A Christmas Carol Parody

By Nithin Vinod

Christmas spirit was in the air. All the people were in holiday cheer and wished each other a Merry Christmas. But Mr. Ebenezer Scrooge did not. In fact, he hated Christmas and happiness and nobody knew why. Perhaps he doesn't take enough anti-depressant pills. Or perhaps he's just psycho. But everyone thinks that his Christmas spirit is two sizes too small. He walked through the streets saying, "Bah Humbug!" He told the beggars that they smell and should find a job. He grudgingly gave Bob Cratchit the day off on Christmas and told him to go jump into a lake. He turned down his nephew's invitation to his Christmas party and said that he did not like to eat fish curry. (No offense meant to fish curry. I myself love fish curry).

Scrooge went home and ate some oatmeal for dinner. Then he counted all the money in his piggy bank, muttering, "My own! My precioussss!" Then he counted them again and again and again. Suddenly, he heard the wind howl violently and the room was filled with a scary atmosphere. He heard something like chains being dragged across the floor of the nearby room and then heard a knock on his door.

"Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Boo!"

"Boo who?"

"Don't cry. It's me, Jacob Marley, your dead business partner!"

Marley's ghost, clad in heavy key chains walked through the wall into the room.

Scrooge screamed in a high pitched voice, "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK! A GHOST!" He started to dial the number for the Ghostbusters.

"For goodness's sake, chill, will ya? I'm Jacob Marley, the Friendly Ghost."

"OH NO! You dragged those chains across the floor and now you've ruined the carpet! Do you have any idea how much that cost?"

"But you're cheap. And anyway, you got that carpet only when Empire had their biggest sale." Marley then continued in a scary voice. "Ebenezer Scrooooooge!"

Scrooge trembled in fear, "What?"

"Ebenezer Scrooooooge!"

"W-what? What do you want? Shoo. Go away."

"I'm here to give you my message." Then Marley said in a normal voice. "Although it would be great if I got those five bucks that you owe me."

"Um...what five bucks?"

"Remember the bet we made in high school that whoever gets the higher grade in the

Economics class, gets five bucks from the other person?"

"Uh...well...why do you have those chains? And why are you a ghost?"

"Because these are the chains that I made in life. Link by link."

"Of course! Your hobby was making key chains."

"No. Not those chains. These are... I don't really know how to explain this. Why don't you just read A Christmas Carol and find out? Just go to the library. Don't worry. You can get a library card for free. Anyway, when I was alive, I was a miser like you. That's why I wear these key chains. I'm here to tell you that unless you stop being a miser and start celebrating Christmas and start eating fish curry, you'll also end up like this. A permanent resident of planet Earth. You will be visited by three spirits. Well, that's the message. Adios!"

Marley opened the window and stepped outside. He started floating, but then dropped to the ground with a thud. He muttered, "Ouch! I should have gotten medical insurance!"

Scrooge went to bed. Later, he woke up and saw...

"Hey! Aren't you the Easter Bunny?"

"Sorry. I thought it was April. My calendar got messed up." The bunny walked away and Scrooge suddenly saw a spirit.

"Scrooooge! I am the Ghost of Christmas Past. I'm going to show you your past life events."

Suddenly they were outside during a sunny day and they saw people putting turkey, mashed potatoes, and cranberry sauce on a huge table.

"Oops! Wrong scene! Sorry. I used to be the Ghost of Thanksgiving Past."

Suddenly they were at the mall.

"Look at that line of kids. Do you recognize the one in the front of the line?"

Scrooge gasped, "T-that's me! I'm young!"

Mini-Scrooge got on Santa's lap. "Santa, I've been a good boy this year. Well, I know I shouldn't have gotten into that fight at school, but that other kid stole my penny! Don't forget to put him on the baddie list. This year, I would like to have..."

He took out a list that was long enough to cover a football field.

The ghost said to Scrooge, "All you could think about was what you wanted. It was always you, you, you!"

"Are you sure that nobody can see us?" Scrooge asked.

"Of course I'm sure!"

