Rating: I guess T because later on there'll be stuff like mentions of suicide/suicidal thoughts and maybe some violence, but nothing major. Just a warning for later chapters!
Paring: Ryou/Bakura (It will happen later on! Just kind of hinting at it for now)
A/N: I apologize in advance for any ooc-ness or getting facts wrong, this story slightly deviates away from cannon and takes place after the last arc where everyone goes to bury their millennium items. I always liked the idea that Ryou didn't take part in that and kept his ring, so that's what this is about! Also, this is more of an angsty story, so if that's not your thing, don't read! Not sure how long this will be, but I will work on more chapters. And do we even need to say we don't own Yugioh anymore?
For whatever reason, Ryou dreaded human interaction. He absolutely hated dealing with people on any level. If he could have his way, he would stay inside his apartment forever and never worry about the outside world. But that was completely unrealistic. There wasn't really anything appealing about socializing or interacting to him.
Ryou walked home from school, remembering he had to get groceries. That could wait till later; he was exhausted, as he hadn't slept for two days. The worst part was that he didn't know why. It wasn't like he had stayed up late doing anything, or that he was sick, or anything like that. He just could not sleep, no matter how hard he tried or how early he went to bed. Because of this, school was getting harder and harder for him. He was sleeping less and less, and his grades were falling. He always got good grades despite not being interested in school. It used to come naturally to him. But lately, he just didn't care. When he had left school minutes earlier, Ryou passed by his friends, or what he thought were his friends. They probably saw him there, but nobody made any notice of it. They just carried on like normal, forgetting he existed for the moment. Ryou hardly cared. He never felt much of a personal connection with any of them - even though Yugi was also a holder of a Millennium item - and they never really seemed to connect with him, either. In fact, he felt annoyed that they all ended up in the same class. Ryou proffered to be alone.
But something bothered him about the fact that they had ignored him. Somehow, he felt responsible for it. That was the feeling he hated the most; probably something he held onto from his childhood. When Ryou was a child, he dreaded being caught doing even the smallest, most forgivable mishaps. Of course every child is scared of being punished or caught doing something bad, but Ryou's fear was far more extreme than most. There was never any abuse or even mistreatment going on, but Ryou experienced full blown panic attacks as a child. Even if it was just his mom catching him eating a cookie before dinner, he felt extreme waves of guilt and anxiety over the smallest things. This caused him lots of problems as a child, as he constantly cried and wanted to be alone. He felt like a very bad boy, the worst of them all, and nothing except simply riding out the feeling would stop it.
That's what he felt like as he saw people that he thought were his friends ignore him. A bad boy. He wished he knew what was wrong, what he did to drive them away. Whatever it was, he knew it was his own fault, even if he never liked them much anyway. He loathed upon loathed imperfections within himself; unfortunately, he no longer had the fortitude to care anymore. He was utterly beat, exhausted.
Finally, he reached his apartment complex. After the exhausting task of walking up the stairs to reach his home, Ryou wanted nothing else but rest. He promised himself he'd just take a short nap and finish his homework; he was trying hard to force himself to care about school again. Unfortunately, this was not the case, as the second he hit the bed, he was out.
Morning came quicker than he had hoped. He relished his time asleep; he just had to lay there and do nothing, and at least in his dreams, he was free of everything he hated in life. As he woke up, he remembered he had forgotten to do his homework, and he had fell asleep in his school clothes.
"At least I won't have to get ready," he said blandly, to no one.
School wasn't for another hour or so, so maybe he could afford a half hour or so of sleep. After all, he felt in no mood for breakfast. He had not felt the desire or energy to eat for at least a few days. He lay back down, pulling the covers over his head so he could hide. From what, he wasn't quite sure. Fatigue and exhaustion soon took over.
