Season 3 Episode 8 - The Show Must Go On

by fanningon

Final episode of a 8 episode season 3 fanfic. Please read episodes 1-7 first. If you can, read it with the suggested music. I hope you have all enjoyed reading this season. after a little break I will be back writing a season 4 sometime in June. In the meantime you can contact me on tumblr (fanningon.) or twitter (@Emma fanningon) Cheers m'dears xo

'Exit Music (For a Film) by Radiohead

He tightened his arms around her; holding her to him as his body shook with the fear of losing her. She did not stir and he did not try to rouse her.

Chop had had a lot of sad things happen to him. Mr Ears, his bunny dying when he was seven. His older brother always stealing his favourite toys, his father's gambling. But he hadn't really cried for any of them; he had far too much male machismo surrounding him in his family to ever let himself cry.

He wept. He had been weeping almost continuously for days. He didn't know how to stop it, or even if he could. He hadn't known that he was even capable of such an outpouring of emotion.

But it was his Izzy.

My Isabella.

My life.

I didn't even know I could love like this.

I can't breathe without you baby girl.

He stroked her face as she laid still in his arms.

Rae and Finn came into the room for their daily visit; they had the early morning and Archie and Chloe had the afternoon visit. Finn's eyes were on Rae's face as she spoke. But she stopped mid-sentence. Finn's eyes traveled from Rae's face to where she was looking in shocked silence.

Chop held a still and silent Izzy to his chest, crying and rocking back and forth.

He saw them and just kept crying. Finn's fingers squeezed around Rae's hand.

Rae felt the tears prick in her eyes and turned to press the 'call nurse' button, but Chop stopped her.

"She's just sleeping." He croaked through his tears. Rae felt the tension leave her body as she took her hand away from the button and turned back to Chop and Izzy.

"Fucking hell." Finn breathed out in relief and leaned against the wall. "She look-" but he stopped himself.

"I know." Chop gasped through his tears. "I know." He kissed her forehead, "I thought she were for a minute too."

"We should get her back into bed." Rae said gently but Chop shook his head.

"This is the only way I get to hold her now."

"Yeah but she needs to be in her bed and to rest Chop." Rae countered, "C'mon." She motioned for him to get up. Chop looked down at Izzy and then back up at Rae and slowly nodded his head. He stood up and carried her to the bed, gently laying her down while Rae sorted out the pillows.

Finn stayed in the door, his heart still thudding. He'd had enough of death and misery; everything just reminded him of his fear of Rae dying now. His eyes followed her as she set up the bed and blankets for Izzy. Chop collapsed into the chair by her side and took her hand, his eyes fixed on her face.

Rae decided to press the 'call nurse' button anyway; she couldn't shake the sense of dread in her stomach and she wanted them to check Izzy out.

Finn came into the room and sat on the chair by the window silently and watched Rae as she started to talk to Izzy softly.

She didn't wake up as Rae spoke about everything that was happening at school. Nor when the nurses came in and took a look, deciding to call a doctor to see about getting another chest x-ray. She didn't wake up when Rae and Finn had to leave. She still hadn't woken up when Archie and Chloe came for their visit after school.

Izzy slept, completely unresponsive to the world. And Chop cried, his hand always holding hers.

'Soma' by Smashing Pumpkins

Finn looked at his hands on the steering wheel. He had missed driving. First it was the drugs he had to take for his injury, then it was Rae not wanting to give up the steering wheel. But today he needed the car to go to the hospital for his liver function tests and he didn't want to take the bike, and she had a date. With Phillip.

Just before the Easter holiday Elsa had asked the performing arts class if any of them fancied entering a one act play competition being held in London. The general consensus was that everyone wanted to pick up the extra work. It was decided that Phillip and Rae would write this script over the Easter break and they'd start rehearsals when school resumed. Finn had been less than happy, not just because it was Phillip, but because the thought of Saul was always in the back of his mind. But she had to do her homework, so she had to do this.

Today was their first writing date; she'd had to cancel one already, so they'd probably spend all day today writing.

They were parked outside of his house. A large four bedroom house with a manicured garden that Finn eyed scathingly.

"So he's rich as well." Finn muttered unimpressed. "O' course." Rae shrugged in response.

"It's never come up in conversation." Finn breathed out with an increasing sound of unimpressed annoyance. Rae bit her bottom lip and waited for Finn to speak his mind. He kept staring at his hands on the steering wheel, while Rae sat beside him looking at the front door, hoping Phillip wouldn't come out.

"Alright." He said after a long pause. "Have a good day." He smiled stiffly and leaned in to kiss her.

"What's wrong?" She asked, not letting him kiss her. He looked longingly at her lips and sighed.

"Nothing." He said grumpily.

"Nothing." She mimicked him and he shot her a dirty look.

"I don't like that I don't get to spend the day with you."

"You get some time with the lads." She reminded him and he nodded glumly. "You like time with the lads."

"Aye." He sighed again.

"So?"

"I still hate Bill." He said sulkily, expecting the usual rebuff and argument.

"Fair enough." He looked up at her smiling face with a confused look on his face. She shrugged, "You're right, I haven't been clear enough with him. And if it comes up, I'll make sure he knows his place." Finn looked down at his hands, not sure how to feel about what she had said. He wanted her to raise the topic, not wait for Phillip, but at least she was acknowledging it now. He turned his eyes back to her and smiled wanly.

"You don't have to."

"I know." Rae put a hand to his face, "but you deserve better than to think that I would rather hurt you than him. Or anyone really." She saw an unmistakeable look of relief on his face.

"It was wrong of me to make you think I don't trust you." He answered honestly.

"I know!" She laughed and he grinned lopsidedly with her, taken by these moments of confidence she sometimes had. "But," she said slowly, as if reluctantly, "This one time." She said cheekily, "I may have been more wrong than you."

"This one time?" He laughed with disbelief.

"May have." She answered and kissed his chuckling mouth. She stroked his cheek and looked into his eyes, "I want you to know that you don't have to worry Finn." She said seriously, "Not just think it or suspect it. I want you to know it in your bones."

"I do." He answered with lowered eyes.

"So we never had this problem with Phillip then?" She pointed out.

"Things are different now." He shrugged.

"Aye but old worries have a way of coming back." Rae answered, wanting him to know that she understood that this was important. He looked up at her mouth with a loving smile.

"I like how much you say aye now." He ran his fingers along her lips as her lips turned up into a smile.

"You're rubbing off on me." She kissed him and held his face in her hands, "I love you Finlay McCay Nelson." He smiled with a strange look on his face.

"I love you." He mumbled shyly looking down.

"What?"

"I kinda like it when you use my full name." He shrugged self-consciously, "and I've kinda hated me middle name since me ma left." He sighed.

"Her last name?"

"Scottish naming tradition." He smiled grimly. "So yeah, it's her maiden name. Me dad wanted Iain, but mum insisted."

"I like it. It's much better than Iain… that's kinda dorky." She kissed him and he laughed shyly and lowered his eyes.

"She wanted to call me Fionnlaoch." He spelled it out for her so she could see the horror of that name. "It's Gaelic!"

"Holy shit!" She laughed.

"Aye!" Finn nodded, "I'm so glad me da stuck his ground on that. And he says she only gave in cos Finlay is Scottish anyway. He said that she said it were bad enough I'd have Nelson as a last name." He shook his head, "Fionnlaoch. Imagine it."

"Sounds almost the same though." She shrugged.

"I s'pose." He grinned, "Me ma was right adamant that I'd learn Gaelic and Scottish stuff." He eyes hazed over as he thought back to her, "She were quite patriotic."

"We should continue your education then." Rae suggested.

"You know…" Finn said slowly, "Da says he wants to try and find her." Finn searched Rae's face for any signs of what she thought.

"Do you want to?"

"I think I do." He looked down at his ragged fingernails, "I think I'd like to learn about me heritage from her."

"That sounds like a good idea."

"I have this stupid idea…" He spoke with equal measures fear and hope, "that we'll find her right quick. And she'll see me… and everything'll be alright." His vulnerability was heartbreaking and Rae held his hands firmly as he spoke, "She'll love me. And she'll be alright. And she'll come home." He looked, pleading at Rae, as if she could make this happen and she smiled bracingly.

"I hope that's what happens." He nodded slowly in response.

"Me too."

"So you gonna tell your dad that you want to find her?" Finn paused for just a moment.

"Aye." He said with an excitement that could not hide the undercurrent of fear in his voice. He kissed her passionately, excited, terrified and aching for so many different things. As he pulled away he saw the front curtains flick and grimaced.

"What?' Rae saw the sudden drop in his mood.

"We been spotted." He nodded towards the house and Rae sighed.

"S'pose I gotta go in." She said grimly.

"What time do you want me to pick you up?' Finn asked, pretending that he wasn't just as unimpressed by this plan as ever.

"We'll I'd like you to ravish me before dinner." She answered cheekily eliciting an immediate grin from Finn, "So time yourself around that."

"Alright." The anticipation was already in his voice, and it made Rae feel like the most desirable woman in the world. He jumped out and went around to her side of the car to open the door. Rae saw a shadow moving inside the house and knew that Phillip was waiting. He kissed her at the front door; a deep, sexually charged, and long, lingering kiss.

"See you this after." He whispered and she groaned lustfully in response. "I love you Mrs Nelson." He jogged back to the car, running late for his appointment and Rae watched the car pull out, longing to go with him and make love all day after his test. She sighed deeply and pressed the doorbell.

"Hi Rae." He said with a grin as he opened the door and let her in. It was the first time they'd been alone since Rae had spoken to Kester about him. She'd hung with him at school, but someone else had always been there. She was nervous about telling him to back off; she didn't know how to even say that kind of thing. Rae distracted herself by looking around the house, trying to stop her jaw from dropping.

"Quite posh." She said, trying to hide her awe. Phillip shrugged.

"It's home." He motioned for her to follow him and led her upstairs to his bedroom. Rae looked around the huge room, almost twice the size of hers, with a huge ensuite attached. There was a desk with two chairs already set up for their study at one end of the room. She sat down at the desk and started to pull things out of her bag.

"Do you want something to eat? Or drink?"

"Just whatever you got." She shrugged.

"Ok. Well you make yourself at home, and I'll grab something from downstairs." He left the room and Rae looked around. She saw his large windows, the venetian blinds open and shuddered. She got up and closed them. Rae looked at the posters on the wall, the slightly messy bedside table and the modest cd collection beside a large stereo system. She turned and looked at his bookshelves; stuffed full with books. She was flicking through his copy of Shakespeare's complete works when he came back up with two mugs of tea in one hand and a plate of various snack foods in the other. Rae looked closely at the food; a lot of it was things that she really liked. She took the tea from him and took a sip; sweet, milky and really strong. He knew how she took tea. She knew they'd talked about things like this; he was always asking small random questions. It was just the fact that he remembered it that told her that Phillip really did have a crush on her

"Thanks." She said quietly as she sat down to start work.

"You wanna borrow the Shakespeare?" He asked.

"Nah that's ok." She shook her head. They worked for a while on what kind of idea they wanted; Rae suggesting a modernised Macbeth and Phillip agreeing to go with it.

"You know Rae, it's going around school that some guy tried to kill you and Finn…? And that's why you both had so much time off school." He watched Rae tighten the scarf around her neck and look down. "Was it your stalker?" His concern was obvious and Rae felt bad for him; she didn't want him to worry.

"Yeah." She replied reluctantly, "Finn saved me life and nearly died for his trouble." She tried to smile but it felt dead on her lips.

"Wow. He saved your life…" Phillip said softly, a strange light in his eyes. He looked away for a moment, "You alright?" He turned his face back to her, deeply concerned.

"I s'pose."

"Something traumatic like that… it leaves marks." He said softly. "You can talk to me if you need to." He shrugged. "I mean, obviously you don't have to… I'm just saying…" He took a deep breath, "I'm just saying that I care. And if you need anything." He looked away, fidgeting with his pen, "I'd like to help."

"Thanks Phil." She said softly and looked back down at the outline they had created.

"Where'd it happen?" He asked gently, "if you don't mind saying." He added, clearly worried about her.

"Oh, he got me in me bedroom."

"In your bed-" He swallowed hard. "Did he…?" He looked away, "not my business, I'm sorry." Rae knew he wanted to ask if he had raped her. But she had no intention of answering anything specific about what had happened. She'd already been grilled on this topic by so many people; she only told the details to the people she had to tell, or wanted to tell. Phillip was neither of those.

"I don't imagine you like being in your bedroom anymore." He tried to partially change the topic.

"I mostly stay at Finn's house at nights now." She admitted willingly.

"He got a spare bedroom then?" He asked hopefully.

"No I stay in his room." Rae answered deliberately. "In his bed." She saw in his eyes that he was still clinging on to the idea that Finn did not sleep in the bed with her, "With him." She added pointedly. He turned his face way.

"So it's pretty serious with him then?" He muttered. When he turned his face back to her, she saw that look in his eyes that she had been unable to read before. She understood it now. He didn't want her to be staying with Finn. He wanted her to still be a virgin.

"Very serious." Rae caught his eye and knew she had to keep hammering the nails in the coffin, "We have truly amazing sex." She said earnestly.

"Yeah he said." Phillip grinned grimly, "I thought he was just bragging. You know? Boy talk." He swallowed hard, clearly unhappy.

"Finn's not the kind of guy to brag about something that he hasn't done." Rae said, "He don't talk much, but when he does choose to, he does it honestly. And when he brags, he's usually under-telling the story, not over-telling it." Phillip nodded slowly, considering this.

"You haven't been together for very long."

"You think I'm a slut?" She asked calmly.

"No!" Phillip answered horrified. "No, I just… you seem to care about him a lot for such a short lived relationship." He said hurriedly.

"Right." She said tight lipped.

"I just… I know you think you love him." Phillip said, "But you've only been with him a short time, so…" He paused, his mind scrambling over everything, "Maybe it's trauma after the stalker stuff?"

"I am very much in love with Finn." She said firmly, "Stalker or no." A silence filled the room and Rae watched him in that silence.

"Right." He answered thoughtfully. She thought back to all the things Finn had said to her about Phillip and tried to think of a way forward in this discussion. A way that didn't hurt his pride too much.

Feign innocence

The thought came from nowhere but she knew what she had to do. She had to pretend that she still had no clue that he liked her.

"I know that you and Finn chat." She said this as if she was implying that they were mates. Phillip tried to hide the scoff and she looked away, trying not to join him in that scoff, "He tells me that you love someone?" Silence greeted her words as he slowly nodded, his eyes on her face.

"I do." Rae felt her heart break for him. She knew what it was like to crush on someone that you couldn't have; it had been her whole life until Finn, and even while she'd been crushing on Finn, she never really thought she'd get him. She felt a huge upsurge of sympathy for Phil and put her hand over his in a gesture of friendship.

"So you know what I mean when I say that the most important thing in the world to me is Finn's happiness; because I love him, that's all I care about." She smiled, "You understand that, cos you must want happiness for the person you love?" Phillip looked down at her hand on his and nodded his head. She withdrew her hand and turned back to her notes on the play, feeling like she had made everything very clear to him. But he watched her from the corner of his eye; his mind working overtime.

It's so nice to have sorted that out.

Now I can go ahead and just be friends with Phillip. Cos now he knows that I love Finn. And he knows he should just let me be happy.

Maybe I should tell him to move on? Would that make it more clear? How would I even raise that now?

They started to flesh out their outline.

"How are we going to contemporise it?" Phillip asked and sucked his pen in thought.

"Well, it's gotta be a setting where there's power struggles and murder…"

"We can make it like a drug gang or something?" Rae thought about this for a while

"Alright… so the king is kinda the head drug maker?" Rae started to make a chart of all the characters and their modern day roles.

"Yeah, and we'll make Macbeth start as courier. And MacDuff can be like his best pal at first."

"Can't be more than an hour." Rae warned.

"So what do we take out?" He looked over their ideas and saw Rae's pen hovering over Lady Macbeth, "We can't take out Lady MacBeth; her trauma is so strong." Rae wiped her face as she considered how they could trim it down before they'd even started writing it.

"Ok, well what do we want to say about this early friendship o' theirs that you wanna put in?"

"Something about how even strong relationships can break down with the right kinda pressure."

"That pressure being MacBeth's ambition." Rae mused. "Ok and what do we want to say about Lady MacBeth's trauma?"

"That trauma can affect how we feel and the decisions we make."

"Right…" Rae thought, "They're both good…" She tried to figure out a way to think around their time restrictions, missing the look Phillip was giving her. Had she seen it, she would have known that she was no closer to dealing with Phillip's affections than she had been when she'd first entered his house.

'Wish You Were Here' by Pink Floyd

Rae had never really known her Nan. She'd died when Rae was so young. She looked down on the slightly neglected grave as her mum knelt and started to clear it up. Rae had decided to come with her because she hadn't spent a whole lot of time with her lately, and because it would be nice to get out of the house, even though Karim and Aiesha were still there. It was the first time she'd been in the house without Finn for longer than an hour or so, and she wasn't enjoying it. But Gary was driving Finn up to London today to see Dr Kraus to go over his blood latest liver function tests; she hadn't been able to make it to Stamford, and she was his doctor. Rae had wanted to go, and Finn had wanted her to come. But she knew that those Nelson men still had a lot of healing to do after their fight, and now that things were calmer, she wanted to give them time to talk. Not that Nelson men were renowned for their talking.

Finn had accepted Archie's evaluation of the situation: Rae was safe as long as she wasn't alone. Saul was too much of a coward to take on a second person. It meant that her life was tense, but that she had a wide selection of bodyguards to choose between. It meant that Finn sometimes got time off from being stuck with her all day and night. Not that he seemed to mind. But she couldn't help but think that it must get tiring for him. At least this way he could still go to the gym and have time with the lads. If they planned themselves carefully, they could almost have a normal life.

Except Rae never got a moment alone. This morning he'd left her bed to go to the boxing joint; if there was no one else in the house, he'd always drag her along with him, and she'd sit in the cafeteria yawning and reading. But today Linda and Karim where in the house and he kissed her goodbye before heading off; he was heading straight home afterwards to go to London.

She looked around the graveyard and saw small grass flowers blooming everywhere and butterflies flitting amongst them. It was a beautiful spring early morning, the kind of day Rae might have taken a long walk alone on if not for the fear that still clung to her life. It was so early still, that Finn wouldn't even have left the boxing joint yet. She watched the world slowly waking up around her, birds singing, insects whirring, trees turning their leaves to the sun. Mornings like these made you feel like the whole world was doing just fine. She felt the sun on her back, making her feel safe and warm and smiled contently as her mother fussed with the gravestone.

Rae was suddenly struck with the overwhelming urge to be alone. She needed to be away from people. Even if just for a moment. Not just because she never got to be alone, but because there was something that she urgently needed to do, something she had been neglecting.

"Mum…. Can I go for a walk?"

"Where to?' She asked without looking up.

"Just wanna visit Tixie." Rae said softly.

"Will you be safe?" Linda looked up.

"He's hardly gonna grab me here mum."

"He grabbed you in our home." Linda shuddered at the thought.

"Aye, this is too public." Linda considered this for a moment and nodded.

"Well don't go too far."

"I won't."

Rae felt her heart skip in fear and elation at finally being allowed to be alone with herself. She raised her face to the sky, the sun warming her skin; she hadn't gotten a lot of sun lately, and this felt almost decadent. She dawdled on her way to Tixie's grave, enjoying the spring air and getting her emotions under control. She hadn't visited Tix in far too long. In fact, she'd only visited Tix once; to give her the letter. She already felt the tears behind her eyes but refused to acknowledge them as she approached the headstone slowly.

"Oh Tixie." She murmured as she sunk to her knees and put her hand on the grass above where she laid. She read the gravestone slowly. She looked at the fresh flowers and touched the petals of one of the creamy coloured roses.

"I'm sorry it's been so long since I visited." Rae's voice choked up almost immediately, but she made herself continue. "There's just been so much happening. I can't even tell you how much. You wouldn't believe me Tixie." She wiped her face and tried to get herself under control, but it was no use, she started to cry. "But you know…" He voice winced out of her closed up throat, "I think the main reason I haven't come," she took a shuddering breath, "is cos I blame myself Tix." She sobbed and touched the headstone, "I should have been there for you." She let herself cry for a long time. "I miss you so much." She laid down beside Tix's grave and kept talking. "I miss going up to the hospital and getting your advice." Rae stroked the grass longingly, "I miss your smile." She wept, "And… your laugh." Rae let the feelings she had been repressing for so long finally start to bleed out of her eyes, her face screwed up in a deep grief. She cried for a long time, lying with her knees tucked up to her chest, one hand extended to the grass above her dead friend's body. She had so many regrets, so much guilt and shame. "It's not fair Tix." She sniffed, "It's not fair that this happened to you." She sobbed again, the pain inside of her seemingly never ending.

And then he was there, his hand on her face tenderly.

"What are you doing here?" She asked confused.

"Shhh." He soothed as he laid down behind her and spooned her comfortingly. Finn didn't say another word as she wept. He just held her silently. Rae wept until she felt that her insides would physically pour out of her mouth, her whole body shaking with grief. Grief for her lost friend, for another friend slowly slipping away in front of her eyes, for all that had happened these past few months, for her own life forever changed. But mostly it was grief for Tix; a grief she hadn't let herself even acknowledge until this day. And still he held her. He held her until she had exhausted herself and laid there silently, her face swollen and sore.

He kissed her shoulder and slowly sat up, helping her sit up. She looked around, fearful that people had seen her. She was stiff from holding herself so rigid with grief. He stroked her hair slowly.

"What are you doing here?" Her voice was small and lost and he scooted closer to her to give her his warmth and comfort.

"They rescheduled me appointment to tomorrow." He said softly, "I tried calling your place but Karim said you was out with your mum… so I thought I'd come visit me Nan." He pointed to a gravestone 1 row back and 5 over. "Haven't come in a long time." He lowered his eyes guiltily, "I was gonna head over to yours after, but I heard your voice, so…" He explained. She nodded slowly.

"I'm glad you was here." She sniffed miserably.

"Me too." He answered with a sad smile.

"Mum must be worried." She sighed heavily.

"She already came by. You didn't see her, but I did, and she saw me." Finn said softly, "I think she decided it were best to leave us to it." Finn looked at the gravestone and back at Rae, "do you wanna tell me about her?" Rae's eyes, feeling tired and fragile, like her whole body, focussed on the gravestone.

"She was my friend." Rae answered simply. "And she died because I forgot to go to dinner with her… I was at the rave instead." Finn lowered his eyes, not sure what to make of what she said. "When I first went into hospital, she was the only girl who'd talk to me." Rae pulled the cuffs of her jumper over her hands and stared at the gravestone. "We got really close. I whispered all my dreams and hopes to her for months." Finn looked up at her face and gently stroked her hair, carefully pulling out a few leaves as she spoke. "She was my fatty. And I was her skinny. And I let her down. I let everyone down." She stroked the gravestone and Finn tried to think of something to say. "I let her down cos I wanted to get with a boy." Finn looked away, knowing that she meant him and sucked his bottom lip. She turned her face to him, "I didn't mean-"

"It's alright." He answered softly, and she turned back to the headstone.

"I just totally forgot it. And then when I remembered it, I thought that there'd be plenty of other chances. I didn't realise that she needed me so much."

"You never know what's going on in someone else's life." Finn finally found his voice, "you can't blame yourself."

"But I do. Just not nearly enough." She kissed the headstone slowly and Finn felt lost, not knowing what to say.

"There's so much pain in you Rae." He said softly, "I wish I could heal it." She turned to him.

"You do alright." She said with a reassuring smile. He stroked her face. She kissed him and he felt a bittersweet moment of clarity; he'd never heal it all, but he'd get through some of it at least. He stood up and held his hand down to her.

"C'mon, you're s'posed to be meeting the gang at the chippy for breakfast Miss Earl." He grinned.

"Alright Mr Earl." She said as she took his hand and stood up slowly. She turned back to Tix's headstone, "I'll come visit again soon."

They turned back towards the road, Rae could see Finn's bike parked on the curb. He walked with his head down, his mood low, she knew she should try to cheer him up, but she could barely breathe she was so sad.

"I'm sorry I interrupted your visit to your Nan." She said quietly.

"It's alright." He said honestly, "Nan'd understand. Gotta look after me girl." He turned his eyes to her and his eyes dropped to the necklace around her throat. She often wore scarves now to hide her scars, so he didn't get to see it on her out in public like this, just in their rooms. But she wasn't wearing a scarf today and seeing it reminded him sharply of his father's words. His Nan had intended that necklace to go to his wife. To him that necklace was like an engagement ring, but he'd never told her that. And even though they'd spoken of the future, that was a very different thing to being engaged. One was an intangible concept, an idea; something that could pass in an instant. The other was a very solid, very real intention, a plan; it was something that was very much going to happen. He lowered his eyes, feeling unsure of how she'd react to something so solid; to his very real intent to spend the rest of his life with her. He knew they were very young. He knew that she had big plans for her life, and he had no intention of getting in the way of them. But he needed her more than oxygen. He watched her from the side of his eye as they walked.

"Me Nan was a great believer in romance." Finn smiled reminiscently, "She believed in great loves that lasted a lifetime." Finn watched her face for any sign of how Rae felt about that idea. He knew that plenty of people didn't feel that way. "But she was a realist, you know." He added, "She used to tell me that I could have a great love too. But only if I were willing to work me arse off for it." He saw the ghost of a smile touch her lips and felt elated.

"She said arse?" They stopped at the bike and turned to each other.

"She said arse." Finn smiled lopsidedly at her and Rae lowered her eyes, smiling sadly. Finn kept his eyes on her, his gaze intent, filled with love.

"I guess you chose the right girl."

"Aye." His eyes dropped to the necklace and decided he had to tell her what it meant to him, for her to be wearing that. It was a promise, a vow. In his mind, it was the actuality of forever, not just the words. He tried to will himself to speak, but his throat closed up, and she was turning to the bike, opening up the under seat compartment and getting the spare helmet out; Finn's helmet hung from the handles as usual. Finn watched the moment get away from him as she put the helmet on. He let it pass. A graveyard was not the place to tell Rae how real his plans actually were. This was not the place to tell her that if it wasn't her, then it would be no one for him. That he'd never be able to love again after her; that he would rather die than be without her. That he would never let her go; he'd do whatever it took to keep her happy enough to stay. This wasn't the place to tell her that the words 'I love you' were paltry shadows in comparison to the actual love and emotion he felt for her. He grabbed his own helmet and jumped on the bike. It wasn't just Rae's reactions to the solidness of his plans, to the true depth of his emotion for her that he worried about. It was how vulnerable it made him. He was utterly at her mercy. And he knew it. What would happen if she knew it too?

'Attitude' by Guns n Roses

Dusk was slowly setting in as Simmy drew on his cigarette and scanned the street for something to do. He was leaning up against the wall of the building, waiting for Macca to get off work before they headed out to have a good night. He had Macca had had a bit of a strained friendship the last few months. Macca had been insistent on Simmy keeping his mouth shut around Archie, and it had pissed Simmy off no end. Simmy knew Finn was behind Macca's change of heart and he was sick of people being more scared of that fucking pretty boy Finn than himself. He might have to put Finn in his place. But tonight was for drinking himself stupid.

A pretty girl walked by and Simmy watched her, eyeing her tits and arse closely, a sexually predatory desire growing in the pit of his stomach. And then someone walked in front of his vision. He looked at the person blocking his view ready to yell some abuse at them.

"Faggot." Simmy grinned as he breathed the word. Archie hadn't seen Simmy as he came around the corner. But he stopped and turned around when he heard the word.

"Fuck you." He answered, clearly sick of this. He took his glasses off and put them in his top pocket; just in case.

"You'd like that wouldn't you, you anal astronaut."

"Really?" Archie shook his head, "Is that the best you got?"