A person who was walking nearby tripped and the ton of heavy gifts he was carrying fell on Scrooge's head.

The ghost continued, "Well, the rules of being a ghost are somewhat complicated."

Scrooge found himself back at home, rubbing his head. He saw a bright light coming from the next room. Entering the room, he saw...

"You look like the Jolly Green Giant wearing a green Santa suit."

The ghost replied, "I accidentally knocked down a guy who was up a ladder, painting the roof and got myself covered with green paint. I am the Ghost of Christmas Present."

"You brought a Christmas present?"

"No. Not that present. I meant the other definition of present. Let's eat first and watch some TV before I take you on the tour."

Scrooge looked around the room and saw tons of food and a big-screen TV. He waited as the giant ate and watched SPOOKS, which was the ghostly version of the show COPS.

Scrooge said. "Could you hurry up? I have to go back to sleep and I don't have any caffeine to keep me awake in the morning."

"Wait just a minute. This turkey is delicious. And I love this Subway sandwich. And I absolutely love these Absolutely Positively Yummy Desserts."

After the ghost stopped eating, he and Scrooge went to Bob Cratchit's house. They saw him dining with his family, including a one foot tall boy named Teeny Tiny Tim.

Teeny Tiny Tim said in a teeny tiny voice, "Please sir, can I have some more?"

Everyone looked at him weirdly. Teeny Tiny Tim looked at the script and muttered in a normal voice, "Wrong story."

Then Teeny Tiny Tim said in a teeny tiny voice, "Pass the mashed potatoes."

Nobody heard him.

Teeny Tiny Tim repeated in his teeny tiny voice, "Pass the mashed potatoes."

Still nobody heard him.

"PASS THE (censored) MASHED POTATOES BEFORE I CHOKE FROM SCREAMING!"

The whole family jumped and passed him the mashed potatoes. And they told him to keep this story G-rated.

Scrooge said, "I didn't know Cratchit had a teeny tiny child with a teeny tiny voice. And why does everyone look so poor? I pay Cratchit more than enough."

"The way you pay him, it's just 'Another day, another dollar'. You should raise his salary. I used to be part of a labor union."

The ghost disappeared and a figure dressed all in black appeared.

Scrooge asked, "Are you the Ghost of Christmas Future?"

The figure breathed heavily and said, "No, Scrooge. I am your father!"

"NOOOOOOO!"

"Just kidding! I am the Ghost of Christmas Future."

They entered a cemetery. A few people were burying a coffin. Scrooge overheard their conversation.

"Good thing he finally died."

"Nobody cares that he's dead."

"Everyone will only remember him as 'what's-his-name?'"

The people left. Scrooge turned to the ghost. "Spirit, who were they talking about?"

The ghost pointed to a tombstone all the way at the other side of the cemetery. "Why don't you read what it says and find out?"

Scrooge walked over and read the inscription on the tombstone: Sanjay Kumar. Lived from 1988 to 2100. Was a successful writer of silly stories like this one. Also the Head of the Absolutely Positively Yummy Desserts Company.

The ghost said, "Oops. Sorry. That's the wrong tombstone. Read the one with the coffin that was just buried."

Scrooge read the inscription on the other tombstone and his face paled. "N-no! It can't be!"

The inscription said: Ebenezer Grinch Scrooge. Born in an unknown year and dead today. Cold-hearted and a miserly old guy who's probably never heard of happiness. Doesn't like fish curry.

"No! This can't be true! This is all a dream! I didn't know my middle initial stood for Grinch! I thought it stood for Grouch! Like Oscar the Grouch!"

Scrooge woke up. He phoned the Guinness Book of World Records and sent the world's largest pizza to Bob Cratchit's family. Then he went to his nephew's Christmas party and ate lots of fish curry. As Teeny Tiny Tim would tell us (if he had a loudspeaker): With great power comes great responsibility.

Teeny Tiny Tim yelled. "HEY! WHO WROTE THIS STORY? THAT'S NOT MY LINE! I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY GOD BLESS US EVERYONE! FIRE THE WRITER! WHERE'S MY AGENT?"