Author introduction: this is a set of shorts about the massive problems with the movie "Avatar"(not the last airbender). Made by James Cameron who apparently has a fetish for blue aliens and ripping off of as many movies and books as possible. This fanfiction takes a critical view and parodies various plot points. You guys are gonna flame of course, especially when I screw around with the Na'vi , but it's called A.C.I- Alternate Character Interpretation.
Kar Tempes and Will Penn have been specially created for this fanfiction.
Part One -Science.
The lush rain forests of Pandora blurred underneath the Scorpion gunship as it soared overhead carrying Kar Tempes And Will Penn. Kar along with Grace Augustine were in their 'Avatar bodies.
"Okay people this is the place, set us down." Said Grace ," Anyone got a cigarette?"
"I thought you didn't smoke in an Avatar body...wouldn't-" Kar was cut off as Grace's Avatar slumped to the ground. "whoa what happened ? Pilot!" Grace suddenly came back and stood up. Will and Kar stared at her confused.
"I'm smoking in my unit."
"WHAAAAT!"
"I'm FUCKING smoking in my Avatar unit, I had to go get some and light it up. GOT A PROBLEM ?"
"NO of course not..."
The Avatars jumped down from the helicopter along with Will who had a breathing mask. They landed on some very Earth like grass in what was the Pandoran equivalent of a meadow. Surrounding the meadow were hundreds of trees. The chatter of wildlife was around them. Will had a large high caliber machine gun while Grace and Kar carried the sampling supplies.
" Which way?" said Will.
Grace answered by walking into the trees leaving the two men to follow.
"Wow it sure is strange that everything is so much bigger and stronger than on earth."
"Yeah Will, I always thought that according to my studies in biology that life on a planet would be weaker and smaller than a planet that has higher gravity. And it's strange how the atmosphere is so thick , this planet is almost the same age wise as Earth it should have significantly less atmosphere like Mars. It's also interesting that there are no large insects , when earth had a similar air pressure during the Jurassic period the insects were much larger."
"But the atmosphere has a different ratio of oxygen to inert and hydrogen. It has lots of carbon dioxide and Hydrogen Sulfide that makes it poisonous for us. But I heard that people can within a few minutes to seconds of being without a respirator so there might be a more a worse poison in the air. Yet despite all these things I was only given a respirator, shouldn't I be in an environment suit since the human body has lots of pores where harmful substances can enter?"
"Hmm," Kar thought for a few seconds." Maybe the company doesn't want to pay you and hopes you'll die after a while."
"That was very assuring".
"OMG SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU TWO STUPID MALES! IF THIS TAKES A LONG TIME I WON'T GET BACK IN TIME FOR MY DAILY CIGARETTES!" Screamed Grace as she thought of all the nicotine filled cylinders of joy she could pop into her mouth at the base. " Now give me the syringe so I can pump lots of sap from the tree. " She walked over to a massive one that dwarfed a red wood.
" Wow thats a big tree ."
"Yeah, sexy."
"SHUT UP HURRY UP SO I CAN HAVE CIGARETTES!"
"Well I find this job boring, I have to carry a stupid machine gun that doesn't penetrate anything. Is it true that I was given rubber bullets last week?"
"What the fuck are you talking about !" cried Grace in exasperation.
" Well you see last week there was a Thanator that attacked us and I swear I shot it in the eyes but the bullets bounced off."
"The creatures here are much more dangerous than Earth-"
" Why don't you ask them to give me a FUCKING dart gun !, with tranq rounds! "
"OMG it's cause Earth stuff doesn't work on Pandora stuff"
"ARGH what happened to Physics! A machine gun kills EVERYTHING you're giving me rubber bullets because you're a furry who loves psychotic mutant wolves."
"Hey maybe we should calm down and get the -" Kar was ignored by the two others who kept on bickering.
"Thanators are armored your stupid bullets won't penetrate!"
"Are you crazy when are predators ever armored, thats for herbivores! Wolves and Tigers die with a few bullets ! Bears shut up when you give'em a couple rounds to the head."
Kar attempted to interject again," erm I think this talking might attract the wrong kind of -"
"Stupid evil soldier."
"Stupid scientist."
"Stupid!"
"STUPID!"
"NO YOU'RE STUPID!."
"Hey um I think I hear something that sounds like a large psychotic human killing thing, maybe we should back away." whispered Kar . This time Grace and Will stopped shouting and they all turned around to see a large Titanothere break through several small bushes.
" Wow, " said Will," how does it eat?"
" Eat?"
"Yeah , it has a massive piece of bone how do you eat with that?"
"Ask Grace."
"Hey Grace how-"
"OMG shut stupid soldier or I won't be able to get my cigarettes and I will be angry."
" Maybe I should shoot it underneath the head where-"
"NO! Have you not realized that everything on Pandora is invicible?"
"Then why was I given a gun ? A hog killing lance would work."
"A WHAT!"
" They killed large animals by holding a spear in front, the butt end is place on the ground and the user holds the spear so the animal is impaled and killed by ramming the sharp end."
"That is stupid." The Titanothere charged forcing everyone to run off.
Back on the gunship a few hours later they set off for Hells Gate.
" Well that sucked."
"I hate this job. Stupid bullets."
"Damn I need a cigarette."