"Arse bandit."

"For a guy who's straight you sure are obsessed with what I'm doing with another guy's arse." Archie grinned, "sure you're not a pillow biter too?" Archie saw the rage flood into Simmy's face a little too late, so he missed the punch aimed right at his face and staggered backwards, his left eye singing out in pain, his nose gushing blood. But Archie laughed; he'd had worse, in training and in sex. He raised his fists and advanced on Simmy, ready to knock the fuck out of him. Simmy hit out with a wide swinging punch and Archie ducked it, and in the same movement planted an uppercut in Simmy's solar plexus. When Simmy doubled over, Archie had another uppercut ready for him. One for his chin. Simmy fell back onto his arse and scooted back, shaking his head to clear it.

"Bring it arse rimmer." Archie motioned for Simmy to fight him. Simmy leapt up from the ground, tackling Archie to the ground and thumping him in the ribs and body several times, hard. Archie took the blows and hit Simmy in the face and rolled him over to be straddling him.

"Get off me faggot!" Simmy screamed in a panic, but Archie just hit him in the face again and sat on him.

"Don't fight it Simmy!" Archie laughed and grabbed him, leaned down and kissed his forehead, not wanting to go near Simmy's bleeding mouth. He got off Simmy and shaking his head he turned to go. But Simmy grabbed his ankle and reefed Archie off his feet, face first into the ground. He leapt up and kicked Archie in the side and Archie grunted from the impact, the wind knocked out of him. Archie scrambled to his feet as Simmy punched him in the kidneys and stumbled forward, turning, ready to fight gain. But Macca was here, pulling Simmy back.

"The fuck you doing?" Macca yelled at him.

"Fuck him, and fuck you if you take his side!" Simmy replied angrily.

"Archie's our mate!" Macca retorted. Simmy looked at Macca and then at Archie, who was slowly lowering his fists. He spat in Archie's face and stormed off. Macca looked at Archie stunned.

"I'm sorry man." He shot before following Simmy, "Simmy!" He said, trying to reason with him. Archie was shocked, and it took a moment for him to gather himself. He put his hand up to his face and wiped the bloody spit from his face. The adrenaline started to ebb and he suddenly felt small and alone in a world that hated him for being gay. He felt tears pricking at his eyes and decided to shake them off by running as fast as he could the rest of the way to Tom's place.

'That's How Strong My Love Is' by Otis Redding

Tom opened the door, the smile on his face instantly freezing as he saw the blood on Archie's shirt, his whole body heaving as he panted, out of breath, his hands over his nose.

"The fuck happened?"

"That fucking cunt." Archie said angrily, tears in his eyes, "belted me." Tom took him into the bathroom and carefully peeled Archie's fingers off his nose.

"Ouch." He said sympathetically. "I'll get you some ice. Then you have to tell me everything."

When Tom came back, Archie was leaned over the sink, blood dripping into the basin. Tom gave him a reassuring smile and carefully placed the ice over his nose, Archie taking it from him immediately. Tom rubbed his back gently and waited for him to calm down.

"I don't think it's broken." Tom said softly, "just bleeding like it is." He grinned when Archie gave him a look of embarrassment. "You gonna tell me what happened?"

"You remember that prick, from the first day we met?" Tom nodded his head sadly, "at least I held me own this time." Archie took the ice off his nose and looked in the mirror at the swelling under his left eye. The right eye seemed less affected. The bleeding had stopped and Archie cleaned up the blood. He noticed Tom's brows, deeply furrowed as he looked everywhere but Archie.

"What's wrong?" He turned to Tom.

"I wish you didn't have to experience this shit." He said softly, still not looking at Archie, "you deserve better than… being beaten cos you got a boyfriend." Archie took Tom's hand and Tom's brows furrowed further.

"It's not your fault, you know."

"I know, but…" He stopped and looked up at Archie for a long time, "I don't like anyone leaving a mark on you." He smiled slyly, "unless it's me." Archie gave him a wry grin.

"Well you're allowed to leave marks." Archie said saucily, "but that Simmy fucker needs to be taken down." He stripped off his shirt and cleaned up the blood that had dripped down his chest, "and I'm gonna need more training if I'm gonna do it." He grimaced determinedly.

Tom ran his fingers along Archie's side, seeing bruises coming up on other parts of his body.

"I don't like seeing you like this." He said sadly. "It's one thing to choose to have a couple of love-taps, but getting beaten…" he shook his head, "I think I need to have a talk to this Simmy guy."

"There's no point." Archie turned to him.

"I mean with my fists." Tom answered seriously.

"Gonna defend your boyfriend?" Archie grinned at the thought and Tom nodded as Archie turned to him.

"Surprisingly yes!" Tom laughed, "I've never done that before." He ran his fingers down Archie's face and kissed him slowly, deeply. Archie felt his heart in his mouth; Tom had never kissed him like this, and when Tom pulled away, the look on his face told Archie that Tom had never kissed anyone like this before. Tom looked at the floor, confused. Archie opened his mouth to ask him what was wrong.

"Archie," Tom said suddenly, looking up at him, "I think I'm in love with you." His brows furrowed and his eyes darted away, "I don't know because I've never felt… love…" He looked utterly bewildered and then suddenly smiled, "Yeah." He nodded his head, "Yeah I'm in love with you." He kissed Archie deeply and with a passion Archie had never experienced. When he eventually pulled away they were both breathless.

"I love you too." Archie finally got to answer, he tried to grin, but his left eye protested, and it ended up lopsided.

"Wow." Tom looked at him in awe and then laughed. "I never thought I'd…" He laughed again. "I'm in love with you." He pulled Archie to him, "and I wanna make love to you." He shook his head, "and I've never done that before… or wanted that before." He kissed Archie deeply again and Archie's body reciprocated his heat. "Go' what's happening to me?" Tom marvelled as he looked at Archie's face. "Are you ok to… make love?" He asked, somewhat taken aback by his own request.

"Yeah." Archie nodded and took Tom's hands in his face in his hands kissing him slowly and deeply. Archie hadn't realised that this had been missing from his sex life until it started. He supposed it was like that with all things in life. But now that Tom kissed him with a heated love, he felt like he wouldn't be able to live without it.

"You sure?" Tom asked, worried about Archie's bruising, something he'd never worried about when he inflicted them himself.

"I'm peachy-freakin'-keen!" Archie laughed and Tom laughed with him, feeling the need to kiss him deeply before taking his hand and leading him to the bedroom. Archie slowly stripped Tom's shirt off, kissing his chest reverently, enjoying the sounds Tom made when his tongue danced across Tom's skin. Archie slowly undid Tom's belt, and instead of using it to either hit Tom, or tie him up, or choke him, favourite pastimes of theirs, he simply dropped it to the floor. Tom ran his hands slowly down Archie's body, marvelling at every tiny detail.

"I never realised how incredibly beautiful you are." Tom said slowly, his eyes following his hands across Archie's bare flesh. "I mean I knew… but… I didn't really know… you understand?" Archie shook his head.

"I've always seen how beautiful you are." Archie answered wryly. "It's hard not to see it." Tom looked up at his face.

"You know, no one's ever told me that, though?" Archie reached up and stroked Tom's face.

"Well y'are." He replied.

"Your skin is so nice." Tom marvelled and kissed Archie as he undid his pants. He stepped back to take in Archie's naked body, "Lie down." He breathed and Archie laid back on the bed, Tom reached for the lube and then straddled Archie slowly, kissing his lips tenderly. Slowly he guided Archie into him and groaned happily as he rode Archie, drinking in his face, his body, the feel of Archie underneath him and inside of him. Sex that didn't involve some sort of pain, either for himself or his partner, or preferably both, was not something he had ever enjoyed before, and he had no doubt that he and Archie would continue to be rough, but he quite liked the idea of adding this more tender stuff to their repertoire; there was something so nice, fulfilling even, about slowly revelling in Archie, in making love with him. He wanted lose himself in Archie entirely. They kissed, their hips slowly grinding together, murmuring words of love and awe and admiration to each other. Archie ran his hands up Tom's back, enjoying the feel of his muscles moving.

"I gotta be inside of you." Tom moaned and slid off Archie to position himself between his thighs. Archie gasped happily as Tom entered him and slid in as deeply as he could, kissing from Archie's neck up to his mouth. "I'm gonna make love with you all night Archie." Tom told him. And Archie kissed him in response, his inside tingling and jittering with love. "I love you." Tom whispered through his kisses.

"Oh god I love you." Archie groaned, his fingers curling in Tom's hair and pulling him in for more kisses. Archie felt that he would happily never stop kissing Tom. Indeed, Archie felt like he could almost die happily in Tom's arms. He finally understood Finn and Chop and their devotion to their partners; Tom was fast becoming his lifeblood.

When the dawning sun shone through the open blinds the next morning Archie woke with a smile on his face. Tom's arm was slung over his stomach, and when he turned to face Tom, he pulled Archie closer in his sleep. When the sun shone on his face, he looked truly glorious and Archie's breath caught in his throat as his eyes slowly opened. He grinned up at Archie.

"I'll have to whip that smile off your face." Archie said with an equally happy grin.

"Oh I love it when you talk dirty to me." He pulled Archie closer and kissed him and sighed happily when he pulled back from the kiss. "You are perfect Archie." He said happily, "utterly perfect, in every single way." He ran his fingers down his cheek and looked into his eyes, "I'm very lucky to have accidentally run into that day. I love you."

"Might have to send Simmy some flowers then huh?"

"Oh fuck no!" Tom laughed, "I'm still gonna belt the fuck out of him for touching my man."

"I love you." Archie grinned.

"I suppose I'd better meet all you family and friends?" He asked quietly, worried about what they'd think of him.

"I suppose so." Archie agreed.

"D'you think they'll think I'm good enough for you?"

"Why would you even ask that?" Tom shrugged.

"My family is virulently anti-gay." He sighed, "My father has at least stopped trying to beat the fag out of me. But my mother still lectures me when I visit." He looked down, "I keep thinking I should cut ties with them, but…"

"They're your family."

"Yeah." Tom said slowly. "What are your parents like?"

"Not too bad." Archie said, considering how they'd responded, "My mum seems to think she'd gotten a gay best friend." Tom laughed and gave him a sympathetic look, "I think Dad still doesn't know what to think, but he loves me, you know? So he'll be fine."

"Brothers? Sisters?"

"None." Archie said, "but me best mate, is kinda like me brother, and he already knew. Here I was thinking I'd done a bang up job of hiding it, kissing all them girls…. But no." Archie shook his head, bemused, "I've even made out with his girlfriend. She quite a good kisser that one."

"Was this before or after he was with her?"

"Before, o' course!" Archie laughed. "He told me he were right jealous of how close we were and how much of a crush Rae had on me. Cos even though he knew I were gay, he thought Rae didn't know."

"Right, you're gonna have to run me through your friendship group and everything that's happened with them, so I can make sure I've got it all stored in my memory for when I meet them!"

"It'll bore you to death!" Archie laughed, "You don't need to know all this stuff!"

"Yeah I do, because it matters to you." Tom kissed his lips slowly. "So it matters to me."

'Lullaby' by The Cure

"It feels wrong to be going back to school today." Chloe said unhappily as she sat down at the table. Rae groaned sympathetically and Finn gave a tight grin. He was still very careful around Chloe, being careful to never be alone with her, they didn't hug, they didn't touch each other. He knew from the looks she gave him that she still had feelings for him, so he was extra careful. If ever she were to stop having feelings for him, he supposed that they may be able to normalise their friendship to something more like it was before, but only if Rae was comfortable with that.

Archie walked into the chippy looking far too happy and pleased with himself. When he saw all of their glum faces he paused.

"What happened?" He asked with real concern; with the way the past few months had gone it could have anything, but his mind instantly went to Izzy.

"What happened to your face?" Finn asked as he picked up a chip and ate it slowly.

"Simmy."

"That's fucking it." Finn said angrily. "When I see him, he's going down."

"I can take care of him." Archie shrugged, "I held me own this time; the training's working."

"I'm still gonna punch the shit out o' him." Finn answered, unmoved. "No one punches my best mate!" He paused and furrowed his eyes, "Without his permission…" They all started to chuckle.

"Well you'll have to get in line behind Tom, he wants Simmy's blood too." He started to grin foolishly again.

"You're too happy Archie, stop it! We're going back to school." Chloe said and sighed heavily.

"Oh fuck school, Tom said he's in love with me." Archie grinned, "That's why nothing today is gonna ruin my happy mood." Finn rolled his eyes as the two girls made noises of delight.

"Do you love him?" Finn asked and Archie nodded, "then good!" He grinned and Archie sat down slowly and started to eat some chips.

"I was thinking that we should make it a tradition that we six all go away for the holidays." Archie said, "I been thinking it since Sutherland."

"Sounds like a plan Archie." Rae said happily, Chloe agreeing. Finn pursed his lips but said nothing. The first time they'd gone away on holiday Chloe had kissed him and the second time Izzy had gotten pneumonia. They ate in comfortable silence for a while.

"It's weird not having Chop or Izzy here." Chloe said morosely. "Any word?"

"She's still comatose." Rae said softly, "they put a feeding tube in and oxygen and an IV, and the heart monitor and all that stuff." Rae had been designated as the getter of information on Izzy since all non-family visits had been stopped. She would head down to the hospital and Bradley, Victoria or Chop would give her news to bring back to them. "The doctors are strangely upbeat about it. Which I don't understand."

"What'll we do if she-" Chloe stopped herself, a lump in her throat and looked up at them, catching Archie's eyes. "Now I've gone and ruined your good mood." She said apologetically and he shrugged sympathetically.

"She's not gonna die." Finn said firmly and Rae nodded. Chloe looked away and took in a deep breath. Finn calmed himself and sighed sadly, "I'll miss her laugh." He said softly.

"I think I'll miss the way her eyes always opened up wide when we told her something dirty." Rae said to Chloe and Chloe laughed sadly.

"I'll miss how good a person she is." Archie said sadly.

"I'll miss her dancing. She's the most unco-ordinated seat dancer, but ballet – easy!" Chloe said with a sad smile.

"I'll miss the way she said Chop's name, and the way she kept him in line." Finn said with a grin that they all shared.

"I'll miss how she could always see the good in people." Rae turned her eyes to Archie

"I'll miss how easy it was to make her smile."

"I'll just miss her." Chloe shook her head, tears streaming down her face. Rae put her arms around her and they sat in silence, Finn's hand gently stroking Rae's thigh, Archie looking down at his fingers.

"We gotta stop talking like she already in the ground." Finn said sounding defeated.

"It's just preparing ourselves for the worst outcome." Archie replied softly. They sat in silence, no one eating, everyone lot in their thoughts.

They heard the door open and two girls walked in. Rae recognised one of them as Liam's half-sister, Eli. She lived with her mother, not with Liam and his mother, but she was still close with Liam. Liam really loved Eli; was always banging on about how she'd make something of herself, how she was born right. Rae noticed her red puffy eyes and the way she walked; dejected, and worried if she was alright. There was a lot of misery in Liam's extended family. Eli looked around the chippy, not really seeing anything until her eyes fell upon Rae. She smiled affectionately, a deep sorrow still in her eyes, and walked over slowly, the other girl following.

"Rae!" She said warmly and threw her arms around her. Rae returned the hug; Eli was a lovely kid, just 14 and as kind as they came.

"This is Eli everyone." She told them and introduced the gang to her, she smiled wanly and turned back to Rae.

"So you haven't heard?" it was more a statement than a question.

"Heard what?"

"Liam tried to kill himself, he's in hospital in a coma." Rae gasped in shock and heard Chloe doing the same beside her. And with piercing clarity, a conversation she'd had with Chloe came back to her.

I don't care. I don't care. He's bad news Chloe.

He needs a friend.

Well he'll have to find someone else.

You didn't give up on me.

You're different Chlo. Trust me. Promise me you'll try to stay away from him?

Ok Rae.

"Oh my god." Rae breathed. She could feel Finn's stiff body beside her, hear Chloe starting to cry, see Archie shaking his head slowly. "Can we visit him?"

"Family only at the moment, he's in ICU." Eli said sadly. "But they'll probably let other people in soon they said."

"Can you call me when I can visit? Or with any news at all?" Rae felt tears at the back of her throat, and they made her voice waver.

"Of course Rae." She hugged her again and whispered in her ear, "I hope you two get back together, he was better with you." She turned and went to the counter with her friend. Finn turned his eyes to Rae, and from the look on his face, she could tell that he had heard what Eli had said.

"Oh Liam." He said softly. "You'll be glad to know that you're another nail in my coffin." He sighed and sat back in his chair, feeling a litany of his failings stacking against him, "I feel like I'm Dr Martin Dysart in sodding 'Equus'. Striking at children's heads in the dark, desperately trying to make them… sound and well… trying to fix them…" He took his bottom lip into his mouth and looked at Liam, desperately sad, "I let you down." Kester slowly took Liam's hand, "I should have been watching closer. I shouldn't have let you be discharged. That day you sliced your arm… I should have known then… I just thought you were repeating your previous manic behaviour…" He shook his head. "I'm sorry I let you down." He sat in silence for a long time, the hospital staff leaving him to it; he worked here too.

Some time later the nurse showed in a women. Kester looked up at her; her long hair was tied back in a messy ponytail, she wore sky high stilettos and a pair of black fitted jeans with a fitted 'A Clockwork Orange' shirt. She breathed out sadly when she saw Liam and looked up at Kester.

"Hi I'm here from the school, my name's Elsa, we just wanted to offer our support to Liam's family."

"I'm not family." Kester said softly, "I work here."

"Oh." Elsa looked around. "So there's no family?"

"His mother is not around at the moment." Kester said through tight lips, "his half-sister found him, and her mother limits the amount of time she can spend with Liam." He looked back down at Liam, "she thinks Liam's a bad influence." Elsa sat down and crossed her legs looking sorrowfully at Liam.

"I hardly know him." She admitted sadly, "he got sent to the principals' office a fair bit. And I'm just the vice principal, so I never got that… He hit on me and tried to give me a smoke once." Elsa smiled wanly. Kester smiled fondly. "Other than that, I didn't know him." She reached over and pushed his curls back, "I try to know the kids at my school, and I know most of them by name and not much else. This makes me realise that's not good enough."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because I want to prevent stuff like this. I want to see it coming."

"Sometimes that's not possible."

"Oh god, you're a therapist aren't you?' She looked up at him and he nodded. "You can always tell when you're talking to a therapist. You never get to see them, just the psychoanalysing and the attempts to fix you."

"That's what my ex-wife said." Kester answered grimly. "My girlfriend says it too." Elsa shrugged unrepentantly.

"You can't fix people." Elsa said softly, "they're not things that get broken." Kester furrowed his eyebrows and thought about that.

"But if people are like trees, living things that live and grow… isn't getting the parasites that eat and destroy our leaves, off us, a type of fixing?"

"But we're not trees, we're people. Getting rid of parasites is simply taking care of ourselves." Elsa dismissed his argument, "The concept of fixing implies that there is a 'right' way to be a human being."

"But isn't there?" Kester asked softly.

"No there's not." Elsa shook her head, "as soon as you think in terms of a right way to be a person, you end up with very narrow definitions, especially within your profession. It wasn't that long ago that you thought being gay was a psychological disorder." She added pointedly, she herself was pansexual and was not impressed with psychiatry's history with the queer community.

"You're right." Kester said slowly, "it is a very flawed profession. But its heart is in the right place." Kester said honestly, "and the same can be said for teaching; that you simply teach children to be a little cog in a big machine."

"Oh please." Elsa scoffed, "I'm an arts teacher, 90% of what I do is teaching kids to question all of that." She shook her head and looked back down at Liam. Kester slowly shook his head in defeat, his eyes still on Elsa.

"You are a very singular woman."

"That's probably the best compliment I've had in a while." She smiled softly.

"I'm sure you get plenty." Kester folded his hands in his lap and looked back at Liam.

"Yes but none of them interesting." Kester felt a small sense of satisfaction at that but quickly turned his attention back to Liam.

They sat in silence, neither knowing what to say to Liam, and both of them feeling that failing acutely.

'Mama Kin' by Aerosmith

Rae felt that there was so much happening in her world that she simply couldn't register it anymore. She tried to grab every moment of uncomplicated happiness she could, because generally her life was simply out of control. Right now, she had discovered one of life's simple pleasures; watching Finn do manual labour. She stood at the back door and watched Finn and Karim in the backyard, really she only watched Finn. They were both shirtless and sweating in the warm spring heat, as they worked. Rae sighed with desire as she watched Finn's body moving. Beside her Linda sighed with a similar tone, her eyes on Karim. Karim had been wanting to build a bigger aviary for some time, but it was a two person job. As soon as Finn had heard, he'd offered his help.

"How'd I end up with such a stunner half naked in me backyard?" Linda asked wistfully, happily.

"How'd we end up with two o' them?" Rae agreed and Linda turned her eyes to her daughter.

"Well o' course you would Rae!" Linda answered, "Why would any young man not be interested in you?" Rae pulled a disbelieving face.

"And why would any man not be interested in you?" She replied without looking at her, keeping her eyes on Finn instead. Linda looked at her for a long moment.

"Well that's different pet. Innit?"

"How?" Rae turned to look at her mother.

"You're…" Linda struggled for the right words, "You're brilliant." She said eventually and Rae shook her head and looked away.

"Brilliant don't matter when you're fat." Her eyes fell on Finn, that old familiar fear creeping across her heart. Linda put an arm around Rae's shoulders.

"I think we've proven that wrong you know." Rae felt herself smiling, in spite of herself, but those thought crept in again.

"It don't matter though." Rae said softly, "I still keep questioning it. Like you do." Linda nodded her head sadly in response.

"Well we have to learn not to." Linda sat down at the kitchen table and looked into Aiesha's crib, she was sleeping soundly.

"I know." Rae joined her, "but I keep thinking that if I do that… if I let myself completely trust this relationship is real… that when he leaves." Rae turned to look at Finn as he dug a hole for a supporting strut, "I'll be all surprised. And people will say 'well what did you expect? Look at him and look at you.' " Rae shook her head, "and then I hate myself for thinking like that." She said sadly, "Finn has never given me a reason to doubt him. He's done… everything… he's nearly died… for me." Her eyes looked at the scar on his stomach and she swallowed back her tears, "why do I still doubt it?" Linda reached out and took her hand, "Why can't I stop myself from doubting that this is real?"

"I dunno pet." Linda sympathised, "I'm married to mine… got lovely baby Aiesha." She looked grimly out the door to Karim, "but I doubt it too."

"It's not him I doubt." Rae said softly, "it's me." Rae looked at her mother pleadingly, wanting just one piece of good advice from her, "how do I stop it?"

"I've never figured it out." Linda lowered her eyes.

"I'm gonna ruin everything." Rae said bitterly.

"Me too." Linda looked down at Rae's bitten fingernails and sighed deeply. "But then I remember that he loves me. For whatever reason." Linda squeezed Rae's hand, "Just keep remembering he loves you."

"I try to." Rae smiled wanly.

"So he's told you that he loves you?" Linda watched Rae closely.

"Yeah." Rae smiled slowly, "but even before he said it, he'd told me in so many ways." Rae looked back out at Finn. He and Karim where trying to talk

"You're both very young." Linda tried not to worry, but she knew how boys liked to change their minds.

"I know." Rae answered, "But I don't know if that matters with us."

"It always matters." Linda considered this for a minute, "I think that you should take a step back and just really think about your feelings for Finn, and what you want from life and-"

"Mum, I love Finn. I don't have a life without him being in it." Linda pursed her lips in thought.

"It's very dangerous to pin your whole life on another human being." Linda's mouth pulled into a tight determined line.

"Not with him, it's not." Rae answered defiantly. "When I think he'd leave me, it's not cos of anything he's done to make me think that, it's cos I think I don't deserve him." Rae continued, "He'd die for me. He's already handed his entire life over to me." Rae said feeling oddly powerful. "I'm his everything." She turned her face back toward Finn, as if really understanding him for the first time; "He's at my mercy mum. Not the other way around." She felt like she had discovered some great secret as she watched him sharing a smoke with Karim, they were both laughing at something, "sometimes I forget that, or I can't believe it's true. But it doesn't change that it's the truth. That's the way it is." Rae watched him, loving every part of him fiercely, and thinking about how hard she was gonna fuck him tonight at his house in their nice double bed.

"I still think it might be useful for you to spend some more time with other people, or focusing on your future or just being young."

"You got nothing to worry about mum." Rae leaned forward to kiss her mum's cheek. The diamond fell forward and hung from her neck, catching Linda's eye. "I'm gonna ask them if they want a drink." Rae said as she went to the door. Linda watched her go out to them, knowing that she did have a lot to worry about; she wasn't a fool. She knew that a necklace like that meant that Finn already felt ownership over her girl, even thought they were so young. Finn was a good lad, there was no denying it. But he was still just a lad. Linda worried that Rae was getting in too deep, too fast and too young.

Linda followed Rae outside.

"Would you gents like some drinks?" Rae was asking. Karim wanted some lemonade and Finn asked for a beer. Rae went inside while Linda stayed outside.

"I've so missed having Rae at home." Linda let her eyes rest on Finn as he wiped some sweat from his face. He nodded, not sure what to say and Karim agreed with a big grin. "I think we'll be seeing Rae at home more don't you Finn? So she can spend more time with her family, and perhaps you can spend more time with yours?" Linda said pointedly and Finn was at a loss; unsure how to reply.

"Finn is family." Karim said and slapped Finn on the back. Linda narrowed her eyes slightly. It wasn't that she didn't like Finn, or that she didn't think he loved Rae, it was that she was protecting Rae from making such a huge commitment so young.

"Don't you want to spend more time with your parents Finn?"

"It's just me dad." Finn answered her without thinking.

"Even more reason to spend some time with him." Linda answered, "He must get very lonely." Linda fussed, "And I'm sure that when Rae's over there you don't append much time with him!"

"Um…." Finn tried to think of a response.

"So it's decided!" Linda said happily, "you and Rae can spend a little less time together and a little more time with your family."

"But Saul is still-"

"Oh you do talk more random that duck shite Finn." Linda said, "Don't be ridiculous, where could she be more safe than in that home?" Linda answered, "We've improved all the locks, and we won't leave her alone in the house. She'll be fine. I think you deserve some time off!"

"I don't actually want time off." Finn started to worry that this conversation was getting away from him.

"Aren't you sweet?" Linda answered pleasantly, "but I think at least one night a week can be spent apart, what do you think?" Linda made a small questioning noise, "let's start there, and work up ok?"

"I don't really think so…" Finn was saying as Rae came out with the drinks. He put his arm around Rae's waist almost as if to hide behind her. Rae recognised the distress in Finn and turned to her mum, wondering what she'd done know.

"What's going on?" Rae asked.

"Oh we've just decided that you're going to spend Sunday nights apart, and work our ways up until you're not having sleep overs on school nights." Linda said happily, "Isn't that a good idea."

"No." Rae answered angrily.

"I think focusing on your future and your schoolwork is an excellent idea. I won't stop Friday and Saturday night sleep overs. Just school nights. That's being more reasonable." Linda declared, "And if you're not careful," she warned as Rae started to open her mouth to protest, "I'll stop him coming over on all weeknights right now, instead of doing it gradually." Rae snapped her mouth shut, her eyes wide with anger. "I'll start some lunch." Linda said in a happy sing song voice and went inside.

"Seriously, we need to stop whatever drugs they've got her on." She turned to Karim, "can you talk to her?" Karim sighed slowly.

"I try." He said uneasily, "but…" He shook his head.

"I know she's impossible." Rae agreed.

"She is fragile." Karim countered gently. Rae sighed with defeat. She turned to look at Finn, who still looked like he'd been bitten by a poisonous snake and didn't know what to do with himself.

"Karim, I can't sleep in that room by myself." Rae almost panicked, Karim saw the way her hand went up to the scars on her neck unconsciously. The other one hugging her stomach.