Ryou awoke with a startle when he heard his alarm go off. Although he had been asleep for at least an hour, it felt like just a few minutes. Anytime he'd even considered going to school, he couldn't muster enough physical or mental strength to do it. School was out of the question. His stomach ached at the mere thought of having to go. He'd have to stay awake enough to even pretend he was listening. He would have to actually do something, do work, pay attention, take notes; he felt mentally exhausted at the idea and told himself this was impossible. But the worst was that he would have to deal with people he barely liked. Yugi was kind, but after everything that had happened, he seemed to be distancing himself. Jounouchi was more or less the same, but then again, he had never really taken to Ryou or paid the boy much attention. Honda was polite and cheerful as always, but like Yugi, seemed to want to talk to Ryou less and less. Forget about Kaiba, he seemed to hate everyone in class and could never be considered a friend by anyone. Anzu was probably the only person out of the group who still made an effort to talk to and socialize with him. Even though their contact was strained at best, he felt he could still say she was somewhat still his friend. Ryou had chosen to not toss away his Millennium item, for whatever reason, and felt that everyone held that against him.
Ryou was utterly alone, he realized. His sister and mother were dead. His father was never home, and even when he was, their interactions were small and seemed more out of convenience. His mother died before Amane. After his sister's death, his father stayed at home less and less, always finding excuse after excuse on why he was never there. Ryou gave up after a while, realizing it would never change. Not even his family wanted him. His sister was always the one they loved, and even in death, he would never measure up to her. His parents never had cared much for him; even when Ryou was small, they never played with or paid much attention to him. They were far more interested in Amane than anyone else. How could he blame his father; Amane was always sweet and adorable, always happy and ready to please everyone around her. The pride of the family, the favorite, the one who would probably succeed and outdo everyone. He sighed sadly at the thought of her, Amane, his beautiful and unfortunately diseased sister, who was nothing like Ryou. Ryou was different, he was opposite his sister. He had no promise in life, he had nothing he was good at, and his social skills were lacking. He had no friends, no real family, no future.
Ryou laid there all morning and thought more and more about his failures; found even the smallest and most arbitrary faults within himself. The smallest imperfections seemed gigantic and made him feel even more worthless than he thought possible. Ryou tried not to cry at the realization that, should he cease to exist, nobody would probably notice, or for that matter, care. If at this very moment, he suddenly disappeared off the face of the earth, not a single soul would really be bothered. His life was utterly worthless. Curled under his blankets, alone, Ryou began to sob and was unable to stop.
There was no way he was going to be able to go to school.
Ryou woke up yet again to another empty apartment. When he was younger, he used to hope he'd wake up and his father would be home, preferably with another gift or ancient relic. Anything that proved his father remembered he existed. But that was only a fantasy he'd long abandoned now.
Instead, he lay there and stared at the ceiling. The same ceiling he always seemed to be staring at. He realized without much care that he didn't even know who lived above him. When he wasn't at school or running errands, he was inside his apartment, so socializing with his neighbors never really came across his mind. The boy sighed as he looked at his clock, realizing he had spent most of the day asleep. It was now roughly eight at night, so there wasn't much point in staying awake when most of the day was gone.
"It always seems to end up this way..." Ryou sighed, thinking about how the next day and the next after that and so on would be this way also. He closed his eyes again, feeling suddenly that he was not alone in the apartment.
He sighed in annoyance as he realized that it was just the spirit of his Millennium ring, his other half, Bakura.
"Why would I care if it was my father...?" he thought with a hint of sadness.
"Yes? What do you want?" Ryou always felt vaguely annoyed when the malicious spirit came to him, thought the visits were becoming more regular.
Bakura was his usual, nihilistic and annoying self. This never ceased. At least something in Ryou's life was somewhat constant. Bakura did not feel like answering and instead just watched Ryou with a smug look of arrogance. This used to unnerve him, but now it was just a minor issue. Ryou waited for his answer, still staring at the ceiling.
But the truth was, Bakura didn't know what he wanted. He just wanted to be there. "Is there an issue? Do I need a reason to visit you? Nobody else is going to check on you, and we both know that."
Ryou hated to admit that it was probably true. His father called maybe once a week if that to make sure nothing was going on, and his so called friends never visited, called, or texted him for anything. He was shocked when they invited him to Egypt to discard the Millennium items, which he now wished he had gone along to do.
Ryou nodded and tried to think of something else. He never fully understand why he didn't want to get rid of his ring. He just felt in the pit of his stomach that he might regret it later.
