Name: Songs That Reach Their Souls
Disclaimer: NOT MINE!!! None of it. Not even the song
Summary: Different songs that represent the crumbling lives of the Cullens.
Notes: All the powers I've given Esme are completely made up. :) And I changed a few words in the song 'until i saw your blue eyes cry.' is now 'until i saw your black eyes cry.'
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I have to block out thoughts of you so I don't lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I'm alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
Carlisle hadn't been the same since Esme had left. Esme hadn't left by choice, no. She couldn't have. She had been taken by them. By those damn, good for nothing, vampires that insisted on ruining everything in Carlisle's life. The Volturi. They had taken her. They had given dumb excuse like, she was too powerful to understand her powers. Yeah right. Esme had always known of her powers. She had hidden them to keep Carlisle and the rest of the family safe. Mind reading, visions, the ability to torture and to heal, to mess with your emotions, kill without touching you. Esme had all of the powers that any vampire could possibly think of. And yet, she had still gone with them. Maybe she had wanted to. Could she have wanted to?
Carlisle had to block out all the thoughts and memories he had of her. If he didn't he would go insane. And yet, small little memories still invaded his mind. The way her perfume smelled, the way she had made that one Thanksgiving dinner that Bella and Charlie had been over, the way she had never fussed at him for working long shifts and never being home, the way she had an unhealthy way of bottling up all of her problems and releasing them in a flood of things that were barely related.
Those memories messed with Carlisle. They made him distant. He would lock himself in his office and just stare at the wall or out the window. He couldn't deal with the problems that everyone else had. He couldn't deal with everything in life, well, what little life he had left. He would sit there and remember Esme. Remember the way she would moan and grab onto him. The way she would look at him when she wanted him. The way she kissed him after they finished. God, he missed her.
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. Will you never call again?
And will you never say that you loved me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space.
Carlisle hated himself. He had let them take her. Let Jane and Alec barge into the house, his house, and drag his wife out. Esme had screamed at him. Begged him. Carlisle remembered the begging. She had begged him to help her. That they were to strong. That she needed him to help her get away from them. She had been dragged away crying. Crying and begging for him, her husband, to help her get away from the monsters that were taking her away their family.
Carlisle would sit in his office and his mind would travel. He would wonder if Esme was o.k. If they had killed her. If they were controlling her, making her do things with her powers that she never wanted to do. Making her commit crimes that she never thought she would be able to commit. Carlisle had asked Alice once, just once, if she could see what had happened to Esme. Alice had stared at him with black eyes and slapped him across the face. She had called him a bastard and walked out of the room. Carlisle took that reaction as a yes. And if it did mean yes, that meant Esme had done something, anything, that went against what she believed.
Esme had to hate him. She couldn't possibly love him. She had to want him dead. Carlisle didn't deserve to miss her. He had let them take her. Let them make her scream and cry. That fact would haunt Carlisle forever. He would never see her again. He would never kiss her, never run his fingers through her soft hair. He would never see her ever again.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
And yet, Carlisle knew Esme could never hate him. She loved too much. She would never be able to hate him for all the things he had done to her. More like, all the things he didn't do for her. Carlisle would never be able to feel o.k. with the decisions that he had made. He should never feel o.k. with those decisions. But he would always feel dead inside because he knew Esme would still love him. That she would love him for all the wrong reasons.
I'm sober now for 3 whole months it's one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won't touch again
In my sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
Carlisle had had a horrible drinking problem since....his human days. He had always drank to much and had never known when enough was enough. Transforming into a vampire had only made things worse. He was ashamed of what he was and he had always thought booze was a great way to get rid of your feelings for a couple of hours until you passed out and woke up in a drunken haze and had no idea what or who you were for a couple of great seconds.
When he met Esme, he already had Edward for a son. Edward had just added more fuel to the fire. He would rebel and had ran away several times from Carlisle. But Esme was perfect. She always held onto Carlisle whenever he got so drunk his emotions boiled over and he had started crying. She would bring him pain medication when he woke up with hang overs. But that had all changed after one unforgettable night. The night Esme realized that Carlisle was a dangerous person, a different person, when he was drunk.