"If we have to, you can move in with me." Finn said softly, his eyes falling to the necklace. Rae turned to look at him.

"But Aiesha…?"

"We'll visit." He answered as if that were obvious, "I love that little sprat."

"I dunno." Rae said anxiously.

"It's alright." Finn shook his head, "Too much, too soon." He smiled bracingly. "I'll just start sneaking in again." He said softly, hiding just how much her reluctance had hurt him.

"I don't like even being in that room by myself." Rae started to cry and Finn took her hands and put them on his chest soothingly. Karim looked in through the kitchen window at Linda as she happily prepared lunch.

"Maybe we could tell your mum that?"

"What's the point?" Finn put his arms around her and wished he had handled the situation with Linda better.

"You two go." Karim said softly, "we finish… later." He motioned to the aviary and Finn nodded. He led her to their car and opened the door for her. Rae got in feeling anxious and angry. Why was her mother doing this know? Finn had been allowed to stay over at her house for months, it was infuriating that her mother would try to curtail that now.

'Baby Did a Bad Bad Thing' by Chris Isaak

"D'you just wanna come hang out at my place for a couple o' days?" Rae nodded in response and he backed the car out of the drive, thankful that she already had a large bag of clothes at his place.

They drove in silence, Finn considering what it meant that Rae had been reluctant to move in. Perhaps he'd best hold off on telling her how serious he really was?

"I'm sorry about me mum." She finally spoke as he opened the door to his room.

"Don't worry about it." He looked over at the huge bag of clothes, a dress was half sticking out of it. He looked around his room and went over to his huge set of drawers and opened the top drawer looking in at all the junk he was storing in there. She came up beside him and looked in the drawer as he grabbed his bin and started to throw most of it out.

"What is this stuff?" She picked up a triangular piece of plastic with rounded edges.

"That's a pick for me guitar."

"I know that." Rae answered and gave him a dirty look, "I like the colour."

"Well that stays then." He took it from her hand and put it on his shelf.

"What's the rest of it?"

"Well here we have an old matchbox car." He tossed it in the bin and Rae tried to stop him but he shook his head, "and this is the penthouse I knew I had around here somewhere." Rae had just a glimpse of a very thin, platinum blonde girl of perfection with huge round breasts on the cover before it was in the bin, Finn not having even looked at it. "And this is an old science assignment." He held up an obviously, but beautifully handmade model of a spider, before it too was in the bin. "This is basically me junk drawer." He explained as he continued the brutal culling.

"I don't have enough drawers to have a junk drawer." Rae shook her head.

"Well the one underneath it is a porno drawer." Rae opened her mouth in shock.

"You've got more?"

"Aye." He said with a stoic look, "they're all going in the bin too." Rae tried to open the drawer to see in, but the top drawer blocked her view. Finn rolled his eyes and pushed the top drawer in a bit. There was another collection Juggs magazine and several black VHS videos with no cases.

"Why'd do you keep some under the bed when you got room here?"

"I kept me favourite ones under the bed." He shrugged. "Well actually." He took a deep breath, "These ones in here were me favourite too, but I kinda rotated them, you know?" He shook his head and tried to not be too embarrassed.

"So you wouldn't get bored?" She asked with a strange look, but Finn understood her thought process.

"I'm not gonna get bored of you." He said firmly, "wanking's a whole different thing to getting to do the real thing Rae." She decided to let it go and looked back in the drawer. "Especially with you."

"I wanna see these pornos." Rae said curiously.

"No you don't." Finn blushed and started to put them in the bin. And then realised not everything would fit. "I'm just gonna get a rubbish bag." He left the room and Rae looked at the videos; there were ten. She picked up two at random, and put them in her bag, hoping he wouldn't notice. She picked up a Juggs and noticed that this was a particularly battered edition, she flicked through and was again pleased to see the wide variety of body types; everything from stick thin to truly huge. She looked down at a painfully skinny redhead with tiny breasts and wondered if Finn had masturbated to her; he had told her that he liked all types, therefore it stood to reason that that included this type. She turned the page to see an image of a woman that weighed easily twice what Rae did. She was presented erotically, with no hint at there being a punchline. This fat beauty was not a joke, she was to be revered, lusted after… masturbated to, alongside images of skinnier girls. Rae couldn't wrap her head around the notion. The phone rang and she heard Finn pick it up downstairs. She stared at the fat woman for a long time, thoughts of what Janice, Elsa, and Finn himself had said to her rolling around in her mind. But she couldn't quite believe it all… She couldn't think of herself as sexy; not really. Rae looked back at the huge woman, Finn said he liked all types, but she just couldn't imagine him masturbating to this girl. She flicked forward and noticed a few pages sticking together. She pulled a face halfway between ginning and grimacing with grossness; she understood that if the pages were sticking together, he'd looked at them quite a bit. He'd probably masturbated to them a lot and gotten semen on them. She opened up to the page before them and was struck by a girl that looked similar to Stacey Stringfellow in the body, but the face was closer to Izzy, her hair was brown. Rae looked at her perfect body for a long time, wondering if she really wanted to see what was on the pages that were stuck together. There was a quick write up next to the girl about appreciating brunettes and Rae shook her head slowly as she gently started to open the stuck together pages. The first image was of the same slender brunette girl with short hair, bent over and looking over her shoulder at the camera, the main focus being her arse. Rae looked at her small thighs that didn't touch and felt painfully self-conscious. She flicked her eyes to the opposite page and froze. The model on this page stood with her pelvis cocked sexually, wearing nothing but stilettos and bright red lipstick. Rae's eyes travelled up her lovely legs, legs that touched at the top, quite a bit. She took in her round stomach, this girl's body was almost the same as Rae's, possibly just a little bigger, she saw the way the long brown hair tumbled down her pale generous breasts. But it was the face that did it. Those large brown expressive eyes and a seductive grin on full lips. She didn't look like Rae exactly, but there was enough similarity for Rae to take pause. Her fingers ran down the side of the page and she felt the dried semen there. He'd masturbated to one of these images. Probably both of them. And one of them bared a passing resemblance to her.

"Holy shit." She turned the page and the thin and plump girls were embracing each other, their breasts pressed against each other, the thin one looking longingly at the larger girl, the larger girl looking at the camera, inviting the viewer in. On the opposite page, the larger girl wore a nirvana shirt that was too tight and didn't cover the bottom of her breasts, she had her hands in her hair and was knelt on a bed, her full bush on display, those ruby red lips and that same smile. Rae felt the pages; he'd masturbated to this too. She carefully opened the next page to see a picture of the thin brunette, her legs splayed as she sat looking at the camera with a cocky smirk. On the opposing page the thinner brunette was licking the nipple of the larger brunette. Rae was again struck by the passing resemblance she bore to this naked girl; right down to the same shaped body. But here she was, presented as sexual and desirable; something Rae had never really seen before. She opened the next page; the centrefold. The picture was taken from above and showed the slender brunette going down on the larger girl, the larger girl had a look of orgasmic pleasure on her face while she looked right at the camera, almost right at you. It was so erotic. The slender girl's arse was shown to perfection, but her face was buried in pussy; it was the larger girl that was the focus in this picture, and Rae found the way her legs were splayed, the shape of her body, the way her hair tumbled over her breasts, to be strangely arousing. And her face was so perfect in that moment of bliss, even though Rae knew she must be acting. Rae suddenly had the urge for Finn to photograph her during sex, so she could see if she had that look in her eye when she came. Rae was still looking at the picture when Finn came in, he looked over her shoulder to see what she'd found and blushed. He looked at her face closely, watching the way her eyes drank in the photo.

"You see it huh?" He asked, nervous as to how she'd react.

"She looks a little like me." Rae said softly.

"Aye." Finn nodded. "There's quite a few girls in Juggs that do look a little like you… for some it's their face… others it's the way their arse curves or their knockers… stuff like that." He shrugged, "none of them are you though." He put his hand firmly on her arse and felt a deep appreciation at being allowed to do that.

"You masturbated to her?" Rae asked softly, still confused that he really had like all types of bodies.

"Aye." He answered seriously, his hand dropping from her arse, "does it bother you?"

"And other girls… thinner?" She watched him nod slowly, "and bigger?" Another nod. She looked back at her almost doppelganger. She was so sexy. Is this what Finn saw when he looked at her? It was so confusing. It challenged every belief she still held about herself, in a strangely intimate way. Finn was starting to worry, unable to read her expression.

"I told you always liked all types o' girls." Finn replied, "I weren't lying." He tried to explain, worried by the way she stared at the photo, "I know that girls are more than just bodies, so you know, you gotta like 'em for more than that… and I do like you for more than that… I mean… I love you – that's a totally different thing." He tried to explain to her and hated the way he was babbling, "But if you're wanking, all you're looking at is their bodies." He felt himself blushing again and looked away, "It's not like you wank to a personality." He mumbled guiltily, "I just always liked lots o' different body types." He shrugged. "I'm sorry."

"You actually masturbated to a girl that looks a little like me…?" Rae opened the next stuck together page, it was the larger women; her big round arse on display as she bent, holding her ankles, looking through her legs with a grin. "I didn't know boys wanked to bigger girls." She muttered.

"I have always liked big girls." He replied honestly, "and I've always liked small girls too." He added and looked at Rae, "When it came to wanking, I liked it all." He sighed, hoping she'd understand, "But what that means, is that when I fell in love with you Rae, it was neither because of, nor in spite of, your body. I know you're worried it were in spite o' your body. But it weren't…" He touched her face gently, "I fell in love with all of you. Every last bit." He saw the look on her face and tried to explain, "I didn't fall in love with your body and then have to deal with a shitty personality. And I didn't fall in love with your personality and then think you had a shitty body." He grinned, "I fell in love with all of you, all at the same time; it's all perfect." He motioned at her, "All of this you got going on, absolutely perfect."

"You really weren't disappointed by my body?" He could tell that slowly, she was believing him more and more. "Not even a little bit?" He looked her up and down.

"I felt quite chuffed about your body, when I finally got to see it; it's quite a bonus really." She grinned and looked away.

"It's so hard to believe that you've always liked bodies like mine." She looked back down at the magazine for confirmation.

"All bodies are good bodies Rae." He said as he tried to get her to look at him, she reluctantly did, "Yours just happens to be the best." He looked back down at the picture, "She don't look exactly like you, but when I started to crush on you… it did dawn on me that she looked a little like you." He grinned, "And I must admit, I wondered if you looked like her under your clothes." He looked her up and down again, "It made me crazy." He closed his eyes thinking about those days before he had seen her naked, "I just so desperately wanted to see you naked." He opened his eyes, "When I finally did, you were beyond anything I could o' imagined. Your body is so sexy." He looked down at the magazine, "none o' this stuff even comes close to comparing." He looked her in the eye, "Your body is perfect Rae," he said honestly, "I know you don't believe me. But I'll go to me fucking grave saying it. Your body," he said slowly, emphasising each word, "is perfect."

"So you looked at her when we was going out but before you saw me…?" Rae didn't know how that idea made her feel.

"No." Finn said, "I actually stopped looking at them a few days after I met you. Just didn't have the urge to wank." He shrugged. "I thought it were a little weird at the time, but now I know why." He touched her face again, "I had a quite a few wet dreams about you, and after the sexy party…" He looked away, deeply embarrassed, "I may have started to fantasise about you when I… started masturbating again." He looked back at her grinning, "The things I've done to you in my head Rae Earl…" He took the magazine out of her hands and pulled her into his arms, "I'm gonna need a lifetime to get through 'em all." They kissed, Rae feeling so sexy and desirable. She was starting to feel that more and more, and it seemed strange that finding more of his porn collection would add to that rather than subtract from it, but it did. She felt sexually powerful. There were so many clues, and pieces of evidence that slowly eroded her fear that this wasn't real, that he'd suddenly realise what she was. He pulled back from the kiss grinning shyly.

"Sorry I got so much porn."

"S'alright." She said begrudgingly, "D'you think Janice would want these?" Rae asked and he shrugged as he started to put the magazines in the plastic bag.

"I don't care." He answered a little brusquely, "It's embarrassing how many of these I've got." He shook his head, "This isn't even me last stash." His eyes strayed over to his other big set of drawers and Rae laughed.

"Where d'you get 'em all?"

"D'you know how many brothers Chop's got?" Finn shook his head. "I been collecting them since I were about 12." He shook his head.

"Twelve?" She asked with a shocked voice, "you wonton hussy."

"Aye." He laughed, "Imagine what I'm gonna do to you now I got me hands on you."

"I look forward to it." She grinned and picked up a magazine.

"You can't get rid of all of them." Rae looked down and flicked through it.

"Yeah I can." He looked around his room, his focus returning, "I really need to clean out all me drawers and stuff." He emptied out the second drawer in minutes and was back onto the top drawer. "I haven't gone through these in years." Rae picked up a Barbie head. Finn shrugged and shook his head to indicate he had no idea where it had come from. She picked up a pair of children's glasses and looked at Finn quizzically.

"Spare pair of Archie's glasses." He grinned, "When we was kids he'd always break 'em or lose 'em."

"Go' you two were cute when you were young'uns."

"Pretty cute." Finn agreed. Rae sat on the bed and watched him as he worked; he seemed too focused to engage him in real conversation. When he'd finished cleaning out the two drawers he went to his wardrobe and pushed his clothes to one side, taking a few things off the hangers and dumping them into the bottom of the wardrobe.

"Are we cleaning up your room now?" Rae asked solemnly, "Cos I'd rather get in bed… if you know what I mean." He turned to her and grinned.

"In good time Miss Earl." He answered cheekily and went over and picked up her bag, putting it on the bed beside her.

"Unpack." It was one small word. But it was filled with so much meaning. She looked at the space he'd cleared in his wardrobe, and the two drawers and felt tears coming on that she didn't understand. He watched her closely, gauging her response, testing the waters carefully. Rae was strangely elated by this small moment between them, this one word of his. She was going to fill those drawers with her clothes quite happily; Finn would end up regretting giving her space in his wardrobe when she took it over with her clothes. But Rae couldn't unpack right now; she had taken two of Finn's videos and hidden them in her bag with the intention of making him watch them with her in the future. She decided to deflect and got up, putting her arms around his neck, kissing him passionately.

"I wanna fuck." She grinned, "Then we can fill up my drawers later, ok?" He narrowed his eyes, not sure what this meant, but more than willing to do as she wished. He grabbed her bag and put it on the floor and as he turned around she pushed him down onto the bed, whispering in is ear.

"You always bang on about what you're gonna do to me… do you ever stop to imagine what I'm gonna do to you?"

"I do." He answered with a seductive groan, "all the time." She kissed him deeply and Finn's concerns quickly slipped from his mind as he focused on Rae's luscious lips and her perfect body. She straddled him and enjoyed the way his hands invariably found their way under her shirt.

Rae's eyes strayed to Finn's Polaroid camera on his shelves. He'd already taken a few photographs of the two of them together; they both had one in their wallets. But she was tempted to take some more photos. Ones they couldn't carry around with them.

"How much film you got?" She asked nodded at the Polaroid.

"Um…" Fin looked at her confused, "not that many in the machine, but there's some spare film in me third drawer." Re slowly got off him and he watched her, biting his bottom lip in frustration, his hands following her as she went, wanting to make her stay. She went to his drawers and opened the third one.

"You got plenty of spares." She grinned and turned to him, her hand reaching over to the camera. She brought some spare film with her as she walked back to him, looking at the camera. Finn started to grin expectantly; he thought he might know what she was planning. She straddled him and his hands went straight to her hips. She held the camera up, pointed at him and he grinned, waiting for her to take a photo. She ground her hips into his slightly and he groaned appreciatively, his hands gripping her tighter.

"I'm going to take some photos of you." She said softly, "Now I want you to imagine the sort of things you used to think about when you masturbated thinking about me." She said softly, "think about how you ached to touch me." She watched desire flood his eyes. "Think about how you imagined your cock sliding into my cunt." She snapped a photo of him with a truly lusty look on his face and put the photo on the bedside table. "Now I want you to think about what you look like fucking me." Finn grinned up at her, his hands travelling to her breasts and gently cupping them. She was still particular about her breasts being squeezed, so he didn't do it, especially not her left one. But her hand dropped to his hand on her left breast and squeezed herself through his hand. He grinned and gently squeezed both of her tits harder and she moaned happily.

"Have you got a clear image of the way you look fucking me?" He nodded. "Now imagine that's Phil." A look of rage came over his face and she snapped a photo, again putting it on the bedside table as he looked at her with confusion and irritation.

"The fuck Rae?" He asked almost calmly.

"You're kinda sexy when you're angry." She shrugged, "I wanted a photo of it." He picked his back teeth with is tongue and looked at her in disbelief, shaking his head at the nerve of her.

"Right, so that's the game we're playing, is it?" He readied himself for what she was going to do to him.

"No." She grinned. "I am gonna take pictures of you." She took another of him as he looked at her with a mixture of desire, amusement and confusion. "And I'll even let you take some of me."

"Oh yeah?" He asked, his interest peaked. "What kind of photos?"

"Of you or of me?" She teased.

"Of you." His eyes dropped to her mouth.

"You can take…" Rae considered what to say, "Ten photos of me." She said softly.

"Ten." He repeated.

"And they can be of whatever you want." She put her finger over his mouth when he went to speak, "Except for this one rule," she said softly, "None of them can be photos we could show our parents." A dirty grin crept over his face and he nodded slowly.

"Ten?" He shook his head, "Forty." He countered. Rae laughed and looked up at the ceiling.

"What do I get in return?" She asked.

"Forty o' me." He said as if it were obvious.

"Oh Finn…" She grinned, "You're not understanding how this works." She ground her hips again and he closed his eyes, keeping the desire down while they haggled, "I'm going to take as many photos of you as I want. And you'll take ten o' me."

"Well that's not fair." His brows creased in frustration, but he still smiled in admiration of her.

"I know." She nodded and took a photo of his frustrated face. She took the picture out of the front of the camera as it came out and put it on the bedside table with the others. "So unless you've got something to offer in return…"

"I'll go down. Forty photos."

"You'll be going down anyway. Like you could stop yourself." She laughed and he knew she was right. "Try something else." He bit his bottom lip and dug his fingers into her hips harder as his mind raced for an answer to get what he wanted.

"I'll give you a real hard spanking." He breathed, hoping this was the thing that would work. He saw the look on her face change and felt his insides tremble with anticipation.

"Oooh." Her voice was desirous and filled with admiration with the hand he'd played. She narrowed her eyes at him.

"Forty photos." He continued.

"Fifteen." She conceded. Finn chuckled. He had her now.

"You're a dirty bitch." He said in a guttural tone and she nodded her head, "You're not gonna risk not getting a hard spanking by insulting me with an offer like that." She bit her bottom lip and groaned in appreciation.

"Twenty. Final offer." She looked at the triumph on his face and added, "But it has to be good."

"How about I give you a nice hard smack on that arse for every photo I get to take of you?"

"Alright." She almost whimpered. She didn't know why, but she so loved spanking, and he did it so rarely. She could already feel her cunt aching for the way his hand hitting her bare arse made her insides tingle. "But one of the photos has to be of how red you made me arse." She added.

"Then you're gonna have to add another photo." He said immutably.

"Twenty one." She allowed.

"Twenty one." He whispered. Then looked her up and down. "Give me some more photos and I can be real rough like you like it." He tried to bargain some more and Rae felt her insides tremble. Since the thing with Saul their experimentation had slowed right down. The most kinky they'd gotten had been in the ocean, when there had been the possibility of people hearing her cum. He'd been gentle with her, carefully giving her space and time. She knew that she still wasn't over what had happened with Saul, sometimes when she was alone in her room for more than a few moments her mind would flashback to the moment with terrifying clarity. But when she was with Finn everything was different, she was safe. She wanted their sex life to continue as it had been before; filled with exploration, and they'd only just started to explore the rougher side of sex in earnest. She bit her bottom lip.

"Will you pull my hair?" She asked, unsure if she wanted him to.

"Do you want me to?" Rae hesitated to reply. Saul had pulled her hair hard and it had hurt in a way that was not in any way sexy; it had actually been terrifying. When Finn had done it, it had been beautifully sexual and wonderfully perverse and it had turned her on. She wanted to capture that again so she slowly nodded her head. He caught the hint of unsureness and made a mental note to follow her lead on that but gave her a dirty grin.

"Do it." She said throatily and his hand reached up to her head and pulled her hair gently. She closed her eyes, a strange kind of tentative look on her face. But Rae felt nothing but a warm glow in her stomach. It was Finn. It was ok because it was Finn.

"Harder." She sighed lustily and he obliged watching her melt into an almost submissive state.

"I'm done haggling Rae. Forty photos or nothing." He said firmly and she groaned. He tugged her hair harder pulling her head down towards his. "Forty." She grinned lustily.

"Thirty." She gasped as he pulled a little harder. She could see his eyes carefully gauging her responses. "Thirty!" She repeated.

"Don't think I'm messing with you girl." He pulled her hair much harder and she gasped.

"Thirty-five!" She breathed, her eyes alight.

"Is that the way it's gonna be?"

"Yes." She breathed slowly. Finn pulled her off him and pushed her down under him, holding her wrists above her head with one hand. The other ran down her body and into her underpants. He slipped a finger inside of her and fingered her for long enough to start her groaning. And then he stopped.

"Forty." He said, "Or nothing." He got up and went to the other side of the room, leaning on his table, folding his arms and looking at her. She laid on the bed watching him.

"Thirty five." She shot at him. Finn knew he only had about 100 shots of film, so he knew there was an upward limit on what he could demand, and he wanted her to take a lot of photos too.

"Forty five, and you'll beg me to come back to bed." Finn countered. But Rae was having none of it. She lifted her pelvis and slid her pants off slowly, revelling in the way Finn's eyes watched her hungrily. She spread her legs widely and started to masturbate. Finn's jaw dropped at how confident she was getting, how stubborn she was.

"Twenty five." She groaned, "And you'll beg to be allowed to touch me." Finn so desperately wanted to take a photo of her right now. His hands twitched and he looked at the Polaroid camera. He'd never even touched her when she was masturbating, now he had the chance to touch her and to photograph her. He bit the inside of his mouth, trying to make himself hold out, but she groaned throatily.

"Alright!" He caved in and she laughed triumphantly.

"Beg." She ordered as she kept masturbating, her eyes on his.

"Please let me touch you." He asked lustily. "Please…?" She nodded slowly and he approached the bed, his hands reaching out and touching her legs. She kept one hand on her cunt, with the other she took a photo of him as he watched her, he was biting his bottom lip, his eyes filled with desire and awe. He looked up at her face and reached for the camera. He knelt at her feet and took a photo, feeling a deep sense of satisfaction.

"Only twenty four left." She grinned as she stopped masturbating and reached her arms out for him.

Now that he had the picture he put the camera down and held back, his eyes on her, while he considered his options.

"Forty." He said again, "or nothing." He jumped up and went back to the other side of the room, pleased with the way her jaw dropped.

"You dirty cheat!" She glared at him as he started to slowly undress. She took her own top off and unhooked her bra and knelt on the bed. She raised her hands up and tousled her hair like the woman in Juggs magazine that looked a little like her; the similarity was not lost on Finn and he watched her hungrily as she cocked her pelvis forward, imitating the photo almost perfectly, she just needed a Nirvana shirt. He bit his bottom lip and took his pants off, never taking his eyes off her.

"Be thankful I didn't say fifty and take the offer." He warned. "And I owe you a smack girl." She grinned and bit her bottom lip. Rae thought she might have a way to break this power struggle and, taking the camera, she stood up and waked to the end of the bed, she turned away from him, flicking her hair and bent over seductively, presenting him with her arse.

"Thirty. If you want the camera…" She stood there, bent over, her hands on the footrest, her back arched lavishly. She felt herself standing on her tiptoes to try and push her arse even more up. She heard him sigh with desire. And without warning felt a hard slap crash down on her arse. She gasped loudly, her whole body tingling with delight.

"Fifty and you give me the camera now. Or you don't get any more spanking." She looked over her shoulder at him, her body aching for him, but determined not to give in.

"Thirty and I give you the camera." She held it out to him but he shook his head. She turned and gave him such a devious grin that he knew she had something planned. She sunk to her knees and he groaned before she'd even touched him. She slid her mouth over his cock, holding the camera out to the side she took a photo and Finn groaned loudly. He put a hand on the back of her head and she pulled back, a long trail of saliva between her mouth and the head of his cock made him almost beg for her to suck him again. She gave him a sinuous smile and held up the camera to him.

"My offer still stands. Take it before I make it twenty photos." She licked the head of his cock and he slowly shook his head.

"Fifty. And I fuck your throat like it's your cunt, and you'll thank me for it." She looked up at him, shocked at what he'd said but deeply turned on. He had been gambling when he said that, worrying that he'd pushed her like for rough sex too far. But it looked like it had paid off. He watched her hand slip between her thighs, gently rubbing herself. He made himself stand his ground. She groaned, not sure why she was so turned on by what he'd said. Not sure if she really wanted him to do that to her. And understanding that he had gambled to try and win this haggle and knowing he was already winning; ten had been her starting number, now she was considering pushing up to forty for something she wasn't sure she'd like, but that she just had to try.

"Thirty photos, and I tie you up and make you beg and scream for me." Finn smiled. He did like it when she was in charge; when she made it hurt a little. But he wanted at least forty photos. He wouldn't back down on this.

"Fifty, and I tie you up girl." He said commandingly. She stopped herself from whimpering at the thought instead took his cock into her throat as deep as she could and he groaned his hand going to the back of her head again. She put her hands over his hand and made him push her harder onto his cock, she heard him make a throaty sort of moan she hadn't heard before. He had been pretty rough during blow jobs before, but never as rough as he had just implied, and she could tell that part of him wanted to try it too. He thrust into her mouth slowly, his hand on the back of her head holding her in place. She put her hands on his hips and sped him up, testing how hard and fast she could take it, her eyes were already watering and her gag reflex was threatening to kick in. He put his other hand on the back of her head, his fingers curling through her hair and started to fuck a little harder, that throaty groan escaping his mouth again, his stomach shivering with desire.

And she stopped him, pulling of his cock, saliva once again pulling between her mouth and the tip. She liked it. Put she put on a cool demeanour, wanting to win this. She wouldn't go higher than forty photos, even though he was demanding fifty.

"Thirty five, and I'll let you do whatever you want to me." A strange light came into his eyes. And she worried that she'd gone too far even for her own sense of adventure. She had a feeling that Finn knew a lot more about sex and had a lot wilder fantasies than her.

"Whatever I want?" He took in an appreciative breath. "You sure about that?"

"I get my spanking?" She asked and he nodded, "it'll be pretty rough?"

"Looks like it." He answered with a predatory look in his eye. "But I'll stop if you tell me to." He added firmly.

"And you want to be rough… you're not just doing it cos I started this?"

"Sometimes Rae, I do wanna do things to you that aren't entirely acceptable in polite society." He grinned with that sadism she'd seen reserved only for Phillip in the past. Rae felt her cunt tingling.

"You gonna hurt me a little bit?" She had no idea that she'd be so turned on by the idea that he might hurt her. "Maybe a lot?" She added with a grin.

"Won't be nothing you can't handle." The predator was making his presence known, and for Finn, the fact that she seemed to enjoy this part of him was incredibly enticing. Finn enjoyed that sometimes she deliberately provoked this part of him. He enjoyed that most of the time they fucked or made love. But sometimes she stirred the hornet's nest…

"Alright." She said softly.

"I'll drop to forty photos." He took her hair in his hand and pulled it hard, putting her face to his cock, her mouth opening in anticipation, "and I'll give you what you want."

