"Stuck in The Words."
"..it was established in 1636, Eddy! Sixteen-thirty six! And, Eddy, you should see the library!" he squealed in a way so naive it would have been hard for anyone to believe he was 19. "Their library holds over 60 million items that require 300 miles of shelving! The selection is absolutely impeccable!" He caught an unnecessary glimpse of Eddy… hand under chin and eyes directed out through the driver's side window of their dirty old van... "Umm, It... It even has a selection of music, Eddy! Records, easily doubling the size of your collection several times over!" he grinned, hopefully cupping his hands in his lap, snuggly squeezing them between his thighs. Anything would have been enough at the time. Just a small chuckle... or even one Eddy's infamous raised eyebrows. Edd recognized this growing uneasiness in his stomach from all the absurdly similar experiences he'd had with his own parents.
Edd pulled his smile broader still, hurting his face and sucking in a cold deep breath through the gap in his front teeth. "I've met a girl, Eddy."
Anything for a response.
And he got it.
"So, one whole year at yer' fancy college and you're too good for me…"
"Eddy... I, I didn't mean anything by it..." He couldn't further relate his remark without feeling such heavy guilt for having said it in the first place. There really was no excuse for being cruel.
Eddy finally turned toward him (eyes half-lidded) and a lazy look on his face. Edd couldn't tell for certain what his expression meant. It felt abnormally pensive... at least for Eddy. Edd tried to smile again when he realized he'd stopped.
"I was only going to say that... she's, she's unlike anyone we'd ever met in the cul de sac, very studious, very intell-"
"She's got a nice RACK, huh..?" Eddy grumbled, with his eyes out the window again.
Edd found himself hopelessly flustered. "Eddy, it's not like that..."
"So when you movin' back to Peach Creek?"
"Oh..." Edd started. "Eddy, Like I've told you before… I've got three more years before I could even think of moving back to Peach Creek.. There's my job at the library to think about.. and all my extra-curricular affairs. Not to mention my studies in general. It's a very exhaustive curriculum; I'll have to stay on my toes if-"
"Peach Creek State's got all the same degrees..."
Edd grit his teeth. "But it's not the same Eddy. This campus is a highly accredited university... Great minds like-"
"So? Least you'd BE here. Ed talks about you every friggin' day." Edd smiled warmly to himself as Eddy continued. "So its kinda hard for ME not to THINK about you every day."
"You could call..." Edd suggested quietly.
"Callin' ain't the same. Remember all the summers we spent together? Doesn't any of that matter-"
"Eddy... It's not about that. Its not.. Its not anything personal..."
Eddy snorted with a quick laugh. "You pick THAT line up from your folks?"
Edd sat back in his seat, stunned. "E-Eddy..." he muttered, still quite winded from the blow.
"Wow, that new chick of yours must give some GREAT head.."
Edd's cheeks pumped with blood. He bit is lip as he searched his minds for the right combination of words. "Eddy, I'm tired of your insinuations! What happened between you and I was so long ago..!"
Eddy looked at him again, eyes targeting him with so much thought. And Edd suddenly felt like he'd spent too much time inside this van.
"What? Now you're tellin' me all that stuff before you left didn't mean anything!" Eddy asked, suddenly alert and lifting out of his seat with the energy fed by his rage.
Edd was wringing his hands furiously now, backing against the inside of the door... face still red and voice trapped deep in his throat by the sudden imaginary swelling of his tongue. "Eddy," he whispered... eyes scrutinizing Eddy's as he shrugged. He understood now very well why Eddy had insisted on meeting in the junkyard.
"You SAID you-" But Eddy cut himself off... "Rrrrr! You don't KISS somebody a ZILLION times and just say it doesn't MEAN anything!"
"It was hardly a -'zillion'-," Edd insisted, for a moment forgetting where he was and whom he was with. He stifled himself. Kissing was kissing. Whether you did it once or a hundred times. Touching had been touching... Falling asleep in each other's arms had been.. falling asleep in each other's arms. Edd had hardly ever thought he, himself - the morally self-sufficient 'Eddward' - would be such a person to deny such things. If anything, he'd always imagined a conversation like this to be the other way around.
"You said you loved me," Eddy barked, interrupting Edd's thoughts as he leaned on the worn, rotting leather interior under the window. Edd still busied his hands. This time twisting them into his shirt. It seemed he'd lost track of his smile again.
"Of course I love you.." he said, the words coming slow and carefully guarded. "We've known eachother a long time. Its not.. that kind of love, Eddy..."
"Love's love, ain't it?"
Edd's mouth was dry when he tried to speak. "I do... love you... Eddy. It's just a hard thing to cope with... Mother and father would never..."
