Disclaimer I don't own Harry Potter. I also may change some of the characters features.
Potter,
If I promise never to try and flick ice-cubes down the front of your shirt again, can I have my glasses back? James and Albus have started steering me into walls.
Scorpius
Potter:
Seriously. Please give me my glasses back. I have bruises. And a Quidditch game tomorrow.
Scorpius
Malfoy:
Your glasses will not be returned until I see some sort of solid evidence that you've matured past the age of five and can be trusted with something like clear sight. Until that time, you should consider a pair of decent cushioning charms to dull the effects of walking into walls and tripping up staircases. I daresay your fan club is starting to go off you now you're covered in bruises.
L. Potter
Lily -
First and foremost, know that I write this entirely of my own volition, without any outside influence. Honestly.
I understand your severe displeasure with Scorpius's decision to use your chest as target practice for his (already rather honed) sense of aim. I respect your decision to teach him a lesson resultantly. And I admit that shepherding Scorpius into walls was, for a time, rather hilarious, because truly there is nothing funnier than taking advantage of your friend's blind (excuse the pun) faith in those around him.
However it has been FIVE DAYS and I think you are bordering on animal cruelty, Lily, really. Hugo may still find it funny, but James has adopted this "well that's what you get" sort of attitude and is refusing to be of any use, and Scorpius is INCREDIBLY irritable, and rightly so, because walking into walls for five days straight wold make most people irritable. That leaves me, Lily, as the voice of reason, and also as Scorpius's guide dog, which is not really a career I ever considered, though I thank you for providing me the opportunity to scratch it off my list forevermore.
It is really getting quite out of hand, and as the suffering third-party to this rather ridiculous argument, I have to ask that you consider a truce.
(At least take something less vital; Scorpius really is blind as a bat, you know. It's like in Scooby-Doo, when Velma drops her glasses and is out of commission for two hours. Only it's been five days and there is about to be some sort of mutiny in the Mystery Van.)
Sincerely,
Albus
Albus:
Nice try. Malfoy's glasses are in a safe place and will stay there until I feel he has earned the right to have them back - something that can't be done by an intermediary begging on his behalf. Tell him to have fun at his Quidditch game tomorrow. Can I expect you to be up there on a broom as well, guiding him to the goal hoops and catching the Quaffle for him?
I would suggest you not bother yourself making sure he gets around all right - it's not you I wish to punish, purely Malfoy. It's not my fault you're a hopelessly nice person, Albus. But I'm done with Malfoy being an obnoxious, arrogant prick all the time, and if you're going to enable his phenomenally huge head, so be it. To be frank, that's your concern.
Lily
PS: You might want to let Malfoy know that randomly calling me a "bitch" and "evil bint" in the hallways and the common room at the top of his lungs is not the best way to ensure the quick return of his glasses. Perhaps something a little less dramatic is in order, hmm?
Lily -
This is getting ridiculous. And after the fiasco at the match a few days ago, Scorpius is getting pretty unbearable. Are you going to make us all resort to begging?
- James
James:
Possibly.
L. Potter
Lily,
Years since I've enjoyed a Quidditch match as much as that one. Well done.
-Zabini
Zabini,
That was Dark Magic and you know it. I swear I'm going to hex you so badly you won't be able to see past that epic nose of yours, just as soon as I get my damn glasses back. And yes, I am indeed threatening you with shampoo.
Malfoy
[as set down to record by A.S. Potter]
Scorpius-
BAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU CAN'T READ THIS. Oh it will never get old.
Well maybe. But not for a good 'nother week.
(If he asks, Albus, it's a note about how dreadfully sorry I am for his troubles.)
- Hugo
Hugo-
He's making James draw up a bath for him and I'm writing his will. This has to end.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T TALKED TO HER YET! BE ALL SWEET AND NAIVE AND ALL YOUR OTHER HUGO SHIT AND TELL HER TO GIVE SCORPIUS HIS DAMN GLASSES BACK! YOU'RE OUR LAST HOPE!
- Albus
Albus
She'd probably lighten up if we let him fall out a window or something. I'm beginning to think it might be worth a shot.
- James
James -
Scorpius would like me to inform you that he won't be talking to you for precisely three days. By the way, it was Hugo who told him it was you. I thought you were joking about the window thing, but that was brilliant.
Albus
Albus:
Good reflexes, stopping Malfoy like that - your charm work is getting much better. I don't know whose idea it was to see how well he could fly without a broom, but good show never-the-less. I'm sure the only reason Malfoy is sour is because he couldn't see well enough to enjoy the ride. I don't think I've seen a chicken flap its wings as frantically as Malfoy flapped his arms.