"Forty photos." She agreed and he plunged his cock into her mouth roughly. Rae gagged loudly and he groaned as he shoved his cock deeper into her throat and fucked her mouth harder than he ever had before. She held the camera up to him, her eyes watering profusely, her lungs desperate for air. He took a photo; his cock buried deep in her throat, his hand roughly pulling her hair. He let her grab some air and then pushed the entire length of his cock into her throat.

"But let's be honest Rae." He whispered with that sadistic look in his eyes; she realised that whatever he was about to say, it meant that he'd truly won this haggle. "Who's gonna be keeping count?" He took another photo and handed the camera back to her. She held the camera out and took several shots as he fucked her mouth hard. The camera ran out of film and he stopped, leaving her gasping for air and took the camera to put more film in it. Finn laid on the bed.

"Come here." He motioned for her to come to him and then motioned to his cock. He wasn't done with her mouth. "Suck me." Rae knelt between his thighs and licked the length of his cock seductively, her eyes never leaving his. He took several photos of her while she sucked his cock. "Now what am I gonna do with you?" He grinned. "Anything I want…" Rae felt her stomach clench in anticipation. "Bend over the bed again." Rae stood up and bent over the bed. "Put your hands on the bed, and don't take them off without my permission." She put her hands on the mattress feeling her insides churning with excitement as Finn got up. "So that's forty innit?" He asked and Rae slowly nodded her head terrified that it was too much for her to take. His hand slapped her arse hard and she groaned in pleasure.

"You can go harder than that." She admonished.

"Oh I'm going to." He answered dangerously, "This is just the warm up." Rae gasped loudly as his hand crashed down again, "I wouldn't wanna disappoint my girl." The next smack was discernibly harder and Rae groaned loudly. By the time he'd counted out twenty hard hits on her arse, he was putting in quite a lot of force, the last few making him grunt and she had buried her face in the bed and was groaning loudly. It was exquisitely painful and pleasurable at the same time. And she was so desperate for him to fuck her. He stopped at twenty, panting from the effort, but pleased with the result; her arse was beautifully red. He took a photo and shook it slowly watching her heaving with desire. He threw the photo to her and she looked at the redness of her arse and groaned.

"You want me to fuck you don't you?" He asked cockily.

"Please." She could barely breathe the word.

"I'm not gonna fuck you." She whimpered and he chuckled, enjoying this power. He ran his fingers down her arse crack, stopping at her arsehole and noticed the way her breath stopped. "Anything I want…" He watched as her face snapped around to his, her eyes wide and scared and he took a photo of her. He laughed and she hit him again.

"Why d'you tease me like that?"

"Why d'you make it so fun to tease you like that?" He chortled happily, "Consider it payback for Phil." And she shook her head at him, but he let his fingers easily slide down to her wet pussy and she was aching for him to fuck her hard. "You're so fucking wet." He groaned happily and slid two fingers inside of her, he took a photo of his fingers deep inside of her. Rae kept her hands on the bed and turned her face forward again, biting her bottom lip as she felt his fingers moving in and out of her. She wanted his cock, but this was a good start. But he stopped and laid down on the bed. She kept her hands on the bed and watched him as he settled himself.

"Now come sit on face girl." Rae blushed and kept her hands on the bed. "I want your cunt on my face now." He repeated as he watched her not moving she looked down at her hands and back up at him. She saw by the look in his eyes that he knew he was putting her in a no win situation. "Don't make me tell you a third time." Rae bit her bottom lip hard, deciding what to do. She took her hands of the bed and immediately he had grabbed her hair and yanked her head down to his cock, she opened her mouth and let him bury his cock deep in her throat. He fucked her throat hard, thrusting up from the bed and holding her face still as she leaned over the bed. She gagged and her eyes watered furiously, but he kept going until her lungs felt like they'd burst. Then he let her breathe.

"I told you not to take your hands off the bed." He said with a small sadistic smile. She quickly crawled up his body and knelt on either side of his head.

"You also told me not to make you tell me three times." She said as she lowered her cunt onto his face. He handed her up the camera and happily lapped at her sopping pussy. She gasped in pleasure, the camera forgotten momentarily, as she rolled her head back. But then she remembered and she took a photo of herself, the camera held high above her head, angling down her body, her body tense with impending orgasm. She looked at the first photo to make sure the angle was good. She could see her face, her eyes alight with sex and saw a fierce beauty in herself as she looked down her body, her large breasts round and perfect. And there, between her thighs was the top of Finn's head popping out. She took some close ups of the action, of his tongue lapping at her and then as orgasm came closer she raised the camera up again, barely noticing as her other hand rose and stated to gently squeeze her left breast, Finn's fingers digging into her arse perfectly. She groaned loudly as the orgasm rocked her body and looked straight at the camera taking dozens of photos of herself coming. And then his hand was reefing her hair again and pulling her off him. She was till groaning from her orgasm, her whole body tingling. He turned her over and roughly lifted her hips up.

"Arse up head down." He ordered and Rae instantly obeyed. He put a hand on the back of her head. "Your face stays buried in this bed." He said calmly, authoritatively, "Cos now I'm really gonna make you scream. And I don't want the neighbours to call the police." Rae turned her face into the mattress just as his hand slammed down onto her arse again, as hard as the hardest he'd gone last time. She cried out in pleasure and pain. But before she'd had chance to register the last hit there was another, and then another. He did ten like this and she was stunned by the brutal force of them.

"Turn your head so I can see your face." He ordered and she did. "Alright?" He asked, panting from the force of his blows.

"Yes." She whispered lustily. He grinned happily at how turned on she was by this.

"You got a choice for your last ten." He told her, "another ten like that." He said, "Maybe harder." He saw her eyes register that he actually could go harder and felt a thrill go up his spine, "or ten not quite as hard while I'm fucking you."

"Both." She answered firmly and with no hesitation.

"You're not gonna be able to sit tomorrow girl." He warned, worry creeping into his mind.

"Both." She insisted immutably. "Both Finn." She repeated. "I want both."

"Well I don't like to let my girl down." He whispered to her and she grinned happily, "Put your face back in the mattress." He ordered and she did without hesitation. Finn's hands were hurting a little from the spanking he'd given her, but she loved it, and he loved that she loved it. He clenched his hand for a minute and then flattened it out and put even more force behind it, she cried out with that delicious mixture of pleasure and pain and he chucked, carefully counting out ten and marvelling at the deep red colour her arse was turning. As soon as he was done, he knelt behind her and took a photo, he threw it to her and she looked at the colour and groaned happily.

"Put your hands behind you back." He ordered her and she put her face back into the mattress, as she laced her hands behind her back. "Do not move your hands." He reached over to his top drawer and took an old school tie out and tied her hands behind her back. Rae felt a thrill of excitement tingle in her pussy as she tested her bonds and realised that there was absolutely no way she could get out of them. He slid his fingers down her crack, lingering again on her arsehole and she stopped breathing, unable to turn to look at him she simply waited to see what he'd do, she felt his cock sliding into her cunt, his fingertip on her anus and felt excitement and fear mingle in the pit of her belly. She understood that anal penetration had become the thing he threatened her with to give her a thrill of fear, to heighten her excitement. She liked that. She could afford to like that because she trusted him so implicitly to never do anything she didn't want. She came loudly as these thoughts raced through her mind. He laughed at how quickly she'd come.

"You dirty bitch!" He exclaimed as he felt her cunt tighten around his cock only after a few thrusts. He loved how turned on she was, how wet she was. For her part, Rae liked being called a dirty bitch, but only when they were fucking like this. In fact, he could certainly call her worse things right now and she'd probably like that too. He took several photos of his cock sliding in and out of her cunt, and of her tied wrists. Then he put the camera down and set to fucking her as hard as he could, interspersing the thrusts with hard smacks on the sides of her arse. He heard her groaning loudly, and felt her cunt tighten around him at least another two times, but he wasn't paying close attention to her orgasms, more to his own growing need to come. He pulled her by her hair, and tied wrists, the muscles in his arms straining, he was still not back to full strength, but he kept pulling her up until she was almost upright, her back arched almost painfully, and listened to her happy groans of pleasure, as he slammed into her roughly. He could cum at any moment, but he wasn't done with her yet. He withdrew and got off the bed, changing the film in the camera and looking at all the photos littering the floor he grinned and took several of her bound and kneeling on the bed. Then he roughly rolled her onto her back, her arms pinned beneath her and raised her legs so that they were over his shoulders, he leaned on her and fucked her hard, watching her eyes roll back into her head as she came again, he took a photo of her as she came and several of her as she gave him angry, hungry looks; she wanted to touch him while he was fucking her so hard. He knew she wanted to rake her nails down his back and he loved the ache in her eyes to touch him. He took a lot of photos of her while she was in that wild state of desire, his cock pumping in and out of her. He let her legs drop and kneeled up, wanting to take more photos of his cock sliding into her.

'I gotta touch you." She finally begged and he shook his head and kept taking photos. "Let me touch you." Her begging and the view of his cock pumping into her cunt, was pushing him too close to the edge of orgasm, and he decided he wanted to leap off that cliff. He withdrew and pulled her by the ankle to the edge of the bed.

"Kneel." He told her and she slipped off the bed onto her knees, struggling wildly with her tied hands, desperately trying to get untied. "Alright?' He asked again and she nodded angrily but kept struggling. He didn't wait for any other sign from her but slammed his cock into her throat again it didn't take too many thrust to get him close and he pulled out of her mouth. "Open your mouth." He ordered, the camera ready to take as many photos as he could as he came messily all over her face. It was a big load, even by his standards. And he was pleased with the way the photos looked; there was a good amount in her mouth and her cheeks were covered too, some of it had landed on her forehead and in her hair. He took a photo of her mouth full of his cum.

"You know what to do." He said softly and she swallowed immediately, he groaned and took another photo of her, this time with an empty mouth. He pulled her up by the hair and put her back on the bed, her hands underneath her again, kneeling on the floor between her legs and burying his face in her cunt. Rae gasped with pleasure as he licked and fingered her. She had his cum all over her face, she could taste his cum on her breath, and she was tied, her arse still singing with pain and she was coming so easily, and so loudly as he ate her. He took photos of her as she came, his eyes peaking up over her pubic hair to aim well. He crawled between her thighs and looked at her face.

"The next time you play with fire girl, I'm gonna tie you up for the whole thing. Alright?" She nodded, biting her bottom lip excitedly. "You alright?" She nodded and he gently rolled her onto her side and untied her. She put her fingers up to her face and felt his cum there, he snapped a photo and she smiled at the camera as she slowly licked his cum of her fingers. He reached over the bed and handed her his shirt and she wiped her face, her eyes on him.

"What?" He asked cheekily.

"I was s'posed to be in charge of the camera sex." She answered and he chuckled.

"Well you can be next time ok?"

"Alright." She said as if she were angry at him and he laughed and pulled her into his arms kissing her deeply.

"I still don't know how you swallow that shit." He said when he tasted his cum on her tongue. He pulled a face at the taste of it but then smiled lustfully, "but I'm so stoked you do."

"I quite like swallowing." She answered with a shrug and he groaned.

"I will never get tired of that fact." He looked her up and down and took her hands into his examining her wrists. She knew that while he liked the rough stuff, he didn't want to really hurt her, and she had a feeling that this tenderness would be a usual thing afterwards. "Let's have a look at your arse then." He said and she got up, but before she turned around she looked at him sternly.

"No sorry's." She reminded him, already feeling that it would probably bruise. She turned and heard a sharp intake of air from Finn.

"Aye, that'll bruise." He said tightly, his fingers gently touched her warm flash. "Right, I'll get some ice." He got up from sitting on his heels to standing in one smooth movement and gently pulled Rae into his arms, kissing her tenderly. "You will tell me if-"

"Enough!" She hit his arm hard and he gritted his teeth at her.

"I love you!" He returned, "I just wanna make sure."

"I'm fine!" She retorted. "I'll have tea as well." She nodded towards the door and he nodded before trotting off downstairs. The first thing Rae did when he was gone was retrieve the two videos from her bag and put them in her second drawer. She grabbed her bag and put some pants in the drawer over the top of them in order to hide them. She was still unpacking her things when Finn came back up, he stopped in the doorway and watched her, a content smile on his face. She hadn't seen him yet and she was sorting through her bag and putting things in the drawer thoughtfully organising them. She had a pile on the side that was for hanging and as she put another dress on the pile she looked over and saw him with tea and an ice pack, smiling at her. She grinned back at him.

"Unpacking." She said and continued. He crossed the room and put her tea on top of the dresser and hugged her from behind, kissing her neck, feeling the chain around her neck on his lips. He stepped back and put the icepack on her buttocks, standing there holding it for her as she kept unpacking, taking sips from her tea and talking about music. When she walked across the room to hang her clothes, Finn followed closely, keeping the icepack on her arse, listening to her voice and wanting to make love to her. When she'd finished unpacking, she started to pick up all the photos, looking at them as she went, Finn enjoying them too.

"You look incredible when you cum." He whispered to her, and she had to agree.

"We don't have one of your face when you cum." She said as she finished picking them all up. He guided her to the bed and handed her the camera. She looked at it.

"There's only a partial story in those photos." He said softly, "that was fucking. Hard." He kissed her tenderly, "Now I'm gonna make love to you, alright?"

"Aye." She kissed his lips slowly, their tongues gliding against each other's sensuously.

"Let's take some photos of that too." Rae nodded her head happily and laid down on the bed, he crawled between her thighs.

"I love you Finn." She breathed and took a photo of the look he got when she said that.

"I love you Mrs Nelson."

She didn't take many photos of their love making, she was too focused on the feeling of touching him, of being with him, of their bodies moving together in time, but the ones she got were stunningly beautiful. And she did manage to get his face when he came, and even he had to admit that he looked incredible.

Dear Diary

Life has taken on this strange pattern of waiting.

Waiting for news on Izzy.

Waiting to be able to see Liam.

Waiting for Saul to reappear or be caught.

Finn and I seem to be clinging to each other in an ocean of waiting. We've created our own little island where we find peace and comfort and joy even, while we wait.

Oh, he just said my name in his sleep again.

Oh no… this one's a nightmare not a dream.

Rae bent and put her lips to his ear.

"I'm here with you Finn." She whispered, "I'm safe, you're safe." He visibly calmed and his fingers reached out for her and rested on her thigh.

Rae looked out into his room, the bedside lamp on, the clock telling her it was 2am, her diary open in her lap.

But even our island has a poisoned well at its centre.

'Wild is the Wind' by David Bowie

"I always thought we'd go horse riding in the Scottish highlands." He kept his mouth as close to her ear as he could manage and whispered to her. "I seen the way you looked at those horses at the Easter show when we was kids." He squeezed her hand slightly. "I never done it afore, but I thought I'd figure it out." It was the nights that killed Chop the most, the place would be dark and isolated, and he hadn't left this room for far too long. "And I was thinking that when we was in Italy, I'd go and check out where the pope lives. Ask him why he thinks it a sin that I make love to you. I don't care about a little piece o' paper that says we're married, when in me heart we're forever. That's what matter." Chop reflected that there were many good reasons that he was a lapsed Catholic, It broke his mother's heart that he didn't go to church, but his father didn't care and most of his siblings didn't go either. He hadn't prayed much in his life, but these past few weeks had seen prayer return to him as if it were a life vest in an open ocean at night. Not the old Catholic mantras he'd been taught; no it was endless pleading that she'd be alright that filled his prayers in these nights. "I thought we'd take our kids around Ireland. I got family there." He looked down at her thin fingers, "And we'd have to stop granpa from telling 'em gruesome war stories, cos they used to give me nightmares. And we both know that old fucker's gonna live forever, so he'll be around to terrorise our kids alright." He smiled sadly. "I thought we'd have sex on the trans-Siberian." He admitted, "I know you never thought I'd wanna travel much… and I don't but… but that'd be pretty cool." His body was stiff and exhausted, but he would only give out when she did. Until then he held on with the scraps of energy he had left. "I wanted to buy one of them historical houses and do it up nice. I'd add a sewing room for you so you could make your dresses and stuff. But I guess you probably want something bigger than a single room for your dreams." He took a deep breath, "And I'll do everything I can to give that to you. A big factory making all your designs. Selling them all around the world. I'll even go to bloody fashion shows if I have to Izzy." He stroked her hand gently, "It's been too many weeks now, Iz. You really do need to wake up now. Not just those little flutter of the eyes. I mean right proper awake. The doctor says you're improving, says that you been healing and getting well, but I don't see it, cos you won't wake up. So you gotta make it real clear for stupid ol' Chop and open up your eyes for me." He raised his head, his eyes closed, hoping that this time… this would be the time that he'd open his eyes and see her looking at him. He opened his eyes and saw her pale eyelids still closed and felt that old familiar despair grip at him.

"I love you Iz." He said clearly, "And I'm here with you till the end girl." He touched her face, the feeding tube in her mouth limiting his ability to stroke her cheek. "But I want that end to be a hundred years from now. Not now." He shook his head, "not now Izzy." His voice grew stronger, "I forbid it." He squeezed her hand, "D'you hear me girl? I forbid it."

'Justify My Love' by Madonna

Rae looked at the bruises that poked out the sides of her underwear on her buttocks in the mirror while she waited for Janice to come back with the 'one size fits all' skirt she had been talking about. Rae stood in nothing but her red underwear, she had just bought it, her mother had wanted them to go out and buy things together; Rae thought she was trying to bond with her again, but when she'd had to go up a cup size her mother had just shrugged and told her that happiness makes women fat. Rae pushed that thought out of her mind and looked at the red underwear.

Finn had never seen it; she was going to be showing it to him today for the first time, in an extremely public and extremely provocative way. Rae felt perfectly fine wearing nothing but her underwear in front of Janice; it was Janice, lover of the female form. But she was nervous about what would be happening in about an hour.

She looked at her arse again.

The bruises aren't as bad as Finn thought they'd be.

And not as bad as I wanted 'em to be.

I been worried that that makes me a sick person; that I want Finn to sometimes leave a mark on me. Not all the time, mind. Just every now and then. I like that most of the time he touches me like I'm a goddess and like he worships me… or like he lusts after me so much he has to have me now, that's good too! I like that he loves making me cum and I like that he's considerate and caring as a lover… but sometimes I just want him to use me for his own gratification. And I want him to leave a mark when he does it that reminds me for days after what he did. That reminds me that I belong to him when he does that; like property. I don't want to be his property all the time; I don't think I'd feel good if it were all the time, I like being worshipped by him too much… but just sometimes… sometimes I like the way it feels to be his object.

Oh I worry that I'm sick.

I did talk to Kester about it.

I told him that Finn had left bruises on me at my request. He worried that I was trying to relive what had happened to me with Saul, apparently, some women who are so traumatised by their assaults will do that sometimes… But I told him we'd done it before that too and he changed his tune. Gave me a talk about consent and the 'spectrum of human sexuality,' which actually did make me feel a bit better.

I just know that most people would judge me.

Although yester when I went to sit and I couldn't properly sit, Archie gave me a look that said he completely knew what was going on. And Arch gave Finn a look, but Finn just came on all innocent with his expression. It were dead sexy; this secret me and Finn have got, and Archie suspecting. Oh Archie, I understand you and Tom perfectly.

I do feel better knowing that there are other people that are similar to me. But there is one thing I don't like about what Finn and me are doing… he's got too much of the power. I don't want to be his docile little play thing. Well, not all the time. I like being his object sometimes; to use and abuse as he wants. But I want to do that to him too. I wonder if he'll let me? If he'll like it?

I have a feeling he will because he told me that to him sex is always good as long as I'm enjoying it. And I'd enjoy that. A lot.

I know Finn talked to Kester as well, I think he worried that he were like Saul cos he left bruises on me.

But the bruises Saul left made me painfully relive what happened every time I saw 'em. These bruises left by Finn… they remind me that I can trust him enough to do what I said and no more.

I love that he did this to me when I asked him to. And then made love to me straight after. I love that since then we've made love so many times and had a few quickies too that were nice and hard and fast. I like that we won't do something like this again until I rile him up probably. Or maybe he'll start it next time? Either way, I like that it'll be a while until we do it again because it makes it more dirty that it only happens every now and then.

Go' I am a dirty bitch!

Rae turned and looked at her body in the mirror. She remembered when she first went to see Kester, she wouldn't even look in the mirror fully clothed. Now she was standing here, in her underwear eyeing off how good that deep red satin lingerie looked against her pale skin, with her dark hair tumbling down her breasts. She tried sweeping all of her hair to one side so that the other breast was left uncovered by her hair, the silky red cup more visible, her hard nipple poking through the flimsy material.

Janice bustled back in with the sheer, white skirt.

"Oh I like your hair like that!" She played with the curls for a moment, tussling them even more. "You are a sexy vixen!" Janice grinned, "Your mother will never let you down here again if she finds out. And Finn might never forgive me." She grinned and then shrugged, "But if you're willing to do it, why wouldn't we show you off?" She handed Rae the skirt and Rae slipped it on easily, the elastic waist band fitting her lower waist perfectly, the sheer material draping down her thighs, the red underwear still visible through the skirt.

"There, that hides the bruises." Janice said happily, "but you can still see your form." She got up and started to bustle about the studio. She hadn't asked Rae how she'd gotten the bruises, just asked her if she wanted to cover them or not. She was so grateful for Janice and her non-assumptive nature. Rae went to the middle of the room, where she knew she'd be modelling and sat on the floor, leaning back onto her elbows and extending her neck out so that her hair flowed like a brown ocean of chocolate from her head straight to the floor. She raised her knees and crossed one leg over the other, pointing the toe gently and raising the leg upward slightly to create a long line for her legs, like Janice had suggested. The skirt fell off her legs and pulled in her lap, the material draping perfectly. She had agreed to do three poses: one reclined, one sitting and one standing. Janice turned and looked at her momentarily.

"Oh that's perfect." She drawled, "Will you be able to hold it."

"Aye." Rae said and Janice gave a little clap of excitement.

"They'll be here in a few minutes, so you should just sit comfortably till they arrive." Rae felt her first moment of trepidation. She didn't even know how many people were in this art class, nor who any of them were. Save for Finn. Janice had been teaching him to draw at home, but now that Rae was finally modelling for Janice's class like she had agreed to, Finn was coming in to the studio for the first time to be part of the class that got to draw her. She knew that Janice and Finn were going to move onto oil paints after this, but first, he was going to start with charcoals, a medium he felt fairly comfortable with.

Rae grinned as she thought about the way she imagined Finn would look when he saw her like this. It would be worth all the fear she felt about being seen by so many people, she looked around at all the work stations Janice had set up; easily 30 people were going to be here. Drawing or painting her. The easels set up with large canvases were somewhat intimidating.

"How are you feeling?" Janice asked.

"Nervous." Rae admitted. She sat on the floor cross legged and looked over at the mirror at the beautiful make up Janice had done for her.

"It'll help if you don't look at any of them." Janice nodded, "trust me I know; I've done nude live modelling!"

"Really?" Janice nodded shyly.

"It was for art!" She laughed and Rae laughed with her. A student walked in and Rae's heart dropped out of her chest. It was a student from school, a girl she didn't know the name of. And older man walked in behind her and went straight to an easel.

Oh shit!

Why didn't I think that kids from school might be doing this class?

The girl looked at her and smiled reassuringly and Rae returned a tight lipped smile and looked up at the ceiling and decided she just wouldn't look at any more of the students. Janice had pointed out where she was going to make Finn sit, so she turned her eyes to that spot and got herself into her pose; she was not going to move until it was time to change poses, and she was not going to look at any of the other people in the room.

Several students were already in the room when he entered, looking down at his art book. They'd all been told last week that there would be a live model this week, and everyone had been quite keen for the experience. His excitement for this opportunity had been muted. His mood had been low for a while now. But nothing could really keep him down, he was a generally happy person. But lately things had been much harder. He looked up at the model and stopped dead in his tracks.

It was Rae.

His eyes crawled up her body hungrily, he took in everything, the creaminess of her exposed skin, the length of her stunning legs, her beautiful hair flowing across the floor, her nipples pressing against the red satin of her bra.

Phillip swallowed hard and knew that he simply couldn't give up on her. He knew that she loved Finn; she'd told him. But it could be trauma talking, and even love isn't enough to save a shaky relationship, and given what a prick Finns seemed to be, it was likely that they were having some troubles. How could he give up on such perfection?" He knew he should, he knew she was with someone, he knew he was just going to get hurt over and over again. But he had to keep trying.

"Oh you're a stubborn bastard Phil." He muttered to himself and decided to turn around and leave. Given his feelings for her, it felt wrong to paint her; it felt like he was intruding on her privacy. But Janice was here and had ushered him to his work desk before he'd even had chance to quietly protest; he didn't want Rae to know he'd been there. He hid behind his canvas for her, wanting to bring her no shame or shyness.

Rae had been keeping her eyes on the ceiling, flicking them down to Finn's spot now and then, waiting for him to appear. She could hear people murmuring gently and the scratch of pencils on paper, people had already begun. She had no idea that Phillip sat to her right, trying to remain objective and take her in to paint her, rather than take her in as a man deeply in love.

She was looking at Finn's spot when she saw Mile, or 'hot Mike' as Chloe, Izzy and herself called him when the boys weren't around walk in and sit in the seat next to Finn's. He opened up a roll with some battered looking pastels and then took a deep breath and looked up at her just as Finn took residence in the work station beside him. Rae saw Mike's eyes crawl over her and then turn to Finn, Finn hadn't yet looked; he was preparing his materials as professionally as he could, his palms feeling sweaty. He'd seen Mike in the foyer outside and felt his heart drop; he hadn't realised that people from school would be in this class. Especially not Mike. Rae fancied Mike a little. They'd walked into the class together, both not looking at the model, but instead going straight to their allocated workstations; there was a seating plan pinned on the wall outside.

"Isn't that Rae?" He asked Finn, a tone of awe that even Rae could hear in his hushed whisper from where she was.

"Aye." Finn looked at him from the corner of his eyes, before slowly raising his eyes to look at her. His jaw dropped as he took her in.

"She's fucking hot." Mike breathed as he shook his head.

"I know." Finn agreed almost breathlessly as he took her in.

"I wouldn't let my girl do this." Mike turned his eyes to Finn and saw the look of surprise and desire on his face.

"Aye but you try stopping Rae from doing anything she sets her mind to." He grinned, "It's what I love about her." Most of the people in the room had heard the exchange, Rae felt a blush on her cheeks, but she kept her eyes on Finn. Phil was amazed that Finn was here, that Finn was even slightly interested in something like this, that he saw her like this and didn't bound over to her like a Neanderthal and demand that she cover up and be his property. When Phil looked around the corner of his canvas at Finn, he saw a look of admiration and adoration on his face. And very primal desire.

Finn had so many emotions rampaging through him. Mostly he was so proud of her for overcoming her fears and doing this. Part of him didn't want people to see her looking this sexual because he wanted that to be all his, but part of him wanted to show her off a little too. He was deeply aroused and imagined himself ravishing her in front of all these people while they drew it.

I love you. He mouthed the words to her and a slight smile touched the corners of her mouth. Finn drank her in and slowly sat down, picking up the charcoal he began to draw her. She watched him work for some time, and then she heard a murmur behind her and she tuned in her ears to hear one of the artist commenting that she was a beautiful model and another agreed. Rae felt herself blushing, furiously uncomfortable but strangely aroused as everyone took their time to take her in; to draw her. She kept her eyes on Finn, his white shirt was getting covered in charcoal dust; he looked so sexy when he concentrated like this.

After 30 minutes Janice brought over a stool and Rae sat on it, leaning back on the backrest, her hands tousling her hair naturally, her legs crossed, the skirt pulled up to the knee. After months of playing the theatre game 'Marionettes' with Elsa, who had no sympathy for aching limbs and cared only for physical control on a stage, she was finding holding poses for extended times quite easy. She heard everyone change pages or canvases and saw Janice settle into her position to draw her. Rae turned her eyes back to Finn. She gave a small enigmatic smile and proceeded to eye fuck Finn every time he looked up at her. The room became charged with their electricity, filled with their latent desire. Rae wondered how this was affecting the art being created, but that thought made her became more lustful, desperately wanting to fuck Finn as the time went by.

