I had expected shouting when I told him. I'd expected a tantrum, thrown objects and failing fists, followed by a few purple bruises and a couple of weeks of cold-shouldering. What I got were tears.
Not at first, of course. At first, I was met only with a blank stare and wide, shocked eyes.
"It's just a fling, it's nothing," he said quietly. All the colour had drained from his face.
"No, Wolfram," I replied slowly. I had to keep calm. Wolfram was breathing harder and faster, and his shoulders were beginning to heave up and down, but I couldn't afford to let it faze me. I'd made up my mind on what I was going to do, and I was going to follow through with it no matter what. No more running away for Yuuri Shibuya. "It's not a fling. I love her."
"No," Wolfram said shakily. He was keeping his voice agonizingly quiet. In all honesty I would have preferred the jealous rage. "You can't. You're engaged to me. You can't."
"Yes, I can," I told him, as gently as I could. "I can't marry you, Wolf. I'm calling off the engagement."
"No." Wolfram began to shake his head, slowly at first, then faster and faster. "No, no, no..." His hands raised to grip his blond locks. "You can't, you can't..."
I opened and closed my mouth ineffectually, unable to think of anything to say that wouldn't sound insensitive or callous. I reached out to him awkwardly, closing my hands gently around his wrists. Instantly, his hands latched onto mine in a restricting vice.
"I won't let you," he whispered. His words were commanding, but I could see the sheer desperation hiding behind those green eyes.
I couldn't let it affect me. Not too much anyway. "I'm sorry, Wolfram," I said quietly. "I love her."
"But you're supposed to love me!" Wolfram cried, letting me go suddenly and taking a few quick steps back, his previously quiet voice rising to a high-pitched yelp, making me jump. "You're engaged to me, Yuuri!"
"I know, I know..." I didn't know what else to say. I outstretched my arms and moved towards him, trying to hug him. I expected him to push me away, but he clung to me, burying his face in my shoulder and breathing hard.
"Have her," he whispered shakily. His voice was muffled against my shirt, and I could barely hear. "Take a lover. Do whatever you want, I don't care – just come back to me in the end."
The desperation in his voice was completely unexpected, and it took me wholly by surprise. Wolfram, who had always been so eager to keep me away from flirtatious women, who was always the first to cry 'cheater' whenever I so much as glanced at another person, was suddenly so willing to give me away- as long as I went back to him in the end.
I shook my head. "I can't do that." I couldn't. I didn't love him. I had tried- oh God, I had tried. I was the one who had proposed, and he loved me. I had a duty to go through with the wedding. And I honestly thought I would- before Misaki came along.
She was kind, funny, human. She was my escape from the stress of life in Shin Mazoku, she made me feel normal. It had started out just as Wolfram had said- a fling, a meaningless getaway from my life as a demon king. But along the way it had developed into something more. I wanted to be with her, and she wanted to be with me. She made me happy- which was more than could be said for Wolfram.
Wolfram pulled away from me to look me straight in the eye. He wasn't crying, not yet, but he might as well have been.
"Please, Yuuri," he whispered. His chin trembled as he spoke. "I... I'm begging you. P-Please... please, please..."
I raised my hands to cup his face, halting his increasingly desperate pleas. "I can't."
I think that was when it truly hit home. Wolfram's face crumpled as he stepped away from me, hurriedly, as if I were red hot. A delicate hand flew to cover his mouth as he choked back a sob. It made me ache to see how hard he was trying not to cry, even though the tears that were swimming in his eyes had overflown and slid down his cheeks.
Then he broke down. He started howling, crying louder than I'd ever heard anyone cry before. Even louder than Greta after a bad dream.
I reached out to him, to take him in my arms and hold him, to provide even a slight bit of comfort against the heartbreak I had caused. He shoved me violently back. "Get away from me!" he screamed, backing away so that he bumped against the frame of our bed. He sat down on the mattress, picked up a pillow and wailed into it.
I couldn't stand it. Strong Wolfram, forceful, determined Wolfram, crying so helplessly, so hopelessly, as if the world was about to end. And all because of me, for what I did. I was beginning to think my relationship with Misaki wasn't quite worth it.
I couldn't bear staying there, with him, while he cried. I had to leave.
Wolfram wasn't at dinner that evening. Conrad went to check up on him, and my heart started pounding. I didn't want anyone to know what had happened, and selfish though it was, I could only pray that Wolfram wouldn't tell.
When he returned with a bright smile, I breathed a sigh of relief. "Wolfram isn't feeling well, so he won't be joining us for dinner today," he explained pleasantly. But then I caught his eye, and the knowing look he gave me spent ice shooting throughout my body. I knew Wolfram had told him.
