It's funny how a room can contain so many different things. Things it's collected over such a long time. The secrets, the laughs, the arguments, the tears. The walls just suck all the memories up and save them, and when you come back you can relive them all again.
I slide my hand across the cold wall as if by me touching it will allow all the memories to come back to me. The memories I have stored in the back of my mind and heart. Every little thing is a reminder. A reminder of what happened. I suck it all up though without even processing it and store it all in a dark hidden place.
It still smells of you in here. The door has been locked ever since, and now I'm in here the smell is overpowering my senses. It's almost too much. I feel your presence all the time but in here it's too muchand I can't ignore it. I can hear your voice, smell your scent and feel your touch and it's all too much and I can feel myself drowning in it. I can feel the wall that I have built up around my heart crumbling slowly and the pain, grief, sorrow and most of all hate that I have tried to keep out seeping in through the gaps.
I see a picture on the windowsill and it takes me back to a time of happiness and love. That's gone now though. The wall crashes and I feel myself drowning in the feelings that I didn't want to feel. I hear a thud and my knees give away as I fall to the floor. I can hear myself screaming like a banshee, sobbing and hitting the floor like the last time when you were here. I feel the grief and it makes me sick to my stomach so much that I gag. Big, fat, baby, salt tears are running down my face and neck and I can't control them or stop.
I can feel myself getting warmer and my face flushing and the hate rising through me, possessing me. Until it all gets too much too keep in and I erupt. I start tearing up the room throwing things around smashing pictures and I want to stop but I can't. It's like I have no control over my body anymore. It's not even me doing it. I'm watching myself from above behaving like a lunatic and when I cannot move anymore, I collapse. I'm lying on the bed in a foetus shape with my knees tucked in by my head. Rocking. Slowly. Back and forth. Please I beg. Please, and even though I know you're not here your, presence is a slight comfort. I've quietened down now, though I'm still silently sobbing. Please…tell me what did I do? It's a question that has been haunting me since that day. The day you left me, the day you abandoned me. The day you gave up on everything. The day you died. I can't go on without you. I need you. And again the tears come on like a running tap pouring down my face.
I hold the pillow against my face and inhale your scent. Please I beg again. Don't hate me. Don't leave me. Pitter Patter. Pitter Patter. I turn on my back and look up at the sky light where I can see the rain tumbling down from the heavens and hitting against the window. The sobbing has stopped but the tears carry on flowing. I close my eyes and I can feel your presence surrounding me in a deep warm feeling. I remember a time of lying here with you for hours and hours watching the sky move past us. In our own world where we could be vulnerable yet safe. A familiar feeling that I haven't felt in a long time rushes through my body surrounding me. I'm no longer cold I feel your warmth. I am no longer alone I feel your presence. I no longer feel the hate I made myself feel. I feel… Love and in that I know I'm forgiven and I can forgive you in return. My eyes drop like lead weights and soon I can feel myself drifting out of consciences into a world where only we exist.