When another 30 minutes had passed and it was time to do the standing pose, Rae was certain she'd left a wet patch on the stool. She stood, one foot slightly in front of the other, her shoulders thrown back, her breasts thrust out and upwards, her pelvis gently tilted forward, her head raised. She looked every bit the fierce warrior Finn knew her to be; a fierce warrior that would fuck you to death. The sex was rippling from her as she continued to eye fuck Finn. For his part, Finn's cock was throbbing in his pants and he was going to have Rae the minute he could.

"Holy fuck." Mike breathed, but Rae heard him; the room was silent. "Finn mate, I know you'll punch the fuck outta me for this, and I respect that, but I so wanna fuck your girl." He whispered.

"You touch her without her permission, and you'll have me to answer to." Finn returned in a low voice. Rae didn't grin at Finn, even though she could. Instead she tried to make him think of all the things they could do together after this class finished. She tried to make him think about peeling this underwear off her.

"Fair enough." Mike returned.

Phillip was in a mess. All the months he'd liked Rae and grown to love her, his sexual attraction to her had stayed relatively innocent; he wanted to have sex with her of course, but he had always imagined impassioned love making. Right now his whole body was desperate to fuck her as hard as he could. He could almost hear Finn's voice telling him that he was a Neanderthal too. His mind flashed the most lewd images of them together and it was all he could do to not groan with desire. He was almost thankful when the class ended 30 minutes later. Thankful but miserable that it had ended. He watched her go to the corner, where her bag was and pull out a red dress that she slipped over her head, Janice helping with the zip as Rae slipped the skirt off. He watched her turn to Finn, the red dress flaring out and showing him her upper thighs. Janice turned to her class as they packed up.

"We'll finish your sketches next week." Finn closed his art book as Janice spoke. Rae came up to him and whispered in his ear.

"Take me somewhere and fuck me." Mike heard what she'd said and looked away grinning and jealous. Rae and Finn were the first to leave, Rae leading Finn by the hand as Janice continued to talk, the eyes of everyone in the class watched them leave.

"Get in the back seat o' the car." Finn said lustfully as soon as they got to the car park, even though the car was parked in a far off corner. When they got to the car, Finn unlocked the door and Rae opened the back door but he stopped her and stripped her dress off her in the middle of the car park. She looked around shocked as Finn climbed in the back seat. She got in and closed the door, Finn already had his cock out and he roughly pulled her on top of him immediately. He pushed aside her silky underwear and slid inside of her, his hands playing with the silky cups of her bra.

"You're so fucking sexy." He breathed as he thrust into her, making the car rock.

Everyone from the class saw that car rocking as they got into their own cars to go home. Janice came out last and shook her head at the rocking car, thankful she had her own car here and wasn't depending on a lift home. She looked down at her sketchbook and grinned. Time to go home and work on fleshing out her sketches; that had been a truly wonderful session of art.

'Kool Thing' by Sonic Youth

Finn pulled his art book out of Rae's line of vision as she tried to peek a look.

"You can't look yet, they're not finished." He told her and she gave him a sulky, frustrated look.

"Janice had finished hers." Rae said grumpily.

"Yeah well Janice is a fucking professional. And those were just the line sketches. She gonna paint you from those."

"So those weren't finished?" Rae thought about the incredible drawings of herself Janice had produced. Rae looked powerful, sexual and just outright beautiful in the drawings. The whole experience had been overwhelmingly positive for Rae, and Finn had noticed that as the wether warmed up, she was wearing less clothing. Even in public. Today she wore a knee length black skirt that flowed and moved around her hips seductively when she walked and a Radiohead t-shirt in a woman's size rather than a man's size. Which meant it fit snugly to her breasts and stomach and made Finn unable to concentrate if he looked too much. He looked down at her red converse, her bare legs sticking out of them. He was somewhat sorry to see the tights disappear, he did so enjoy tearing them. But he much preferred her bare legs. And the tights would make a reappearance in autumn.

It was a warm Saturday morning in early May, his 18th birthday was in a few days' time on the 9th and his dad had planned a nice dinner at a restaurant for that. Finn had insisted with the gang that they hold off doing any celebrations for his birthday until Izzy was out of hospital and could come with them. Given that there was still no word on Izzy's condition, there was a tension amongst the gang that would have destroyed any chance of a fun party anyway. Archie had felt the same way about his birthday when it had rolled around in late April and was planning on doing something for it when things settled down. Finn had no problem waiting until the June mid-term break or later if needed. He wanted his 18th birthday celebrations to be huge and that meant that a school break was required, and he and Archie had talked about sharing the celebration since their birthdays were close to each other. Besides Izzy's presence was required for a good time to be had. He saw Rae eyeing him lustily and grinned as he kept working. Rae watched him drawing, a smudge of charcoal on the side of his nose, his fingers blackened, the right hand from holding the charcoal, the left from smudging the lines carefully. Rae looked over to the open bedroom door and decided she might need to close it. She looked back at Finn, sitting in jeans, shirtless, looking lovingly at his drawing.

"Have we got time for a quickie?" She asked and saw his face shot up to hers, a huge horny grin on his face, he nodded.

"No you don't." Janice answered from the hallway, "Come on." Finn looked up at his ceiling and groaned with frustration and Rae shrugged at him.

"Gotta go." She walked over to him, her hands going to his bare chest as she kissed him passionately. He breathed her in, but kept his dirty hands to himself, even as the itched to touch her.

"You be alright?" He asked, always concerned for her.

"It's a doctor appointment." She reminded him.

"And you're sure you don't want me to go?"

"It's a boring girl thing." She reassured him.

"But it's a you thing. So it's a me thing." He put his hand up to her face, his fingers millimetres from her skin, not touching cos he didn't want to leave charcoal on her skin.

"I'll tell you all about it when I get back, alright?" She kissed him again and he sighed deeply, aching for her.

"I love you." He said urgently to her and she kissed him again.

"I love you." She was smiling happily when she turned from him, Finn watching the way the skirt moved across her arse when she walked out. He sighed lustily and then looked back down at his drawing; he intended to spend the time she was out sith Janice finishing this first picture. Then he'd start on the other two.

Rae and Janice drove in to town, Janice cheerfully chatting about the gallery and the new artists she was discovering in the area; particularly 'urban artists' and seemed quite annoyed at the local council for some reason. Rae listened to Janice as she complained about the graffiti clean ups happening around town and had no idea why she was so annoyed about it, but nodded anyway.

"I'm thinking of getting one of the local urban artists to do an artwork on the side of the art centre you know." She finished her rant, "that'll fuck them up!" Rae grinned at Janice swearing. "They can't take that one down, because it'll be a commissioned artwork that the South Kestevan local council paid for!"

"You should do it." Rae encouraged her and Janice grinned.

"Might be pushing it, you know. They pay my wages too."

"I wouldn't worry. You're brilliant at your job." Rae told her, "Everyone says the art centre is coming back to life now. And lots of people are doing all the classes you started." Rae thought about how even her mum was thinking of doing the pottery classes offered by the centre, and she'd never shown any artistic inclination before. And all the girls at school loved the street dance classes that Janice had gotten started, hiring out the massive dance studio room they had that had not been used in years. She was started ballet, contemporary and jazz classes in the next few weeks. It had been quite a learning curve for Janice, to pick up a whole arts centre, not just a gallery. But she had been doing an excellent job, and the whole of Stamford was buzzing about it. Janice parked the car and reached into the back seat to pull out a drab grey cardigan to cover her delightful sky blue sundress. Rae furrowed her brows at Janice but didn't say anything as they headed out towards the doctor's clinic. Rae instantly noticed Janice's different body language in public. She kept her eyes down, her cardigan wrapped around her and hurried on to their location.

"Janice what's wrong?" Rae asked and Janice shrugged.

"Nothing." She shook her head as she walked on, but she made an effort to slow down and raise her head more. The moment she did she saw a flash of violet in a store window. She stopped, Rae continuing to walk for a few steps before noticing. Rae came back to her side and looked in the window, her breath catching when she saw the dress Janice was looking at. This was a new store and Rae looked at the name painted in beautiful black calligraphy on the window: Curvy Girl Boutique. Rae looked back in at the beautiful dress wondering if she could have it. It was such a strange experience to look at an item of clothing and think that maybe she could have it, but the girl she was shopping with couldn't. She was so used shopping with Izzy and Chloe and the sizes stopping short of her size… this was so new to her. She had to go in and look at the dress. Janice followed her into the store.

"I love that dress." Janice whispered as she looked at the 1950's vintage inspired dress, in a deep, yet vivid shade of violet.

"I'm sorry, but we don't stock your size." A sale's assistant said to Janice with a sympathetic look. Janice nodded slowly that she understood. Rae's fingers touched the dress.

"It's beautiful."

"We have your size." The assistant said, "And we do tailoring so we can fit it to you perfectly if you'd like? We cater to the curvy girl's every need." She looked at Rae with a huge grin and Rae looked back at the dress, so desperately wanting it. She checked the price tag and winced; she couldn't afford it.

"Unfortunately," Rae said to the assistant, "I'm a curvy girl on a budget."

"We do lay-by." Rae looked at the assistant and back at the dress.

"I have to have it." Rae grinned and Janice made a mental note to make a few payments for Rae in secret, so the dress would be paid off quicker.

The correct size was in stock and it fitted her perfectly, she looked in the mirror in the change room and fell in love with the dress. She was definitely going to put this on lay-by.

Rae felt quite elated when she left the store, a lay-by docket folded in her purse and a few business cards to give her mum and Elsa and any other big girl she ever saw; she need this shop to remain open.

They got to the doctor just in time and were shown in to his office almost immediately. Janice sat beside her with a reassuring smile.

"How can I help you today?" He asked Janice with a big smile.

"Oh we're here for Rae." She looked at Rae and fretted about how nervous Rae looked. The gynaecologist looked a little confused and looked down at his notes.

"It says that you're here to get an IUD fitted?" He asked incredulously.

"Aye." Rae nodded anxiously.

"There's not much point in getting an IUD if you're not sexually active." He told her pragmatically.

"Why would you think I'm not sexually active?" Rae asked, her stomach sinking. She felt suddenly too big for her clothes, the fitted t-shirt felt like a strait jacket suffocating her. She looked down, wishing Janice wasn't here to see this.

"I'm sorry. I just read on your file that you're 16." He answered stiffly.

"17." Rae countered."

"And the prefect age to be shagging your brains out." Janice added, her anger just barely under control. She had caught the implication in what he'd said too.

"Of course." His mouth drew into a tight smile, "What contraception are you currently using?"

"The pill. But I keep forgetting to take it."

"Have you considered condoms?"

"I won't use them with Finn." She shook her head adamantly. The doctor put on what he obviously thought was a sympathetic look.

"I understand. A lot of young lads don't like to use them, but-"

"He'd use them if I told him to." Rae was not in the mood for getting yet another lecture about contraception. She was here to fix this problem once and for all, not be told all about the magic of condoms.

"Condoms prot4ct you against sexually transmitted diseases whereas an IUD only protects against pregnancy."

"I only need protection from pregnancy." Rae said resolutely.

"A lot of young girls think that. But a lot of young guys are fooling around a lot… it would be wiser if-"

"Not Finn." Rae answered simply.

"Look, she came here for an IUD, if you're not willing to do that, we can go elsewhere." Janice said, clearly angry.

"Of course I can do it." He answered, "I just have to make sure that it's the right decision for Rae." He turned back to her, "if you're sure?"

"I'm sure." Janice and Rae had talked long and deeply about her contraception options since that first conversation, and an IUD seemed perfect to her.

"Alright, well let's get on the bed. Do a pap smear and have a look at your cervix." He said with a reassuring smile.

"Do you want me to go?" Janice asked as Rae went to the bed.

"Please stay." Rae replied as the doctor closed the curtain around the bed.

"Just slip your underwear off and lie down." He said as he turned away from her to wash his hands. "Is this your first gynaecological examination?"

"Yes." Rae felt butterflies in her stomach. This was quite scary, and she wished she'd brought Finn along now; Janice had said she might be more comfortable with Finn, but this had seemed like a boring girl thing so she hadn't wanted to subject him to it.

"First pap smear then?"

"Aye." She tried to make her voice sound unafraid, and wished that Finn was there holding her hand. The doctor turned back to her after he'd put some gloves on and showed her the instruments he'd be using.

"This is a speculum." He showed her how it opened, "I'll use this to open you up so I can use this spatula," He held it up, "to just take a few cells from your cervix. While I'm at it, I'll have a quick look and see how we'll insert the IUD." He put the speculum against her inner thigh, "How's the temperature of it."

"Alright." Rae said, terrified of how wide the thing could open up.

"No just relax, I'm not going to ask your vagina to do anything it can't manage easily, ok?" He slowly inserted the speculum into her and Rae had a strange sensation that it was wrong to have something inside of her if Finn wasn't present. She felt a strange pressure inside of herself that was uncomfortable, but not painful. Then a strange scraping sensation at her core that made her shudder in not quite revulsion. He put the spatula into a special container for the pathology lab and then he made a small clucking noise as he had a look at her cervix. Rae looked up at the ceiling, clinging onto her skirt, feeling so weird about this whole experience. The doctor closed and withdrew the speculum and removed his gloves before turning and leaving the curtained off area.

"You can get dressed now." He said softly as he returned to his desk. Rae grabbed her underwear and pulled it on before heading back to her seat. Her insides felt strange. Janice gave her a sympathetic smile.

"Your cervix is quite small." He said as he wrote some notes, "If you want an IUD, we'll have to organise a day surgery to get it in." He took out a few pamphlets and handed them to her, "after the first time, we should be able to thread it through the opening of the cervix easily enough for future IUDs, but this first time will be difficult with a cervix like yours." He continued to write notes and then looked up a schedule in his day planner, "when's good for you Miss Earl?" He turned to her an expectant look on his face.

"I dunno… I hadn't thought it would take surgery."

"It's not really surgery the way you're thinking of it." He said comfortingly, "you'll be in and out in a day. But the first opening isn't until late June."

"Alright." Rae answered, her stomach clenching in fear. "Will I have to be knocked out?"

"Yes, but there's no need to worry about that." He handed her some pamphlets and a card with the address and date of her day surgery and the associated costs and help she could receive for the cost. "I'll see you gain in June."

"That was fucking weird!" Rae said as her and Janice walked back down the street.

"Yeah pap smears are like that." Janice answered, "Welcome to the world of being a grown woman who is sexually active."

"Well at least it's done now."

"Oh no, you get those every two years." Janice couldn't help but laugh at the look on Rae's face.

"Go' being a woman is shit." Rae shook her head.

"At least we can't get nutted." Rae thought about the way Finn had looked when she'd accidentally kneed him in the nuts and nodded.

"But we got a lot of shit in that trade off. I think we need to renegotiate the deal." Janice laughed, her hands folded across her chest protectively, but her face alight with mirth. Rae help but be struck by the change in her appearance in public.

"Janice," Rae said softly, "it's a warm day. Why are you wearing that cardi?" Janice looked at her with a wry grin.

"Remember when you first met me, you said I was beautiful?" Rae nodded her head. "Well there's quite a downside to looking like you come from the pages of a soft porno mag." Janice looked down, "let me show you." She stood still and took off the huge cardigan, the beautiful, fitted sky blue sundress shining gorgeously in the sunlight. Rae stood with her, not sure what she was supposed to be seeing. But it only took a few moments for Rae to nice the substantial increase in male looks they were getting. Rae noticed the eyes of almost every male she could see in the vicinity on Janice.

"Bloody hell." She whispered as she saw the furtive glances of some men, the outright stares of others, and the downright perverse eye-fucking other guys were giving her.

"It wouldn't be so bad if it was all just the stolen glances." Janice said, "I kind of like the odd stolen glance." She said as she thought of Gary. "It's the constancy." She said softly, "and the assumption that because I look like this, I'm bang up for it." Janice sighed and looked around, "this has been pretty good though." She said with a soft smile, "no catcalls."

"Hi Rae." Rae turned to see Elsa coming out of the store behind her, she was accompanied by a woman much shorter than Elsa's statuesque height in those six inch knee high boots. Rae noticed that Elsa was holding her hand and tried not to look too surprised. Rae felt herself taking a closer look at Elsa's girlfriend; she was short, curvy and had the most beautiful smile. Her hair was reddish brown and her eyes were a deep brown with golden tinges, similar to her own eyes. But it was the David Bowie shirt that she wore that Rae noticed the most, it looked like one from the 70s, and it was in mint condition. She and Elsa had been shopping and Rae noticed a man standing behind them carrying numerous bags.

"This is Lysa." Elsa did the introductions, not bothering to introduce the man carrying the bags, "This is Rae and?"

"Janice." Janice answered.

"I know Rae from school." Elsa explained to Lysa and she nodded and looked at Rae as Elsa continued, "I've known Lysa for years and years." Elsa told Rae, "Probably my closest friend." They shared a fond grin, filled with intimacy and love. "So how's everything going with you today Rae?" Elsa was acutely aware that Rae was under a lot of pressure with Izzy, Liam and Saul, and she had no intention of letting Rae feel as though she didn't have support.

"I'm sorry," Janice interrupted, "I just have to say," She looked at Lysa, "Your eyebrows are impeccable." Lysa laughed a deep infectious chuckle and shook her head.

"I know!" She replied and Rae felt sure that all the boys at school would be heartbroken to see the smitten look Elsa gave Lysa. Rae turned her eyes to the guy carrying the bags, and noticed a leather collar around his neck. She furrowed her eyebrows and took him in. He was over 6 foot tall and had dark hair and delicious olive skin with large brown eyes. Rae looked back at Elsa as Lysa and Janice swapped beauty tips, Elsa clearly not interested in this conversation, but politely listening nonetheless, her eyes on Lysa's face.

"I don't have enough time to get manicures like that with the art centre needing so much of my time." Janice was saying and Elsa's attention came back to the conversation.

"You're the new head of the art centre?"

"Yeah." Janice smiled shyly

"I teach performing arts at the school." Elsa said with a grin, "Can we have a quick chat about your theatre?"

"Of course!" Janice said excitedly. Elsa held up a finger and turned to Lysa.

"D'you wanna head back to my place and prepare for Nick coming over?" She stroked Lysa's hair gently, "avoid a conversation you'll find boring?"

"Don't be too long." Lysa smiled, "I'm heading home tomorrow." They kissed and a guy catcalled them enthusiastically. Both women, simultaneously flipped him the finger and continued kissing. Rae heard a soft groan of desire from in the guy who was carrying their bags. And wondered what kind of a relationship he had to Elsa and Lysa.

"I would never be brave enough to give the finger to a guy that cat called me." Janice said softly and Rae shrugged watching as Elsa handed over the keys to her place to Lysa and then motioned for the guy carrying the bags to follow Lysa.

"I imagine you get a lot of cat calls." Elsa said to Janice as she watched Lysa walking away.

"Yeah I get a few." Janice acknowledged as she put her cardigan back on.

"Just learn how to break a guy's neck. That'll give you the confidence to deal with their shit." Janice laughed, slightly nervous around Elsa's confidence and demeanour but Rae grinned.

"For real?" Rae asked.

"I have been doing various martial arts and self-defence classes for over a decade." Elsa said. "If you've got an arse like mine and you're not willing to accept the mentality of 'if it stick out I'm allowed to touch' that so many wanker guys have, you gotta know how to hurt a man. Badly."

"Finn were trying to teach me self-defence." Rae said, suddenly feeling that she really needed to get back into those lessons; they hadn't had one since Saul had attacked her. She didn't know that Finn had been holding off on them, not wanting to trigger any memories or flashbacks in her with the violence and grabs and holds.

"I suggest you continue." Elsa said honestly, "Where was he teaching you?"

"The boxing joint."

"Which one?' Janice asked.

"There's only one boxing joint in Stamford." Elsa smiled knowingly. "Get Rhys to teach you, tell him I told you to see him, he'll give you a discount."

"You know Rhys?" Rae asked surprised.

"In a manner of speaking." Elsa answered with a completely straight face that indicated to Rae that Elsa knew Rhys quite well; probably nakedly and horizontally well. "You know him?" Elsa returned.

"Not really." Rae said, "He's Finn's trainer."

"Oh right." Elsa considered this, "he's the best trainer they have there." Elsa took out a cigarette and lit it, "followed by Tom and then Jim." She blew out the smoke away from them, "the others they have are mediocre. Don't bother with anyone but Rhys, Tom or Jim."

"Great, thanks for the advice." Rae said and Elsa gave her a fond smile.

"My pleasure Rae, let me know if you need anything right?"

"Yeah." Rae liked how much Elsa kept an eye out for her. Elsa turned her eyes back to Janice.

"So the theatre at the centre, does it have raked seats?"

"Yes, and great acoustics for a small theatre." Janice answered honestly.

"How many seats?"

"150." Janice answered.

"What's the backstage like?"

"Single change room, with a divider wall. Green room, loading dock, decent flats and props storage area."

"And the tech specs?"

"Full curtains, no fly." Elsa pulled a face and Janice shared the face, "but it does have a full scrim, projector, fully operational bio-booth-"

"Proper sound deck and lights?" Elsa interrupted.

"The lights are magnificent Elsa. We've got full floods, a dozen spots, a full range of gels, gobos… We've even got lasers." Elsa made a small noise of desire. Rae hadn't understood all of the conversation, but she knew that what the centre had was far better than the tiny stage in their school hall that they were using.

"Do you think that the school could come up with some sort of deal for using the theatre for our shows?"

"OF course!" Janice answered, "The theatre doesn't currently get used at all." She looked depressed by that, "it was next on my to do list; getting people into it."

"We could pay…" Elsa considered, "not a lot though."

"Well I need to hire a part time stage director for the place… I could always give the school free usage for 5 hours a week if you were willing to put in about 5 hours a week to getting that theatre back in order." A smile crept across Elsa's face. "We could accumulate those hours so you could do a run of shows…"

"I would love to do that." Elsa said, her eyes alight with passion, "I haven't run my own stage in years. I have missed it!"

"Well-"

"HEY FATTY – WHY DON'T YOU SUCK MY DICK!" A guy was hanging out of the pub door across the road leering at Elsa. Janice looked agape at him and Rae pulled a disgusted face at him.

"Sorry mate, my mouth's too full of food to fit your tiny little dick in there." Elsa shot back. Rae laughed and Janice looked stunned for a moment before she laughed too. The drunk guy thought for a moment and laughed too before starting to stumble up the street, seemingly unsure as to what had just happened.

"What do they think's gonna happen when they say shit like that?" Elsa asked them with a bemused tone. "I'm suddenly going to say; 'you're right! I should be sucking your dick.' What a wanker." Elsa chuckled and Rae noticed a look of admiration in Janice's eyes.

Join the club Janice!

Elsa looked back at the drunk guy to make sure he wasn't returning and then turned to Janice.

"We need to figure out the nuts and bolts of this deal." She said and Janice pulled a pen and paper out of her handbag.

"I'll give you my number." Janice said as she started to write down her office and home number. Rae looked around as they exchanged details and saw Kester walking up the sidewalk and smiled a hello when he saw them. She watched him do a slight double take, his steps faltering as he clearly agonised about something. Rae's eyebrows furrowed, her concentration on the conversation about using the theatre for rehearsal times Elsa had just started with Janice wavering as she saw Kester look back over and then clearly make up his mind to come over.

Oh fuck, what does he want?

"Hi." Rae said when he got to them, Elsa and Janice stopped chatting and looked at them.

"Hi Rae." He said softly and then turned straight to Elsa. "Hi Elsa." He looked down and crammed his hands in his pockets, "I was just wondering if you wanted to grab a coffee some time, maybe you could tell me more about why you hate therapists."

"I'm not really a coffee kind of a girl." She answered gently.

"Alright vodka." He shot back and Rae saw Elsa stop herself smile as she looked away.

"Aren't you monogamous?" Elsa said with a hint of derision, "Don't you have a girlfriend?" She looked at him as he nodded slowly, "Why would you ask a strange women to drink vodka with you?"

"Just a chat." Kester said, "I'm just interested in your mind." He added with a slight grin.

"Such a therapist." Elsa looked imperiously at him.

"I don't think you need to be a therapist to be interested in someone's mind." Kester countered.

"But you do need to be non-monogamous, or single to be interested in mine." Elsa answered, her bright red lips moving almost sexually. Rae was delighted to see a flush of colour on Kester's cheeks. She'd never seen anyone be a match for Kester's mind and this was something to behold. He scratched his nose and looked down licking his lips. He cleared his throat and looked back up at her.

"I think you pretend to be more sexual than you are to keep people at arm's length and to keep control of the situation." Kester answered softly and Elsa chuckled delightedly.

"Oh look at him go." She chortled, "You're cute when you try to understand me." Kester shot a quick, slightly embarrassed glance at Rae, but Rae shook her head in delight. "I'm almost tempted by your offer." She breathed and Rae felt her own body responding to Elsa's raw sexuality; she had no idea how Kester was holding up.

"Of course you are. You'd love an audience." Kester shot back and Elsa raised her eyes to the sky as she laughed.

"Yes." She acknowledged, "But I don't need you for that."

"No I don't suppose you do." Kester agreed, "But you'd have someone really interested in that mind o' yours not just that body." Rae couldn't tell who was hitting more goals at this point, but she looked over at Janice, who seemed to be equally as intrigued by the conversation as she was.

"Oh but my mind is the most sexual part of me… it'd be cheating." Elsa said with a grin. "On that sweet girlfriend of yours." Rae watched Kester's eyes narrow as he considered this.

"If having a conversation with you is considered cheating… you're doing it wrong." Elsa smiled appreciatively at his response.

"Eight o'clock." She answered slowly, "at the Swan." Kester nodded, pleased with himself and looked at the other two women present.

"Nice to meet you." He said to Janice. "See you Rae." Rae watched him leave and turned to Elsa.

"Don't break him too much, I need him for therapy." Rae was only semi-joking and Elsa caught the tone in her voice.

"Don't worry Rae; he's at no risk from me." She shook her head and looked back at him as he disappeared into the crowds, "He's more at risk from himself." She shrugged, "Bloody therapist." She muttered and turned back to Rae and Janice, to continue their plans for the theatre.

"Rae's writing all the plays for you isn't she?" Janice asked.

"With Phil, yeah."

"Maybe they should come look at the stage, get a feel for the space?"

"Great idea." Elsa answered, "I'll organise a date for it!"

'A Warm Place' by Nine Inch Nails

Chloe stroked his hair slowly. There were so many conflicting emotions in her that she really had no idea what to feel other than overwhelming sadness. She kept trying to make herself speak. Make herself tell him that she was sorry, that she wished that she had stuck it out and been there for him. She felt conflicted about caring for him because of the way he had treated Rae, but she knew Rae wasn't thinking about that right now. Rae was with Finn as he parked the car, she had been adamant that she would visit, despite Finn's misgivings.

How do I tell him that Rae doesn't care about the things he did now? How do I let him know that she only cares about him getting the love and friendship he needs and that she's sorry it took this to remind her of who she really is: a beautiful soul that looks after everyone?

Finn and Archie had really wanted us to stay away. But Rae and me, we know there's a softness at your core Liam. We've seen it. We understand that you need us.

Archie probably won't come. He don't really know you outside of what happened with the punch.

But Finn'll come. He'll go wherever Rae goes. He won't like it, but he's not the sort o' guy to be a control freak. I know you don't like Finn, so I'm sorry that you;'ll have to have him here, but he needs to stick around with Rae cos o' Saul.

What a mess these past few months have been. I'm so sorry I let you suffer cos o' that Liam.

But how do I tell him how sorry I am? I'm sorry I left you in prison overnight. I'm sorry I just stopped talking to you after making you think we'd be friends.