"You're here to mock me, right? Or take control of my body? go ahead. I don't care. I don't have anything for you right now." Ryou used to beg and protest at the simplest threat, but that too was a thing of the past. In the past few months, his energy and will to fight was next to nothing. "So, please just tell me what you want."
Something in Ryou was changing; even Bakura could see that. He didn't necessarily want to start a fight, but he didn't like how pathetic Ryou was being. Just laying there and taking it. Just giving up and resigning to life. Not that there was much to live for, but still, it was pathetic and quite honestly a joke.
"Fine, if that's what you want." Bakura sighed in annoyance. "Just kind of wondering what the hell you're even here for. Clearly, there's nothing for you to do here. Your family is gone, you have no friends. I'm just a little curious as to what's going on, I guess. I'm kind of bored here all by myself. You're no fun to toy with anymore."
There was nothing to say. Ryou really couldn't care less. He just wanted to go take a bath and go back to bed, and with Bakura here, that probably wasn't going to happen. But why did Bakura want to talk to him?
"I'm boring now? No fun? Since when did you think I was interesting or fun?" Honestly, what was Bakura talking about?
"It was fun to watch you mess up, watch you do something stupid. Now that you aren't doing stupid things anymore, I have no reason to help you anymore."
A sad silence filled the air as the reality of their words sunk in. The other spirits of the Millennium items had been laid to rest, so there was no need to fight or do anything anymore. The other holders of the items had all moved on. The others were all going to college or getting jobs or moving away. It wasn't like Bakura had a reason to appear or even exist anymore. This actually saddened Ryou a bit.
"Please stop. I'm honestly not in the mood for this right now." Bakura normally would have kept on taunting the poor boy, but there was something in Ryou's voice that sounded off. Ryou sounded utterly defeated, he sounded exhausted and unemotional. Dead, almost. As much as the ancient spirit loved to torment his counterpart, something in him told him to stop.
Bakura didn't press the issue, he didn't try to argue. He just sat at the edge of the bed and waited for something to happen. Waited for Ryou to show some kind of weakness, something that would give him a reason to mock the other. But nothing happened. Although he certainly felt annoyed, there was another feeling in the back of his mind. Vaguely unrecognizable, he was actually feeling worried for his other half. Something was wrong, and even though Bakura was never really one for comforting, something had to be done. Even he found it crass to just sit there and ignore it.
Still a tad angry, Bakura looked Ryou over. His eyes were faraway and looked drained of life. His skin was pale and looked sickly. His hair looked like it needed to be brushed, and his hands were shaking and looked frail. His whole entire appearance was off. Although Ryou never exactly looked happy and cheerful, this lethargic and lifeless being was not him.
"So what's gotten into you? You're acting like the world has ended."
Ryou said nothing and lay there. He did not have the energy to get into yet another argument. Nothing would ever be able to fix his problems, he felt he was damaged and broken forever. As if Bakura would understand. He understood nothing, he never cared about his troubles beyond using them as a means of exchange to get what he wanted. He was selfish, never selfless; he had never cared about Ryou's problems in the past. He never worried about him, never tried to see what was wrong. Ryou felt angry at the thought, he was sick of having to give something in return. The evil spirit promised his protection at the price of inhabiting his body; there was always a catch when it came to dealing with Bakura.
Nothing was said for the longest time. An awful and long silence plagued the room, neither persons making an attempt to talk to each other. Ryou tried to imagine what Bakura was thinking. "Probably that I'm being an unreasonable, selfish, impractical waste of space..." After all, there was no reason for him to think otherwise...
For once though, Ryou did not feel threatened or scared by the presence of the spirit. Things had changed between them, for better or for worse. What would life be like now if he had gotten rid of his Millennium ring? Would he be this depressed, this lifeless? Would Yugi and the others want to be his friend? Maybe if he had gotten rid of the item, he might have friends...he might have had a chance, instead of being locked away all the time...As he fell asleep, he thought of his life without Bakura.
