Chef Hatchet groaned as the bus he was driving hit yet another pothole. He couldn't believe Chris had made him drive the Total Drama contestants all the way from the airport he picked them up at to the "top-secret" movie lot. Usually it was the interns' jobs to round up the contestants, but Chris kept insisting they needed the interns for the "special first challenge." Yeah, sure. "He's probably just getting back at me for some petty reason I don't even remember," he thought to himself. "Typical Chris."
Meanwhile, the contestants in the bus were having a significantly better time than the disgruntled cook. "So, who do you guys think is gonna win the million this time?" Owen shouted happily, having finally stopped singing The Wheels on the Bus.
Noah started to say something snarky, but decided the new route of conversation was a better way to pass the time than a sixth round of "Singing with Owen." Having already thought this through once before, he instead said, "Well, statistically, it's not too likely that one of the previous winners will win again. For that matter, it's not too likely one of the runner-ups will win either. Last All-Stars season, that didn't really change much at all, seeing as how they were all All-Stars and all, but they seem to be bringing back a lot of more underappreciated contestants this season."
"That brings up another concern," Zoey noted. "Have you guys noticed that there are only 17 contestants on this bus? That means one of the teams is going to be uneven, and well…"
"Actually, you might be safer on the team with fewer contestants, especially if Scott's on the bigger team," Courtney snidely remarked. Everybody ignored her, just as they had on the ride up. She looked around for any sign the other contestants had heard her at all, but everybody ignored her glance.
"Hey, this road looks familiar!" Cody suddenly realized, breaking the almost minute-long silence. "I think we're going to the old Action set!"
The contestants pulled up to the film lot, where they saw a huge girl with green hair towering over their bus.
"Dakota!" Cameron shouted happily, half out of actual enjoyment to see her again and half out of his surprise that she seemed to be slightly less mutated now.
"CAMERON!" Dakota replied, picking him up as soon as he dismounted the bus.
"Did you follow my advice and seek out a specialist?" Cameron asked, having been in touch with her over the Internet since the end of the fourth season.
Dakota nodded. "DOCTORS SAY I GET BETTER WITH TREATMENT!" she roared.
"I see that! Can –"
"Yeah, yeah, touching reunion and all, now look at me!" an unmistakably sadistic voice called out from a megaphone. Instantly, both the Bubble Boy and mutated daddy's girl looked over at Chris and rolled their eyes. Chris stepped out from one of the various film lots, with a smug look plastered over his face. "Everyone who's not these two, dismount the bus! You should be thankful I managed to catch your departure on tape, almost ruined the shot… Are the cameras still rolling? Does the red light mean this thing is on or off?"
Noah rolled his eyes as he got off the bus. "What's the problem, Chris? Where did your interns go? Did they catch wind of the 13th amendment over in the U.S. and escape there?"
"Ah, Noah. Never stopping with the wisecracks and the sarcastic comments and such." Chris made a "tsk"-ing sound in mock disappointment. "Go over and stand over by those two stages or whatever."
Dawn exited the bus next, followed closely by B. Cody tripped down the stairs and started laughing nervously as he pushed himself back up. "Do me a solid and cut that footage, okay, Chris?" he said.
"I'd lie, but what's the point? I'm keeping it in," Chris retorted, laughing a bit. Cody sighed and kept walking over to where the others were.
Bridgette was next off the bus, followed by Mike and Zoey, who were trying to stay as close as possible, more out of distrust of Chris than anything.
Owen followed the two by jumping out of the bus. "Woo-hoo!" he shouted. "Back for another season!"
"Yes, I can see you're excited, Owen," Chris said, rolling his eyes. "Over there."
Izzy was the next to depart the bus, looking around in suspicion before crawling over to the others. Scott followed, strutting up to Chris and trying to high-five him. Chris ignored him and left him hanging. Scott kept trying for a few seconds before giving up and walking over to the others.
Gwen followed out of the bus, prompting a reply from Chris. "Hey, Gwen! How fitting that you're the thirteenth contestant to be shown, considering, y'know, you're a gloomy goth and-"
"Shut it, Chris," Gwen zipped back, not even breaking a sweat as she walked over toward the welcoming committee. Chris shrugged, almost knocking over the camera as he did. "Stupid cameras… how do the interns hold these… you can't even show feeling without them tipping over… how do those interns do it… they must be like… emotionless zombies or something."
"Chris, please stop muttering to yourself and show the audience my true beauty," Alejandro said, stepping up and making a seductive pose at the camera.
"Nobody is impressed, Al," Chris grunted, upset with the Arch-Villain's "muttering to yourself" complaints. "Go over there."
Alejandro made a huffing noise and strutted over to the line. He was followed by Sierra, who ran as fast as she could to see Cody, having been asleep most of the bus ride due to that funny-tasting drink Chef had given her, and Heather followed suit, looking royally ticked off she had to return for yet another season she was bound to lose. Courtney was the next off the bus, and she gave a glaring look to Heather, who had convinced everyone to keep Courtney trapped in her row for as long as possible.
"Well, I think that's everyone," Chris said, confidently picking up the camera and walking over to the others.
