Lamentably I am afraid I cannot even begin these confessions properly as I am unable to bequeath even mine own date of birth. For some esoteric reason those progenitors, who under normal circumstances would be considered "parents", repudiated their suckling babe. Whether by kismet or calamity, certainly the former in my own opinion, I was found and rescued by a most articulate tree. The villagers, whom I could write about in great detail, but will remain brief as I am sure they are of the most nominal concern to you, worshiped this animated vegetation.
You are no doubt well-versed in my sacrilege. Blasphemy being one of the atrocities attributed to my incarceration. During my time amongst the immortal babes of the forest I had no such inklings. Nearly a decade passed where I believed The Great Deku Tree was irreproachable. Do not arbitrate me for being deceived by the oak. What reason did I have to doubt my deity? Ten monotonously blissful years passed where every want was met and every need was fulfilled. Is that not how you have imagined your life under the rule of the Goddesses? Or is it your aspiration to perpetually grovel on your knees for not but the measliest of necessities? How calamitous.
Would you care to know when my veil was lifted? How a mere infant is liberated of his theistic delusions while entire kingdoms continue to be ruled by charlatans and ethereal beings? He asked for help. The almighty protector, undaunted guardian, omnipotent father of the Kokiri children needed the help of a mute, ten year old innocent. There is no pardon for this. What God needs children to carry out his will, let alone save his life? Remember that I asked that question.
Of course I agreed to lend my aid. In that moment I believed I was being honored. Chosen from amongst my peers to repay my debt for a decade's worth of sanctuary. I expected to perish. Entering the maw of my God, descending into the depths of his core, I was prepared to meet my demise. Imagine my surprise when a mere insect was the source of The Great Deku Tree's ailment.
I was distraught. Not because the might of my enemy, (my warden eyes me nervously as I laugh aloud) but because how insignificant a creature she really is. The dots are connected swiftly. The proverbial veil is lifted. The clouds part. For the first time rays of light pierce the nimbus and reveal my surroundings. The spoon driven towards my mouth brings, not sweetness and peace, but a mound of feces. Shit, as the troglodytes call it. Here is where I commit my first sin.
Since I failed to provide the date of my birth or an acceptable surname, accept in their stead an insight as to why I have transgressed. I do not expect the princess to be moved by my words, nor do I fathom she would enjoy them. Under the laws of Hyrule a confession grants a more swift death – beheading or hanging – and I would rather enjoy my last moments confined to Earth's bosom. Crucifixion, I fear, would taint my last vanishing opinion of this realm.
No doubt many of you will cry that this was done with hubris. I expect only few to read this (my warden lost interest hours ago while I contemplated the third paragraph) and those who read to the end will find no such thing. You will see me as I am, and hopefully yourself.
Author's Note: The rest of the chapters will not be this short. Though the story as a whole should not be much longer than twelve chapters. Enjoy.