AN/ So, I know this is coming as a shock to most of you, but I couldn't help myself from trying something new. I know, it's bit unexpected from me, but I have already written a story about JJ dating every other member of the team, so I felt it was time that Rossi felt the love--for real this time. Thanks to Tracia for looking it over for me, and to all of you who are recoiling in horror, I promise I've got other JJ/Hotch stuff in the works. I also wanted to throw my hat in for a fun challenge created by Sienna and Kavi. Thanks!
Prompt: Damages: Do You Regret What We Did?
She quickly picked up the files on the Conference Table, eager to get out of the room. They had been playing this dance for almost a month. He would pretend like everything was normal, that the cool April night in North Carolina was just like any other. She would find any excuse not to be in the same room with him.
Their dance had been innocent enough to start with. A casual drink here, a dinner invitation there--until they discovered just how wrong the both of them were. People had it wrong, Ohio wasn't for lovers, that was all in North Carolina; Ohio was where the awkward avoidance was, along with every other state and territory in the continental US. But back in the place where it had all began, JJ was finding that she was already in too deep.
David Rossi watched the retreating blonde with a glint in his eye. What had begun as an innocent, harmless game of chase the unavailable was going to end up putting him in the ground. Because as much as he wanted to admit that the retreating blonde was just like any other conquest of his forty some odd years, he knew it wasn't true. Jennifer Jareau was something different, something special, and just like anything good in his life, he had ruined it.
She was better without him. She would be happier without him.
At least that's what he told himself at night.
But looking at the door that she had used to escape his presence, he wasn't so sure anymore.
JJ sighed as Spence droned on about the probabilities of rapists turning into something or other. She scolded herself for allowing her mind to wander. Wandering was dangerous. Particularly when she and a certain profiler were in the same zip code.
Because allowing her mind to wander meant that she would soon remember how good it felt to wake up in his arms. Allowing her mind to wander would bring the question that always seemed to be in the back of her mind, "What am I doing here? Is this even the right thing?"
She had thought that she was sure. After their discussion, she had been certain that they had no future. That it was cruel to bring someone into Henry's life, just to have it be a whirlwind romance. She had vowed that she was done being swept off her feet. Fairy tale romances had no place in her world anymore, and for the sake of her son, she had to be cautious.
Because allowing herself to feel, allowing herself to get caught, that had only led her to get pregnant with Will's child. And thathadn't ended well. If she were honest with herself, she would admit that the problems she and Will had were mostly because of her. Because she just didn't want him. He was a wonderful person, and a fantastic father, but William LaMontagne was a knight in shining armor. And Jennifer Jareau had never been a princess that needed saving.
For a while, she tried. She tried to be the woman with the perfect life. The woman who had the perfect husband, the perfect in-laws, the perfect son...but in the end, it was never going to work. Because although everything in her life may have been perfect, she would never be. She had always known she was damaged, cynical, and beyond hope when it came to romance, but it all culminate one February evening as she realized that she just couldn't do it anymore. She was never meant to be perfect.
So breaking up with an understanding Will had been hard. Explaining her reasoning to Garcia had been impossible, but she was moving on. And then came the rut, after all the progress she had been making, she now found herself hung up on a rough, callous Italian man who was nearly twenty five years her senior. The irony was almost astounding.
"JJ--" Reid pressed, after what JJ assumed was a question that she was supposed to answer.
"Erm...Yeah." She gave him a light smile, wondering if he could possibly be fooled by it. Much to her chagrin, her looked at her for a moment, almost as if he could read right through her and her transparent facade, but with a small sigh, he desisted, allowing her a few private thoughts of her own.
"So, like I was saying..." He continued without further provocation, not failing to notice how JJ's eyes lingered on the window of the War Room.
"Yeah." She responded absent mindedly. "Sounds good." She finished, grabbing a few stray files and retreating from the profilers who eyed her with curiosity.
"Oh, she's got it bad." Morgan observed as JJ found a file to immerse herself in.
"Ever since they called it off, things have been tense." Emily agreed.
"Where's JJ?" Hotch said as he came up to the group of profilers. "I need her and Dave to go interview a witness."
"Together?" JJ asked, having heard Hotch asking for her. Cursing her question for making her look weak, she simply waited for his response.
"Yes. Together. Is that going to be a problem?" She could easily detect the protective tone in his voice. She and Hotch had always had a special connection, and she knew that the Unit Chief would go to great lengths to protect her.