"Actually, Chris," Chef yelled to be heard, grinning a little, "there's one more contestant." He walked to the very back of the bus, where loud obscenities could be heard from what was clearly the voice of everyone's favorite criminal.
Duncan stormed down the steps on the bus, looking furiously at all the other contestants. "When I went to sleep last night, I was in my nice, comfortable bed at the prison. Now, I'm back with these losers again?"
"Relax, Duncan," our host said calmingly, walking over with a contract. "I got the funds needed to pay your bail, but as a trade-off, you've got to come back for one more All-Stars season."
"Show me!" Duncan shouted, ripping the contract from Chris' hands. After reviewing it carefully, he angrily gave the all-powerful piece of paper back to Chris and stomped over to the rest of the contestants. Chris, naturally, followed to round up the contestants.
"Well, now that we're all here," Chris began, shooting a glance Duncan's way, "I guess it's time to arrange the teams! When I call your name, please come up and stand here on the left stage! And our first member is... Cody!"
Cody walked up to the platform, pretending to shoot towards the camera in that way everybody thinks looks cool and makes you a ladykiller but really just looks dumb. However, Cody only compounded his already low reputation among most of the other campers by tripping over the steps on the podium, busting his nose in the process.
After Chris begrudgingly helped the nerd back up, he turned back towards the camera, cleared his throat, and announced the second contestant: Dakota. The massive mutant monstrosity marched over to the platform and stood beside it, trying not to be too conspicuous, despite the fact that, y'know, she's like, twenty feet tall.
"Noah, you're up third!" The snark knight promptly took his place on the stage, only to trip over his own feet, landing on top of Cody and sending them both sprawling to the floor, Noah on top of Cody. This, ironically, caused Izzy to have a bit of a nosebleed; a much different kind, of course. She was into that kind of stuff.
"Izzy, you have some weird interests," Chris noted, as the psycho red-head simply cackled.
"Bridgette, come take your place!" The surfer chick proudly walked up to the platform, almost lost her balance, but was caught by Chris, who really didn't want any more blood on his brand-new stage.
"Izzy, number five!" Izzy, still trying to wipe the blood from her nasal area, cartwheeled up to the stage.
"Give it up for B!" The genius inventor calmly took his place on stage. "Got any words for the audience?" B frowned at Chris and rolled his eyes.
"Well, in that case, Zoey, it's your time!" Zoey happily walked up on stage, though she shot a quick, nervous glance at the two nerds extraordinaire, who at this point had given up on untangling themselves and just kept lying on the floor.
"Dawn, this could be your lucky break! Get it? Lucky break of Dawn? Ha-ha!" Nobody laughed at the awful pun. "Oh, you campers have no sense of humor!" Dawn tried to fit herself on the stage, but decided to just stay at the bottom after Cody finally got Noah off of him, only for Noah to hit the back of Bridgette's legs, causing her to fall as well.
"I think I'm better off down here," Dawn told Chris.
"Whatever floats your boat," Chris replied, returning to see the final spot on his list. "And the final member of the first team! He's mean, he's lean, he's been cheated out of the million before, and he's one of the original 22!"
Duncan grinned as he began to step up towards the platform, only for Chris to instead announce, "Ezekiel! Take your place, boy!"
Instantly, a shadow leaped out of the bus, which most of the contestants had presumed empty, and landed on the platform's edge, where he started howling at the moon.
Duncan looked stunned for a second, but he quickly backed off and tried his best to keep looking confident.
"Chris, may I ask, where was Ezekiel that whole time?" Chef asked nervously.
"Oh, he was already on the bus when you started driving it," Chris explained. "He followed us when we went back to the island to pick up those two annoying interns we accidentally left behind last year. I saw him and thought, 'Hey, why not? He could make a cool contestant!'"
Chef, still in shock over the fact that this feral monstrosity had been present the whole drive, wordlessly walked away.
"Um, Chris?" Cameron interrupted. "I don't mean to interrupt, but… You do know that now the second team will have more contestants than the first, right?"
"Nope! Wrong!" Chris cheerfully announced. "The second team will have the same number of members as the first! Speaking of which, we can't keep calling you "The first team" forever. Let's get down to naming you!"
"How about the Nosebleeders? Noah snidely suggested, having finally managed to regain a standing position. "Or – I know – the Fall Down Boys! We make a pop culture reference and we're telling the truth!"
"Or the Broken Bones?" Cody called out, still lying on the floor in pain.
"Sorry, but I've already come up with your team name: the Notags!" His announcement was met by a large amount of applause, if you count Scott's idle whistling and Zeke's happy dog sounds as "applause."
"Uh… no offense, Chris, but I don't understand what that is, exactly," Owen noted. All the other contestants nodded in agreement, just as confused as he.
"It's a pun, guys!" Chris called out. "C'mon, don't you get it? It's… oh, never mind!"
"Should've introduced the protags first, Chris," Dawn replied, having stooped over to pet Zeke.
"How can you pet that... thing?" Noah asked, pointing at the slobber Zeke was emitting.
"I think he's kind of cute," Dawn replied, scratching Zeke in between the ears. Zeke licked her in happiness. B shrugged in bemusement.
