. Two fellas living together; it just wasn't
done.
He heaved a sigh and drove on towards home, though he'd hardly call
his little trailer 'home'.
Thoughts of Jack kept him company on the ride. It was only a four or
five hour drive for him. He thought of Jack driving fourteen hours
each time to come see him. Wondered what he thought about during
those drives. Thoughts of him? maybe; thoughts of them together?
He had made that trip so many times and never complained about it.
Even that awful time right after the divorce was final. He drove all
that way and Ennis had turned him away. Hurt him again.
His stomach churned remembering that awful day. He thought for a
moment or two he might have to pull over and lose his breakfast. How
could he have hurt him like that? He should have told him to get a
room at the motel and he'd go see them after he got the girls
settled. He didn't though. He'd seen that look on Jack's face, that
muscle twitch under his eye, Jack looking away. Heard those sad
words. "Ok. See you next month then."
And still Jack came back. No matter how many times he hurt him, Jack
always came back. He clearly remembered the look on Jack's face that day.
He was so joyful, standing there saying "Here I am!" He wanted so much to
take him in his arms again, hold him just a little while longer, but Jack got in
the truck and left.
His heart broke that day; along with Jack's. He remembered thinking he'd
probably never see Jack again, just never hear from him. And yet he came
back. Why would he do that? Keep coming back?
He loves me. Ennis answered his own question. The only son-of-a-bitch
in this world who gave a damn about him, and he kept pushing him
away; holding him off. "Jack" he breathed the name aloud like
saying a prayer. "Jack, I do love you, you gotta know that even
though we never say the words, you gotta know it's there."
He knew what Jack's answer to that would be too. "Don't do no good
if it's there if we're living separate lives hundreds of miles
apart!" and he'd be right too. What good did it do loving
someone and being loved by someone if you can't be together?
He wrestled with these thoughts all the way home. That night in bed
he laid there smoking a cigarette and thinking of Jack's face,
grinning, saying "Here I am". It pained him something awful but at
the same time warmed his insides more than he could understand. This
crazy fella, drive all that way, so many times. And keeps coming
back for more.
He stood up, paced the floor and drank another beer. It just wasn't
right. He had to do something about it. He couldn't stand this any
more and neither could Jack. It was time! He went to bed then;
decision made.
Next morning he arose at dawn, set things right in his trailer,
hooked it up to the back of his truck and pulled out of that dust-pit
of a trailer court.
It was late afternoon when he passed the city limit sign into
Lightning Flat. He stopped for gas and asked for directions to the
Twist ranch. Thirty minutes later he spotted the house; Jack's
pickup was there in the drive beside another old truck. His heart
beat a little faster. He was scared now. What if Jack had changed
his mind? He wouldn't blame him, God knows, he'd hurt him more times
than any one else would ever stood for. He pulled slowly up into the
drive, stopped and got out. He walked to the door, trying to decide
what to say. He knocked and waited.
What would he do if Mr. or Mrs. Twist answered? He didn't know. A
small woman, wiping her hands on her apron answered the door.
"Yes?" she asked.
"Aaah. I come to see Jack. Is he around?" He fumbled with the
words.
"He's in the barn with his Pa," she said nervously. "Is everything
all right?" she asked.
"Hope so, Ma'am. My name is Ennis Del Mar." He felt it was time to
stand up.
Her face blossomed; flickering from Ennis to his trailer, and back
again. "He'll be mighty happy to see you." She smiled a smile
sweeter than any he had ever seen and nodded toward the barn. "Go
right on in." she told him.
He walked the short distance over to the barn and through the open
door he could see the two men bent over the tractor working on it.
He cleared his throat loud enough for them to both look up.
The look on Jack's face was priceless. He wished for a fleeting
moment that he had Junior's camera. He'd like to have a photo of
this.
Jack wiped his hands on an old rag and walked over to him. "Hey,
Cowboy." His eyes searching Ennis's face for a clue to his being
there.
"Been thinkin. You was right all along. So, well...here I am." He
held his hat in front of him, fingering the brim.
Jack stared at him open-mouthed in disbelief. Old man Twist walked
over to them. Ennis steeled himself and said what he had come to say.
"I quit the ranch. Pulled my trailer over. You still want this?"
his eyes were flicking back in forth between Jack and his Pa.
The old man's face screwed up in disgust. Somehow, that made it
easier. He could see what this man was; in one look.
"I love you, Jack. You still want me?" The old man walked a few
feet away and spit.