Wolfram moved out of our shared bedroom that night. He skipped training and stopped attending family meals – the maids had to leave his dinner outside his door. He cried a lot. Every time I passed by his room I could hear his muffled sobs. It was those sobs that stopped me from knocking on the door and asking if we could talk.
I'll admit, I was frightened. I didn't know what to do. I loved Wolfram – just not in the way he wanted me to. But I didn't know how to explain that to him without sounding insensitive.
After a week, everyone in the castle knew about our break-up. I had tried to annul the engagement with as little fuss possible, but I knew deep down that there was no way I could hide it forever. Nobody spoke a word of it, but it hung in the atmosphere like a dense fog.
Things got quieter around Blood Pledge. Wolfram stopped crying, but he still rarely left his room. The only ones he would let in were his mother and occasionally Conrad and Gwendal. I was still waiting for the day where one of them would approach me and knock some sense into me. I almost wished that they would force me to propose again. That way, maybe the guilt that was eating away at me would stop.
It happened about a month after I had ended our engagement. A month of silence and isolation and not once seeing Wolfram's face. Knowing he was so close and yet being unable to even set eyes on him hurt more than I had expected. Conrad had just left Wolfram's room – I heard the door closing from my study across the hallway – and approached where I sat behind my desk.
"How is he?" I asked quietly.
Conrad sighed. "Very upset."
"He'll get over it." As soon as the words were out I was desperate to grab them back. I hadn't meant to sound so cruel and uncaring. I did care. I cared so much. Licking my lips nervously, I looked hopefully up at Conrad. "He... will get over it, won't he?"
"Maybe," Conrad replied.
"Maybe?" That wasn't what I wanted to hear. I missed my friend. I missed his tantrums and silly ideas. The person crying and withdrawn in his room – that wasn't the Wolfram I knew.
Conrad sighed again and took a seat beside me, shirting it around so he was facing me. That was when I knew I was in for a long lecture. "Yuuri," he began. His abandonment of the usual 'your majesty' set me oddly on edge. "Why do you think Wolfram never let you talk to women? Why he called you a cheater when you did?"
I looked down at my lap, suddenly five years old and being scolded by my schoolteacher in front of the class. "Because he was jealous," I mumbled. Conrad let out a soft, humourless chuckle and shook his head.
"No," he said gently. "No, Yuuri, that's not it. It was because he was scared."
I looked up at him, confused. "I... I don't understand."
"Wolfram knew from the start he that you had no intention of loving him," Conrad explained quietly. "He knew that if a reasonably kind, attractive girl were ever to show serious interest in you, he wouldn't stand a chance. Do you understand what I'm trying to tell you?"
I nodded. I understood all right. "H-He thought that if he kept me away from girls..."
"That you wouldn't get the chance to hurt him." Conrad finished for me. "And who knows, you might have even accepted him. He knew you couldn't ever love him, Yuuri. He just wanted you to accept him."
That wasn't true. I did love him. I just didn't want to marry him.
I stared down at my lap.
"Let me tell you something else about my little brother," Conrad said softly. "He's the type of person who doesn't trust people easily, but when he does, he'll trust you forever. His hate is the strongest – but his love is the strongest too."
I wanted to block my ears, to scream, to order Conrad away so I didn't have to hear what he was telling me. If Wolfram loved forever, then what would happen? Would he just keep on loving me until he died, even though I broke his heart and left him crying the way I did? The life of a Mazoku was a long one. I imagine Wolfram, long after I had died, still loyal to me. So hopelessly, helplessly in love.
I couldn't bear it. Tears stung my eyes, and before I knew it I was crying like a baby. Conrad hugged me and held me and told me it was okay, that it wasn't my fault – not entirely. But I knew it was. I had stood by and watched Wolfram fall in love with me. And I had done nothing to stop it.
Misaki and I broke up after six months. I suppose it was my fault. After the incident with Wolfram, I couldn't even look at her without feeling guilty. Every time I kissed her, all I could hear were Wolfram's muffled whimpers, and all I could taste was the salt of his tears. She didn't understand – how could she? To her, it must have looked like I had lost interest in her.
When she broke things off between us, I barely felt sad at all. I was too fixated on the past to even care about the present. I couldn't stop thinking about all the little things, the tiny hints I had given that Wolfram would inevitably have taken the wrong way. Like that time he tried to hold my hand under that table. I was about to snatch my hand away when I saw Wolfram's face, redder than the lobster we were eating. I didn't have the heart to pull away, even though Wolfram's hands were horribly cold and clammy.