"Zawn, Nody, this season is going to be full of fun new ships!" Izzy cackled loudly as Bridgette shook her head.
"You act as though Nody is a new ship," the Internet-savvy Cody said, brushing himself off from the dust as he finally got up.
"Hey now, I'm not an expert, but I'm pretty sure Dawn and Ezekiel aren't going out," Bridgette noted.
Dakota nodded in agreement. "MONSTER BOY NOT PSYCHIC GIRL'S TYPE."
Chris cleared his throat very loudly multiple times in an attempt to get everyone to stop talking. When that didn't work, he pulled out his megaphone and shouted, "Everybody shut your traps!" When everybody continued to ignore him, he added, "The next person to interrupt me will be eating Chef's food today instead of the almost decent meal I ordered for you!" Everyone immediately fell quiet.
"Now, if everybody is done talking over top of me, we can get to announcing the members of the next team! Heather, you're the first up!"
The manipulative, villainous, and somehow still wildly popular girl smirked and stepped up on stage. "Chris," she began, "if you don't mind, my tastes aren't exactly-"
"No time for snide remarks right now, Heather!" Chris interrupted. "I've gotta get this show on the road before 6:00 AM!"
"It's SIX? In the MORNING?!" Duncan shouted angrily.
"Blah blah, introductions introductions, Mike, you'll be the second member of team protags!" Formerly known as multiple-personality Mike, the shy but nice guy carefully walked up onto stage, casting a worried glance at Zoey on the other team.
"And number three, Cameron!" The kid genius nervously took his place.
"Fourth is Gwen!" The not-so-perky Goth sleepily walked up on stage. Chris leaned over to her.
"You know, in Japanese culture, four is considered bad luck!" he commented gleefully. Gwen ignored him and sat down on the side of the platform, resting her head in her hands as she tried to get sleep.
"The fifth contestant is going to be… Scott!" The poor farmboy pumped his fists and walked up on stage to join his fellow teammates.
"Everyone's favorite sexy contestant is now a six-y contestant! Alejandro, you're next!"
Alejandro groaned at Chris' god-awful pun as he marched onto the platform, hoping that the puns were just a mood Chris was in for the opening and not a season-spanning thing.
"And it looks like Sierra will be our seventh contestant!" Chris announced, watching as the fangirl slowly stumbled on stage.
"But… But Chris, I have to be on the same team as my Codykins! It has to happen, it HAS to!"
"Sierra, calm yourself," Alejandro said, stepping closer and making a large smile on his face. "You are in good hands now."
"Are you trying to hit on me?" Sierra asked, angrily pushing Alejandro to the floor. "Cody's the only one for me!"
"Good thing you're on this team, right, Cody?" Noah whispered, elbowing Cody in the ribs. Cody nodded, breathing a sigh of relief, though on the inside he did feel a little bad for the ascended fangirl.
"Number eight will be our master of optimism, Owen!" The most overweight and yet most fun-loving of the contestants ran up on the platform.
The stage was very crowded at this point, and it didn't look like anybody else could fit on it. Disregarding this minor detail, Chris called the final contestant up to the stage. "Now for the final member! Courtney, it's your time to shine!"
The attorney-to-be smirked and tried to get up on the stage, only to be blocked off by everybody else, who had already taken all the space on the stage.
"Sorry, Courtney, but I guess you'll have to stay down there!" Mike called out apologetically. Courtney, who had taken it as sarcasm instead of sincerity, growled as she leaned onto the sides of the stage.
"Say hello to team protags!" Chris called out. Half the contestants, finally understanding the "protags/notags" pun, nodded. The other half just grunted.
"Dawn was right, I should've said team protags first…" Chris muttered to himself.
"Uh, Chris? This is all fine and dandy and all, but, well, I didn't get kidnapped at five in the morning for nothing. Which team am I on?" Duncan protested.
"Duncan, Duncan, Duncan! I thought you said you didn't want to be in this season!" Chris retorted.
"Chris," Duncan said, taking a very large step towards the host, "I do not want to get up here, see everybody else get a team, and then get shipped back to the prison. Put. Me. On a. Team."
"If you insist," Chris said giddily, and Duncan looked satisfied for a while. "Duncan, do you remember what I told you last season?"
"What are you talking about, Chris?" Duncan retorted.
"I gave you a very important hint about the next All-Stars season. And as you know, I'm never a person to go back on my word 35% of the time."
Duncan's face slowly fell as the realization dawned on him. "N-no, you can't be…"
"This season, we'll be bringing back a much-loved mechanic of season three: having three teams! And our third team, as some of you may remember from the hint I gave in All-Stars, my favorite team of any season yet; Team Even Bigger Sweethearts!"
Duncan walked over to the middle of the two stages, a dumbfounded look crossing his face.
"Now that all of the teams are present," Chris began, walking over in front of the three teams, "I'll explain the rules to you! As you all should have noticed – but probably didn't, given how stupid you teens are, ha-ha – we're back on the set previously used in Total Drama Action. In the original Total Drama Action, we used the challenges to lampoon popular movies and movie genres! This time, however, we'll be doing something a bit different; making fun of all the cruddy daytime television this world has to offer! Who watches this stuff anyway? Like, seriously, if you're watching this right now, go take a walk or something, you loser."