Lily
Lily,
Er, due to some persistent begging from both James and Albus, I've been asked to plead with you. Let me put this situation into some perspective for you: If Albus has to continue being Scorpius's personal scribe and seeing-eye dog, he's going to commit suicide. James and I have been reduced to little better than his personal slaves, doing his homework, plumping his pillows, buying and setting off dungbombs to excuse his lack of activity. Scorpius himself is having a veritable tantrum because he missed a monthly ritual last night that none, and I repeat none, of us have ever had to miss before. If you haven't gotten this through your head yet, here's some news for you:
THIS ISN'T PUNISHING SCORPIUS - IT'S PUNISHING EVERYONE WHO HAS THE MISFORTUNE TO CALL HIMSELF A NEW MARAUDER.
Hope you're having a lovely day,
Hugo
Weasley:
And explain to me how, exactly, punishing the New Marauders as a whole is a bad or unfair thing, since I'm fairly sure James Potter was the one who put Malfoy up to the ice-cube throwing game, and you were quite obviously thrilled to be along for the ride. I suppose Albus had the decency to look embarrassed and might be excused some of the torment, but he's chosen to go it along with you and far be it for me to deprive him of this apparent delight. So far as I'm concerned, I'm quite happy to hang the lot of you right along side him.
Cheers.
L. Potter
Albus,
I'm starting to think this is Lily's cry for attention. Am considering going down to the kitchens for more ice cubes.
What do you think? I'll ask Hugo.
James
James Potter -
That was not funny. I refuse to accept your apology and, for Lily's sake, sod off for a bit. Do you have any idea how close proximity our lips came when you pushed Scorpius into me? Neither of us are amused, and be assured that this has put a setback on Lily's return of the glasses.
Eliza
James,
With regards to your question: I think I am friends with idiots.
Sincerely,
Albus
James Potter:
You'd think with the marks you get you might have something resembling a brain in that head of yours. Apparently not.
I can only surmise from your recent ice-cube related actions that you are jealous of Malfoy's current state and wish to join him. How lovely. As you can imagine, I am only so happy to oblige you.
Rest assured all your shoes have now joined Malfoy's glasses in a very safe place. I regret to inform you that your dorm-mates might be less than impressed with you, since I was forced to take all their shoes as well, since I'm fairly sure you're all around the same size and it wouldn't do as a punishment if you could just borrow someone else's. I hope all your mothers regularly send you fresh socks - you're going to need them.
Sincerely,
L. Potter
Potter:
Shoe theft, rather impressive. A drafty castle is not a welcome place to be without shoes; your sense of vindictiveness both surprises and impresses me. I would not have expected it of you, O Savior of All Things Great and Small.
That said, do let me know how your dormmates react to the recent and mysterious theft of their bras.
(Fire with fire, love.)
- James
Potter -
I guess you overlooked the fact that some of us wear sports bras to bed. Tough luck. By the way, please relay to Weasley that I'm really not interested, and intercepting my mail and holding my cat hostage is not something I find flattering. It's borderline stalker.
Eliza
PS: Don't you dare let him near my bras.
Lily,
I hereby revoke every compliment I have ever paid you. Clearly, you are the devil, and spending so much time in the company of one Madison Zabini did irreversible damage.
Sincerely,
James Potter
Potter,
Considering that you are now the one sporting horns, I would say that you're looking more devilish at the moment, wouldn't you?
Smirking,
Lily Potter
Miss Potter:
While the feminist in me loudly applauds your efforts to ensure fair treatment, I now must insist on the return of the Gryffindor Sixth-Year boys' shoes. Hugo has been to the Hospital Wing with a new foot-related injury every day since they were taken from him, and Madame Pomfrey is starting to become irritable at staff meetings and flinches every time she passes Hugo in the halls.
I also implore you to consider returning Malfoy's glasses sometime prior to the next Quidditch Match - I can stomach quite a bit of entertainment, but allowing another crushing defeat - especially to the Slytherins at the end of the month - is against my more Gryffindor sensibilities. I am sure, if you and Miss Westwood put your heads together, you could think up a suitable exchange for them in the next three weeks. My good humor in regards to this issue might not make it through another lost Quidditch Match.
Professor McGonagall
Weasley,
Look, I'll find a way to get your trainers back to you if you stop charming those damn daisies to appear every time I sneeze. (Or, I might say, ask Scorpius or James to stop. Didn't you get a D on Flitwick's last exam?) I don't know if you've realized, but I have an aversion to pollen and whenever they appear, I sneeze more, and how do you think it feels when this continues in a cycle until I am surrounded in flowers! Not "spiffingly corky," as your bloody friends have suggested!
Eliza Westwood
James,
Kindly stop encouraging Hugo in such asininely idiotic pursuits of epic proportions. My ears will never be the same again after the way Eliza yelled her head off at me, the distinctly wrong culprit. I remind you that I have sensitive ears, and that if this so happens one more time, I will be forced to confiscate your Dungbombs, Filibuster's, Chocolate Frogs, sense of amusement, sense of living etc. AND YOU WILL BE FORCED TO LIVE IN DESTITUTE BOREDOM,
Sincerely (Really, my sincerity and determination in this matter comes unmatched)
Albus
Albus,
Couldn't you just lighten up?! James went all white and shaky when he thought of what you might do to him.
