Alec and Jace
Alec couldn't think. His heart was pounding in his ears. His thoughts were a blur as he struggled to regain calm. It was a f**king hurricane inside of him, but outwards he looked impassive. Or so he hoped.
Lydia stood one arm away from him, but there seemed to be an invisible veil in between that made her seem so distant. They were at the altar. Their families and friends were gathered in front of them, for their wedding.
Now was not the time to make a nervous breakdown. Breath. He told himself. I have to hold it in for 5 more minutes, and then... And then, what? Okay, that trail of thoughts did not work out. Shit. Okay, don't think. Don't analyse. Don't feel. Come on Alec. Look at your shoes. They look familiar. They don't look threatening. No... It's okay. He can ride through this.
Suddenly there was a hush, and the quiet chattering around them stopped. The silent brother must have arrived Alec deduced. Lest his nerves get to him, Alec resumed his line of thoughts again. Where was he? Yes. Shoes. They are shiny. Too shiny. What else? Shoe laces. Nice knot. Jace tied it. Jace. Oh Jace. Why? Why? Why did he have to think of Jace now? He was going to lose it, again. Shit.
Alec closed his eyes to collect himself. But now, all he could think about was Jace. He sensed him standing a little behind him. His best man. Oh why was this so difficult? If only time stopped for a minute and he could get his thoughts collected (whitewash everything with shadow hunter propaganda) without people noticing.
Alec missed his bow and arrow. He missed the surety and how grounded he felt when he released an arrow and knew it was going to hit its mark.
He prayed to the angel. He did not even realise it until he caught himself praying for forgiveness. But forgiveness for what? Forgiveness that he wasn't strong enough. Forgiveness that he felt like a hypocrite. For not living up to his own beliefs and ideals. Forgiveness that he cannot help but love Jace. For standing on altar for his marriage, yet all he could think about was Jace.
I have to do this. Please give me the strength to do this. He prayed.
And then perhaps the angel heard his prayer. A door opened somewhere in the back. It followed by fast approaching footsteps. They stopped somewhere on the aisle behind Alec. Izzy gasped and Jace shifted on his feet. Alec did not have to turn around, he knew who those steps belonged to. Magnus Bane.
His brain made a sarcastic note: How ironic the angel sent him Magnus Bane, a warlock… A child of Lilith. He felt a slight relief and unclenched his fists, unaware he was clenching them so tightly. If not anything else, Magnus had bought him a few more minutes. He felt stronger.
Magnus's presence felt like a pair of hands holding him steady, while he precariously dangled over the edge of a cliff. Magnus knew him. Magnus saw him for who he was. He knew Alec's big secret. And had accepted him without judgement. He did not rouse a storm inside Alec like the others did. Magnus did not hurt.
He turned around, not sure how he should react, and looked up.
Magnus was standing halfway to the altar. His hands raised in front of him like a cat about to pounce. His fingertips were crackling with sparks of blue magic. And hair stood up in perfect spikes. Magnus looked tall and dark and handsome and glittery and all things wonderful.
The hurricane inside him was growing smaller, and Alec wondered if it was magic. Magnus smirked at him. And Alec almost smiled back, but his shadowhunter-ness only allowed him to scrawl...
Jace who was quiet all this time, suddenly shifted closer to Alec. "You going to be alright buddy?"
Alec couldn't help but sigh at his pathetic jolt of joy. Jace was worried for him.
But, right now... Alec had to take the steps down and reach Magnus. Magnus could take the driver's seat for a little while. Magnus was safe and in control, and not the emotional wreck that he was right now. Yah that felt safe. Magnus was safe… And comforting… And… He liked Alec… All good then? Yes, Magnus was what he needed. With Magnus he could be himself and… Himself? Without Jace?
Stop it Alec, you can't fool yourself… TWICE… Said a quiet voice in his head…
No, he didn't have time for this. Reasons. Logic. That's what he needed. He could deal with feelings later. He checked himself mentally… Focus. Magnus was good. Magnus was no conflict... Magnus was…. Waiting… Magnus was… Magnus was what? Magnus wasn't …. Jace.
Magnus was relief, but Jace was home. But home wasn't always the cocoon you need it to be. Alec couldn't hope despite himself that it was Jace, his Jace, his Parabatia, his best friend and his soul mate that was standing in front of him, where Magnus stood. And he cursed himself and closed his eyes.