And the time where, just before Lady Celi's birthday celebration, Wolfram and I had practised ballroom dancing together. I knew Wolfram knew the steps inside out and back to front, but he still kept stepping on my toes. When I thanked him for helping me, he looked so happy he embarrassed even himself. I didn't understand why he had been so upset when I had then danced with a girl at the actual party.
And the countless, countless times where he had cuddled up to me in the middle of the night, and I, stupidly, had wound an arm around his shoulders and hugged him close to my chest.
All those times, he was shaking like a leaf. Back then, I didn't know why. But I did now.
I was the worst. I had given him hope, and then taken it all away.
Wolfram did get better, eventually. It took him a long time to gather the strength to leave his room, and when he did I was too much of a coward to greet him. Greta was the one to welcome him back to civilisation, throwing herself into his arms and giving him a big hug. He smiled and hugged her back, telling her she needn't have been worried. Like nothing had happened.
Months passed, and I still didn't dare approach him. He looked so happy, so normal that I didn't want to ruin it by bringing back unnecessary pain. Instead I watched from afar, allowing myself just a little forgiveness as he forced his troops to run three more laps. The months turned into years, and eventually I was certain Wolfram had forgotten me, despite living so close. I never forgot him though. Not once.
Gwendal and Gunter tried to discreetly push me into choosing a bride, thinking a marriage would improve relations between countries, and though many of the women I met were perfectly kind, polite and intelligent – perfect Queen material – I was never interested in any of them. All I could think of was Wolfram, and how I hurt him, and would I hurt one of these girls in the same way?
Three years since our break-up, Wolfram surprised everyone by announcing he was getting married, to a Lady Rosalind of the neighbouring province. There was much confusion, much celebration, and for the first time in three years I could breathe again. Wolfram had moved on. I didn't have to punish myself any more.
Lady Rosalind was a quiet, graceful woman with long chestnut hair and the palest blue eyes I had ever seen. She treated us all with utmost respect and seemed to genuinely love Wolfram, unafraid to hold his hand and kiss him in company. It was clear Wolfram would be far happier with her than he would with me. He didn't yell at her or question her morals once, for starters.
After three years of guilt, I finally started to smile again.
The night before Wolfram's wedding, Blood Pledge Castle was alive with celebration. It took only three cocktails for Celi to be flirting with every man from Rosalind's province; Annissina was trying to trick people into testing a new drink she had concocted, passing it off as wine; Greta was chatting with Rosalind and her friends; Yozak was drunkenly pushing Conrad and telling him to loosen up; Gunter was dancing with his daughter, and Gwendal... Gwendal was in the corner, nursing a glass of wine and trying very hard to make yet another permanent wrinkle on his forehead.
Midnight passed and the party showed no signs of dying down. I made my way to my bedroom anyway – the last thing I wanted was to sleep in with a hangover and be late for Wolfram's wedding. I had just changed into my pyjamas when I heard a knock at the door.
"Hi." The voice was quiet, meek almost. I looked up to find Wolfram lingering in the doorway, looking a little worse for wear with his eyes and nose red. I suddenly remembered I hadn't seen him at all at the party.
"W-Wolfram..." I hadn't spoken his name in so long. It felt foreign on my tongue.
Wolfram inched over to me and sat down on the bed, perching stiffly on the very end. I sat down beside him, looking all around the room, at my lap, at the plush carpet. Anywhere but at him.
"So," I began awkwardly. "You're getting married, huh?"
"Yes," Wolfram replied just as curtly. There followed a long, excruciating silence that was eventually broken by Wolf's sigh. "I don't love her."
I started at his words. "Wh-What?"
"You heard."
I shook my head, my mouth opening and closing in a realistic goldfish impression. "Y... You don't mean Rosalind do you? ...Why are you marrying her?" I managed to ask.
"She wants me to," Wolfram replied plainly. "She is a good woman, I could never hurt her. And because I do not love her, she can never hurt me either."
"But – you're getting married! S-Surely you... Wolfram, you can't marry her if you don't love her! That... that..." I struggled to find the words. "That's not fair!"
Wolfram looked at me properly for the first time in years. Goosebumps broke out on my skin as I saw the look in his eyes was exactly the same as it had been the day I left him. Desperate. Lonely.
"What's 'fair' got to do with it?" he snapped. He let out a short, sharp laugh as he got to his feet and marched across the room. "Life isn't fair. If it was..." He trailed off into silence. Slowly, he wrapped his arms around himself and ducked his head so that his blonde hair slid down over his back. I'd never seen him more isolated and alone.
"I love you," he whispered. I slapped a hand to my forehead. I'd known it was coming, but that didn't mean I wanted to hear it. Why me? Why now, when I was finally thinking about forgiving myself?
