Chapter 1

5 days later...
I wake from a dream of fire and ash, trembling, my skin feels like it is on fire. I look down and see Grace softly asleep in the blankets next to me. Grace is here, she is safe, That thought brings my heart rate down a bit and I smile at the little girl who looks so happy in her dreamful state.
It is warm out, even in the darkness, it is more like the hot summer nights I remember of my childhood, sticky and muggy. my breathing is steady. I look around to the mass of people sleeping out in the open tonight. I search the crowd of faces but know that my heart only wants one face; honey colored eyes, a hopelessly arrogant crooked smile and hair the color of autumn leaves dancing in the wind.
Alex, my Alex.
My eyes stop on the front of where his tent is.
My heart skips a beat
I look at grace lying next me, and to my mother on the other side of her, in the oversized sleeping bag she got for us. I know I shouldn't want to, but I long to see him, to feel him, to know that he is mine again.
After the walls came down, everything was so chaotic, Alex and I have hardly had anytime to talk. We've stolen glances and a few kisses, but my main priority has been Grace and making sure she is ok, making sure she knows she is safe.
Alex too has been helping as many people as he can, and we're both exhausted. A smaller group of resisters that helped us take down the wall had decided to break off and head north towards the Canadian border. just a few days ago, there's been an uprising there as well and they're in need of as much help as they can get. Julian volunteered. I knew he would. After everything. I can still see the look on his face, the last look he ever gave me..

"Don't do this lena" his piercing blue eyes that always reminded me of the ocean, are now dark and pleading with me.
" Julian, you have to understand, I'm not trying to hurt you" I say.
"Then don't" he snaps back. He is breaking. I am breaking him. Big crocodile tears start to form in his eyes. This is awful.
I sigh " the truth is" I say, still searching for the right words. " .. The truth is that its not your fault. I gave my heart away a long time ago, and I never really got it back, not fully, Alex always had my heart, even when I thought he was dead.. It's always been him. I love him. I'm sorry" I say with as much finality as I can gather.
" then this is it, this is your choice?" He asks. There is resignation in His voice. And though I know I've just hurt him, perhaps irreparably, though I doubt it, he's not going to fight me on it. I nod yes.
Julian slowly turns and starts to walk away from me, then abruptly stops. With his back to me he says
" I won't stay here.. It wouldn't be good for either of us." I can only stare silently at the ground. I know he's right.
He takes a deep breath then adds, " I understand. Ok. It hurts but I understand"
now I'm the one on the verge of tears.
The worst part about not loving somebody the same way they love you is that no matter what, you will always end up hurting them. I cared a lot for Julian, I even loved him in a way. But it was a different kind of love, I never loved him the same way he loved me, it's why I could never say it to him. I was always still in love with Alex. The silence and the minutes seem to slowly tick by, I'm shaking, and I just want to be anywhere else than here, right now, in this moment.
Finally he says
" goodbye lena.. I .."
He shakes his head and doesn't finish the thought, and honestly I'm grateful, I don't think I could have taken anymore. he walks off into the nights sky and i know in my gut, that its the last time i will ever see him. The next morning I woke up next to Gracie and they were gone. Julian, coral left too, can't say I'm surprised either. And Pippa, and a few dozen more.

... I look up at the sky and take a deep breath, silently cursing myself for thinking of such a horrible memory now, when all I really want is Alex. I know he must be fast asleep, it has to be well after midnight, but my heart hitches in my throat as i look over at his tent, and this time my skin feels like its on fire but not from the bad dream, Or the memory i just had, From something more, a yearning, a desire I thought had died, when I thought he had died. a white hot flame that starts in my chest and seems to be radiating outward,on to my fingertips. My breathing surprisingly is steady, though I feel like my heart is about to leap out of my chest, I find my resolve.
I need to see him. I have to see him.
Slowly and with very little movement I slip myself out from under the covers of the sleeping bag, for a second Grace stirs and I freeze, she relaxes back in to her slumber and I begin to breath again. I know it's probably a bad idea, but Grace won't be alone, she has my mother next to her, if she happens to wake up. I tell myself this to justify what I'm about to do.
Once out of the sleeping bag I tip toe in between a bunch of sleeping people, making sure not to accidentally trip over anyone or wake any one up.
The closer I get to his tent, the more nervous I am becoming. What do I say? A little pass the edge of all the sleeping bodies of our group a little hidden by the edge of the woods, concealed by the darkness, I reach the front of his tent.