Magnus snapped his fingers suddenly and the hall grew even quitter than a moment before. Alec looked up surprised. Everyone seemed to have frozen around them.
Magnus hadn't moved an inch but there was now a questioning look in his eyes now. They looked at each other for a long time. Alec tried to say something reassuring to Magnus. That he was getting there. To just give him a moment. He can fight this. But his feet weren't co-operating.
Suddenly he heard Magnus in his head. "Alexander, its okay... You cannot help who you love".
Alec felt a chill spread through him. He stared at Magnus.
He knew? But how? Did he say something without meaning to? He was puzzled and what? Ashamed? And guilty? Could Magnus have seen right through him?
Alec knew why Magnus was here. He had guessed how Magnus possibly felt towards him. He also knew Magnus was risking so much by breaking into the institute for him.
Alec wanted to make it right. He had to do his duty. Duty? Duty to what? He was fooling himself. This war between his heart and his brain was making him loose his sense of duty. Magnus wasn't duty, he was Alec's choice. Right? He wanted to reciprocate these feelings. He had to. Magnus was the right one for him. Right?
But… But for the life of him, he just could not replace Jace with Magnus.
Alec felt the world swimming in front of his eyes. This war inside of him had turned his brief moment of peace into an inferno. Again... Focus Alec. He had to choose Magnus. That was the answer. He needed to work backwards from there. This was the right thing to do from here. Magnus was risking his own reputation for him. And perhaps more.
Alec took another determined step towards him.
Magnus spoke quietly "Alexander, stop… Stop fighting it… Don't do this to yourself…"
Magnus words were meant to comfort Alec, but he felt out of control. His thoughts were wrong. This was not how he wanted to feel.
"Alec…" Magnus sighed. "You are doing nothing wrong…"
Nothing wrong? Alec looked incredulous. How Magnus answer what he was thinking? Besides... He was about to break up a wedding with someone who had done nothing but help him. In front of his mother. In front of both their families. Not to mention the members of the clave. And there was no going back. Magnus had gone out on a limb to save him from himself. And he was grateful. Yet… He was out of control… He was being weak. Weak. Why couldn't he walk away from Jace to Magnus? He owed it to Magnus. Everything was wrong.
But… Said a small voice in his head. It would be wrong to Magnus. Because you will never get over Jace. And you know it.
Jace, with his devil may care attitude and caustic sarcasm that Alec knew was only a facade. Jace vulnerable and broken down that only Alec was allowed to see. Jace with his jagged scars and re-joined fractures, each a story that only Alec knew. Jace with his pure and loyal heart that Alec felt every moment through his bond. Jace with his snobbish remarks and that wicked grin that Alec loved… And those golden eyes... Their warmth that Alec basked in… Their depth that Alec drowned in... Their pain that Alec felt with them... Their love that Alec longed for... Those moments when Jace let his guard down, and Alec felt his joy and his sorrow through their bond… And those long silences when nothing needed to be said because they understood each other perfectly...
Who was Alec fooling? Jace was his very soul. And he couldn't get over him. Ever.
Magnus cleared his throat. Alec's trance broke.
"I can hear your thoughts you know?"
Alec looked shocked... What? What? What? Shit.
He finally found his voice… "What?"
Magnus sighed. Alec took a step towards him when he was unable to find the right words.
Magnus smiled slowly… And was that a hint of sadness Alec detected?
"Its how this spell works you know… I am sorry I do not mean to pry."
Alec could only stare as realisation crashed over him. He opened and closed his mouth when no words came out of his mouth. He did not know what he could possibly say to Magnus now.
He managed another step towards Magnus before trying again… In a stronger voice (he hoped) "No Magnus, you don't understand…" He shifted on his feet. "Magnus. I want to… This is… Magnus, this is my choi..."
Magnus held up a hand. And Alec stopped. Yes, that was sadness in his eyes, Alec knew that only too well. Before Alec could form his next words, Magnus came forward and stood in front of him...
Alec did not hear Magnus move his lips, but heard him clearly in his mind.
"Alexander, it is okay. You love Jace, and you have always loved him."
Magnus was saying all the words that Alec had never dared to say out loud. He flinched as if the words physically hit him. Magnus sighed and put a hand on his cheek. He knows thought Alec. He closed his eyes. He knew he was defeated, there was no more running and hiding.
