Castiel was dead. Again. His body lay, dirty and strangely frail on the cold concrete, his wings' shadows etched forever, cray black, finally revealing his nature to the police men swarming around. Dean tried pushing his way to him, needing desperately to touch him, one last time.
He was praying at high speed, the words jumbling in his brain, clinging to his memories of all these times Cas had came back, but he couldn't be sure. And it hurt so much, Dean wanted to die too.
He vaguely felt Sam's hand on his arm, barely heard him whisper:
"Let it go, Dean, he's gone."
"No..."
"Get a grip, Dean, please!"
Sam's voice was broken too. Dean turned to him, fighting the tears so hard that his eyelids hurt. After a few second, he nodded and followed him out.
He punched the brick wall until his hand became numb and stop obeying him. Not knowing, relying on sheer hope was eating him up. Even his Baby didn't feel like a cocoon anymore. He switched on the engine and then dropped his head on the wheel so that Sam wouldn't see him cry. His chest was hurting. Maybe he was dying too, of a heart attack or sheer grief.
He had lost everyone. His friends, his family, Cas. Only Sam was left, guilty like him, an unwilling murderer. Removing the Mark didn't make that big of a difference, people still dies around them.
As he drove back to the bunker, he saw everything play in slow motion. Amara hurting him and Sam, Cas appearing just in time and then the demon charging, the Angel Blade inexplicably in hand. The Darkness had fled, undefeated. Castiel had died in vain. Dean almost crashed the Impala on the bunker's entrance, it was lucky Sam had such great reflexes and caught the wheel.
He prayed every day. Every morning. Directly to Cas because he couldn't make deals anymore. Sam and him had finally gotten the lesson. He woke up, sent his longing and waited. He hunted, came back and prayed harder. This time, he didn't even have Cas' coat but somehow his presence was all over the bunker, in every room he had rested, under every blanket. He didn't shave anymore, didn't dare look in the mirror. He couldn't afford shattered glass on his fist, there was no one to heal it anymore.
It was Judy who called him She sent a photo first, grainy and taken at night but Dean's heart got wild. Lying in a ditch, Cas wasn't conscious, not yet, but he was whole.
Dean didn't bother waking Sam. He later confessed to Judy to having broken every speed limit on the way. She didn't lecture him but led him to her office. Cas was awake now, looking grumpy and alive, and once he saw Dean, radiant. The hug was so intense they almost kissed. Dean didn't care. He still missed everyone else but at least, he got Cas.
Sam was relieved too, even if he smirked and said:
"Back from the dead? Really original Cas. We're not just the Team Free Will, but also the Team Get-out-of-Jail-Free-Card."
Cas laughed and went in search of a bed to rest on. Dean watched him go in a trance until Sam called him out:
"You're so into him, it's not even funny."
"You're... you're into..." no, not into Cas, no way. "...into demons" he finished lamely.
Sam raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.
It didn't matter. Cas was sleeping in Dean's bedroom so he lied beside him and watched him until he too fell asleep.
What could defeat the Darkness? It was the eternal question. Sam was burning his eyes on every single book in the Library, Castiel was taking awful risks listening to Angel Radio and Dean was feeling like a useless tool. So he made his own inquiries.
He was contacted one night, by an internet user with the handle "therealsphinx". This time he didn't sneak out but got Sam to come with him. Castiel had a lead on his own so they parted the next morning, with a promise from the angel to let them know if he was all right.
And okay, Dean should have thought a little more. Or Sam, he was the brain after all. Because who they found out was, apparently The Real Sphinx, complete with riddles and murderous tendencies.
"There are two sisters: one gives birth to the other and she, in turn, gives birth to the first. Who are the two sisters?" the enormous cat with a human head and the sharp claws was asking.
Sam was stumped. Dean was sweating. He thought he could take the monster, like fifty per cent sure. Which was better than the Darkness, especially at night...
Stop, that might be it. He had to try, anyway, the Sphinx was opening his wide mouth and the teeth were hella sharp.
"Night and Day!"
The Sphinx stopped and smiled, like the weird cat he was. Dean sneezed discreetly.
"Good, you've passed the test. I would have hated if I had to eat you."
"Really, why?"
"I fear her too."
"The Darkness?"
"Yes. I can tell you who can face her, though. there is a prophecy, you see. 'The Darkness, who absorbs all beings, will keel to the power of all life"
Dean sighed:
"Really? Talk about foggy"
But Sam didn't let go.