God...
Scorpius
Hugo -
I am thoroughly offended that Scorpius is now using you as his scribe, especially after what happened with Eliza Westwood's bra two nights ago. That was disgusting, and I never want to witness anything like that again. The lucky bastard didn't have to. Please relay this information to him.
Albus
Hugo -
Thanks to my having my glasses returned, I have now read all of the notes you sympathetically sent me in my period of loss. I just wanted to tell you something in return:
Run.
- Scorpius
Eliza -
How how how how how did Scorpius get the glasses back!? We promised McGonagall it would be within the next three weeks, but I thought we'd decided sometime late next. I'll bet you anything it was that fourth year Emily Winston. She's had hots for Malfoy for years. Bint.
- Lily
Lily,
For your information, not only did James Potter hold me at wandpoint, but Scorpius Malfoy threatened to pin me to the wall by my bra if I did not return your glasses. Kindly refrain from referring to me as a "bint", bint.
Winston
Winston -
Stop intercepting letters addressed to me. And Lily would like to know the whereabouts of her owl, bint.
Westwood
Westwood-
She's see her owl when she apologizes to me, in person, on bended knee, preferably with a sonnet.
-Winston
Winston -
Sounds to me like Scorpius isn't the one you've got hots for.
Westwood
Westwood -
You will see your bed when Potter sees her owl.
Who's laughing now?
- Winston
Found posted on the board in the Gryffindor common room:
Due to the shameless antics of certain Gryffindor students - most notably the theft of Mr. Malfoy's glasses, the theft of certain seventh, sixth, and fifth year boys' shoes and certain sixth year girls' personal items, the removal of Ms. Westwood's bed from her dormitory, the interception of mail sent by Ms. Potter, the mysterious appearance of an astonishing amount of daisies causing Ms. Westwood to break out into hives, and certain charms placed on Mr. Malfoy's glasses so that each time he speaks orange bubbles are emitted from his mouth instead - all students will be exempt from first period classes tomorrow and will meet in the common room for a House meeting.
Professor M. McGonagall
Dear Professors Sprout and Flitwick:
As you have both taught me for the past seven years, I do not think it is outrageous to assume that you've both noticed that I am hard-working and, all modesty aside, at least intelligent enough to answer a few riddles. While I understand that the Sorting Hat has placed me in Gryffindor for a reason, supposedly some reservoir of bravery, I think it is fair to say that the Sorting Hat failed to take into account the most newfound of all Gryffindor traits: kleptomania. That I am personally bereft of such a "quirk" clearly isolates me from my dear housemates at the moment, and so I humbly ask that the noble House of either Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw consider adopting me.
Sincerely,
Albus Severus Potter
Messer. A. Potter,
Messrs. J. Potter, Malfoy and Weasley would like to inform Messr. A. Potter that they had, earlier today, caught sight of a draft of a letter addressed to the Heads of Houses Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff. Our concerns are threefold:
1) That you would consider becoming a Hufflepuff.
2) That you had written a first draft at all. (Seriously, Albus? Seriously?)
3) That you are being THE WORST NEW MARAUDER EVER.
We kindly request an explanation for Messr. A. Potter's treason.
Sincerely,
Messrs. J. Potter, Malfoy, and Weasley
Messrs. J. Potter, Malfoy and Weasley,
Mr. A. Potter would like to respond to accusations of treachery with three short rebuttals:
1) While Ravenclaw is far preferable, Hufflepuff is a much better alternative to Slytherin, home of the inbred and idiotic, and therefore a reasonable fall-back. Every good plan must have a fall-back, which may in fact be news to Messrs. J. Potter, Malfoy and Weasley, as they are not particularly familiar with the characteristics of a good plan.
2) The accusation of "worst New Marauder ever" would in fact be more hurtful were it not to come from:
a. Mr. Weasley, incapable of existing without a pair of shoes and not injuring himself severely,
b. Mr. Malfoy, incapable of existing without a pair of glasses and not injuring himself severely, and
c. Mr. J. Potter, incapable of solving a situation without first worsening it tenfold.
3) You are all bloody idiots.
Sincerely,
Mr. A. Potter
Mr A. Potter,
Mr Padfoot grudgingly accepts such censure, and sends with this letter a curse. Enjoy the boils.
Messr. J. Potter, with help from Messrs. Malfoy and Weasley
Mr. J. Potter,
Mr. A. Potter would like to congratulate you on finally mastering a curse we learned in third year, although, from the way your previous letter was addressed, it seems you had help, and presents his gratitude, for he does not spend nearly enough time in the hospital wing as it already is.