"Magnus... I" But Magnus stopped him with a finger to his lips. Alec forced himself to look up again.
Magnus smiled that sad smile again and spoke in his mind "Shh... Alexander… I can read your thoughts remember?"
Alec pleaded with his eyes... Hoping Magnus could hear them "Magnus if you just give me some more time… I will get there... I know I will".
Magnus sighed and looked at Alec "Alec… Don't fight it. It's okay…"
He placed his hands on Alec's shoulders. "You are afraid Jace will never love you… The way you do…" Alec didn't flinch this time.
"That's why you want to come with me…" Alec felt shame engulf him.
Magnus squeezed his shoulders "its okay Alexander… I understand"
Alec felt eyes stinging dangerously… "No Magnus. That's not…"
Magnus gripped his arms suddenly. "Alexander. Stop this non sense. You love him. You tell him. You accept his answer. And you deal with it."
Alec nodded a little startled and perhaps a little rebellious.
Magnus sighed. Clearly the hard way doesn't work with these stubborn Lightwoods. So let's try the soft way again.
"Alec… You must have more faith in your heart… You might be surprised"
Alec was too fazed to make sense of Magnus now. What? What was that supposed to mean? Were warlocks always this confusing? Perhaps he was too eager to jump to conclusions and Magnus was just telling him to get moving.
Lost in his thoughts he missed Magnus's sarcastic eye roll.
He looked at Magnus and contemplated if what he was going to ask next was even appropriate?
Magnus smiled "Yes I know I am an excellent advisor and your friend. You can come to me anytime you need to talk"
Alec couldn't help suppress the smile at this. "Why couldn't I have loved you?"
Magus chuckled "Because you are a fool. And because Magnus Bane is wayyyy out of your league"
The mood lightened and Alec joined his chuckling "You must weigh a tonne with all that ego?"
Magnus feigned to be offended and the two hugged each other. Alec felt exhausted like a steam roller had crushed him, but he was no longer conflicted. He knew that things must turned out this way for the best. And despite everything, it felt right to not drag Magnus into his turmoil. Magnus deserved someone who loved him with all their heart. And Alec just wasn't the one. Maybe Jace did not feel what Alec did, but they were always going to be Parabatia. They would always share that bond. And that was enough. For now.
Alec missed Magnus's eye roll for the second time, consumed in his thoughts.
"Now Alexander, I must wipe a few memories and get going"
Alec started "What?"
But Magnus had already started retracing his steps to the door while shooting darts of blue magic along the rows. "I have a reputation to match my ego you know… Magnus Bane is far too occupied to crash weddings…"
Alec laughed… Then realising Magnus was wiping memories stopped abruptly.
"Don't worry... I am not going to touch yours… Otherwise you will go straight back to that bumbling idiot that you were 5 minutes ago"
Alec rolled his eyes. Magnus turned at the door "I saw that"
Alec shrugged. "That's everybody… And oh …"Magnus sent a flash blue directly behind Alec, and then he was gone. Alec turned to see Jace looking a little dazed and mumbling "What the…"
Behind him the hall was coming to life again and Alec met the confused eyes of Lydia and Izzy. He carefully avoided Jace's now. Alec waited a few minutes for everyone to settle down again. He knew what he had to do. He cleared his throat to get everyone's attention (still avoiding Jace's eyes). Alec note that but he was feeling the unusual sense of calm one feels before a major battle.
He turned to face Lydia, and felt waves of guilt crashing over him. But this was less cruel than what he was trying to do a little while ago. With this conviction, he took put his hands on her shoulder as a comrade would on a battle field and said very softly "I am sorry Lydia. I cannot do this. We both deserve better".
Lydia looks down and sighed, then squeezed Alec's arms gave him a quick hug and whispered in his ear "I know. We do." She smiled a tiny smile at Alec before turning to walk away from the altar.
Now, Alec turned to meet Jace's eyes squarely. Making sure he had his full attention, he turned to the crowd and said in his quiet confident voice. "I am sorry, but this wedding is not taking place".
Alec heard the audible collection of gasps. But he wasn't concerned about that now.
He needed to speak to Jace. Alone. And he hoped Jace would follow him.
