When Green Eyes Met Green
Summary: Lily fears looking into the mirror, for all she see are his green eyes looking back at her, mocking her for failing him. One-Shot
Genre: Tragedy/Angst
Tags: Poetry, Wrong-Boy-Who-Lived, One-Shot.
Disclaimer: And as the hippogriff flies across the green twine, I must disclaim that Harry Potter is still not mine, still not mine, still not mine.
UPDATED: 02-09-2016
The sun was high in the sky, scattering around cheering rays of light and hope at everyone that happened to go under it. The same could be said for the student population of the magical school. June twenty-third, the day of the summer solstice happened to be widely awaited for, as it was the day of the final trial by fire for the champions of the TriWizard Competition.
Time was ticking by; the countdown had begun for the champions. The late arrivals were scrambling to grab good seats and the people were making a last stop to the concession stands that had been put up just for the day. Children were hushed by the elders whose eyes were fixed at the flimsy door of the tents. Witches and Wizards alike sat quietly, with banners gripped in white-knuckled hands.
However, inside the tents of the champions, the story was very different. Guardians and parents were hurrying about, trying to find and smuggle some last moment facts and tips to their wards. A haunting yet soothing lullaby echoed, piercing through the tension. Gabrielle was singing an old family tune to calm the frazzled nerves of her sister, which by the look on her face seemed to be working.
He closed his eyes and tried to absorb the music. It was warm and sweet. The tone wrapped around him and washed him over with their intoxicating waves of love. Behind his eyelids, he could feel an image forming. He could feel his mother's arms holding him, caressing him, whispering endearments to him. Was this how having someone care for you felt?
"Eet iz okay, Gabrielle," Fleur whispered to her sister, and to Harry's disappointment, she stopped singing.
As the song vanished, the previous stomach-churning hatred swelled up in his heart again. Why didn't she sing for him that way? Why didn't she make him feel loved? Was this not a mother's job to make her child feel cared for? Was it not her job to make him feel happy, belonging?
So why didn't she do that? Why didn't she love him? Why didn't she make him feel as if he belonged?
Why didn't she even bother to look at him? Why didn't she give her wondrous, dazzling smile to him? Why didn't she grace him with the charm she was famous for? Why, why, why, why, whywhywhywhywhywhY?
Hedwig hooted in his ear. With a sharp jerk, his treacherous mind dragged him back to the water of reality. He had a competition to go in. Funny how he kept forgetting about it...
Why can't I have you there to remind me about it? Why can't you be here, holding my hand and telling me that I will be safe?
He squashed it firmly, like the incessant bug it was, refusing to calm down and always coming back. He won't think about them anymore. He won't. Not now, not ever...
Mumma, why won't you look at me? Why won't you ever smile at me? Why won't you ever smile because of me?
"-PION OF HOGWARTS, HARRY POTTER!"
Please look at me, mum. See, what I am doing. Please, just look at me once. Please...
"-RRY POTTER?"
Just once? Please?
Hedwig bit him sharply and ruffled her feathers. Harry started towards her and then realised that she had been trying to remind him that he had been called out already.
He sighed and got up from his seat. He wasn't ready for this, he never would be. Not today, not tomorrow, not years later.
"Good bye, Hedwig." In retrospect, Harry considered this was a not good bye worthy for a trusted and dear friend
"Thank you for waiting with me." Forever. Thank you for being with me always.
Maybe, he should have said those last words aloud, because even if did not want to admit it to others, he knew very well that his chances of survival were very small.
He opened his mouth to say something else, but words eluded him, like they always did. He never had had a way with words.
"Harry?" Oh Merlin, he knew that voice. He knew it. He had, after all, spent his lifetime listening to it and trying to understand why it made him feel hollow.
He turned to his side and looked at their (he wasn't his. Not his, not his, nothis, nothisnothisnothis) father. She was standing right next to him, clutching his brother (he wasn't his brother. Not by feel, not by emotions, not by anything but by blood and genetics). It was his brother always, never him.
Their green eyes brushed. She had such wonderful eyes. They were shining with life. They always did. And he hated it. His eyes were green too, but hers were a grade above. They were emeralds, priceless and precious. And his were the killing curse, hated by all, yet too hard to remove its existence.
"Look after you brother out there." Bitterness rose up again, gnawing its way from the depths of his mind (not his heart. It was never from his heart) and washing his sight with the colour green again. It was cold, harsh, cynical, and envious.
A giggle rose through his throat and bubbled out. Oh Circe, his whole life was a convoluted mixture of greens, clashing with each other horribly. And in the end, it was always hers which won. He hated it. He hated it, yet couldn't do anything to fight against.
He opened his mouth to say something, anything. But his words got caught up when he saw the colour of green her eyes had taken. Too deep for him to fight his way out, yet too shallow for him to drown.
"I will."