"Great way to drop ratings, Chris," Noah deadpanned.
"Keep quiet, you!" Chris shouted back. "Now, all of the contestants will be dismissed to their cabins, where they will unpack and get themselves settled, then they will have a chance to use the confessional to tell us all about their thoughts concerning this season! Contestants, you are now officially dismissed!"
"Wow, what an improvement over our previous accommodations. Chris must've really splurged this year," Noah deadpanned as it became clear that the trailers they were using this season were likely the same trailers from Action, having been left uncleansed and fallen into a state of disrepair.
"I wonder if my lucky gum is still here?" Izzy shouted, running into the trailer for the Notags and coming back out with a triumphant look on her face. "Ralph was still stuck right to the bed where I laid him!"
Noah and Cody looked at each other in disgust and shook their heads.
"Hey, where am I supposed to sleep? Is there a third trailer somewhere?" Duncan snarled, trying (and failing) to keep up his ominous image.
"You, my friend," Chris announced, walking up towards the cabins whilst lugging the camera, "are going to be sleeping on the ground! You should be used to being treated like that anyway, considering your criminal history."
"Chris," Duncan threatened, stepping up to the host, "there are no interns around to help you, Chef's gone to go put roadkill-on-a-stick on the grill, and, well, let's just say I don't think Dakota's going to stop me from breaking every bone in your wimpy body."
"Dude, it was a joke!" Chris said. "I'd put my hands up defensively, but you're too big of a sweetheart to hit me, now, aren't you?" Duncan growled through his teeth, but backed off a bit. "You'll be sleeping with the Notags, since they have less of a chance of winning anyway."
"I'd take offense, but it's the truth," Dawn noted.
"All right, get yourselves all settled in and then march yourself on over to the confessionals, where you'll be able to tell the audience what you feel about the new season," Chris ordered, and everybody turned slowly towards their cabins. "Also, just a warning: I've heard rumors that there could be a tragedy in a nearby town. The government is covering it up, but we'll need to be careful to ensure we don't get like, I don't know, infected by zombies or something. Ah, I've ranted too long! Go, now! To your cabins!"
Everybody completely ignored Chris' oddly specific warning, assuming he was setting up a challenge or trying to scare them or something. The campers stood still and looked at each other for a while, silently thinking, "Who'll be the idiot that walks into the cabin first and gets surprised?" After all, they could always expect Chris to have some sort of stupid surprise stashed somewhere sideways up his sleeve.
"I'll bunk with anybody!" Owen shouted, breaking the tension by running into the Protags cabin and throwing his stuff on the top of the first bunk he saw. Everybody looked at each other, then shrugged and decided to go on to their designated cabin.
In the Protags cabin, Mike and Cameron instantly got a bunk together, but everybody else seemed to have a hard time finding bunkmates. Ultimately, Sierra and Heather were forced into the same bunk, and Courtney and a still-gloomy Gwen got a bunk together.
"Glad to be back for another season, everybody?" Courtney asked, but nobody responded. Courtney simply huffed and rolled over.
Meanwhile, Scott and Alejandro were still fighting over who had to bunk with Owen.
"Scott, it is within both our best interests for you to bunk with Owen," Alejandro noted. "I have found myself talking in my sleep an abnormal amount of times, and I snore. You will get better sleep with El Gordo."
"Well, first of all, his name is Owen, not El Guacamole or whatever you just said," Scott replied, prompting an eye roll from Alejandro, "and secondly, I still don't see why we can't just leave Owen alone and share a bunk."
"Ah, but-" Alejandro began, but Scott cut him off.
"Look, you can either bunk with me or Owen, but you're not calling the shots around here this season," Scott responded, hoping up into the bed. "You've played the game twice now, you can't fool us. We know all your tricks."
Alejandro started to say something, but then he sighed and climbed up into the top bunk above Scott.
Meanwhile, the Notags cabin had a far easier time organizing their sleeping arrangements. Dakota was much too tall to fit inside the cabin, and Ezekiel required a bunk to himself for "reasons," leaving four bunks for the other eight contestants. Zoey and Dawn, while not exactly huge friends, knew each other from their debut season and came to a quick agreement, and Bridgette and Izzy reached a similar compromise. Meanwhile, B and Duncan, who were able to tolerate each other a bit more than you'd expect, wordlessly agreed to be bunkmates for the season, leaving Noah and Cody the final bunk, much to their dismay (and every fangirls' joy)
"See? I told you those two were meant to be together!" Izzy cackled in her usual way, prompting a gulp from Cody and an audible facepalm from Noah.
"All right, contestants!" Chris' voice boomed from a megaphone outside.
"Somebody needs to revoke his megaphone privileges," Heather groaned, rubbing her pained ears.
"Now that we're all settled in, it's confessional time! And we'll be going in alphabetical order, to ensure diplomacy! In other words, Al! You're up first!"