"Personally I think wasting millions of dollars to put us in a smurf's body was a waste, I mean how is this possible? To combine species from two different planets? For diplomacy and research? If they want research why not send a robot!" Agonized Kar over RDA's idiotic corporate planning.
"Whats a robot?" Muttered Grace, " does it have anything to do with tobacco."
"Well it is an unmanned machine that can go out and collect samples without being attacked. They can be mass produced for exploration. It's much faster and cheaper. Plus they don't run on cigarettes."
"GASP ! YOU JERK HOW COULD SPEAK OF SUCH THINGS DO YOU WANT TO LOSE OUR JOBS!"
THE END
And thats the first part. As you can see James Cameron missed out quite a few things because he needed to have a simple straight forward plot. Here is a brief commentary about the final scenes.
Battle scene
Neytiri: OMG HEY Jake the human want to run us over with their cars and take our oil erm , Unobtanium. You must save us all !
Jake: yawn oh sure what ever, I mean it's not like I have a personality so I'll do what ever you say if you let me touch your boobs. Hey wait a minute why do you have them any way?
-commentary-
Inferno the wolf(Borrowed OC): yeah, why does she have boobs?
Mosshadow: it's a typical sci fi ploy. Any bipedal alien species has them. Originally it was because they had to use human actors, especially in Star Trek and Star Wars but later on even with CGI it's great for fan service. Not to mention that this movie is in 3D so fans have an even better view.
Inferno: but how would they evolve mammary glands?
Mosshadow: they didn't, James Cameron gave it to them.
Inferno: he must have put a lot of thought into them.
-Movie-
RDA helicopters swarm towards the spirit trees.
Pilot 1: oh noes! The electronics don't work cause of the flux field created by the floating rocky thingies! We be doomed!
Pilot 2 : the interference is caused by the unobtanium creating a magnetic field a that is making rocks float.
Pilot 1: oh rly! Why aren't we floating, or being torn apart by the magnetism, we have iron in our blood.
Pilot 2: umm... the power of the PLOT is keeping us alive!*A na'vi on a Banshee grabs the helicopter and smashes it against the floating rock.
Pilot1 : well I guess the power of the PLOT is not keeping us alive any-ARGH!*a flying smurf kills him with a arrow*.
-Commentary-
Inferno: wow an arrow killed him in a helicopter. Strange considering the kind of glass used is rated to withstand A BASTILLA!
Master Chief from Halo: Oh a Banshee! Doesn't look much like a Banshee to me!
Mosshadow: yeah Inferno's Right a modern day glass windshield can with stand arrows, especially wooden ones.
Inferno: not to mention the na'vi are using wooden bows we have composites and crossbows with more power.
Mosshadow: and it's not possible for a flying creature of any type to grip a helicopter and toss it.
Inferno: how true , to be able to fly most muscles are in its wings not the legs. And the bones are weaker. Unless the entire helicopter is made of fiberglass and foam like a modern day 'ultralight' glider. But even those are very heavy compared to an animal, they weigh at 1000 pounds. A wolf or Tiger could move that but these are land animals a bird or Pterodactyl could never.
Master Chief : those helicopter sure look a lot like the one's in Halo. Plagiarism !
Mosshadow : the helicopter would have many tons more than an ultralight. It has dual blades and rockets . However the planet has .8 earth gravity.
Inferno: thats not even close to enough to hurl a assault chopper. Oh yeah won't they be fried by the magnetism? James Cameron was high when he did this part.
-movie-
Jake : YARR! *Jumps on the Valkyrie ship and chucks grenades into the vents causing it to explode and crash. *
-commentary-
Luke Skywalker: oh wow that was just like the Death Star .
Inferno: Cameron was a major idiot here , tossing bombs into vents isn't going to do anything ! Vents let heat out there is nothing important in them.
Avatar Fangirl: bad doggie! So mean to Mistah Cameron.* Beats Inferno with stick *
-movie-
Jake blows up the Dragon chopper and Colonel Killgore McBomb erm I mean Colonel Quadritch jumps out in a mech.
-Commentary-
Inferno: oh boy grenades are surely going to completely and utterly reduce a large airship to pieces. What was the RDA thinking to make a ship that crappy. Why are there no planes 3 would slaughter all the Na'vi.
Mosshadow: wow a mech , I so totally didn't see that coming.
-Movie-
Jake and Neytiri kill Quardritch with arrows and a six legged wolf. Everyone is happy and the credits play.
-commentary-
Inferno: interesting, IT SUCKED.
Mosshadow: I thought the CGI was kinda okay, but the 3D didn't seem very 3D ish , and the so called highly advanced camera system didn't feel all that great.
Inferno: and they defeated a mech with it's own blade, stupid. How can a mech have so little strength that a biological creature could defeat it . Even in the 21st century machines can out power most animals.
Mosshadow: and the machine was much bigger too. Jake won through the use of his Mighty Whitey powers and THE PLOT.
Inferno: yes , feel the true power of the PLOT! Strange how the thousands of Na'vi that were killed are ignored in the ending.
Mosshadow : yeah. But we know why.
BOTH : THE PLOT!
The PLOT! * COUGH * I mean THE END!
Questions ? Comments? Fan Flames? Theres a button for that right below! Get ready for more shorts later.