"So, who is it? God? The Archangels!"
"Well, technically yes, the first time they did, but the scriptures forgot to mention the oldest type of being, before the Archangels."
Sam was looking nerdy and passionate. It didn't matter he almost gotten eaten...
"Why wouldn't they be mentioned?"
The Sphinx looked at its hairy paws and sighed:
"Because they were ephemeral. Or at least that's what one would think."
Dean had had enough. He grabbed the cat, who turned back in his human disguise and used Dean's confusion to take a step back.
"Stop beating about the bush. Who're you talking about?"
"Phoenixes."
There was a Sam-shaped gasp on Dean's left. It was unbelievable, and for a moment Dean thought he was being led on.
"God struggled to create angels at first. The first ones were beautiful, made of pure fiery energy. They had a power equal to him and because of that they died. I don't know if it's the Darkness or the Creator himself who killed them but in the end, they combusted."
"Of course." Sam was nodding, eyes wide open, like a kid listening to a fairy tale. This Spinx dude liked to listen to his own voice. Dean forced himself to be calm as he pointed out:
"Isn't a Phoenix some kind of red parrot though? And they regenerate so..."
"Well Phoenix are portrayed with wings but that's because they are angels. It's quite strange that humans heard about them and described them in folks tale when even Heaven have forgotten about their existence. It seems at first that some reappeared on Earth a long time ago and then vanished again."
"Wait, I don't get it. I've killed angels. Way too many of them. None of them came back. I'm sure some of them would have loved to so they could break my neck."
"Oh, not all angels are Phoenixes. In fact, it concerns a very small number. It is my understanding that some of them came back in Heaven but with no memories, so they were mistaken for new Angels and treated as such."
Dean took out his phone and started texting Cas. He got a quick answer:
'Phoenixes are a myth, Dean. They don't exist.'
"Yeah, man, your story sucks. Castiel is an angel and he's pretty sure."
"Who is Castiel?"
"Our friend." Sam's voice was clear and confident. "An angel that God brought back many times as it happens."
The Sphinx frowned:
"God can't do that."
"I saw it every single time." Dean sent him a daring look.
It was the Sphinx' turn to smile:
"Or maybe you are acquainted with a Phoenix."
That silenced both Winchester brothers. Dean mulled it over, it was a nice idea.
"But you said a Phoenix loses all his memories. Cas remembered us after. He just didn't know why he was back." Sam said.
"Which is why I believe Castiel is not just any Phoenix. Of the very few, he may be the most important, the most powerful. If he gets stronger every time, he'll be back to his full force soon."
"It's possible Sammy. After all, he became a God, didn't he?"
They left the monster to his cup of tea in his little house and argued back to the car.
"Dean, just because we were told a tale doesn't mean it's true."
" Then why is he the only one? There's no after life for angels. Plus, knowing that he can't really die, it will helps if he gets killed again. You don't know how empty I felt, each time."
"I get it, Dean, I do. I just think that all this Phoenix business seems too... neat. The prophecy about killing Amara only spoke about "The power of all life" and now... we had him all along? Even if it's the answer, who says Cas is the one?"
Sam sat at the bunker table and looked directly at Castiel.
"Are you a Phoenix?"
"No, Sam. I told Dean before. Those don't exist." Dean sat next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. Cas' hand came up to hold his.
"Then how is it you always come back?"
"God works in mysterious ways."
"Bullshit!"
Dean hadn't meant to shout. Both Sam and Cas were looking at him with wide eyes.
"None of you can find God. And you're as strong as an archangel now. We just roll with it but you are really special."
In the evening, Sam went to watch TV in his room, while Dean and Castiel stayed on the couch, their hands still linked, Dean's head resting on the angel's chest.
"You're special too, Dean. Maybe the reason I come back is you."
It was the moment Dean gave in. They had been dancing around it but now, the affection in Cas' voice was too much.
The kiss was soft, slow, surprisingly satisfying. Dean felt full for the first time. Full of love, full of contentment.
Sam woke them up by banging on the bunker's wall. Their naked bodies were tangled in each other, the sweat from the night activities unbearable now. So, they took a shower together.
"Ok, guys, next time, get up earlier. I've got a call. Amara is at it again."
"Who called you?"
"Not of import, let's drive. Cas, you coming?"
Cas gave a start and stopped staring at Dean to answer:
"Tell me the address. I'll meet you there. I have angels to see first."