"Don't. Call. Me. Al," Alejandro retorted as he stormed out of the cabin.
Alejandro: "After being cheated out of the million in World Tour and All-Stars, I figure a little karma is due to me. But despite my best efforts, I was unable to convince Scott to bunk with Owen. Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Oh, but Alejandro! Why did your sexiness wish for Scott to be tortured like that?' Well, I know this sounds crazy, but Scott is a real threat, whether anybody knows it or not. There must be a reason he was able to take 4th his first season and 3rd last season despite appearing a buffoon on the outside, and the only conclusion is that he's really a genius. He just wants everybody to think he is a loser, and when the merge comes, BAM! He'll reveal his true genius and take the million! And now, only I know the truth! I must outwit him and come out on top in this battle of wits!"
B: (shrugs in a way as to say, "You expected me to say something?")
Bridgette: "Well, uh, hey. I'm personally pretty pumped to be back for another season, though I am just a bit salty Chris put me on the Notags team. I mean, I was in all three original seasons, and I co-hosted the Aftermath segments! That's gotta count for something, right?"
"Oh well, I guess I'm just glad I have one more chance at a cool million. Imagine how many animals could be rescued if that money went to charity? A lot! Of course, I would have to keep some for myself, just in case, you know…"
Cameron: You know, it really is amazing. The first time I was on Total Drama, I was a wimpy bubble boy who didn't know much at all about the outside world. Now, well, I'm still pretty wimpy, but I've also gotten a whole lot of new experiences, and I'm now a contestant on the world's third biggest reality show dealing with teenagers being voted off on a stranded island! Which is an oddly specific distinction, now that I think about it…"
"Anyway, I don't actually expect to win this season, since the previous winners tend to be top candidates for votes near the end, but I may as well put in an effort, right? I definitely don't want to be the first out, that's for sure!"
Cody: "Hey, there! It's me, the famed Casanova Cody! I'm all ready and roaring to come back for another season – and after all, I think I deserve to at least get pretty far (and maybe get a girlfriend finally). I mean, I could definitely win the million in a popularity contest, because, let's face it, some of these guys made real idiots out of themselves on TV. (Cody slips and falls out of his chair and faceplants onto the ground) Um… Chris? I can have a second chance, right? You'll cut this footage, right? RIGHT?!"
Courtney: "Pfht! The nerve of some of these people is astounding! Look, I'm sorry for what happened last season, okay? But! All I did was draw a diagram! Heather kissed Trent behind Gwen's back, and let's not even begin to talk about what Duncan did. I mean, I don't see anybody giving those two any dirty looks, or at least not like they're giving me!"
"I guess I should just be thankful I did get to come back for another season, but there's no way I'll ever get anywhere if nobody trusts me! I guess I'll just have to restore their confidence in me, now, won't I…"
Dakota: (Dakota is peering in the open confessional door, her head obstructing all other objects behind it)"HI. ME DAKOTA. I FILM THIS FROM OUTSIDE CONFESSIONAL BECAUSE I TOO BIG FOR CONFESSIONAL. I WANT MILLION SO I CAN FIX MUTATION AND BUY SAM NEW GAME. THAT ALL."
Dawn: "Hmm… I'm glad to be back for a second season, and in all honesty, I should be using my time here to get my revenge on Scott, but… for some reason, I absolutely feel like I need to comfort him, not make him worse off than he already is. There's just something about his aura right now that's bothering me, and I need to investigate what it is soon…"
"Anyway, I think I can do well this season now that I don't have any traitors on my team. I still don't know why I let Scott get away with his sabotage last season, but I could've sworn the votes were in my favor before voting! Someone must've changed their vote on the fly, and while I don't know who it actually was, I can assure you I will find out this season. I'm not really a vengeful person, but I do want to confront them about it, even if it means they aren't in this season and I have to actually find them. It's a hard task, but I feel like there was something bigger going on there…"
Duncan: "I cannot believe the guts Chris McLean has to just yank me out from prison and not even bother to wake me up! I mean, I guess being back here beats staying in there, but I really don't want to have to deal with Chris' ugly face for yet another season. I already won once, isn't that enough for me? Can't I just leave now?"
"Now, I'm actually pretty glad about rolling solo this season, because I won't get kicked to the curb just because I'm on the same team as Gwen and Courtney or something. And hey, you know what they say: If you want something done right, do it yourself, eh?"
Ezekiel: (Barks and howls at the screen, then looks around a bit and crawls back out of the confessional)
Gwen:"Look, let's make no pretenses this season. I'm here, I've played this game four times before, and I haven't won anything any of those times. So, I'm going to win this time. Simple as that, boom, headshot, checkmate, whatever, goodbye."
Heather: "These seasons just keep getting worse and worse. Have the Action grounds even been walked on since the last season we were here? I'd ask if Chris was trying to kill us, but considering he put us in a deathtrap plane and a radioactive island, I'm more than likely going to have to answer "yes." It doesn't matter, though. I'll just keep playing everyone like a flute, or bassoon, or saxophone, or whatever you band nerds play, and I think the million will be mine yet again. AND MAYBE THIS TIME, I CAN KEEP THE MILLION!"