And the small exchange of words was over. The flap of the tent opened, signalling the entrance of Ludo Bagman. He caught Harry's wrist and dragged him out. Normally, he would have resisted, but he didn't. He let his yank him out in the open. He stood there, quite.
He would never forget the way she looked at him; the emeralds shining brightly with hope. He would never forget that shade of green, like he never forgot the others.
When green eyes met green,
You saw the only link careen,
That held you both together;
That was your one and only tether
Blank eyes look back at you,
Void of any emotion you knew–
No fear, no hopes, no dreams,
Only some salty dried streams.
Once they were oceans of love,
Pools of devotion and stuff
Of dreams, of hopes, of you
Of things you had no clue.
You never knew, you never dreamt;
The world never thought, never felt.
When Lily was young, she and Petunia had been friends. Wherever one went, so went the other-they were by each other always. Two in a pair, others had said. A complimenting pair too, for Lily was the fiery one, Petunia was the calm one; Lily was the rule follower, Petunia was the one with disregard for them.
Then came Hogwarts. She had been too excited by the prospect that she was different from other, that she could use magic, to remember her sister. Severus Snape had opened a whole new world of possibilities in front of her, and she had been too blinded by its dazzle that she had been deprived of her sight to see the cracks that had seeped into the relationship which she shared with her sister.
She still remembered the day when she came back home from her first year. Petunia had looked at her with her green eyes. A shiver had ran its course down her spine after seeing the staggering amount and strength of emotion swirling in them.
Why have you come back? You don't belong here, just like I don't belong near you. Go away! Don't you see you are hurting me? Don't you see that you are killing me? I can't stay near you! Go away, away, away, awayawaywaywayway...
She had never thought that she would see that expression again, until Harry proved her wrong.
"What is taking them so long?" someone asked.
"I don't know."
Lily focussed her attention back at the maze. However the killing curse green had bled into her mind and refused to leave.
She ought to be thinking, hoping and praying for her son ... sons. But she couldn't. Her mind always managed to drift back to his eyes, leaving her unnerved.
"-ly, Lily?"
She turned her head around and looked at James who was shaking her arm.
"Yes, James?"
She looked at his face and at once regretted seeing it. It was so much like Harry's, yet so different than his. Was this the first time she ever thought long enough about her youngest son to notice this?
James' grip over her arm tightened, drawing pain and her presence back to the mortal plains. She snatched her arms away from him and rubbed at the reddening area.
"What is it?"
She got a nudge towards the stadium in the place of a verbal reply or a badly timed pun as she always expected from James. She turned her gaze about and saw the Minister and Albus debating hotly, standing next to ... the two foreign champions, lying incapacitated on floating stretchers.
What had happened? Had something gone wrong? Would he be okay? Would her son be ok-
And then it hit her like a wall of bricks. She reeled back as if slapped in the face by the harsh winds of realism.
And everything fell into pieces. Why Harry had given her that look, why he had looked at her with those chilling killing curse eyes (which she was sure happened to be bright emerald green once, brighter than hers) the way he had.
He had been forgotten for too long, battered around, neglected and ignored. And he blamed her.
And she too, after much thinking, couldn't help but blame herself.
How could she forget about Harry? Wasn't he her son too? He was hershershers. And she had failedfailedfailed.
She needed to see Harry again, she needed to. She needed to apologize, she needed to tell him how much she loved him, and she needed to make him feel that she hadn't forgotten him.
But first of all, she needed to grab him and look in his green eyes to make sure that his weren't also falling slowly to the bleeding green she had been afraid of since Petunia's parting from her.
"You think they would be okay?" she asked James, her question portraying her wish that he answered him in affirmative, no matter how grim the truth was.
"Yes, I am sure he will."
Though, for the first time in ages, Lily realised sardonically that they weren't worrying about the same person.
For a fleeting, an escaping second,
The eyes flicker; though you can only reckon;
To give way to your lost boy little,
Whose heart was so fragile, so brittle.
What happened, you question.
Your tears, long forgotten, refreshen.
But his eyes remain harsh and cold,
Telling stories of hatred untold.
Where is the boy you once knew,
The boy under your eyes who grew?
Was he lost in a world of his own,
Or in the dreary webs of loan?
"I love you," you whisper.
He blinks his eyes swifter
And breaks into a mirthless smile,
His eyes still dry and vile.
He never said a proper goodbye to Hedwig.
He giggled dizzily. He had never thought that a simple Cruciatus would leave him feverish; though it must have something to do with the poison running its course through his system.
He slumped against his shoulder, and his hand brushed past Harry's thigh every other second, causing the latter to clamp his mouth shut.
He was not going to cry, not going to cry, no matter what happened. After all, it wouldn't matter. She won't come. She never did.
His brot-fellow champion moaned and shuffled a bit, putting more pressure on his broken shoulder. The new shot of pain brought along with it a new sense of clarity.
She never did. So why did I?
He blinked away tears, which were clouding his despicable eyesight. But that did nothing to remove the green which was bleeding into his vision.