"Okay, but be quick, we'll need you there."
Sam's throat was closing down. Amara barely looked as she moved her hand. Dean was watching, paralyzed, fighting her invisible grip. He couldn't even talk. Had Cas died again? Why wasn't he coming?
There was a bright light. Amara fell on the floor, looking nonplussed. Dean relaxed, able to move again and spotting Sammy sitting back up. He frowned when he heard the voice. That wasn't Castiel.
"Take someone your size, princess. No one messes with Sam Winchester apart from me."
Gabriel was advancing. Cas was next, looking focused and terrible. Dean gulped. He shouldn't be aroused, but damn!
He barely saw what happened next. Amara looked like she was on fire. Gabriel fell many times. Castiel was still standing but his eyes were almost all white. Sam had joined Dean, not knowing how to help and so they waited.
There was a shout and, where Gabriel had been, a pile of dust. Sam wailed. Dean saw Cas hit the wall, hard. He shouted. He ran, catching him in his arms just in time to see his eyes close. The wind pattern started appearing.
"Nooooooooooo!"
Amara wasn't moving either. Sam walked to her cautiously.
"Dean!"
"Dean!"
"DEAN!"
He was lost in his suffering. Amara would wake up. She was going to kill them. And Cas wouldn't protect him. He was still shouting, pressing Jimmy's body against him, his tears wetting the dark spiked hair.
Finally he looked behind him and saw Sam battling with the Darkness. He let Cas go and ran to help his brother.
"Run Dean!"
"No way, Sammy!"
Amara was surrounded by a black smoke. She seemed to grow and change, her eyes black, her body hollowing to reveal a black void. This was the end. Dean asked the world for forgiveness and closed his eyes.
He felt his body fracture, ravaged by a fire that hurt his very core. He dissolved in the universe.
They woke up near a river. There were butterflies flying among bright flowers. Apart from the water sounds, there was silence. The sun ray were warm, caressing his cheek.
He helped Sam up and asked:
"You think it's Heaven?"
"Maybe. I thought they had closed it again, though. Plus I don't remember that place so it's not my memory."
"No, mine neither. What do we do?"
They walked. A bird passed them and perched in a tree, his song chirpy and joyous. All of it felt real, including the pebble in Dean's shoe that he had to shake away. Sam was silent. No desperate theories, no sense of urgency.
There was a country road. And a car. Dean ran to the Impala. There was someone inside. Two people in fact.
"Dean-o, come in. Sit in the front with Cas, I'll take the Samsquatch to myself."
"I... I..." Sam looked like he was choking. He managed to say: "I saw you burn into dust."
Gabriel waved a nonchalant hand. Dean kissed Cas and turned to listen.
"Details. I happen to have partnered with the absolute healer. So, looks like you were right Cas.
"Dean was right. He was so sure that I had to go find answers."
Sam sat next to Gabriel and looked at him in awe. Dean realised his baby brother had a crush.
"What do you mean, Cas?"
"Gabriel and I are not mere angels. I remember it, now. For a very short time, I was the only being in existence. I battled the Darkness and trapped her but she managed to make me burn and die. When our father started creating his army of angels, I came back in existence and I didn't know anymore. Now, I'm whole and as powerful as that first day so I banished the Darkness again and sent her at the edge of the universe."
"Same kind of story for me, although I came just after Cas." Gabriel said, with a grin. "I don't remember it as well, but I remember being back after battling Luci. I hid because I didn't realize who I was. Looks like I'm fully immortal. Sweet deal."
Dean didn't start the engine. He basked in the glow of the Phoenix' presence. Castiel, the oldest being ever. Dean was such a tiny piece of dust compared to him.
"No, you're not. You're everything."
The mind reading was still there, it seemed.
"I'm mortal Cas."
"Your body is but your soul is as immortal."
"Can my soul kiss you without a body ?"
"No. But I'm the power of all life. I can keep you strong and alive forever."
"Back on Earth?"
"We are on Earth. We're in Italy."
"Why Italy ?"
Gabe's voice came from behind, a little muffled.
"Cause it's romantic. Now, can we go? I'd like to woo Sammish without you two around."
Venice was gorgeous. Dean looked at the sea of roof among the actual sea and smiled, happy that all these people could go on. He hoped he wouldn't break the world again.
He closed the window and climbed back in the bed.
"We should visit the city, Cas. It's been three days in this room."
"We will, Dean. We have time. An eternity. Let me love you again."