Albus
L. Potter,
While typically we do not consort with Blood Traitors ,or Halfbloods, we must present our compliments - you have effectively brought chaos and destruction to your own House in a manner that we have never managed. The formerly united force that is Gryffindor seems to have crumbled from within, and you are most assuredly the cause of such deterioration. As an inside job, it is has been quite effective, and we recognize after all that perhaps old Slughorn is right; were your blood not so filthy, maybe you would make a worthy Slytherin. We thank you also for such a hand in our quest for the Quidditch Cup; you might even be considered an honorary Beater.
Most sincerely, the undersigned:
Montgomery Mulciber, Antonin Dolohov, Andrei Avery, Bernard Zabini, Alecto Goyle & Oron Black
Montgomery Mulciber, Antonin Dolohov, Andrei Avery, Bernard Zabini, Alecto Goyle & Oron Black:
We would all like to express similar gratitude for giving our noble house an even nobler cause for which to put aside our differences and reunite once more. Do let us know how Madam Pomfrey responds to the sudden presence of six slugs in her hospital wing.
Lily Potter with the help of:
Eliza Westwood, Scorpius Malfoy, James Potter II, Hugo Weasley, Albus Potter, Roxanne Weasley, Rose Weasley, Emily Winston, Dominique Weasley, Edie Winston, Frank Longbottom II, Jonas Winston, Yvonne Spinnet, Grace Wood, Kirley Duke, and Ricky Jones
To the students of Hufflepuff house:
Seriously, how is it Slytherin and Gryffindor always get all the glory when they're all morons?
Sincerely,
Prefects Marlene McKinnon, Emmeline Vance, Sturgis Podmore, & Marius Edgecome
on behalf of the students of Ravenclaw
Minerva,
Oughtn't you step in rather soon? This whole shenanigan has gotten rather out of hand, I think; it was amusing, at first, but let's be honest, it's gotten ludicrous. Added to the every day squabbles, injuries and hexes I've now got six Slytherin students turned into slugs (apparently due to a letter that offended Gryffindor's camaraderie), I've dealt with several foot issues, Ms. Winston and Ms. Westwood have been sparring off in the hallways, Mr. Albus Potter is covered in boils (as if the boy doesn't have enough health issues as is), I've yet to find the counter-curse to the (rather clever) curse put on Mr. Malfoy's glasses, and I feel certain that once I've healed the Slytherins, there will be an upsurge in Gryffindor injuries. I've got my hands full, Minerva, you must do something. I know finds this all very amusing, but Quentin is - well, his sense of humor is a little off, and I expected more from you, at least. Please?
Poppy
Malfoy,
You know the rest of the school is mocking us? I say karmic retribution's about to kick some ass. What say you?
James
James,
Bring it on.
Malfoy
Albus -
I was happy to hear you'll be out of the hospital wing this afternoon, and I just wanted to ask you a favor. Malfoy's giving me the silent treatment (well, other than the orange bubble bit), so would you tell him I'm willing to negotiate the return of his speech?
Lily
Lily,
What? I'm sorry, it would seem my vision is suddenly as impaired as Scorpius's. Somehow I seemed to have misread your last letter in a way that allowed me to misconstrue that you are sincerely upset that Malfoy is not speaking to you and wish me to act as a moderator to somehow change this development. Why, one might almost think it's as though you've missed having him jabber away at you incessantly!
How sincerely strange what the brain will cook up when you are confined in a hospital wing thanks to three great prats!
Albus
Scorpius,
I've been itching to find use for some of that Muggle motor oil that I use for Uncle Sirius's old bike (mine now). Magicked, of course. I'm pondering something flammable. I haven't quite yet thought this through thoroughly (alliteration is our friend), but I have in mind a vague picture of purple flames and some sort of utilization of tangerines and/or other citrus perishables. Also, I might add, I have spotted Bertram Aubrey snickering at me every time I turn the corner. This does not sit well with me.
Cheers,
James
Poppy,
This morning I discovered that the pupils of Slytherin House had transfigured my office into a glen (I suspect Zonko's assistance). To put a stop to the sparrings now would mean that Gryffindor House was admitting defeat.
I do hope that you understand. After all, you were once a Gryffindor yourself!
Minerva
Dearest Minerva,
Despite how much I have tried to avoid doing this, things have turned preposterous. My office has been turned into a Gryffindor loving office, and I am finding it difficult to find the humor in it. That's not it either, oh no, for when do the Gryffindors ever stop? Now my bed is missing just like my underwear. If we could please come up with something about these children before I go ballistic, it'd be very appreciated.
Horace
My dearest Horace,
I am terribly sorry that your favorite purple bathrobe was colored a decidedly more delightful scarlet, but I'm afraid this is out of my hands. After all, I surely had no part in this, and I couldn't possibly imagine who could be beside this. As such, I find it impossible to apologize for such a blessing, and really must suggest some gold slippers to go with your new robe.
Cheers,
Minerva
Lily -
LOOK AT THE ANARCHY YOU HAVE CAUSED.