Jack looked from Ennis, to his Pa, and back to Ennis again.
Jack grabbed him in a bear hug, still speechless. "I take it,
that's a yes?" Ennis pulled back and grinned at him.
Jack pulled him out of the barn, around back. Took him in his arms
again and kissed him. After several moments they parted, still
holding on. "Did I hear you right? What you said in there in front
of my Pa?" He couldn't believe it.
"You mean when I said I love you?" Ennis said, the corners of his
mouth curling up just a bit.
"Hell yes. Do you mean that? You really here to stay?"
"Told you, I been thinkin. You were right. You been right from the
beginnin. I been lettin my fears ruin the life we could have had.
Now I want to make up for it. We got a lot of time left, Bud. And I
want us to spend it together."
Jack crushed him in his arms once again. He pulled back and grinned.
"Pa's gonna shit his pants!" he chuckled deep in his throat.
"Think maybe he already did." Ennis answered.
"C'mom. I want you to meet Momma." Jack drug him by the arm back to
the house.
"Already did. She smiles just like you."
He was pulled into the kitchen to see Mrs. Twist bending over the
oven taking a cake out, placing it to cool on a rack on the
cupboard. She turned around, grinning from ear to ear, tears
slipping down her cheeks. Jack swept her up in his arms and swung
her around. "I told you, Momma. I told you one day he'd come." He
kissed her cheek.
"You did for a fact, Jackie. You surely did." She reached out her
hand to Ennis in welcome. He took it and gave it a little squeeze.
"Nice to meet you Ma'am." Ennis smiled at her.
"Sit yourselves down now and have some coffee. Lunch will be ready
in a little bit." She placed two cups of coffee on the table in
front of them. Ennis took a sip. Jack didn't touch his; just sat
there and gazed at Ennis; sitting at his table in his home! He still
couldn't believe it.
The euphoria was soon shattered when the old man came in, slamming
the door behind him. He washed his hands in the kitchen sink and sat
down at the table.
"You gonna be stayin here, you're gonna earn your keep." the old man
said to Ennis.
"Pa.."Jack started.
"It's OK." Ennis nodded to Jack, then said to Mr. Twist, "That's
what I came for. Jack and me been talkin about me movin up here for
years to help him on this place. It's time now I was here." He
stared the old man in the eye.?
"Food costs money. You got any money?" He got Ennis with that one.
He only had a few hundred dollars that he had been able to save and
he sure wasn't going to hand it over to the old man.
Jack reached into his pocket and pulled out two one-hundred dollar
bills and handed it to his Momma as she sat coffee down in front of
her husband. "Here, Momma. This's for now. I'll get more tomorrow
when I go into town." She stared at the bills. She'd never seen
hundred dollar bills before. She tried to give one back. "Here.
This is way too much. Food don't cost that much."
The old man snatched it out of her hand and stuck it in his
pocket. "Electricity does."
Jack gave him a seething look and said to his Momma. "I'll be goin
in to town tomorrow to the bank. Set me up an account there; and to
the post office." He turned to Ennis and said, "We'll see about
getting a phone line set up for the trailer. After lunch we'll look
around the place for the best place to park it." Back to his Pa
again, he said, "I'll be takin over the bills now. You let me have
them when they come in and I'll take care of them."
Mrs. Twist beamed as she sat lunch down in front of each of them;
serving Mr. Twist first, of course.
"Yeah, well we'll see how long this arrangement lasts," the old man
said glaring back and froth from Jack to Ennis.
"You probably won't be stayin long. Most of Jack's lamebrain ideas
don't come to nothin." Head down, he dug into his food, conversation
over.
The other three ate in silence until the old man wiped his mouth with
his napkin, got up and left the room. Ennis broke the silence, "Well
I think that went well." he said.
Jack looked at him and broke out laughing. Head leaning back, table
pounding laughing. "This ain't gonna be easy," he shook his head at
Ennis.
"I'm up for the challenge." Ennis said scraping up the last crumbs
of his cake. "How about you?"
"This ought to be real interesting!" Jack shook his head smiling
that sideways smile at Ennis. "I can take it if you can."
"Sounds like a plan." Ennis agreed.
Mrs. Twist smiled happily as she cleared the dishes. Her boy was
home again. Home to stay this time; now that his Ennis was here and
what a fine looking young man he was too! She had a feeling that
things were about to change at the Twist ranch. She was right.
The end of part 1 of 5 parts.