I can't breath. What am i doing? I count 5 seconds. I reach down and open the front of his tent, and quickly let myself inside. Just as I turn around I see him there, his eyes thick with sleep, he smiles at me.
"C'mere" he says softly, still half asleep.
I do, I practically sprint to him, closing the distance in seconds. In the darkness I find his lips and kiss him feverishly, I can feel the smile growing on his lips, he laughs softly
"Bad dream?" He asks. I nod
He pulls me under the covers with him, I shiver a little but not because I'm cold, I'm the exact opposite of cold, every part of my body feels like a live wire, an ember waiting to pop. I look up at him and fall hopelessly into his eyes, he brushes a piece of hair away from my face
"Alex" i say.
I softly place my fingers on his face, slowly tracing the scar on the left side from the corner of his eye to the side of his jaw, it's faded a bit, but its there, it will always be there, a constant reminder of his time spent in the crypts. Something hitches in my chest and All I can think is, 'those monsters' tears begin to fill up my eyes and I know he senses what I'm thinking. He slowly cups my face in both of his hands, his eyes are burning embers deep into the hidden parts of me.
" don't" he says softly.
" don't cry, I'm ok, I'm here with you and I'm ok"
I stare at him a few more seconds then lean in to kiss him, i kiss his scar, then i find his lips, soft at first barely meeting them, then the fire is back starting in my heart, racing out wards and I can't get close enough to him, fast enough. He catches up quickly kissing me back with the same intensity.
I can't remember deciding to run my hands under his shirt,but I do, tracing every single bend and curve of his chest, a soft moan escapes him and I know that this heaven. I slowly reach up taking his shirt in my hands, up and over his head breaking the kiss only slightly, he throws it to the floor. His warm bare skin feels so good underneath my fingertips, like everywhere I touch is tiny bolts of electricity coming off his skin into mine, suddenly I know exactly what I want,and why I am here. Slowly I roll onto my back, taking him with me, he follows. The weight of his body on mine feels amazing and somehow calms me, my hands stop shaking a little. He slowly starts kissing the side of my neck and down to my my collar bones, he kisses each collar bone separately, soft and sweet
" this is my favorite place on you" he says, just like velvet.
I smile, looking at him, and something hitches in my throat.
"Alex" I say again.
but the problem is I don't know how to say it, I'm trembling, but not from fear, from the white hot desire that is burning a hole inside of me. I've never said these words to another human much less thought them, my whole life I've been told to fear affection or any form of intimacy, and just like it always does my brain begins to shut down, just when I need it the most.
" it's like the outline of tiny wings, like you were born to go fast" he says, still referring to my collar bones.
" Alex " I say again, but there is a knot in my throat
He continues " my favorite place... well this and your stomach.." It only takes one motion,one moment, one split second and all my nervous energy fades away, he moves his hand over to the soft part of my stomach, just below my belly button and caresses it, my mind freezes and I can't breathe, but I've never wanted somebody more in my entire life.
"Alex" I say intensely
He looks up at me waiting. But there is something in his eyes that tell me that he wants me too, does he understand what I'm trying to say. Does he get it?
" I.. I want you" I say, immediately looking away, embarrassed, I feel the heat rising to my face. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. That doesn't explain anything.
He returns a smile, then touches my cheek with his hand
" you have me" he says quietly.
This is it. I just have to get him to understand what I'm really saying.
I slowly kiss him, letting it build, I let my tongue lightly linger in his mouth and then I take my hand and slowly run it down the length of his back, all the way down his back, then around his hip to where his belt buckle is and I pause there. Letting my finger tips graze the soft skin underneath his belt, He freezes for a minute, and finally I know, he knows
I break the kiss.
" no " I say breathlessly with a smile.
" I want you.. I want All of you... In every way..tonight"
He pauses, letting it all sink in. He kisses me with that same crooked smile.. The one I fell for, what seems like years ago, when he pulls away there is softness in his words and love in his eyes
"Are you sure? We don't have to if your not ready" he says and then kisses the tip of my nose
I know he is trying to be sweet and make sure I'm ok, that I'm ready, but I am sure. I know what I want. And who I want. I want him, I've always wanted him. Even when we were apart I wanted him, longed for him, missed him. wished that Julian was him. I banish that thought immediately, this is not the time to bring that up
I look at him and he is studying my reaction.
" I AM sure" i say with resolve.
" I'm more than sure, I love you Alex.. And I want to be with you in THAT way, in every way possible that I can be. This is the life i choose, the life I want with you" I just can't bring myself to say 'make love' the words sound too cheesy and well just not something I would ever say. Or even just having sex, the way aunt carol used to explain the mechanics of it, making it seem scary and something that would probably cause me great pain, because its more than that. It's and pure.