"Wolfram, please don't," I begged. "Rosalind - "
"You have the wrong idea about us," Wolfram interrupted. "I bet you think I'm being selfish. That I'm not thinking of her. Well Yuuri, I might not love her, but she is a kind person and I care for her very much. But how can I love her when all I can think about is you? Even when I close my eyes, all I see is you!"
"Wolfram, no..."
"Even when she kissed me... even when she touched me... was I so wrong for wishing she was you?" His voice grew thicker and higher, and I knew I wouldn't be able to stand it if he started crying again. Getting up, I hurried over to him and wrapped my arms around his body, breaking his protective barrier as his back pressed firmly against my chest.
"I'm sorry," I whispered against his neck, his hair tickling my nose. "For everything. I'm sorry."
"So am I," said Wolfram bitterly, ignoring my tight hold on him. "I tried to stop loving you. I really tried. But I couldn't. I can't. I have to get out of here, Yuuri. Do you have any idea how it feels, seeing you every day and knowing I can never, never be with you?"
"It doesn't have to be that way," I said hopefully.
Wolf squirmed for the first time. "What do you mean?" he asked.
I pulled away and spun him around so that he was facing me. Clutching his shoulders, I looked him straight in the eye and said, "Marry me."
And that was when the tears in Wolfram's eyes became too much for him, and a single drop slid down his cheek. He wiped it away furiously, throwing off my hands. "I-Idiot! I don't want you to marry me out of pity," he spat. I bit my lip.
"It's not that..." Not just that anyway. It was also selfishness and stupidity and guilt. Maybe if I married Wolfram, then this could all be over and my conscience would finally let me be.
But Wolfram shook his head. "Don't ask me that Yuuri, please don't," he said quietly. "If you do, I won't be able to say 'I do' tomorrow. I still have pride. Not much, but some. Even if you did love me, things would never be able to go back to the way they were."
"Th-They could..." I said weakly, though I knew he was right and I was only trying to comfort myself with idealistic fantasies. I had lost Wolfram long ago. I had to accept it.
"After tomorrow, I will go with Rosalind to her province. I won't see you for a while. That's why I came here – to say goodbye," Wolfram told me. I couldn't help but think that the same goodbye could have easily been said three years ago.
I swallowed. "Okay," I murmured. "C-Congratulations on your... marriage."
Wolfram forced a smile and awkwardly outstretched a hand. "Thank you." I took it and shook it limply. As soon as felt Wolfram go to move away, I tightened my grip to keep him still. Then I pulled him roughly towards me and threw my arms around him.
"I love you," I whispered again his hair, my lips brushing his ear.
Wolfram squirmed and struggled, and eventually gave up and relaxed against me. "I-I love you too," he squeaked, his hands clutching the back of my pyjama shirt.
It wasn't the same type of love. But it was the best both of us could do.
The next day I watched over Wolfram's wedding. He was all bright smiles and warm laughter, looking almost ethereal in his white wedding garb. The polar opposite of the small, vulnerable person who had wept on my shoulder only hours before. Rosalind looked equally stunning in her feather-light gown that hung about her in a white mist. They were all too happy to pose and kiss for the cheering guests. They were, on the outside, the perfect newly-weds.
I didn't cry at the wedding. I didn't want to make things any harder for Wolfram than they already were. I wore the same happy mask he did until I was finally alone in my bedroom. Then I let the tears fall. Greta crept into my room and saw. Without a word, she clambered onto my lap and wrapped her arms around my neck. Of course. I wouldn't be the only one who would miss Wolfram.
"It'll be okay, Papa-Yuuri," Greta whispered. "We should be happy... Papa-Wolfram is going to be fine. He'll visit us soon. Don't cry, Papa..."
I took a deep breath and wiped my eyes, pushing Greta back slightly and I could look at her tear-stained face. So typical of Greta. Worrying about me when it was I who should have been thinking of her. She was about to say goodbye to one of the people who had raised her.
"You're right," I choked out. "Let's go and say goodbye to Wolfram together, shall we?"
She nodded sadly, and I lifted her chin to look at her. "Hey, hey, what's with the long face? Cheer up, big girl." I stood up, lifting her and spinning her around in the air. She shrieked with delight, and hugged me tight when I brought her back to my chest.
"I love you Papa-Yuuri," she murmured.
"I love you too," I said, smiling down at her sadly.
At I found just a little comfort in knowing that at least the love we shared was the same.
–
I'm not all too satisfied with the ending, but I'm going out in half an hour and I really wanted to get it finished before then!
Another tragic YuuRam from lilacbird. Who'd have thought? Though KKM is a comedy, I can see such angst potential in Yuuri and Wolf's relationship!
Please review and tell me what you think! I'd be very grateful.