"Heh." Eddy chuckled, seemingly satisfied that they were finally discussing his topic of choice. "My parents ain't too thrilled about that stuff either. I hate this small-town-bullshit-"
"-Eddy, don't curse." Edd interrupted, and turned to look out his own weather-beaten window.
"Rrrrrr!" Edd felt the seats vibrate when Eddy pounded a fist against the dash. "I'm ssss...sorry.. I forgot. Ed doesn't care when I do it..." he forced a laugh. "He thinks its funny."
"Well, I don't."
"Look, I just wanted to come out here so we could have some 'alone' time. Didn't want our parents to bug us... didn't want Ed to barge in. Not just so we could fight." Edd felt a warm hand on his thigh, the heat permeating the cloth of his pants. "Just you and me, you know?"
And he remembered the parts of this that helped him leave a year ago.
"I know," he said and moved his leg away from Eddy's hand.
"You do love me, right?" Eddy asked... and Edd looked back at him, knowing what was next. The subject never failed to come up. "And we're in... a... 'relationship'? Right?" He smiled that same smile Edd recognized from hundreds of scams. "Why don't uhhh... why don't we set this baby in stone, huh?"
"Eddy," Edd smiled a similarly phony smile. "We've had this conversation beforeI'm not ready..." He cocked his head and put his palm dismissively over Eddy's hand—the way a mother might gently prepare a child for bad news. "Can't we just enjoy each other's company? I'll try to.. lighten up, really I will."
"Come on," Eddy said.. voice soft and raised an octave higher to beg more proficiently. He cupped Edd's chin in his hand. "I know what'll really lighten you up," he grinned and leaned in for a kiss. But Edd turned away and their lips brushed only a second.
"What? Now I can't even KISS you?" Eddy snapped and shoved Edd away from him. To Edd's own surprise, he found himself overwhelmingly apologetic.
"I'm sorry, Eddy, I'm sorry..! I've just been away from you for so long, I'm not accustomed to such intimate circumstances-"
"What, not even with your girlfriend!"
"Eddy! I'm not SEEING her, we're only FRIENDS..!"
"Just like me and YOU are 'only friends'? How many other friends you got that I don't know about?" Eddy sneered.
"Eddy..."
"Come on, Double D..." Eddy said again, face lifting into a smile as he touched his fingers onto the back of Edd's neck. "You'll like it, I promise, okay? It won't even take that lo-"
"Eddy?" He pushed Eddy's hand away. "No, Eddy, I'm not-"
Eddy grit his teeth. "-But I LOVE you."
And Edd was suddenly drained of the intricate speech about pre-marital sex and venereal disease that he'd memorized in preparation for this current situation. His mouth was frozen. Even if he could think of all of those words, he would never be able to say them.
Not after hearing… that… again.
Edd lowered his head, shamefully staring on at the dash. Not even... his parents... had bothered to see him today. In all their wisdom, they'd never even told him in person that they loved him. And he quietly laughed at himself thinking, "It used to be enough..." ...to see that note on his door every morning. "It used to be enough."
"Come on..." Eddy touched Edd's face again-this time creeping his hand toward Edd's lips-parting them with his finger and softly poking it through the gap in Edd's teeth to rub the gums between them. Edd closed his eyes... whimpered and (with Eddy guiding him) leaned back against the seat. He didn't remember how Eddy had found out that he liked this so much. It had taken weeks of convincing to let Eddy do it regularly.
Once Edd was relaxed enough, Eddy licked the corner of his own mouth. Swept his tongue greedily over his lips as he continued to rub between the boy's teeth.
"I love you," Eddy said again, baiting him on. And Edd sighed. The words mellowed him-forced his guard down and made him long to hear it again and again. "I love you," Eddy said, seemingly reading Edd's mind.. and casually slipping into the back of the van. "Come on..."
Edd bit his lip, not wanting to go...
But he followed anyway.
The back of the van was more disgusting now than it was when they were children. The metal was corroded... and the rotten leather made the most awful smell. They'd long ago replaced the leaking waterbed with a spring mattress they'd found elsewhere in the junkyard. But it, too, was soiled by god-knows-what, from god-knows-where.
Eddy laid down to the side and patted a spot in the middle-their usual places. They'd come to this van only a handful of times without Ed. Usually, they used Eddy's room for this sort of thing-never Edd's.
"Just like old times, huh, Sockhead?" Eddy asked as Edd laid down beside him. "You remember, right?"
Of course Edd remembered. He remembered their first kiss, here in this van. Remembered the times they'd held each other... and exchanged such romantic language that Edd never knew Eddy possessed-even if it was often a little awkwardly phrased. A tiny grin crossed his lips, as he remembered the way they'd hugged... and even rubbed each other's backs. What a marvelous sensation-'touch'.