I am not going to cry, not going to cry, not going to cry, crycrY
"You never did, we both know.
So, why are you sinking so low?
It was always him before me, my life
To regain what is lost, why strive?
"Why do you look at me now, whywhywHY?
Why do you care as I die, diedie?
You won, didn't you, like always?
So, why care about me anyways?
I hope you are happy mum
'Cause, in the end, you did won."
The lines were fading away, taking along with any semblance of reality along with them. Her emerald green was now dominating his vision, swirling around and clashing with any other thought that entered his mind.
It was all about her. Like always, everything revolved around her.
Why must I think about her? Whywhywhy. She has done nothing for me. I hate her, I hate her, I hate her. Now, Tomorrow and forvever.
His poisoned blood circulated in his body, now seemingly full of boiling oil. He was not going to cry out, especially for her.
She had been e/m/o/t/i/o/n less when she had seen him facing a dragon, when she had heard that he had fought a basilisk, when he had laid on the bed dying.
Now he would show her what it was like to be emotionless.
He giggled again. The joke would be on her. She thought that she had won. Instead, it was him who would in the end.
Today it all would all end. He had won. He would escape his confines. And she? She would still remain enslaved by the shackles of emotions and humanity.
Though, on hindsight, he should have said the last words aloud for Hedwig. She deserved at least that much.
He stumbled forwards a few more steps, somehow forcing his mind to work past the pain (stop, stop, stop. Don't think about the pain) and the emerald green haze that appeared to have descended upon him and his thoughts.
The green tinted ground was inching forward. His delirious mind gave a small leap of joy. He had won! This all had come to an end. Just a few more seconds and he would be free.
For a second, the diminishing rational part of his mind thought about how odd it was that he wasn't afraid of dying.
He was already dead. He had died the day she had turned her eyes towards him, and dying all over again each and every day-
The nauseating green overpowered his other senses. Without any of his senses, his balance rocketed off, sending him forward into the harsh ground. His lax fingers spread across on the ground, letting his fellow champion to roll over his back and lie sprawled on the grass.
It hurthurthurt and he wanted to crycrycry But he won't. He was this close to winning and he just couldn't give up now. The pain came in synchronised waves thrumming along with his erratic heartbeat.
Lub dub, lub dub, lub dub.
The beat hammered in his chest, somehow widening the hollow, gaping hole in his chest.
Arms wrapped around him. It was hers. Cold washed over his body, deadening the nerves, yet worsening his pain, for the physical ache was now mingling with his emotional torment.
She bent forward and for a moment the green cleared from his eyes, enough to allow him to see her eyes. They were no longer bright emeralds, instead happened to be killing curse, which shone ever so slightly with falling tears.
"I love you."
Her flaming red hair framed her face delicately, set on fire by the setting sun. The dying embers gave a soft glow to her face and added a new spark to her tears.
But it all went unnoticed by Harry. He had fallen all too far in the vortex of green.
It was a lie. It had to be a lie. It couldn't be anything else, except a low-blow, filthy lie which she was trying to use to keep him tethered to the world of his hatred.
Anger coursed through his body, somehow burning hotter than the poison; it filled his mind and changed the green that was clouding him to a livid red. He wanted nothing more to get away.
Away from his emotions, away from any reminders that he should have also been cherished, away from this fake trap of hope and love, away from everything; to float away until he knew no more.
Drops splashed on his forehead, bringing some more twisting emotions. He closed his eyes; still the violent mixture between reds and greens remained flickering behind his eyelids.
She kept whispering false promises to him, like before, like always; but the abyss was too deep to be climbed out of.
The pledges of things too sweet to occur in this unfair world slowly fizzled out, replaced with constant stream of sobs and muffled words.
The red won in its battle with her emerald green, and painted all over, claiming its dominance. And he drifted off, inwardly laughing at the irony of life.
Turns out it was her green all this time that was keeping him alive.
Then, green eyes meet green,
For the last ever time it seems.
Then, he closes them forever;
Smoothly, without a single tremor.
You have lost him, you know.
And yet, you don't want to let go.
Only if you had come around before,
You could have spent some time more.
But, alas, hopes shall have to go in vain,
For the green eyes shan't meet green again.
Lily Potter never looked into the mirror after this. Every time she did, his killing curse eyes would stare back at her, mocking her for failing him.
No one ever commented on her emerald green eyes anymore. The ravages of pain following his loss had turned them harsh, echoing his killing curse eyes.
The link has broken
He has unfurled his wings
To take him far over
Beyond your reach, beyond anything
And now she understood how much it hurt.
There were two people in the world with eyes matching the killing curse in ferocity and colour. While in the world of the living, neither had peace-
One was haunted by the shadows of war and neglect; other would be by the shadows of the former.
May the green be ever in your favour...
Let it bleed in,
Let it bleed in...
For all hopes shall go in vain
And green eyes shan't meet green again.
FINITE INCANTATEM