Carlisle had started a dumb fight with her late one night. Esme had tried to talk him down, like she always did. But this night was different. Carlisle slapped Esme hard across the face. Esme had flew five feet and hit the kitchen counter. After the pain had subsided Esme had glared at him. She had then walked over to him, looked him straight in the eyes, and punched him so hard he flew through a window. She had followed him outside and kicked him in the ribs before pulling him to his feet, just to punch him again and send him flying into a tree.
Carlisle had never drank after that. Not just because the pain had been unbearable, but because of the pain he had caused Esme. The day after that Carlisle had looked at her back and saw dark black and blue bruises covering her back. They matched the painful bruise on Esme's right cheek. But even after all of that, Esme had still sat next to him through his recovery, and it had been a long one. Six broken ribs, a broken shoulder, and multiple fractures in his left leg.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I'll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Carlisle had wanted to Esme to kill him him many times. He had begged her to just kill him and put him out of the misery that was his life. But Esme had always yelled at him and said that he had to love himself for what he was. She wouldn't stop bothering him until he admitted that he actually, deep down, like his life. That he liked being a vampire. And after meeting Esme, he did love his life. He loved life because he knew he would be able to spend it with her. Or so he thought.
Carlisle wanted to block Esme out of his mind. To continue with his life without her. But most of all, he wanted Esme to never think of him again. He wanted her to forget how messed up their life together had been. He wanted her to do whatever it took to forget her existed. But Carlisle knew that since he couldn't forget her, she probably wouldn't be able to forget him.
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your black eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
Carlisle looked over at the small, unused, liquor cabinet in the corner of his office. He knew he still had an old bottle of Scotch in there. Carlisle slowly stood up and opened the cabinet. He pulled out the bottle and wiped the dust off of it. He walked slowly back to his desk and sat down. He unscrewed the top and smiled when he smelled the familiar and comforting aroma.
The smell took him back to the day that Esme had been taken. He had done the exact same thing. Taken out the bottle, smelled the aroma that always wrapped him in a blanket of warmth and happiness. But there was something different about the day. He had put the bottle back. Today, he wasn't sure if he still had the strength to put the bottle of pain and torture back.
He took another deep breath and started sobbing. It brought back the memories again. The memories of Esme being taken from him. Her dark eyes were begging him. She had been crying tears that he knew were sincere. Carlisle had reached out to her and caught one tear as it fell from her face. A tear. That was all he had of her. Well, all he had had of her. Tears didn't last. Just like their love hadn't lasted.
And then I fell down yelling "Make it go away!"
Just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered "How can you do this to me?"
Carlise slid out of his chair. The bottle of liquor spilled all over his desk and rolled onto the floor where it broke. Carlisle curled into a pathetic ball on the hard floor. He just kept whispering "Make it go away." over and over again to the air. He finally sat up and punch a large hole in the side of his desk. "Make it go away!" he yelled.
Carlisle sat there on the floor. He kept thinking of all the times Esme had smiled at him. The way her smile had made everything better. Carlisle looked up and he could have sworn he saw Esme standing five feet away from him. She was dressed in traditional Volturi dress clothes. Black dress pants and a long sleeved button down shirt. Her hair was flowing freely and her eyes were dark as night. She smiled at him before whispering one simple sentence. "How can you do this to me?"
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you
For you
For you
For you
The vision evaporated just as Carlisle reached it. He fell to his hands and knees and cried heavily. He had lost her again. He looked at the door and whispered "Aidez-moi à oublier. Faites-moi oublier. Mieux encore, tuez-moi juste."
A/N: The last sentence is French it means "Help me forget. Make me forget. Better yet, just kill me."
I don't know why but Carlisle just strikes me as the kind of guys that knows French. Please R&R.