Izzy:"Hi there! As you all know, I'm Izzy, formerly known as Explosivo, formerly known as… uh… a bunch of other names also! But we can completely disregard those names now, because Izzy is playing just for Izzy now, whoo-hoo! So, I'll just play this season like I always do, except I'll actually try to win challenges – it's so weird, but that apparently helps you not get voted off! – and I'll win! Izzy out, peace!"
Mike: "Hey, world, it's me, Mike! I'm so glad Chris really did decide to let me be a contestant again this season – after Brick declined so he could go into his second year of fashion school and Sam declines because he broke almost all of his bones falling down a mountain after being chased by Dakota's dog during a visit, poor guy – oops, didn't mean to rant there – but yeah, I'm so glad Chris let me come back after an indeterminate amount of people declined to! Maybe I can finally go a full season and still be in control of my body the whole time, right? That's not too much to ask for, right? Right?"
"I do feel sorry for Zoey, though. I mean, she's separated from all her friends and nobody over there really knows her! I really hope she isn't voted out quickly. I mean, I don't want to talk all day about her, but-"
"He did," Chris sighed dramatically, suddenly popping up over Mike's footage. "We had to cut seven minutes of him talking about this crap. SEVEN. MINUTES. Just be glad we care about our viewers enough to cut that stuff from the episode."
A very loud scream suddenly blared from a nearby screen, prompting Chris to reach over and pause the footage. "Whoops, consider that a 'sneak peak' for the next episode. Heh… hehe…"
Noah:"Sheesh, what did Mike say in here that took so long, his whole life story and the text of The Great Gatsby in its entirety? That was a reference to something – not that any of the numskulls here would know. Let's make this quick and simple – I'm here to win, I'm going to win, I think I've got the perfectly mixed team of good teammates and jobbers we can kick early when we lose, and I can easily rope Cody and maybe some others into an alliance. Really, this season is going to be simple. All right, that's all, goodbye, blah blah. See, Mike, it's not that hard to do a thirty second confessional!"
Owen:"Haha, whoo, it's so great to be back! I had to take a break from All-Stars and, well, that might've been a good thing, given the final episode… But anyway, man, I never really realized how much I missed this show! I don't think I need to focus on winning, though – I've already won a season anyway, and I think someone else deserves a shot at the million. But hey, you never know what can happen! Uh… I can't really think of anything else! Um, bye!"
Scott:"Hmph. Well, isn't this season just swell? Al is trying to convince me to sleep under Owen, Courtney keeps trying to make me pay attention to her (and maybe I will if she asks long enough…) and of course, the moonchild weirdo girl is back. I guess I should be glad she's not on my team, at least… but that also means I can't get her voted out early. Something about her just strikes me the wrong way…"
"Ah well, I feel pretty good about this season. If my trend continues, I'll at least get 2nd this year… but maybe I could string along someone who I could easily beat in the finale… or who would let me win… maybe, just maybe, allying with Courtney would work out in the end…"
Sierra: "Hmph! I can't believe the nerves of Chris! Not even putting me and Cody on the same team – why must you taunt me, Chris? Besides, Cody did a lot in World Tour! He only lost because somebody was a DIRTY CHEATER! And another thing, I-"
"Ugh, BOO-RING!" Everyone's least favorite host with the most interrupted yet another confessional. "All this, 'Chris sucks!' and, 'Chris isn't as cool as he thinks he is!' and, 'Chris pays us less than half of minimum wage!' really gets old after a while, don't you think? Besides," Chris said, giving his trademark evil laugh, "I'm sure you'll all be hearing quite a bit about how awful of a person I am this season anyway."
Zoey: "Oh, no… I tried not to let it show in front of the rest of my team, but I'm really afraid that I'll be competing against Mike and Cameron. I always leaned on them for support in the past two seasons, and now… Hopefully someone will be nice enough to let me vent my problems to them, because UGH! I know people will eventually see this, but it's still just a one-way conversation! I'm not getting any feedback! I just really hope my team won't see me as a weak link and vote me out soon, because I really want to go far again…"
"All right, campers!" Chris' voice boomed over the megaphone yet again. "Because you took like an hour to record your confessionals – Mike probably contributed at least half of that, by the way-"
Mike laughed sheepishly and nervously scratched his neck.
"Anyway, we're not going to have as much time for preparations as I wanted, so just talk or whatever until Chef gets breakfast ready. If you can even call it breakfast… hahaha… Oh yeah, and whatever you do, don't leave your cabins. If you do, there will be consequences."
Noah nodded, completely ignoring Chris' remark about the breakfast, and instead said, "All right, I know this might sound just a little bit crazy to some of you, but we need to go ahead and talk about it now, because knowing Chris, he's gonna increase drama by not letting us converse before the elimination ceremonies. So, we need to see who we'll vote out first."
Upon hearing the last sentence, Ezekiel gave a small whimper.
Cody grimaced for a second. "It won't be me, though, right?"
"As long as you don't royally screw up," Bridgette replied nonchalantly, scrubbing at her surfboard.