He turned to take the small door on the side of the hall and intentionally brushed past Jace as he quietly whispered "Come with me".
He felt relief when he heard Jace's hurried footsteps behind him after a moment and a door shutting to drown the voices from the hall. He took many flights of stairs and did not stop climbing until he reached the roof of the institute.
Jace was still following him. Good. Alec wasn't sure how to handle the conversation from this point. But he was determined to get it over with before he lost his courage again.
He leaned against the wall, and looked up as Jace took the final steps to the landing and came to stand in front of him. His face was unreadable. Alec braced himself and took a deep breath.
But then… Jace said something Alec would have never expected in his wildest dreams.
'Do you still love me?'
Alec stood frozen. Not even daring to breath. Surely he misheard something.
What? Jace looked at him, his eyebrows furrowed together. His eyes blazing with a fiery intensity and at the same time… So vulnerable?
He slowly held up his hands as if to reach for Alec but then stopped midway. Almost as if he was afraid of Alec... Afraid of Alec? Alec tried to understand the meaning of what Jace had just said and this behaviour. This was his Parabatia. Alec knew him like the back of his hand, and yet he couldn't read Jace at this moment.
The only time Alec had ever seen Jace so… Uncomfortable… No, exposed… Was when he had first arrived at their house. Standing on the doorway when Alec opened the door. 15 years ago.
Alec wanted to reach out and comfort Jace. And protect him from whatever was causing him this pain and anguish, He wanted to take him in his arms and give him his strength. Heal him with his love and cure Jace so that he was strong again.
He held Jace's stare and tried to think... To feel... To understand what was going on… What had Jace said just now "did he love him?" What did he mean? He couldn't mean that. No. They were Parabatia in Jace's head. And surely he knew Alec would love him no matter what... Even if Jace could never understand the kind of love Alec felt for him.
"Jace, I don't understand"... Jace continued to stare at him, his eyes giving away signs of an inner turmoil that was going on. And Alec knew about inner turmoil only too well.
He thought of saying something to reassure him… "Jace, we are Parabatia... I will always love you..."
Jace shook his head… "No" And started back…
Alec made to reach out for him but Jace looked like he would run if Alec moved again.
He knew Jace too well. So Alec, leaned back against the wall again despite his heart telling him otherwise. Chasing Jace would only push him away. Step back, and let him come to you. Give him space.
"Okay… What's going on? You are acting weird" Jace broke into a smile "Really? You get to ask me that question?"
Alec smiled. Good… Jace was relaxing. Alec shrugged and looked at his shoes… But what did Jace mean by what he just said? And how on Earth was he supposed to start that other conversation he needed to? The really important one? He missed his arrow and bow.
He looked up as Jace took a tentative step towards Alec. His face had changed. He still looked afraid of whatever he was about to say, but his eyes showed determination now. Alec tried to prepare himself. He knew whatever Jace was going to say was going to crush him, but he was going to listen to him anyway.
Jace's eyes were boring into him "Magnus"
Alec started… Jace remembers Magnus? Didn't Magnus wipe everyone's memories? He looked at Jace confused and afraid of what was going to happen next. "Um… He spoke to me when I was at the altar"
Alec tried to make sense of that... "He said to stop fooling myself"
Alec did not have time to make sense of all he was hearing because Jace now seemed determined to say what was on him mind now...
Jace took another step closer and continued... "He told me that you… That you love me."
Alec felt his blood freeze.
"And... And, Alec. I cannot pretend anymore. I love you too." Alec felt numb.
Jace closed his eyes. "I love you. I love you. I love you."
Alec dared not breathe lest the spell be broken. Jace opened his eyes but now they were shining with unshed tears. Alec wanted to reach out to Jace but was paralysed and his body dared not move…
Jace took another step closer… They were almost touching now, and Alec could see the streaks of brown in Jace's eyes. His voice quivered threateningly, but Jace went on "Alec… To love might be to be destroyed, but I want to be destroyed if it's for you. I cannot deny how I feel about you anymore"
Alec shuddered.
Jace went on, "The moment I saw you at the altar, I have been screaming inside of me… That you not marry Lydia. And then I heard Magnus in my head… I know how he feels about you… But he said... That you love me"
Jace's hands reached out for Alec's. "And I dared to believe him. Alec… I love you… I have always loved you. I fought it. For so long. But at the altar… Alec, I cannot stand to see you with anyone else. I…"
Jace gripped Alec's arms tightly, "I don't want to be your Parabatia anymore. I don't just want to be JUST your Parabatia anymore. I want more. I want everything. I want you…."