Honestly. After all those years of lecturing us, you've achieved more mass-discontent than we ever managed. I'm almost impressed, except that I'm still thoroughly annoyed.
Also, saw your letter to Albus. HA HA HA. OH HOW THE MIGHTY HAVE FALLEN. Rest assured that we are carefully timing our revelation of said news so as to optimize its hilarity.
James
James -
Don't make me intercept more of your letters. And stop baiting her - do you want her to curse my glasses so something even worse happens? Obviously I can't give into this "negotiation" - she'll probably have me doing all her and her mates' homework for the rest of the year - but something must be done. A New Marauder meeting tonight is greatly needed. Tell Albus and Hugo.
Malfoy
Malfoy,
You, my good man, are one whipped son-of-a-bitch.
(Alright, so your mother is actually quite a pleasant woman; my accusation stands.)
Truthfully,
James
James,
Scorpius asked me to tell you not to make advances towards his mother.
Yours,
Albus
Albus -
As I'm not speaking to James for fear of his reverse-pedophile instincts, and your advice tends to be better anyway, how does Veritaserum sound? I'm sure Slughorn's got some in his stores, and slipping it into Lily's pumpkin juice would be dead simple, really.
Malfoy
Malfoy
Under no circumstances, even the present dire ones, do I condone the drugging a perfect none the less one with Lily's brains. Hypothetically, if I were of looser moral standings, I would agree that stealing Veritaserum would be undoubtedly easy, an open door to all your inquiries, but I do warn you that slipping truth serum into her juice would probably irritate her more than any of James's recently-intercepted jibes.
Albus
Malfoy
I have no idea how your letter ended up in my dorm, but if you do do such thing like put Veritaserum on my pumpkin juice I assure you, it won't be just your glasses that will be missing.
Lily
Scorpius,
Why would you actually need new glasses? Somehow the story about the rampaging Hippogriff herd was not particularly believable.
-Dad
Scorpius -
Eliza told me what happened. Sorry to hear about your glasses, mate, but I did tell you the Veritaserum was no good. And why exactly didn't you use the cloak? There was no way Lily would have caught you then.
Albus
Dad
Please. New pair of glasses. The Hippogriffs are actually tougher than I would've ever imagined. Especially if one of them has reddish hair.
Scorpius
Eliza,
There will be no bargaining with Malfoy - I've destroyed all the evidence.
Lily
Mr. Malfoy,
I know you are trying to raise your only child in a way he has to take care of his own actions and has to deal with the consequences, but I beg you sir, please get him some new glasses. I don't think I will keep myself from strangling him if he keeps on mistaking us with walls.
James
James,
As long as he's up front about the real reason he needs them, I'll be willing to make a donation. The hippogriff story isn't cutting it, and there's continuity issues in it - hippogriffs don't have red hair.
Draco Malfoy
Mr. Malfoy,
It's because he's too ashamed to admit that he is a whipped ponce who has had his glasses stolen by the apple of his eye.
Hopefully this clears up matters.
Sincerely,
James
James -
Ahem, exactly how long have my melted glasses been sitting on my bedside table? Nevermind, I don't want to know.
Scorpius
Scorpius -
Far too long. You are both blind and oblivious, evidently.
Also I have taken the liberty of informing your father that by "rampant Hippogriff attack" you actually meant "I am a huge nancy boy and I do not know how to deal with girls, please send me glasses so I can go back to staring wistfully at Lily Potter's arse". Hopefully this will help resolve the issue. Thank me later.
James
James -
I'm doing my best to retrieve your wand from Scorpius.
Hugo
Scorpius, Hugo and James,
You're all idiots.
Albus
Albus -
Come downstairs. Potter has finally lost it. You'll see.
Hugo
Albus,
That we may be, but you can't deny that we are your favorite idiots.
Hugo is useless. Help me get my wand back? Clearly Scorpius is the cause of all our strife, so don't even think of defending him.
James
James,
It's poking out of his back pocket. I don't think you'll have much trouble distracting him, Lily eating his face off and all. So...what exactly happened while I was upstairs?
Albus
Albus,
I HAVE NO IDEA IT IS LIKE I AM WITNESSING SOME KIND OF COLLISION OF THE PLANETS. I FEAR THE END IS NEAR. TELL OUR MOTHER I DON'T HATED HER.
James
James,
I think Hugo's just gone numb with shock. Here's your wand.
Albus
Albus,
WHAT IS GOING ON?
Eliza
Eliza,
WHAT IS GOING ON?
James
James,
I address this to you primarily because it seems Scorpius is to occupied to take any of the following threat seriously. However, as Lily's friend, I feel it is my duty to inform you that if for some unfathomable reason Scorpius decided to abandon his genius plan of Veritaserum in favor of AMORTENTIA, I will have to kill him on her behalf.
Eliza
Professor Trimble,
It seems as if you have an eye in each corner of the castle, so I decided it would be okay to ask you. Did the rumors that reach my ears involving one Scorpius Malfoy and one Lily Potter are true?
