She was constantly torn between the need to forget and the yearning to remember every detail. She didn't want to remember, always experiencing the permanent pain that she was unsure she could stand anymore. She wanted to free herself from the agony, the anguish and the dreadful feeling of loss. She wanted to feel completed again.
And yet...She was absolutely terrified of forgetting him. To lose every second, every smile, every kiss? No, she couldn't bear the thought. Unfortunately, she was beginning to understand that she didn't have much of a choice where her memory was concerned.
It had been four years since he was taken away from her...From them.
One thousand four hundred and sixty long days since she had heard his voice. Four lengthy, painful years since she felt his comforting presence and the feeling of safety that accompanied it. Four years too long. Time was obviously not her friend. As much as the stubborn half of her fought against it, she knew she was fighting a losing battle. It seemed that with every passing day, something of him vanished from her mind. Even his unique scent had long since abandoned their home and the clothing of his that still hung in their closet.
But, if there was one thing about him she knew she could never forget...It would be his smile.
She saw it every single day on their children's faces.
"Mommy, come look at my drawing! I worked really hard on it! Isn't it cool?!"
She glanced down at her youngest daughter's illustration, grinning at the six year old's depiction of Naomi and Alex's outfits on Lyoko.
"That's beautiful, Kaylee. You got your sister's hair just right! And look at the detail on your brother's sword. Simply amazing!" Yumi complimented, running her fingers through her daughter's hair affectionately.
"Can I go play with the real Naomi and Alex outside now, pretty please?!" Kaylee asked, begging her mother pleadingly with her bright brown eyes. They were just like her father's.
"Okay, but-"
She cheered and jumped from her seat, bolting towards the back door before Yumi could finish her sentence. Her crayons and other drawings fell to the floor in her wake, instantly forgotten.
"Hey! Excuse me, missy! Go put on something warm first before you freeze to death!"
Kaylee pouted before turning around and reluctantly headed up to her room. Yumi sighed and took a sip from her tea, turning her attention back to the kitchen window. It was snowing outside, much to her distaste. Although she held a certain hatred for the white blanket that covered everything outside, their kids seemed to love it. They most certainly got that from Ulrich. But, it never failed to remind her of the happier times they had together. She took in a weary breath as her eyes slid shut, trying to recall the last time it had snowed like this.
"Ulrich, we should probably be heading inside soon...I'm gonna catch a cold if we're out here much longer."
"Come on, we both grew up in France, Yumi." He said, resisting the urge to roll his eyes. "We can handle a bit of snow. Now, stop whining and live a little...Enjoying the small things in life has always been your specialty."
"But we're not even in proper coats, Ulrich, and it's freezing-"
"It's fine." He assured, cutting her off as she snuggled closer to him on the bench. "I've got you to keep me warm, right?"
Her face flushed a light shade of red at his words. He chuckled and kissed her on the cheek. No matter how many times they'd flirted with each other throughout the course of their relationship, their words never failed to make each other blush. They loved that about their romance.
"You should be more careful though." She murmured, resting her head on his shoulder. "I might not always be here to keep you warm."
A sense of irony washed over her as she remembered her own words. She didn't know whether to laugh or to cry.
"Yumi, don't say things like that." Ulrich's voice shook slightly.
"I'm just saying I-"
"No." He ended her statement sharply. "I don't want to hear you talking like that."
"Ulrich..."
"You vowed you'd always be around, Yumi. You promised-"
"That I'd be here at your side for the rest of eternity." She continued softly, reciting more of her wedding vows. "Yeah, I remember."
"It's just...After everything we've seen in our lives, Yumi...I-I couldn't handle losing you. Not after Lyoko, our marriage and definitely not after our beautiful children."
She fought to keep the tears from streaming down her face. She hated crying and she hated the cold. She hated appearing so vulnerable, however...Sometimes it was unavoidable. Ulrich was both her strength and her weakness. They were a team. He'd become so ingrained in her life that, much like what he'd once said to her, she couldn't imagine life without him in it.
It was simply impossible.
She tightened her grip around him and lightly planted a kiss on his lips.
"Okay, okay...I take back what I said. It was stupid. I'm here to keep you warm whenever and wherever you need me, alright? I always keep my promises, Ulrich...Even if it's for an eternity." She smiled reassuringly. "You know that."
She shivered as the hazy memory came to a close. She could no longer remember the feel of his arms around her, what he had been wearing that faithful day or even what he smelt like. But...His words would forever be at the back of her mind. His beautiful voice and her ironic, painful words.
The sound of hurried footsteps dragged her out of her remembrance and she turned to see her daughter once again darting towards the back door.
Her breath hitched in her throat.
Hearing her mother's gasp, Kaylee paused, turning to look up at her. "Mommy? What's wrong? Do I need to change again?"
She couldn't stop staring at it. Even after years of neglect, gathering dust in the back of the hallway closet, it was the most vivid shade of green she'd ever laid eyes on. She had long since forgotten about it. After Ulrich's death, she hadn't been able to look at it. She had never allowed her sons to wear it because it would remind her too much of their father. Seeing the green jacket anywhere but on his thin frame felt weird...Wrong.
But something about seeing the oversized jacket draped on their daughter's small body felt...Right. Like it was always meant to be there.
"Why'd you pick that jacket, sweetheart?" She whispered quietly. "We have other jackets to wear, ones that actually fit you..."
"I don't know. I really like this one. It smells good and makes me feel all warm." She said, shrugging. "Can I go play now, Mommy?"
Yumi nodded, swallowing hard. Maybe her fear of forgetting him was irrational. She had been terrified of losing her treasured memories...The last part of him she had left. She'd never stopped to think that maybe he'd never left in the first place. Not really. Not gone.
Yumi turned to watch their children laugh and play in the snow. Every once in a while, she couldn't help but love the cold the way her husband loved it.
"It looks like you're still here to keep us warm after all, Ulrich." She whispered, a sad smile spreading across her lips. "You can keep promises too...Even if it's for an eternity."