As Ryou slept, Bakura tried to think about what was happening. He felt frustrated, he had no idea what to say or do that would make anything better. That further added to his frustration; he felt confused as to why he even cared. Ryou was, to him, just a host, a person whose body he could use when he needed something. Despite being each other's other halves, they did not have much, if anything, in common. Ryou had always been everything Bakura hated; weak, unable to stand up for himself, and unrealistic. What was there to really like about Ryou? He was bland and there was not much of interest there. Even his family seemed to think so.
That struck a chord with Bakura. His family. Ryou didn't have a family. His family had either died or chose to stay away from him. As much as he loved making fun of his counterpart for his countless faults and flaws, that was one thing that would go untouched in that regard.
After all, Bakura had no family either. They were also forced away from him. Even though it was thousands of years ago that they were taken away, he couldn't help but remember what that felt like. "It's not his fault," he thought, much to his surprise. His thoughts turned back to his own family, his own struggles. He was convinced that he was over that; after all, they had been dead for millenniums. He didn't even remember their names or faces, or their relationship to him for that matter. But when he thought about Ryou's family situation and his problems, he couldn't help but remember the incident that happened so long ago.
Part of the problem with Ryou having friends - well, having them once upon a time - was the fact that he had been friends with Yugi. Here was the reincarnation of the very person who ordered the death of his family and destruction of his village. Yugi was thought of to be a sweet and caring person, and everyone loved him for it. They even loved the spirit who lived inside his puzzle, Atem, the man who ruined Bakura's life. Why would Ryou be friends with him? Didn't he care about Bakura, his other half, the person who had always stuck with him, no matter what happened? "That's right," he thought with a sigh, "he doesn't care."
Bakura angrily recalled an argument he had with Ryou one time over this very thing:
"I can be friends with whoever I want to. Yugi is a great person, and unlike you, he's a real friend. Like you would know about that." Ryou had recently taken to stick up for himself - no, that didn't sound right - attempting to stick up for himself. His attempts were always weak, and few and far between.
And yet, now, Yugi hardly wanted to talk to him. Bakura almost laughed at that, had it not made him full of rage. It was so hypocritical; Ryou first telling Bakura that he could be friends with anyone, including Yugi, and then Yugi leaves him because of Bakura. It made no sense. Had his host listened to him from the beginning, things could have been prevented. It made him angry to see him with these people, these people who never cared about his dear Ryou to begin with. Like a disapproving mother, he had known all along that one day, they would abandon him. He had proved right all along, which normally satisfied him deeply, but now it made him feel empty and annoyed.
He never could do anything right for Ryou. Even when he was being bullied by students and teachers, Bakura had saved him, had prevented it from happening, and Ryou was never thankful. He remembered that during the Battle City tournaments, he repossessed Ryou's body during the duel with Atem to prevent him from being injured. Always doing things to protect him, whether it was from oncoming traffic or people harassing him. Why did he bother? He never got any thanks for it, never was appreciated for what he did. Just given the cold shoulder and told how much he's hated. Yet his so called friends constantly told him to get rid of the Millennium ring, constantly told him that the spirit within him was evil and just wanted to hurt him.
"You'd be nothing without me," he muttered bitterly.
Bakura was getting weird. He was feeling things he had no idea what to call. He felt as though his heart was being ripped apart. Who was to say that he couldn't experience pain? Although he did not recognize it as that, he knew something was wrong within himself too. He had tried so hard to steel himself from everything; always being strong, always being tough, always knowing what to do. Yes, he was angry, frighteningly so, but most of all, he felt hurt. He felt unappreciated, not good enough. That was not good - Bakura had always told himself that he was too good for such lowly and petty emotions. So much that he had managed to keep himself from feeling them. But now, it was different. So easily he was able to become hurt, stepped upon, used even. Bakura mentally noted to never let this happen ever again. But for right now, much to his dismay, he had to admit his defeat.
He lay awake for hours, trying to piece together what exactly caused this to happen. But that was mentally exhausting. He opted to lie next to Ryou - angry as he was at his counterpart - and tried to get some rest for once. He and Ryou sure did have their fair share of issues. He had never been so close to Ryou before, at least not without it being a violent or somewhat heated encounter. Ryou was peaceful and somewhat angelic when he slept; listening to his slow breathing made it easy to fall asleep.
Even ancient spirits need sleep.