Professor McGonagall
Eliza,
Seeing as Scorpius tends to check his thicker plans with Albus, Hugo, and I before executing them, I don't think that's the case. I would, however, be willing to venture to the empty glass that seems to be in front of Potter and execute several test sniffs.
James
Mr Malfoy!
I am pleased to inform you that after sixteen years, it would seem your only son has finally grown a pair and snogged his perfect (no pun intended) counterpart/the apple of his eye/the glasses thief/his red-headed Hippogriff of love. I am no longer sure an extra pair of glasses will be necessary because I think he intends to spend the rest of eternity engaged in activities in which good eyesight is not a requirement, although it may be preferred -
JAMES YOU UNGRATEFUL ARSE I AM GOING TO KILL YOU, NEXT TIME YOU ARE IN DESPERATE WANT OF FOOD AND SHELTER I AM GOING TO LOCK MY DOORS AND WINDOWS AND EAT FEASTS WHILE LAUGHING AS YOU STAND ALONE AND HUNGRY IN THE RAIN YOU PATHETIC SOD!
James Potter
Scorpius -
Your threat would be far more terrifying if, you know, I wasn't seventeen and hadn't had my own place for almost a year. By the way, you might want to look into some shock therapy for Hugo. I don't think the poor kid's ever seen snogging before.
James
James,
Whatever you say, I am sure there will come another time when you are sad and destitute and "OH WISE, BENEVOLENT, BRAVE FRIEND OF MINE, PLEASE HELP ME, I SPENT ALL OF MY MONEY ON MOTORBIKES AND PROSTITUTES BECAUSE NO WOMAN WILL HAVE ME, AND NOW I AM LIVING OUT OF A BOX, PLEASE EXTEND YOUR HAND OF GENEROSITY ONCE MORE" and I will RELISH the opportunity to turn you away. RELISH. Like the condiment.
Also Hugo would like me to inform you that he has PARTAKEN in snogging, it was simply the shock of seeing Lily and I TOGETHER that nearly blew his poor little mind. Actually now that I write it I realize that is kind of an insult, so for the record I am adding him to my list of 'do not help when homeless and alone'.
Scorpius
Scorpius,
When exactly are you going to tell us how this came about?
Albus
Albus,
Probably when I decide you aren't all great prats.
Scorpius
Lily,
Please tell me the latest rumors aren't true. Have you lost your mind? I am going to kill him.
Rose
Eliza,
Will you please stop looking at me like I've committed high treason? It just... happened, alright? It's about time the unresolved sexual tension was, well, resolved.
Lily
Lily,
So, er, how's life going for
From here on, what exactly is going
Do you think maybe
So, where exactly do we stand right now?
Scorpius
Scorpius
I'm not sure. And since when are we on first name basis?
Lily
Scorpius,
So. Does that empty bottle of Ogden's I found stashed under the couch of the common room have anything to do with the little session with our precious Lilykins?
You pisser. I KNEW she wouldn't snog you when clear of mind.
Still laughing,
James
James,
I think Scorpius was sincerely offended by your astute blunt last letter. I know you revel in being an arse, but I thought the point of this whole thing was to stop him from being so annoyingly sullen? Insulting his manliness and his obscure-quasi-kind-of-relationship with Lily isn't really, you know, helping the cause.
Plus I don't think Lily was that drunk.
Albus
Eliza -
Oh God... I was so drunk...
Lily
Lily
I hoped thought so. So was he drunk too or merely sober and taking advantage of your inebriation? I'll hope for the former, since the latter seems like solid grounds to hex him into next week and you've not yet done that.
Eliza
Eliza -
I think he was drunk, too. He never argues like that when he's sober, and you really should have seen the row that preceded it.
Lily
Lily
Potter
Lily Potter
Lily
Er. Do you still hate me now?
Scorpius
James,
We weren't drunk. We weren't that drunk. I mean, drunk enough to want it, but not drunk enough to not know what we were doing. Because we definitely did. Know what we were doing, I hope mean. So shut up. And I hate you. Do not talk to me for five to seven days.
Scorpius
Scorpius
Malfoy
Scorpius
No, I don't hate you. I never hated you.
Lily
Lily:
Could have fooled me.
Scorpius
Scorpius
Look, if you want me to explain myself, it'll take a lot more space than this parchment's got.
Lily
Lily
I would advise you either get more parchment or start talking. This has gone on long enough, yeah? And I'm going to kill myself if you don't explain. Now.
Scorpius
Scorpius,
Found your letters from your hippogriff of lurrvve.
You saucy little minx.
Fondly,
James
P.S. Your nightstand drawer? Not such a good hiding place.
P.P.S. May I see the next one when you're done with it?
Lily
So... have you two decided to reenact every lame love/hate chick-flick on the planet, or what? You know, vicious rows that lead to snogging and first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Lily with a custody lawsuit baby carriage? Do you hate him or just want to shag him or what? The confusion-level in Gryffindor has skyrocketed and I think you sort of owe us some facsimile of explanation.