"I do," Edd told him, unsure if he'd still not said it aloud. For a moment, he felt Eddy's palm over his forehead. In seconds, it was gone... along with his hat. And his shaggy, black hair fell over his face. 'Oh, yes,' he remembered comfortably. 'I remember this too.'
"So, you ready to get this puppy rollin'?"
Edd turned to Eddy, trying not to look as uncertain as he felt. He nodded peacefully enough, grinning when Eddy's face touched his own... Without much hesitation, he accepted Eddy's tongue between his lips. A soft, unintentional moan ached through his throat-the closest he could come to speaking. Since any form of communication seemed absolutely lost on him right now.
Eddy's broad, thick fingers squeezed his jaw-forcing his mouth wider. Now it was becoming easier to -feel- what was happening... to feel -everything- instead of just remembering the good parts. And Eddy's kisses were sloppy at best making all of this so much more unpleasant. Wet waves of horrible, thick saliva that Edd found dripping down inside his own throat and even down his chin. He couldn't decide for the life of him, which feeling was worse.
Disgusting, he thought. Without any warning at all, his neck jerked and he gagged into Eddy's mouth as if he were about to vomit. Eddy snapped up, one hand still fixed to the zipper of Edd's pants.
"What the heck-what's wrong?"
"It's alright," Edd lied. "It's alright," he wheezed, taking a hard, sickening swallow.
Eddy cocked his head to the side and raised one curious eyebrow. But his body refused to wait for his mind to do its thinking... and he bent down, slower this time... and touched his lips to the soft pale skin on Edd's neck.
This was quite the more pleasurable feeling... and out of all the ways Eddy had ever touched him-this was one of the most satisfying. Edd cooed at the feel of it-the tiny nibbling motions of Eddy's teeth on his sensitive skin. And for a few moments, he could forget the details of what he was doing.. and what he was essentially being prepared for.
While Edd was overwhelmed with sensation, Eddy capitalized on the situation by pulling Edd's pants down in one swift tug.
"I'm not ready, I'm not ready..." Edd whimpered, eyes closed but mind still reeling-half submerged in the pleasure of Eddy's wonderful teething. He put a hand to Eddy's chest and pushed a little.. But Eddy caught him by the wrist and drove the resistant hand down, hard into the mattress.
"Shhh..." Eddy hushed into his ear. Edd hadn't noticed Eddy wetting a finger in his mouth...
"Eddy.. Ulhh!" His voice hitched when he felt Eddy's finger in him. He tossed his head back in what Eddy must have mistaken for absolute ecstasy... Eddy filled him up to the knuckle... and started a gentle rhythm of pulling his finger in and out.
Edd grit his teeth and held back the terrible sob he knew would explode out of his chest if he tried to move. He searched his mind... was it pain? It was at least very, very uncomfortable. But he felt Eddy press his body closer and he was easily reminded that it was something so much more than physical pain that was dragging him out of stability.
"We can't," he hissed and struggled beneath Eddy's weight-gently tossing and turning-too deep in this strange... drunken... dizziness... to put up a realistic fight. In fact, Eddy could barely take it seriously.
"You're bein' such a -chick- about this, Double D..." he chuckled, pulling his own zipper down and unbuttoning his pants. "Just lay there and look pretty."
Edd tossed his head back over the pillow, still blinking away his tears and holding his breath. Holding absolutely still as Eddy primed him more efficiently by adding another couple of fingers...
"Okay," Eddy spoke after a few minutes of stroking his hand back and forth—fingers in and out. "I think its show-time," he smiled, not having bothered to remove either of their shirts or even fully lower his own pants.
Edd lifted his head, hair spilt over the dirty mattress. He looked on at Eddy with dilated, wet eyes that went totally unseen in the ancient light of the van.
This old van, and its familiarity twisted by the decay of experience. Instead of losing his virginity to the bride he'd always imagined biding with on his wedding night... he'd lose it now, to the lustful whim of one of his closest friends and a few shallow, but absolutely vital, words.
Here.
In this broken, rusted out van.
"I love you," Eddy reminded him...
Edd's face was stiff. He couldn't respond at first. Only looked blankly at Eddy's face, searching for some hint of a lie-some kind of falsehood that could justifiably keep him from admitting Eddy any further access to him. But for all the things he could ever find, none of them were ever enough. Not the way Eddy so often shoved him away in front of their peers; not the way Eddy could say these words only when their physical affections were endangered; not the way that Eddy never called or wrote to him when he was away at school.