But she didn't need to be protected.
"No, that's fine. I'll get ready to go." She quickly retreated, not willing to let Hotch or any of the other profilers see the dread in her face.
Hopefully the witness lived close and there wouldn't be much to talk about.
"So, do you think we did the right thing?" Dave asked, interrupting the silence as they drove to the witnesses house. Unfortunately, the witness lived almost an hour away from the precinct, foiling JJ's hope for a quick interview.
"What do you mean?" JJ asked evasively, not wanting to discuss what was happening between them.
"Giving up on the two of us--together. Do you think it was a mistake to end it, or even to start in the beginning? Do you regret it?" He asked, suddenly needing to know.
"No." She said softly, not bothering to clarify whether she thought it was a mistake to end it, or if she regretted their brief entanglement, or even if it were both of the two options.
"No?" He pried. He wasn't about to let this go.
"No." She repeated. After a moment of silence, she relented. "No, I don't regret it."
"Me neither." He said softly, silence permeating the SUV once more.
"What about you, do you think we did the right thing?" She asked.
"No." He responded as softly as she had before.
"No?" It was her turn to look at him in surprise.
"I'm sure we did the right thing." He said, a pang of longing striking his chest as he fought viciously to ignore it.
"Oh." She said lamely, not sure what she had expected him to say.
Seeing her turmoil, he moved to explain himself. "JJ, look. I'm damaged. You deserve far better than I could ever offer. It's just--It's better this way."
The awkardness of the car ride did not dissipate as time went on. The interview with the potential witness went well, but there were no new leads or avenues for them to connect with the current information. Disheartened, they reentered the SUV, intent on returning to the station as quickly as possible.
"Who are you to decide what I deserve?" JJ asked midway into their drive.
"Excuse me?" Rossi asked, completely floored by the venom in her voice.
"Who are you to tell me what I deserve? Who are you to decide that you are damaged? Maybe I'm damaged too."
"JJ, I'm a jackass. I will always be a jackass. You deserve better than that."
"You're not my father." She spat out angrily.
"I should hope not." He chuckled, his levity only adding to her frustration.
"You have no right to tell me what is good for me, what I should and shouldn't do." She said softly, the decible of her words in complete contrast with the anger behind them. "Go to hell."
"What did I do?" Rossi asked in exasperation. "I'm just--"
"Damaged? Well, news flash, so am I. That's why I broke up with Will, I wasn't perfect. I couldn't be perfect. And everytime I think of what we could be together, it makes me miserable. Every time I see us apart and realize that we will never be together, I'm miserable. Every moment I spend around you, I'm miserable. But as long as I'm around you, I love being miserable." She admitted, turning away from him so that she didn't have to look at him. If she could just focus on the passing farmhouses, she could almost pretend as if she wasn't mere feet away from the man who had captivated her fantasies of late.
"You are notdamaged." Rossi scoffed.
"Fine." JJ rolled her eyes, not willing to argue.
The rest of the car ride passed in silence as the pair reflected on their own thoughts. Pulling up to the Precinct, they both knew that this was their last chance. The moment they walked into that police station would be the final moment in anything that could pass as a relationship between the two.
"You aren't damaged." Rossi insisted softly as he stood by JJ's side. "You are perfect." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.
"Yeah. Right." JJ laughed with self derision. "That's why I broke up with my son's perfect father. That's why I can't seem to do anything right when it--" Her well planned argument was cut off as he grabbed her hand and pulled her into him.
"I--" He started, fumbling for the words. "JJ, I'm not good at this." He admitted.
"You think I am?" She retorted, sighing and pulling away slightly. Her resistance was met as the strong arms held onto her more tightly, as if he were clutching onto his last chance of happiness.
"I love being miserable too." He said finally, placing his hand beneath her neck and drawing her lips to his.
"Dave--" She attempted to interrupt, only to close the gap between their bodies herself.
For one earth shattering moment, it was as if time stood still. It was as if nothing in the world mattered other than the two Agents standing outside the North Carolina precinct in the end of July.
The moment passed far too quickly as JJ came to her faculties. "Dave, we shouldn't--"
Devastated by her words, he abruptly pulled away. "You're right, it's--"
"Do this here." JJ finished, smiling slightly. She wasn't about to lose this again. She had managed to push away everything good in her life. Not this time.