Jace stopped and looked at Alec with hopeful and tired eyes, imploring him with them to respond. But Alec stood still. In shock. His mind was working slowly. His heart thumping loudly. He drowned and drowned in Jace's eyes. He lost all sense of time. His stomach churned and churned. The world went blank around him except for the golden eyes. And then Jace's knees gave way suddenly. He stumbled to the floor, his eyes wide with shock. Alec caught him instinctively and held him against his chest. Jace started shaking and then sobbing softly. "Alec, please say something".
Alec held on to Jace unable to believe what just transpired between them. He slid down to the floor with Jace in his arms. His heart had already understood what Jace was saying, but his mind was still catching up. Jace loved him? Him? Alec? It just didn't make sense. How can Jace love him? What was he missing? Maybe his feelings were making him delusional. Maybe this was all a dream. A dream of desperation. But Jace felt so real… In his arms… His weight as he slumped on Alec could not be his imagination. His sobs against Alec's shoulder weren't his imagination. Jace loved him. Not like a Parabatia. But more. Jace… His Jace loved him...
After a long time sitting on the floor, with Jace in his arms, Alec felt Jace move. Jace had finally stopped sobbing, and stayed against Alec's shoulder…
"Alec…" Jace's voice was muffled against Alec's suit.
Alec was absently patting Jace's shoulder "Yah…"
Jace shifted to look up at Alec "Please say something…"
Alec looked down at Jace. Mind processing hard… This was not a dream. This was happening. For real. He felt himself drowning in the pure molten gold eyes again… Until Jace started to sit up and pull away from Alec.
"It's okay Alec. I am making a fool of myself. I understand you d…"
Finally something in Alec synchronised his head to his heart. Perhaps it was the pain of unrequited love in Jace's voice that Alec knew so well… Alec made Jace sit up so they were looking at each other. He cupped Jace's face in his hands, and touched their foreheads together. "Ask me again"
Jace looked confused, but then understood. They were Parabatia after all. "Do you still love me?"
Alec scoffed softly. ''Si... Always''.
He kissed away Jace's tears, and ran his fingers along his cheek bones. He languidly placed an arm on Jace's shoulders and with the other he lifted Jace's chin. And closed the gap between them. And as their lips met, the heavens opened up.
Rain poured in buckets around them, but neither of them cared. Jace welcomed Alec's kiss, and wrapped his arms around him. He wanted to be closer and closer to Alec. He struggled to get closer. He cuddled up and got onto Alec's lap, then drew Alec's arms around him and pulled his knees up to him, so that he was inside a cocoon of Alec.
He kissed him with everything he had. And Alec kissed him back.
But it still wasn't enough. He wanted to feel more. To give more. To make Alec understand how he felt and what he would do for him.
Suddenly both felt their Parabatia runes heated up. And Alec could see Jace on the back of his closed eyelids. He saw every glance and touch Jace stole over the years that Alec had overlooked as brotherly affection. He heard every thought that Jace had of Alec that he never dared to believe.
Jace felt the purity and depth of Alec's love for him. He drowned in them and revelled in them. He felt what Alec had felt all these years. The love, the pain, the happiness, the hurt, the resignation, the hope. He felt Alec in all his Aleciness.
Their hearts beats together, and finally it felt like they were close enough.
They stayed together for a long time. The rain had stopped, so it must have been hours… The clouds broke out for the moonlight to shine on them casting their strange elegant shadows on the floor… And they finally parted.
Alec held Jace tightly, and rested his head on his shoulder to sigh softly. "I love you Jace. You idiot. I love you. You hear me? I have always and only ever loved you."
Jace sighed softly and pulled Alec into a tight hug "And I love you my Alec. I have always loved you. I was a coward and denied it and look where that got us".
Alec couldn't help but scoff. "That's why I called you an idiot".
They let their wrapped arms stay around each other and rested their heads together, both chuckling and comforted in the warmth of each other… Content to hear each other's heartbeats.
This was home. And there was nothing in the whole entire world that they couldn't face together. They had each other now. Alec had his Jace, and Jace had his Alec.