Open your mouth and tell him Chloe. Tell him that you know you made him feel like shit. You left him alone when he needed you.

"I'm so sorry Liam." She kissed his forehead softly. Rae walked in and Finn stayed at the door. His eyes fell on Liam and he slowly looked away; every fibre in him hated Liam, and he didn't want to feel sympathy for someone that had so harmed Rae. He understood that suicide was serious and it meant Liam was in a bad place, but his first loyalty would always be to Rae, and he found himself to be an extremely unforgiving man when it came to people hurting her, not surprisingly. He stayed in the doorway, staring out the window, a fixed look on his face as he watched Rae from the corner of his eye.

"Liam." Rae said softly, "What were you thinking…" She shook her head and took his hand. "I'm so sorry I didn't see that you was in trouble." Rae stroked his hair and Finn bit his bottom lip to stop himself from making an unimpressed noise. Rae looked up at Chloe to see tears dripping from her eyes. Chloe kept her eyes on Liam.

"This is my fault Rae." She said softly, "I led him to believe that we was friends, and then I abandoned him."

"Cos I told you to." Rae countered, "This is not your fault." Finn had to stop himself from telling them that they both had good reason to cut ties with Liam. He drummed his fingers against his thighs in irritation.

"Rae, if only we'd seen that he needed help." Finn again had to stop himself from pointing out that Liam saw Kester and if a trained professional missed it, how could they see it.

"I let him down." Rae answered in a small voice.

"We both did." Chloe shared the blame with Rae and Finn had to physically stop himself from rolling his eyes; he felt like the effort might give him a brain haemorrhage.

"It's no one's fault." Finn soothed through gritted teeth. The two girls kept their eyes on Liam, Rae appreciating Finn's words and Chloe dismissing them.

"Where's his family?" Rae asked astounded.

"Eli was here earlier." Chloe said, "No one knows where his mum is."

"And his dad's been gone for a while." Rae nodded her head and sighed. "I wonder if Kester knows."

"He was here earlier too." Chloe said.

"How's he taking it?" Rae asked curiously, wondering if Kester hitting on Elsa was part of his grief response. She'd learned that grief and other strong emotions could make you act strangely.

"He's quite upset." Chloe said, "But keeping it together."

"How was Eli?"

"She's devastated Rae. She adores Liam."

"I know." Rae stroked Liam's hair again "He was always good to Eli." Rae remembered, "Always stuck up for her, never lost his patience with her or said a cross word to her. He loved her so much."

"What are we gonna do?" Chloe asked despondently, "Izzy…? Liam…?" Her eyes strayed up to Rae, "Saul and Ian and Ben…?" Finn looked over at the girls, his heart heavy and his guts churning, he saw Rae walk around the bed to Chloe, taking her into her arms comfortingly and Chloe sunk into Rae's arms gratefully.

"I dunno." She said slowly, "We keep waiting I guess." Rae stroked Chloe's hair gently, "and try to heal ourselves Chlo."

'Sex Type Thing' by Stone Temple Pilots

Finn punched the bag violently, his shirt wet with sweat, his feet bare, he liked to box with bare feet and Rhys sometimes indulged him in this. Sweat dripped from his face and he kept punching as hard as he could, enjoying the fact that he had been given the clear to start boxing hard from Dr Kraus. Technically, the sex he'd had with Rae the other day wasn't allowed by Dr Kraus' schedule – he was supposed to have been on medium level activities. But who could resist fucking Rae hard when she was being such a tease? And he knew that he was fine to do it. He could feel his body returning to full strength. He could feel that he was pretty much finished mending; not quite there, but almost. He only had a few liver function tests left, and so far everything had been ticking along ahead of Dr Kraus' schedule. Behind Finn's schedule, but there was only so much he could do after such a severe injury; his body just hadn't been capable of healing any quicker. Rhys braced the bag and encouraged Finn to hit harder.

Archie wandered in with Rae and Chloe, Finn had asked him to pick them up so he could get a workout in before they started. Rae had insisted they start self-defence classes again, had even requested Rhys specifically and Finn had been delighted by that. She'd insisted that Chloe come along too; mobilising everyone against the inertia of waiting as much as she could.

Archie saw Tom and jogged over to him with a big grin to start his training session. Rae and Chloe watched him go chatting to each other about how good looking Tom was.

They started to meander across the gym, Rae's eyes on Finn as he punched the bag, running through a series of different punches.

Why is he so sexy?

Why?

How are my ovaries supposed to survive the onslaught of delicious manliness?

Look at the way is body moves… and his muscles…

Rae's face turned to that tragic look of horniness and Chloe rolled her eyes but grinned. She found that she could look at Finn more objectively now. Her feelings for him were slowly fading and as they did, she realised that perhaps she really had loved the idea of him. She knew that she had almost worshipped him as the ideal, so it made sense that her feelings would get mixed up. She couldn't pretend that she didn't still have an ache inside for him. But it wasn't the same as it once had been. She was more at peace with her feelings now; and the ache inside of her felt less focused on Finn and more focused on the desire to move forward and find love again… or even just sex would be nice. With someone that wasn't a horrible human being. She didn't know if she needed a relationship, but she wanted what Rae and Izzy had; sex that wasn't just emotionally traumatising. She was starting to feel that old desire in the pit of her stomach. Not that she had any desire yet to actually do anything about that feeling. She just acknowledged she felt it; like Kester was teaching her, acknowledging how she felt was important. Chloe looked over at Rae, she was still staring at Finn with that same face.

Finn stopped boxing when he saw them. He straightened up out of his fighting stance and waved at Rae. He used his teeth to take his gloves off and the girls saw him start to talk to the guy with him.

"You're still not at full strength." Rhys said, unimpressed with Finn's progress. "You're hitting the bag far too softly. Might as well be making love to it."

"I know." Finn was equally as unimpressed wanting that last 10% of healing to be done so he could be at full strength. So he could add strength.

"You been skipping running too much, and your weight training is also suffering."

"Gotta look after Rae." Finn said as he dropped the gloves into his bag. Rhys turned his eyes to the girls that Finn was looking at and nodded that he understood how that would take time out from Finn's rehabilitation schedule.

"Nonetheless, you'll have to try harder."

"Aye." Finn agreed as he began un-taping his hands.

"So you said before you wanted to gain strength?" Finn nodded and Rhys handed him a towel to wipe the sweat off his face. "What's your goal?" Finn looked at Rhys and nodded toward Rae.

"How much do you think she weigh?" Rhys evaluated Rae with his excellent eye for human bodies.

"About 90 kilos. 100 at most." Finn nodded, he'd thought that same.

"That's my goal."

"You want to be able to move your girl around, lift her?" Finn nodded.

"How much muscle mass will I have to put on? I kinda like my size now."

"That's not a problem." Rhys replied, "Ever heard of Halil Mutlu?" Finn shook his head. "Won gold at the'96 Olympics in weightlifting. He lifted three times his own weight above his head, Finn. Fucker only weighs fifty something kilos." Finn raised his eyebrows.

"That's not bad." Finn marvelled.

"We just gotta build your core strength." Rhys grinned, up for the challenge and Finn nodded his agreement to whatever Rhys was planning.

"I'll make time." Finn tried to figure out where he'd be fitting this in and watched Rae talking animatedly to Chloe.

"Who's that guy with Finn?" Chloe asked.

"Dunno." Rae looked at him, "S'pose it's probably Rhys."

"He's huge!" Chloe said as if she were appalled at the size of him. Rae nodded.

"But kinda sexy." She looked at Chloe, trying to see if her best mate was testing the waters with boys yet.

"I s'pose." Chloe shrugged.

"Not your type?"

"I don't know if I got a type anymore." Chloe said looking tragically disturbed by that. "I think my type is now officially, 'a guy who's not a jerk.' Looks are nothing in comparison to a guy who's not a wanker."

"Ah wouldn't it be nice?" Chloe laughed at Rae's response and slung an arm around her waist.

"So I suppose he's fit. But is he a jerk or no?" Chloe grinned, "That's where it's at."

"Well Finn likes him."

"Well that's a good start." Chloe agreed, "One point for Rhys."

"If in fact that is Rhys." Rae reminded her.

"Ah! A strike against him." Rae gave Chloe a quizzical look, "Too mysterious with his identity." Chloe explained and Rae chuckled. They watched Finn and the huge black man chatting and then they looked over and started to walk towards them. Rhys towered over Finn and looked to be carved from stone. Except for his bright blue goatee and green nail polish he was a picture of discipline and hardness.

"This is Rhys." Finn introduced him to Chloe and Rae.

"This is your trainer?" Rae asked in suitable awe at Rhys' appearance close up, "no wonder you're so good." Finn raised his eyebrows at Rae as she stared at Rhys openly. Rhys gave a wry smile and shook his head.

"Finn's only as good as he pushes himself to be." Rhys answered seriously. Rae had to stop herself from giggling; she was remembering Archie telling her about how serious Rhys was.

"This is Rae." Finn said with a fond grin, and Rhys cocked an eyebrow.

"Obviously." Finn pulled a face at him and watched the way he appraised Rae.

"I'm Chloe." Chloe's eyes hadn't left Rhys. There was something reassuring in is calm, disciplined demeanour. Finn saw a small smile touch the corner of Rhy's mouth.

"Nice to meet you both." He appraised Chloe for a moment and then turned his eyes back to Rae, figuring out what his course of action was going to be. He could see their trepidation, could gauge how healthy and strong they were by the way they held themselves.

"Depending on who you believe somewhere in between 1 in 10 and 1 in 3 women will be sexually assaulted in her lifetime." Rhys said seriously, his eyes moving between the two girls, knowing that both of them had suffered sexual assault. "I don't know which figure is more right. But I do know that I have not met a woman that hasn't been abused by a man in some way." Rhys straightened his spine as he thought about this, hating the way it made him feel about his whole sex, "mental, emotional, verbal, physical, sexual abuse." He looked into the distance. "You include it all and every single woman I have ever met has suffered abuse at the hands or mouths of men. And I suspect that figure will hold true if you asked every woman on the planet." He turned his eyes to Rae and then Chloe. "Now I don't know why these figures are so high. But what I do know is that women are not safe because of men. And by and large, men are not taking responsibility for their actions. That leaves women with very limited options." His mouth tightened, hating that this was a fact. "In my view, learning proper self-defence is one of the better options. Learn how and when to use your body as a weapon. And beat the shit out of any fucker that doesn't heed your 'no.' " He grinned broadly and Rae felt herself really liking Rhys.

"That's easy for you to say." Chloe answered defensively, "Look at the size o' you." She looked him up and down.

"I weigh over double what you weigh." He acknowledged. "But with the right training you could beat an assailant my size."

"But not you?" Chloe asked.

"No. Not me." He looked her in the eye, "but you don't have to worry about me."

"Why not you?"

"Because I'm training you and thus I'll always be at least one step ahead of you."

"Unless I get better that you." Chloe said with a strange tone.

"I hope you do." Rhys ginned, "in fact I look forward to it Chloe." He looked around the boxing joint, "but no one in Lincolnshire could teach you that. Go to London though, and you'll find some people better than me…" He smiled and she smiled back, unable to stop herself.

"Elsa said you were the best." Rae said softly and Rhys raised an eyebrow. Finn looked at Rae surprised, and Chloe watched Rhys's face closely.

"Of course you know Ms Elsa." He grinned, "You're from her school."

"Ms Elsa?" Finn asked him with a look of incredulity.

"I could call her Ms King, but you know how she hates her last name." Rhys smiled, "and that woman most definitely requires a title. So Ms Elsa it is."

"How do you know Elsa?" Chloe asked.

"We first met in London." Rhys said. "She got me out of some very deep shit. I owe her my life." He looked Rae up and down, "She told you to tell me to teach you?"

"Something like that." Rhys smiled at her response.

"These self-defence lessons are free." He said firmly and Finn started to protest but Rhys waved him off. "Elsa rarely calls in a favour. The lessons are free."

"Thank you." Rae said warmly and he nodded slowly.

"Right, so let's start at your most vulnerable spot." He said to Rae and Chloe, "What part of you do you fear being attacked the most? What's the spot you feel you can defend the least?" He watched both girls put their hands to their throats unconsciously.

"My throat." Rae felt the scar along her neck and turned her eyes to Finn. Chloe nodded in agreement.

"Let's start there then." He knew from Finn that Rae's throat hat been cut, a shallow wound, but on the neck, even a shallow wound was dangerous. Armed with this knowledge he turned to Chloe, not wanting to intimidate Rae.

"Will you be my partner?" He asked her and she nodded, slightly scared; she'd been hoping she'd be Rae's partner. Chloe came and stood next to him and Rae went and stood next to Finn.

"Right." Rhys said brusquely, his eyes on Rae, "imagine he grabs you by the throat, front on." He reached out for Chloe's throat but she stepped back.

"No!" She said before she had realised she was going to speak. He turned his face to look at her, "I'm sorry!" She frantically said, "I mean… I didn't mean to-"

"It's fine." His eyes re-appraised her. Chloe wished she could read the look on his face. "Your 'no' does not need and apology nor an explanation." He said calmly. "Your 'no' stands on its own. It is a complete sentence." He stood square on to her and saw her shrink visibly from him so he adjusted to stand more side on. "If you don't want to do this part that is more than alright." He said firmly, "The point of this training is to enforce that no one touches you without your permission." His voice resonated with Chloe, "even your instructor." She let out her held breath and shook her head.

"No, I wanna do it." She said suddenly, "I need to." She almost whispered. Rhys nodded and slowly turned himself square on. He saw the fear in her eyes but saw her stand her ground. Rae and Finn watched as he taught Chloe alone now.

"If he grabs you around your throat, front on." Rhys slowly raised his hand to her throat, nodding before he touched her, waiting for her to nod back. After a pause she slowly nodded and he gently put his hand on her throat. Chloe's hands instantly shot up to his to pull him off and he let her remove his hand. She shook her head. Finn turned his eyes to Rae, who had her hand near her throat protectively, her eyebrows furrowed. He wondered how she would do when it was her turn to do this exercise.

"Maybe we can do the throat grabs another day?" Finn suggested, "There's a lot o' ground to cover." Rhys turned his eyes to Finn and nodded thoughtfully.

"Agreed." Rhys answered, thinking he would have to plan his lessons carefully for these girls; they had both been deeply traumatised.

"No." Chloe insisted.

"No, we need to do this." Rae agreed. Rhys turned his eyes to Finn and saw Finn shrug, not knowing what the best thing to do was either.

"Would it be better to do throat grabs from behind?"

"From behind doesn't bother me much." Chloe said honestly; all of Ian's attack had been front on. Ben's too.

"Much worse for me." Rae piped in and Rhys and Finn shared another look. But Chloe unexpectedly grabbed Rhys's hand and put it on her throat. She closed her eyes but saw Ian choking her in her mind's eye, and had to open them, and she saw his hazel eyes looking at her empathetically, calmly, patiently. She felt that his fingers were loose, not gripping her at all, he was just letting her put his hand wherever she wanted. She shook as she held his hand at her throat for a moment longer, letting her heartbeat slowly lower. He waited for her, making no sign that she was taking too long. Rae looked on keenly, not sure if she'd be as brave as Chloe was when it was her turn.

Slowly, Chloe lowered her hands, Rhys's hand left on her throat, he nodded encouragingly and she smiled triumphantly when she finally got her hands to her side.

"If that fucker grabs my throat head on." Chloe said venomously, "How do I fuck him up Rhys?"

'Bad' by U2

Rae still ached from this morning's session with Rhys. He was not a kind and generous trainer like Finn, who was a total softie when it came to her. Rhys pushed her hard. She could see why Finn and Elsa had wanted him to train her and Chloe though. She understood more about her centre of gravity, the lines her body needed to make to support herself and her actions when hitting, and balance after just 10 minutes with Rhys than she had learned in her whole life. But Rhys was uncompromising, patient, but demanding. Whatever he told them he expected them to obey. Rae was to jog more, Chloe was to take dancing up again: cardiovascular exercise that they both enjoyed. No questions asked, just do it. Finn was going to take her jogging every second morning now. Rhys had told Chloe and her to increase their food intake because they were increasing their physical activity, and Rae hadn't needed telling twice; she was starving after that workout and she was starting to understand how Finn could put away so much food. Finn and Rhys had talked a long time about the food thing, Rae didn't understand why Finn had taken Rhys off when they'd finished the session to talk about it, but she had noticed that he was piling her plate full of food. She'd have to ask him about it. She looked in the mirror and straightened her arm, tensing every muscle and pushing it through the air like Rhys had shown her, she saw the line her body made and saw the power in it; her whole body would support a punch thrown like this. She grinned at her reflection feeling powerful. That's what Rhys's discipline gave her; the feeling of real power within herself. She pushed forward her other arm and saw that her body angle was different, wrong, she figured out how to correct herself in the mirror and felt quite triumphant when she could move both sides as equally well. She grinned and grabbed the towel she'd dropped on the floor to do this mini practice, as Finn sauntered in from the bathroom. He leaned against his door, a towel wrapped around his waist, watching Rae wrap the towel around her hair and sort through her bag for clothes. He sighed deeply; he loved the way the sun looked across her naked body, but the curtains were always closed now. Always. Even if he opened them up, within minutes she'd closed them. Finn closed the door as he pushed those thoughts away and laid down on the bed watching her put on underwear, the experience of watching her dress, being strangely erotic.

But not nearly as erotic as slowly undressing her and making very gentle love to her.

Which is what I did.

And it were brilliant.

Being inside Rae is like… well there's nothing like it.

Finn looked at the clock.

About 25 minutes ago.

I'll never get tired of seeing her, or of touching her.

She hummed a tune under her breath as she found out some pants she wanted to wear.

I'll never get tired of that voice.

Everything about her always seems to be brand new and an old favourite at the same time.

How does she do that?

"I like that dress." He said and she looked down at it, really seeing it for the first time.

"Oh." She said suddenly disgusted. It was the dress she'd worn when she'd lost her virginity to Liam. She took it off and flung it to the ground.

"Why-"

"I don't wanna wear it."

"I can see." He said confused.

"I don't wanna talk about it." She sighed, knowing that they eventually would, "ok fine… that were the dress." She said softly and sorted through her bag. She found another dress, similar in style but blue.

"That were the dress…?" Finn gave her a confused look and then it suddenly crashed through his chest. "Oh." He said as he felt the pain and rage rising in him. He looked down at the dress.

"You wanna throw it out?"

"Aye. But mum'd kill me." She looked in his mirror as she dried her hair. "It's pretty new." She explained. Finn looked back at the dress.

"Well you looked real beautiful in it." He tried, but he knew it would take more than that to undo the damage that had been inflicted upon her in that dress.

"It used to be one of me favourites." She looked down at the blue dress, "but I like this one too."

"Aye, you look beautiful in blue too. Brings out the little green fleck in your eyes." He grinned and Rae smiled feeling oddly beautiful and stunning.

"I didn't know you looked that closely at me."

"Course I do." He noticed how pleased she was and revelled in her smiles, her happiness. She sat down on the bed and looked down at him, lying in his towel, his hands behind his head. She was about to tell him how sexy he was when Janice knocked on the door.

"You can come in." Finn said as reached up and gently tugged on Rae's hair, she grinned at him as Janice popped her head around the door.

"They just called to say they'll be here in about 10 minutes." She told them and spotted a seemingly empty glass on Finn's bookshelves and went over to retrieve it. "I'll just take that downstairs."

"No don't!" Finn jumped up and took the glass from her hand.

"Ok…" She said slowly as she looked from Finn to Rae. Rae shrugged in response to her questioning face. "I'll just leave that with you then." She left the room gracefully and Rae turned to Finn the moment the door was closed. He looked embarrassed as he looked down into the glass. She walked over to him and put her hands over his, looking into the glass she saw a few small black specs at the bottom. He looked up at her.

"It's me mum's letter." He looked back down at it. Rae stroked his face gently, feeling that this letter had caused so much pain, she wished it was gone.

"You should give it back to your dad. It belongs to him."

"He's not gonna want a few pieces o' ash."

"Yeah he will." Rae kissed his lips gently and slowly took the glass from him, putting it on his table. She held his face in between her hands. "You have to let go of that letter." She whispered to him, "Not just the ash over there, but what was written in it, ok?" Finn's eyes flitted back over to the glass.

"But how?"

"Dunno." She looked at the glass, "practice."

A few minutes later Finn and Rae walked into the kitchen to see Gary and Janice looking into the oven together, discussing the roast beef and deciding how much more time it needed.

"I think you're right Gary," Janice was saying, "it'll only be another 20 minutes, and it'll be perfect. Like all your food is."

"Oh go on, Miss Harcourt." He blushed and skewered another part of the roast to see what colour the juices were. "Your cooking is far better than mine." He added with a cheeky, dimpled grin.

Finn sauntered into the kitchen and looked at them, glancing back at Rae, she shook her head as if to ask 'who do they think they're fooling?'

"Careful Janice he says stuff like that to all the pretty girls." Finn joked and his father shot him an unimpressed look before turning back with a grin to Janice.

"Not all o' them." He raised an eyebrow before standing up and closing the oven. Janice blushed slightly, smiling happily and turned way, seeing Rae giving her that look she narrowed her eyes at her.

"Da, can I have a word?" Gary nodded and stayed in the kitchen while Janice turned to give him a quizzical look, seeing the glass in his hand. "It's fine, you can hang around." He told her and Janice sat with Rae at the kitchen table, all neatly set up for dinner that night. Finn looked down at the glass, unable to speak he simply stood there staring at those small pieces of ash. Gary looked down at the glass, attempting to understand what was going on with his son. Finn squeezed the glass tightly and then handed it to his father.

"That's what's left of mum's letter." He said sadly. Gary looked in the glass at the specs of ash. Janice made a small sound of understanding and Rae took her hand, as much for her own comfort as Janice's.

Gary stared at the ash for a long time. Finn standing before him, waiting for hash words, anger, sorrow, anything but this silence.

Gary looked up at Finn and put his arms protectively around his shoulders.

"Oh my boy." He mumbled forlornly, "You shouldn't have had to carry this." He leaned over to the kitchen sink and put on the tap. He filled the glass with water and Rae saw Finn's body heave with sorrow. Janice squeezed Rae's hand as they watched silently.

Gary rinsed the glass and made sure all the ash went down the drain. He turned to Finn.

"Your mother was more to me than that letter. Don't you think on burning it anymore alright?" A tear fell from Finn's eye as he looked down, "Listen to me son, your mother was more than the illness that took her away from us." He put his hands on Finn's shoulders, "I was wrong to hold onto that letter. I was holding onto the wrong stuff." He pulled Finn into a hug and Rae looked over at Janice, who was clearly very moved by what she had seen.

"I wanna find her dad." Finn said softly and Gary nodded in response.

"Then we'll find her." Gary hugged Finn and Rae turned her eyes to Janice, who was looking down thoughtfully. Rae squeezed her hand and she looked up and gave Rae a sad smile. Rae saw understanding in Janice's eyes; the knowledge that she never really had had a chance with Nelson senior. Rae had to sniff to keep herself under control and Gary cleared his throat as he turned to the table.

"D'you think it'll pass inspection?" Gary asked Rae.

"Looks great." She grinned trying to not show her sorrow for Janice.

"Will I pass inspection?" Gary joked.

"Hmmm." Rae scrunched up her face in mock thought, "I don't think so." He gave her a cheeky smile and continued his train of thought.

"Right, the food's all halal." He checked off his mental list, "the music is 80s pop." Finn pulled a face but Gary ignored it, "the ashtrays are out." He looked at Rae, "Anything I shouldn't talk about?"

"I think I should o' had that talk with me mum, not you."

On cue there was a knock on the door. Janice and Gary went out to the door but Finn dawdled with Rae.

"You alright girl?" He asked.

"I should be asking if you're ok."

"Bit emotional." He acknowledged. "But I know you been dreading tonight."

"Well you know me mum."

"Aye I know your mum." He shook his head, "Now you got me dreading it!" They chuckled secretly together.

"Look Finn, tonight could go real bad…" Her tone suddenly serious.

"Whatever happens, you just remember I love you." He kissed her lips softly and she smiled, mystified as to how she managed to be lucky enough to have him.

"I love you Finn Earl." She told him and he grinned at the way she used her surname and his first name. "What are you grinning at?"

"Everything about you is mint." He replied cheerily and took her hand, leading her to the lounge room.

When Rae came in she gave her mum a determined look; they had been arguing nonstop since Linda had decided to start curtailing Rae's time with Finn. Every time Linda tried to do it, Rae would take off to Finn's house. A situation Linda was not impressed with. Rae went over and took Aiesha from her mother as Gary welcomed Linda and Karim into his home. He settled them down with a glass of non-alcoholic wine and canapés.

"It's all halal." Gary told Karim, hoping that his painstaking research on this topic had produced accurate results.

"Thank you." Karim said as he clinked glasses with Gary. He tasted the drink and smiled, "is good!"

"How did you and Karim meet?" Janice, in a light pink cocktail dress that hugged her petit hourglass figure, her caramel hair falling in waves down her back, her almost aqua blue eyes alight with interest, seated on the edge of her favourite chair, her ankles folded, her hands in her lap, looked like a picture of perfection. Linda's eyes fell upon her with an unimpressed look before they flicked to Rae as if to say; 'this is the kind of women these Nelson men want.' Rae read that look loud and clear and narrowed her eyes at her mother in distaste.

"We met at the club." Linda kept her answered deliberately brief, wanting to avoid all the information about the previous illegal status of Karim. Janice nodded as if that answered everything and then tried again to get conversation flowing.

"Rae tells me you got married in Tunisia before getting married again here?" Janice smiled winningly, "How romantic!"

"Not really, just two weddings to organise!" Linda dismissed her but still sounded pleased and Janice seized upon that.

"Rae tells me that the wedding dress you wore for your wedding here was very beautiful?" Janice stopped herself from saying something about Linda's lovely figure; it had been made clear to her that it was weird for her to gush over other women's bodies when she'd just met them.

"Oh well yes." Linda nodded her head pleased. Finn settled back on the lounge with Rae, taking Aiesha from her and looking down at the curious baby. She reached up for his nose and he lowered his face so she could grab it. Finn could still hold her in one arm, so he laced the other one around Rae and they leaned into each other while they entertained Aiesha. Gary was only half listening to Linda and Janice bang on about different types of lace for wedding dresses; his attention was mostly held by watching his son with the baby. He heard Finn call Aiesha 'little one' and felt his breath catch. Gary had called both of his children 'little one.' He watched as Finn talked to Aiesha softly and sometimes looked up at Rae, a huge, stupidly happy grin on his face. He watched the way Rae and Finn held each other, he saw Finn say 'I love you' quietly to Rae, saw Rae return those words. Gary had known for some time that this was a very serious relationship between his son and Rae, but seeing them with this baby had hammered that point home. Gary knew with absolute clarity that he was looking at his future daughter in law. He looked up at Linda and sighed. He knew that Linda was concerned about the amount of time Rae and Finn were spending together. He understood that any reasonable parent would be, but he also knew that trying to interfere with them was only going to push them both away. Finn would drop out of school and work to pay for an apartment before he'd be told that he couldn't spend a night with Rae. Gary looked over at Karim and saw that he was watching Rae and Finn in the same way that he himself had just been.

"So how did you and Gary meet?" Linda asked, warming to Janice finally.

"Through Finn." Janice said, not realising the implication in Linda's question. Gary blushed and lowered his eyes.

"Eh mum, they're not together." Rae explained hurriedly.

"Oh." Linda looked at Janice, confused, "Then…?"

"Oh!" Janice laughed understanding the misunderstanding, "No. No." She shook her head blushing, "No I rent a room here."

"You're a tenant?" Linda asked, "Why are you coming to a family dinner then?"

