Dan vs. Aperture Laboratories, a Dan vs/Portal Crossover

By artistwithouttalent

Note: The following is a work of amateur/fan fiction. This work is not done for profit. I hold no rights to any property referenced within. Dan vs. is owned by the Hub and Starz Media. Portal is owned by Valve Software.

Chapter 1: Thinking with Vengeance

"Ahh, now for some well-deserved me-time. Come on, Mr. Mumbles," Dan said, calling his kitty over to join him on the couch. He sat down, flipped on the television, and was greeted by a bumper saying The Adventures of Population Control Johnny would return in a moment.

"Augh! Stupid commercials," Dan exclaimed. "Why must they interrupt quality programming with ads for stuff I'll never buy?"

With that, the television cut to an ad featuring a businessman narrating footage of humanoid robots that grabbed Dan's attention.

"Greetings, friends! Cave Johnson here, founder and CEO of Aperture Laboratories. Are you tired of having to manually walk long distances? Does traffic drive you nuts? Is the prospect of lunar travel enticing to you?"

"All of those apply to me," Dan realized. "Tell me more, scientific wizard!"

"Not anymore! These and other minor annoyances are now things of the past, thanks to the Aperture Laboratories Handheld Portal Device! Simply aim it at a portal conducting surface, and, BAM! Blue portal! Orange portal! Instant gateway. We've tested this on the most qualified astronauts, war heroes, and Olympians we could find, along with a bunch of homeless guys, and the ones that returned in one piece said it was amazing!"

"That IS amazing!" Dan cried. "Tell me, Mr. Johnson, how can I procure one of these devices?"

"Now, the device is still being tested, a few bugs still left to work out, but if you give us a generous non-tax-deductible donation of $1,000, we'll be sure to put you on the list so that when we do release this thing, you or your heirs can be the first in line to buy one. Cave Johnson, we're done here."

"Indeed we are, Mr. Johnson; I've heard enough," Dan declared, and with that he raced over to his phone and picked up the receiver. "Hello, operator, connect me to Aperture Laboratories."

Four to Six weeks later

Dan was pacing by his door, waiting for the mail delivery. He had performed this ritual every day since he made his non-tax-deductible donation. This day was different, however. The postal worker, who had been assaulted by Dan the first few times she passed his house as he looked for his package, was hesitant to knock on his door and oblige him. She didn't need to; Dan burst open the door to ask her what she was doing prowling around his house. The mail carrier dropped the box and ran off screaming.

"My Portal gun!" Dan exclaimed. "If it's damaged you're going on the list!"

Dan carried the suspiciously small and lightweight package to his sitting area, double-checking the label to ensure that this was indeed his portal gun, and sure enough the return address was that of Aperture Laboratories. Dan tore the box open and dug furiously through the foam pellets within, finding only a letter on Aperture Laboratories stationary:

Dear Mr. Mandel:

As founder and CEO of Aperture Laboratories, I appreciate your monetary support, and hope we can count on further donations from you in the future. You have my word that as soon as the Portal gun is finished, you will be the first to know, so that you or your successors can purchase one before anyone else. As a further bonus, if you donate $10,000 or more, we'll give you a discount on the purchase of the Portal device for you or someone who you assign. Again, I thank you for your support

Cave Johnson

CEO and Founder, Aperture Laboratories

P.S. Like the box? Bean-counters said it was "inefficient" and "ridiculous," but we'll see how ridiculous they find the unemployment line, won't we?

At this, Dan cast his hands into the air, turned skyward, and shouted the name of his bane:

"APERTURE LABORATORIES!"