Eliza
Scorpius,
This has gone long enough? Are you even listening to yourself? Look, I don't want to play the part of the spiteful bitch who can't let go of the past, but was it me who attacked you and your best friend for years? I'm not overlooking Teddy's part in your stupid rivalry - I stopped making excuses for him years ago. It...wasn't the best way to impress me, Scorpius, but I never hated you. I knew you could do better.
Lily
Potter,
You are an infuriating woman, you know that? I was referring merely to this latest of debacles, what with you stealing and hexing my glasses and the rampant kleptomania and drunken snogging that ensued, but congratulations on dredging up the past in an entirely unnecessary manner. Are you even aware of how often you contradict yourself, or is it completely beyond your notice? "I don't mean to be a spiteful bitch, but..." "I didn't hate you, but I do think you're essentially the bottom of the proverbial human barrel.."
Make up your mind, yeah? Let me know if you do.
Scorpius
Malfoy,
You asked if I hated you. I said no. You asked me to explain. So I did. If you had made it a little more plain it was the glasses you wanted explained, that would have been easy. YOU WERE USING MY BREASTS AS TARGET PRACTICE. NO WOMAN LIKES HER GIRLS BEING COMPARED TO A QUIDDITCH HOOP. AN HOW ON EARTH DID YOU MISCONSTRUE MY LAST LETTER TO THINK THAT I SAID YOU WERE THE BOTTOM OF THE PROVERBIAL HUMAN BARREL?
Potter
Potter
I AM SORRY THAT YOU ARE SO FIXATED ON THE PAST THAT MY SIMPLE REMARK LEFT YOU COMPLETELY BEFUDDLED. IN THE FUTURE I WILL BE SURE TO SPECIFY, "PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT IS GOING ON RE: WHY YOU ACT LIKE YOU HATE ME BUT THEN YOU GET DRUNK AND SNOG ME USING REFERENCES TO EVENTS THAT HAVE OCCURRED ONLY WITHIN THE LAST SIX MONTHS".
Additionally I apologize for throwing ice at your chest. Clearly I mistook you for someone who would not hold a grudge over a childish (and harmless) incident for an OBSCENELY LONG TIME. The fault in that is entirely mine; past evidence does not support that conclusion.
AND HONESTLY DO I NEED TO EXPLAIN IT TO YOU? WHEN HAVE YOU EVER DONE ANYTHING while not under the influence of firewhisky TO INDICATE YOU DON'T THINK THAT?
Malfoy
Albus old chap,
Sexual tension, or am I just imagining things? The letters I am intercepting are getting incredibly worked up.
Me thinks this is far to good an opportunity to pass up. Prank time!
Before the lecture, remember... you still owe him one from that highly embarrassing incident I have sworn to never mention.
James
Malfoy
You want an explanation for why I snogged you? Let's think...
BECAUSE I BLOODY LIKE YOU.
Potter
Potter-
... What? Since when?
THIS IS PRECISELY THE SORT OF EXPLANATION I WAS GETTING AT EARLIER
Scorpius
Malfoy-
Since you stopped attacking my best friend, since you and I actually became friendly, and since I saw that you were capable of maturity and decent human emotion. I misjudged you, I made a mistake. Why is it so hard for you to accept that?
Lily
James,
Woah. Did you read her last letter? I managed to intercept it by offering Odysseus some bacon I stole from the kitchens after Charms. The owl nearly bit my hand off. If you haven't, let me tell you: Lily has practically told Scorpius that she fancies him.
I'm thinking the world will explode any minute now.
Albus
Lily -
Because this is the first time you've ever admitted to said mistake?
Well... alright, then. In my defense, Lily, you are a pretty confusing woman to read. Even Albus is perplexed by you sometimes, and he's practically a woman, so it isn't just me.
Anyhow I hardly think it's necessary for me to reinstate that I like you, and this written-medium-thing is bordering on tedium. And I'm pretty sure James has managed to read every single one of these. Fuck you, James. Shall we work this out face-to-face tonight? Hogsmeade, maybe?
(Yes, I know it's not a Hogsmeade weekend.)
-Scorpius
J,
HE CALLED ME A WOMAN! Bloody prat.
A
Albus and James,
Please tell Hugo that, just because Lily and Scorpius have, against all odds, gone all lovebirds on us, that does not mean that I will be flattered by badly-written self-singing sonnets he gives to me in the middle of the common room.
Eliza
Albus,
Well let's be honest, Albus, you are more like a woman than Scorpius or me, and mostly more than Hugo, and even more than Eleanor Midgen, all things considered. I think it's a fair point.
James
James,
This. Means. War.
Hope you like them. They're double D's.