"Janice is part of our family." Finn asserted calmly in the voice he reserved for Linda, "she belong here." Janice shot a sweet smile in Finn's direction and turned her blushing face back to Linda. Rae noticed Gary's lowered face and watched him gently straighten his shirt, as if to draw attention away from his blush.

"I met Finn when he was in Leeds." Janice explained, "And then when I got a job here, Gary was very kind in offering me his spare room." Linda nodded slowly, her eyes passing between Janice and Gary.

"When's the food gonna be ready dad, I'm starving?" Finn wanted to stop any possible comment Linda was about to make.

"Hi starving, I'm dad!" Gary returned jovially. Karim laughed loudly at this but everyone else looked at Gary silently. Finn stared at his dad with a straight face as Karim chuckled, and then slowly shook his head.

"How old's your little one there?" Gary tried to fix the awkwardness as he looked over at Aiesha.

"Nearly six months." Linda replied more warmly.

"She is a little cutie." He grinned and watched Finn bobbing her up and down as she made happy noises. A slightly melancholy smile crossed his face that Rae understood, but she hoped her mother hadn't seen it.

"If you don't mind me saying." Linda looked at Gary astutely, "You seem too young to have a son Finn's age."

"Oh well, I don't hide the fact that he was an unexpected surprise when I was quite young, but one of the best things to ever happen to me." He looked over at Finn who was giving him a foreboding look, Gary suddenly fretted that he'd said the wrong thing.

"So it runs in the family then?" Linda asked pointedly. Finn felt Rae's body grow tense beside him.

"Pardon?" Gary asked bewildered.

"Being a bit of a lothario… runs in the family?"

"The fuck's a lothario?" Finn asked Rae under his breath, but he could feel her shaking with anger, her whole body tense, her teeth gritted.

"I'd hardly call myself a lothario Mrs Bushtat." Gary answered, clearly offended, "I've been celibate for the last seven years and Finn's mother is the only woman I've ever been with." He stared her down, "So if it runs in the family, I might suggest that you've got nothing to worry about when it comes to Rae's heart in my son's hands, and that Finn deserves quite a bit more respect from you." There was a deathly silence following Gary's words in which both Finn and Janice had to take a moment to process what Gary had said. Rae opened her mouth, unsure what she was going to say, but she was sure it was going to be something that blasted the hell out of her mother, but the timer on the oven went off loudly.

"The food's ready!" Janice declared happily and reached a hand out to Linda and the other to Rae, "Why don't we girls serve up the food and leave the men to look after little Aiesha. Rae stood up and indicated to her mother that she had to come too. Linda stood up stiffly and followed Janice and Rae from the room.

"She meant no harm dad." Finn said softly when the kitchen door had closed, "she just looking out for Rae."

"I'm sorry son. I don't mean to upset your future mother in law, but I won't leave things like that unchallenged." Gary turned his face to Karim as Finn realised that his father was already considering Linda and Karim as his in-laws. Finn couldn't help but grin as he watched his father apologise to Karim. Karim was gracious in the way he accepted the apology, but made no apologies for Linda, because while he didn't agree with Linda on this topic, she was his wife, and he would back her 100% in public. In the privacy of their own home, he might argue about this, but not here. Finn knew and understood all of that, and respected Karim deeply for the way he handled things like this.

Finn, being closest to the kitchen, could hear that Rae and Linda were arguing and he took a deep steadying breath and held Aiesha to his chest as she started to doze. Gary and Karim started a conversation about Tunisia's rich history and Finn listened for any sign that Rae needed him.

Moments later Janice invited them to come and sit at the dining room table. Finn sat down at the table next to Rae, sitting a sleeping Aiesha in his lap carefully. Gary sat at the head of the table next to Rae and Janice took up residence at the other end of the table, leaving Linda and Karim to sit opposite Finn and Rae.

"We're entered into a one act play in London." Rae said as cheerily as she could muster, as Gary cut up the beef roast and Janice put vegetables on everyone's plates. "Finn has to act in it." She grinned at Finn who was already eating the roast pumpkin Janice had put on his plate, stabbing at it with his fork, the other arm protectively around Aiesha.

"Aye, I get to play Daryl… which is…"

"McDuff."

"McDuff, in the original. Best bit is Bill ended up getting Ben, which is Macbeth, so I get to kill that fucker."

"Watch your language in front o' her." Rae admonished and he grinned guiltily.

"Sorry little one." He kissed her forehead and kept eating.

"It's a contemporary adaptation of Macbeth." Rae explained.

"And why are we happy to be killing Bill?" Janice asked amused.

"Phillip." Rae corrected.

"Ah cos he riles me up all the time." Finn shook his head, "He got a thing for Rae and he goes after her like a lion after a zebra."

"He's not quite that bad." Rae said, "But." She saw that Finn was about to retort and stopped him, "He does chase me." Rae acknowledged and Finn was satisfied with that.

"And he does it in front o' me." Finn said pointedly.

"You've got another boy interested in you?' Linda asked Rae with interest.

"Several." Finn replied. "Mike," Finn looked at Rae with a mildly unimpressed expression, "who you and Chloe and Izzy call 'hot Mike' when you think us lads can't hear you." Rae blushed and looked down, "wants to shag you."

"Yeah I heard." Rae was not going to argue with him about this topic again; she was acutely aware of the damage she'd done with the Phillip issue.

"Macca's a little sweet on you." Finn shoved a piece of beef in his mouth, no one else had started eating yet; the food had not been fully served. "Josh likes you quite a bit, caught him looking down your top a few back."

"Why is it that when I were single, there was not a boy in sight? But now I'm taken, suddenly there's a glut of 'em!"

"It's what happens when you're happy." Janice answered, "Happiness attracts people."

"Can't argue with that." Rae replied.

Between them Rae and Janice managed to keep a conversation going for most of the meal. Karim took Aiesha for a spell and Finn cleared the table. Janice started to prepare dessert, leaving Rae alone to try and forward the conversation, but Linda was having one of it.

"I can see that you care very much about your son." She said curtly and Gary folded his hands on the table, aware that Linda felt she had something important to say. "And I am thankful for everything he's done for Rae, but it's time for her to start spending more time with her family and to focus on her grades, and to just go back to having a normal teenage life; one in which she can spend some time alone to get her own thoughts straight in her head. She deserves a well-rounded life." Linda looked at Rae and saw the angry red spots appearing on her cheeks, but she pressed on. "So I am asking you as one parent to another, to help me just curtail this a little. I don't want them to not be together, that's not the aim. Just that school nights should be spent in their own beds. Weekends I don't care." She looked at Gary sincerely, "I'm asking this because every time I attempt to restore order to Rae's life, she simply disappears to your house." Finn put his hand on Rae's thigh.

Just wait

He wrote to stop her from yelling at her mother. Finn needed to hear his father's answer. If it was the wrong answer they'd be leaving tonight; they'd stay at Chop's place until he got a job and sorted everything out.

"I would say Mrs Bushtat, that under normal circumstances, you're not asking for anything unreasonable." Gary replied calmly. Finn felt his fingers twitch, felt Rae's rage waltzing along a hair trigger. "I know that Rae's marks have stayed the same, and Finn's have improved." He addressed Linda's concerns, "And I wouldn't mind more family time," Gary agreed with her, "But that's the way it is when they grow up." Gary thought about what he was going to say, "I think all ideals of what a normal teenage life is and what we should do as parents went out the window when Rae got a stalker. And those ideals left forever when my son took a knife to the stomach to protect your daughter's life." Gary looked down at his hands. "I understand that you were away on important business during that time." Gary's voice thickened with emotion, "But your daughter was assaulted." Gary shook his head, "Things like that shouldn't happen." He muttered, "And my son nearly died. He was on life support on two separate occasions, cos there was a second bleed." Rae had to stop herself shuddering when she thought about how Finn had lost consciousness less than 20 minutes after he'd first told her he loved her. She'd watched them stabilise him and put him on life support. It had been a horrific moment in time that she didn't want to remember.

"He lost 42% of is blood," Gary continued, "and his liver was severely damaged. He's still not fully healed." Gary said all of this as calmly as he could, "I watched my son…" He held his emotion in check, "nearly die." He said finally, "All for Rae." He added meaningfully. "Everything's for Rachel." Rae lowered her eyes and Finn squeezed her thigh again.

"I'm not suggesting that Finn doesn't care for Rae." Linda answered, "I just want Rae to have a normal life."

"I want that for my son too." Gary agreed. "I do worry, like you Linda." Gary looked at Finn, "he takes a lot of risks for Rae. And they argue sometimes. And the two times they broke up he fled to Leeds cos he couldn't stand to be in the same town as her and not be with her." Linda's eyes turned to Finn. "I worry." He acknowledged, "I worry that it's too much too soon. I worry what will happen if they break up again." And then Gary shrugged, "But then I look at Rae. The young woman he goes through all o' this stuff for." He smiled warmly at Rae, "There's a lot of things in Finn's life that I worry about. But Rae's not one of them." He nodded resolutely, "I'm as sure of her as he is." He turned his eyes back to Linda and Rae felt a genuine love in her heart for Gary, "I'm not gonna interfere with my son's relationship." He shook his head, "I'm sorry, but I won't help you there. I may be his father, but it would be overstepping my mark. My son's a man now. He makes his own decisions." Gary looked over at his son with real pride, "and he's a good man. And I trust his decisions." Gary looked back at Linda, "So I suggest you talk to him and Rae about this. Not me."

Linda narrowed her eyes slightly, taking in everything Gary had said.

"I'm not saying that they don't love each other. Or that they shouldn't be together." Linda said softy and turned to her eyes to Rae, "I'm just saying… You got time Rae. Slow down."

Gary leaned over the table and took Linda's hand.

"I think we understand each other perfectly Linda." Gary smiled reassuringly at her. "Cos if it were up to me, I'd have them slow down too." He looked over at Finn, "but it's not up to me. And if I'm honest, I certainly didn't take that advice when I was his age." He smiled reminiscently, "And Kenzie was the best decision I ever made." He lowered his eyes, "Most painful too." He mumbled.

"I just want the best for you Rae." Linda pleaded with her to understand.

"I know mum." Rae answered, her anger lessening.

"And I don't want to see you cry like that again."

"I don't know what to say to you mum." Rae answered, "I belong with Finn." Rae shrugged and wished her mum would just understand.

"You trusted me to look after Rae when we was right worried about Saul." Finn said to Linda gently, "you can still trust me." Linda turned her eyes to Karim not knowing what to say to them and wishing he could offer her some guidance. Karim looked down at his sleeping daughter and then over to Rae and Finn. He wished his English skills were stronger. He sighed and spoke in French again, expecting Rae to help translate.

"J'ai entièrement confiance dans le couple formé par Rae et Finn." Karim tried to tell her.

"Vous parlez français?" Janice asked as she returned to the table with dessert.

"Oui! Vous aussi?" Karim answered, happy to finally find someone who spoke his language.

"Mon père a insisté pour que je l'apprenne. Je connais l'arabe, le portugais et un peu de mandarin aussi!" Janice returned and then looked around at the table of people looking at her, wondering what they were saying. Rae had understood part of what they were saying, mostly she had caught that Janice spoke 5 languages.

"Peux-tu traduire pour moi?" Karim asked.

"Oui bien sûr!" Janice answered.

"Dîtes à ma femme que j'ai confiance en Rae et Finn. Mais je ne vais pas lui dire quoi ressentir." He turned to look at Linda as Janice spoke

"He says he trusts them." Janice said softly, "But that he won't tell you what to think."

"I knew you'd say that." She mumbled to him and he smiled lovingly at her. Even with the language barrier they understood each other perfectly. Karim turned to Janice.

"Vous parlez arabe?"

"Ouais." Janice nodded, "Très mal." She grimaced.

"Pouvez-vous le lire?" Karim asked hopefully.

"Ouais, mieux que je le parle!" Janice chuckled and then, looked at everyone. "He's asking about Arabic now, because I can read it." He explained.

"Je veux que Linda sache que la chose que je lui ai murmuré quand nous étions seuls sont les mots d'un grand poète arabe." He grinned, "Parce que j'ai grandi en apprenant les choses de l'amour par ce grand poète." He said softly. "C'était ce qui m'a fait croire en l'amour." Janice nodded, her mind working on the translation.

"He whispers the words of the Arabic poets he grew up reading to you." Janice said, "Reading their poetry is what made him such a romantic." Janice grinned and handed the dessert over to Gary, he started to cut the large tiramisu into smaller servings. Linda looked at Karim with a smile and tutted affectionately.

"Oh you." She mumbled and touched his face.

"Mon père m'a donné un poème de Khalil Gibran comme seul conseil qu'il m'ait jamais donné à propos de l'amour." Karim took a battered piece of paper out of his wallet and handed it to Janice. "Je veux le partager avec vous maintenant."

"He says his father gave him this poem by Khalil Gibran as advice about love. He wants to pass this advice on now."

Janice looked down at the poem, beautifully hand written onto the creamy paper. "It's in Arabic." She furrowed her brows and let her fingers follow the writing as she read it. Gary finished serving the dessert feeling that slowly things were working out; that these two families would somehow come together alright.

"Ok." Janice took a deep breath. "My Arabic is a little more rusty than I thought it was. But I think I'll be able to read it out, if you want me to?" Finn wrapped an arm around Rae's waist and picked up his spoon, starting to eat, again before everyone else. Karim nodded and Linda acquiesced with a small shrug.

"Alright." She looked back down at the poetry and read it slowly and clearly.

"When love beckons to you, follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams
as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully." Janice looked at the words and shook her head slowly, "That's so beautiful." Karim looked down the table at Rae and Finn. Gary nodded his head in understanding; this poem spoke to him on a very deep level; love had wounded him deeply but it also sustained him. He could ask for nothing less for his son than to know these extremes of love. Because that is what life is made up of.

Linda stared off as she considered Karim's poem. She knew that they were so young, and there was every chance of them falling out of love as she had with Victor. But she understood that she couldn't protect Rae from any of this.

"Alright." Linda said slowly to Rae, "but you two have got to spend as many nights at home as you do here." She commanded and Rae nodded her head slowly. "And you'll spend more time downstairs." She added.

"We do our homework in me room too mum."

"Do it downstairs." Linda countered and Rae slowly nodded her head again.

"Alright."

"Top dessert Janice." Gary changed the topic ineptly and Rae started to laugh. Finn chuckled and stroked Rae's hair gently. He had hated having to sit back while they tried to make his decisions for him. But being patient had yielded better results than he would have gotten by telling them all that what he and Rae did was none of their business. Karim took the poem from Janice and slowly handed it to Rae, his hands going around hers as she took it.

"Thank you." Rae looked down at the poem with reverence.

"Do you want me to write up an English translation for you?" Janice asked her.

"Yes please." But Rae kept the poem in her hands looking at the Arabic script scrawled across the page.

"You know, there's an exhibition of local artist opening at the arts centre this weekend." Gary tried again to lighten the mood, "D'you all want to come with me?"

"D'you know, I was thinking of starting the pottery class they offer." Linda said, "I'd love to come, I can have a bit of a look at how the centre's going with the new director."

"That's me." Janice said softly.

"Oh really?" Linda asked, keenly interested, "What do you think about doing some mums and bubs classes?"

"Or dads and bubs." Finn mumbled and Rae put her arms around him and squeezed him gently.

"I think it's a great idea!" Janice answered, "We should get together and talk about it."

The rest of the evening was strangely good, Janice and Linda ended up talking for hours about the arts centre; Rae has had no idea that her mother was so into that topic, and Karim and Gary had struck up their conversation about Tunisia again, Janice or Rae occasionally helping with a translation. Finn and Rae babysat Aiesha and talked softly together about homework, music, plans for the weekend, normal things. It was almost like having a normal life for a moment.

'You Belong to Me' by Bob Dylan

To demonstrate to Linda that Rae had meant what she said, Finn and Rae went to Rae's house when the evening was over.

They had stayed downstairs for an hour, chatting and playing with Aiesha before Linda and Karim settled in to watch television, and Rae and Finn decided it was time to be alone.

When they had climbed the stairs to Rae's room, she silently opened a drawer in her biggest set of drawers and took the clothes out, putting them on the floor; she'd figure out what to do with them later. Finn slowly grinned when he saw what she was doing. Without a word he took the clothes out of his backpack and put them in the drawer she cleared for him. She started on a second drawer but he drew her into his arms and kissed her. They slunk to the floor, their kisses slow and penetrating. She slowly undressed him, her fingers tingling along his skin as she removed his clothes, their eyes always locked, their pupils' huge with love and desire. Finn unbuttoned Rae's shirt and his eyes fell upon her necklace, he looked back up at her eyes as he finished undressing her and laid her down amongst the clothes from her drawers on the floor. He stroked her hair slowly, their eyes unable to look anywhere but at each other. He slowly, reverently, slid into her, marvelling at the gentle gasping intake of air it always elicited from her lips. He spent a long time, slowly thrusting into her and drinking in every molecule of her face, knowing that she drunk him in, in the same way.

"I fall more in love with you every day." She whispered to him and his insides screamed with joy.

"Rae." He breathed and she could sense the vulnerability in his tone, "your necklace." He stopped moving, and allowed his eyes to penetrate hers. "My Nan intended that to go to my wife." He said slowly, "I gave it to you, because I intend for you to be my wife." He stroked her hair, "Sometime in the future, when you least expect it, I will ask you, and I will put a ring on your finger if you tell me yes." He watched her eyes slowly blink and then refocus on his eyes. "These are not just words. I mean to spend the rest of my life with you. You understand me clearly?"

"Yes." She sighed contently.

"I'm completely at your mercy girl." He told her.

"I know." She whispered. He smiled slowly at her words; how long had she known? "On some level, I think I've always known what this necklace meant Finn." She told him almost silently. "But certainly since I lost it, when it was cut from my neck, I have understood perfectly what this necklace means to you and to me, since that day." Rae felt a peace inside of her; knowledge that she had found the one, that he loved her as much as she loved him. "There's a reason why I choose to wear it." She ran her hands up his back to his hair. "It's because without you I'm nothing. There's nothing Finn, if you're not in my life… there's nothing… I can't be without you. And those are not just words. You understand?" She shook her head and Finn saw the vulnerability and honesty in her eyes.

"Aye." He felt his breath leave him as he took her in again; knowing beyond any doubt that they were going to last.

"So I intend to say yes, when you ask me Finn." Finn's smile was still relieved, even though he had been sure she did love him as deeply as he loved her. It was terrifying to love her as deeply as he did; she could break him just by turning away from him. And all he could do was love her desperately. Finn slowly ground his hips into her, continuing their slow love making. Their lips met and in that kiss their future was laid out before them. It could be anything they chose, but it would be together.

'I Wanna Be Adored' by The Stone Roses

"Alright." He walked over to her and Chloe took a deep breath. "How much do you know about tennis?"

"Not a whole lot." Chloe acknowledged, "But I can hit the ball."

"Well that's a good start." He smiled encouragingly, as all around them pairings were figuring out tennis. Mr Buchanan had broken the first year PE class into pairs so they could play a mini mixed-doubles tennis tournament over the next few weeks. Chloe had been paired, rather luckily, with the Lincolnshire males singles champion Philip Seymour. And that would be alright, except he had a crush on Rae and was constantly riling up Finn. Although Finn did come on a bit strong around Phillip, so Chloe supposed Phillip was just giving as good as he got. Chloe watched him change his shirt and had to do a double take. Over the past six months Phillip had undergone somewhat of a transformation; she'd first noticed that the gawkiness in him was fading during the AFL exhibition match she'd seen. But even more so, he had grown into his body, his shoulders had broadened and his torso had grown tight and hard. He'd no doubt been working out, but there was something more: he'd become right proper manly. Chloe felt a slight pull at her innards as he tugged his white tennis shirt down over his abdominals and had to look away, internally bemoaning the fact that this hottie was deeply in trouble over her best mate, she looked back as he took a swig of water and looked for something in his bag. Phil looked up and saw her looking at him.

"What?" He asked, completely unaware of his own attractiveness.

"Nothing." Chloe said and lowered her eyes. Phil looked at her for a moment and shrugged.

"Alright." He said indifferent to her response, "Let's have a practice match then." He added bracingly.

"You'll kick my arse." Chloe said as she took the racket from him.

"I'll go easy on you." Chloe liked the way he said that; with no hint of ego.

"See that you do!" She laughed and he grinned. He hit the ball gently over the net to her and she whacked it back hard. He hadn't been expecting that, but even so he managed to hit it and send it sailing back into Chloe's side of the court. She hit it back, double handed, with as much force as she could muster and Phillip smashed it into her back corner sending it flying out of play. Chloe looked at the ball as it rolled away and then looked back at Phil as he pulled a ball out of his pocket and bounced it.

"So I think you Miss Gemmell know a lot more about tennis than you let on."

"Maybe a little." She answered cheekily and Phillip grinned. "You still beat me though." Chloe motioned to her back corner and Phillip shrugged.

"Lucky hit." He lied.

"Bullshit." Chloe chuckled and he broke out into a smile.

"You play at your best so I can see where you're at, yeah?"

"Alright." Chloe replied. He served gently, but not as gentle as previously, and she returned it easily. Their rally lasted for some time, Phillip slowly increasing the difficulty of his return shots until Chloe missed one.

"You're pretty good." Phillip commented. "Had lessons?"

"Five years of summer lessons." Chloe responded. "When I were a little girl."

"Why d'you stop?" He asked her as he tossed her a ball to see her serve.

"Because o' this." Chloe tried to serve and Phillip pulled a face.

"Oh god." He chuckled, "You've got a fucking awful serve!" Chloe laughed. She liked the way he sounded when he swore.

"So I picked up dancing instead." She called across the court to him. He tossed her another ball.

"Again." He said and watched her form closely. "Alright we're gonna have to work on that if we're gonna win." He jogged around the tennis net and came up to her.

"It's just a shitty school tournament." Chloe shook her head.

"Yeah but it turns out I'm quite competitive when it comes to tennis."

"Why?' Chloe asked with a cheeky grin, "You're not competing against Finn." She teased, enjoying the look he gave her.

"You went there huh?" He said with a mild disbelief and begrudging acceptance that he had put himself in this position by being so open about his affections for Rae and rivalry with Finn.

"Of course I did." She kept grinning cheekily at him and he found himself chuckling as she continued, "I gotta put you off your game somehow. Make myself look better."

"How about we both work at being the best, so we can kick everyone else's arse, win this shitty school tournament, and you can look good that way instead?"

"I suppose that's an option." Chloe conceded.

"Right, serve again." He ordered with an air of command that Chloe hadn't seen from him before. She liked it when he was confident like this. She served and he wiped his face. "It's your left foot." He said slowly.

"My old coach said I had a problem with me right shoulder." She countered.

"You do, but it starts in your left foot." He put his hands on her hips and squared her up, Chloe had been expecting her body to recoil from his touch, but it hadn't and she was so grateful as he now stood there so close to her, his breath tickling her face as he talked "You put too much weight on your left foot, your hips naturally cock to the left." Chloe felt a tingle down her spine, "You gotta counter that or else it puts your balance out." He took his hands off her hips and look at her feet. "Was Kelso your coach?"

"Yeah." Chloe answered, her eyes on him.

"Figures." Phil muttered, "He never looks at feet." He shook his head, "You could o' been a tennis star with a better coach."

"Maybe you could teach me?" Chloe tried to make herself sound less breathless, but Phil didn't notice how he affected her, he just produced another ball for her to hit.

"I'm not much of a teacher." He grinned, "Try again." He ordered. Chloe's whole body felt slightly off, he was right, she did put more weight on her left foot, and now she was acutely aware of it.

"I'm not sure where to start!" She laughed and he chuckled along with her. But she tried and the serve was a bit better, but too high.

"You'll need practice." He handed her another ball. "Again." He said firmly.

"Why do you think you're not a good teacher?"

"Me mum says I'm too mean." Phillip grinned, "Now do it again." He ordered.

"Does she mean the way you give orders?" Chloe asked and then tried to serve again. He gently grabbed her arm and dipped her shoulder.

"You're overcompensating with your shoulder now." He told her, "And yeah, that's what she means." He backed up to watch her. "Do it again."

"It's actually kinda sexy." Chloe said and then turned to serve pretty well. Phillip paused, looking at her, unsure how to take what she'd said. Chloe turned to him with a cheeky smile, "Maybe you should try teaching Rae tennis?" Phillip turned his eyes away, feeling a blush on his cheeks.

"You shouldn't boss people around." He said softly, "It's not polite."

"Yeah well fuck polite." Chloe responded and reached into his pocket for another ball. Phillip watched her as she got the ball from his pocket, confused about what was happening, and then watched her do another serve.

"You're balance is going left again. Watch it." He said sternly, "Again." He watched her serve again, but had no balls in his pockets now so he did another sweep of the court and pocketed as many of the balls as he could, the others he held, tossing them to Chloe as she practiced her serve.

"Do you really want me to teach you?" He asked after a few more minutes of watching her serve gradually improve.

"Yes." She said and turned to him. "I do."

"Alright." He lowered his eyes and thought of a time that was suitable. "What do you do Saturday mornings?"

"Tennis lessons now." Chloe saw him bite the inside of his mouth, a mannerism she often saw Finn display and felt herself grinning. He shook his head in disbelief.

"Alright." He replied. "6am?"

"You trying to kill me?" She said in mock anger.

"No." Phil answered in a tone that clearly denoted that he hadn't realised she was joking, "I'm sorry." He looked bewildered and Chloe laughed.

"How about 7 or even 8?"

"Oh." He said softly, looking down. "I want a decent amount time with you or it's not worth doing. And I got violin at 9." He looked up, "I can move that to Sunday though." He smiled, "that leaves me open till midday."

"Well consider yourself booked every Saturday until midday." Chloe grinned.

"Done." He answered, completely missing the flirting Chloe was doing, but that only endeared him to Chloe even more.

"So how am I gonna pay you?" She said with a hint of seduction.

"Oh I was just gonna do it for free." He shrugged, "It's not like I got teaching qualifications." Chloe had to stop herself from rolling her eyes at his naivety. She was sure she had been obvious enough that any red blooded male would have caught that. But it occurred to Chloe that Phillip was so enamoured with Rae that other women weren't on his radar.

"You got it bad for Rae huh?" She shook her head.

"Where did that come from?" Phil lowered his eyes.

"Real bad." Chloe laughed. "D'you think she knows?"

"No." Phillip said honestly, his face reddening. "I think she suspects though." He looked up at Chloe, "Does she ever say anything?"

"About you?" Chloe asked and Phillip nodded. "She's me best mate Phil, I'm not gonna tell you anything she says." Chloe answered firmly and served again.

"Fair enough." He answered, "I shouldn't o' asked you."

"You can ask me anything." Chloe said with an imperious look, "But I don't have to answer."

"Of course." He shuffled is feet and looked down.

"Got any other questions?" Phillip hesitated but looked up at her, wanting to know the truth.

"Those rumours going around… about you and Finn?"

"Not true." Chloe answered, sticking to her plan to never admit to that kiss for Rae's sake. "The rumours happened cos someone got wind that I were in love with Finn."

"You?" Phillip asked, "But Rae's your best mate."

"Things like that don't stop you from falling in love." Chloe retorted, "As you would know Phillip."

"Touché." He acknowledged and handed her a ball. "Again, do it better this time." Chloe served and turned to him.

"Why haven't you just talked to her?"

"I'm not ready for Rae to know for sure." He shook his head.

"Not ready for her to turn you down?"

"You don't know that she will turn me down."

"Yeah I do. And so do you if you're honest." Phillip shook his head slowly in response.

"Until she tells me no Chloe, I'm gonna have hope."

"You enjoy that." Chloe picked up a towel and wiped her face.

"So you love Finn and I love Rae." He chuckled.

"We're like the cast offs." Chloe agreed with a rueful smile, "O' course I don't actually love Finn. Just the idea of him."