Suddenly a thought comes over me, i hadn't even considered and I blurt out
"it's just that.. Um, I don't really know what I'm doing. I've .. I've never done this before...you know.. " letting my words trail off and it's true. I suddenly feel very inadequate and shy, and looking down realize that although I'm inexperienced in every way, maybe Alex isn't. What if I mess up, or do something wrong, what if I'm bad at this, I shudder a little at the thought that this could all go horribly wrong. The anxiety is back and I can feel the heat rising to my face. As if sensing exactly what I'm thinking he puts his finger lightly under my chin and forces me to look up and meet his gaze, his eyes are warm honey, soft and caring.
"Lena, it's ok. Your not the only one.." these words for some reason shock me, I stare into his eyes and see he is just as nervous, vulnerable.
" you mean you've never... Um, you know..." I ask
He looks down quickly , embarrassed, shaking his head, "no" he says. I don't know why I'm so surprised. Maybe I assumed just because he does come from the wilds, or maybe cause he's older, or maybe i had thought when he was hating me and with coral. Ouch. The thought causes a pain in my heart. I don't want to think about him like that, not with her.
I can't help it when I say " not even when you were with.." -Coral i think, but I can't bring myself to say her name. I look down, I'm ashamed that I even asked it, ashamed that I even want to know.
Alex once again takes my face in his hand forcing me to look at him, with absolute clarity and all the tenderness in his eyes he says " No.. Never.. It was never like that. Never like this, it was a distraction.. you have to believe me, do you believe me?"
I could curl up and live my entire life in the warmth of his eyes, and I know in that second that I do believe him. This is Alex. My Alex. The boy who sacrificed himself not once, but twice for me, so i could live and be happy. a boy who told me the truth about being an invalid when he didn't even know me, risking his safety, all because he didn't want to lie to me, even then.
" I believe you" I say
I think about how against all the odds, with everything that was taken from us, we somehow found our way back to each other. Not only that, but we somehow were both saved for each other. My heart swells and I don't care about my inexperience, or my insecurities. I love Alex, and he loves me.
With his mouth tickling my ear he leans in and whispers " ever since the first time I saw you running by the governor, the first time I held your hand and danced with you at roaring brooke farms, it's always been you."
Always been me.
the thought sends butterflies in my stomach, He adds a little shakily " the first time I kissed you in the shed.." He pauses and I nod,remembering that night, the first night my life truly began, " I loved you even then... So you see Magdalena, no one has ever had my heart but you" I smile, and feel the tears pricking back my eyes.
" I love you... I want you" I say confidently, and he places my head on the ground gently, he stares at me and lightly whispers ' beautiful ' then kisses me and takes me into our own little oblivion.

Lying there in his arms afterward, the sounds of the forests all around us, the moonlight peeking in from the spaces in the tent, dancing across our bodies, I idly wonder how I lived without this for so long?
It was a little less graceful than I thought it would be, as we both tried to 'figure it out' together. It hurt a little at first, but Alex was so gentle and careful with me, then I found the pleasure in it, found my rhythm with him. from the sounds that escaped him, I know he enjoyed it too, which only made me happier.
We lay there in silence for a while just listening to each other breathe, he absentmindedly strokes my back , then my hair, my arms. I do feel tired, but I also feel weirdly awake, like I don't want to close my eyes, because I'm afraid this may all have been a dream.
"What are you thinking about?" He asks
"You" I reply
"What about me?" He is smiling now, that same cocky little grin.
" just how I don't want to go to sleep, I'm afraid this will all have been a dream, I want to stay in this moment forever" I say but there's a yawn in my voice. Im Fading fast. He laughs a little, but seems totally content to stay in this forever with me, dream or no dream
" Alex" I say.
"Yes?" He is tired too, I can hear it in his voice.
"Will you tell me that poem again? The one you know by heart, From our first night in the wilds" I say sleepily. I loved that night, it was the best night of my life.. Well up until now.
"Which one? I read you a few I know by heart" he says with a smile.
" the one about carrying my heart" I reply. " I love that one"
" I carry your heart by E. E. Cummings.." I nod. He starts
" i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)..." As he continues the poem I drift in and out of consciousness, my sleep state coming faster and faster. His voice like melting honey is carrying me, and just as he finishes the last line of the poem
" I carry your heart ( I carry it in my heart)"
he leans in so close to my ear and if I was not already more than half gone I would respond, he whispers
" I'm going to marry you"