"Well said," Noah noted, smiling just a bit. "Now, I know this sounds a bit rude, but I think Dakota might be up on the chopping block. She's not able to compete in a lot of indoor challenges and stuff, and I think she might be a bit of a weak link."
Noah: "As hard as it is, I've appointed myself the leader of the team, and that means I can't be overly 'rude' to anyone. Well, not to their faces, anyway. I also am going to have to respect their opinion or there might just be a mutiny on my hands…"
"Actually, Dakota could be a real asset to our team," Dawn noted, looking up from her bed. "She has muscle that most of our members are unfortunately lacking, and while she may be useless in most indoor challenges, you just know Chris is going to try to give us as many sunburns to as many people as possible, and that means lots and lots of outdoor challenges."
Noah nodded briefly. "All right, good thinking, but that puts us back at square one."
"Just skip the formalities, do what we always do, and vote off the one that made you fail the challenge," Duncan interrupted, lying back in bed with a bored look on his face.
"Ah, but that's why this team was made, Duncan! See, you think you know how the game works because you've gotten so far so many times. But this team is made up of the people who never got the chances you did – we were booted off the team for making one mistake, one important misstep. And that's why this team exists. We're the team of second chances, not of harsh judgment. Right, team?"
Noah's speech was met with a short silence, then a glowing round of applause.
Noah: "You know, I could get used to this whole 'leader' thing. I can almost see why so many people want to be the boss now…"
Duncan: "I never did like that snarky know it all, but now it looks like he's actually playing the game to win… if he turns his team against me, who knows what could happen to me? As much as I hate it, I might just have to get him on my side…"
"Oh, Codykinz… you don't think they'd catch me if I snuck over to Cody's cabin, do you?" Sierra mumbled, mostly to herself.
"Uh, Sierra, you do know that this place is armed to the teeth with cameras, right?" Cameron responded.
"Bah, what "consequences" could there be anyway? Forcing me to eat Chef's food every day? Oh wait!" Sierra giggled.
"Consequences as in 'kick you off the show and not let you see Cody again this summer' consequences, maybe?" Gwen deadpanned.
Sierra lay quiet in her bed for a while afterwards.
"So, who are you guys going to vote out first and why is it Heather?" Mike finally asked, breaking the small moment of awkward silence.
"You know, it's possible that I've changed. Maybe I've seen the error of my ways and turned over a new leaf," Heather responded. Alejandro let out a very loud laugh, much to the queen bee's annoyance.
"Well, personally, I think Courtney should be on the top of our hit list," Scott began. "She's proved time and time again that we just cannot trust her, after all."
"Hmm… personally, I think you fair people aren't giving Courtney enough credit," Alejandro responded. "She was just under stress and wanted to win, that's all. Give her some slack. Besides… don't you think it's a little bit odd that Scott wanted her voted out immediately after we brought the topic up? Perhaps he has a reason, hmm? So how about it, Scott? Do you have any secrets you'd like to share with the rest of us?"
Scott immediately curled up into a protective ball position. "No, I- I have absolutely no secrets whatsoever! No personal bias or hidden agenda here, no sir!"
After a short silence, Owen spoke up. "Seems legit!" he happily said.
Scott: "Hmph. Who could have told Alejandro that I had a secret? It must've been Dawn… she must've been looking for ways to get revenge on me… and by reading my mind, she found out my secret… um, not that I have some big huge secret or anything! Honestly! It's just, maybe she, uh, saw something stupid and thought it was some big secret or something, because I certainly don't have any secrets to hide from anybody, no sir! None at all! No – you know what, I'll shut up now."
"Hey, do you guys know what would be really awesome?" Owen asked to the rest of the cabin.
"If you'd shut up for just one second?" Heather growled, throwing her pillow over her head to block the sound.
"If we won every challenge and didn't have to vote anybody on our team off!" Owen exclaimed, completely ignoring Heather's comment.
Immediately Mike's mind flashed to Zoey. "Uh… no! That… that wouldn't be awesome, since… well, the other team, the contestants on there haven't had time to shine and…"
"Oh, what are you, worried about your girlfriend?" Alejandro snarked. Heather fell out of her bed immediately afterward, and Alejandro screamed, "No, mi amor! Are you all right?"
Alejandro: "Nothing like a little pinch of hypocritical humor to make things more interesting, right?"
Mike: "Playing this game as myself for once is gonna be way harder than I thought it would… I can't bring myself to risk Zoey getting sent home, but I also can't bring myself to vote off one of my teammates… other than Heather… and Alejandro… and Scott… maybe this is easier than I thought…"
Suddenly, Chris' voice boomed out yet again. "All right, campers! We've finally managed to get your breakfast up and ready, so just come on down to the concessions hall and be grateful we got you some nice fresh pizza instead of whatever the heck Chef cooks for the beginning of the season! Just make sure to take the path directly to the concessions hall! No detours! Not even to use the potty! Got it? Good!"
The campers more or less begrudgingly pulled themselves out of bed, none particularly excited for the pizza Chef would be offering (except, of course, for Owen, who just couldn't wait to eat). There was a bit of doubt in the other campers' heads however, not just because they would soon be back to eating food that likely couldn't pass a food inspection, but also because the camp looked quite eerie today. The land was barren and looked devoid of the usual interns running willy-nilly about, and something about the surroundings sent a creep up many a camper's spine.