"The idea of Finn? What the fuck would you love about that?" Phillip laughed.

"Ah you gotta know Finn to understand it." Chloe answered, "I know he don't look it to you, but he's a good bloke."

"I'll take your word for it." Phillip answered sceptically.

"He only come on strong around you, cos he devoted to her." Chloe retorted.

"So he should be." Phillip answered, "He gets to be with her. He should worship her."

"And he does." Chloe said sadly, "and that's what I want."

"Well you don't need a Finn for that."

"But I never seen any other guy love a girl like he does. So that's why… I love the idea of him."

"There's plenty o' guys out there that'd worship you Chloe. You're a top lass." Phillip said with a small smile.

"Well hopefully one o' these mythical guys you're talking about with see it soon." Chloe answered, "Cos I'm pretty tired o' waiting."

'Black' by Pearl Jam

Rae looked at herself in the mirror while Chloe knelt in front of her with Izzy's pinbear and several pins in her mouth, pinning up the hem of the dress.

"Hold the pinbear." Chloe said and Rae took the stuffed bear by the ear. Touching it anywhere else was deadly because it had hundreds of pins that Izzy used for dress making sticking out of it. When Chop had first seen the pinbear months ago, he had called it terrifying yet somehow cute. Izzy had enjoyed that and pinbear had stayed as part of her sewing kit with a place of honour.

Rae was taken with the detail in the dress, Izzy had sewn most of it by hand in hospital, and it was clearly intended as a formal dress for the summer ball.

"It's so beautiful." Rae breathed and Chloe nodded.

"She hand crocheted the lace on the back." Rae turned to look in the mirror and Chloe made an annoyed noise.

"Sorry." Rae stood still and Chloe continued to pin the hem.

"Thank you for this Chloe." Rae said, 'I know you did it for Izzy, but…"

"Izzy did most of the work." Chloe said honestly, "I'll just be sewing up the hem. But I think she wanted to do something on the hemline too. So I'll have to wait for her to wake up to ask her what she-" Chloe stopped short. And they both shared a moment of silence. Chloe finished up pinning the hem and looked up at Rae. "You can get changed now."

"Thanks." Rae went behind Chloe's room divider and changed clothes as Chloe packed up Izzy's things.

"I can't stand this waiting." Chloe suddenly snapped. "It's like it goes on forever Rae." She slammed the lid on Izzy's sewing box. "When will she wake up?" Rae stepped out from behind the divider and looked sympathetically at Chloe, "And when's Liam gonna wake up?" She sat on her bed despondently.

"And don't forget my favourite game when are they gonna come back and try to kill us?" Rae tried to say it jokingly but Chloe looked at her with a strange look in her eye.

"Ian can come back whenever he wants Rae." Chloe said, "Cos I'll fucking kill him if her ever lays a finger on me again."

"Good." Rae answered and Chloe looked up her, surprised.

"I thought you'd tell me not to think that way."

"Why would I say that?"

"I dunno." Chloe aid, "You want me to think positive?"

"I see no negativity in thinking about killing him." Rae sat down next to her.

"Do you think about killing Saul?"

"Sometimes." Rae answered, "And it sure beats thinking about him killing me."

"What was it like Rae?" Chloe tried to open Rae up about her trauma.

"You know what it was like." Rae mumbled.

"But he didn't hold a knife to me throat. Or cut me. Or nearly kill the love of my life."

"He didn't pass me around his friends." Rae answered softly, "what was that like?" Chloe shook her head.

"The worst." She answered honestly.

"Yeah. The worst." They hugged, urgently, deeply protective of each other. Chloe held Rae's face in her hands.

"We have to look after each other Rae."

"Aye." Rae agreed earnestly.

"And I want to tell you that I'm sorry about Finn again."

"You were forgiven ages ago."

"Yeah but I don't feel that way about him anymore Rae." Chloe said, "I want a Finn, not your Finn." She said happily, "understanding that has been one ray of light in my very cloudy world."

"You'll find a Finn." Rae said resolutely.

"You know Rae, some days even I believe that." Chloe took a deep breath and looked over at her clock. "C'mon, the lads'll be waiting for us."

Rae and Chloe linked arms as they walked down the street towards the Chippy.

When they walked in, Finn was already waiting, Tammy, the pretty girl that worked behind the counter was at the table changing the condiments and laughing with Finn. Rae knew that Tammy had a bit of a crush on Finn, but Finn was oblivious, so she said nothing to Finn about it. Besides, Tammy was lovely, and her little crush on Finn meant that the gang always got good discounts. They sat down, Rae and Finn sharing a kiss. Archie wandered in looking tired and unimpressed as another lad started to walk out. He stopped Archie, recognising him.

"Archie?" Archie looked at him blankly and then slowly recognition hit him.

"Barney." He said softly.

"The one and only Barnstable as Chop calls me." He grinned.

"Where have you been?" Archie asked with a small grin. This was the boy he'd kissed at the sexy party, the boy he'd spent all night talking to. The boy that he'd first really felt something for and had made him know he was gay.

"Oh me da were at an embassy in Indonesia. Fucking hot there!" He laughed and Archie grinned at him. "We should catch up some time." Barney grinned, "I quite liked your company."

"Yeah." Archie felt slightly awkward as Barney grabbed a pen from the counter and wrote his number down for Archie. He was in a loving relationship now, and he didn't know if he wanted to strike up a friendship with a person who had essentially been his first crush.

"Oh hey, there's my girlfriend." Barney nodded towards a pretty girl outside with some other girls. Archie sighed silently with relief. "I gotta go."

"Let me give you my number." Archie said feeling much easier now that Barney was off the table; he'd been sure he was gay at the party, but he must have been wrong. "I'll see you round Barney." He said as he handed him the paper with his number on it and wandered over to the table, his grumpy mood returning as soon as he turned from Barney.

"Alright?" Finn asked, noting the grumpy mood and Archie shrugged.

"Sick o' waiting." He said, "It's like you try to keep living your life, but there's this big terrible thing always in the corner of your eye." He let out a breath, "and you can't rest until you see it. Until you know."

"Aye." Finn said sympathetically.

'Hallelujah' by Jeff Buckley

Chop was looking out the window. The sun was rising and every time he saw that light enter the sky he felt a bitterness rise in his chest.

The nurse was in and out of the room at the moment, cleaning Izzy, changing her tubes and taking tests and doing things that nurses do. He hated watching them take the feeding tube out so he always looked out the window.

He heard the birds singing in the trees outside the windows; small sparrows, making nests, caring for eggs. It was the sort of thing Izzy would notice and watch for hours. The kind of thing she'd come back to follow, how were the eggs, how were the hatchlings? Did they fledge? Did they all survive?

He almost hated the sunrise now. But he also cherished it. For the memory it gave him. The last time she'd been conscious, two weeks ago now. He heard the nurse step out and sighed, exhausted. He had barely slept in all that time, and he had lost weight from not eating. He would not leave her room. Bradley and Victoria came and went every day. Rae came every day; the rest of the gang banished from Izzy's room by the staff. But most of the time Chop was alone with Izzy.

He watched the sparrows strengthening their nest, and fluff up to sit on the eggs. He thought about how terrifying the needle going into Izzy's stomach to extract her eggs had been. How she'd squeezed his hand. How he'd hated that time. And now he'd give almost anything to be back in that time.

He knew that the longer she stayed like this the less likely it was that she'd wake up. He sighed miserably and turned to her. The nurse had left the upper bed in the upright position, so she was sleeping sitting up slightly. Chop looked at her face, a slight colour in her cheeks made her lovelier than ever and he smiled to think of holding her in his arms. To think of the times she'd blushed or smacked his arm to keep him in line.

Slight colour in her cheeks.

Chop suddenly looked closer and saw what he had missed before because he had become so accustomed to not expecting to see it ever again.

Her eyes were open.

He inhaled sharply, not wanting to believe his eyes. But he watched her blink slowly, her eyes still on him.

"Izzy." His voice cracked and body almost crumbled under the weight of the stress and worry of the past 2 weeks, the sleeplessness, the lack of sleep, the heartache. But he crossed the room and his hands touched her hand and then her face gently. She smiled ever so slightly, as if it were exhausting to move even that small amount. Chop pressed he call button and gently touched her face again.

"Alright?" He asked urgently and she nodded slightly. "Oh god Izzy." He started to sob, "I love you girl." He kissed her cheek gently and she turned her face to his, catching his lips softly. He paused, everything still inside of him as their lips touched. And then she was unconscious again. Chop weeping over her still form as the nurses took her vital signs.

"This is a good sign." They told him cheerily. And Chop held onto that.

Days passed and every day she opened her eyes for a little longer. On the third day she told Chop she loved him. And that was when he knew she'd be alright. He'd collapsed into the chair in her room and slept for nearly 20 hours.

When he woke up, feeling groggy and starving Izzy was looking at him. He sat up suddenly, angry at himself for falling asleep but she smiled.

"The nurses told me how tired you was." Her voice was still croaky, and she coughed slightly, bringing up phlegm and spitting it out into a tissue. "Sorry." She rasped.

"No. Get it all out o' you." He marvelled that she was awake. "You look so much better today."

"I feel a lot better." She answered, still weak, still pale, but clearly on the mend.

"I am glad." He breathed deeply, steadying his emotions. "The last two weeks can safely go down as the worst in me life." He nodded and chuckled sourly.

"I didn't mind them." Izzy said guiltily, "I really needed it." She looked at Chop's exhausted face and tried to explain, "It's like my body just said, 'I got too much to heal, I can't be conscious as well' and shut up shop." Izzy grinned weakly. "I'm sorry I were shut down for so long."

"You can shut down as much as you need to if it's for you healing." Chop answered, "So I guess they were actually 2 good weeks then."

"I guess so." Izzy agreed, "The doctor said that it's not uncommon. What happened to me. It's not rare."

"Well that explains why they weren't as freaked out by it as I was." Izzy smiled.

"I'm sorry Chop. I'm tired."

"Sleep." He said firmly. "You sleep as much as you need baby girl."

"Gotta get my strength up so I can start chemo again." She said softly.

"Oh fuck I'd forgotten about that." But she was already asleep and he stroked her face gently. He looked at the tray of half eaten food by the bed and knew that the nurses were just gonna take it and throw it out, so he finished her food rather than leave the room to get a real meal. He'd tell the nurses that she'd only eaten half a plate, which was a worry, because she needed to get her strength up. But then Chop marvelled that she was eating again and felt a strange mix of joy and worry. He couldn't wait for Rae to come so he could tell her to tell the gang that Izzy seemed to be out of immediate danger now.

'Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves.' By Eurythmics and Aretha Franklin

"Shoulder up." He ordered. Chloe gritted her teeth.

"That fucking right shoulder." She punctuated each hit with a hard punch and Rhys held the pads without any reaction.

"Punch, kick, uppercut." He ordered, "Left, right." Chloe followed orders and punched the pads with her right fist, kicked with her right foot and then uppercut with her left fist. She swapped and started with her right fist next time.

She was covered in sweat and throwing everything she could at these pads and hating the way it had no effect on Rhys at all.

After working with Rhys that first time she had instantly decided to do private training sessions with him as well. She had organised with Rhys to learn kick boxing twice a week and the self-defence training once a week.

Even just her first self-defence class with Rhys had strengthened her confidence within herself. Enough to let Phillip touch her; nothing sexual, but any touch from a male of any kind was a step forward for Chloe right now.

Rhys was an incredible trainer who brought out the best in people. But he was serious and hard to read. Chloe found him to be quite an enigma. But that didn't matter. What mattered was that when she told him she wanted to do personal training so she could kill any man that touched her he had merely nodded and organised a timetable.

"Kicks only. Three left, three right. Shin impact." Rhys ordered and Chloe complied, putting everything into it. Her dance training had put her in good stead for learning kickboxing, she had the balance and flexibility required. She was getting to the end of her stamina but Rhys pushed her more.

"20 push ups 40 sit ups." He said as he took the pads off and walked away to get water. Chloe dropped to do them without question. She made herself do the push ups without her knees touching the floor. She kept an image of Ian and Ben and the rest of those guys in the front of her mind as she did them.

When she was done Rhys handed her water, and she sat on the bench, exhausted.

"You fight filled with hatred." Rhys said as he sat beside her.

"You gonna give me some shit that I need to be emotionless to fight well?"

"Emotions are an asset." Rhys said unexpectedly. "Keep you mind clear so that you can make good decisions and evaluate situations. But pour your emotions through your body and out of your fists so he feels your hatred when you punch his skull in." Chloe grinned at Rhys and nodded.

"I like the way you talk Rhys."

"That's because I understand the way you think." Rhys answered but Chloe threw her head back and laughed bitterly.

"How could you possibly know how I think?" Chloe said, "You couldn't understand what it's like to be raped."

"I can't understand what your rape was like." Rhys said, "But I understand what mine was like." Chloe turned her eyes to him in shock.

"Oh." She said softly.

"I wasn't always a 130 kilo, scary, tattooed guy." He said and looked forward.

"I'm sorry." She said softly.

"Don't be." He said honestly. "You don't owe me anything just because we have a shared experience." He said honestly, "But just understand Chloe; I do know how you think. Cos I've thought those same thoughts myself." Chloe felt a strange kinship with Rhys and she weaved her arm around his. He looked down at her arm and gave her a mildly unimpressed look.

"Am I ruining your hard-arse reputation?" She teased and he shook his head bemused.

"We should go for a drink Missy." He asked her with a sideways glance. He didn't usually ask his clients out, but Chloe was an interesting girl and his interest was piqued.

"Oh yeah? Why's that?" She grinned, feeling a blush on her cheeks. This was nice. She felt like she was starting to be herself again.

"Because we're both ridiculously attractive and we both find each other interesting." He raised an eyebrow at her and she found herself chuckling at his expression.

"You'll need a third reason." She said slightly seductively, testing those waters again. He saw the slight seduction and Chloe felt warm inside, and like the rustiness was coming off the garden tools.

"Because we both want to." He replied matching her level of seduction with his tone and facial expression, even his body language softened

"You don't know what I want." Chloe teased.

"True." Rhys acknowledged, "But I figure you'll tell me if I get it wrong." He smiled beautifully at her, and Chloe was struck by just how handsome he was. "Did I get it wrong?"

"Maybe." She said tantalisingly, "Maybe not."

"And that's all the answer I can expect from you?" He grinned, taking her bait willingly and fully aware of the game she was playing.

"For now."

"Well then I am at your mercy Missy."

"Yes you are." Chloe answered with a grin. She got up, passing the bottle of water to him and walked away to the shower room without looking back.

'Better Be Home Soon' by Crowded House

Janice ran her finger down the side of the letter slowly, re-reading it for the third time. She could hear Gary singing Led Zeppelin tunes to himself in his room next door. She smiled fondly as she thought about his kind face, his loyal spirit and his patient resolution. They were alone in the house, Finn and Rae were visiting Finn's new job. Janice and Gary had had many evenings together over the past few months and despite her attempts to control herself a deep affection for him had grown inside of her. Sorrow spread across her face and she read the letter again, desperately unsure about what she should do.

"Oh shit." She heard him say as he dropped something. She smiled again, deciding instantly to go and talk to him about it. She left her bedroom and walked slowly to his bedroom door, knocking gently.

"Come in!" He said cheerily. Janice opened the door slowly to see him kneeling, picking up tiny pieces of potpourri that had fallen out of an ancient and heavy looking holder that he dropped.

"My mother's." He explained, Janice shoved the letter in the pocket of her jeans and she took a moment to appreciate him before kneeling to help him; her nimble fingers working quicker than his. The wardrobe was open and a lot of old boxes from the top self were on the floor, half gone through.

"Doing a clean-up?" Janice asked bracingly.

"Looking for old contact details from Kenzie's side of the family." He said softly, "you know… the search has begun and all that." He smiled tightly and Janice looked away.

"It must be exciting to think you'll see her again." She took a steadying breath. Gary paused in reflection.

"I don't even know what I'll say to her." He shook his head slowly, "there was a time when there wasn't a thought in my head that she didn't know." He opened up an old photo book and looked at his school pictures. "We were inseparable." He looked down at a picture of a beautiful teenaged girl and Janice tried to smile as encouragingly as she could. "Seven years is big gap to bridge Janice." He said sadly.

"But you'll try." She answered him. "Because you're a Nelson." Gary raised his eyes to her slowly, sorrow and conflict clear on his face.

"Yeah." He nodded. "I have missed her… and I do love her." He looked back down, "I suppose that's all you need to start things off with."

"Of course it is." She said firmly, "You'll get her back." Gary kept his eyes lowered, looking at the picture. He stood up and put the album on the dresser and offered a hand to Janice, helping her stand.

"Any way Janice, you didn't knock on my door to hear me bang on about my misery, what can I do for you?" He raised his eyes to hers and they stood in silence, looking into each other's eyes as Janice hesitated. She swallowed hard and slowly took the letter out of her pocket. She held it tightly for a moment, not wanting to let go of it, because letting go of it would mean letting go of Gary. Letting him read it would force her to make the decision. And she knew what she had to do. Slowly she handed the letter to Gary. His eyes gave her a look of confusion and he looked down, opened the letter and read silently, his brows furrowing increasingly until he looked back up at her.

"But you just got started here." He whispered, "You've changed Stamford for the better." She could see him wanting to say more but he looked back down at the letter.

"The Hayward Gallery is kind of a big deal." Janice said softly, "I didn't think I'd be offered a curating job there. They don't even have a permanent collection… I would be in charge of visiting collections from all around the world. Do you understand what this would be for my career?" Janice internally pleaded for him to understand.

"But what about… us?" He finished softly.

"Stamford doesn't need me, there are so many bright people here that could run that centre…"

"I don't mean Stamford. I mean us Nelson men. You've made this household better." She felt her heart ache with longing when she saw the look on his face. She lowered her eyes and he stepped closer. "Janice…" His voice was pleading, but he didn't say more.

"Gary, I have to take this job."

"But what will Finn do without you to teach him to draw and…" He shook his head.

"You know I can't stay Gary." He stepped closer again, his face a picture of pleading, "you know it."

"Why?" He asked, their faces so close she could simply lean forward and kiss him, telling him in no uncertain terms why she couldn't stay. But she didn't. She just shook her head and lowered her eyes.

"You have a lot to sort out with Kenzie." She answered gently, "You have a family to rebuild." She raised her eyes to his desperately sad face, "You don't need another woman in the house while you're doing all of that." She had chosen her words carefully and she saw that he understood. He looked away for a moment.

"Can't you take some time to think about it?"

"No Gary." She answered.

"Why can't you just, have a moment to think?" He said urgently, "to just get your head in order so you can figure out what it is you really want."

"Are you talking about you or me Gary?" She prodded gently and he shook his head.

"You're the one talking about leaving." His voice remained pleading, urgent, desperate and confused.

"Because I have to."

"Why?" It was the closest to angry he'd ever been with her and she responded to the tone.

"Because it's the right thing to do." She retorted. He paused, his ire softening.

"Do you need me to say it?" He asked softly, "Alright. Please don't go." His eyes dropped to her lips, "I don't want you to go Janice." She felt herself leaning closer to him, felt his hands come up to her waist, his lips were so close, and she ached for him in a way she had never known. But they stopped, their mouths barely a centimetre apart, her hands on his chest, feeling his heart thumping, his hand gripping her waist lovingly, longingly.

"I'm sorry I'm not her." Janice whispered honestly, tears springing to her eyes.

"Oh don't say that Janice." He breathed, "You're quite perfect the way you are."

"As are you." She stroked his face fondly. "But Gary." She said, swallowing her tears, "We both know, that I have to follow my career." She started to step back but his hands held her close.

"I don't know if I do know that Janice." He barely spoke the words.

"You have to know it." She answered, the tears starting to fall down her cheeks. "You have Finn to think about. And a wife to find and reconcile with." Janice took a deep breath, "a wife you still love." Gary looked at her face and gently wiped a tear from her face.

"Please don't go." He said one more time, his voice thick with emotion.

"Think what you're asking me to do Gary." He looked into her eyes for a long time, grief and confusion clouding his normally cheery face. But slowly he let her hips go and she stepped back. She saw a tear fall down his face as he turned away.

"How long until you go?"

"A week." She said sadly and he nodded slowly.

"Finn'll take it badly." He continued, "So will Rae."

"I'll try and visit." Janice sounded much stronger than she felt. In her mind she was throwing her arms around him and kissing him, begging him to make love to her.

"I'd like that." He looked up at her, another tear falling from his other eye, an aching look in his eyes.

"I'll try and stay out of your way until I go." She said softly.

"That's probably a good idea." He answered, desperately wanting to take her into his arms.

"Goodbye Gary." She turned and left the room, not hearing what he said to her, but she thought he'd asked her not to leave again.

She fled to her room and locked the door. She stared at the letter in her hand and sobbed as quietly as she could.

It took some time for Janice to be able to start the long process of packing everything, but she worked hard, knowing that she had to get out of their soon; her will-power and her emotions couldn't hold out for a week.

'Taste It' by INXS

Finn ran his fingers along the deck. For the next week he'd be learning how to use it, then he'd be starting the 10pm to 1am timeslot on a Saturday night. Just one night a week, at a tiny community radio station.

He was getting paid a pittance for it, and they'd agreed to let Rae volunteer so they could have a show with some 'witty banter' as Rae had put it.

"It's a start." He whispered to himself. Dan showed Rae into the room and Finn turned to her with a big grin.

"Right dude, this is where the magic will be happening for you guys." He looked round, "I gotta go finish me own show, but you guys can have a poke round her for the next hour and then I'll come back and give you a quick run down of everything."

"What you're on the air now?"

"Yeah I got a prog rock song playing. We got time, you know?" Dan laughed, very amused by himself. Rae scoffed and grinned at Finn, who was in some sort of heaven. Rae realised how important this was to him, to be a radio DJ; it was his dream job.

"And there's no risk of us accidentally going to air?" Finn asked and Dan laughed and shook his head,

"Newb." He chuckled. "Right dude and dudette, I'll be back in an hour." Rae watched him go and turned to Finn.

"Dudette?"

"I'm pretty sure he's high and he can't remember our names." Finn replied and Rae chortled as she turned to look around the tiny room with a happy smile. Finn looked at all the buttons, the microphones, the sliding knobs, and the headphones. He had brought in his own music after seeing the woeful music selection the station owned. Apparently everyone brought in their own music. He sat down in the chair and took Rae's hand.

"So you're gonna be a radio DJ?" Rae asked. He nodded.

"And you'll be a writer?"

"Hopefully. Maybe I'll do a fair bit o' this with you though?" She asked excitedly.

"I'd love that." He answered.

"So you gotta do media or communications o' some sort at uni." She mused. And Finn nodded, realising he'd have to start thinking about that.

"I didn't even know if you need a degree to do this." He looked at the deck.

"You don't need a degree to be a writer but I'm still gonna get one." Rae answered, "and you know I need you to get through it."

"Yeah but even if I'm not t uni, I'll still be with you." He grinned, "Always." She smiled begrudgingly at him and let herself be drawn onto his lap. Finn wrapped his arms around her waist and enjoyed the weight of her in his lap, she rarely sat like this on him. He leaned around her and pushed a button on the deck and nothing happened, Rae leaned forward, looking for an on switch. As he pushed buttons, his other hand travelled from her waist up to her breasts, his mind occupied with both things quite happily. It took him a while to realise that Rae was sitting still, looking back at him as his fingers traced around her nipple through her bra. He saw the look in her eyes.

"You're wondering how long till Dan gets back." He felt a cheeky grin cross his face.

"You read my mind Finlay." Finn looked through the glass wall to the clock on the wall in the adjacent room.

"Long enough." They both exploded into action, she was up, bent over the decks, and his pants were around his ankles in the same moment. He pulled her skirt up and slowly slipped her knickers down, letting them fall to around her ankles. He slipped into her from behind and gripped her hips firmly and plunged into her hard and rough. Both of their eyes stayed glued to the glass wall, waiting for someone to walk into the adjacent room at any moment. Rae flicked her hair back and ground her hips lavishly and he groaned when her round arse pushed into him hard, trying to get him deeper. She looked over her shoulder at him as she started to cum. She groaned loudly and Finn encouraged her.

"C'mon girl." He said happily as he saw her mouth open in ecstasy a low guttural moan of pleasure accompanying the feel of her clenching around his cock. He reached his hands up her body and grabbed her breasts hard and hammered into her, his eyes on the door to the other room, his ears drinking in the sounds of her pleasure. He pushed himself to cum quicker than he'd like; Dan or anyone could come into the producer's room at any time and see them through the glass wall. He grunted loudly as he came, Rae groaning through her second orgasm simultaneously. She stayed bent over the decks as her did his jeans up and slowly raised her knickers for her.

"Now I know my cum's gonna be in your pants while he's teaching us how to do this job." He breathed to her and she gave him a lustful look before kissing him in a way that made it perfectly clear that this was as much of a turn on for her as it was for him. He collapsed back into the chair and Rae sat back on his lap, lacing her arm around his neck while she tried to settle down her clothes and hair. Finn wrapped his arm back around her waist, the other one going back to the buttons and knobs on the deck as if that quickie had never happened. It was another one of their little secrets.

Dear diary

A gentle kind of peace has settled over my life.

I'm starting to think of the future more and more.

Second year of college, university after that. A career. Family. Finn. Always Finn.

I once told you diary that people are the protagonists of their own stories, and that some have happy endings and some don't. As I write these diaries I realise more and more that my life has been like a blank notebook filling up with my words, my hopes, dreams, my own foolishness. I am starting understand that I may not have chosen the notebook I was given, but I can choose what I write in it. This is my story, and I get to choose how it goes. And I know that occasionally I'll come across a damaged page in my blank notebook, one that will rock my life and change my world. But I still get to choose what I write on that page. Kester's been trying so hard for so long to teach me that I always have a choice, even if it's a hard choice, or a bad choice. I will always have a choice. I think I finally understand that.

'Do You Love Me' by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

It's so easy to disappear into the mass of human filth that is London.

Prostitutes calling for a dollar. Goths smoking and having their existential angst. Politicians and paedophiles and faggots and girls out for a night on the town. Boys on a buck's night. Immigrants and pubs and buskers and what is that smell?

London.

As old as balls.

Blood on my hands

A skinny stray dog. A skinny stray kid.

Jack the ripper hunted in these streets.

He made the misery here his home. He sliced sluts up.

The feel of her against me.

I see that girl looking at me. Her big blue eyes taking me in, wondering what my story is.

You don't wanna know my story little girl.

I'll just tear you up and throw you away…

And I'm not available anyway.

I got a girl.

And I love her.

And she told me that she loves me.

Blood on me hands. Good.

Was it enough blood?

Did that fucking fairy pretty boy die?

If he didn't, I'll be happy to see that he does.

How dare he interrupt me and my girl when I was so close to coming for her like she wanted me to?

She a good little whore. Likes to keep me pleased.

I only have to stay at Rick's place for a few. Then I can go back and finally be with her.

My poor girl.

She'll be missing me.

Aching for me.

I can imagine what hell this time apart will be for her.

But it's necessary my love.

As the great bard said 'I must be cruel only to be kind.'

And the kindness I will give you when I finally see you again will go beyond your wildest fantasies.

Only a few here.

A few hours?

A few days?

A few months?

A few years?

I dunno yet my love. It'll be as long as it needs to be for everything to be in the clear, so that we can finally spend the rest of your life together.

Only a few here.

Only a few more of sleeping on his filthy couch.

Only a few more of dirty cockroaches in lice infested London streets.

Only few more nights away from you. I dream of you my love.

But it's only a few more.

Only a few more beers. A few more bongs. A few more football games.

Only a few more of eating the shit food Rick buys.

I miss Raymundo's jelly. It reminds me of you my love: I wanna eat it.

I wanna eat you.

You belong to me.