Dedication: This is for Kat, thanks for the encouraging words, babe! Also for Akane Hatoyama for being patient with me. (I promise I'll send the next bit, I do! I will! Eventually...(sheepish grin) )
A/N: Oh my dear sweet gods...what have I created...I ran this monstrosity by optimouse, she thinks it's hilarious. I only hope that you lot feel the same way. Oh my gods...Ah well. I just had to try a Sorting Hat song for myself. It was too much. Oh, dearie dearie me...
Warning: Coarse language and many, many references to sex.
Now, I know that you pervy kiddies are out there, I was one of you. I know you're not going to pay attention to this warning and you're going to read it anyway. Just be mature about this, 'kay kids?
You older people...hell...just go easy on me. (I don't mean that in a Ravenclaw way, you naughty minds...)
(First Years are TERRIFIED. Sorting Hat SULKS on Stool. Dumbledore's Eyes TWINKLE.)
-
Since ages past I've sat on heads
Of little brats like you
This once a year that people care
'Bout what I say and do.
-
So pay attention, tiny twerps
Cos I decide your fates.
Your path in life depends on me
So listen, you ingrates!
-
I sing to you of people old
About whom you don't care
(Besides that smartass Gryffindor,
That one with massive hair.)
-
(Sorting Hat POINTS BRIM at Hermione Granger. Granger has HISSY FIT and starts RECITING Hogwarts: A History.)
-
This school once had four masters
(No, not like that you perv)
Who buggered off and left me
To do their jobs. The nerve!
-
The bastards up and took off
I shan't elaborate
On their lack of personality
And non-existent 'trait.'
-
Despite what you've been told, young brats,
Each House of the founding gang
Had nawt to do with traits and such
But who and how you bang.
-
Gryffindor, the prettiest,
Was far too prone to mope
But all that House loves shower scenes
So strip and get your soap!
-
They go through folks quite fast, the sluts
At such a freakin' rate
They'll have everyone above their year
But cannot get a date.
-
Slytherin the sexiest,
More hot than all the rest
Was into all those purebloods. (Heh.)
That House sure loves incest.
-
Don't worry if you're Muggle-born
These folks can adjust
But be prepared for anything;
They're constantly in lust.
-
Hufflepuff, the busty twit,
Adored a bit of play
Her House has fun just everywhere
But won't 'go all the way'.
-
They're not so good for one-night stands
They think you should be true
Just pretend that you'll be back
You'll just love what they'll do.
- Ravenclaw, that kinky gal I'm sure you've heard the tales That House will do you anytime Just bring the ropes and nails. - They're clever for excuses For markings everywhere. It's true they like the library Remember: Quiet, there! - So step up, ickle firsties Put on this mouldy rag Step up, have your future set And find out where you'll shag!
Oh, dear me...all reviews are welcome and encouraged. Bonus points may be awarded. Cyber cookies are possibly involved. Go on. Make my evening.
Oh, dear me...all reviews are welcome and encouraged. Bonus points may be awarded. Cyber cookies are possibly involved. Go on. Make my evening.