And at such a reflections, Edd wondered briefly, "Are those few words really so disarming?" As to render him utterly blind, deaf and dumb?
Still, he stared into Eddy's face, not blinking, and feeling the heat in his face seep away to make room for this nauseous cold. Edd spread his legs in silent invitation. He even smiled, however weakly, with tears still rolling down his face. "I love you too," he said.
Eddy wet his palm with his tongue. Edd could only assume he was... dealing with his own lubrication. More of Eddy's weight came to rest on him... and it became much harder to breathe.
"Oh LORD!" he screamed, bucking up and squeezing the fatty flesh of Eddy's back hard in his fingers. The pain was so unbearable he could simply not stay still... and drove his head hard into the crook of Eddy's neck. His legs were liquid and everything had suddenly gone numb in places that really needn't be numb.
Eddy held Edd's shuddering body tight-arms wrapped strongly around the boy to keep him still. "Shh..." he hushed again. "Settle down..." and he locked his legs around Edd's-closing him into a human cage. When Edd tried to speak, Eddy mistook it for an escape attempt and squeezed even tighter. "Shhh..." he repeated. "Shhh..."
When the threat of his movement had passed, Edd felt Eddy's lips over his own again... sealing his hollow moans between the two of them-Eddy somehow thinking that kissing would prove a more than adequate distraction from all the pain.
Edd questioned how Eddy knew all of this so naturally when he, himself-the scholar, the boy who marvelously knew everything-could barely comprehend the situation on any level. Deep down, he'd always known Eddy to be carnal and driven, even in childhood, by some animal instinct.
He thought he knew they were both virgins...
His mind wandered for only a moment... and he wondered whether Eddy might have been 'practicing' with anyone in his absence.
Suddenly, he felt his whole body sink deeper into the mattress. Eddy rose above him and the numbness of his mind kept him from knowing exactly what was going on. But his body felt it. He felt when Eddy pulled almost completely free of him.. and pushed himself in again... once, twice.. innumerably until he was raw inside.
He didn't even know how, but Edd found himself laying on his side. Still unable to keep himself at rest, he dug his fingers into the pillow-slid his legs out on the sheets, trying to feel ANY thing else but what Eddy was doing to him-all the while letting out all sorts of noises that stopped just short of screaming.
Inevitably, exhaustion conceded to silence. Save for the steady squeaking of the old mattress springs…
…
…The quiet itself eventually gave way to a few rough grunts and some exceptionally demanding pushes. When it was over, Eddy sat back, exhausted, letting his flaccid penis unceremoniously slip out with a soft 'popping' noise...
Edd after having long ago covered his eyes with his hands, found his whole body shivering again. He let out a short burst of breath-before howling a sob into the moist, thick air surrounding the two of them. Eddy wiped the sweat off his own forehead and, having come down from the cloud of romantic whispers and gentle touches, bluntly snorted, "What?"
Edd looked up at him, squinting through his tears, barely able to make a sound recognizable as a word. So he didn't try. Instead he raised his weakened arms toward Eddy… fingers shaking as he let even the air somehow bruise them.
Eddy looked at him a little smugly-altogether sensitive from the most convulsive orgasm he'd ever had and not quite ready for any of Double D's "cuddling." But after a few moments of watching and waiting for Edd to put his hands down (which he never did) Eddy sighed deeply and bent over toward his exhausted lover.
"It... Hurt..." Edd said with inaccessibility to vocabulary that he simply wasn't used to. Just whispering the little words in Eddy's ear when Eddy hugged him firmly.
"Don't worry," Eddy cooed with one hand stroking Double D's hair. "You'll get use to it." he finished, letting go and rolling over on his side-still too soon for Edd's taste.
'Use to it..?' Double D quickly stretched his neck, desperately trying to get his face away from Eddy or himself so he didn't have the added chore of cleaning them both of his regurgitated lunch. The deep frown he made in response seemed impossible for Eddy not to notice. And yet, Eddy went on all the same.
"When you move back here, maybe we can get a place together... you know... and we can be together like this all the time," he smiled...
Edd smiled back as he saw it somehow appropriate, tears still streaming down his face. The words were on his tongue-that he was afraid of this... that he didn't want this... And as Eddy continued to speak, Edd only found himself being swallowed up by the words. Every sentence was a string of promises for the future that would ultimately come to pass.
And he felt his life crumbling around him again. Just like the last time he'd found himself in Peach Creek.
"You want that, right, Double D?"
Edd snapped to attention-chin still wet and sunken into his chest. Looked at Eddy again through the watery ripples in his eyes. And he forced his sobs quiet just long enough to whisper a single, simple word of his own.
"Yes."