Noah, however, was not feeling the fear many of the other contestants had begun to feel. Slinking back towards Cody, he signaled his teammate to stop until the other few campers had passed them.
"What are you trying to do, egg on the fans?" Cody whispered in Noah's ear, slightly annoyed as he had been made fun of quite a lot in his hometown because of the shipping.
"Listen, I've been thinking, and I believe an alliance between us is a logical step. We're probably two of the only contestants here with triple-digit IQs – in fact, there might be some contestants that don't have double digit IQs - and we might be targets for the rest of our team. I think we need to work together and make an alliance, at least until the merge, so we don't end up getting screwed over yet again. Sound good?" Noah explained, walking at a slower pace than the others to make sure they didn't hear the plan.
Cody thought for a moment, and then shifted his eyebrow. "You know, I wouldn't question being in an alliance with you at all, but I was in both Island and World Tour. I know you're more of a lazy guy than you're pretending to be right now, and I feel like if I join this agreement, I might just end up a foot soldier doing your dirty deeds."
Noah grumbled. "I'll admit my shortcomings. I was lazy and unmotivated in the past seasons. But I've matured since then, and I've realized I need to be active if I don't want to be seen as a bum riding off other people's success. So, I'll make a promise to you: for every good deed you do me, I'll do you one. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours." Cody started to say something, but then Noah held up his hand. "And – to make sure I don't go back on my word, I even wrote up an agreement. Like a contract. I've already signed it, and if you agree, we'll officially be in an alliance – and if either of us breaks the agreement, well, the other one can show the rest of the campers. At the very least, none of the other campers will have the same amount of trust they used to have. So, is it a deal?"
Cody thought for a quick second – not much more time than that to think, as the campers were fast approaching the concessions hall – and, apparently having agreed to the guidelines, took the pen from Noah's outstretched hand and grabbed the crumpled paper as Noah pulled it out of his pocket, signing his name under Noah's, giving the know-it-all his pen back while keeping the paper for himself.
"Glad we reached an agreement," Noah noted, smiling confidently as the two stepped into the mess hall.
Once inside, they found the other campers seated and staring apprehensively at Chris, who was wearing his best slasher smile. "Sit down, and don't say a word. There is absolutely no need to talk right now." Cody and Noah glanced at each other wearily, but did as Chris said and sat down. Noticing Chef was absent from the room, they had a brief second of relief, as this only further hammered in the point that their first meal was going to be something more appetizing and nutritious than whatever Chef decided to run over with his car and bake in a malfunctioning oven.
Their brief enjoyment of the moment came to an abrupt end, however, when Chris began speaking and clasping his hands. "As you know, campers, Total Drama has always been a series striving for the best ratings on prime-time TV. But with all the other imitators and rip-offs that have popped up, Total Drama has been losing a fair lot of the viewers we once held a grip on. So! In an attempt to make the new season much more interesting for our lovely viewers, we've added a tiny bit of a twist to this season."
"Stop delaying it and get on with it already," Heather threatened.
Chris shrugged. "If you insist. In past seasons, our Total Drama contestants have been fighting for a large cash prize. But in this season, our chosen contestants will be fighting for their very life."
Right on cue, the large body of Chef Hatchet dropped from the ceiling, and the door suddenly bust down as a zombie looking creature slammed into the concessions hall. All of the contestants screamed as they ran to the back of the building, trying to run from the monstrosity that had emerged before them.
Chris yet again popped up in front of the screen and gave a cheerful wave. "Okay, so here's the lowdown," he began. "I may be willing to put our campers in some danger to bring up ratings, but I'm not really this evil. The campers have been fooled into thinking they will be fighting this zombie or whatever for their lives, but really, they're on the new season of Total Drama Reset, where we'll be lampooning all the various TV shows that have gained popularity in recent years. And of course, as you may have figured out, our first challenge will be a challenge based on the popular TV serial, The Rising Bread."
An intern's voice called out from the back. "Uhm, Chris, isn't the show's name The Wal-"
"No, we have to write around copyrights!" Chris interrupted. "Anyway, with one of our interns dressed up like a "walker," as the show calls it, and with us using Chef's actual dead body to scare the campers," he gave a brief, overly-dramatic and obviously fake look of shock towards the camera, "I'm joking, using a fake thingy that looks like Chef's dead body, we've scared the campers into running to save their hinnies. So if any of you have a family history of heart disease and were worried for your favorite contestant, don't worry; it's all in good fun. Although… our campers may not share the same opinion." He giggled maniacally.
"So! In the next episode of Total Drama, we'll be seeing our contestants work together or turn on each other (probably the latter option) in what they believe a life-or-death experience. Will they be able to survive this post-apocalyptic camp? Or will they stumble directly into the grasp of our fake walker (hehe, we got an actual intern named Walker to play him hehe)? Stay tuned to find out on our special two-part premiere of TOTAL… DRAMA… RESET!"
TO BE CONTiNUED...