Albus
My dearest Albus Severus Potter, former New Marauder, current traitor, ex-brother, and soon-to-be un-New-Maraudered,
I concede, emperor and conquerer of self, although I must warn you that the depths of my hatred for you knows no bounds. But as such, in thanks due to your new imperial position, I do so hope you enjoyed your 'new clothes', or lack thereof, this morning at breakfast.
SUCK ON THAT, BITCH
Cheers!
Messr. J. Potter, invincibly superior
James -
New style? Longer hair and you'll look just like a thoroughly disproportionate Bella, which I'm sure would thrill both of you.
Albus
Miss Potter,
I understand your need for some time, so I have come to a decision in which I excuse the lack of homework today. You will have to, of course, bring it tomorrow, otherwise, I will have to write it down and, alas, discount some points. However, I do believe you are responsible enough to take advantage of this rare opportunity I am giving you. I know you are really busy with your perfect duties and OWL studies, and I assumed you might also be, er, occupied with other more personal matters as well.
Please kindly inform Mr. Malfoy about this, too, as he is a perfect as well and might be having trouble with his own personal troubles just like you.
Professor McGonagall
Albus -
I don't see how McGonagall thinks rampant animalistic snogging counts as "personal troubles". This is an outrage! Mutiny!
Hugo
Messr. Malfoy,
While we appreciate and wholeheartedly congratulate you on having accomplished your life's personal crusade, we are appalled that said accomplishment was enough to divert your attention from the monthly meeting and related activities from which you were absent last night. Messr. Albus Potter, having been in such a state as note to notice you absence, has not been informed of this heinous crime, and will only be informed of such if you do not sufficiently repair the broken bonds of fraternity within twenty-four hours. Furthermore, one Marauder's Map will not be returned to you until such an act has been fulfilled.
Dutifully yours,
Messrs. James and Hugo
James, Hugo-
WHAT? HOW - FUCK - WHAT - Why didn't you come get me? Fuck! I thought it was next week - I had patrolling with Lily and I must've forgotten to check because it was with Lily and - oh, fuck. Shit. Fuck! My vocabulary of obscenities is not large enough to thoroughly express my emotions with regards to this issue! Shit! Did everything go okay? Is he okay? Are you okay, Sirius?
Fuck. I am so sorry, mates, honestly - how am I supposed to make it up to you?
Shit.
Eloquently
ETERNALLY REMORSEFUL,
Scorpius
Hugo,
We've got him over a barrel. What do we demand?
James
James-
Ooh! I've always fancied his Invisibility Cloak? Think he'd give it to me if we ask meanly enough?
-Hugo
James - No, I don't want to know something you know that I don't if you keep asking me in a sing-song voice.
Scorpius - No matter how many bars of chocolate you give me, that guilty look is far too recognizable.
Hugo - I refuse to believe Scorpius gave you that cloak. It cost him a bloody fortune and he loves that thing probably more than he loves my sister, Lily.
Please tell me what the bloody hell is going on.
- Albus
Albus, old buddy, old pal,
I would just like to preface this letter with a reminder of how wonderful and benevolent and forgiving you are, and how blessed I am to consider you one of my dearest friends!
But basically in answer to your question, I might have... kind of... sort of... ...forgotten... about the full moon three days ago, what with Lily and Quidditch and perfect duties (WHICH IS NO EXCUSE, I KNOW), and I might have kind of sort of been on patrol with Lily rather than, ah, accompanying you in your time of need. I would naturally have abandoned perfect duties had I realized my grievous error, but unfortunately and inexcusably it slipped my mind entirely and James and Hugo are evidently too idiotic to think it might be a good idea to come get me.
I realize this is most HORRIBLE treachery and I am deeply abashed and ashamed and apologetic and astounded and lots of other adjectives that start with 'a'. Initially James and Hugo offered to keep this a secret, so as to not insult you and also because they're greedy manipulative gits but clearly you are TOO ASTUTE to be tricked, as we should have realized, and honestly is the best policy and I want my Cloak back. I only hope you can find it in your heart-of-hearts to forgive me. Please?
Sincerely, regretfully, sorrowfully, et cetera et cetera,
Scorpius
Scorpius,
You can have the cloak back if you promise to stop snogging my sister in front of me.
Albus
Albus,
Done.
Scorpius
Author's note: I didn't get someone to beta this story, but I was super careful with my spelling and grammar. I know in the book Scorpius doesn't have glasses, but when I was thinking of story ideas I thought that it would be a great idea if Lily was to take something from Scorpius to start a huge commotion throughout Hogwarts and the only thing I could think of was a pair of glasses. I have them being the new marauders because I couldn't think of anyone to be friends with Scorpius. Teddy I kinda have portrayed as a bad guy because i think that he and Lily would have been close when they were younger and Teddy would have tormented James, Albus, and their friends with Lily constantly making excuses for you enjoy.
Updated Author's Note: So apparently there was a format issue that no one told me about when I fixed a few mistakes a couple months back sorry guys.
Scorily4ever